PALM BEACH, FL—Addressing his most ardent supporters mere hours after his arrest on 34 counts of falsifying business records, former President Donald Trump spent his prime-time speech Tuesday raving about Mar-a-Lago’s sea bass special. “It’s incredible, folks, so succulent—they don’t serve sea bass like this up in Manhattan, I’ll tell you that,” said the 45th president, speaking to the gathered throngs of his largely silent supporters, who slowly lowered their “Free Trump” and “Hang Bragg” placards as he entered his fifth minute praising the $49.99 fish special. “This chef does wonderful, wonderful things with sea bass. I don’t know how he does it. I really don’t. There’s a bit of a kick, and it’s not too fishy. A baked potato and Caesar salad on the side. Really, my mouth is watering just thinking about it. Fresh caught, too. I swear, it’s the finest piece of fish you’ll ever have. And I’ll tell you a little secret: That’s actually why I flew back so early tonight. Not to see any of you. Okay, good night. Bye-bye.” At press time, Trump had ended the speech early and left a confused crowd of supporters standing in the dark outside the resort’s gate.
