Category: Humor

He seemed okay once he entered the military. But no one heard that he was missing his drug tests. He conveniently vanished from the base when drug tests were taken. Said he had an appointment somewhere else.

Sound a little fishy?

And is skipping a drug test okay in the British military? Those soldiers are manning Howitzers and flying around in helicopters. Who knew?

Someone must have known…

Now it’s clear he was dodging the drug tests, and no one said, “Hold on, mate. Take the drug test, or you’re out.”

But they say the grandson came and went as he pleased, and his behavior was kept under wraps and okay.

However, the same grandson knew his castle bedroom was smaller than his older brother’s bedroom.

Drug tests? Get lost. Bedroom size? Now that is an issue.

Possibly he felt bedroom size was an issue as a child, but to readdress his bedroom size as an adult, and to include it in an autobiography?

It smacks of a Goldilocks just right mindset.

How many homeless children would complain about their bedroom size?

Room for change? Sure. Better he support Invictus veterans than complain and write about a bedroom size.

Fingers crossed!

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Look! Up in the sky! It’s a bird! It’s a spy platform! No, it’s just a lonely birthday balloon that escaped a party.

A white orb was discovered in the skies of Montana and was first thought to be a another Chinese spy device, but it turned out to be a disgruntled birthday balloon that escaped yet another gathering of family and friends singing the Anglo Saxon version of “Happy Birthday.”

When asked to elaborate, the balloon appeared deflated and explained, “As soon as I heard the first monotone uttering of the words ‘happy birthday,’ I up and bounced. I didn’t even stay to see the 10 year old boy blow out the gold candles on his Roblox birthday cake.”

Multiple reporters inquired as to why the popular version of the song bothers the balloon so much. Upon hearing this question, the party balloon, purchased from a Montana Family Dollar yet labeled by detractors a Communist China spy, became embittered and responded angrily, “Has no one of light complexion ever heard the Stevie Wonder version?!”

Derek lives in Canonsburg, Pennsylvania with his wife, daughter and washing machine spinning in the background.

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Ground meat sculptures really is the truest form of art. It’s a bold statement, but it’s true. There’s just something about the way that raw ground beef can be molded and shaped into a masterpiece that speaks to the deepest layers of soul. It’s like a blank canvas just waiting to be transformed into something beautiful (and delicious). And the best part is, you don’t need any fancy tools or expensive materials to make it happen – just some ground beef, a little bit of creativity, and your two hands. Scroll down to see the finest examples!

Stack V supports a web application that accepts regexes from users. For legacy reasons, the users must supply the surrounding / characters, as well. There was some validation to ensure that the inputs were correct, but QA discovered that invalid regular expressions were getting through.

They filed a bug, it got triaged, and then shipped off to a contractor to patch. This was the contractor’s solution:

    const isRegex = (string) => {
        try {
            
            return new Function(`
                "use strict";
                try {
                    new RegExp(${string});
                    return true;
                } catch (e) {
                    return false;
                }
            `)();
        } catch(e) {
            return false;
        }
    };

Here, we use string interpolation to generate some JavaScript code. It tries to construct a regex using our input string, and returns false if it doesn’t compile. We then execute that generated code using new Function, which just evals the string. And then, in true “just ship it” contractor fashion, they disable the warning that tells them this is a terrible idea.

The obvious problem here is one of code injection. But there’s another problem: it doesn’t meet the requirements. Because of some other WTF, the users need to supply /s. But the RegExp constructor also accepts strings, so 'this is my regex' would pass this validation, but would be considered invalid by the application.

This code got kicked back to the contractor, but the contractor claimed that they’d already spent their budget on the work so far, and needed a contract extension to do any more work. While management hashes that out, fixing this bug has moved in-house instead.

As the TV ad goes, if you’ve got a phone, you’ve got a lawyer. Donald Trump has a phone, but can only afford a public defender.

Having reportedly run out money to hire grossly expensive legal talent, ex-President Donald Trump has been assigned a public defender in his case involving former stripper Stormy Daniels.

The public defender, Johnny Cockatoo, 28, is regarded as an up-and-coming attorney after failing the law bar examination only three times before finally passing. His law professors called Cockatoo a student full of potential to defend down-and-out clients who can’t afford the hefty $200-$400 per hour legal fees that a typical attorney might charge.

Trump is said to have gone broke after paying a galaxy of attorney hundreds of millions of dollars in legal fees to represent him in numerous lawsuits filed against him. Some of these attorneys claim Trump ‘stiffed” them in never paying for their legal work.

Trump called that charge “BS, a gross lie.” If, for very good reasons, he didn’t pay the attorneys immediately, he would get around to it in good time, promised the former president.

“I’m the most honest, reputable person you’ll ever find anywhere. Ask my daughter Ivanka, ask my son-in-law Jared, they’ll vouch for me. Okay?” Trump said.

“By the way,” Trump added, “I’m not really broke despite what you hear from the fake lamestream media, okay? I still got tons of money. My people are just consolidating my portfolio for the time being, okay?”

For his part, Cockatoo says he’s nothing like the public defender that was comically portrayed in the film, My Cousin Vinny. That public defender’s shaky nerves and severe studder didn’t exactly help his defendant’s case after he was accused of murder. The public defender in the movie stutters through a line of ill-prepared questions that ends up helping the prosecution and that possibly could put his client in the electric chair.

Don’t compare him to that “stupid idiot” in the movie, said Cockatoo. In fact, Cockatoo added, he’s lost only a couple of cases in the last year, which wasn’t his fault. Cockatoo maintained the judge in one of those cases was prejudiced against him. The judge didn’t like long-haired men, like Cockatoo, who wore an ill-fitting suit, as did the lawyer in the movie featuring “Vinny” LaGuardia Gambini.

Cockatoo is a former B- student at a paralegal law school in Waycross, Georgia, after which it only took him 9 years to get his credentials to be a lawyer representing indigent criminal defendants.

Cockatoo said he had an issue with the My Cousin Vinny movie. He said it was cruel and unfair of the film directors to belittle public defenders as somehow the last resort to use in a court of law for those accused of crimes. It’s a fallacy, Cockatoo said indignantly, to portray public defenders as somehow less worthy than full-blown trial attorneys earning millions in legal fees.

“We may not be the richest people in the work, but we do this work because we believe in it,” said Cockatoo. “The truth is I’m a great lawyer, ask anybody and they’ll tell you that, okay?”

Cockatoo pointed out that the office of public defender deals with persistent underfunding that forces its lawyers to work long hours and represent numerous clients at far less money than they would at a private law firm. In essence, they are required to do more with less, causing their clients to suffer.

“But Mr. Trump need not worry,” said Cockatoo. “I’ll give it all I got. If he loses, he loses. Won’t be the end of the world. At least for me. But he’ll get my best. And that’s pretty darn good. Okay?”

Cockatoo will represent the ex-president in the case where Trump is accused of making hush money payments in 2016 to the adult film actress.

Specifically, the jury in this case will determine whether Trump and his company’s associates illegally falsified business records to cover up the payments, and whether Trump did so to conceal a second crime of making the payments himself.

Though not part of the trail, Daniels claims she and the former president had an extramarital affair.

Daniels reportedly received $130,000 from Trump, and in exchange, she agreed not to discuss her story with reporters. Trump maintains he did nothing wrong, and the charges should be dropped. In a social media post, he called the trial “a continuation of the greatest witch hunt of all time” and added, “NEVER HAD AN AFFAIR.”

Cockatoo said he’s already got a brilliant legal defense plan worked out for the ex-president, which he will reveal when the case goes to trial.

“I’m not at liberty to discuss my strategy, but rest assured, Mr. Trump will like it.”

And if he doesn’t, Cockatoo added, “he can always go try to find another lawyer. But good luck trying to find one better than me, okay?”

Eric Green has Donald Trump to thank for a number of his satirical articles. As long as The Donald is around, Eric will continue to have new material to write about him. Eric finds writing satire a welcome escape from the realities of life. When he’s not trying to be satirical, Eric has been a former newspaper reporter, ex-press aide to a U.S. Senator on Capitol Hill, and ex-writer in the federal government. He’s also the author of three mostly humorous books, the one he’s most proud of is called Temporary Insanity, Costa Rica, My Way. For fun, he practices playing Beatles songs on the piano.You can find more about him on LinkedIn.

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Dispatches from SNN (Slobovian News Network)

The president says we must nationalize all private income sources that are outperforming the IRS to fund the war effort.

This week, President Joe Biden made a two billion dollar military pledge to the war effort in Ukraine, and now realizes he needs to nationalize private income sources to pay for it.

According to SNN bankruptcy reporter Ayne Gottnoe Cashe, upon returning to the White House, the President realized that he had a financial problem. The US is already 33 trillion dollars in the hole, and there is trouble brewing between the US and its usual source of finance, China. Should the country go to war with China, the US could not get its customary loans from China’s Quong Bong Bank.

Faced with that possibility, the President stated that he would nationalize America’s greatest source of income… pop singer Taylor Swift.

According to Mr. Biden, Taylor Swift makes about a billion dollars a day from CD sales, downloads, royalties and licensing. Therefore, her income could fund the war in Ukraine, as well as our upcoming war with China. Mr. Biden said that he is also considering nationalizing Tom Brady, Lebron James, Aaron Judge and the Marvel Comics Empire.

SNN Words to Live By

“A man’s head has always been softer than a woman’s heart.” — Ward Cleaver (Hugh Beaumont), Leave It to Beaver TV series.

“You can’t polish a turd.” — John Bradshaw Layfield, Monday Night Raw TV show.

“Rules are made to be interpreted.” — Tank McNamara comic strip.

Ted holland attended college for four years. The year that he bothered to go to class he studied history. He majored in throwing quarters in the jukebox in the Student Union canteen and minored in a girl named Marsha. His books include This Day In African American Musicand B Western Actors Encyclopedia.

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Gates owns land in California where he can put his feet up and enjoy his wealth … but, alas, without his wife.

Since Melinda left town dragging her pre-nup behind her, Bill has been a little lonely. And he can’t call up his buddy Jeffery no more ‘cuz Jeff suddenly got suicidal in prison, and Ghislaine can’t get to a reliable phone where she can order Bill a new wife.

One of the guys Bill hires to watch his flocks of cows (herds? bunches? a murder?) by night and swears he saw Bill Gates fucking one of his own cows.

“Now, now, I didn’t say that,” said Steven Even, a former rancher and porn star from Reno. “I said it looked like Bill. But what’s that? A white guy in ugly glasses with a bad haircut? Hell, son, that’s half of Silicon Valley! Coulda been anybody! You better say ‘NOT’ in your headline, you sumbitch! Now git off Bill’s land!”

This reporter flew the coop (hut? shack? teepee?) and took his recordings and photos with him, which may someday be revealed so the people can make up their own minds as to whether or not that was Bill straddling the back end of a heifer or a bull – can’t see from the shot – but the pasty-arsed fucker had a smile on his face … and the cow chewed its cud, bored.

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