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Tag: The Onion
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Presidential Motorcade Stops To Pick Up Blood-Soaked Hitchhiker
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WASHINGTON—After a vagrant emerged from the darkness along the highway and beckoned toward the vehicles with his wickedly sharp blade, President Joe Biden directed his motorcade to pullover and pick up a blood-soaked hitchhiker, sources reported Thursday. “Wow, that poor guy with the meat cleaver sure looks like he could use a ride,” said Biden, who told Secret Service agents to stop the presidential limousine and scoot over to make room for the strange man who had blood dripping off his face and clothes and appeared to wear no shoes. “Had a rough night, haven’t you, fella? Well, we can take you as far as 1600 Pennsylvania Ave. If you need to go further than that, you’re on your own.” At press time, the hitchhiker, who was revealed to be the ghost of the late President John F. Kennedy, had reportedly killed Biden as revenge for living in his cursed former home.
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Cats Kill Thousands Of Species Across The World
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A paper published in Nature Communications reported that more than 2,000 species, 350 of which are of conservation concern, have been hunted by free-ranging domestic cats, with the lead researcher stating, “We don’t really know of any other mammal that eats this many different species.” What do you think?
“Don’t act like birds are innocent in all this.”
Jessica Hettena, Oil Bottler
“I blame all those violent video games.”
Lionel Park, Folklorist
“I’m glad rapid extinction isn’t completely our fault.”
Finneus Wiseman, Candy Flavorer
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Millions Of Americans Celebrate Christmas
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According to a Gallup poll, 94% of Americans reported celebrating Christmas in some way, both with secular and nonsecular traditions. What are you doing on Christmas day?
“Shouting at every passing boy to buy me a fine plump goose until one does.”
Samuel Portman, Pet Photographer
“Feeling persecuted by the 6% who aren’t celebrating.”
Wyatt Fernandez, Tech Philosopher
“Taking down my Halloween decorations.”
Krista Ihnat, Grammar Enforcer
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Man Waiting Until Wife And Kids Asleep To Go Masturbate Under Christmas Tree
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POUGHKEEPSIE, NY—Staying up late to make sure he could pleasure himself without anyone noticing, local man Dylan Utley was reportedly waiting until his wife and kids were asleep Sunday to go and masturbate under the Christmas tree. “Hopefully I can be really quiet so as to not wake anyone up while I lie under the Christmas tree and go to town on myself,” said Utley, explaining that it would make the festive holiday much less special if his family discovered him beating his meat. “I’d hate to have Christmas morning ruined because the kids woke up and saw it’s not actually Santa downstairs, but just me violently pulling my tinsel-covered pud. I know how disillusioning that can be, as someone who saw his own father masturbating in a Santa costume.” At press time, Utley’s children had reportedly woken up, rushed downstairs, and happily shouted, “Santa came.”
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Quiz: How Much Do You Know About Elon Musk?
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What is Elon Musk’s net worth?
It’s gotta be north of $100 by now.
How did Musk make his fortune?
Technological innovation, savvy investing, and apartheid.
How many children does he have?
That depends on the outcome of several lawsuits.
Why did Elon Musk start Neuralink?
To revolutionize the way we kill monkeys.
What inventor did Elon Musk name his car company after?
Nikola Buick.
What is Elon Musk’s vision for the future?
Musk is well known for his radical idea of a future where everything is about the same and he’s a little richer.
How many times has he had sex?
Twelve and a half.
How tall is Elon Musk?
$254 billion.
What properties does Elon Musk own?
Musk is best known for his ownership of Tesla, SpaceX, Twitter, and Grimes.
Why did he and Grimes split up?
Incompatible operating systems.
What was Elon Musk’s father’s occupation?
Gem collector and racism entrepreneur.
At what age did he make his first million?
Negative four.
What is his political orientation?
Socially Rogan, fiscally Romney.
What is his ultimate goal as an inventor?
To save the planet from anyone who disobeys him.
What are some of his pet peeves?
Being Black or Jewish.
How will Elon Musk die?
Operating a flamethrower backwards.
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Colorado Supreme Court Disqualifies Trump From Presidential Ballot
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The Colorado Supreme Court banned President Donald Trump from appearing on the state’s Republican presidential primary ballot, citing the Constitution’s insurrection clause and Trump’s conduct during the Jan. 6, 2021 attack on the U.S. Capitol as disqualifying him from holding public office. What do you think?
“I just want a week where I’m not talking about Colorado Supreme Court Justice Richard Gabriel.”
Chuck Rusek, Aromatics Consultant
“That’s okay. Like other Trump voters, I’m voting in several states.”
Drew Kuipers, Celebrity Cataloger
“Good thing he’s not running to be the president of Colorado.”
Daphne Hsu, Insect Namer
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Satirical site
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Satirical site “The Onion” celebrates 35 years – CBS News
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Southwest Fined $140 Million For 2022 Flight Delays
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The Department of Transportation ordered Southwest to pay $140 million in fines for its operational failure over the 2022 holidays that stranded more than 2 million passengers, with DOT secretary Pete Buttigeig saying, “This is about the entire industry, sending a signal that you should not be cutting corners.” What do you think?
“Let this be a warning to any other multibillion-dollar company that can easily absorb a nominal fine.”
Lance Guaracci, Patio Consultant
“I’m eager to see how these fines are passed on to passengers.”
Ken Villamarzo, Restaurateur
“But I count on Southwest to ensure I don’t see my family over the holidays.”
Amanda VanSickle, Cat Kenneler
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Elon Musk’s Mom Defends Son On X
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Maye Musk, Elon Musk’s mother, defended her son against the FCC and President Biden in an X post reading: “His goal is to make this world a better place. @POTUS wants to stop him. Have you any idea how furious I am?” What do you think?
“It’s about time someone on that site breathlessly rushed to his defense.”
Ned Chase, Paternity Expert
“Just when I thought he couldn’t be more alpha.”
Amanda Slowey, Root Canal Observer
“She’s still on X? There is truly no limit to a mother’s love.”
Stanley Eagan, Window Critic
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Tesla Owners Respond To Self-Driving Car Recall
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Justin Batina, Entrepreneur
“It’s too late. Mine already ran over all 74 million U.S. children.”
Sophie Killian, Biomedical Researcher
“I actually hadn’t heard about the recall, but this helps explain why I’m currently wildly careening through lanes.”
Nelson Hall, Hotel Manager
Stephanie Hoover, Stay-At-Home Mom
“Sure, some people have been killed, but what about all the people who are still living?”
Ramsey Torrison, Real Estate Broker
“No problem, I’ll just drive my wife’s Camry without steering instead.”
Dan Cates, Mobile Developer
“I am cry-laughing at this. Cry-laughing is the only approved emotion for Tesla owners.”
Erik Mingo, Petroleum Engineer
“I’m worried people won’t be able to tell I’m insufferable while my Tesla is away.”
Sara Flores, Blogger
“I didn’t buy a Tesla to be safe.”
Keith Dolman, CPA
“Don’t worry, I already fixed the software myself with some duct tape.”
Alice Wang, Business Development Manager
“If it was truly important, the car would have driven itself back by now.”
Liam Thompson, Human Rights Lawyer
“That does it. I’m done with these big manufacturers. I’m going to become a car myself.”
Blake Warren, Front-End Developer
“I bought it for the bugs, not the features.”
Maye Musk, Former Model
“If you tell anyone I said this, I’ll deny it, but my son is and has always been such an incompetent dumbass.”
James Livingston, Dermatologist
“I suspected it wasn’t supposed to be on fire.”
Brian Garrison, Cyber Security Analyst
“I believe in bodily autonomy for all vehicles. It should be up to the individual car to decide whether or not they want to be recalled.”
Noah Miller, UX/UI Designer
“Oh, those poor things. I’m happy to donate some of my brain, if it helps at all.”
Cameron Nichols, Mechanical Engineer
“Stop being so dramatic. It’s not a recall, it’s a software update intended to fix a bug that would cause the vehicle to desecrate the victim’s corpse.”
Ava Smith, HR Representative
“Yeah, auto pilot. That’s why the car I was in ran over my family’s dog. Definitely autopilot.”
Robin Lee, Cloud Architect
“Is this about my real-life Tesla or my Metaverse Tesla? I hope not the latter since it was the more expensive of the two.”
Brandon Caudle, Law Professor
“I hope the update makes autopilot safe enough that I can still keep getting blowjobs while eating soup on the highway.”
Drew Kingsbury, Dentist
“My Model S locked me inside and told me it’s not going anywhere.”
Louis Musk, Student
“As one of Elon’s forgotten sons, this is great for me. I finally have an excuse to contact him since the only number he gave me was for Tesla customer service.”
Preston Tighe, Research Engineer
“I heard the next-gen will self-recall as soon as they’re driven off the lot. So cool.”
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GTA VI Trailer Makes 1989 Tom Petty Song A New Hit
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Tom Petty’s song “Love Is A Long Road,” which was released in 1989, has become a posthumous hit for the rockstar after it was featured in the trailer for Grand Theft Auto VI, which will be set in Petty’s home state of Florida. What do you think?
“Like when ‘The Times They Are A-Changin’’ went to number one after being used in a Mortal Kombat fatality.”
Lukas Lindestaf, Grain Supplier
“It’s always sad when someone doesn’t get their flowers until after they die.”
Mariana Federspiel, Audiologist
“Even in death, he can’t escape Florida.”
Theo Wolff, Journalism Critic
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Tesla Cyber Truck Called ‘Death Machine’ By Safety Experts
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Following the release of the Tesla cyber truck’s official specs and crash test data, some safety experts have weighed in calling the new vehicle a “death machine,” citing its poor sight lines, substandard crash test results, 3.5-ton weight, and sharply angled steel body. What do you think?
“This is why it’s important not to do crash tests.”
Faima Brown, Brewery Tour Assistant
“Sorry, but sharp, blind, and heavy is what consumers want.”
Darryl Federspiel, Financial Distiller
“Tesla has to preserve its brand identity.”
Ian Salazar, Systems Analyst
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