NAPERVILLE, IL—Working quickly and efficiently after the roast beef sandwich he’d been eating unexpectedly began to leak juices from the back, local man Dave Brauer reportedly rushed to strategically hold his dripping food over other food Thursday. “Oh shit, that’s not good,” said Brauer, who, with a mouth full of bread, beef, and various sauces, sprung into action and ensured that not a single drop of delicious sauce, fat, or meat juice fell on a piece of his plate that did not hold a starchy, fried, or dippable side. “Dammit. This soft bread can’t stand up to all these liquids. That’s okay. I’ll just mop it up with my fries. Oh, yeah. That’s good.” At press time, sources confirmed Brauer was despondent after he’d leaned in to take a big bite of his sandwich, only for it to collapse in his hands and cause a large pile of meat to fall directly into his lap.
