NEW YORK—As part of an effort to take a more public approach to addressing an issue that has plagued the league in recent years, the NFL introduced touching flyover tributes this week for all veterans of domestic violence. “We know that our fans and the rest of the NFL community look to us for leadership, and we believe these flyovers are the best way to honor the victims and perpetrators of domestic violence,” said NFL commissioner Roger Goodell, adding that the league was pleased with the half-dozen spectacles in which supersonic jets flew over stadiums while planes with banners reading “The NFL Stands with Rape Victims and Rapists” circled in the air. “Many of our players have been involved in domestic disputes that have led to violence, and we believe we should honor that. Many of these families have dealt with domestic violence over and over again, and they deserve some recognition after their years of service to a part of the league that we hold near and dear to our hearts.” The NFL added that it would also begin airing commercials during games featuring former players, as well as victims of sexual assault, speaking out against and also for domestic violence.
Over 600,000 gallons of red wine rushed through the streets of São Lourenço do Bairro, Portugal, after two tanks at a nearby hilltop distillery broke open and sent the alcohol rushing through the town streets below. What do you think?
“It never occurred to me that alcohol could be dangerous.”
Joseph Boreen, Utensil Consultant
Fuddruckers Pursues Market Opportunity By Opening 1,000 Locations In Russia
“How come nothing delicious ever buries my town?”
Tara Pelletier, Systems Analyst
“A wonderful day for people who like to lick wine off the street.”
ROCHESTER HILLS, MI—Peering out her kitchen window with concern after noticing the pedestrian across the street, suspicious resident Barbara Hill reportedly told her husband Tuesday that she didn’t recall ever seeing that Black man on this planet before. “Hon, I don’t want to be overly nosy, but I just don’t remember bumping into that guy in our part of the solar system before,” said Hill, stressing that while it was possible the Black man had just gotten lost and entered the Earth’s atmosphere by mistake, he seemed out of place on the terrestrial surface. “Should I lock the doors just to be safe? Am I being crazy? Something about him really doesn’t seem like it’s from this part of the galaxy. Even if he is from this planet—and I hate to say this—someone out of place like him could really bring down the planetary value.” At press time, the woman had placed a precautionary call to NASA just to tell them about the Black man and ask if they could launch him into space.
Department Of Transportation Announces $1 Billion Investment In Horses
Walmart has made adjustments to its pay scale, lowering the starting hourly wages for some jobs such as shelf stockers and those who pack online orders. What do you think?
“Wage cuts are an unavoidable part of running a massively profitable business.”
Don Barlett, Systems Analyst
Department Of Transportation Announces $1 Billion Investment In Horses
“Where else can you make cuts if not from the people who have almost nothing?”
Carol Richling, Audience Recruiter
“Wages should reflect the cost of living on the streets.”
With the ailment blamed for many of the problems in the country, The Onion asked Americans what it is like to live with the Woke Mind Virus, and this is what they said.
Corey Wainwright, Gaffer
“I caught it from my son after he went to a school that hadn’t burned all their books.”
Matt Cohn, Social Media Specialist
Matt Cohn, Social Media Specialist
“I wake up naked every night inside a Planned Parenthood, unable to remember how I got there or what I was doing.”
Grace Klein, Pastry Chef
“Now anytime I wear blackface, my skin burns.”
Grant Wheelan, Engineer
“My wife got it, but she was totally fine after I chained her up and locked her in the basement for two weeks without food or water.”
Sarah Batts, Copywriter
“I just wish there were a vaccine for the woke mind virus that I could have refused to take.”
Sarah Collins, Veterinarian
Sarah Collins, Veterinarian
“We’re just hoping that someday, someone holds George Soros responsible for doing this to us.”
Mason Hudson, Interior Decorator
Mason Hudson, Interior Decorator
“The woke mind virus caused a tiny Ibram X. Kendi to burst out of my colleague’s chest after devouring his insides for sustenance. It then jumped into my mouth and I was so frightened I accidentally swallowed it. I’m afraid the same fate will now befall me.”
Isla Menendez, Warehouse Worker
Isla Menendez, Warehouse Worker
“I got it from a Chick-fil-A sandwich, go figure!”
Josh Doyle, Director
“Oh, you know. I start the day with a woke shower and then eat some woke eggs and woke potatoes. Then I put on my woke pants and woke shirt and hail a woke taxi to job shooting woke pornography.”
Dylan Holland, Registered Nurse
Dylan Holland, Registered Nurse
“I want to yell racial slurs, but every time I open my mouth, ‘Fight Song’ comes out instead.”
Ralph Busco, Podiatrist
“Well, for one, I’m gay now. Granted. I was before, too. The woke mind virus apparently doesn’t really have an effect on your sexuality, funny enough.”
Bryce Gibbs, Sales Manager
Bryce Gibbs, Sales Manager
“There is a tattoo of Kamala Harris where my penis used to be.”
Marcie Hawkins, Statistician
Marcie Hawkins, Statistician
“Frankly, I don’t know how long I have left. My insurance doesn’t cover woke mind virus.”
Liam Cote, Arcade Owner
“I spent $150,000 replacing my eyeballs, tongue, face, and nose so I look like a giant hardcover copy of White Fragility.”
Travis Pendant, Electrician
Travis Pendant, Electrician
“I think I only got a mild case, because I still call anyone who doesn’t go on a date with me a whore.”
Kelsey Jamison, Seamstress
Kelsey Jamison, Seamstress
“I beg for death, but I cannot die. I’ve jumped off a 10-story building. I’ve tied cinderblocks to my feet and jumped in a lake. I’ve shot myself in the head. Every time, I come to on a liberal college campus in a women’s studies class.”
Vincent Rodriguez, Catholic Priest
Vincent Rodriguez, Catholic Priest
“The impulse to molest is luckily stored in a different, unaffected part of the cortex.”
Janet Knight, Makeup Artist
Janet Knight, Makeup Artist
“I hallucinated that I was in a committed, long-term relationship with Rosie O’Donnell, and I liked it.”
Ben Thompson, Grocery Store Cashier
Ben Thompson, Grocery Store Cashier
“I develop a new symptom every day, it’s honestly a frustratingly incoherent illness.”
Liza Andres, Administrative Assistant
Liza Andres, Administrative Assistant
“It spreads through a cursed, tattered copy of We Should All Be Feminists that keeps showing up on your doorstep, no matter how many times you throw it away.”
Marissa Schlagel, Waitress
Marissa Schlagel, Waitress
“I think Black people should be able to vote. Goodbye. I can’t keep living like this. These will be my final words.”
Paul Klein, Pilot
“An immigrant carried it over! An immigrant from elsewhere! Elsewhere has the woke mind virus, and the immigrant, who is of course unclean, brought the woke mind virus from the elsewhere and it now has infected my whole family!”
Armie Hammer, Actor
“Hello. Can I be woke?”
Theresa Lamb, Software Developer
Theresa Lamb, Software Developer
“I am unable to see the American flag.”
Dan Menchin, Videographer
Dan Menchin, Videographer
“Is the woke virus the thing where you turn into a goat whenever there’s a red tide? And you have to roam around eating grass and tree bark with the other goats until the red tide pulls away? If so, I have that, yeah.”
Jane Ginsburg, Attorney
“The woke mind virus killed my mother, Ruth Bader Ginsburg.”
Howard Campbell, Tech Executive
Howard Campbell, Tech Executive
“You’re not going to like this, but the only antidote is Joe Biden’s semen.”
Mexico’s Supreme Court has thrown out all federal criminal penalties for abortion, ruling that national laws prohibiting the procedure violate women’s rights in a sweeping decision that extended Latin America’s trend of widening abortion access. What do you think?
“Sounds like someone forgot to bribe their justices.”
Preston Lee, Buffet Critic
This Week’s Most Viral News: September 08, 2023
“Great, now they’re taking jobs from American abortionists.”
WASHINGTON—Touting the renovation as a long-overdue effort to bring the U.S. government’s command and control hub into the 21st century, the White House announced Friday that it had rebranded the Situation Room as a dark, moody drum-and-bass-oriented dance lounge known as Club Situation. “Thanks to these recent updates, there’s now no hotter place for those with top secret clearance and an urge to cut loose during a national security crisis than Club Situation,” said club manager Jake Sullivan, describing other additions allowed by their $50 million development budget such as a black light-illuminated dance floor, extrajudicial detainees writhing in cages, bottle service to celebrate successful drone strikes, and tropical house and hyperpop-inflected tracks spun by DJ Jeff Zients. “We were also able to construct a vitally needed VIP area where the president can receive a glass of Courvoisier and classified intelligence about the hottest ladies out there tonight. Yes, there’s a bit of a wait to get in, but once you’re there, everyone who’s anyone is back there. You just have to leave your phone at the door, because shit gets crazy fast.” At press time, Vice President Kamala Harris was spotted outside Club Situation telling the skeptical bouncer she knew someone in there and begging to be let inside.
LOS ANGELES—Spitting into their palms to cement the deal, Nick, Joe, and Kevin Jonas reportedly made a tree-house pact Friday to divorce their mean wives and marry each other. “Everything was so much better when it was just us Jonas boys, and that’s how it should always be,” said newly separated Joe Jonas, slipping a Funyun onto his brother Nick’s ring finger and whispering, “Brother, you’re my wife now.” “We don’t need any gross, mean girls making everything complicated—we’ll just live in our cool tree fort forever and ever and have mom bring us snacks. What else could we need? It’s settled, I’m officially sending Sophie’s lawyer this sign that says ‘NO GIRLS ALLOWED.’ Well, except Mom, but she has to know the code word to enter. Now let’s practice kissing like we used to.” At press time, Kevin was seen sobbing and threatening to tattle to their mother after neither of his brothers wanted to marry him.
WASHINGTON—Cracking down on the common but unethical practice seemingly rampant in department stores, the Federal Trade Commission began issuing fines this week for any sassy retail employee who held up a customer’s declined credit card and cut it in half. “A lot of these snobbish retail employees seem to derive a sick pleasure out of dramatically snipping the credit card belonging to a self-described shopaholic in half, rather than the standard procedure of handing the card back and simply informing them it’s been declined,” said FTC chair Lina Khan, explaining that these workers got away with the practice for years by blaming the credit card companies, claiming “they told me to do that” on the phone when the shopper looked at them, shocked. “This has been happening since the early ’90s, and it’s time we took it seriously—that’s why there will now be a $200 minimum fine for any gum-smacking cashier with scissors in their hand, no exceptions. It’s not only about financial privacy concerns, we also want to cut down on the mental anguish that a consumer is put through when these rude sales associates inform them that they must go and have a little chat with their manager, which they proceed to do behind a nearby door with a little window, allowing them to look back at the customer and snicker within view. These people need to learn that just because you work at a mall, you do not get to be a smug mean girl and get away with it.” At press time, the FTC had issued a warning to American consumers to be especially wary of any retail employee possessing a vaguely French accent and dressed in all black.
Economy Collapses After 10-Year-Old Boy Spends Entire U.S. GDP On Fortnite Skins
SAN JOSE, CA—As part of an effort to nurture and raise its young, a self-driving Tesla regurgitated a pedestrian carcass to feed its offspring, sources confirmed Wednesday. “Wow, there’s something so beautiful about watching a mother Tesla feed its children by vomiting up the half-digested remains of a pedestrian,” said onlooker Becca Heinrich, explaining that she could tell young Teslas were hungry by the way they scarfed down the partially dissolved bones and viscera of the pedestrian killed at a nearby intersection. “It’s obvious how much it loves them when you consider how many times it drives away to get more pedestrian for them to devour. I don’t want to get too close, though, because if it smells me on the young brood, it might reject and kill the developing electric vehicles.” At press time, the self-driving Tesla was reportedly pushing its offspring out into the middle of a busy school crosswalk so they could learn to drive.
Economy Collapses After 10-Year-Old Boy Spends Entire U.S. GDP On Fortnite Skins
TULSA, OK—Observing that he had taken time to reflect and grieve, friends of local man John Tellez were encouraging the widower to get back out there and accidentally kill another family with carbon monoxide poisoning, sources confirmed Wednesday. “It’s time to take a chance on meeting someone new you can unintentionally poison by living in a house with an old furnace and failing to have it inspected,” said Tellez’s friend Hector Ruggeri, adding that the bereaved 43-year-old might be afraid to let anyone get close to him, but that he would need to so that one day he could again be negligent enough to allow the people in this world he loves most to die by inhaling a highly toxic gas. “Why be alone for the rest of your life when you could date for a while, find a new partner, ask that person to move in with you, start a new family, forget to replace the battery in your carbon monoxide detector, and then lose everything in an instant when the deadly, odorless substance causes everyone to asphyxiate in their sleep while you’re away on a business trip? You are a good person and deserve to be with someone you love for a certain amount of time before you inadvertently kill them!” Ruggeri later offered to introduce Tellez to his cousin, saying she just might be someone he would hit it off with and want to invite back to his place, where there was a chance he might accidentally leave his car running in the attached garage.
Hims Offers New Dunce Cap For Men Who Can’t Get Hard
POINT: To My Constituents, My Health…America…Purple…Bees
Mitch McConnell
My fellow Americans, let me say once and for all that my health should be of no serious company to you. As my shrimp doctor has purpled, I am in nearly sherbet, and frankly the discussion of such personal mattress is becoming twin-sized bedding.
Hims Offers New Dunce Cap For Men Who Can’t Get Hard
Now, I know bees have become increasingly purple, but that is no purple that is worth losing our spurs over. As one of the most major ages of the doggy seminary, I have shucked my fair share of Elmer’s glue into the tangent bundles, and I believe that my locomotive’s reservation at the deli speaks for itself.
But that is not what’s big book here.
What’s big book here, is that no one is making hot, hot 3D fire. Who is arguably more blocks than I? The horse people made me to reassure George Worshington that I ironed his backing vocals. If not, what is Robert Washington even batting for?
Monsday???
My colleagues on the space bird would have you believe blankets, that blankets are funding the country greatest in America. But no. No, no, no, no, no. He left!
In the way, I plan to feed my term the marble it requires. But, the marble I do begin to cake as one…
…
…
…
The Old Steam I do begin to tomb as one, I will steep computer. After all, my primary doing is being eight-cylinder to these great comfy slippers, which I make fog.
For now, stop her—I think the nurse stole steel.
Thank you.
COUNTERPOINT: The Country…Milkshake…Vietnam…Hello?
Dianne Feinstein
Hello?
…
Hello, where is this?
…
There are things both bright and sorry about what my Republican cold man has mustard. At one, we need more horse money in the back than they do in the front.
…
Oh, God…oh my God, no…
…
I am Dianne, I know that. I ordered a milkshake at the place with the refrigerated girls. I too of am age number 6-0-4. But that does not mean Lady Sherbet has more things to do today than I do. I know the Master of the Dinner Rolls, he purpled in my twin-sized car.
All day, you say porridge is newly erected America River. Well, I see nothing, I hurt in my middle.
I lived in a big basketball team with the shrimp girls. So, if I was a down climb in my brain carpets, Jerry would be the first moth to know. Jerry was there. So, why?
…
The Solar Cattle svzzzizz…
…
The Data Molting that Jack svizzzz…
Thsvizzzzz…vzzzzz…svizzzzzz…
…
…
I met Frankie Valli at my school chasm, and Vietnam was there! We ate Turkish trampoline. He devoured my gloves.
WASHINGTON—Offering insight into what’s currently happening in the field of science, the American Association for the Advancement of Science released a statement Monday confirming that everything science-wise was regular. “As far as science is concerned, we’re doing experiments and all the regular stuff,” said AAAS spokesperson William Davis, confirming that they all go into the laboratories every day in goggles and white coats to do the science. “Beakers, test tubes—same old, same old on our end. Just the usual stuff like peering into microscopes and jotting down data. We’ll let you know if anything changes, but for now, it’s pretty by the numbers within every branch of the discipline. Chlorophyll is what it is, you know? We’re making discoveries, as we are wont to do. Did you have any science stuff you wanted to announce? If not, we should probably get back to the molecules and what not.” At press time, the nation’s mathematicians announced that everything math-wise was totally fucked.
NEW YORK—In the wake of mounting legal troubles, including an indictment in Georgia on felony charges of tampering with the 2020 election, sources reported Friday that former New York Mayor Rudy Giuliani had put himself up for adoption. “Little Rudy needs someone to take care of him, and he has so much love to give!” said Giuliani, formerly a lawyer for Donald Trump and currently his alleged co-conspirator, adding that he hoped to be taken in by a warm, kind, rich family who would be able to pay off all his legal fees as well as any damages he would need to pay after being found liable for defaming election workers. “I would kiss my new mama and papa on the cheek every single day. You could buy me candy and maybe even the $6.5 million luxury apartment I just put up for sale. Then I could live there again and we would be so happy! Oh please, oh please, I’m all alone in this big world.” Giuliani went on to state that if he were to be adopted, it would be the best thing that had ever happened to him, “including 9/11.”
Biden Asks Americans To Come Sit By Him And Keep Him Company Until The End
A Capitol physician has reportedly cleared Senate GOP leader Mitch McConnell to continue his schedule after he experienced an episode where he was unable to speak or move for the second time in as many months in public. What do you think?
“He’s probably doing it for attention.”
Kimberly Gara, Literacy Critic
Americans Describe What It’s Like Surviving A Mass Shooting
“This happens every time he receives new instructions from Satan.”
Emil Flocchini, Unemployed
“What American hasn’t frozen in horror when trying to think about our government?”
CINCINNATI—Admitting that he had an avoidant personality that often left him closed off to new possibilities, local man Stanley Fox reportedly stepped out of his comfort zone Friday by flashing his penis to diners at popular restaurant Harmon’s Dinette. “Certainly, I’m not the kind of guy who’d usually feel comfortable unzipping his pants and unveiling his penis in front of strangers, but sometimes it’s important to push yourself into something new,” said Fox, who noted that speaking with a therapist had helped him understand the way social anxiety could prevent him from experiencing the satisfaction and growth that could be derived from pointing to one’s partially erect member and then asking disgusted nearby patrons, “You like what you see?” “This is like when I tried sushi for the first time. I kept telling myself I’d never eat raw fish, but now that I have, I actually eat it all the time. Now, I’ll admit this is scarier than staying under my safety blanket of pants and underwear, but it’s also more exciting.” At press time, Fox confirmed that his worst fears had gone unrealized after the customers who had not fled or called the police went on to applaud his bravery for showing off his genitals.
After a second incident in which the Kentucky senator froze up during a press conference, The Onion asked Americans to explain why Mitch McConnell should step down, and this is what they said.
Dana Boone, Radiologist
“You really shouldn’t be exposed to sunlight if you’re 85% goo or more.”
Harrison Newburn, Dermatologist
Harrison Newburn, Dermatologist
“It’s time his family members stepped in and placed him in a lobbying firm.”
Jerry Vito, Butcher
“He’s already at that meat-falling-off-the-bone stage.”
Alice Schenk, Doctor
“As a physician specializing in geriatric medicine, I can say it is clear from the video that he is old as shit.”
Derek Chambers, Bird Enthusiast
Derek Chambers, Bird Enthusiast
“We need lawmakers who approach policy with a fresher, more youthful view of white supremacy.”
Parker Olmstead, Pet Sitter
Parker Olmstead, Pet Sitter
“I’m delusional enough to think we can get a Democrat elected in his place.”
Bailey Vance, Aesthetician
Bailey Vance, Aesthetician
“I think we can all agree there should be term limits for politicians we don’t like.”
Benjamin Lawrence, Judge
“I’m really into the idea of retirement being the beginning of something amazing! Mitch still has 40 or 50 years to devote to becoming an amazing figure skater or watercolor artist.”
Lana Cleek, Sales Manager
Lana Cleek, Sales Manager
“I think we should set the age limit for any politician at 12.”
Marisol Lopez, Realtor
“We specifically set up our society to guarantee that our nation’s elderly would wither away into nothingness out of sight of the rest of us.”
Mitch McConnell, U.S. Senator
Mitch McConnell, U.S. Senator
Roberta Hill, Mechanical Engineer
Roberta Hill, Mechanical Engineer
“His mental infirmities are slightly weirder and more difficult to get my head around than those of our other major political leaders.”
Katherine Avila, Graphic Designer
Katherine Avila, Graphic Designer
“I know if that were my elderly father up there, I’d want him beheaded for the evil he’s inflicted upon America.”
Ignacio Wilson, IT Developer
Ignacio Wilson, IT Developer
“The daily work of stigmatizing trans kids and forcing women to give birth takes incredible concentration, and I just think Mitch is getting too old to do that.”
Joe Cousins, Bond Trader
“I’d like to be able to look at my senator without vomiting.”
Elaine Hampton, Pharmacist
Elaine Hampton, Pharmacist
“I’m sure he’s still got a lot of slurs left to say on his bucket list.”
Elaine Chao, Wife
“I require pleasuring at home.”
George Eng, Phlebotomist
“We the living cannot allow ourselves to be ruled by the dead.”
Patricia Farnsworth, Maître D’
Patricia Farnsworth, Maître D’
“He deserves some time to relax before spending eternity in hell.”
The Biden administration released its list of the first 10 drugs that Medicare will negotiate for price cuts with drugmakers, including some of the most widely prescribed or expensive drugs for conditions such as heart disease, diabetes, and autoimmune conditions. What do you think?
“My brand of cigarettes better be on that list.”
Horace Steinberg, Unemployed
Archaeologists Uncover Living Guy By Mistake
“It’s exciting to see America edge closer to ‘developed nation’ status.”
Elyssa Moore, Knee Model
“This will only encourage more people to develop atrial fibrillation.”
