The holiday season can feel more hectic than happy for parents. They’re juggling busy schedules, school vacations, holiday get-togethers — and trying to make it fun for the whole family. Parents of children with ADHD and learning differences, such as dyslexia, have added layers of stress.
Hosting out-of-town relatives, attending holiday parties, or baking cookies with friends may feel festive to some family members but may cause stress and overwhelm for those who struggle with patience and attention. Many parents feel guilty if they don’t keep holiday traditions alive.
There are ways to balance the desire for tradition with the reality of what your family will enjoy — not just survive. Here are some tips and simple swaps:
Tweak old traditions or create new ones that your entire family can enjoy. Ask your child how they want to celebrate the holidays. What do they find hardest about your usual traditions? Think about how you can change a few details to make the holiday season a better fit for everyone.
For example, when reading a classic holiday story, ask your child if they’d like to retell (or act out) the story — as it went or as your child wishes it went. Or maybe they’d like to listen to an audiobook version or watch a movie of the story while sipping hot chocolate.
Say “No” to an Invitation
It’s easy to feel obligated to say “yes” to every party invitation. But an invitation is merely that: an invitation. You don’t have to say “yes” to all of them. Feel comfortable with the power of saying “no.” Also, it’s OK if the whole family doesn’t attend an event that will likely cause anxiety. For example, a big party might not be a good fit for children with ADHD or social anxiety. A smaller group setting may be less overwhelming and help children have a good time socializing.
Prepare and Manage Expectations Before an Event
Exchanging gifts may lead to frustration or worse for some kids with learning and thinking differences. Waiting their turn to open a gift can be challenging and tantrum-inducing for some children. For other children, opening a gift they weren’t expecting or didn’t want could lead to sensory overload and a meltdown. To avoid this reaction, discuss with your child what might happen at an event and how they can cope with it. Role play how to receive, open, and accept gifts and practice saying polite “thank-yous.” This prepares kids to navigate awkward moments — like opening a gift they don’t like.
Remember, the holidays aren’t always full of cheer for kids with thinking and learning differences. Tweaking traditions with simple swaps and pre-planning will bring joy to the season’s festivities for the entire family.
Holiday Traditions: Next Steps
Andrew Kahn, Psy.D., is associate director of behavior change and expertise at Understood.org.
CELEBRATING 25 YEARS OF ADDITUDE Since 1998, ADDitude has worked to provide ADHD education and guidance through webinars, newsletters, community engagement, and its groundbreaking magazine. To support ADDitude’s mission, please consider subscribing. Your readership and support help make our content and outreach possible. Thank you.
“Woebot assumes neurotypicality. It expects that all brains can be retrained to cope with negative emotions using the same therapeutic model. But ADHD brains process information and emotions differently.”
Women with shadow of bird wings. surreal concept art of freedom hope inspiration dream and happiness. painting illustration
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“Rising from the Burnout: A Recovery Kit for Women with ADHD”
By Kate Moryoussef
“Recognize that you are doing the best you can each day under your circumstances. Think to yourself (perhaps as you do a calming exercise): ‘Even though I’m feeling overwhelmed, exhausted, and burned out, I’m going to send myself some love. I choose to feel calm. I choose to meet myself where I am.’”
“I’ve Been Rewatching the Same 3 TV Shows for the Past 20 Years.”
By Alisa Marković
“You might be thinking: What kind of sane person would watch the same three TV shows — Friends, Charmed, and Grey’s Anatomy — over and over? It’s a reasonable question that has even crossed my own mind. For me, it has just about everything to do with ADHD.”
Young man in superhero costume sitting on top of building
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“ADHD Is Not a Real Superpower. Claiming It Is Helps No One.”
By Michael Thomas Kincella
“In the ongoing fight to raise much-needed awareness around ADHD, it’s vital we don’t romanticize it. Pithy expressions do little to help people with ADHD when they’re called unproductive at work or disruptive in the classroom. Instead of being cute, we should be clear.”
Related Resources and Next Steps
Photo by Max Fischer: https://www.pexels.com/photo/teacher-asking-a-question-to-the-class-5212345/
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“The Simulation Exercises That Expand Educators’ Understanding of Neurodivergent Students”
By Suzanne Robertshaw
“To simulate difficulty with focus, I have teachers read a short text on a screen and try to retain key points (like names, dates, and places) without taking notes and while loud, distracting noises (traffic, children playing, birds tweeting, and so on) play. The text also disappears off and on the screen during the activity, interrupted by intermittent thought bubbles that display questions like, ‘I wonder if it’s going to rain later’ and ‘Did I remember to switch off the gas?’ Without warning, the text abruptly disappears from the screen, replaced by a series of questions about the text. The teachers then have a few minutes to answer those questions.”
Photo by Brett Sayles: https://www.pexels.com/photo/woman-carrying-girl-while-showing-smile-1445704/
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“What My Daughter Taught Me (a Therapist) About ADHD”
By Courtney Barber, MHC
“I wondered why my daughter’s diagnosis had been so hard to arrive at and why it had taken so long, even for me, a mom and a trauma-informed therapist with a clinical degree, to pick up on the signs. As I reviewed research on ADHD, things became clearer.”
“The doom in ‘doom pile’ is actually an acronym. It stands for ‘Didn’t Organize, Only Moved’ – an experience many people with ADHD can apparently relate to when they try to organize their spaces, whether physical or virtual. Instead of things getting sorted to their rightful places, they end up in a stack along with other random, unsorted things to be organized later – or never.”
Front view of three female generations strolling outdoors at sunset. Grandmother and granddaughter are looking at each other.
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“My ADHD Family Tree: Three Generations of Neurodivergence Revealed”
By Danna McDonald, RMFT-SQ, RSW
“Most profoundly, our diagnoses have given us a lens into understanding each other’s idiosyncrasies and that something might be ‘an ADHD thing.’ For my daughter, it’s negative thoughts. For me, it’s irritation. And for my mom, it’s needing to say or act on each thought, lest she forget it right away.”
“As a student with ADHD and dyslexia, I have often experienced doubt and struggled in my academic career during periods of transition, e.g., moving to a school for children with learning differences in second grade, attending a ‘regular’ high school, and then going to college. These periods are challenging for everyone, but the learning curve for individuals with learning differences and ADHD can be especially steep and intimidating. Despite my fears, I loved my first semester of college.”
Image by <a href=”https://pixabay.com/users/wokandapix-614097/?utm_source=link-attribution&utm_medium=referral&utm_campaign=image&utm_content=2355684″>WOKANDAPIX</a> from <a href=”https://pixabay.com//?utm_source=link-attribution&utm_medium=referral&utm_campaign=image&utm_content=2355684″>Pixabay</a>
CELEBRATING 25 YEARS OF ADDITUDE Since 1998, ADDitude has worked to provide ADHD education and guidance through webinars, newsletters, community engagement, and its groundbreaking magazine. To support ADDitude’s mission, please consider subscribing. Your readership and support help make our content and outreach possible. Thank you.
As a child, middle school completely overwhelmed me. There were higher academic expectations, new interests and extracurriculars, a much wider and more intimidating social landscape, physical and hormonal changes, and a developing sense of self with which to reckon. Add to this madness a cocktail of executive dysfunction, impulsivity, distractibility, high emotional sensitivity, and hyperfocus — all due to undiagnosed ADHD — and my distaste for middle school is understandable.
Oh, did I mention that I started middle school in a new town? I felt like I had been thrown into shark-infested waters. The one person I happened to know at my new school immediately shunned me because of my ADHD-fueled obsession with Treasure Trolls (it was the ‘90s, after all). My backpack heavily featured the wild-haired, bejeweled dolls, and it was socially disadvantageous to be seen with someone toting such a juvenile accessory. Cue intense rejection sensitive dysphoria.
I did have teachers with reasonable expectations who seemed to care, but I was an undiagnosed student and, although I worked unbelievably hard to maintain a 4.0 most of the time (because, anxiety), my teachers did not temper their disapproval when I misplaced a textbook, forgot an assignment, absent-mindedly wrote on a desktop, or impulsively left my seat. Being made to scrub all the surfaces in the science lab after class under the glare of an adult authority figure I respected caused me no small amount of shame and self-loathing.
Today, I’m the parent of a new middle schooler with ADHD, which is why my own memories of middle school awkwardness and growing pains are flooding back. But I’m using my middle school experiences to help my child transition to a new academic stage with the least amount of stress possible. Here’s what helped him – and us – so far.
Tips for Middle School Newcomers
1. Strengthen existing friendships. My son formed some sweet friendships throughout the fourth and fifth grades. Though many of his friends joined him in his new middle school, we prioritized facilitating time with them outside of school and during the summer before sixth grade. This enabled him to solidify those bonds before middle school rocked the proverbial boat.
2. Sign up for extracurriculars and focus on interests. My son signed up for his new school’s swim team, and he plays trombone for the sixth-grade band. The benefits are three-fold: He gets to partake in activities he enjoys while getting to know other kids who share his interests, which would be more difficult to do otherwise in a school that is more than twice of size of his previous one. The activities he chose also happen to help him regulate his emotions and obsessive behaviors.
3. Establish habits and routines. Despite our best efforts to anticipate the demands of middle school and advise our son accordingly, it hasn’t been smooth sailing. For example, in the beginning of the school year, there were several Sunday nights when my son would suddenly (and anxiously) remember that he had assignments due the following morning that he had yet to begin. It occurred to us then that his teachers no longer required him to keep an agenda for class, which was an expectation in elementary school. While some students probably rejoiced in no longer having to record their assignments, the loss of this invaluable tool was causing my son’s previously successful school routine to break down.
I know that paper planners are essential for my own day-to-day functioning as an adult with ADHD, so we bought my son a paper planner (our county no longer provides them for middle schoolers) and got him back into the habit of adding his assignments here at the end of every class and checking his agenda as soon as he got home. To reinforce the habit, I checked his agenda every day for the first two weeks to make sure that he was using it, and I signed each entry, as his teachers had required us to do in elementary school. Now, he manages his assignment book on his own and has learned that, for those of us with ADHD, habits and routines, while tedious, are our friends.
4. Ride a few waves on your own. So far, middle school has been an exercise in finding tools and strategies that work for our son and encouraging him to use them independently. Gaining a sense of autonomy is an important part of growth, but striking a balance between guiding our pre-teens and giving them ownership of their school experience is tricky. We don’t want to let them drown, but it’s okay – healthy even – to let them ride a few waves on their own. In fact, it’s imperative that they do.
5. Be patient and give yourself grace. At the end of a long day away from us, my son (and all middle schoolers) need a safe space to decompress, express their emotions, engage in their interests, and… play! Our kids are now pre-teens who have body hair, wear deodorant, and will soon be taller than their moms, but they’re still kids — and they need our patience and understanding during this critical juncture in their young lives.
How to Survive Middle School with ADHD: Next Steps
CELEBRATING 25 YEARS OF ADDITUDE Since 1998, ADDitude has worked to provide ADHD education and guidance through webinars, newsletters, community engagement, and its groundbreaking magazine. To support ADDitude’s mission, please consider subscribing. Your readership and support help make our content and outreach possible. Thank you.
In a recent discussion with other ADHD coaches, someone beautifully summarized that coaching, at its heart, helps the client develop self-trust. Indeed, getting to the point where we can trust ourselves is a relief. Self-trust moves us toward who we want to be in this life. It’s also a skill many individuals with ADHD struggle to cultivate.
I know because I struggled with this through my life. Once I started to develop self-trust, it was as if I was looking at the world for the first time.
Self-Trust: A Dog’s Story
When I first heard the term self-trust, I couldn’t wrap my mind around it. I heard all its related concepts — be kind to yourself, work toward the doable, be reliable, know your boundaries and keep them — but these went in my left ear and out my right.
Then I contemplated what I already knew about trust. Had I seen it show up somewhere else? I had — in a dog.
I knew a dog who was adopted after what had been a tough life. The telltale signs were there — cowering, darting for food then back to hiding under the bed, and persistent caution around people. The new owner, my friend, was a gem. She opened her heart and home to help a scared animal who would eventually come to know love and safety.
But the dog didn’t know a stitch about that when he first arrived at his new home. Instead, he assumed life would be as it had been, arduous and frightening, so he continued to employ his well-developed survival skills to get through the day.
Sound familiar? Even just a bit?
The Cowering Dog in Each of Us
The cautious dog in us is the fallout of living with “shortcomings” and moments of unreliability in a world that isn’t a fan of such mishaps – and doesn’t let us forget it. We’ve learned to survive an environment that is unforgiving to ADHD – to keep the inner dog in line – through self-harassment and conditional self-acceptance.
It’s hard to imagine a cowering dog learning to play catch or offering a paw on cue. But once it notices that its human is a safe, reliable advocate, coming out from under the bed doesn’t seem so terrifying. Suddenly, learning a trick is possible because the person on the other end is smiling rather than hollering at them.
I was an ace at hiding under the bed, and coming out from underneath it took some learning and doing. I still find myself under there sometimes, but a calm voice inside – my own, and one I’ve worked so hard to find – lures me out with love and safety and helps me reframe my self-criticism with four words: “You got this, buddy.”
Self-empathy felt squeamish to me for a long time, but making it a habit to frequently say those four words has been life-changing. I say those words to myself with patience and reasonable expectations, like my friend would say to her adopted dog. When I say those words, what I am really telling myself is, “You’re enough today.”
Oh my, is that luxurious compared to what I used to say.
Self-Trust Is Self-Reliability – One Daring Inch at a Time
Any of us would be determined to prove to a leery dog that we’ll reliably appear each morning with breakfast, speak in a calm tone, and avoid insisting that they come closer before they’re ready. We’d let the dog go at its own pace, and give it a “good job, buddy” whenever it crawled out of hiding. Because we know that the simple act of daring to show up is a big step forward.
Reliability — not reliable perfection, but reliable advocacy and willingness to keep showing up for yourself — is key to developing self-trust.
It took time for my friend’s dog to become the dog he is today. Likewise for us, self-knowledge and consistency don’t happen overnight. For me, the biggest shift came when I learned that moving forward inch by inch wasn’t as big a deal as accepting that an inch of progress is enough.
This allowed me to make the biggest learning of all: There are only inches and there is only us to keep moving through them. Self-trust lies in self-advocacy to continue to move reliably, regardless of the noise happening inside or around us.
That dog didn’t suddenly storm out from under the bed. He crept closer and closer to the edge until one day he realized he was living life in the open.
Self-Trust and ADHD: Next Steps
CELEBRATING 25 YEARS OF ADDITUDE Since 1998, ADDitude has worked to provide ADHD education and guidance through webinars, newsletters, community engagement, and its groundbreaking magazine. To support ADDitude’s mission, please consider subscribing. Your readership and support help make our content and outreach possible. Thank you.
My senior year in high school was one of my life’s most joyful, exciting — but stressful — periods. I am a huge planner and pride myself on working hard to achieve my goals. While these qualities are often beneficial, they can make tasks like narrowing down a college list and filling out applications challenging. On top of this, I have ADHD and dyslexia. Though I am very confident in my abilities, adapting to new environments, people, and expectations often requires a steep learning curve and involves a few mishaps.
Throughout the college application process, I learned the importance of surrounding myself with people and environments that set me up for success. Here’s more advice for neurodivergent students evaluating and applying to colleges.
1. Plan Ahead
My first piece of advice is to plan as far ahead as possible! My college search began sophomore year when I set up a meeting with my college admissions counselor. No major plans were made, but I gained a basic understanding of when and how I would apply to schools.
I took the ACT for the first time the summer before my junior year. I highly recommend doing this. This gives you time to practice and make room for improvement. It also ensures you have testing accommodations in place. Fortunately, I am a good (albeit slow) test taker and eligible for extra time because of my ADHD. Alternatively, you may opt to apply to test-optional colleges and use the time to focus on other application parts.
3. Gather Research
Beyond taking the ACT, most of my prep work before senior year comprised attending college information sessions, researching schools, and brainstorming essay ideas. I gathered as much information as possible on the universities’ academics, costs, and accommodation programs. However, finding a strong and collaborative student community was my most important job. By the spring of junior year, I had compiled my list of colleges and ranked the University of Notre Dame as my top choice.
4. Brainstorm Essay Ideas
I began drafting a Common App essay the summer before senior year. Give yourself plenty of time to brainstorm ideas before you start writing. Great ideas do not happen overnight.
5. Get Feedback
Ask others to read your essays and offer feedback. I love storytelling, but my grammar is never great. One friend had the opposite problem, so we helped each other; I brainstormed ideas for him, and he fixed all my comma errors. Trading also prevented me from procrastinating.
6. Pick a Writing Strategy
Find a writing strategy for your college essay that works with how your brain thinks. If you are unsure, take a creative writing class. My essay was closer to poetry than an academic essay. I tried to have a strong narrative and told unique stories from my life, such as hanging a wagon in a Magnolia tree, traveling to see a solar eclipse, learning life lessons at summer camp, and being admitted into a secret theater society.
7. Give Yourself Grace
Be sure to give yourself grace. I am very grateful to attend Notre Dame. However, I’ve learned that no matter how hard I work, some things don’t end up as I imagined. During my recent search for a summer internship, I didn’t receive interviews for several large companies I absolutely loved and had networked with for months. The waiting game was so tough. Though I was disappointed, I kept putting myself out there, talked to other companies, and applied for jobs. I eventually did receive an amazing offer unexpectedly from one conversation at a career fair with a small boutique consulting firm. The company completely changed my perspective on the industry, and I made a very different decision than I initially thought I would.
Good can be found in all places. I imagined myself at Notre Dame and have loved my college years. At the same time, my summer internship completely took me by surprise, and yet, I know it will be a fantastic experience. I cannot emphasize enough the importance of openness and perseverance. Remember that, as a student with learning differences and ADHD you have had to work especially hard to find your place in the world. I am fully confident that by prioritizing a supportive community, planning, and having an open mind, you will find yourself surrounded by amazing opportunities and people better than you can imagine.
ADHD College Advice: Next Steps
Meaghan Northup grew up in Louisville, Kentucky, and is a junior at the University of Notre Dame, where she is studying Business Analytics and French.
CELEBRATING 25 YEARS OF ADDITUDE Since 1998, ADDitude has worked to provide ADHD education and guidance through webinars, newsletters, community engagement, and its groundbreaking magazine. To support ADDitude’s mission, please consider subscribing. Your readership and support help make our content and outreach possible. Thank you.
I remember the time I set out to create the perfect routine that I vowed to follow for the rest of my life – an unusual endeavor for me, given that I had rejected countless routines like they were my mortal enemy. I believed in spontaneity and had feared that routines would doom me to a monotonous life.
But the truth is, even as a free spirit, I knew that I desperately needed some semblance of order to function. It was a hard pill to swallow; routines promise productivity and stability, and I knew that not following any routines triggered my anxiety and other quirks.
So, armed with advice from books and blogs, I was sure I’d come up with the secret formula to get into a routine: It was all or nothing.
Trying – and Failing – to Get the Perfect Routine
The so-called perfect morning routine described in many self-help books usually involves waking up at the crack of dawn, meditating like a Zen master, jogging like Usain Bolt, and whipping up a wholesome breakfast.
Easy peasy to implement, right? Not really. My mornings looked more like live-action cartoons. I would set multiple alarms to wake up, but I also was a gold medalist in hitting the snooze button.
Every time I tried to meditate, the DJ in my mind would come on and play random songs from the ’00s. And jogging? More like a speedy walk… to the coffee maker. Often, my first meal of the day was dinner.
It goes without saying that I failed miserably to follow all parts of this “perfect” routine. I was harsh on myself for failing. Then again, I suspected that I would quickly become bored and restless with any schedule I managed to keep. There was no winning; I thought I was destined to never have a routine.
How I Finally Got Into a Routine
In my defense, I had no idea that I had ADHD at the time. The materials I consulted then on crafting routines were written for the normal folks (i.e., neurotypical people). As I learned more about the reasons behind my exasperating (and sometimes hilarious) relationship with routines, my mission shifted.
I realized that a lot of it came down to actually scheduling spontaneity. I now set timers for focused work periods and I schedule short breaks in between to let my mind wander. These breaks often lead to new and exciting ideas. I also use apps like Structured, Toggl, and iOS Focus to help me gradually transition to and from focus mode and free time.
Loosening my black-and-white mentality around doing things the right way also helped me skip the snooze button, which had been my kryptonite for years. No matter how many alarms I set, my tired ADHD brain would plead, “Just five more minutes!”
A gentle wake-up routine was the answer. I completely replaced the old blaring alarms with sunlight. Yes, you read that right – I gave up on conventional alarms. And no, I’m not waking up late. The outcome is just the opposite. I used to struggle to get up at 8 a.m. with an alarm. Now, I wake up at 6 a.m., without an alarm, feeling fully rested and alert.
The battle between routine and spontaneity, I learned, doesn’t have to be a battle at all. My need for structure and love for the unexpected can coexist – it never had to be one or the other. Achieving order, I also know now, is only possible on my terms, not anyone else’s.
How to Get Into a Routine: Next Steps
CELEBRATING 25 YEARS OF ADDITUDE Since 1998, ADDitude has worked to provide ADHD education and guidance through webinars, newsletters, community engagement, and its groundbreaking magazine. To support ADDitude’s mission, please consider subscribing. Your readership and support help make our content and outreach possible. Thank you.
Perpetua Neo, DClinPsy, is a psychologist and executive coach currently living in Singapore. She received her doctorate in clinical psychology from University College London and her master’s in philosophy from University of Cambridge. Her first book This Is What Matters was published by Simon & Schuster in May 2022, which guides you to transform crisis to strength, or design an #EverydayAmazing life.
She has been featured in Elle, Forbes, and Business Insider and has previously worked with Olympians, business professionals, and individuals seeking to master their psychological capital. She works globally in English and Mandarin-Chinese via Skype and Facetime, blending cutting-edge neuroscience, psychology, and ancient wisdom.
Boundaries are about setting limits with ourselves, and others, to effectively manage our time, feel safe in our relationships, preserve our energy, and have our needs met. Most important, boundaries help us with regulating our nervous system. A lack of boundaries can lead to issues like stress, anxiety, mental health issues, and dysfunctional relationships. Ultimately, boundaries are an act of self-care and self-advocacy.
When I started working with Veronica, she was in her early fifties. She was single, had never been married, and didn’t have any kids. She had been in therapy for decades, but she wasn’t seeing much progress. She had carved out a competitive career on Wall Street over the past thirty years, and when I commented on her raspy voice in our first session she told me her vocal cords were exhausted from all the smoking and the shouting over the men she had to do for decades.
Ever since I can remember, I’ve chewed or picked at something. My mom tried to get me to quit when I was a kid, but this was back in the early 1970s, when body-focused repetitive behaviors (BFRB) weren’t exactly a hot topic of conversation. My mom was clever though, and tried to address my nail biting by way of a reward I couldn’t refuse: If I stopped biting my nails, I’d get a Barbie Dream House. Who would say no to that?
I have no idea how, but I was able to let enough of my nails grow back that I earned a rather posh place for my dolls. Plus, keeping my dolls busy kept my attention off my nails. It was all wonderful – until I gifted my Dream House to a classmate whose family had fallen on hard times. My dolls moved back into a box, and my nails whittled down again.
The years ticked by, and nail biting turned to cheek biting, then lip biting, then acne picking until settling into this current era of gnawing at the skin right next to my nailbeds. Here I find a wonderland of cuticle and skin to nip on whenever I’m stressed or bored. Unfortunately, this wonderland quickly bleeds after I’ve gone at it for a bit, and I begin to feel bad, as I have for decades, that I do such a thing.
The Answer to Incessant Nail and Skin Biting? Fidget Rings
It took me 57 years to get an ADHD diagnosis. It took 57 years and three weeks for my BFRB to take a turn for the better. I have fidget rings to thank for that.
I had been reading about and experimenting with fidget toys for ADHD when I discovered the existence of fidget rings. I asked my cousin who knows all about the neurodiversity world if she’d ever heard of them.
“Oh, my friends love theirs,” she said, as if everybody knew about these jewelry inventions. I was late to the party! With that, I ordered a handful of size-seven fidget rings to check out the hype myself.
I experimented with different fidget ring mechanisms to determine which, if any, were more enticing to me than chewing. One popular design has a ring that rotates on top of a stationary ring. Another has interlocking rings that move in and out of each other right on my finger — perhaps my favorite design. Another design features a collection of small balls that slide around a thin band.
I couldn’t decide on just one, so I wear these three fidgets rings every day. I alternate ring fingers, slide them off and play with them like toys, and use them as creative self-soothing because of the different sensory experiences they provide — all within constant reach.
I can’t believe how well these inanimate objects have worked to curb my nail and skin biting. It seems to boil down to a few reasons. The rings act as my comfort objects and as tactile reminders that I don’t want to do this to myself — that I have the option to stop and reassess my urges. The rings are fancy and pretty, and make me feel that way, too — especially on the inside. I think this translates to a kind of self-acceptance.
It hasn’t been a straight path to fingertip calm. The urge to gnaw off a piece of protruding cuticle is as gargantuan as the protrusion is small. Sometimes I must be intentional about playing with my rings until the urge to bite dies down, which is a nice mindfulness exercise. Sometimes I’ll drift and end up nibbling on a finger or two, but I’m able to pause more frequently now and turn my attention to my rings.
While the rings have been helpful, my stress and urges are noticeably better when I practice other stress-reducing habits, like meditation, exercise, short 10-minute walks outside, and perspective shifts.
When I think about all the ways I’ve grown and come to understand myself over the past several years, this change with my BFRB is the biggest surprise. Who would have thought that the first meaningful shift in a lifetime of picking, chewing, and shame would come down to three sterling silver rings?
Fidget Rings for BFRB: Next Steps
CELEBRATING 25 YEARS OF ADDITUDE Since 1998, ADDitude has worked to provide ADHD education and guidance through webinars, newsletters, community engagement, and its groundbreaking magazine. To support ADDitude’s mission, please consider subscribing. Your readership and support help make our content and outreach possible. Thank you.
During a recent training session I led on inclusion and learning differences in the classroom, I posed the following question – a tough one – to the teachers in the audience: “Raise your hand if, upon discovering that you have a neurodivergent student in your class, your immediate, unfiltered thought is a negative one?”
I clarified: “Do you assume, for example, that the student’s learning difference may add to your workload or disrupt the class in some way?”
A few teachers reluctantly raised their hands.
Then I asked, “And how many of you, upon finding out that you will be teaching a neurodivergent student, readily think, ‘This is great! I’m going to be able to really take advantage of some of the strengths of their brain.’” Cue lots of bowing heads and sheepish looks.
As a teacher of 24 years, I know that less-than-favorable unconscious (and sometimes conscious) attitudes absolutely exist within the education system toward students with learning differences. To be clear, I also know that the majority of teachers have benevolent intentions and want the best for their students.
Still, the longstanding approach in education systems has been that there is a core group of students that educators teach, and then there are “others” who require differentiated learning materials to accommodate their separate needs. This bolt-on-not-built-in approach (a term coined by Margaret Mulholland, an education inclusion specialist) can only ever lead to one way of thinking: Most kids learn in a similar, typical way, and anyone who doesn’t demands extra work – an inconvenience.
What Drives Negative Attitudes Toward Individuals with Learning Differences?
Years of attention-grabbing headlines – particularly those written about ADHD – have fueled myths and negative conceptions about neurodiversity and learning differences that have seeped into our subconscious and created a bias that was never of our making. The idea of ADHD not existing and instead being an excuse for a lack of discipline and poor parenting, for example, is still rampant.
It’s also generational. When I was in school in the ’80s, the term “specific learning difference” didn’t exist, let alone the more positive term, “neurodivergence.” Children who displayed traits that we now recognize as learning differences were regarded as unintelligent and troublesome, their traits only inspiring irritation or sympathy from teachers. (Even the latter can be damaging to self-esteem if a child senses that an authority figure is taking pity on them.)
The Consequences of Negative Teacher Bias
Such negative, often implicit biases against these students means potentially disastrous outcomes for self-esteem and future educational success. A UK report found that institutions of higher learning have been slow to provide inclusive educational environments in large part because of negative attitudes from staff toward students with learning differences.1 This included teachers not believing that a student had a disability or difference, and even questioning if a neurodivergent student was capable of studying at their current level.
Crucially, we must consider intersectionality here and how the overlap of race and gender with learning differences may create further discrimination or disadvantage, as evidenced, for example, by a teacher holding lower expectations of a child who has a certain skin color and a learning difference, or enacting harsher consequences. According to the Bellwether Report, Black students with disabilities account for just over 2% of the total U.S. student population, yet they make up nearly 9% of all students suspended.2
One in every five of us is said to be neurodivergent3, so it is the rule and not the exception that teachers will educate students with learning differences for the entirety of their careers. Still, educator training to support students with learning differences using inclusive practices, including increasing awareness of implicit biases, remains inadequate or largely unavailable, despite increasing calls for these components to become a core part of teacher training.
A strengths-based, inclusion-focused pedagogy whereby teachers fundamentally believe that all students, regardless of ability, can thrive when their needs are met can dramatically change learning outcomes for the better. One study showed that, compared to teachers with negative inclusive educational beliefs, teachers who believed that inclusive education is an effective way to teach provided greater positive feedback to students, felt less frustrated, and held lower expectations for future failure.4
In my role as a learning support specialist, I have collected many anecdotes from neurodivergent students about times when a teacher delivered instruction in a more inclusive manner, surely with learning differences exclusively in mind, that ended up making the lesson much more accessible to the entire class, to the delight of all students. Known as the curb-cut effect, it demonstrates that inclusive teaching can benefit not just a target group, but all students.
Apart from teacher training on inclusive practices, we also need more neurodivergent teachers who, by virtue of living with a condition or learning difference, will understand the experiences of students with learning differences and approach instruction in a more empathetic manner.
It’s possible that there are more neurodivergent educators out there than we know. They remain in the shadows because of fears related to disclosing a learning differences and being judged negatively. The unfortunate consequence of stigma is that it leaves a distinct lack of neurodivergent role models for students. If educational institutions start to actively recruit, support, and learn from neurodivergent teachers, then schools as a whole will be more inclined to look positively upon their neurodivergent students.
I feel instinctively that the tide is turning. It may be slow, but I’m heartened by how much societal awareness of neurodiversity has grown. I’ve observed that teachers and students are becoming more open about their differently wired brains. In my lifetime, I hope that all teachers will walk into a classroom and immediately feel nothing but delight and excitement – never dread – at the prospect of teaching students with wonderfully neurodivergent brains.
Implicit Bias in Education: Next Steps
CELEBRATING 25 YEARS OF ADDITUDE Since 1998, ADDitude has worked to provide ADHD education and guidance through webinars, newsletters, community engagement, and its groundbreaking magazine. To support ADDitude’s mission, please consider subscribing. Your readership and support help make our content and outreach possible. Thank you.
BALTIMORE — Lamar Jackson hurt an ankle and lost one of his top targets to a more severe injury.
At least Baltimore’s star quarterback was able to keep playing. The Cincinnati Bengals weren’t so lucky.
Jackson threw two touchdown passes in the second quarter — one of which came thanks to a fortuitous carom — and the Ravens beat Cincinnati 34-20 on Thursday night after the Bengals lost Joe Burrow to a wrist injury.
The AFC North-leading Ravens (8-3) completed a head-to-head sweep of Cincinnati (5-5) and moved to 2 1/2 games ahead of the last-place Bengals — but both teams came out of the game with significant health concerns.
Burrow left in the second quarter after throwing a touchdown pass and wasn’t able to return. Baltimore tight end Mark Andrews is expected to miss the rest of the season after hurting an ankle.
“That’s very tough because that’s my boy,” Jackson said. “That’s like receiver one sometimes.”
Ravens coach John Harbaugh announced after the game that Andrews’ injury appears to be season-ending. Cincinnati coach Zac Taylor said Burrow’s injury looked like a sprain, and it’s not clear what his availability is going forward.
The injuries overshadowed this huge divisional matchup, but only to a degree. It was a huge win for a Baltimore team that has been dominant at times but hasn’t been able to pull away in the tough AFC North.
The Bengals were up 10-7 after Burrow’s 4-yard scoring toss to Joe Mixon, but the Ravens answered when Jackson’s pass over the middle bounced off linebacker Germaine Pratt and right to receiver Nelson Agholor, who caught the ball in stride and punctuated the 37-yard touchdown with a flip into the end zone.
“He was flying,” Jackson said. “That’s a Florida boy. We’re known for speed.”
Jackson threw a 10-yard TD pass to Rashod Bateman with 23 seconds left in the half to put Baltimore up 21-10.
Jake Browning, a 27-year-old backup who had played in only one NFL game, relieved Burrow and was able to guide the Bengals to a field goal to start the second half. But that was all he could manage until he threw a 2-yard touchdown pass to Ja’Marr Chase with 1:08 remaining in the game.
Browning was 8 of 14 for 68 yards.
“I felt calm all the time, felt like I threw the ball where I wanted to, but obviously there were too many three-and-outs,” Browning said. “Put our defense in a tough situation and I think when Joe goes down I go in the game fully expecting to win.”
Jackson threw for 264 yards despite losing Andrews on the first drive of the game.
Gus Edwards bookended Baltimore’s day offensively with 3-yard touchdown runs — the first made it 7-0 and the latter 34-13.
Cincinnati won the division the past two years, when late-season injuries kept Jackson off the field for the Ravens. This year Jackson has been able to stay available — he went into the tent after hurting his ankle in the first quarter Thursday but remained in the game — and Baltimore’s AFC North rivals are the ones dealing with health issues at quarterback.
Cleveland, which won at Baltimore last weekend to pull within a half-game of first place, lost Deshaun Watson for the season with a fractured shoulder. Now Burrow is dealing with another injury after he faced calf trouble earlier this season.
The Ravens had five sacks, increasing their league-leading total to 44.
UP ABOVE
The game was delayed briefly because of apparent drone activity around the stadium.
“We saw them up there, drones. That’s a first,” Harbaugh said. “I thought I’d seen it all with the Super Bowl, the lights going out at the Super Bowl. Now we got drones flying around.”
The lights went out during Baltimore’s victory over San Francisco in the Super Bowl in New Orleans after the 2012 season.
PRIME TIME
The Bengals have lost 14 consecutive regular-season night games on the road. Baltimore improved to 20-3 at home in that situation since 2008.
“Our fans were really great,” Harbaugh said. “(The Bengals) had to take delay of games, they had a tough time communicating out there. They couldn’t get lined up numerous times as a result of the crowd noise.”
INJURY
Cincinnati CB Cam Taylor-Britt left the game with a quad issue.
UP NEXT
Bengals: Host Pittsburgh on Nov. 26.
Ravens: Visit the Los Angeles Chargers on Nov. 26.
Attending the University of Notre Dame was always my dream. I loved the mission of the university and wanted to continue the legacy of my grandfather and great-grandfather. I vividly remember when my grandfather took me to a football game as an eighth grader. We went to the Grotto and lit candles. He smiled at me and said, “If you work hard, you can study here.”
Though I nodded back, I didn’t completely believe him. Even after being accepted to Notre Dame, I was afraid I wouldn’t have the tools or talent to measure up to my peers.
As a student with ADHD and dyslexia, I have often experienced doubt and struggled in my academic career during periods of transition, e.g., moving to a school for children with learning differences in second grade, attending a ‘regular’ high school, and then going to college. These periods are challenging for everyone, but the learning curve for individuals with learning differences and ADHD can be especially steep and intimidating.
Despite my fears, I loved my first semester of college. Academically, I worked really hard to succeed at such a rigorous school. I sat in the front row of every lecture, tried to know each professor personally, signed up for exam accommodations, and relentlessly studied.
I took my notes on paper to limit my distractions using beautifully colored pens. I made flashcards, went to office hours, checked homework with friends, and did every practice problem I could get my hands on. These habits set me up for success. I also joined clubs, started a job, auditioned for a play, attended football games, and spent time with new friends I cherish even now in my third year.
I experienced really tough moments, too. My schedule was absolutely insane (and still is my junior year!). Outside of Friday and Saturday nights, I worked constantly. There was no time for Netflix or naps. I also experienced intense exam anxiety. I put a ton of pressure on myself to be at the top of my class, even if it really didn’t matter. I recall scoring below average on my first calculus exam. I was so hard on myself even though I improved my score on every subsequent exam.
I also made careless mistakes that I beat myself up about, like when I missed my first online quiz for my microeconomics class. It changed my grade average to 56%. Yet, I still managed to end the semester with an A. Another time, I missed the deadline to apply to be a class council representative because I didn’t read one email. Yet, that missed opportunity led me to run for vice president of my hall, one of the best experiences I have ever had.
Those “failures” seemed devastating at the moment, but they always worked out for the best. I just needed to problem-solve, take deep breaths, and pivot. I am incredibly grateful to those who supported me, such as the girls in my hall, kind professors, the Sara Bea Accessibility Services Center, and my family.
ADHD College Advice for First-Year Students
Here are 10 pieces of college advice I would offer any incoming student with ADHD and learning differences:
Learn the names of as many people as possible and say “hello.” You never know who might become your best friend. However, know that not everyone will jive with you — and that’s totally okay.
Do not discount yourself — yes, you really do belong. Say yes to as many opportunities as possible. This is the best time to explore your passions and the myriad communities on campus.
Figure out what motivates you. Because of my ADHD, I really need deadlines or someone to hold me accountable. I am most engaged and productive when I am really busy.
Get a job on campus and make your own money. Deposit some money into a long-term savings account, buy your textbooks, splurge at Trader Joe’s, take a spontaneous solo trip to Las Vegas — whatever floats your boat.
Sit in the front and pay attention in class. If you scroll through your phone during lectures, you will need to spend far longer studying the night before an exam.
If you choose to be busy, have a positive attitude about it. You can invest your valuable time however you see fit. If it makes you miserable, do something else.
Create a toolkit of things that help you stay focused. A drink always helps me pay attention in long lectures. I go to Starbucks or use my electric kettle to brew tea from my dorm room. I also use colorful pens to make taking notes more fun. If all else fails, walk to the bathroom and back to reset.
Ask, and you shall receive. Do not be afraid to reach out to people in your campus community. Cold emails can lead to jobs, friendships, and new insights. You have nothing to lose, so be assertive and ask for what you want.
Conflict is normal. Yet, always assume good intent, especially with friends, teammates, professors, and project members. Active listening, “I” statements, and compassion go a long way. It’s totally okay to think differently than others, but ignoring their perspectives is not okay.
Prioritize your sleep, exercise, and faith (if you practice). Investing time in these activities will make you far happier and more productive.
ADHD College Advice: Next Steps
Meaghan Northup grew up in Louisville, Kentucky, and is a junior at the University of Notre Dame where she is studying Business Analytics and French.
CELEBRATING 25 YEARS OF ADDITUDE Since 1998, ADDitude has worked to provide ADHD education and guidance through webinars, newsletters, community engagement, and its groundbreaking magazine. To support ADDitude’s mission, please consider subscribing. Your readership and support help make our content and outreach possible. Thank you.
Stefanos Tsitsipas has retired with an injury after just three games of his second match at the ATP Finals, handing Holger Rune the victory
ByThe Associated Press
November 14, 2023, 9:47 AM
Greece’s Stefanos Tsitsipas leaves the pitch after injuring during the singles tennis match against Denmark’s Holger Rune, of the ATP World Tour Finals at the Pala Alpitour, in Turin, Italy, Tuesday, Nov. 14, 2023. (AP Photo/Antonio Calanni)
The Associated Press
TURIN, Italy — Stefanos Tsitsipas retired with an injury after just three games of his second match at the ATP Finals on Tuesday, handing Holger Rune the victory.
Tsitsipas, the 2019 champion, was trailing 2-1 in the opening set when he had a lengthy conversation with his trainer before slowly getting to his feet, shaking his head and walking over to shake Rune’s hand.
That was after just 17 minutes of play and led to boos from the crowd in Turin — which instead had to settle for an exhibition match between alternates Taylor Fritz and Hubert Hurkacz.
Tsitsipas, who lost to home favorite Jannik Sinner 6-4, 6-4 on Sunday, had cut short a practice session on Friday due to an apparent physical issue but the Greek player said he was “absolutely fine.”
Rune also lost his opener 7-6 (4), 6-7 (1), 6-3 to top-ranked Novak Djokovic but the Dane now tops the green group ahead of Djokovic’s match against Sinner later.
“For sure (not the way I wanted to win). It is very unfortunate,” Rune said. “You could see in the first service game, he was not serving as full as he can.
“For sure, something was up and when he called the physio I knew. It’s a long season, I wish him all the best.”
Tsitsipas also withdrew from the tournament in 2021 after losing his opening match.
The other night, when my girlfriend and I sat in the kitchen enjoying a cuppa tea, I got up mid-conversation to put away a pack of cat treats. “I’m still listening!” I shouted as I walked into the adjacent room.
She kept talking, and I kept puttering around. I apologized afterward, as I felt I’d been a bit rude. Thankfully, it didn’t bother her. But I realized I putter often, doing small jobs in a relaxed way. And it’s not just with her but during every kitchen-adjacent conversation with anyone, or when I’m on the phone, or when I’m hosting people…you get the idea. While it looks like I’ve tuned out the conversation, moving around and tidying up actually helps me be an active listener.
I love my kitchen. It’s a very active space that is permanently untidy in a homely, practical way. I find cooking and making cocktails a great creative outlet, especially when I’m entertaining. I’ve made my kitchen as ADHD-friendly as possible, keeping the stuff I use most visible and accessible while dancing about.
British custom dictates that we offer (force feed) our guests a drink or cuppa tea when they arrive, generally making the kitchen our first port of call. When my girlfriend pops by, she’ll perch on a stool at the breakfast bar (a stool I instinctively dodge or walk into every time I pass it rather than tuck it away). I’ll make the drinks. She’ll talk. I’ll listen. Then, I’ll get an overwhelming urge to reorganize my cupboards.
I’m not uninterested in what she’s saying — that woman could give a blow-by-blow account of a puddle drying, and I would hang on her every word. It’s just that I suddenly notice all these little tasks, and it’s like an itch! I really can’t help myself — I simply must do them then and there.
So, now I find myself standing there, doing my best not to interrupt her and practice my active listening skills without accidentally stabbing myself in the hand with the paring knife I’m ‘discreetly’ polishing.
By the time she finishes telling me about her day, the area around me looks like an IKEA showroom, yet the rest of the kitchen is still scruffy!
Then it’s my turn to talk, and all my activity ceases as she has such captivating listening eyes and a radiant smile.
Overall, I think my kitchen tidying is a good ADHD habit. For example, I’ll notice I’ve run out of clean cooking knives, wash the ones I’ve left beside some bowls, and then start cleaning the bowls. The next thing you know, I’ve washed all the pots and pans and blitzed the entire room in a whirlwind of disinfectant wipes, blissfully forgetful of the ice cream quietly melting in the next room, still bereft of the spoon I went to fetch in the first place. Then I’ll realize I’ve forgotten the spoon, go back into the kitchen, get distracted by a spot I missed cleaning as I open the cutlery drawer…and here we go again!
Is this an ADHD thing or something that everyone else does?
Active Listening: Next Steps
CELEBRATING 25 YEARS OF ADDITUDE Since 1998, ADDitude has worked to provide ADHD education and guidance through webinars, newsletters, community engagement, and its groundbreaking magazine. To support ADDitude’s mission, please consider subscribing. Your readership and support help make our content and outreach possible. Thank you.
Philadelphia Flyers goalie Carter Hart left Wednesday night’s game against the Buffalo Sabres midway through the first period with what the club called a “mid-body injury.”
ByThe Associated Press
November 1, 2023, 7:50 PM
Buffalo Sabres’ Brandon Biro, bottom, collides with Philadelphia Flyers’ Carter Hart, left, and Cam Atkinson after scoring a goal during the first period of an NHL hockey game, Wednesday, Nov. 1, 2023, in Philadelphia. (AP Photo/Matt Slocum)
The Associated Press
PHILADELPHIA — Philadelphia Flyers goalie Carter Hart left Wednesday night’s game against the Buffalo Sabres midway through the first period with what the club called a “mid-body injury.”
Hart — who was 4-3 with a 2.30 goals against average in seven previous starts as Philadelphia’s primary goaltender — appeared to be in discomfort after a scramble in front of the net seven minutes into a tie game with Sabres forward Kyle Okposo. More than two minutes later, after Brandon Biro scored Buffalo’s second goal on a sliding puck in the crease, a member of the Flyers’ training staff came out and escorted Hart off the ice under his own power.
Can’t get out of bed? Whether it’s due to a poor night’s sleep (hello, night owls), stubborn morning grogginess (i.e., sleep inertia), or dread-induced paralysis, struggling to wake up – while a common issue among individuals with ADHD – is a rough way to start the day… everyday.
Try these suggestions to get your mind, body, and environment aligned to help you get out of bed in the morning with less resistance and more alertness.
Fight Sleep Inertia by Waking the Body
Develop or reaffirm the habit of placing your phone or alarm across the room where you can hear it go off in the morning, but you must move in some capacity to shut it off. (Movement is key!)
Invite bright light into your room – another step you prepare the night prior – to cue your body that it is time to awaken. Leave a portion of your curtains/blinds open to allow the morning sunlight to gradually brighten your room. Alternatively, invest in a lamp that activates with your alarm.
Drink water as soon as you can after waking. Beyond hydration, the cool water will provide a mini shock to your body and quickly eliminate grogginess. (Leave a glass of water on your night stand the evening prior and do your best to take even a small sip right after waking.) Give it a try; even if your head hits the pillow again for 5 more minutes, you’ll find it much harder to get any additional sleep with your body now activated.
Continue to cool your body temperature! The temporary discomfort will continue to activate your body and bring you out of a groggy state. Throw off your covers and let the cool air hit you; if you got up to shut off your alarm, go ahead and open a window while you’re at it. Was your phone or alarm on your way to the bathroom? Then step in to splash cold water on your face and/or take a cold shower.
Get your blood pumping with light stretches. You can tense and relax while still in bed, after getting up to silence your alarm and drink water, and at any other point when your body could use a boost.
Breathe deeply for a few moments to increase your attention and help you feel refreshed and revitalized.
Use the power of scent to cue your body to wakefulness. Increase alertness with various aromas like peppermint, eucalyptus, or rosemary. Consider using sprays or diffusers (even better if they go off automatically). You can even set your coffee maker to start brewing just after your alarm goes off. The inviting smell of hot coffee can lure you out of bed.
Play energizing sounds, like upbeat music from your favorite playlist.
Resist the snooze. I know – if it were that easy to do, you probably wouldn’t be reading this. But when you’re reaching for the snooze button, it might help to remember that it actually prolongs sleep inertia, potentially making your morning feel even worse.
Focus on the next step. If you’re overwhelmed at the thought of everything you have to do, take a deep breath and try to pay attention only to your next small step, like getting your body out of bed, putting on slippers, taking one step and then another out of your room and into the bathroom, and so on.
Reward yourself when you get out of bed. Text a friend (which can also keep you accountable), enjoy a great breakfast, read your favorite blog, watch an episode of your favorite TV show as you get ready – anything that will make your morning as enjoyable as possible.
Reflect on three positive things that have happened in the past week to start your day on an encouraging note of gratitude.
Plan positive moments throughout the day and remember them when you’re waking. Write them down in a place you can easily look in the morning.
Come up with positive affirmations related to waking. Tell yourself that you enjoy waking up in the morning. Say it enough, and you’ll believe it.
Getting to a point where you can spring out of bed and start your day 100% energized won’t happen overnight. With any of these techniques, give yourself time to build consistency so these strategies become part of your morning routine. If you have chronic difficulties with sleep, whether from ADHD and/or other conditions that impact sleep, including stress, consult with your doctor to determine the best sleep/wake strategies for you and if any adjustments to your treatment plans are necessary.
How to Get Out of Bed in the Morning with ADHD: Next Steps
CELEBRATING 25 YEARS OF ADDITUDE Since 1998, ADDitude has worked to provide ADHD education and guidance through webinars, newsletters, community engagement, and its groundbreaking magazine. To support ADDitude’s mission, please consider subscribing. Your readership and support help make our content and outreach possible. Thank you.
Growing up, I was a normal, active kid who loved school and participated in many sports and activities. I loved school and it came easily to me! When I was 15, my life changed when I had an accident while horseback riding. I have absolutely no recollection of the event itself, but I know that I landed on my head.
After about 45 minutes of unconsciousness, followed by another 5 hours where I was unable to recollect anything – I had no short- or long-term memory – I “woke up” in the hospital. By “woke up” I mean I was able to retain enough information to have a conversation that lasted longer than 5 minutes.
After a few days in the hospital, where I answered the same questions over and over (What is your name? What year is it? Who is the president?) I was sent on my way. But during my time in care and even afterward, I kept hearing variations of “You’re fine” and “You’re okay,” which troubled me, because I didn’t feel fine or okay. I struggled to recall anything before the accident. And I don’t just mean the hours or day before, but my whole life prior to the event. When I shared these concerns, my doctor assured me that it’s normal not to remember “the days” before the concussion, and that my memory should come back in a couple of weeks, “but you may not get it all back. You’ll be fine!”
After the incident, I was referred to an optometrist to help clear up my double- and triple-vision. Today, this would have been an obvious sign that something was wrong with my brain, not my eyes. But we didn’t know back then what we know now.
Worse than the memory loss, though, was my loss of impulse and emotional control. It felt like there was someone inside of me controlling – and ruining – everything. Still, I was told “You’re okay” and “It’s fine!” so many times that I stopped questioning what was happening to me, even though I didn’t feel like myself. I spent the rest of my high school years quietly struggling. I forgot how to learn and had no control over my emotions or behaviors – yet I was soon off to college.
I had not talked to anyone about what I was going through because I was told that I was fine – end of discussion. But once in college, I talked about my experiences with my new best friend. He was the first one to tell me, “Dude, you are not okay.” He told my roommate, who was a neuropsychology major, who then brought me to her psychology professor, who then put me in touch with his friend, a neurologist. He confirmed that my “concussion” was in fact a traumatic brain injury and that I had not received any of the post-injury care that I needed.
I was in denial at first. But being told that I was “not okay” did something to me: It gave me the confidence to finally advocate for myself. Eventually, I began to see a counselor who helped me deal with the shame and self-hatred I had developed due to everything that had happened. She helped me realize that it’s okay to not be okay, and she encouraged me to focus on moving forward and building myself into someone whom I can love and respect.
Today, I’m a teacher and learning specialist for twice-exceptional students — those with brilliant minds who also have conditions that impact learning, emotions, and behavior.
Why do I share this deeply personal story? Because, as a teacher, I think it is a great example of the damage we can do when we tell students who are struggling with big emotions or otherwise that they are “fine” or “okay” when we know – and they know — that they are neither.
I know that we mean well, but these words often have the unintended effect of negating a child’s feelings, as was the case for me after my injury. If we continuously tell students that they are okay when they are not, we cause them to question themselves and refrain from seeking help and advocating for themselves.
So how should we respond when a student isn’t doing okay?
What Emotionally Struggling Students Need
1. Acknowledge their feelings. Even when you concretely know that your student is not in danger, real pain, or emotional turmoil, it’s important to validate how they’re feeling. This doesn’t mean that you need to agree with them or even believe that their response is appropriate to the situation. On that note…
2. Remember that feelings are complicated. All young students are not always the best at recognizing their emotions, but it is particularly difficult for neurodivergent students. They may struggle to identify what triggered their emotions, which often makes for implausible explanations that seem attention-seeking. Your student might fear, for example, that they are being chased by a giant worm. Instead of dismissing them, recognize that your student may be struggling to identify and verbalize what’s really going on. Honor this emotion of fear anyway by saying, “That seems really scary” or “That sounds terrifying!”
3. Provide options for calming down. We can’t start to problem-solve in a state of emotional dysregulation. That said – and this should go without saying – do not tell your students to calm down. If they could, they would. Instead, offer them tools and strategies to help them reclaim emotional control.
I have a student who (virtually) storms into my classroom at least once a week. I let him express his feelings, acknowledge that I can see his frustration, and say something like, “I would really like to discuss this with you, but first, can we take a second to remember where we are?” With that, I ask the student to tell me five things he sees, four things he feels, three things he hears, two things he knows he can do, and one thing he is going to do. At this point (and usually after a lot of eye-rolling) we are able to move on to problem-solving.
4. Help students name feelings and look past the surface to identify the real problem. By building their emotional vocabulary, you’re helping students pinpoint how they’re feeling – anything from frustrated and bored to worried and irritable – which will allow them to take control and figure out what’s behind their feelings.
Once your student identifies what caused their feelings, give them options for problem-solving (and how you can play a role), like “mediate conversation between students” (assuming there’s some conflict here), “discuss methods for managing emotions” (e.g., what to do when challenging class material causes frustration), and “talk with parents about student needs” among other choices. Nine times out of ten, students simply want to be heard and have their problems recognized. Giving your students options to identify the type of help they want and need will empower them to seek out appropriate resources the next time a similar situation arises.
As I learned after years of suffering silently, it’s okay to not be okay. This mentality doesn’t mean that we’re encouraging students to accept defeat. In fact, it’s the opposite. When we can admit that we’re struggling – a little or a lot – it puts us on a path toward finding help to make things better. The next time a student isn’t doing okay, acknowledge it. Believe them so they won’t question themselves as they open the door to resiliency and self-advocacy. If we do not provide a truly supportive and safe space for them to express their emotions, we actively hurt their resilience and self-advocacy.
It’s Okay to Not Be Okay: Next Steps for Emotional Control
CELEBRATING 25 YEARS OF ADDITUDE Since 1998, ADDitude has worked to provide ADHD education and guidance through webinars, newsletters, community engagement, and its groundbreaking magazine. To support ADDitude’s mission, please consider subscribing. Your readership and support help make our content and outreach possible. Thank you.
Britney Spears is opening up about her life during her Britney: Piece of Me Las Vegas residency.
In case you don’t remember, Brit Brit’s Vegas residency was very much hyped up, but by the time it came around in 2013 there were reviews everywhere calling it disappointing and underwhelming. For the entire four year stint of the shows, she faced some pretty harsh criticism about her performance — and now in her new book The Woman In Me, which came out Tuesday, she explained why.
She recalled how she would push back in small ways against those who were “making money” off her:
“In the most immortalizing moments of my Las Vegas residency, I wore tight wigs, and I’d dance in a way where I wouldn’t move a hair on my head. Everyone who is making money off me, wanted me to move my hair, and I knew it — and so I did everything but that.”
Not only that, she said the reason for her lack of momentum was because she wanted to “punish” those who “held her captive” during her conservatorship:
“I realize how much of myself I withheld on stage, how much by trying to punish the people who held me captive I punished everyone else, too — including my loyal fans, including myself. But now I know why I’ve been sleepwalking through so much of the past 13 years. I was traumatized.”
Heartbreaking…
The 41-year-old went on to explain she was doing her “own version of a factory slowdown”:
“By holding back on stage, I was trying to rebel in someway, even if I was the only one who knew that was what was happening. And so I didn’t toss my hair or flirt. I did the moves and I sang the notes, but I didn’t put the fire behind it that I had in the past. Toning down my energy on stage was my own version of a factory slowdown.”
It’s so sad that Britney was so miserable at the time she would even think to do something like this. Remember, she also said dad Jamie Spearsforced her into rehab during the residency over ENERGY SUPPLEMENTS!
As she’s been detailing in her memoir, she’s done a lot of things in order to rebel against her controllers over the years. Hopefully now she’s in a much better place.
