Rhonda Stoppe is the NO REGRETS WOMAN. With more than 30 years experience of helping women build no-regrets lives. I could have listened to Rhonda talk all night, is what women say about Rhonda’s enthusiastic, humorous, transparent teaching and zeal as an evangelist. She’s committed to fulfilling the Titus 2:4 commission by mentoring, teaching, and writing books that are inspiring, grounded in Scripture, and easy to read––like you’re visiting with a friend over coffee.
Rhonda is the author of 6 books and appears on numerous radio programs, including Focus on the Family, Family Life Today and Dr. James Dobson’s FamilyTalk, & hosts The No Regrets Hour. Her new podcast, Old Ladies Know Stuff, just launched. She’s an evangelist and speaker at women’s events, College Women’s Chapel, Pastor’s Wives Conferences, MOPs and Homeschool Conventions. Sharing the gospel at her NoRegretsWoman Conference is her sweet spot. Rhonda is a regular contributor for Crosswalk and many other magazines. Rhonda ministers alongside her husband Steve, who for 20 years has pastored First Baptist Church of Patterson, California. They live out their own Real Life Romance writing books and speaking at their No Regrets Marriage Conferences, but their favorite ministry is their family. They have four grown children and ten grandchildren. To learn more about Rhonda’s speaking topics, watch her teaching, and book Rhonda for your next event, visit: NoRegretsWoman.com.
Our lives are busy with work, kids, and other responsibilities. It is easy to become disconnected from our significant other amid all kinds of distractions. Some couples work opposite schedules, while others are distracted by taking the kids to ballet, football, and karate. Singles can fall into this trap, too, with their boyfriend or girlfriend. In a world of constant motion, it is easy to let relationships and connections get put on the back burner.
I have heard therapists on television and married couples I know stress how vital dating is. Especially when you are married. Having weekly or at least monthly dates with your spouse is important. This keeps the spark in your relationship and your marriage strong. Still, you may be thinking, “It’s been so long since we’ve been on a date, I wouldn’t know what we should do.” You may even say, “We go on a date every week, but it’s hard coming up with something different to do.” For the singles out there, this is for you too. Look at these date ideas and get your creative juices flowing.
Fun Date Ideas
1. Be a Kid Again
Spend some time doing something you loved as a kid. This could be anything from playing with play dough, finger painting, or making homemade slime.
Go for a bike ride or on a hike and enjoy what God created for us. Breathe in the fresh air, bask in the sunlight, and enjoy the sound of birds chirping and animals enjoying their habitat.
3. Dance the Night Away
Either go out dancing or take dancing lessons together. This is a great way to get some exercise and be exposed to all kinds of music and types of dancing. You can learn anything from how to waltz to salsa dancing to the tango.
Book a couple’s day for a massage, mani/pedi, or facial. It’s relaxing and important for both people to look and feel their best. Not comfortable going to a spa? Research services that will come to your home.
10. Get Out of Town
Spend the weekend away or travel to a new city a few hours out to explore. The change of scenery will do you good.
11. Ride in a Hot-Air Balloon
If you have the funds (and aren’t afraid of heights), go up in a hot-air balloon for a few hours. You can enjoy each other’s company while floating in the sky.
Make a playlist for each other and discuss the meaning of each song and how the lyrics remind you of each other.
13. Dessert Competition
Each of you make a dessert and decide who made the best one. You can decide by categories like most chocolate, creamiest, and melt in your mouth.
14. Bookathon
Chances are you and your significant other read very different genres in books. Take turns reading to each other out loud from your favorite books. You could also read poetry or a children’s book together to escape.
15. Pajama Party
Get comfy and spend all night watching movies or bingeing your favorite television series. Get snacks you wouldn’t normally have, like gourmet ice cream, pretzels, or high-end wine.
16. Listen to a Podcast
If each of you loves podcasts, choose an episode from one of each of your favorites and talk about it afterward.
Specific Interest Dates
17. Go to an Animal Shelter or Cat Cafe
Do you both love animals? Volunteer at an animal shelter on a Saturday afternoon or just look. Cat cafes are also popular; you pay a fee and can go in and visit with 15-20 cats of all ages. Another idea is volunteering with an animal rescue group in your local area.
Instead of going to the chain bookstores, research local, independent bookstores in your area. Used bookstores are great for finding hard-to-find or rare books. They have great sales too. For example, a used bookstore I used to go to would have sales where every book was a dollar on a Saturday. Talk about book-lover heaven!
19. Go to a Local Sports Game
Go to a local baseball, hockey, or football game.
20. Enjoy Some Music
Research and see if any local artists are having a concert in the area. You don’t have to go to a big-name show to enjoy some exceptional talent. Local artists often play in clubs, outside venues, and sometimes at wineries.
21. Go to a Candy Store or Ice Cream Parlor
If one or both of you have a sweet tooth, see if there is a local retro candy store or an old-fashioned ice cream parlor near you. In the town I used to live near, there was an old-fashioned candy store/ice cream parlor in the square downtown. Next door was a store that sold flavored popcorn and old-fashioned bottled sodas. Yum!
22. Escape Reality
Go to a VR (Virtual Reality) Lounge or an escape room and have some fun spending some time in another dimension, so to speak.
If food is your thing, take a cooking or baking class together. Even better, see if you can find a place where you can make x amount of meals to take home and freeze. There was a place in the next town over where I used to live. Learning how to cook and having dinner for the next few nights? Sounds like a winner to me.
24. Go to an Expo or Show
You can find expos for all kinds of things. They set an expo up in a building with vendors around specific things like pets, boating, fishing, etc. Another option is to see if there is an animal show going on. We used to go to the cat show in Peoria, Illinois, every year. We recently had an exotic pet expo that featured reptiles, guinea pigs, ferrets, rabbits, etc.
There are endless possibilities for dating ideas. Sometimes you have to be a little creative and innovative. The next time you go on a date, keep these ideas in mind or plan something specific according to your own interests. Your significant other will love it no matter what.
A fifth sign you are the narcissist in your relationship is if you have to always be right. (This is something that gets on my nerves with narcissists.) They never admit when they are wrong, and they always have to be right. It gets to the point that you have to just tell them they are right in order for them to stop complaining about the issue. If you have found that you always have to be right, you might be struggling with narcissism.
You don’t always have to be right. In fact, none of us are right all the time. Within our relationships, people around us will be able to help us grow and learn more. However, if we take the mindset that we are always right, we are going to cause much more harm in our relationships. It could even cause us to lose a relationship with someone close to us. Rather than allowing this to happen, recognize and accept that it is okay not to always be right because none of us are.
6. You Don’t Value the Other Person/People in Your Relationship
A sixth sign you are the narcissist in your relationship is if you don’t value the other person or people in your relationship. This can be seen by you not caring enough to return their calls, meet up with them, or try to fix a past hurt. The people in your relationships will see this and be able to tell that you don’t actually care about them. This can hurt them and cause them to distance themselves from you.
In order to change, you are going to have to start valuing the people you are in a relationship with. In the matter of your friendships, reach out to them, talk with them, and build a stronger relationship with them. As in the case of family members, talk about past memories, correct any past hurts, and strive to spend more time with them. For romantic relationships, show up for them, be there for them, and consider their own opinions concerning the relationship. People appreciate when you truly value them.
Guided by God’s love and wisdom, as Christian parents, we sow the seeds of faith, purity, and discernment in our adult children’s hearts, preparing them to embrace the beauty of dating life as a sacred journey where Christ remains at the center of every step, every decision, and every destined union.
As our children grow older, they begin to step into the exciting world of relationships, and as faithful parents, we want to equip them with the best guidance possible. In this crazy modern dating scene, it’s easy for our kids to get lost amidst the distractions of the world. That’s where we come in—as their anchors, pointing them toward Christ-centered dating.
Dating as a Christian isn’t just about finding a cute partner or having a good time (though those things can be part of it!). It’s about aligning our children’s hearts with God’s will and teaching them to seek relationships that reflect His love and grace.
One verse that really captures this idea is 2 Corinthians 6:14, “Be ye not unequally yoked together with unbelievers: for what fellowship hath righteousness with unrighteousness? And what communion has light with darkness?” This verse urges us to encourage our kids to seek partners who share their faith for a solid foundation rooted in Christ.
Dealing with the Challenges of Modern Dating Culture
It’s no secret that the world has taken dating and relationships to a whole new level. With the rise of technology and social media, our kids are exposed to a myriad of influences and expectations that can be overwhelming.
One of the biggest hurdles we face as Christian parents is the pressure to conform to societal norms. The world promotes a “hookup culture” that encourages casual and often meaningless relationships. But as believers, we know that God’s plan for relationships is so much more profound and purposeful.
In 1 John 2:15-16, we’re reminded, “Love not the world, nor the things that are in the world. If any man loves the world, the love of the Father is not in him. For all that is in the world—the lust of the flesh, the lust of the eyes, and the pride of life is not of the Father, but is of the world.” As we guide our children through the maze of modern dating, we must teach them to guard their hearts against worldly desires and stay rooted in Christ’s love.
The prevalence of online dating and dating apps adds another layer of complexity. While technology can be a tool for connection, it can also lead to superficial and sometimes unsafe encounters. As parents, we should encourage our children to be cautious and discerning when using these platforms, always remembering to seek God’s guidance.
Also, there’s the challenge of premarital intimacy. The world often views physical relationships as casual and unattached, but God’s design is for intimacy to be reserved for marriage. 1 Corinthians 6:18 tells us, “Flee fornication. Every sin that a man doeth is without the body, but he that commits fornication sinneth against his own body.” We must have open conversations with our children about the importance of purity and the long-term consequences of disregarding God’s plan.
Laying the Foundation: Instilling Christian Values
Laying the foundation for our children’s dating journey starts with instilling godly values that will guide them throughout life. As parents, we play a vital role in shaping their understanding of relationships and dating, and one of the key aspects is establishing open communication.
We must create an environment where our children feel comfortable discussing their thoughts, questions, and concerns about relationships. By keeping the lines of communication open, we can listen to their perspectives, address their doubts, and offer guidance without judgment. So, let’s be patient listeners and approachable confidants, ensuring that they know they can rely on us for honest and understanding conversations.
We should regularly share with our children the biblical principles of love, purity, and respect found in passages like Ephesians 5:25, “Husbands, love your wives, even as Christ also loved the church and gave himself for it,” which exemplifies the selfless and sacrificial love that should characterize relationships. Additionally, passages like 1 Timothy 4:12 teach them to “be thou an example of the believers, in word, in conversation, in charity, in spirit, in faith, in purity,” emphasizing the importance of purity and godly conduct in relationships. By grounding our teachings in God’s Word, we provide them with a solid framework for building healthy and God-honoring relationships.
As our children embark on their dating journey, we want them to understand that their relationship with God is the ultimate foundation. Encouraging them to cultivate a personal walk with God through prayer, reading the Bible, and participating in fellowship helps them develop a deeper understanding of God’s will for their lives. Psalm 37:4 reminds us, “Delight thyself also in the Lord: and he shall give thee the desires of thine heart.” When they prioritize their relationship with God, their desires align with His, leading to more purposeful and fulfilling dating experiences.
Setting Standards and Boundaries
As parents guiding our children through the intricacies of dating life, setting clear boundaries based on biblical principles is paramount. We must not shy away from discussing the importance of upholding God’s standards in their relationships. Proverbs 22:28 states, “Remove not the ancient landmark, which thy fathers have set,” reminding us to uphold the timeless values found in God’s Word as our foundation.
Defining dating boundaries begins with discussing the purpose of dating itself. It’s not merely a casual pastime but a journey with the potential for marriage in mind. By encouraging our children to approach dating with a purposeful mindset, they can navigate relationships more responsibly and intentionally.
We must teach our children to honor God by reserving physical intimacy for marriage and guarding their hearts and bodies against impurity.
As parents, we play a pivotal role in modeling healthy relationships for our children. Our own marriage serves as a powerful example of love, respect, and commitment.
Our actions and words should align with the biblical principles we teach. By demonstrating humility, forgiveness, and grace in our interactions with each other, we show our children the true essence of a Christ-centered relationship. They learn how to handle conflicts, extend forgiveness, and prioritize the well-being of their partners.
Discernment in Dating: Encouraging Wise Choices
When it comes to dating, one of the most critical aspects we can teach our children is discernment—the ability to see beyond the surface and evaluate the true character of a potential partner. Proverbs 31:30 reminds us, “Favor is deceitful, and beauty is vain; but a woman that feareth the LORD, she shall be praised.” Our children need to recognize that appearances can be deceiving and that true beauty lies in a heart that fears the Lord and embodies godly virtues.
By emphasizing the importance of character over appearance, we equip our children to look for qualities such as kindness, humility, honesty, and integrity in a partner. Proverbs 11:22 advises, “As a jewel of gold in a swine’s snout, so is a fair woman which is without discretion.” We want them to see the value of inner beauty and the importance of a partner who exemplifies godly wisdom and discretion.
Encouraging our children to seek partners with strong character can protect them from falling into superficial and potentially harmful relationships. Proverbs 22:24-25 cautions, “Make no friendship with an angry man; and with a furious man thou shalt not go: Lest thou learn his ways and get a snare to thy soul.” By teaching discernment, we empower our children to make wise choices in their dating lives, leading to more fulfilling and meaningful connections.
Also, as Christian parents, we know the significance of shared faith and spiritual compatibility in a relationship. 2 Corinthians 6:14 reminds us, “Be ye not unequally yoked together with unbelievers: for what fellowship hath righteousness with unrighteousness? and what communion hath light with darkness?” Encouraging our children to seek partners who share their faith ensures a strong foundation for a Christ-centered relationship.
We must explain that shared faith goes beyond attending the same church or having similar religious backgrounds. It involves having a deep and genuine relationship with God with shared values and a common commitment to following His Word. Amos 3:3 asks, “Can two walk together unless they are agreed upon?” By prioritizing shared faith, our children can avoid the potential conflicts and struggles that arise when values and beliefs don’t align.
In a world where secular influences may challenge their convictions, our children need to understand the importance of spiritual compatibility. Proverbs 27:17 encourages, “Iron sharpeneth iron; so a man sharpeneth the countenance of his friend.” When two individuals grow together in their faith, they can strengthen and support each other in their spiritual journey, deepening their bond with God and each other.
Encouraging Patience and Trust in God’s Timing
It is essential to encourage our children to exercise patience and trust in God’s perfect timing for their love lives. As Christian parents, we understand the significance of their surrendering their desires to God and embracing His plan for their romantic relationships.
Proverbs 3:5-6 implores us, “Trust in the Lord with all thine heart and lean not unto thine own understanding. In all thy ways acknowledge him, and he shall direct thy paths.” As parents, we must consistently remind our children to place their trust in God’s unfailing wisdom and sovereign plan for their love lives. Encouraging them to surrender their desires and fears to God allows them to release the burden of finding a partner on their own and instead rely on His guidance.
By trusting in God’s plan, our children can find comfort in knowing that He has a beautiful story unfolding for them, one that surpasses anything they could have planned for themselves. Reminding them of God’s faithfulness in the past and how He has guided their journey so far can strengthen their faith and resolve to patiently wait on His perfect timing.
Our children’s dating lives, when guided by God’s Word and empowered by prayer, become a beautiful dance orchestrated by the Creator Himself. Let’s equip them with the tools they need, offering support, wisdom, and love as they prepare for a Christ-centered marriage that glorifies God and blesses their lives.
Emmanuel Abimbola is a creative freelance writer, blogger, and web designer. He is a devout Christian with an uncompromising faith who hails from Ondo State in Nigeria, West Africa. As a lover of kids, Emmanuel runs a small elementary school in Arigidi, Nigeria.
A popular subject in the modern day within Christian culture is the topic of saving marriage at all costs. What this means is that many people believe you have to save your marriage — no matter what.
Whether your spouse is unfaithful to you, abuses you, or hurts you, you still must stay in your marriage and “save it.” As someone who grew up in a home where my parents had a bad relationship, sometimes the best thing to do is for the marriage to end rather than to stick it out.
Reasons for Divorce
Before anyone shames you for considering getting a divorce, know that divorce is biblical under certain circumstances. The first circumstance that it is permissible to get a divorce is if your spouse is unfaithful to you.
If they are unfaithful to you, you are under no obligation to remain married. It is true you can work through couples therapy and try to work to repair your relationship; however, leaving the marriage is also a biblical option.
The second circumstance that it is biblical to get a divorce is if your spouse abuses you physically, emotionally, or verbally. This goes against Paul’s teaching of marriage in Ephesians 5:22-33.
If your spouse is abusing you in any way, you are permitted to get a divorce and leave the marriage. Nowhere in the Bible are we told to save our marriage when it is beyond repair.
If your spouse has become abusive, you are under no obligation to stay. In fact, you need to get out as fast as possible because if they are physically abusive toward you, they could badly hurt you or cause you to go to the hospital.
Never feel it is unwarranted to leave your marriage in these circumstances. God doesn’t want you to stay in a relationship where you are being hurt in any shape or form. Marriage is a sacred covenant before God and both the man and woman made vows to love their spouse.
Your spouse is breaking their vow if they are unfaithful to you or abuse you. You are not required to stay or try to “save” your marriage when it is in this condition. Sometimes the bravest thing to do is to leave.
Identity in Christ
Oftentimes many people view they have lost their identity as a wife once they are divorced. While this can be a painful reality, they need to know that their worth is not tied together with being a wife.
Within Christian culture, it is often taught that a woman’s purpose is to get married and have a family. If she does this, she is “living within the will of God.”
This couldn’t be more inaccurate because single women who never get married and never have children can equally be living within the will of God.
Due to the unbiblical principles that have been placed upon women within Christian culture, women often feel they lose their identity once they are divorced, or they feel they will lose their identity as soon as they start thinking about divorce.
If you are worried about losing your entire identity if you don’t “save” your marriage, know that your worth and value don’t change based on whether or not you are married. If you are single, married, or divorced, your value never changes.
Moreover, your identity in Christ is your utmost identity — not your relationship identity. Nobody has a superior identity based on their relationship identity because the only identity that matters for eternity is our identity in Christ.
Marriage as an Idol
Sadly, many individuals treat marriage as an idol, and this can cause them to have even more difficulty stepping away from a marriage when things go bad.
This can cause the woman or man to continue to stick it out because they have turned marriage into an idol. The Bible is clear that we should not have any idols as this is idolatry.
The Prophet Jonah spoke these wise words as he was inside the belly of a huge fish, “Those who cling to worthless idols turn away from God’s love for them” (Jonah 2:8). As Jonah says in this verse, those who turn to idols are turning away from God’s love.
In the same way, many people turn away from God’s love for them because of their idol — marriage.
Although they could leave the marriage and experience the life of love God wants for them, they choose to stay in the marriage because it has become their idol, their utmost top priority, and the thing they want more than anything.
It is as though they are holding onto their marriage for dear life when it is only a bomb that could go off in their hands.
God wants to take away this bomb, but they won’t let Him because they have an infatuation for marriage — even to the point when it becomes detrimental to their own well-being.
If you are in a situation such as this, know that marriage does not need to be an idol in your life. Marriage is a beautiful thing; however, it is only beautiful if both the husband and wife are treating each other correctly.
What Does This Mean?
If your spouse has hurt you, abused you, or was unfaithful to you, know that there is great bravery and great freedom in leaving the marriage.
Christian culture might tell you otherwise, but we need to turn to the Bible rather than our friends at church who have been drenched in Christian culture since the time they were children.
What the Bible tells us is the most important, and what it says is that a person can get divorced if their spouse is unfaithful to them or abuses them in any way. The Bible also tells us that our identity is in Christ; therefore, if we leave our marriage, it does change our worth in God’s eyes.
Our biggest identity is found in the Lord, and this should be the identity we place above everything else. Never should we place marriage as being more important than God.
This leads us to the truth that we don’t need to idolize anything, including marriage. Christian culture idolizes marriage to an unhealthy level, which can make it difficult for spouses to leave marriages when things go wrong.
Don’t stay silent on these issues, and don’t try to stick it out. It is not good to claim that it is biblical to save the marriage at all costs.
For the Bible to say that you must save marriage at all costs, it would be saying that marriage is the most important thing in our lives, and it’s not.
The most important thing in our lives is our relationship with Jesus Christ. Our identity is found in Him, and salvation is found in no one else.
The Lord doesn’t want us to stay in unhealthy marriages because it will only cause us problems and impair our relationship with Him. He wants us to have an abundant life, and sometimes this might mean ending a marriage when your spouse is unfaithful to you or hurts you.
Never does God say you have to stay in these relationships, nor does He tell you to try to save your marriage. Your most important relationship is the relationship you have with God — not your spouse.
Vivian Bricker loves Jesus, studying the Word of God, and helping others in their walk with Christ. She has earned a Bachelor of Arts and Master’s degree in Christian Ministry with a deep academic emphasis in theology. Her favorite things to do are spending time with her family and friends, reading, and spending time outside. When she is not writing, she is embarking on other adventures.
This article originally appeared on Christianity.com. For more faith-building resources, visit Christianity.com.
Betrayal is something that is difficult for any of us to deal with. Often, it is those who are closest to us who betray us, and it can feel terrible. If you have been betrayed, you know the pain, hurt, and distrust that now has filled your heart.
It is hard to let go and move on after a betrayal, but if we don’t move past the betrayal, it will only hurt us. It is at times such as these when we need to know how to biblically deal with betrayal.
Being Betrayed
“Sometimes before it gets better, the darkness gets bigger. The person that you’d take a bullet for is behind the trigger” (“Miss Missing You,” Fall Out Boy).
Being betrayed hurts us, and it can permanently affect how we see the person who betrayed us. If you are reading this article, it is likely that you have been betrayed, and you want to know how to deal with it in a biblically correct way.
First, you need to recognize that all of your feelings and emotions are valid. All of the pain, hurt, and distrust you are feeling are valid. Never beat yourself up over feeling these emotions because they are normal emotions to feel after being betrayed by someone.
Being betrayed by someone close to you can also give you trust issues in the future, and it can significantly impact your relationships with others in the future.
After you have validated your feelings, turn to God in prayer. Tell Him how you are feeling after the betrayal, and ask Him to give you the peace that only He can provide. Jesus knows exactly what it is like to be betrayed.
The Lord was betrayed by Judas, who was one of His 12 disciples. Jesus knew Judas was going to betray Him, yet Jesus always treated Judas kindly. After Judas betrayed Jesus, we notice that Jesus doesn’t retaliate.
Since Jesus is God in the flesh, He could have done anything. He could have struck Judas dead at that moment or made him fall down in unbearable agony, but He didn’t.
In fact, never are we told that Jesus pronounces anything negative against Judas. Judas later feels remorse over what he has done, and he hangs himself (Matthew 27).
Just as Jesus didn’t try to “get even” or hurt Judas, neither should we. Instead, we need to repay cursing with blessing. Rather than trying to hurt the person who betrayed us, we should pray for them.
When praying for them, it is okay to tell God again about the pain they caused us, but we shouldn’t pray for anything negative to happen to them. God won’t answer prayers such as these.
We need to pray for them and ask God to help them not do these things again in the future. While they have permanently broken our trust, we should pray that they can build more lasting relationships with others by stopping the bad habit of betrayal.
Betrayal can tear down an entire relationship in a matter of minutes, and it is something that someone needs to stay away from throughout their life. Just as it is not good to be betrayed, we should never betray others.
Avoiding Betrayal
Part of being a good friend, partner, or spouse is not betraying those close to us. If a person betrays someone, their trust is broken, and that trust may never be repaired.
As a not-too-serious example, my grandma used to feel betrayed by her parents because they told her Santa Claus was real when she was little, only to be told when she was a bit older that he wasn’t real.
For many people, this might not seem like a big deal, but for my grandma, it was a huge deal. She felt betrayed by her parents because they had lied to her. Due to the betrayal that she felt, she never told my mom Santa was real in order not to betray her.
While this is a more lighthearted example of betrayal, there are more heavy examples of betrayal that could be shown. Betrayal in the sense that a friend broke your trust when you trusted them with something important or a partner betrays you by being unfaithful to you.
All of these things can break our trust and change our relationship with the person who betrayed us. This can be extremely devastating and traumatic because this person was someone close to us, someone we trusted, and someone we thought we could count on.
Even though being betrayed is something terrible and something I hope nobody would have to go through, we have to prepare ourselves in the event that betrayal will happen. If we get betrayed, we need to respond in a biblical manner by following Jesus’ example when Judas betrayed him.
Rather than seeking out revenge or getting even with Judas, the Lord turned the other cheek and trusted all judgment to the Father. In the same way, we need to forgive the person that betrayed us and not seek out any harm to them.
When we forgive them, it doesn’t mean what they did is okay. Rather, what it means is that we are giving the situation over to God. We are choosing not to allow the situation to eat us alive — we are choosing to trust God with the outcome.
It can be hard to do this; however, this is the first step to moving past the betrayal. If this step takes you some time, know that it is okay. It is okay to grieve and to take your time as you are recovering from the betrayal.
Your relationship with the person who betrayed you may never be repaired; however, you don’t have to spend your life hating the person. God doesn’t want us to hate anyone, including those who hurt us.
We are to love all people because this is what the Lord commands (John 15:12-13). You can love this person and still not like them for what they did to you. Choose to forgive and give the situation over to God. It does you no good to allow betrayal to ruin your entire life.
If you allow betrayal to fill your entire heart and soul, it will only consume you. It will take up your entire life, and you will never be able to move past the hurt. It is best to forgive and move forward in your life.
Granted, you may never have the same relationship with the person who betrayed you as you did before, but you don’t need to hold yourself back from making new friends or building new relationships.
What Does This Mean?
Staying in a state of betrayal will only lead you to depression and a state of mistrust for all people. The person who betrayed you broke your trust, but not everyone will do this. There will be people who value your trust and won’t break it with you.
If you are walking through a season of betrayal today, give it over to God. True healing cannot be found apart from giving it over to the Lord.
It can be hard, and it will be a long process, yet you can always count on God. As you heal and move forward, God will be walking beside you every step of the way (Psalm 23). Some days might be better than others but try your best to focus on the Lord in this season.
Vivian Bricker loves Jesus, studying the Word of God, and helping others in their walk with Christ. She has earned a Bachelor of Arts and Master’s degree in Christian Ministry with a deep academic emphasis in theology. Her favorite things to do are spending time with her family and friends, reading, and spending time outside. When she is not writing, she is embarking on other adventures.
This article originally appeared on Christianity.com. For more faith-building resources, visit Christianity.com.
Marriage problems are common in the modern day. Sadly, no marriage is perfect, which is why problems are bound to happen. Marriage is supposed to be a reflection of Jesus and the Church to the world, and this shows us how important marriage is in the eyes of God. With this in mind, it is important to know what the Bible says about marriage problems.
Many of our friends and family members might try to give us advice about marriage problems, but the best person to go to is God.
He knows all things, and since He created marriage, we can trust Him to give us the best advice. Even if you feel like your marriage is ending and you don’t want it to, God can give you hope.
Problems in Marriage
Ephesians 4:26 tells us, “In your anger do not sin: Do not let the sun go down while you are still angry.” While this can apply to any relationship, it can also apply to a marriage.
When a man and a woman are married, it is important that they do not go to sleep while still being upset with each other. This will only cause problems and strife within the marriage. Rather than allowing the sun to go down when you are angry, address the problem.
Communication is crucial in marriage because it is the only way you will be able to fully know your spouse. If things are going wrong and you have an argument, don’t remain angry. Even if it is late, talk about the issue with your spouse. Your spouse loves you and wants the best for you.
Never be afraid to share your feelings with your spouse — even the hard feelings, such as anger, frustration, or bitterness. God has made you and your spouse one from the moment of marriage, and you now have a responsibility to be there for each other even in times of anger.
Instead of going to sleep angry at your spouse, tell them your feelings. Once you have openly talked about the issue and why you are upset, you can work forward to a solution. Maybe you were angry because your spouse didn’t clean the dishes or take out the garbage.
Vocalize this concern to them. Maybe it’s a more major issue, such as you are afraid your spouse is cheating on you. Whatever the reason for your anger and frustration, talk about it with your spouse and work toward a solution.
You Are on the Same Team
As mentioned, from the time you are married to each other, you become one flesh (Genesis 2:24). Since you are now one flesh, each spouse should deeply care, cherish, and love each other. With this in mind, you need to remember that you and your spouse are on the same team.
The only one who is trying to upset your marriage is Satan. The enemy wants to destroy your marriage, but you don’t have to let him. Rather, be a team with your spouse and give the devil no opportunity to break into your marriage.
Marriage problems are going to happen because there is sin in the world. All of us are sinners, and we all fall short (Romans 3:23). Since we are all sinners, we can all be tempted at one point or another.
As either the wife or the husband, you can be tempted by a coworker, a website, or someone from your past. You are married to your spouse, and you must stay faithful to them.
When you made your vows, you made them before your spouse and God. These are weighty vows because they should never be broken.
The only times a marriage should end in divorce is because of sexual immorality or an abusive relationship. If the problems in your marriage are that your spouse cheated on you or they are abusing you, know that it is biblical to leave the relationship.
God doesn’t command you to stay in a relationship like this. Rather, He wants you to be loved, cherished, and feel cared for.
When you are having difficulties in your marriage, don’t forget you are on the same team. You have been made one flesh with your spouse, and you are forever bound to one another. Don’t allow arguments to cause rifts in your relationship.
Just as you forgive others in your life, you also have to learn to forgive your spouse. The Bible tells us we are to forgive others just as in Christ God forgave us (Ephesians 4:32). There will be times of difficulties and hardships because nobody says marriage is easy.
Marriage is a journey and an opportunity for growth. It’s not always going to be a walk in the park, just as no relationship is always easy. You work through the hard parts with your spouse in order for your relationship to grow stronger and for you to grow closer to your spouse.
The more you are able to work through your problems in a biblical way, the stronger your bond with your spouse will become. Your bond with God will also grow stronger because you will be leaning on Him.
Turning to God
This might sound basic; however, it is often overlooked. We must never forget to turn to God when we are having marriage problems. Marriage problems will happen in your relationship, but you can work through them.
Pray to God about them and pour your heart out to Him. He cares about all of your feelings, and He doesn’t want to see your marriage end. God created marriage, and He created it to be long-lasting.
Through turning to God, He will be able to give you comfort, direction, and guidance. As you turn to Him, don’t forget to read the Bible and hear what He is trying to tell you. Your marriage difficulty might be ongoing, but God wants to help you resolve the issue.
He doesn’t want you and your spouse to constantly be at odds with each other. God wants you and your spouse to love each other just as He loves the church. There shouldn’t be any bad feelings between the husband and the wife.
When you feel as though nothing is helping you get past your marriage difficulties, it is okay to seek out Christian marriage counseling. There is nothing wrong with seeking out help from a therapist.
A Christian therapist will be able to help you rebuild your relationship with your spouse and work through your issues.
With a Christian therapist, he or she will be able to involve God in the process as well when you are working through your marriage difficulties. Never be afraid to ask for professional help because we all need it sometimes.
You might be surprised as to how much marriage counseling could benefit your marriage. By being equipped with the Word of God, applying what it says, going to God in prayer, and seeking marriage counseling, you will be able to work through your issues.
This is of course including the fact that your spouse also wants to work on the issues. If your spouse has treated you poorly or hurt you, know that it is also okay to leave the relationship. Bring all of these matters before the Lord, and He will give you guidance and support.
Vivian Bricker loves Jesus, studying the Word of God, and helping others in their walk with Christ. She has earned a Bachelor of Arts and Master’s degree in Christian Ministry with a deep academic emphasis in theology. Her favorite things to do are spending time with her family and friends, reading, and spending time outside. When she is not writing, she is embarking on other adventures.
This article originally appeared on Christianity.com. For more faith-building resources, visit Christianity.com.
Some Bible versions simply say, “God hates divorce!” While other translations do a better job explaining what God was meaning. “‘The man who hates and divorces his wife,’ says the Lord, the God of Israel, ‘does violence to the one he should protect,’ says the Lord Almighty” (NIV; Emphasis mine).
God hates divorce is not the end of this divorce discussion. It doesn’t give us enough information or any context behind why God is saying this. And it certainly doesn’t tell us when it’s time for a person to divorce, so it should not be the only verse that is looked at when considering a divorce.
When a Christian is contemplating a divorce, what are we to do with such a message? Many times there is no clear answer about when you should stay married and when you should file for divorce.
But we can allow several other verses to show us the life God wants us to live, plus allow the Holy Spirit to guide us in making the right direction given our circumstances.
Biblical Reasons to Get a Divorce
Let’s get the obvious signs out of the way of adultery and/or abandonment. As stated in the verses below, these are times that have clear signs that it’s time for divorce–especially if a spouse refuses to come back and/or won’t leave the affair partner.
“But if the unbeliever leaves, let it be so. The brother or the sister is not bound in such circumstances; God has called us to live in peace.” –1 Corinthians 7:15
“But I tell you that anyone who divorces his wife, except for sexual immorality, makes her the victim of adultery, and anyone who marries a divorced woman commits adultery.” –Matthew 5:32
But…what if your situation doesn’t fit into these categories?
What if I’m not married to an unbelieving spouse who has abandoned me?
What if there has been no adultery?
What if the affair was years ago and church elders suggested forgiveness, grace, and mercy instead of talking about or allowing either party to think about divorce? Can I divorce, now, if I just can’t let go of that pain?
We are all fallible human beings with a heart that wants to see marriages survive. But sometimes, that’s just not possible.
Lives are messy. And our lives don’t fit into these nice little definitions of what to do when this or that happens.
Divorce has to be an option in other circumstances because not allowing divorce as an option, we keep a person trapped in an unsafe and abusive marriage. So let’s look into reasons that are still biblical, but just not laid out as cleary.
Physical abuse is another sign that most people would agree should be an option if the abuser refuses to get help for the abuse problem and stop the abusive behavior. But what about emotional abuse?
Emotional abuse is harder to spot than physical abuse, but is just as legitimate and harmful.
Here are some ways emotional or psychological abuse can manifest, which may mean it’s time for the couple to divorce. Here are 4 signs of emotional abuse in marriage.
1. Every Conversation Turns to Anger
If you feel like any conversation about change, about your feelings, or what would improve the marriage turns angry, rage-filled, and you walk away feeling to blame for even opening your mouth, you could be married to an emotionally immature person or an emotional abuser.
A counselor or coach who specializes in domestic abuse and abuse recovery or a domestic violence shelter can help you understand if you are in an abusive marriage.
Although marriage counseling might help you recognize this pattern, if all you’re learning in marriage counseling is how to not “set this person off” then it isn’t really helping.
This is not your doing; it’s not normal. Non-abusive people assert themselves and ask questions to understand another person’s perspective even during conflict. Your counselor or coach can help you find the words to set boundaries and invite your spouse into getting help for themselves to figure out why they often react angrily in conversations with you.
If they refuse, then you can work on figuring out your next steps, so you can live a life of peace.
“Do not make friends with a hot-tempered person, do not associate with one easily angered, or you may learn their ways and get yourself ensnared.” —Proverbs 22:24-25
2. Your Spouse Always Leaving You Feeling Confused and Blamed
Confusion is not from God; peace is (1 Corinthians 14:33). God wants us all to live a life of peace, not confusion and chaos all the time.
Peace and marriage go hand in hand; you can’t have one without the other. When there is so much confusion in your life about your marriage, the relationship you have with your spouse, and how you’re being treated, you don’t have a peaceful marriage.
Of course you’d be confused all of the time. Any normal person would be. One minute everything is fine and the next they’re exploding, rageful, and threatening a divorce because you asked them to take out the trash or to come to the table for dinner.
You can’t be expected to change someone else or lower your self-worth to fit into everything they need you to be. It might be time to consider your next steps.
Again, invite them into healing for their own life and then do what you need to do to live a peaceful life without all this stress and confusion.
“If it is possible, as far as it depends on you, live at peace with everyone.” –Romans 12:18
3. You’re Constantly Left Feeling Lonely, and Your Spouse Isolates Your Relationships
There are people in this world that are just not emotionally available to other people at their stage in life. Some may be able to have a great marriage because they understand this about themselves and allow the other person to find an emotional connection with other people.
But if your spouse expects you to be their everything but refuses to be emotionally available for you or worse forbids you from connecting with others for emotional support, then divorce might need to be considered.
This person is robbing you of the connection and emotional intimacy we all need. To be seen, heard, and understood.
Yes, we should get everything from God first and people second, but humans were created for emotional connection with other humans–physical intimacy is just not enough.
When it’s not safe to ask your spouse for quality time and emotional connection, you may need to get out to feel less alone in this world. Many divorced people feel more connection, more peace, and less alone after their divorce because of the lack of those things in their marriage.
4. You Feel Trapped and Utterly Helpless
I often get emails from ladies who tell me all the medications they are on just to stay married to their angry and controlling spouse. They ask what others should they try, what programs or therapy I’d suggest for them to go through, and prayers to pray, so they don’t have to divorce their unresponsive husbands.
That’s not what God intended marriage to look like! And you’re kids are watching.
(Side note: This also goes for both sexes. Also, needing medication for your mental health is one thing; needing it to “keep yourself sane” in a hostile environment is another).
Of course, there is nothing wrong with praying and having hope for change in another person. We know that God can do anything.
At the same time, we have to be realistic and set up our own lives in a healthy way. If change doesn’t happen what are the options?
How long do you wait? What if you’ve been married for 10 or 20 years, and every year is just another year like that last? After you’ve invited your spouse into healing and they reject that and blame you, separation and divorce should be the next option.
“When the sentence for a crime is not quickly carried out, people’s hearts are filled with schemes to do wrong.” –Ecclesiastes 8:11
I believe when we put too much hope in saving a marriage that is not salvageable it’s like watching someone in Hospice fighting for their life but not letting them go. Yes, we can hope and pray for a miracle but that doesn’t mean we keep them alive once they are gone. Marriages get to that point as well.
Many Christians might say there is always hope for a marriage to survive; it’s a promise “for life” as long as you’re both still breathing. But as was my case, sometimes it gets to the point that you’re beating a dead horse that was long dead.
I just couldn’t be the only one always doing the work on myself and the marriage, praying and hoping while walking on eggshells, and watching the cycles repeat over and over again. If I kept holding onto hope that something was going to change, that’s the definition of insanity right? It does drive you crazy to spend decades hoping for change when there has never been any and no responsibility has been taken.
Instead, I just continued to take the blame and sacrificing myself, even my walk with God, to save a dead marriage.
Now, for the most part, my life is peaceful; when I don’t have to speak to people who enjoy being angry, blaming me, and causing chaos without feeling guilty about it.
I can honestly say I’m thankful I let go and accepted the divorce option. I love a thriving life with God in the center.
Who Gets to Decide If You Divorce?
The decision to divorce is a personal decision. No one can make that decision for you unless your spouse is forcing it.
Seek help from educated people helpers like counselors, abuse experts, Christian mentors, and pastors, as long as they are not telling you exactly what you need to do.
They should help you make the best decision for your life and future.
God’s Grace for the Divorced
God cares for people; for souls. God wants all humans to live a life of peace.
He wants us to thrive, not merely survive or suffer. God hates what divorce does to the person who’s experiencing physical or emotional violence, the spouse who’s being cheated on, or the one who was abandoned by their partner. He hates that another human would put their spouse in this kind of position; instead of protecting them from that environment.
But when He sees His children suffering so deeply, He allows for divorce to protect that person from future harm.
“Do not take advantage of the widow or the fatherless. If you do and they cry out to me, I will certainly hear their cry. My anger will be aroused, and I will kill you with the sword; your wives will become widows and your children fatherless.” –Exodus 22:23
Related Resource: Listen to our FREE podcast, Reframed: The Power of Perspective. In each episode, Carley provides practical techniques for identifying and reframing negative thinking patterns. Listen to an episode below, and check out all of our episodes on LifeAudio.com.
Jen Grice is a divorce coach and author of the books, You Can Survive Divorce and Your Restoration Journeyabout recovery and redemption after divorce.After her own unwanted divorce in 2013, Jen started a ministry to encourage and empower Christian women to not only survive but thrive after divorce caused by adultery, abuse, or abandonment. You can learn more about her ministry at JenGrice.com. Jen can also be found on YouTube talking about preparing for and divorcing a narcissist. And her books can be found at B&N or on Amazon.
We all respond favorably to a word aptly spoken. Scripture, in fact, says these words are like “apples of gold in settings of silver.” (Proverbs 25: 11)
Most of us are, in fact, desperate for a kind word and a soft and gentle response. We have enough abrupt encounters during the day that a word, aptly spoken, is healing balm to a fragile psyche.
Throughout the day we interact with many people, sometimes careful to choose our words wisely and other times insensitive to the needs of others. When we are thoughtless, the result can be very damaging.
“My husband shoots from the hip,” Marcia told me during a recent Marriage Intensive. “When I have annoyed him, he lets me know it, in not so nice terms.”
“How do you respond?” I asked, curious about whether she set healthy boundaries or reacted in an unhealthy way herself.
“I usually say something I regret,” she said sadly. “I don’t like the person I’m becoming.”
“What do you mean?” I asked.
“I have always been one to be diplomatic, choosing my words carefully. I believe in holding my tongue and in being kind and compassionate. However, the last few years Vince and I have lost respect for each other. I’m ashamed of how I talk to him and certainly don’t like the way he talks to me.”
Vince and Marcia have slipped into some bad habits. Because “emotions are contagious,” Marcia speaks to Vince in a manner similar to how he has started talking to her. They will need to become much more mindful of these patterns before they have an even more detrimental impact.
Working with them as a couple, I taught them to become much more sensitive to how their words landed. I encouraged them to watch, look and listen to how their words impacted their mate and take responsibility for making positive changes.
Here are a few of the suggestions I gave to them, encouraging you to consider using them as well:
First, notice the impact of your words. You cannot change what you don’t see and accept. We all have “blind spots,” and it is up to us to become aware of our patterns and the impact of our words. Ask for feedback on how you speak to your mate and the impact of your words.
Second, take responsibility for helpful and hurtful words. Take responsibility for not only helpful words but hurtful words. No one makes you respond the way you do. You alone are responsible for choosing the words you do. Choose to lead the way in setting the emotional tone in your marriage.
Third, choose words that build up your mate. Words aptly spoken can have a powerful impact on the emotional tone in your marriage. You can have a profound impact on your mate’s self-esteem, not to mention the degree of love felt and expressed in your marriage.
Fourth, give honest feedback to your mate about their words. Again, we cannot change what we cannot see and own. We cannot read other’s minds and must give and receive honest feedback for change to occur. While it may be a bit threatening at first, practice giving honest feedback in a caring way. Create safety so that your mate can give honest feedback.
Finally, agree together to have your relationship filled with loving words. Make a commitment with your mate to fill your marriage with loving, kind words. Agree to use encouragement rather than criticism when asking for the changes you want. This is your marriage and you both are responsible for making it the marriage of your dreams.
Are you sharing words aptly spoken, or do you need to change how you and your mate speak to each other. I’d like to hear from you. Please read more about strategies for emotional growth and explore more about my Marriage Intensives at www.MarriageRecoveryCenter.com. Send comments to me at drdavid@marriagerecoverycenter.com
Dr. David B. Hawkins is the Director of The Marriage Recovery Center near Seattle, Washington where he lives with his wife, Christie. If you would like to learn more about his work, please go to his website, www.marriagerecoverycenter.com.
I bet you thought your husband preferred a quick sermon and then an exit for lunch. But I can’t tell you how many times I’ve heard men complain about lengthy singing and limited sermons. One man told me, “If they could do four less songs and give the pastor that extra time to teach, I’d be good.”
We all have different tastes, and yes, worship is important. But worship is not limited to music and song. The teaching of the Word is as much a part of worship as the songs, special music, and offering. If your church has a pastor who is a great expositor of the Word, your husband wants to hear him teach, not just taste hors d’oeuvres, but never get to the main meal. Encourage your husband to write it on his “attendance card” that he’d like to hear more of the Word and it may not only get him closer to liking church a little more, but it will be music to his pastor’s ears.
A hallmark of healthy relationships is a sense of mutuality. God designed each of us in his image, and we each reflect various aspects of his image. We need each other to experience more of God in our lives.
Relationships with narcissistic manipulation aren’t really relationships. There is a lack of respect and honor for each person as a uniquely and wonderfully designed creation of God. Holding a position of authority comes with a responsibility to serve well. A leader should be about the best interest of the people they serve and the group’s mission. Narcissistic leaders are about themselves above other people.
A lack of mutuality through narcissistic manipulation may look like; dominating conversations, demanding their way, making unilateral decisions that others must follow, ignoring feedback or helpful criticism, exploiting resources for personal gain, and shaming others. These are evidence of not valuing another person as the person God designed them to be.
9. Lack of Freedom
Another hallmark of honoring relationships is the freedom for individuals to manage their lives. I call this self-stewardship and soul stewardship, and it includes personal responsibility for your gifts, beliefs, thoughts, attitudes, and more. In narcissistic manipulation, a victim experiences denial, condemning, and dismissive encounters that fuel a sense that they cannot trust themselves. As a result, victims feel responsible for doing what others say, not responsible for developing who they are and making their own decisions about what to do.
10. Increased Fear of Doing Something Wrong or Bad
As we look at these warning signals, one thing to remember is that narcissistic traits are not about one-time events. This type of manipulation is experienced over time. Patterns reveal something beyond mistakes or poor judgment.
As the patterns continue, you may feel confused and unsure about what’s happening or why something feels off. You may also notice an increased fear that you will do something wrong or bad. You may fear the consequences for not saying or doing the things the manipulator expects you to do. You may also fear withheld affection, rejection, judgment, minimization of your position or personhood, blame, or angry reactions.
In Summary
Narcissistic manipulation occurs in Christian churches, homes, and relationships. Because many believers seek to do good for God, self-focused individuals who use concepts of God and goodness for personal gain cause others harm.
Reflecting on these signals may mean you notice patterns that have affected you. If so, I’m praying for you to find the resources you need for healing & recovery.
“I no longer call you servants, because a servant does not know his master’s business. Instead, I have called you friends, for everything that I learned from my Father I have made known to you.” John 15:15
My pillowcase was wet again from tears. Middle school felt harder than it should have been. If I did not have to go “get an education,” I would not step foot back into that hallway of seventh grade again. What would tomorrow hold? What would the girls whisper about me then? What part of my physical appearance or personality would get laughed at this time? If only someone would be a true friend.
Some of these girls had claimed to be my friends in years past, but all of a sudden, the tables turned. Even if they did not directly pick at me, their silence in the moments of humiliation spoke loud and clear to me. “God, thank you that You are my friend.” I would cry out to Him. “Jesus, even though no one is my true friend, thank You that You are.” I would beg, “Help me to have at least one good friend who loves you.”
I couldn’t understand all of the ins and outs of hormones, comparison, and competition back then. To this day I feel for the genuine struggles and difficulties young people face when it comes to bullying and mistreatment. They are just trying to get through their studies to get an education, and it can be so hard. Now, they have social media on top of it all.
Jesus Provides God-honoring Friendships
Two years after my prayers, God answered in full. Along came Avery. I met her in 9th grade. We couldn’t be more different. Avery loved reading, but I loved music. Avery was introverted, and I was extroverted. Avery loved soccer, but I loved cheerleading. However, the two of us realized that we shared that same Jesus and both had the same prayer request of a true friend years before meeting.
Fast-forward to 16 years later of friendship. We went through high school together, ended up choosing the same college and rooming together, were in each other’s weddings, and stay in touch regularly now while living on other ends of the country. We work at friendship like ours. We value the trust and the depth. We thank God for each other’s viewpoints and wisdom in our life struggles. We do not have to put on a show or perform; we are fully ourselves. We pray for one another and share in the good things and the hard things. We both learned early on that Jesus was the model friend, and by His grace, we would learn from Him and desire to live by His example in our friendship.
The truth is that I have not always been a perfect friend to others. I too have been the “mean girl,” the gossip, the bully, or the selfish one. However, what Jesus has taught me is that He is the true friend we are all seeking. People will fail us, and every friend we make on this earth will let us down at some point or another (and we will them). However, Christ never fails us. He taught me from a young age that He was the one I was looking for to fulfill my deepest desire for a true friend.
Navigating Adult Friendships
In adulthood, this looks different. No, we may not be going to school anymore, but clicks form around socio-economic groups, common interests, careers, parenting methods, fashion styles, and more. Maybe you have moved to a new town and are praying for just one good friend. God hears this. We can actively trust Him by praying and taking the kind of steps to be a good friend in hopes to build relationships with others that honor Christ and bless people around us.
Jesus could have easily put us on the level of servants. We are, in fact, His servants. However, He calls us friends. He has shared all of Himself and held nothing back from us. He is the real deal. There is no two-faced Jesus. There is nothing chameleon-like about Him. What you see is what you get. He tells the truth 100%. What a gift of a friend! He is trustworthy every time. He is fully loving and fully dependable.
In seasons when we feel as if no one is there for us, we can be reminded that we do, indeed, have the best friend anyone could ever want in life. Jesus is a friend to all believers. We can celebrate this today by praying to live by His Spirit to be a friend like Him.
Jesus, thank You for being our true friend. Thank You for loving us well. Please forgive us when we fall short as friends to You and others. Help us to identify ways that we can live by Your Spirit to be better friends to those around us. Give us eyes to seek out friendship with others like You have sought us. Help us to praise You for the sweet friendships that You have entrusted to us. Amen.
Emma Danzey’s mission in life stems from Ephesians 3:20-21, inspiring young women to embrace the extraordinary. One of her greatest joys is to journey with the Lord in His Scriptures. She is wife to Drew for over two years and mom to baby Graham. Drew and Emma serve with Upstate CRU college ministry in South Carolina. Emma is an avid writer for Salem Web Network and provides articles on the Bible, life questions, and on the Christian lifestyle. Her article on Interracial Marriage was the number 1 viewed article on Crosswalk for the year 2021. All the glory to the Lord! She had the joy of hosting Her Many Hats podcast where she explored the many roles that women play while serving One God. Most recently, Emma has released her first Bible Study Book, Wildflower: Blooming Through Singleness.
Emma enjoys singing/songwriting, fitness classes, trying new recipes, home makeover shows, and drinking tea! During her ministry career, Emma recorded two worship EP albums, founded and led Polished Conference Ministries, ran the Refined Magazine, and served in music education for early childhood. Emma also had the privilege of having been a national spokesperson for Mukti Mission based out of India. Mukti has been working to restore shattered lives in India for over 120 years. You can view her articles through her blog at emmadanzey.wordpress.comand check out her Bible Study videos on Instagram @Emmadanzey.
About a month ago, Ben and I got married under the bliss of sheltered trees and blazing sun. The day was magical and whimsical, the things they talk about in movies. But in the blink of an eye, almost an entire month has already passed and I’m in awe. One, at how quickly the time has passed, and two, what the Lord is teaching me through this process.
In a humble attempt, I’d like to say that I’m no expert on marriage or how my marriage in particular will turn out. I only know what I’ve lived for the last thirty days. That’s my experience, just as your own experience would be particular to you. But to those of you who just tied the knot like me, I want you to know three tips that I’ve found valuable over the last few weeks. In hopes that maybe they’ll help you, and in hopes that they will continue to grow and prosper within me.
1. Communication Is Everything
When Ben and I first started dating many years ago, my Grandma Memo always told me, “Communication is everything.” Glancing between her and my Papa, I knew she was right. They’d married as high school sweethearts, and if anyone could make it to 84 and look as young and in love as them, I’d better start taking my lessons now.
Growing up, my mom’s grandparents were my second set of parents. And though I’ve moved out and now live on my own, I still consider them with that high esteem. Not only do they exude wisdom and honor, but they truly illustrate the love, knowledge, experience, and faithfulness that Scripture writes about in Proverbs 16:31 (NLT): “Gray hair is a crown of glory; it is gained by living a godly life.”
But beyond the godly life and excellence, my grandparents illustrate, it’s the honor they give and serve one another with that inspires me the most. Because for them, “Communication is everything,” and they truly live that out.
During the last thirty days, I can say with ease that marriage has been both what I expected and what I didn’t. Although I’m sure scholars will argue I’m wading honeymoon phase waters, I’d like to think that after five years of dating, Ben and I aren’t crazy surprised by the challenges that have come our way.
By emphasizing the value of communication, both my husband and I know that our problems will have a significantly higher probability of being resolved. And as our marital counselor has noted, marriage is about navigating and living with all the conflict that often has no solution.
Communication in marriage, I’ve learned, is less about being right, and more about taking the time to listen. So, when Ben and I start to discuss or communicate something sticky, we each make it a priority to listen to hear, not listen to respond.
Proverbs 18:13 (NLT) supports this point well, noting it’s shameful to speak without really hearing first: “Spouting off before listening to the facts is both shameful and foolish.”
“Communication is everything” is valid not always because of what is said but because of what is heard. And if we strive to hear our spouse when they speak, rather than immediately correcting, trampling, rebuking, or ignoring their concerns, we will reap a far better reward. One that isn’t rooted in prideful ambitions of “being right,” but in what James 1:19 calls being “slow to speak,” and “quick to listen.”
2. Remember to Laugh
In the early stages of our dating relationship, Ben and I often struggled to have fun. Not because we weren’t capable or compatible, but because it was hard for two serious-about-life individuals to remember to let loose and have fun.
I wish I could say since marriage this wasn’t an issue for us, but if I’m honest, this is something we’ve continued to make a goal to improve continually. And Ecclesiastes 8:15-17 reminds me of this often: “So I recommend having fun, because there is nothing better for people in this world than to eat, drink, and enjoy life. That way they will experience some happiness along with all the hard work God gives them under the sun. In my search for wisdom and in my observation of people’s burdens here on earth, I discovered that there is ceaseless activity, day and night. I realized that no one can discover everything God is doing under the sun. Not even the wisest people discover everything, no matter what they claim” (Ecclesiastes 8:15-17, NLT).
As work-driven individuals, both Ben and I have struggled in different ways to “Lighten up, Lucy,” a phrase my mom used to tell me as a teenager, and quite frankly, still uses often. Psalm 127:2 always convicts me of this: “It is useless for you to work so hard from early morning until late at night, anxiously working for food to eat; for God gives rest to his loved ones” (Psalm 127:2, NLT).
Nevertheless, Ben and I have made strides toward living a more laughter-filled, joyous life. And not because it sounds good or fun, but because we know God wants us to enjoy this beautiful life He’s blessed us with. Not only enjoying one another but basking in the presence of this thing called life we’re called to live.
Laughter is good medicine for the soul. And while it won’t cure everything, it might just bring what you need to your marriage. Proverbs 17:22: “A cheerful heart is good medicine, but a broken spirit saps a person’s strength” (NLT).
3. Pray Through the Struggles
It would be naive for me to write this post without mentioning that your first month of marriage may include some bumps and hiccups along the way. Because the fact of the matter is, that’s honestly just reality. Getting used to living with a member of the opposite sex for the first time in your life can be overwhelming. Guys aren’t like girls, and girls aren’t like guys! And for me, this has probably been the biggest adjustment in my life.
But no matter what challenges have come our way, Ben and I have not only committed to communicating and laughing with each other and the Lord, but we’re committed to praying through the struggles as they come.
When Ben and I were in pre-engagement counseling, our awesome teachers told us to catch the little foxes and pray often. Song of Solomon 2:15 references this: “Catch all the foxes, those little foxes, before they ruin the vineyard of love, for the grapevines are blossoming” (NLT). The Passion Translation writes it this way: “You must catch the troubling foxes, those sly little foxes that hinder our relationship. For they raid our budding vineyard of love to ruin what I’ve planted within you. Will you catch them and remove them for me? We will do it together” (Song of Solomon 2:15).
The reason I love the reminder to pray and catch these little foxes isn’t because it’s cool or sounds like a good idea, but because they stem from biblical advice. And biblical advice is always right.
As Christians, we’re told to never stop praying (1 Thessalonians 5:17). This doesn’t end when we enter into a covenant called marriage. And it certainly doesn’t end when things like sickness and mental health come knocking on our doors.
Just a day after Ben and I got married, we got a taste of what it means to pray through the struggle. Through sickness and in health, Ben helped me through chronic pain and anxiety, and I helped him through OCD spurts and questions. It wasn’t always pretty but it was certainly always prayerful.
If I’m sure of anything from the past month, it’s that marriage doesn’t solve all our problems or take away our pain. In some ways, it exasperates it when we learn to hold not only our sufferings but also our spouse’s. But that also means we get to share in and hold their joys.
I still know relatively little about marriage. After all, I’m a married woman of almost thirty days! But I’m learning, growing, and praying through the process. And I hope you’ll join me.
Amber Ginter is a young adult writer that currently works as an English teacher in Chillicothe, Ohio, and has a passionate desire to impact the world for Jesus through her love for writing, aesthetics, health/fitness, and ministry. Amber seeks to proclaim her love for Christ and the Gospel through her writing, aesthetic worship arts, and volunteer roles. She is enrolled in the YWW Author Conservatory to become a full-time author and is a featured writer for Crosswalk,ibelieve, Salem Web Network, The Rebelution, Daughter of Delight, Kallos, Anchored Passion, No Small Life, and Darling Magazine. In the past, she’s also contributed to Called Christian Writers, Southern Ohio Today News, Ohio Christian University, and The Circleville Herald. Visit her website atamberginter.com.
Your husband typically values different things at different seasons of life. In his 20s and 30s, he may prioritize making money and advancing his career because he is in his prime “provider/achiever” mode. When he approaches his 40s and 50s, he may be more concerned about making his life count and not “wasting time” doing something that doesn’t matter in the long run. When he reaches his 60s, he may value slowing down to enjoy life or attempt ambitions or “bucket list” items now that he has more time.
Keep in mind, though, that even when his priorities shift with age, he’s still the same man you fell in love with and married. His priorities just change through the years, as do yours.
Cindi McMenamin is a national speaker and award-winning author of 16 books who has been married 30 years to her husband, Hugh, a pastor and introvert. Together, they co-authored the book, When Couples Walk Together: 31 Days to a Closer Connection. Cindi’s newest book, 12 Ways to Experience More with Your Husband, will help you experience more joy, passion, and communication in your marriage, no matter what your husband’s personality. For more on her resources to strengthen your walk with God, your marriage, or your parenting, see Cindi’s website: www.StrengthForTheSoul.com.
When I was a kid, my parents played favorites as to which child received more attention. My mother favored my sister, so there was a natural sibling rivalry as I fought to get my mom’s attention too. Because she was an only child, she overemphasized the need for fairness. Therefore, if my sister got something, she made sure I received it too. The problem was that as a one-income household, I often had to wait weeks to receive the same reward. This sent the message that I was second best. This caused friction between my sister and myself. Because she was the oldest, she held authority over me, but that didn’t mean we didn’t get into our share of arguments. Perhaps my sister and I would get along better now if there wasn’t so much sibling rivalry back then.
Now that I have kids of my own, history has repeated itself. Both my children have sibling rivalry against each other. They often get into competition about who gets better grades, who gets the most stuff, etc. This is one area I never balanced well as a parent. Because I had so much rivalry with my sister, I never learned how to navigate healthy sibling relationships. Human nature dictates there will be some level of competition within a family structure. It is natural for other siblings to be jealous if one sibling gets something over another sibling. This is especially true for people in the Bible. Joseph was favored by his father and received a beautiful multi-colored coat. This jealousy caused his brothers to sell him into slavery. There are other examples of rivalry within the Bible. It is our natural inclination to get envious when someone has something we don’t have. This is especially true if we view that special reward as a gesture of love. It can make us seem like we are less loved if we didn’t receive the same reward.
Jealousy Breeds Rivalry
God does not want us to live with a spirit of jealousy but rather one of contentment, knowing that God will supply all our needs as he sees fit. When someone receives a blessing, it is wrong of us to get jealous. Rather, it is best to rejoice with them when God lavishes his love on their family, career, health, etc.
But not all rivalry is bad. The healthy spirit of competition between two people who want what’s best can spur each other on to do incredible things. This is especially true when someone is working on something specific for the Lord. For example, a friend that is writing a book at the same time as me spurs me on to work hard and finish in a similar timeframe as my friend. This is not for me to get glory, but rather to finish an otherwise daunting task within a reasonable timeframe or even earlier. However, there are warning signs when rivalry is getting the best of people.
Toxic Rivalry
Here are some warning signs when sibling rivalry is getting bad:
If it ruins a relationship- When siblings part ways because they can’t be happy for the other person, the rivalry has gone too far. Jacob tricked Esau into giving him his blessing in exchange for a cup of soup. Jacob’s jealousy over Esau receiving the blessing that Jacob wanted caused him to deceive his father. It robbed Esau of his rightful blessing. Jacob and Esau’s relationship was severed forever because of that deceit.
If it causes them to sin- Similarly, God liked Abel’s offering and not Cain’s. Cain gave less than his best offering to God, while Abel gave all his best crop to God. When it was clear God recognized the difference, Cain’s jealousy overcame him, and he murdered his brother. When siblings are sinning against each other because they’re jealous of each other ‘s accomplishments, possessions, or popularity, the rivalry has gone too far. Life is too short to wish a sibling harm. Although there may be times when even a sibling’s toxicity must be dealt with by establishing firm boundaries, it’s never a good idea to cause sin to separate brothers or sisters.
If it causes unhealthy competition- It’s one thing to have healthy competition during a night of board games. It is quite another when every conversation is with each sibling trying to outdo the other. Families miss out on rich, meaningful conversations when topics are dictated by pride. While it is nice to rejoice as a family in each other ‘s successes, when the announcement is made to cause someone else to feel inferior while it makes the other person feel superior, it’s time to call the conflict quits.
In God’s Kingdom, there is no competition. Although it is easy to compare social media numbers and collect awards like they’re tokens, God pours his blessings out when and how he deems fit. It is not for us to decide but rather rejoice in each other ‘s successes. Although it is nice to have others rejoice with us when we succeed, sometimes the best success is to remain silent and allow God to give us his glory later.
If it causes division- COVID caused great division in our country. People fought over vaccinations, masks, or keeping churches open for public worship. It’s one thing to express an opinion or perspective, and it’s quite another to lose a friendship over it. Siblings do not need to be divided, but rather unified. This is especially true for Christian families. It does not give God honor when we become divided over petty things like possessions or popularity.
Although I did not grow up in a Christian home, I have had arguments over possessions with my sister. Although I wish it didn’t have to be that way, it is difficult to be in a relationship with someone who takes something that is rightfully yours. Although God asks us to live in peace with everyone, he also did not ask us to be a doormat. He expects us to speak the truth in love and consider our brothers and sisters in Christ our family rather than our blood relatives.
Each sibling is an individual. He or she must make his or her own decisions when it comes to health matters, political matters, etc. Although it may spark healthy debate at the dinner table, when the debate gets heated and people stop talking because of opposing viewpoints, the rivalry has gone too far.
God wants us to honor him by being unified. This includes siblings. Jesus said it best when he said “A prophet is not welcome in his hometown” (Mark 6:4). Families are sometimes the hardest people to get along with. Sibling rivalry has a lot to do with that. Strive to keep a relationship at peace rather than trying to be right in a relationship. It gives God glory and allows you to benefit from intimate connection with others because of it.
Michelle S. Lazurek is a multi-genre award-winning author, speaker, pastor’s wife, and mother. She is a literary agent for Wordwise Media Services and a certified writing coach. Her new children’s book Who God Wants Me to Be encourages girls to discover God’s plan for their careers. When not working, she enjoys sipping a Starbucks latte, collecting 80s memorabilia, and spending time with her family and her crazy dog. For more info, please visit her website www.michellelazurek.com.
In a few weeks, my husband and I will celebrate 32 years of marriage. It’s a milestone that neither of us takes for granted as we look back at the long journey that got us here. Like any couple, we went through financial hardships, medical emergencies, lack of communication, and a whole host of other things that could have derailed us, yet here we are decades later still blessed with a strong and healthy marriage.
There are a few reasons why my husband and I get along so well, and it’s my hope that by sharing some of them, you’ll be encouraged in your own marriage. The Bible says that nothing is impossible with Christ. After all, He is the Way, the Truth, and the Life, and when couples walk in His ways, marriage can become the beautiful union God intended.
Here are 3 reasons my husband and I get along so well:
1. We Let Things Go (Often!)
I can’t tell you how often I have an internal dialogue going on – a dialogue that says, should you speak up about this, or let it go? More often than not, the Holy Spirit prompts me to let it go and move on. This has been one of the best things for my marriage, and I encourage you to try it as well.
You see, I’ve learned (the hard way) that most things aren’t worth getting upset over. The socks on the floor, the un-rinsed dishes in the sink, or the empty gas tank aren’t issues that make or break a relationship. It’s okay to ask our spouses to take care of these things, but it’s not okay to let resentment build up over them.
Most of the time, the superficial issues we let bother us are deeper problems that need to be addressed. This can include unresolved anger, unfair blame, lack of communication, or a heart of unforgiveness.
Here are more practical examples of things we can let go of for the sake of peace:
Small annoyances: Again, the dishes piled on the counter and the toothpaste tube squeezed in the middle are annoyances, but they shouldn’t dictate how we get along with our spouses. Instead of nagging, we can choose to let it go and focus on more important matters.
Communication styles: Most couples have different ways of expressing their needs and concerns. My husband is very quiet, and I sometimes wish he would speak up. On the other hand, I tend to say things I later regret and have to keep a tight guard on my tongue. By recognizing our differences in communication styles, we’re able to offer one another grace and ultimately get along.
Personal quirks: It’s likely your spouse has certain quirks or habits that bother you, and you can be certain you have things that bother them. But once you realize they are harmless and refuse to let them impact your relationship, you’ll cultivate more peace.
When you let things go (often), you’ll be surprised at how much lighter the atmosphere becomes in your relationship. The thing is, letting go means letting go – not keeping a record of wrongs or harboring bitterness. Pray for God’s guidance in identifying things that truly need to be discussed and let the rest go.
2. We Enjoy Being Together
Finding something you enjoy doing together is one of the best ways to get along. Recently, my husband bought us kayaks. This was totally unexpected and out of the ordinary for us, but it has proven to be a fun outing we both enjoy. Who knew?
Spending quality time with your spouse doesn’t have to be elaborate or expensive; it can be as simple as taking a walk in the evening or dancing in the living room. Whatever it is you both enjoy, be intentional about making it happen. Focus on minimizing media time and finding tangible ways to get along.
Here are a few ideas to try:
Cooking together: Set aside a specific night every week to cook a new recipe or prepare a favorite meal together. This can be a fun and creative way to bring you closer as a couple, while also saving money.
Gardening: If you have a yard or even a small balcony, gardening can be a great way to spend time together. Get creative and plant a salad or herb garden. There are also hydroponic options for those who don’t have a lot of space.
Game night: Couples can have a blast playing cards or board games. This not only provides entertainment but also stimulates healthy competition and communication between partners. Turn off the TV once in a while and pull out the old Scrabble board.
Hiking or nature walks: Explore nearby trails or nature reserves by going for a leisurely walk. This is a great way to stay active, enjoy the outdoors, and have meaningful conversations. Spending time in God’s creation is always rewarding, and enjoying nature together will only enhance your relationship.
When you truly enjoy your spouse, you’ll find that common issues are far easier to navigate. Don’t let different preferences build a wedge between you. Find something you enjoy doing together and be intentional to make it happen.
3. We Live by Two Rules
It wasn’t long after we were married that my husband and I decided we wanted to live by a 2-rule marriage. These “rules” come from the Bible and have proven to be the single-most important reason we get along so well.
Rule #1: My husband purposes to love me as Christ loves the church. Ephesians 5:25 says it this way: “Husbands, love your wives, just as Christ loved the church and gave himself up for her.”
Rule #2: I purpose to submit to my husband as to the Lord. Ephesians 5:22 says, “Wives, submit yourselves to your own husbands as you do to the Lord.”
Ultimately, we both try to live according to Ephesians 5:21 which says, “Submit to one another out of reverence for Christ.” By doing this, we find ourselves agreeing with one another far more than disagreeing. With God’s help, we’re able to set aside selfish desires and seek the interests of one another. Of course, we don’t live out these Scriptures perfectly, but we do live them out intentionally.
My prayer is that you’ve been encouraged by this post – so much so – you’ll plan a date night with your spouse to discuss ways to put some (or all) of these things into practice. Marriage isn’t always easy, but with God’s help and a bit of intentionality, you can get along and enjoy marriage the way God intended.
A Prayer to Get Along in Marriage
Father, we invite Your Holy Spirit to be at the center of our marriage. Help us rely on You for wisdom, strength, and discernment in every decision we make. Guide our steps, align our desires, and bring unity to our thoughts, dreams, and ambitions.
Lord, we ask that You fill our home with an atmosphere of love, joy, and peace. May our friends and family witness the transformation that Your presence brings to our relationship. Let our marriage be a testimony of Your faithfulness, grace, and mercy, shining a light for others to see.
Thank you, Lord, for the beauty of Your design for marriage. May our union be a reflection of Christ’s love for the Church, selfless and sacrificial. Help us to serve each other with humility, lifting each other’s burdens, and seeking the best interests of our spouse above our own.
We surrender our marriage into Your hands. Help us continually seek Your will and submit to Your guidance. Empower us to persevere through the challenges and celebrate the joys together, knowing that we are stronger when we are united. In Jesus’ name, we pray, amen.
Jennifer Waddle is the author of several books, including Prayer WORRIER: Turning Every Worry into Powerful Prayer, and is a regular contributor for LifeWay, Crosswalk, Abide, and Christians Care International. Jennifer’s online ministry is EncouragementMama.com where you can find her books and sign up for her weekly post, Discouragement Doesn’t Win. She resides with her family near the foothills of the Rocky Mountains—her favorite place on earth.
In a quick Google search, it’s estimated that only about 18% of people save their first kiss for marriage. Concluding the number of weird looks Ben and I received leading up to our marriage, I suspect that number is even lower. As a teenager, I never went on a date. Partially because no one ever asked me out. Partly because I probably wasn’t ready, and the Lord knew best. I always prayed to date and marry one person. When Ben and I met, we weren’t a “love at first glance” couple. He loved Information Technology and video games. I loved to dance and all things aesthetic. He could be seen on the embarrassingly funny and nerdy ads for the college help desk, while I could run the trails and recruit dancers for my team. Before Ben knew what hit him, he was my dance partner. And before I knew what hit me, I was going on my first date with a guy I never thought about dating but whom I would eventually marry.
Five years later, on July 3rd, 2023, Ben and I got married. And on that day, we had our very first kiss. I think the people in the crowd were more anxious and excited than us at that moment! Nevertheless, saving that part of ourselves and the rest of our bodies was worth it, and I would love to share with you three benefits or reasons why.
1. Saving your first kiss until marriage allows you to focus on friendship.
Flashback to 2017. The month was August, and the foyer of Ohio Christian University grew humid. Attempting to recruit dancers for my dance team, a friend I’d met the year before brought Ben to my table. “Are you interested in joining Movements From the Heart?” I asked confidently. His gaze barely met my vision. But before I could say anymore, he was gone. “That’s just Ben,” my friend consoled. He can be a bit shy. That’s okay, I thought. “You can meet him later,” she offered, filling the empty and awkward spaces with her voice. Less than a year later, I searched the university for mission trip companions. I never imagined meeting Ben yet again, but here I was, asking, “Have we met before? Aren’t you the guy who ran away from my dance table?” In the blink of an eye, Ben and I clicked. I’d surrendered my desire to be in a relationship with God, and Ben wasn’t looking for anything now. We’re safe, I thought. Little did I realize God was in control.
Flash forward to July 2018. Ben and I had been “talking” for a month, and by “talking,” I mean sending books of texts to each other every day. I’d never been pursued before, but I knew something about this was right. We decided to date but broke up in September because we couldn’t get along. On paper, he was the perfect match. I didn’t understand and was devastated. I even wrote a journal entry telling God I was sorry for praying to meet and marry one man and save my first kiss until marriage because it was stupid. But dear reader, please know that’s not true if this is you. It’s not impossible, and those dreams certainly aren’t stupid. God hears you, and they can come true.
Over the next few months, Ben and I remained in touch. He was in my dance group, but more than that, we began to foster friendship. Something we both missed the first time around. And as the laughter grew, so did the chemistry. By December 2018, we knew it was time to define the relationship and began dating again. Because Ben and I decided to save our first kiss until marriage, it helped us continually focus on our relationship’s friendship. While yes, there were many, many, many times we wanted to break that rule, holding off forced us to focus on what we would need every day for the rest of our lives: friendship. And that’s something we still believe to this day was worth it.
2. Saving your first kiss until marriage builds self-control and respect.
I want to congratulate you if you’ve decided to save your first kiss until marriage, like Ben and I. It’s such a beautiful and God-honoring thing to do. However, I do want to note that it’s certainly not necessary. And certainly not easy. Many friends have kissed before marriage, and God loves them the same. Kissing before marriage isn’t a sin (unless it leads you into other things I’ll address in point 3) and can be fine for some couples. For Ben and I, however, saving our first kiss helped us to build respect and self-control for a lifetime. Because Ben and I had different struggles mentally and physically going into dating, we wanted to be attentive to one another’s needs. Removing physical expectations like kissing or having heated make-out sessions allowed us to exercise the fruits of the spirit and deeply love one another, not lust or infatuation, but in love.
It’s noted the honeymoon phase of dating lasts about a year, and then things start to go downhill. But I’m here to tell you that after five years of dating, though Ben and I had our mountains and valleys, not mixing any form of sexual intimacy helped us to know one another truly. If you asked Ben or me about our favorite thing to do together while dating, we would both tell you talking and hanging out. Because when you’re not making out for hours, you’re usually talking or hanging out (come on, you know I’m right). And that is certainly what arrives with marriage. Being transparent and open with my husband has only benefitted us on this new road we’re walking. And the same has gone for him. Not kissing until marriage allowed Ben and me time to learn and focus on each other. From behaviors to struggles and likes and dislikes, we became informed in various ways.
Suppose you’re going to wait until marriage. In that case, we recommend reading books like The Great Sex Rescue, Not Yet Married, The Mingling of Souls, and Getting Ready for Marriage and participating in pre-engagement counseling. Diving into deep questions before engagement or marriage will especially help in the challenging days to come.
3. Saving your first kiss until marriage can help reduce sexual temptation.
The third benefit of saving your first kiss until marriage may seem obvious, but I still felt it was important to mention. As Christians, Ben and I both knew we wanted to save intimacy for marriage, not just because it sounded good but because we knew it was what God commanded of us. While God doesn’t condemn kissing before marriage, he does note sex is reserved for marriage. Unfortunately, whether we’d like to acknowledge it or not, kissing can open the gates to sexual intimacy—even for the best Christians. Of course, those around us didn’t understand. We were called petty, immature, stupid, and guaranteed to have a horrible wedding night (as if that was their business anyways).
While our first official kiss in front of the people at our wedding wasn’t magical and didn’t include fireworks, those first few kisses are memories I will hold in my heart for the rest of my life. Not because they were perfect or the most romantic thing in the world, but because they represented something special we could share together and honor God through. Saving your first kiss until marriage doesn’t make you a saint or a better Christian than anyone else. It also doesn’t mean you won’t still struggle with the same desires and temptations that those who kiss do. But if I could offer you one closing thought, it would be this: Saving your first kiss until marriage is a bittersweet gift. Sweet because it’s sacred, bitter because once it’s gone, it’s gone. You’ll never be able to replicate that moment again. But at the end of the day, it’ll be worth it.
Amber Ginter is a young adult writer that currently works as an English teacher in Chillicothe, Ohio, and has a passionate desire to impact the world for Jesus through her love for writing, aesthetics, health/fitness, and ministry. Amber seeks to proclaim her love for Christ and the Gospel through her writing, aesthetic worship arts, and volunteer roles. She is enrolled in the YWW Author Conservatory to become a full-time author and is a featured writer for Crosswalk,ibelieve, Salem Web Network, The Rebelution, Daughter of Delight, Kallos, Anchored Passion, No Small Life, and Darling Magazine. In the past, she’s also contributed to Called Christian Writers, Southern Ohio Today News, Ohio Christian University, and The Circleville Herald. Visit her website atamberginter.com.
If I have learned anything over the years, we need each other. We all need friends. Whether you have fifty, ten, or two friends, you know how much those relationships mean to you. Friendship is celebrated in Scripture. Proverbs 27:9 says,
My friendships mean the world to me, and as I’ve gotten older, I’ve noticed that although I don’t have as many “friends” as I did in my younger years, my friendships are even stronger. As life changes and shifts in different directions, it can be hard to stay as close to someone as you’d like or thought you’d be able to. It takes mutual care and consistency for friendships to last through many seasons, and it’s also hard to make new friends as life shifts you into new locations, seasons of life, and workplaces. I’m part of a generation that has seen the world both with and without social media. And while it has been fun to stay connected to people I have gone through seasons of life with, the truth is, without social media, many of those friendships would have naturally dissolved already.
I have always felt there are essentially three categories for different levels of friendships: moment, seasonal, and core. Moment friends are the ones that stick for a moment in your life. Seasonal friends walk through life seasons with you: work friends, college buddies, or small group friendships. Core friends are, in my opinion, lifers. These may be considered best friends, where you both work hard to keep the friendship running whether you see each other often or not. So, what happens when you have to move, start a new job, or join a new church? How do you find new friends as lift shifts all around you? I have a few ideas…
Look Around You
2019 to 2020 were two of the hardest and most challenging years I’ve experienced. Not only did we all go through the pandemic in 2020, but before the end of 2019, I found out my job of 11 years was coming to an end. This meant a change in my workplace, the patient population I worked with, my co-workers, and, ultimately, where I lived. I was nervous as I changed jobs in 2019 and settled into a new home in February 2020. I relied on my core friends for prayer, talks, and advice. I knew my world was changing, and while God prepared me mentally and spiritually, it was a really hard process, the difference in my surroundings during such a short timeframe.
Because of this change, old work friendships shifted, and some new work friendships grew. It takes a while to feel a groove, and I was so grateful to have made a few friendships in that timeframe for help, support, and guidance in the new workplace. Since 2020’s ending, and through a series of Godwinks, I actually changed my job setting again, which opened the doors for me to work back in an area close to my heart and develop even more friendships. Have you recently moved and are now trying to find a new friend where you work or go to church? Remember not to put so much pressure on friendships since we know different categories of friends exist. Sometimes God puts people on your path for a short amount of time and other times, it’s years on end. Remember, you are placed in settings for a reason. Look around you to see what and who God may want to impact through your presence in that place.
Reach Out to Someone
Keeping friendships going is a two-way street. It’s really hard, especially as you age, to stay in close relationships with all of your friends. It also feels that people have less initiative to hang out or reach out than ever before, especially since the pandemic. Giving grace to people should always be our first step but also take inventory of your interactions and history to see if that friendship may have run its course or if it just needs a little more attention.
I like to think about what I would want in a friend if I were going through a new season of life. Putting yourself in someone else’s shoes can really help you to take a deep breath and not take friendship changes too personally. If a cherished friendship changes, reach out to find someone in your current season of life. The last time I moved, I attended community group events held through my church to meet people. I had to reach out, sign up, and go to an event filled with potential strangers that shared my faith to open the door for me to make more friends. If you want a friend to ask you to hang out, reach out to them. If you want to go to a certain place or do an activity, reach out to someone you think shares your same interests. I love being invited to activities by friends, but I have also found it fun to be the initiator. Being the friend you want will always put you in the best potential possible to make true friends. You might be the new friend they have prayed for.
Volunteer
I have met some of my favorite friends at a volunteering activity. I met one of my best friends of the past 20+ years while we volunteered at a college function and found out how much we had in common. Volunteering your time to serve others at church or in your community will put you in circles with people who share your values and beliefs. Friendships thrive when you have more in common. As life shifts around you, remain open to discovering new interests: running groups, knitting circles, the greeting team, or children’s ministry at your church. I have loved serving at churches I’ve attended over the years. The people I grow closest with usually serve next to me. If you’re single, like me, and want to meet more people at single’s events, you could volunteer to check people in and put names on familiar faces. Or, if you are new to a church, you could volunteer on the greeting team, which could put you in a location to see and meet more of the people who attend!
So, as life shifts, remember finding new friends is all about being open, trying new things, looking around, and thinking of others more than ourselves. Don’t be afraid to feel lonely. Use it to grow your ability to empathize, reach out, and love others. Loving others is our calling as Christians, after all:
“…Love one another. As I have loved you, so you must love one another. By this everyone will know that you are my disciples if you love one another.” (John 13:34-35 NIV)
For in the realm of godly friendships, hearts are united by a common devotion to the Almighty, fostering love, accountability, and mutual support so that together, you may withstand the trials of life and shine as beacons of divine fellowship.
It is essential for us, as followers of Christ, to cultivate friendships that are deeply rooted in faith. Faith-based friendships are more than just casual acquaintances or mere social connections. They go beyond shared interests or similar backgrounds. These friendships are grounded in a shared belief in the power of God’s love, the teachings of Jesus Christ, and the evidence of the Holy Spirit in our lives. In the book of Proverbs 27:17, it is written,
Christ-based friendships provide an environment where we can grow and mature spiritually. They offer opportunities for mutual encouragement, accountability, and the gentle challenge to become more Christlike in our attitudes, words, and actions. Faith is the bedrock of these relationships, giving them a firm foundation. This shared faith becomes the glue that binds us together, creating a bond that transcends worldly concerns and temporal interests. In the book ofEcclesiastes 4:9–10, it is written,
“ Two people are better off than one, for they can help each other succeed. If one person falls, the other can reach out and help. But someone who falls alone is in real trouble.”
Godly friendships provide a support system rooted in the love of Christ. In times of joy, these friends celebrate with you; in times of sorrow, they walk alongside us, offering comfort and solace. They uplift us when we stumble and help us find our footing when we are lost.
The importance of Godliness in building these meaningful relationships cannot be overstated. It instills in us a sense of purpose and direction. It shapes our values, attitudes, and perspectives, providing a shared framework for understanding the world and our place in it. When friendships are rooted in faith, we find ourselves united by a common vision and a shared commitment to living out our faith in tangible ways.
Christians are called to be ambassadors of Christ’s love, grace, and truth. Faith-based friendships offer us a platform to manifest these qualities in our relationships. By nurturing these friendships, we create spaces where genuine love, compassion, forgiveness, and understanding can flourish. We become conduits of God’s love, reaching out to others and reflecting His goodness in our interactions.
What Godly Friendships Entail
As Christians, we are called to surround ourselves with friends who reflect Christ’s love and embody the principles of the Word of God. Let us delve into the critical aspects of these Godly friendships and discover the blessings they bring.
Shared beliefs and values as the foundation: In the book of Amos 3:3, it is written, “Can two people walk together without agreeing on the direction?” (NLT) Godly friendships are built on a solid foundation of shared beliefs and values. When we find friends who are united with us in faith, who share a similar understanding of Scripture, and who strive to live according to God’s Word, we experience a deep bond that strengthens and encourages us. These shared beliefs and values provide a framework for mutual trust, integrity, and accountability in our friendship.
Godly friendships involve companionship with individuals who share our passions, dreams, and aspirations. When we have friends who share our purpose of glorifying God in all areas of life, we can spur one another on toward righteousness and strive together to fulfill God’s calling on our lives. In Romans 12:15, we are exhorted to:
“Be happy with those who are happy, and weep with those who weep.”(NLT)
Godly friendships provide a safe and supportive environment where we can share our joys and sorrows without fear of judgment or rejection. These friendships offer understanding and empathy, allowing us to be vulnerable and authentic with one another. They provide shoulders to lean on, ears to listen to, and hearts to care for. Our friends cheer us on in times of celebration, and in times of distress, they offer comfort, encouragement, and prayers. Hebrews 10:24 encourages us to
“Let us think of ways to motivate one another to acts of love and good works.” NLT
Godly friendships play a crucial role in our spiritual growth. They provide opportunities for mutual edification where we can share insights, testimonies, and experiences that inspire and challenge one another in our walk with Christ. These friendships help us grow in wisdom, knowledge, and understanding of God’s Word as we discuss and study together, holding each other accountable for living out the teachings of Christ. 1 Peter 4:8 reminds us,
“Most important of all, continue to show deep love for each other, for love covers a multitude of sins.” NLT
A godly friendship is marked by a deep, sacrificial love that reflects the love of Christ. In these friendships, we extend grace, forgive one another, and offer second chances. We recognize that we are all imperfect and in need of God’s mercy.
Building Godly Friendships
Regularly attending religious services opens doors for us to connect with fellow believers. By participating in worship and hearing the Word of God together, we create a sense of unity and shared purpose. Within these gatherings, we can meet like-minded individuals who share our devotion to God and desire to grow in faith. Therefore, we must seize opportunities to engage in conversations, extend warm greetings, and express genuine interest in others. By doing so, we pave the way for meaningful connections and potential godly friendships.
Small groups or study circles of believers offer an intimate setting for deeper connections. These gatherings often focus on specific topics or areas of interest, such as Bible studies, prayer groups, or discipleship programs. By actively participating in these groups, we engage in conversations centered around our faith, share personal insights, and learn from one another’s experiences. Such groups provide a supportive environment where friendships can flourish as we journey together in spiritual growth.
Deepening Faith-Based Friendships
Consistent communication is vital for deepening faith-based friendships. Regularly engaging in meaningful conversations through phone calls, texts, video chats, or in-person meetings helps maintain a strong bond. We should strive to discuss our spiritual journeys, share insights from Scripture, and encourage one another in our walk with Christ. By prioritizing communication, we foster trust, understanding, and vulnerability within our circle of friends.
In addition to consistent communication, regular check-ins and reflection enhance the depth of our faith-based friendships. Taking time to ask meaningful questions, such as “How is your spiritual life?” or “What has God been teaching you lately?” demonstrates our genuine interest in one another’s spiritual well-being. It also allows us to reflect on our spiritual growth, encouraging accountability and inspiring each other to seek a deeper relationship with God.
Prayer is a powerful tool for strengthening faith-based friendships. Therefore, setting aside time to pray together, whether in person or virtually, enables us to lift one another in prayer, share burdens, and intercede on behalf of each other’s needs. Also, sharing spiritual practices, such as devotional readings, Bible studies, or worship sessions, allows us to grow closer to God and each other, fostering a deeper spiritual connection among our friends.
Believers’ retreats and workshops offer valuable opportunities to deepen faith-based friendships. These events provide dedicated time for reflection, worship, and learning in a communal setting. By attending such gatherings together, we create shared experiences, gain fresh insights, and encourage one another in our spiritual journeys. The retreat or workshop environment fosters a deeper level of connection and provides a space for renewal, divine encounters, and transformation.
Serving others together also strengthens the fabric of our faith-based friendships. Engaging in service projects within our faith communities or the broader community allows us to live out our faith in action. We embody Christ’s love and compassion by working side by side to help those in need. These shared experiences deepen our friendships and create lasting memories of serving together for the sake of God’s kingdom.
May the Holy Spirit guide us as we deepen our faith-based friendships, bringing glory to God and drawing us closer to one another in love and faith.
Emmanuel Abimbola is a creative freelance writer, blogger, and web designer. He is a devout Christian with an uncompromising faith who hails from Ondo State in Nigeria, West Africa. As a lover of kids, Emmanuel runs a small elementary school in Arigidi, Nigeria.
The world likes to promote the idea that living together before the covenant of marriage occurs is smart. Wise, even. After all, our culture suggests taking a “test drive” before “purchasing”—which, in my opinion, is an incredibly unflattering and crude way to reference God’s gift of intimacy between a husband and wife.
But what if you aren’t compatible, people argue. They say that living together before getting married can open your eyes to the idiosyncrasies of your future spouse. It can show you your fiancé’s quirks and bad habits and give you the opportunity to decide if you can deal with them or not. The problem with that is, we all have quirks and bad habits, and no one, outside of the security of covenant, is going to endure those irritations long-term. The question isn’t “do they do things that bother you” but rather, “will I stay committed and faithful even though they do”?
Other arguments for co-inhabiting include monetary gain. If you combine incomes and share the bills, you’re setting your marriage up to be stronger financially. Maybe on paper that’s true, but the flip side is that this combining of resources and responsibility before things are legal just makes it harder to disengage once you break up—which couples who live together before marriage are likely to do.
Regardless, for believers, it comes down to not what the world says or what makes sense logically, but rather, what the Bible instructs. There are certainly a few gray areas in the Bible on various topics—but Christians living together before marriage is not one of them. This issue, referenced multiple times through the word of God, is incredibly clear.
Here are 8 Scriptures that clearly outline God’s plan for His children on sexual purity.
