TULSA, OK—Observing that he had taken time to reflect and grieve, friends of local man John Tellez were encouraging the widower to get back out there and accidentally kill another family with carbon monoxide poisoning, sources confirmed Wednesday. “It’s time to take a chance on meeting someone new you can unintentionally poison by living in a house with an old furnace and failing to have it inspected,” said Tellez’s friend Hector Ruggeri, adding that the bereaved 43-year-old might be afraid to let anyone get close to him, but that he would need to so that one day he could again be negligent enough to allow the people in this world he loves most to die by inhaling a highly toxic gas. “Why be alone for the rest of your life when you could date for a while, find a new partner, ask that person to move in with you, start a new family, forget to replace the battery in your carbon monoxide detector, and then lose everything in an instant when the deadly, odorless substance causes everyone to asphyxiate in their sleep while you’re away on a business trip? You are a good person and deserve to be with someone you love for a certain amount of time before you inadvertently kill them!” Ruggeri later offered to introduce Tellez to his cousin, saying she just might be someone he would hit it off with and want to invite back to his place, where there was a chance he might accidentally leave his car running in the attached garage.

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