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Tag: White South African people
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Twitter Users React To Elon Musk’s Censorship
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Despite portraying himself as a paragon of free speech, Twitter owner Elon Musk has repeatedly given into the requests of powerful autocratic regimes to silence their citizens. The Onion asked Twitter users how they felt about Musk’s censorship, and this is what they said.
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Elon Musk Names NBCU Executive New Twitter CEO
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Elon Musk has chosen NBCUniversal’s head of advertising Linda Yaccarino to become the new chief executive officer of Twitter, stepping into the role at a controversial and economically perilous time for the company. What do you think?
“I wish her luck on her first performance review with Catturd2.”
Kathy Weida, Mug Tester
“I don’t trust a woman who uses a woke, gender-neutral title like CEO.”
Robert Marcotte, Toxic Waste Removal
“She already has plenty of experience working at a dying platform like NBC.”
Sameer Gupta, Balloon Inflator
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New Twitter CEO Asked To Watch ‘The Matrix’ As Part Of Onboarding Process
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SAN FRANCISCO—Emphasizing that she should get ready to have her mind absolutely blown, Elon Musk reportedly sat the new Twitter CEO Linda Yaccarino down on Friday and had her watch The Matrix as part of her onboarding process. “Buckle up, because this movie will tell you everything you need to know about working at Twitter, and also the world and our society at large,” said Musk, who opened up a laptop, pressed play on the 136-minute-long film, and began excitedly watching, commenting on, and reciting the lines of his favorite scenes over her shoulder. “Okay, so this is how it works when you’re CEO: you’re like Neo and I’m your Morpheus. The machines are trying to control our minds, but luckily, we know the truth. In order to be in charge of Twitter, you must take the blue pill or the red pill. What will you choose?” At press time, Elon Musk had switched the onboarding movie to Andrew Tate’s Hustlers University after discovering that the Wachowskis identified as female.
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Elon Musk Unveils New Cybertruck Concept Design
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AUSTIN, TX—After a year in which the electric automaker’s stock lost 65% of its value, CEO Elon Musk has doubled down on plans to build Tesla’s Cybertruck, introducing on Friday a new design for a concept vehicle that would boldly reimagine the American pickup. “This is a truck unlike any the world has ever seen: the first to consist entirely of a quadrilateral with four congruent sides and four right angles,” Musk said during a media event at Tesla headquarters, describing the proposed Cybertruck’s unique two-dimensionality and innovative ability to glide across land, sea, and air. “It’s going to be totally flat, and we’ve done away with the wheels completely. Because it has no depth, it can theoretically travel at infinite speeds. And with its ability to hold an unlimited number of passengers, the Cybertruck will instantly alleviate all traffic congestion between San Francisco and L.A. Anyway, we’ll have these on the road later this year.” At press time, Tesla’s stock price had reportedly tripled even as Musk’s blueprint for the concept car inexplicably erupted into flames.
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Things To Never Say To Someone Who Loves Elon Musk
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If you know someone who stans the almighty Meme Lord and CEO of the Boring Company Elon Musk, here are things you should never say.
“It sometimes seems like he craves attention.”
Oh, so you’re one of those woke libtards, huh?
“I totally get it. I’m obsessed with Volvo CEO Martin Lundstedt.”
This will be a conversational dead end, as Lundstedt lacks Musk’s infectious charisma and je ne sais quoi.
“What’s your favorite Tesla lawsuit?”
For true stans, it’s impossible to choose between the 40-plus racial and sexual harassment cases.
“He dies in the end.”
You may know the end to his story, but there’s no need to ruin it for people who’ve never come to grips with the reality that he is but a man.
“It’s kinda weird that he wears diapers.”
Actually, for a man like Musk, relieving himself in a diaper rather than a toilet is a far more efficient use of his valuable time.
“No one who has been close to him speaks well of him.”
This, however, is a trick, as no one has ever truly been close to him.
“He’s not even in my top five tyrants.”
There’s no need to rank them.
“He’s impregnated everyone else. Why not you?”
Pointing out the obvious will just make her feel bad.
“Did you know that Henry Ford also once started an automobile company?”
Implying that Elon Musk is in any way similar to anyone who existed before him is pretty much guaranteed to lead to a fistfight.
“Elon Musk is going to ruin Twitter.”
They will rightly point out that Twitter was already ruined. He will just make it worse.
“Elon Musk is too funny.”
Elon Musk is the perfect amount of funny, asshole.
“Age of consent laws are good.”
Just testing something here…
“Elon’s definitely coming to your birthday party.”
Don’t give them false hope their father will acknowledge them.
“As a woman, I…”
The only two outcomes from saying this are a violent death threat or total dismissal of your personhood.
“Please stop harassing me on Twitter.”
This will only make things worse.
“I’m looking for podcast recommendations.”
Only terrors lie down this path.
“Please clean your room.”
Don’t be such a bitch, Mom.
“Hi.”
Bad idea all around.
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Twitter Users Vote For Elon Musk To Step Down As CEO
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Millions of Twitter users asked Elon Musk to step down as head of Twitter in a poll the billionaire created and promised to abide by. What do you think?
“Even Elon Musk isn’t safe from Elon Musk’s Twitter layoffs.”
Marcus Salvesen • Posture Critic
“To be fair, a lot of those people are biased by their desire for a functional social media platform.”
Monique Dewey • Progress Identifier
“It’s for the best. He has other companies he should be destroying right now.”
Jim Quinlan • Grudge Archivist
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Donald Trump Calls To Terminate Constitution
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Former President Trump has claimed the Constitution can be terminated to reinstate him as president, falsely citing election fraud as grounds, after Elon Musk released information about Twitter’s role in limiting access to a story about Hunter Biden,. What do you think?
“What’s gotten into him lately?”
Elwood Staunton, Unemployed
“The Founding Fathers had some pretty strong feelings about candidate offspring and their laptops.”
Ferdinand Beser, Ingot Stacker
“Before we say no, let’s hear how much money he’s offering.”
Donna Castaneda, Fad Promoter
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Things Former Twitter Employees Said About Elon Musk That Got Them Fired
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Rule No. 1 of working at Twitter? Do not insult the chief twit. Here are things that former employees said about Elon Musk that immediately got them fired.
“Elon was so nice. I really enjoyed our first meeting, and I’m looking forward to working with him on future projects.”
“Elon was so nice. I really enjoyed our first meeting, and I’m looking forward to working with him on future projects.”
Exactly something a social justice warrior would say.
“I have an idea that will make Twitter profitable.”
“I have an idea that will make Twitter profitable.”
That runs directly counter to Musk’s plan to drive this baby into the ground.
“I haven’t seen my wife in three days.”
“I haven’t seen my wife in three days.”
All wives were supposed to be turned in last week.
“I have to go to the bathroom.”
“I have to go to the bathroom.”
Employees of Twitter 2.0 must hold their urine for at least 27 hours.
“Don’t we have an ethical responsibility to make sure our work isn’t being used to hurt people?”
“Don’t we have an ethical responsibility to make sure our work isn’t being used to hurt people?”
No.
“I actually really like the Green Album.”
“I actually really like the Green Album.”
Elon Musk may be a fucking tool, but even he knows everything Weezer made after Pinkerton is reductive drivel.
“Mr. Musk brings the perfect union of innovation and talent.”
“Mr. Musk brings the perfect union of innovation and talent.”
Algorithm caught the word “union” and immediately sent security.
“I bet I can jump higher than him.”
“I bet I can jump higher than him.”
Not a chance. Elon Musk is the most nimble, athletic man on earth.
“I’m locked inside the office. Please. I’m so hungry.”
“I’m locked inside the office. Please. I’m so hungry.”
Not very “hardcore” to complain about spending the weekend trapped in Twitter headquarters, is it?
“He’s such a great boss.”
“He’s such a great boss.”
No one wants to work with a liar.
“Is now a good time to tell you that I’m a bot?”
“Is now a good time to tell you that I’m a bot?”
Read the room. You know bots don’t get a nice severance package, either.
“Uh, boss. This is going to break the site.”
“Uh, boss. This is going to break the site.”
He already knows. Stop wasting time!
“He’s got weird thumbs.”
“He’s got weird thumbs.”
This is apparently the thing Musk is most sensitive about.
“He’s sitting in my chair.”
“He’s sitting in my chair.”
Sitting reduces crucial blood flow to employees’ brains, which should be working nonstop to make Twitter profitable.
“I would rather have kids with the previous CEO.”
“I would rather have kids with the previous CEO.”
Threats to Musk’s corporate propagation plan will not be tolerated.
[Silence]
It’s also inappropriate for employees not to be talking about him.
“I love Elon, but I wouldn’t sacrifice my wife and kids for him.”
“I love Elon, but I wouldn’t sacrifice my wife and kids for him.”
Only absolute loyalty will be accepted!
“He offered me a horse to not discuss what he did in the elevator.”
“He offered me a horse to not discuss what he did in the elevator.”
Should’ve taken the horse.
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Most Brilliant Ways Elon Musk Plans To Make Twitter Profitable
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Slip And Fall Scam
Just in case you’re wondering why Elon Musk is writhing in pain outside Twitter HQ.
Holding Fired Employees Upside Down And Shaking Them Until Loose Change Falls Out
Holding Fired Employees Upside Down And Shaking Them Until Loose Change Falls Out
Gotta be worth a try.
Good Old-Fashioned Tax Evasion
Good Old-Fashioned Tax Evasion
If it works for his other companies, it’ll work for Twitter.
Two-Drink Minimum
Twitter is better after a few drinks anyway.
Adding Reels, Shorts, Stories, Blogs, Forums, Chat Rooms, Maps, Streaming, Bidding, VR, Dating, And Ride-Sharing
Adding Reels, Shorts, Stories, Blogs, Forums, Chat Rooms, Maps, Streaming, Bidding, VR, Dating, And Ride-Sharing
One of them has got to work!
Save Costs By Making The Site A Little Dimmer
Save Costs By Making The Site A Little Dimmer
The site will also go completely dark during times when no one is using it.
Charge People To Not Be On Twitter
Charge People To Not Be On Twitter
There are an estimated 240 million active users worldwide, but this pales in comparison to the 7.7 billion people not using Twitter. That’s where the real money is.
Buying All Other Major Social Media Platforms And Running Them Into The Ground
Buying All Other Major Social Media Platforms And Running Them Into The Ground
If Twitter is the only option, people will have to give it a shot.
Rentable Tweets
Instead of retweeting, Twitter users will be able to rent a limited number of views on favorite tweets.
Charging For Ability To Stop Typing
Charging For Ability To Stop Typing
Free users will be forced to keep typing until their fingers atrophy and the tendons in their hands snap.
Replacing Staff With His Own Underpaid Progeny
Replacing Staff With His Own Underpaid Progeny
He’s well on his way.
Self-Tweeting Technology
Taking notes from the success of Tesla, Musk plans to roll out a feature that will take all of the stress out of tweeting by automatically generating thoughts and opinions for its users.
Merch
He could sell shirts or something.
The Sound Of Someone Repeating The C-Word Loudly Plays Until Users Pay To Mute It
The Sound Of Someone Repeating The C-Word Loudly Plays Until Users Pay To Mute It
As a bonus, users will also get to chose what the next automatically played slur will be.
Canceling His Car Insurance
Canceling His Car Insurance
Trimming the fat in his own personal expenses will help focus his financial goals.
Add A Paid Tier For People Who Want Access To Easily Dox Journalists And Public Officials
Add A Paid Tier For People Who Want Access To Easily Dox Journalists And Public Officials
For too long, people have been able to threaten journalists and public officials without generating a direct profit for the social media platform.
Changing Its Name To TikTok
Changing Its Name To TikTok
He’ll definitely get sued, but it’ll temporarily boost users in the confused idiot demographic.
Killing Two-Thirds Of Twitter’s Workforce
Killing Two-Thirds Of Twitter’s Workforce
Dead people can’t collect severance or file wrongful termination lawsuits.
Increase Profits
The man truly is a genius.
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Elon Musk Plans To Charge Monthly Fee For Twitter Account Verification
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Twitter CEO Elon Musk says he plans to charge Twitter users for using the blue verification checkmark, quickly lowering the amount to $8 per month after sparking criticism for suggesting a $19.99 monthly fee. What do you think?
“Can we pay more for a bigger checkmark?”
Hector Hoffman, Fiberglass Laminator
“Now how will I know if my death threats are going to the real Will Wheaton?”
Sloane Rupar, Fur Trapper
“A public town square is only as good as its entrance fee.”
Nolan O’Connor, Gambling Coach
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