WEATOGUE, CT—Delivering the message just as their daughters were getting ready to order lunch, the nation’s moms called a press conference Wednesday to announce aloud to no one in particular that salads can be very filling. “Maybe order one and see if you’re still hungry after that—you can always order more,” said Lane Peterson, speaking on behalf of all mothers in the United States as she gestured toward the salad section of a restaurant menu and remarked upon how tasty each of them looked. “I don’t even think I could finish a whole Caesar by myself. Not that there’s any pressure to finish the whole thing. I wonder who would need to add chicken breast to all that lettuce? Ooh, look! The spinach one with raisins has dessert built right in! I’m going to get the Cobb salad, though—as long as I can get it without the cheese, bacon, egg, or dressing. It’s much too early in the day for anything heavier. That’s just me, though. You should get whatever you like.” At press time, the nation’s moms were overheard making sure the servers knew that under no circumstance should a crouton appear on any dish at their table.
