ReportWire

Tag: The Onion

  • Layover That Would Save $39 Requires Spending 7 Months Living In Iowa City Suburb

    Layover That Would Save $39 Requires Spending 7 Months Living In Iowa City Suburb

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    NEW YORK—While weighing the pros and cons of the flight as he planned his trip to visit family on the West Coast, local man Brett Danielewski, 32, reportedly expressed conflicting feelings Tuesday about a layover that would save him $39 but also require spending 7 months living in an Iowa City, IA suburb. “On the one hand, this could net me 40 bucks, which is, like, a whole dinner out, but then again, it does sound like a hassle spending five-thousand hours just puttering around outside Iowa City,” said Danielewski, who also expressed some trepidation after seeing that the flight’s fine print strongly implied he would need to settle down, marry, and start a family during that period in a nearby town such as Morse or Oxford. “If I have a book with me, it’ll probably pass pretty fast. And we’re talking about five and a half dollars in my pocket for every month I’m there. Man, that’s definitely tempting. But is it enough time to make my connecting flight?” At press time, Danielewski had opted for a slightly more expensive option that would allow him to simply spend a whole month living at the Cleveland-Hopkins International Airport.

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  • Gen Z Reveals How They Are Meeting People Outside Dating Apps

    Gen Z Reveals How They Are Meeting People Outside Dating Apps

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    Fed up with scrolling through endless photos and going on fruitless first dates, many Gen Zers are deleting their profiles and trying to meet people outside dating apps. Here are some of their strategies for finding potential partners in real life.

    Aiden Walker, Unemployed

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    “I’m in too much student debt to afford dates.”

    Olivia Garcia, Sales Associate

    Olivia Garcia, Sales Associate

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    Maggie Everett, Graphic Artist

    Maggie Everett, Graphic Artist

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    “I met a nice skeleton when I fell down a well!”

    Jayden Martinez, Tutor

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    “I was lucky enough to have my fringe religious sect assign me a reproductive partner at birth.”

    Liam Smith, Student

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    “I’m actually developing an AI algorithm that can simulate the exact experience of falling in love in virtual space.”

    Emma Brown, Nanny

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    “I just gaslight random people into believing that I’m their wife of 30 years.”

    William Asher, Gig Worker

    William Asher, Gig Worker

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    “I’ve met all my romantic partners by driving a car 200 mph down the road while wearing a blindfold and seeing who I hit.”

    Peyton Highley, Student

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    “I’ve had some luck with websites. They’re like apps, but on the computer.”

    Noah Everett, Social Worker

    Noah Everett, Social Worker

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    “My boyfriend and I met when we were both struck by the same bullet.”

    Sophia Felker, Copywriter

    Sophia Felker, Copywriter

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    “One day I woke up and he was levitating over me, his head spinning in circles.”

    Ava Johnson, Student

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    “By threatening to jump off my dorm and making a move on whichever bleeding heart tries to save me.”

    Brenna Orlen, Office Manager

    Brenna Orlen, Office Manager

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    “I met a lot of people after I went to the hospital because of the lead poisoning I got from my Stanley cup.”

    Samantha Clarke, Student

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    “I just talk to the voices in my head when my mom refuses to give me my brain medicine.”

    Kylie Jenner, TV Personality

    Kylie Jenner, TV Personality

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    “I just let my publicist set me up with whoever.”

    Charlotte Wigley, Unemployed

    Charlotte Wigley, Unemployed

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    “I am a half-elf warrior who always shunned mortal society. That is, until the dark, handsome, and mysterious Zark Tella came along.”

    Austin Norton, UX Designer

    Austin Norton, UX Designer

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    “I climb Mount Destiny and spin the Ancient Wheel of Lust.”

    Brayden Randolph, Credit Analyst

    Brayden Randolph, Credit Analyst

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    “It’s such a boomer move, but choking on a big T-bone steak in the middle of a fancy restaurant is a great way to meet someone who knows the Heimlich maneuver.”

    Hayden Myers, Student

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    “The metaverse, duh. It’s where all the cool teens are!”

    Carter Griffin, Influencer

    Carter Griffin, Influencer

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    “Oh, everyone in Gen Z is so dependent that all of us are just constantly fused together into a sexless pile of flesh.”

    Lucas Patel, Student

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    “I’ve opened myself up to dating things beyond our mortal coil—orbs of light, spirits of unknowable age. You get it.”

    Devin Hartman, Real Estate Developer

    Devin Hartman, Real Estate Developer

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    “I simply look for the individual with a birthmark that spells out the other half of the prophecy.”

    Liam Donovan, Sustainability Influencer

    Liam Donovan, Sustainability Influencer

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    “I’ve cut out all the noise and now just obsessively stalk Zendaya around Los Angeles.”

    Oliver Bennett, Experience Developer

    Oliver Bennett, Experience Developer

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    “I’ve developed a parasocial relationship with a Twitch streamer and just use that to fill the void.”

    Ethan Montgomery, Programmer

    Ethan Montgomery, Programmer

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    “I fire a flare gun up into the heavens and scream, ‘Bring me love!’”

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  • Paul Giamatti’s Lazy Eye Drunkenly Watching Oscars From Corner Of Dive Bar

    Paul Giamatti’s Lazy Eye Drunkenly Watching Oscars From Corner Of Dive Bar

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    NEW YORK—Hunched over a pint of beer, Paul Giamatti’s fake lazy eye from The Holdovers was reportedly drunkenly watching the Oscars broadcast from a corner of the dive bar, sources confirmed Sunday. “Turn it up, turn it up, I can’t hear!” said the prosthetic eyeball, which slurred its words as it tried to tell everyone in the vicinity that it had been invited to the 2024 Academy Awards ceremony, but had chosen to eschew it because everyone was “uptight.” “You guys saw it right? You saw me in The Holdovers? Giamatti’s not going to win. He doesn’t stand a chance. Alexander Payne, he’s the director, he told me I should have been the nominee, but his hands were tied. That’s fine by me. I don’t like the spotlight anyway. I’d rather be here.” At press time, the eyeball was boasting that it was up to be Quasimodo’s eye in the Disney live-action remake of The Hunchback of Notre Dame.

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  • Jake Paul To Fight Mike Tyson

    Jake Paul To Fight Mike Tyson

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    Internet personality turned prizefighter Jake Paul, 27, will box former heavyweight champion Mike Tyson, 57, in a match that will be streamed on Netflix in July. What do you think?

    “What does the dignified world of boxing have to gain from featuring some attention-seeking interloper?”

    Korben Deraney, Well Surveyor

    “I don’t need another reason to cancel my Netflix subscription.”

    Evangeline Murphy, Fad Developer

    “Whatever gives Jake Paul CTE fastest.”

    Chuck Rayford, Allergy Activist

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  • German Man Receives 217 Covid Vaccines

    German Man Receives 217 Covid Vaccines

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    A German man who voluntarily received 217 Covid 19 vaccines in the span of 29 months has experienced no negative health effects, according to researchers, although doctors still do not endorse hyper-vaccination to boost immunity. What do you think?

    “Looks like someone has Pfizer stock.”

    Sandra Bodnar, General Fireproofer

    “Uh oh, now he’s got to get 217 boosters!”

    Doug Rinaldo, Trivia Aggregator

    “Jeez, I can’t imagine getting more than 150.”

    Cyrus Sprecher, unemployed

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  • Pros And Cons Of Voting ‘Uncommitted’ In The Democratic Primary

    Pros And Cons Of Voting ‘Uncommitted’ In The Democratic Primary

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    In last week’s Michigan’s Democratic primary, more than 100,000 voters cast their ballots as “uncommitted” in protest of President Joe Biden’s support for Israel in its war in Gaza. The Onion explores the pros and cons of participating in a protest vote against the 2024 Democratic ticket.

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  • Conservatives Explain Why Casual Sex Should Be Illegal

    Conservatives Explain Why Casual Sex Should Be Illegal

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    After attempts to ban abortion, birth control, and IVF, some people think the next conservative target will be sexual intercourse outside of marriage. The Onion asked conservatives why casual sex should be illegal, and this is what they said.

    Greg Allison, Architect

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    “I am morally opposed to fun.”

    Ryan Thompson, Videographer

    Ryan Thompson, Videographer

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    “Makes it that much hotter knowing it’s illegal.”

    John Myles, Machinist

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    “Hooking up with a floozy at the bar is a good way to get your truck busted up by Carrie Underwood, but I’m not surprised liberals don’t understand.”

    Joyce Washburn, Factory Foreman

    Joyce Washburn, Factory Foreman

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    “The only moral justification for sex is procreation and honeypotting a foreign diplomat.”

    Carrie Marlow, Dog Walker

    Carrie Marlow, Dog Walker

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    “Casual sex only leads to one thing: Natalie Portman and Mila Kunis 2011 rom-coms battling at the box office.”

    Thomas Sayers, Chiropractor

    Thomas Sayers, Chiropractor

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    “For far too long, our legal system has protected people more fuckable than I am.”

    Janie Donaldson, Debt Collector

    Janie Donaldson, Debt Collector

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    “Sex should be between a husband and wife trying to re-spark their love life at a hotel after the Pink concert in Cleveland.”

    Micah O’Toole, Archivist

    Micah O’Toole, Archivist

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    “Can you imagine the chaos that would ensue if everyone stopped logging their intercourse with their town registrar?”

    Ralph Boyd, Sound Technician

    Ralph Boyd, Sound Technician

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    “Dry-humping is more than enough to get me off.”

    Anne Benson, Podiatrist

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    “I just think cops should barge into more bedrooms.”

    Pip Hilber, Retired

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    “Americans don’t take boinking seriously anymore.”

    Jacob Fitzsimmons, Food Safety Technician

    Jacob Fitzsimmons, Food Safety Technician

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    “If our nation spent less time on pube trimming, we’d have more time for war.”

    William Fritz, Credit Analyst

    William Fritz, Credit Analyst

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    “I have a lot of unexamined psychological issues surrounding sex, relationships, and power, and this is the only way I can see to resolve them.”

    Paul Alvarez, Bartender

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    “If you saw my dick, you’d know no one’s touching that thing just for fun.”

    Alyssa Mireles, Cashier

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    “If you have too much casual sex, you could forget how to masturbate.”

    Sam Gerber, Parking Attendant

    Sam Gerber, Parking Attendant

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    “Casual sex takes precious time away from casual racism.”’

    Homer Saldanha, Sales Manager

    Homer Saldanha, Sales Manager

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    “It would be easier to list the things that I don’t think should be illegal.”

    You’ve Made It This Far..

    You’ve Made It This Far..

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  • Marianne Williamson Successfully Primaries Biden In All 63 Counties Of Astral Plane

    Marianne Williamson Successfully Primaries Biden In All 63 Counties Of Astral Plane

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    THE INFINITE—In a dominant electoral showing that stretched across the unified field of consciousness, author and politician Marianne Williamson successfully primaried President Biden Tuesday in all 63 counties of the Astral Plane, according to cosmic sources. “This win is sure to impact Williamson’s candidacy—not just on the Astral Plane, but on all theoretical planes of existence,” said 894Z0LP7, an ethereal projection of a political analyst from the Astral Plane, confirming that Williamson had far surpassed the votes for Biden, Rep. Dean Phillips (D-MN), and Zorbog the Blissful. “All the ballots of the outer dimension have been verified by the all-knowing cosmic egg, and the winner is clear: Williamson earned nearly 99% of the moons and stars from an amorphous population of transcendent souls, crushing the low-vibrating competition across the entire metaphysical vacuum. The incorporeal bodies have spoken—Williamson is the only presidential candidate who will enact real change in the quantum gap between being and nothingness. It’s a major upset for Biden, who will need to manifest a lot more focused psychic energy if he hopes to appeal to atmospheric demographics in the future.” At press time, Williamson’s campaign was attempting to downplay reports that she was polling behind Trump among both spiritual essences and disembodied flesh in the Bardo.

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  • This Week In Entertainment March 02, 2024

    This Week In Entertainment March 02, 2024

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    This Week’s Most Viral News: March 1, 2024

    Disney Unveils New Mass Grave Where Fans Can Be Buried Alive With Favorite Characters Forever

    Biden Gives Americans Nuclear Launch Codes In Case Anything Ever Happens To Him

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  • Biden, Trump Make Separate Border Visits

    Biden, Trump Make Separate Border Visits

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    Joe Biden and Donald Trump took competing visits to the U.S.-Mexico border yesterday, both in an effort to show voters that their stance on immigration is the better one, as the increase in immigration during the last four years has become a primary concern in the 2024 election. What do you think?

    “Just a couple of shoves, and they’re Mexico’s problem.”

    Mahek Beltran, Window Defroster

    “Aw man, this is like your two favorite bands playing on the same night.”

    Mae Valentine, Alpaca Breeder

    “Haven’t the people at the border suffered enough?”

    Willis Brook, systems analyst

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  • Mitch McConnell Donates Body To Lobbyists For Research

    Mitch McConnell Donates Body To Lobbyists For Research

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    WASHINGTON—In what many of his congressional colleagues have described as the most noble act of his storied career, Senate Minority Leader Mitch McConnell (R-KY) announced Thursday that upon his death, he would donate his body to lobbyists for research. “By studying this extraordinary specimen capable of such tremendous feats of opportunism, lobbyists will gain great insights into the human capacity for corruption,” said Don Stewart, McConnell’s deputy chief of staff, explaining that lobbyists would be able to take what they learned from the remains of a seven-term senator without scruple and discover new ways to buy and pay for lawmakers. “They will be asking questions like: How much influence can the human body peddle? Was there something unique in Sen. McConnell’s genetic makeup that allowed him to engage in shameless obstructionism and fight against campaign finance reform for all those decades? And is this a quality that can be replicated in future generations of congressional leaders? The advances for the field of lobbying could be quite profound.” Reached for comment, top D.C. lobbyists said the donation of the senator’s body would finally allow them to pinpoint the exact location of the great emptiness inside of McConnell that could only be filled with cash.

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  • Nation’s Sick Freaks Announce Plans To Get Off On That

    Nation’s Sick Freaks Announce Plans To Get Off On That

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    NEW YORK—Moaning with pleasure as they revealed that this was exactly what Daddy needed, the nation’s sick freaks held a press conference Friday to announce their plans to get off on that. “Oh yeah, baby, that’s exactly the crazy shit that’ll ring our cherries,” said Carl Dabrowski, one of dozens of the nation’s perverted weirdos who went on to lick their lips and mutter under their breath, “Good, good, really fucking good,” as they rubbed an open palm over their own inner thigh. “Gimme some more of that nasty stuff you’re dishing out. Real sicko shit, y’know? Stuff that’d make some people puke. Not me, though. I like it. Oh God, yeah. Fucking got my number there, baby. I’m getting full up like a bull down there. Yum, yum, yum.” At press time, the nation’s sick freaks specified that by “that” they specifically meant Cat Sebastian’s steamy historical romance novel Unmasked By The Marquess.

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  • Sweden To Join NATO

    Sweden To Join NATO

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    Hungary’s parliament voted 188 to 6 in favor of allowing Sweden to join NATO, the final hurdle standing in the way of the Scandinavian country becoming the 32nd member of the military alliance, one year after neighboring Finland was admitted. What do you think?

    “That’s gonna be a big help when we pull out next year.”

    Lucy Moss, Grimoire Expert

    “I feel better knowing Russia will think twice before attacking ABBA.”

    Austin Mabuza, Monologue Editor

    “I finally understood geopolitics and now I have to start all over again.”

    Kris Odling, unemployed

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  • Sherwin-Williams Announces Plan To Phase Out White Paint

    Sherwin-Williams Announces Plan To Phase Out White Paint

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    CLEVELAND—After offering many iterations of the color over its 158 years in business, Sherwin-Williams announced plans Tuesday to phase out all white paint by the end of the month. “We’ve sold a lot of the stuff over the years, but we felt it was time to move on, especially now that so many trendy neutral colors like gray, beige, and taupe are on the scene,” said Marlon Hewes, a representative for the paint manufacturer and retailer, adding that most people who wanted to paint something white had probably already done so by now. “We don’t want to get stuck with a lot of pure white, off-white, eggshell, and alabaster on the shelf, so we figured we ought to quit while we’re ahead. For customers who are dead set on white, though, we’ll still have plenty of yellow, which is pretty close.” At press time, the Biden administration confirmed that due to difficulty obtaining its traditional color during ongoing renovations, the president’s official residence would now be referred to as the Sage Green House.

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  • Satan-Controlled Celebrities, Malia Scorsese, And More: This Week In Entertainment News: February 24, 2024

    Satan-Controlled Celebrities, Malia Scorsese, And More: This Week In Entertainment News: February 24, 2024

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    A collection of the most important entertainment posts of the week

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