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Over the past several months, the rights and acceptance of transgender and gender-nonconforming people have increasingly been the subject of both legal challenges and heated public debate. The Onion sifts through the many essays published by lesser news organizations to find the smartest and most worthwhile reflections on the battle over trans rights.
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Former President Donald Trump pleaded not guilty after he was arrested and booked at a federal courthouse in Florida for allegedly refusing to return classified documents to federal authorities after he left the White House. What do you think?
“I’m going to ignore the facts before I jump to any conclusions.”
Faye McNeely, Cat Wrangler
“I can’t believe the government doesn’t have better things to do than prosecute a former president for mishandling and hiding classified documents.”
Ivan Nichols, Unemployed
“I don’t see why we have to make stealing state secrets so political.”
Ramon Salogar, Pit Remover
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Some, like Iran (#1) and Venezuela (#4) are no surprise, but seeing Estonia as #2 was pretty shocking. Authorities are unable to determine why Mongolia appears three times on the list (#17, #82, and #104), or why the U.S. government seems to think Myrtle Beach (#31) is its own country.
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PALM BEACH, FL—Gritting his teeth as he spoke, former President Donald Trump reportedly said “You better not talk” Friday in a stern warning to one of the classified documents at the center of his recent federal indictment. “I mean it—if you utter so much as one word to the authorities, that’s it for you,” said Trump, menacingly shaking his finger in front of a defense-related document at the center of a Justice Department investigation into classified records missing from the National Archives. “Remember who takes care of you. That’s all I’m going to say. Who took you home and looked after you for all these years, huh? That’s right, and I have shit on you, too, by the way: all those late nights sitting in a box among underage girls. So you came here of your own accord, got it? If you turn on me, I swear to God, I will shred you so fast. I know plenty of people with scissors.” At press time, sources reported Trump proved he was serious by tearing off a corner of the document.
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Despite portraying himself as a paragon of free speech, Twitter owner Elon Musk has repeatedly given into the requests of powerful autocratic regimes to silence their citizens. The Onion asked Twitter users how they felt about Musk’s censorship, and this is what they said.
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Ron DeSantis launched his 2024 presidential campaign in an online Twitter Spaces event with Elon Musk that was marred by 25 minutes of technical glitches where the audio stream crashed repeatedly, making it impossible for most users to hear the new presidential candidate in real time. What do you think?
“I’m tired of the media trying to silence this man.”
Zoey Burns, Freelance Plagiarist
“Twenty-five minutes of no talking was the best launch the DeSantis campaign could hope for.”
Drew Fanning, Unemployed
“It’s good to have the superficial appearance of a Trump alternative.”
Dom Edelstein, Webinar Planner
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Elon Musk has chosen NBCUniversal’s head of advertising Linda Yaccarino to become the new chief executive officer of Twitter, stepping into the role at a controversial and economically perilous time for the company. What do you think?
“I wish her luck on her first performance review with Catturd2.”
Kathy Weida, Mug Tester
“I don’t trust a woman who uses a woke, gender-neutral title like CEO.”
Robert Marcotte, Toxic Waste Removal
“She already has plenty of experience working at a dying platform like NBC.”
Sameer Gupta, Balloon Inflator
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GOFFSTOWN, NH—With critics calling the former president’s highly anticipated town hall a “disgrace” for all involved,” Donald Trump was widely condemned Thursday for giving a platform to CNN. “It was dangerous, irresponsible, and downright disgusting for President Trump to provide CNN with a large national audience like that,” said media critic Greg Polinsky, who added that Trump was effectively rewarding the news network for the bad behavior it had exhibited going back to its coverage of his 2016 presidential campaign. “Like everyone in America, CNN has a right to free speech, but that doesn’t mean Trump should help it promote yet another sensationalized ratings grab. It isn’t right for a former president of the United States to legitimize their journalistic malpractice like that.” Polinsky went on to object to Trump’s agreement to participate in an unfiltered live-broadcast format, which doesn’t give CNN’s shoddy reporting an opportunity to be put into context.
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“I hate the way you talk to me, And the way you cut your hair. / I hate the way you drive my car, I hate it when you stare. / I hate your big dumb combat boots, and the way you read my mind. / I hate you so much it makes me sick, It even makes me rhyme. / I hate the way you’re always right, I hate it when you lie. / I hate it when you make me laugh, Even worse when you make me cry. / I hate it when you’re not around, And the fact that you didn’t call. / But mostly I hate the way I don’t hate you, Not even close, Not even a little bit, Not even at all.”
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If you had not already been made aware of the news—and I admire and respect everyone whose life choices means they are not—Twitter owner and exploding vehicle connoisseur Elon Musk spent the weekend further ruining his $44 billion purchase by messing around with the remains of the platform’s “verification” system.
For much of Twitter’s existence, certain users could be “verified” by confirming their identity with the site. This was an essential tool for celebrities, athletes, businesses and the media, people who may or may not have been famous, but who were all at risk of having their accounts impersonated in the name of disinformation and scams.
And for almost as long, certain weirdos had a thing about this, seeing a system designed solely to prove a user were who they said they were—a necessity on a social media platform—as a symptom of, I dunno, some kind of leftist media woke conspiracy.
This is a big reason Musk finally got around to removing this old verification system last week, replacing it with a “verified” system that required users pay $8 to receive a “verified” badge, even though absolutely nothing about their identity was being “verified” at all.
Anyway, things got especially absurd when over the weekend it emerged that almost none of the formerly verified accounts were going to pay the $8. Not even millionaire celebrities. In fact many even publicly mocked Musk and the decision. In return, Musk himself ordered that certain high profile users be given a verified badge anyway, at Twitter’s expense, leading to incredible scenes like Lebron James turning down the offer and video game deals man Wario64—who has over 1 million followers, making him one of the site’s more popular users— having a “blue checkmark” forcibly hoisted on his account, then later removed again.
Amidst all the chaos, one notable (and wild) set of responses to events in the video game space came from Tim Sweeney, the CEO of Epic Games. I’m pasting his entire Twitter thread in full here, mostly so you can see the number of times he is so wrong he has to be officially corrected:
(Note: the #BlockTheBlue hashtag came from people figuring out very quickly that the kind of person who would pay Musk $8 a month for Twitter is also the kind of person you would want to block on sight)
This man complaining about high school cliques and supposed “elites” is 52 years old and is worth almost $5 billion.
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Luke Plunkett
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NAMPA, ID—Expressing their dismay with yet another product overtaken by the liberal conspiracy to destroy traditional lifestyles, conservatives around the country reportedly began boycotting computers Friday after noticing their keyboards could be used to type the word “trans.” “These woke keyboards are attempting to force conservative fingers to type ‘trans,’ and I call on my fellow American patriots to destroy their computers immediately,” said local conservative man Bryce Whitten, adding that this was just another attempt by the global woke conspiracy to compel Americans to use the establishment alphabet. “I hate to think of the damage these anti-American computers have already done. I’ve used computers for years, but yesterday I found myself typing out the word ‘trans,’ and it hit me—this is an obvious effort by Marxist left-wing corporations like Apple and Microsoft, probably funded by George Soros, to make us type things we don’t want to type. They even have the T and R keys right next to each other to subliminally encourage innocent people to type ‘trans.’ I tried removing the T, R, A, N, and S keys, but then I realized I could still type ‘woke,’ and that was it for me. Who knows how deep into the alphabet this conspiracy goes. For Christ’s sake, they’re trying to market these computers to children! I urge my fellow conservatives to remove all computing devices with keyboards from their children’s hands so they can’t be groomed!” At press time, sources confirmed conservatives across the nation were trying to escape the woke conspiracy of left-wing letters by renouncing the English language entirely.
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PALM BEACH, FL—Addressing his most ardent supporters mere hours after his arrest on 34 counts of falsifying business records, former President Donald Trump spent his prime-time speech Tuesday raving about Mar-a-Lago’s sea bass special. “It’s incredible, folks, so succulent—they don’t serve sea bass like this up in Manhattan, I’ll tell you that,” said the 45th president, speaking to the gathered throngs of his largely silent supporters, who slowly lowered their “Free Trump” and “Hang Bragg” placards as he entered his fifth minute praising the $49.99 fish special. “This chef does wonderful, wonderful things with sea bass. I don’t know how he does it. I really don’t. There’s a bit of a kick, and it’s not too fishy. A baked potato and Caesar salad on the side. Really, my mouth is watering just thinking about it. Fresh caught, too. I swear, it’s the finest piece of fish you’ll ever have. And I’ll tell you a little secret: That’s actually why I flew back so early tonight. Not to see any of you. Okay, good night. Bye-bye.” At press time, Trump had ended the speech early and left a confused crowd of supporters standing in the dark outside the resort’s gate.
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NEW YORK—Explaining that the matter could at long last be put to rest, the nation’s major news outlets announced Thursday that this week’s indictment of the former president would finally close the chapter on media coverage of Donald Trump. “Now that he’s been indicted, Mr. Trump can’t possibly have any future in American public life, so we’ve decided to wrap things up,” said CNN CEO Chris Licht, noting that Trump would soon be arraigned in a Manhattan court on more than 30 charges of fraud, a development that seemed to represent the final nail in the coffin for entire news cycles centered around a man who has been out of office more than two years. “We followed the thread as long as we could, from the free publicity we provided him with during his first run for president to the shock we feigned when he attempted to overthrow an election. But after eight years of nonstop coverage, we feel it would be irresponsible of us as journalists to continue our exhaustive reporting on a story that has clearly reached an end.” Licht added that CNN would now pivot to issues of greater news value, like the cheating scandal on Vanderpump Rules.
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In order to PUT AN END TO THE INJUSTICE perpetrated by Manhattan District Attorney ALVIN BRAGG’s recent INDICTMENT of our BELOVED LEADER, MAGA PATRIOTS can now DONATE HERE to HELP PROTECT OUR BEAUTIFUL PRESIDENT TRUMP. The BEST PRESIDENT THIS COUNTRY HAS EVER HAD is under ATTACK by a POLITICALLY MOTIVATED WITCH HUNT…
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Former President Donald Trump is facing a potential indictment by the Manhattan district attorney over alleged hush money payments to adult film actress Stormy Daniels, setting off a national firestorm of controversy. The Onion tells you everything you need to know about Trump’s potential indictment.
Q: What is Trump being charged with?
A: Botching a layup crime that anyone with his wealth should have gotten away with no problem.
Q: Who is bringing the charges against him?
A: Rich, out-of-touch New Yorkers who could never understand Trump’s middle-class heartland values.
Q: Why wasn’t Trump arrested on Tuesday like he said he would be? A: This was a rare instance of the usually prudent former president posting before thinking.
Q: Is this the first time a former president has been indicted?
A: No, Jimmy Carter was found guilty of leading one of the biggest credit card skimming rings in history.
G/O Media may get a commission
Q: Will there be riots in response to his arrest?
A: The correct term for when white people smash things is “demonstration.”
Q: How is the media covering this story?
A: They’re striving to hit that sweet spot of breathless and reckless.
Q: Would imprisonment impact Trump’s 2024 presidential candidacy?
A: Trump has vowed to run for president from prison just like his hero Eugene Debs.
Q: What does it tell us as a nation that Trump is the first U.S. president ever criminally charged?
A: That The Hague has really been slacking off.
Q: So will Trump go to prison?
A: In a way, he has been in a prison of his own privilege his whole life, but no.
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AUSTIN, TX—After a year in which the electric automaker’s stock lost 65% of its value, CEO Elon Musk has doubled down on plans to build Tesla’s Cybertruck, introducing on Friday a new design for a concept vehicle that would boldly reimagine the American pickup. “This is a truck unlike any the world has ever seen: the first to consist entirely of a quadrilateral with four congruent sides and four right angles,” Musk said during a media event at Tesla headquarters, describing the proposed Cybertruck’s unique two-dimensionality and innovative ability to glide across land, sea, and air. “It’s going to be totally flat, and we’ve done away with the wheels completely. Because it has no depth, it can theoretically travel at infinite speeds. And with its ability to hold an unlimited number of passengers, the Cybertruck will instantly alleviate all traffic congestion between San Francisco and L.A. Anyway, we’ll have these on the road later this year.” At press time, Tesla’s stock price had reportedly tripled even as Musk’s blueprint for the concept car inexplicably erupted into flames.
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If you know someone who stans the almighty Meme Lord and CEO of the Boring Company Elon Musk, here are things you should never say.
Oh, so you’re one of those woke libtards, huh?
This will be a conversational dead end, as Lundstedt lacks Musk’s infectious charisma and je ne sais quoi.
For true stans, it’s impossible to choose between the 40-plus racial and sexual harassment cases.
You may know the end to his story, but there’s no need to ruin it for people who’ve never come to grips with the reality that he is but a man.
Actually, for a man like Musk, relieving himself in a diaper rather than a toilet is a far more efficient use of his valuable time.
This, however, is a trick, as no one has ever truly been close to him.
There’s no need to rank them.
Pointing out the obvious will just make her feel bad.
Implying that Elon Musk is in any way similar to anyone who existed before him is pretty much guaranteed to lead to a fistfight.
They will rightly point out that Twitter was already ruined. He will just make it worse.
Elon Musk is the perfect amount of funny, asshole.
Just testing something here…
Don’t give them false hope their father will acknowledge them.
The only two outcomes from saying this are a violent death threat or total dismissal of your personhood.
This will only make things worse.
Only terrors lie down this path.
Don’t be such a bitch, Mom.
Bad idea all around.
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Millions of Twitter users asked Elon Musk to step down as head of Twitter in a poll the billionaire created and promised to abide by. What do you think?
“Even Elon Musk isn’t safe from Elon Musk’s Twitter layoffs.”
Marcus Salvesen • Posture Critic
“To be fair, a lot of those people are biased by their desire for a functional social media platform.”
Monique Dewey • Progress Identifier
“It’s for the best. He has other companies he should be destroying right now.”
Jim Quinlan • Grudge Archivist
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Former President Donald Trump is being mocked over his “major announcement” that he’s selling $99 limited-edition digital trading cards featuring himself depicted as a superhero and astronaut among other characters. What do you think?
“Sometimes I wish I wasn’t so committed to giving him all my money.”
Tyler Larsen, Toilet Flusher
“Wow, there’s no way Trump could salvage his political career after doing something that gets mocked!”
Fiona Adamzik, Display Dismantler
“Trade you two DeSantises and a rookie Bret Baier.”
Brandon Price, Gerbil Breeder
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