Investigative accountants in South Carolina are struggling to explain the existence of an account belonging to the government containing $1.8 billion in cash, with no clear explanation as to where the funds came from or what they were supposed to be allocated for. What do you think?
“Sounds like someone’s police department is about to get an armored tank.”
Milo Reeve, Yam Salesman
Hobby Lobby Announces It Muslim Now
“Too bad South Carolina’s educational, healthcare, infrastructure, and justice systems are already well funded.”
Talha Morrison, Forensic Barber
“Since when does a windfall cash pile require an explanation?”
The Francis Scott Key Bridge collapsed yesterday after a 948-foot cargo ship struck it departing the port, causing the governor to declare a state of emergency. What do you think?
“I’ve always said infrastructure is an unnecessary risk.”
Emil Flocchini, Cubist Landscaper
Hobby Lobby Announces It Muslim Now
“This never would had happened if not for the world’s insatiable lust for cargo.”
Kimberly Gara, Lunch Reviewer
“What is the 73 cents of taxes I pay to infrastructure even being used for?”
While diarrhea is listed as a common side effect, none of the literature tells you that you will experience horrific visions of future wars, famines, and natural disasters every time you have a bowel movement—and worst of all, no one will believe you.
LONDON—Saying the accusations made against him over the years were not just disgusting but patently false, Prince Andrew, Duke of York, told reporters Monday the scandal over his alleged pedophilia was just Buckingham Palace’s attempt to cover up his ongoing battle with cancer. “Sadly, rather than being honest about a very serious threat to my health, my family and its advisors chose to distract the public from my potentially terminal condition by spreading awful rumors that I had slept with young teenage prostitutes,” said the embattled royal, adding that the longstanding allegations that he had engaged in sex with a 17-year-old at Ghislaine Maxwell’s home in London and participated in an orgy with several underage girls on Jeffrey Epstein’s private island were all part of a ploy to keep his tragic diagnosis private. “The truth is, all the witnesses who claim I groped them or sexually assaulted them when they were being trafficked as minors were paid a hefty fee by the palace to keep the spotlight off my long, arduous battle with cancer, which is a terrible disease. A lot worse than being forced to have sex with someone, I should think.” Andrew went on to ask the press for space during this difficult time, saying he was still trying to find the best way to explain his cancer to the many confused and saddened underage women in his life.
Ho, Ho, Ho, A Cabal Of Elite Pedophiles Is Trying To Kill Me!
The Justice Department filed an antitrust lawsuit against Apple, alleging that they engaged in practices to create a monopoly and keep customers reliant on their iPhones. What do you think?
“I’m glad Tim Cook isn’t alive to see this.”
Laylah Estes, Bus Attendant
“I hope those evil bastards get the full slap on the wrist coming to them.”
Alabama Gov. Kay Ivey (R) signed into law a sweeping bill that prohibits public schools and universities from maintaining or funding diversity, equity, and inclusion programs, as well as also requiring public universities to “designate restrooms on the basis of biological sex.” What do you think?
“There’s a severe lack of funding for homogeneity and exclusion programs.”
Andrea Byrd, Theramin Tuner
Perfect 4.0 Student Rejected From University Just For Being White Rapist
“No lady governor’s going to tell me I can’t practice diversity, equity, and inclusion.”
Marco Sharp, Toothpaste Flavorer
“I’m just surprised Alabama has schools to ban DEI in.”
NAPERVILLE, IL—Working quickly and efficiently after the roast beef sandwich he’d been eating unexpectedly began to leak juices from the back, local man Dave Brauer reportedly rushed to strategically hold his dripping food over other food Thursday. “Oh shit, that’s not good,” said Brauer, who, with a mouth full of bread, beef, and various sauces, sprung into action and ensured that not a single drop of delicious sauce, fat, or meat juice fell on a piece of his plate that did not hold a starchy, fried, or dippable side. “Dammit. This soft bread can’t stand up to all these liquids. That’s okay. I’ll just mop it up with my fries. Oh, yeah. That’s good.” At press time, sources confirmed Brauer was despondent after he’d leaned in to take a big bite of his sandwich, only for it to collapse in his hands and cause a large pile of meat to fall directly into his lap.
Fuddruckers Pursues Market Opportunity By Opening 1,000 Locations In Russia
KINGSTON, RI—In a new study of dating trends published Tuesday, researchers at the University of Rhode Island reported that many millennial women were beginning to forgo apps such as Tinder, Bumble, and Hinge in favor of standing on a misty jetty and calling out to sea. “In our survey of single Americans, we found that women expressed a growing dissatisfaction with online dating, preferring instead to place themselves upon a fog-enshrouded seaside bluff where they could await potential mates with arms open wide, their dresses swaying in the brackish wind,” said sociologist Helen David, who conducted extensive interviews with singles between the ages of 28 and 43, discovering that women who deleted dating apps from their phones and attempted the method were six times more likely to meet a passionate, lovelorn wanderer from afar. “This generation appears to have become disillusioned with the superficiality of meeting people online, and we see a broader trend of women returning to old-fashioned methods of matchmaking, such as setups from friends, singles mixers, and whispering ‘Return to me’ into the dark horizon as they stand alone amid the moonlit cliffs along the craggy shore.” David went on to note that the ghostly apparitions of gentle sailors lost at sea, however, still overwhelmingly preferred to use Tinder.
Removed Notre Dame Scaffolding Reveals Construction Crew Accidentally Built Mosque
LAS VEGAS—Now in the eighth year of his long-term residency at the resort, pop star Bruno Mars reportedly owes the Park MGM $50 million after having assumed since 2016 that the casino cocktails were complimentary. “They’re supposed to be free, right—at least while you’re gambling?” asked the “Uptown Funk” singer, claiming that bar staff across the Las Vegas hotel’s casino, restaurants, and poolside bars never mentioned a tab when offering him another round of drinks, nor did they ever ask for his room number. “I don’t even remember putting a credit card down. They always just said, ‘Very well, Mr. Mars,’ and brought another tray of drinks over. What a scam! If I’d known they were charging me, I would have stuck to the cheap stuff. I’m definitely going to need them to show me an itemized bill for everything before I check out.” Mars later confirmed that where the Park MGM really got him was with the mini bar’s $12 bags of macadamia nuts, which he had been eating continuously for almost a decade.
Removed Notre Dame Scaffolding Reveals Construction Crew Accidentally Built Mosque
MARYVILLE, TN—Noting a marked shift in vibe, local dog Bailey confirmed Monday that he felt like everyone was looking at him differently ever since he swallowed a chipmunk whole. “I don’t know why, but it just seems like ever since I downed that chipmunk in one bite everyone has been super weird with me,” said the Labrador mix, claiming that his owners were more on edge around him and less likely to cuddle after he polished off the rodent with a single gulp. “They have no reason to act so uneasy. I only ate the chipmunk because they hadn’t fed me yet that day, and I was a bit hungry. It’s not that big of a deal. I mean, no one said anything when I ate an entire bird.” At press time, Bailey vomited up the chipmunk’s half-digested body in hopes it would make everyone more comfortable around him.
Kamala Harris toured a Planned Parenthood that offers abortion services, the first vice president to do so, where she delivered a speech defending reproductive rights. What do you think?
“Probably good for her to have feelers out for other jobs.”
Sid Barrera, Trinket Designer
Men Explain How They Think An Abortion Works
“So that’s why there were a bunch of reporters at my abortion.”
WASHINGTON—Her mind spinning as she poured over the sheaf of papers, Vice President Kamala Harris reportedly discovered classified documents Friday revealing that she is an android created by the DNC. “Wha—no, it can’t be,” said Harris, whose mouth hung open in shock, too horrified to scream after accidentally stumbling upon a blueprint in a musty cabinet in a back room of the West Wing for a humanoid robot labeled ‘K. Harris Model 3.’ “That looks like me. But, but, I’m me. Right? What about my parents? My memories? I thought I was a child once—wasn’t I?” At press time, a horrified Harris had startled and dropped the documents after Biden suddenly appeared behind her in the doorway.
Biden Asks Americans To Come Sit By Him And Keep Him Company Until The End
A Nebraska woman was arrested for double-swiping her gas rewards card for months, taking advantage of a glitch that allowed her to get almost $28,000 worth of gas for free. What do you think?
“It’s sickening to see someone take advantage of an innocent fossil fuel company.”
Jose Markis, Bible Assembler
Women Explain How They’d Like To Have Their Bodies Restricted Next
“Doesn’t she know exploitative loopholes are only for the 1%?”
Leyla Mccarthy, Mortgage Approver
“So you’re telling me it’s possible to acquire things through less-than-honest means?”
Former Boeing employee John Barnett was found dead in his car from an apparent “self-inflicted gunshot wound” on the day he was set to be cross-examined about allegations he’d made regarding the company’s grave safety breaches on the production line. What do you think?
“Does Boeing have plans to hire another whistleblower?”
Benjamin Hayes • Fibula Expert
Women Explain How They’d Like To Have Their Bodies Restricted Next
“As much as I’d like to say this is a conspiracy, Boeing has paid me not to.”
Leo Morgan • Band Leader
“I guess you really are more likely to die in a car than a plane.”
After releasing a Mother’s Day photo of her and her children that immediately drew skepticism due to several glaring Photoshop errors, Kate Middleton, Princess of Wales, admitted that “Like many amateur photographers, [she does] occasionally experiment with editing.” What do you think?
“My god, who knows what other software she’s been learning?”
Taliyah Ortega, Salt Inspector
Zelensky Challenges Putin To Settle Ukraine War On The Dance Floor
