Singer and trained flutist Lizzo played a 200-year-old crystal flute made for President James Madison at her show in Washington, D.C., the instrument on loan fro the Library of Congress, which has the largest flute collection in the world. What do you think?
“We all know he put that thing down after two months of lessons anyway.”
Eric Haffey, Insole Beveler
“I can’t support her anymore if she’s going to play a racist old white man’s flute.”
Millie Craig. Assistant Handyman
“What a nice, non-upsetting thing that I’m sure no one will be up in arms about.”
Five members of the Oath Keepers, including founder Stewart Rhodes, are being tried in federal court for their role in the riots of Jan. 6, 2021. The Onion tells you everything you need to know about the Oath Keepers and their trial.
Q: Who are the Oath Keepers? A: A group of patriotic citizens dedicated to defending the racist parts of the Constitution.
Q: What are the five members on trial for? A: Seditious conspiracy to overthrow the government of the United States and littering.
Q: What were they doing at the Jan. 6 riot? A: Peacefully attempting to hang Mike Pence.
Q: What do the Oath Keepers look for in a member? A: Previous experience as a law enforcement officer who served lots of time on administrative leave.
Q: Who is their founder? A: Stewart Rhodes, who believes citizens must stop government tyranny with citizen tyranny.
Q: Wait, that guy really went to Yale? A: Point to Harvard.
Q: What are membership dues? A: Five to 10 years in federal prison.
Q: Why are so many members former law enforcement? A: Once you get used to carrying guns and scaring people, it’s hard to stop.
Q: How are they connected to the 2014 Bundy ranch standoff? A: Many of Bundy’s cattle were early members of the Oath Keepers.
Q: What are the expected consequences for the group? A: Winning a dozen or so seats in Congress in 2024.
NASA’s DART mission has successfully slammed a spacecraft into the asteroid Dimorphos, in a kinetic impact test to redirect the space rock, which may be needed if an asteroid is ever on track to hit Earth. What do you think?
“Pretty optimistic to think that Earth has a future to protect.”
Marta McGibboney, Leaflet Distributor
“Dang, too bad the Cretaceous megafauna didn’t think of this.”
Markus Pockette, Publican
“I don’t think my tax dollars should be wasted defending Earth.”
