ReportWire

Tag: The Onion

  • Florida Bans Local Heat Protections For Outdoor Workers

    Florida Bans Local Heat Protections For Outdoor Workers

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    Gov. Ron DeSantis (R) signed a bill preventing local Florida governments from requiring heat protection for people working outdoors, such as in construction or agriculture, becoming the second state to adopt such a law after Texas. What do you think?

    “They’re welcome to bring their own clouds from home.”

    Alyssa Lindestaf, Chief Extortionist

    Financial Problems Force Ron DeSantis Campaign To Fire Wife

    “Will nothing stop DeSantis’s unquenchable thirst for human sweat?”

    Prakhar Sabbat, Gym Attendant

    “Skin is protection enough.”

    Ray DeMartino, unemployed

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  • Trump’s Criminal Trial In Manhattan Begins

    Trump’s Criminal Trial In Manhattan Begins

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    Donald Trump began his trial in Manhattan this week in the case regarding his hush money payments to cover up his affair with porn star Stormy Daniels, marking the first time a former American president has faced a criminal trial. What do you think?

    “Can we go one day without our republic being tested?”

    Jim Bevel, Paramedic

    Updated Texas Sex Ed Curriculum Instructs Children How To Stone Whores

    “What better way to connect with voters than through a jury pool?”

    Lester Farooq, Anxiety Specialist

    “I feel like the ‘hush money’ didn’t do its job here.”

    Ella Tamas Palate Cleaner

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  • Travis Kelce Impresses Coachella Crowd By Tossing Taylor Swift 50 Feet Across Grounds

    Travis Kelce Impresses Coachella Crowd By Tossing Taylor Swift 50 Feet Across Grounds

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    INDIO, CA—In a viral video clip that left fans fawning over the celebrity couple, Travis Kelce reportedly tossed Taylor Swift 50 feet across the festival grounds at Coachella Saturday night. “He picked her up and hurled her like it was nothing,” said 25-year-old Brooke Renny, just one of dozens of festivalgoers who captured cell phone footage of the Kansas City Chiefs tight end as he held the pop star over his head, spun 360 degrees, and then sent her hurtling over the crowd. “You could tell she was saying ‘Throw me! Throw me!’ into his ear, and then he did. He whipped her across the grounds so easily—it was so cute. She just went soaring over the heads of everyone in the crowd.” At press time, Renny was gushing over another viral video that showed Kelce spiking Swift into the ground.

    Chiefs Fans Try To Name A Single Taylor Swift Song

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  • This Week In Breaking News April 13, 2024

    This Week In Breaking News April 13, 2024

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  • This Week In Local April 13, 2024

    This Week In Local April 13, 2024

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  • Kansas City Chiefs Superfan ‘ChiefsAholic’ To Pay $10.8 Million For Bank Robbery

    Kansas City Chiefs Superfan ‘ChiefsAholic’ To Pay $10.8 Million For Bank Robbery

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    Xaviar Michael Babudar, known for attending Kansas City Chiefs games dressed as a wolf and going by the name “ChiefsAholic”, was sentenced to pay a bank teller $10.8 million in damages after an armed robbery of an Oklahoma credit union. What do you think?

    “Let’s see if Patrick Mahomes steps up to help a fan in need.”

    Diego Armin, Rug Tasseler

    This Week’s Most Viral News: April 5, 2024

    “It’s chilling how criminal urges can be hidden just beneath the surface of a visibly insane person.”

    Jocelyn Bobowski, Waterfowl Expert

    “The judge is clearly a Bills fan.”

    Peter Hauser, Lunch Innovator

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  • Nation’s Moms Announce Salads Can Be Very Filling

    Nation’s Moms Announce Salads Can Be Very Filling

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    WEATOGUE, CT—Delivering the message just as their daughters were getting ready to order lunch, the nation’s moms called a press conference Wednesday to announce aloud to no one in particular that salads can be very filling. “Maybe order one and see if you’re still hungry after that—you can always order more,” said Lane Peterson, speaking on behalf of all mothers in the United States as she gestured toward the salad section of a restaurant menu and remarked upon how tasty each of them looked. “I don’t even think I could finish a whole Caesar by myself. Not that there’s any pressure to finish the whole thing. I wonder who would need to add chicken breast to all that lettuce? Ooh, look! The spinach one with raisins has dessert built right in! I’m going to get the Cobb salad, though—as long as I can get it without the cheese, bacon, egg, or dressing. It’s much too early in the day for anything heavier. That’s just me, though. You should get whatever you like.” At press time, the nation’s moms were overheard making sure the servers knew that under no circumstance should a crouton appear on any dish at their table.

    Green Giant Unveils New Lettuce That You Can Put Wig On And Pretend Is Your Wife

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  • Morgan Wallan Arrested For Throwing Chair Off 6-Story Bar

    Morgan Wallan Arrested For Throwing Chair Off 6-Story Bar

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    Country music singer Morgan Wallen was arrested after throwing a chair off the roof of a newly six-story bar in downtown Nashville, with the chair landing three feet from police officers. What do you think?

    “You’re telling me they’ve been allowed to arrest white men this whole time?”

    Diego Gardner, Vibe Supervisor

    This Week’s Most Viral News: April 5, 2024

    “Great scientists are always persecuted in their own time.”

    Ian Salazar, Aspiring Doorman

    “We should count ourselves lucky nobody got killed by those police officers.”

    Regina Friedman, Gravel Tycoon

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  • Really Tall Guy Blocks View Of Solar Eclipse

    Really Tall Guy Blocks View Of Solar Eclipse

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    KERRVILLE, TX—Exasperated with the view from the place they were standing to observe the astronomical event, local spectators complained Monday that really tall guy Matt Everett was blocking everyone’s view of the total solar eclipse. “Goddammit, this thing only lasts a few minutes—can’t he at least sit down?” said Garett Pointer, 5′ 8″, who was seen craning his neck around Everett, 6′ 5″, in an attempt to get a better look as the moon passed between the earth and the sun. “This is my last chance to see once of these things until 2044, and I wind up stuck behind Abe fucking Lincoln. Just my luck. And the asshole isn’t even paying attention! He’s been staring at his phone the whole time.” At press time, the total eclipse had reportedly become even more difficult to view after Everett’s girlfriend decided to perch atop his shoulders.

    This Week’s Most Viral News: April 5, 2024

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  • Trump’s Bible, Existential Researchers, And More: This Week In Breaking News April 6, 2024

    Trump’s Bible, Existential Researchers, And More: This Week In Breaking News April 6, 2024

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  • Beta Males, Verbal Altercations, And More: This Week In Local News April 6, 2024

    Beta Males, Verbal Altercations, And More: This Week In Local News April 6, 2024

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  • $30 Million In Cash Stolen From L.A. Money Storage Facility

    $30 Million In Cash Stolen From L.A. Money Storage Facility

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    On the night of Easter Sunday, burglars entered the vault of a facility in San Fernando Valley where cash for businesses across the region is stored, bypassing the alarms and making off with an estimated $30 million in cash. What do you think?

    “Be on the lookout for anyone trying to buy something with cash.”

    Helen Sweeney, Rebranding Consultant

    This Week’s Most Viral News: April 5, 2024

    “By now they’ve already sold that cash on the black market.”

    Michael Deweerth, Conversation Pivoter

    “The joke will be on them when they realize money doesn’t buy happiness.”

    Gus Moen, Textiles Expert

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  • This Week’s Most Viral News: April 5, 2024

    This Week’s Most Viral News: April 5, 2024

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  • $5 Umbrella Doing The Best It Can, All Right?

    $5 Umbrella Doing The Best It Can, All Right?

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    NEW YORK—Shaking violently under the barrage of an afternoon downpour, a $5 umbrella purchased at 49th Deli Grocery confirmed Thursday that it was doing the best it could, all right? “Look, I’m sorry—I wish I were made out of more durable material, too, but I’m trying here, okay?” said the visibly rattled umbrella, which stressed that despite its cheap, flimsy plastic canopy and already-cracked handle, it was doing everything it could under extraordinarily difficult circumstances. “I didn’t ask for a frame that flips inside-out every other block. I didn’t tell the Indonesian sweatshop worker who put me together to make sure I stain the hand of anyone who holds me. But that’s who I am. And I can’t change that at this point. So I’m going to continue protecting you from 10 to 15% of this rain, and that’s got to count for something, goddammit, right? Right?” At press time, the increasingly defensive umbrella warned that if it kept being pushed to its limit, it couldn’t be held responsible if its metal handle cut the shit out of someone’s hand.

    This Week’s Most Viral News: March 29, 2024

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  • 8 Tardy Passengers Stranded After Cruise Captain Refuses To Let Them Board

    8 Tardy Passengers Stranded After Cruise Captain Refuses To Let Them Board

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    Eight passengers on a Norwegian cruise, including a pregnant woman, a paraplegic traveler, and an 80-year-old who had been receiving emergency medical treatment at port, were not permitted back aboard the still-docked ship because they were late, leaving them to travel through six countries over land trying to meet back up with the cruise. What do you think?

    “Did the 15-minute orientation video mean nothing to these people?”

    Justine Osborne, Cloud Watcher

    This Week’s Most Viral News: March 29, 2024

    “That just means I get to the buffet eight people faster.”

    Dawid Vu, Warning Designer

    “Would a round of free drinks help?”

    Lyndon Burch, Radio Technician

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  • This Year’s Cicada Emergence Could Be Largest In Centuries

    This Year’s Cicada Emergence Could Be Largest In Centuries

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    Both 13- and 17-year cicadas are due to emerge simultaneously this year for the first time since 1803, with an estimated 1 million cicadas per acre across 16 states coming out of diapause this spring. What do you think?

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  • U.S. To Update Race, Ethnicity Categories For First Time In 27 Years

    U.S. To Update Race, Ethnicity Categories For First Time In 27 Years

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    The U.S. government is updating its categories for race and ethnicity on forms such as the census for the first time in 27 years, adding more options including “Middle Eastern” and “North African” as well as allowing respondents to check more than one box. What do you think?

    “There are apparently a lot more ethnicities to fear than I thought.”

    Neal Acosta, White Noise Musician

    This Week’s Most Viral News: March 29, 2024

    “I’ll be the one to decide what race other people are, thank you.”

    Braydon Lang, unemployed

    “I’m checking every box just to be safe.”

    Adele Gross, Tantric Psychiatrist

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  • Kids Excitedly Shake Easter Eggs Next To Ear To Find Ones Hiding Ham

    Kids Excitedly Shake Easter Eggs Next To Ear To Find Ones Hiding Ham

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    BROOKLINE, MA—Letting out joyful screams as they rushed into a neighbor’s yard for the annual hunt, local kids excitedly picked up Easter eggs Sunday, shaking them next to their ears to more efficiently find the ones containing ham. “Shake it and listen for the wet-sounding slap,” said 8-year-old Timmy Lawson, advising his younger sister on the best way to locate the neon plastic eggs brimming with the most valuable salted-and-cured loot. “If it sounds like metal, it’s probably just some stupid coins so keep on moving. There’s only, like, four that have meat in them, but you can usually tell which direction to head based on where squirrels, rats, and birds are hanging out. Just make sure you grab them tight because the ham grease makes them slippery, and there will certainly be another kid following close behind in case you drop it.” At press time, Lawson’s 5-year-old sister was seen crying after he tricked her into trading a ham egg for one full of worthless candy.

    How To Carve A Spooky Easter Egg

     

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  • Ozempic, Prince Andrew, And More: This Week In Breaking News March 30, 2024

    Ozempic, Prince Andrew, And More: This Week In Breaking News March 30, 2024

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  • Sam Bankman-Fried Sentenced To 25 Years In Prison

    Sam Bankman-Fried Sentenced To 25 Years In Prison

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    Crypto mogul and former CEO of FTX Sam Bankman-Fried was sentenced to 25 years in prison for defrauding hundreds of thousands of customers, leaving investors and lenders short by more than $11 billion. What do you think?

    “It’s such a shame, by the time he gets out, he’ll have no idea what all the new scams are.”

    Alana Patterson, Slum Developer

    This Week’s Most Viral News: March 29, 2024

    “Sooner or later, crypto was going to attract someone only interested in making a quick buck.”

    Keaton Singh, Boiling Water Attendant

    “There’s no way he can compete with all that alternate prison currency.”

    Melanie Potts, Unemployed

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