ReportWire

Tag: The Onion

  • U.K. Prime Minister Liz Truss Steps Down After 6 Weeks

    U.K. Prime Minister Liz Truss Steps Down After 6 Weeks

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    U.K. Prime Minister Liz Truss resigned after 44 days in office after a failed tax-cutting budget that rocked financial markets and led to a revolt within her own Conservative Party, giving her the shortest PM tenure in U.K. history. What do you think?

    “Call me old-fashioned, but whatever happened to barricading yourself in your office with a gun?”

    Phil O’Connell, Fly Rail Operator

    “Six weeks is ample time to realize that Britain isn’t worth saving.”

    Randal Lam, Freelance Companion

    “Very unwise to quit her job in this economy she tanked.” 

    Emilia Leonard, Penologist

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  • James Corden Breaks Silence On Restaurant Controversy: ‘I Like To Find Stray Dogs And Suffocate Them To Death’

    James Corden Breaks Silence On Restaurant Controversy: ‘I Like To Find Stray Dogs And Suffocate Them To Death’

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    NEW YORK—Addressing an accusation that he was “the most abusive customer” at New York restaurant Balthazar, Late Late Show host James Corden finally broke his silence Friday to confirm that he enjoys finding stray dogs and choking them until they die. “The rush I feel when watching the light leave a poor struggling dog’s eyes is truly my life’s greatest pleasure—I’ve been doing it since I was a child, and I am never going to stop,” said the 44-year-old comedian, who, when prodded for comment on his temporary ban from the upscale establishment for alleged rudeness toward staff over an omelet, remarked that he spends his free time roaming the streets of Los Angeles and eagerly crushing the neck of every dog he encounters. “To truly rejoice in the experience of snuffing out the life of an innocent creature, I prefer to cuddle a small puppy in my lap and sing it a little show tune before drawing the cord tightly around its neck. It’s incredibly arousing, especially when I skin them alive and cover my face in their blood. Sometimes on the weekends I’ll just take out a heavy-duty garbage bag and see how many I can find.” After parrying several follow-up questions about his serial murder of dogs, Corden finally stated that he hadn’t “done anything wrong, on any level” and that the whole matter was really quite silly and beneath him.

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  • Americans Predict The Outcome Of The January 6 Hearings

    Americans Predict The Outcome Of The January 6 Hearings

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    The House Select Committee investigating the Jan. 6 Capitol riot concluded its ninth and potentially final hearing last week with a subpoena of former President Donald Trump. The Onion polled all 330 million Americans for their predictions on what will be the most significant outcome of the Jan. 6 hearings.

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  • Late Night Host James Corden Briefly Banned From Restaurant For ‘Abusive’ Behavior

    Late Night Host James Corden Briefly Banned From Restaurant For ‘Abusive’ Behavior

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    A popular New York City restaurant rescinded its brief ban on Late Late Show host James Corden, who reportedly apologized after the establishment’s owner called him one of the restaurant’s “most abusive customers.” What do you think?

    “Oh, so we’re accepting apologies now?”

    Ramiro Garofolo, Cable Splicer

    “The power of having the least-popular late-night show would go to anyone’s head.”

    Debora Davis, Breakroom Supervisor

    “I’d also be irritated if I had to live every day as James Corden.”

    Irwin Burgess, Breeze Analyst

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  • Exhausted Couple Relieved Toddler Finally Asleep So They Can Talk Shit About Her

    Exhausted Couple Relieved Toddler Finally Asleep So They Can Talk Shit About Her

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    OAK BROOK, IL—Exchanging weary glances as their child closed her eyes and began to breathe slowly, exhausted couple Janet and Anthony Grisham reportedly expressed relief Tuesday after their toddler fell asleep and they could finally talk shit about her. “Oh my God, I was starting to worry she’d never actually go down—seriously, was it just me, or would that bitch not shut the fuck up?” Janet Grisham said to her husband, adding that even though she loved their 2-year-old daughter Brittany and had known her “fucking forever,” that didn’t change the fact that she was super immature, clingy, and somehow able to ruin almost any social situation she entered. “Honestly, I love Brittany to death, and you know she’s my ride or die, but she’s also a total goddamned train wreck. She can’t go out without puking. She’s always slurring her words. And she’s kind of a fucking psycho, honestly. One minute she likes apples, and the next she doesn’t? God, sometimes I just want to smack her.” At press time, the Grishams could still be heard bitching about how much more fun they would have if they weren’t stuck with Brittany as their daughter, all while their toddler was listening quietly from the top of the stairs.

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  • FDA Announces Adderall Shortage

    FDA Announces Adderall Shortage

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    The FDA has confirmed a nationwide shortage of the attention-deficit/hyperactivity disorder medication Adderall due to manufacturing issues, with the shortage expected to last through the end of the year. What do you think?

    “Pretty sure meth’s still in stock.”

    Miles Seelbach, Crypto Banker

    “Between this and the formula shortage, what am I supposed to feed my baby?”

    Anita Santana, Cannoneer

    “I guess I have to go back to bribing teachers.”

    Hank Schilsky, Content Aggregator

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  • Week In Review: October 16, 2022

    Week In Review: October 16, 2022

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    Progressive Alabama School District Teaches Students That Every Race The Master Race In Own Way

    Progressive Alabama School District Teaches Students That Every Race The Master Race In Own Way

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    Promising Journalism Student Already Self-Censoring To Parrot Corporate Talking Points

    Promising Journalism Student Already Self-Censoring To Parrot Corporate Talking Points

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    Study Finds Over Half Of Blind Americans With Walking Sticks Covert Assassins

    Study Finds Over Half Of Blind Americans With Walking Sticks Covert Assassins

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    Conservative Man Proudly Frightened Of Everything

    Conservative Man Proudly Frightened Of Everything

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    Billionaire Writes Name On Cup Of Adrenochrome So He Won’t Forget Which One His

    Billionaire Writes Name On Cup Of Adrenochrome So He Won’t Forget Which One His

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    Herschel Walker Campaign Email Cites Urgent Need For Donations To Fund Abortions

    Herschel Walker Campaign Email Cites Urgent Need For Donations To Fund Abortions

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    Jordan Peterson Disgusted By Society Celebrating 2,560-Pound Minnesota Pumpkin

    Jordan Peterson Disgusted By Society Celebrating 2,560-Pound Minnesota Pumpkin

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    Cop Clearly Only Pulled Over Driver To Reach Monthly Kill Quota

    Cop Clearly Only Pulled Over Driver To Reach Monthly Kill Quota

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    Considerate Woman Informs Masturbating Stranger His Fly Is Down

    Considerate Woman Informs Masturbating Stranger His Fly Is Down

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    Leaked Documents Reveal CIA Secretly Flooded White Communities With Vegetables

    Leaked Documents Reveal CIA Secretly Flooded White Communities With Vegetables

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    Best Bios From The Conservatives-Only Online Dating Site ‘The Right Stuff’

    Best Bios From The Conservatives-Only Online Dating Site ‘The Right Stuff’

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    Raytheon Unveils Missile Capable Of Targeting And Scuffing Up Jordans

    Raytheon Unveils Missile Capable Of Targeting And Scuffing Up Jordans

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    Sean Hannity Plays Voicemail From His Dad Calling Him A Piece Of Shit To Demonstrate Healthy Father–Son Relationship

    Sean Hannity Plays Voicemail From His Dad Calling Him A Piece Of Shit To Demonstrate Healthy Father–Son Relationship

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    Manifesto Sounds Stupid Out Loud

    Manifesto Sounds Stupid Out Loud

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    Ron Johnson Shows He’s Tough On Crime By Hanging Bread Thief In Town Square

    Ron Johnson Shows He’s Tough On Crime By Hanging Bread Thief In Town Square

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    Positive Pregnancy Test Immediately Sprouts Robotic Legs, Scans Woman’s Face With Laser

    Positive Pregnancy Test Immediately Sprouts Robotic Legs, Scans Woman’s Face With Laser

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    Reanimated Corpse Of John Lennon Wishes He Could Go Out In Public Without Fans Pointing And Screaming

    Reanimated Corpse Of John Lennon Wishes He Could Go Out In Public Without Fans Pointing And Screaming

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    Report Finds Russian Hackers Gained Access To Millions Of Metaverse Legs

    Report Finds Russian Hackers Gained Access To Millions Of Metaverse Legs

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    Arizonans Explain Why They Are Voting For Kari Lake

    Arizonans Explain Why They Are Voting For Kari Lake

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  • Positive Pregnancy Test Immediately Sprouts Robotic Legs, Scans Woman’s Face With Laser

    Positive Pregnancy Test Immediately Sprouts Robotic Legs, Scans Woman’s Face With Laser

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    DALLAS—Releasing the appendages from its sides after two pink lines appeared in the results window, a positive pregnancy test was said to have immediately sprouted robotic legs Thursday before scanning local woman Trish Nehorai’s face with a laser. “Identity: Trish Nehorai,” confirmed the Clearblue stick, its once-concealed ‘transmission progress’ lights illuminating as the test leapt from one surface to another to avoid the terrified Nehorai, who attempted to swat at it with her hands.“Transferring biometrics to law enforcement. Transfer complete. Trish Nehorai: Your pregnancy has been successfully registered with the state. Congratulations.” At press time, the pregnancy test had reportedly reassembled itself into an ankle bracelet and clamped onto Nehorai, with the purpose of delivering a high-voltage shock if the woman attempted to go within 100 feet of an abortion clinic.

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  • So-Called ‘Self-Made’ Billionaires Who Actually Grew Up Wealthy

    So-Called ‘Self-Made’ Billionaires Who Actually Grew Up Wealthy

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    While the 1% may think they made their own fortunes, it’s more than likely that they had wealthy parents. Here are the so-called “self-made” billionaires who actually grew up privileged.

    Read more…

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  • Promising Journalism Student Already Self-Censoring To Parrot Corporate Talking Points

    Promising Journalism Student Already Self-Censoring To Parrot Corporate Talking Points

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    EVANSTON, IL—Finding it impressive that a young and largely inexperienced writer could create such professional work, journalism professors at Northwestern University reportedly praised a promising student Monday for his proficiency in parroting corporate talking points. “Incredible! Martin is watering down the facts to appease company shareholders at a level that took me years to achieve,” Medill School of Journalism professor Ronald Simpson said of a first-year graduate student, remarking that he “clearly has what it takes” to push corporate agendas for a major metropolitan newspaper after graduation. “Typically, it takes years to unlearn journalistic ethics, but this student is way ahead of the curve in terms of silencing his own skepticism in favor of regurgitating quotes from those in power. In one piece alone, he seamlessly wove a Democratic operative’s vague response to a sex scandal with sponsored content for Buick—and somehow avoided saying anything at all despite writing 1,800 words on the matter. He hasn’t even taken the coursework on finding and obscuring questionable sources yet, but he’s already quoting his parents’ powerful friends in stories over and over again without disclosing the personal connection. It’s both refreshing and inspiring to find such militant obedience in a young student.” At press time, Simpson was said to have teared up when the student turned in a word-for-word reproduction of a police department press release as his final project in an investigative journalism class.

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  • Biden Pardons Thousands Convicted Of Marijuana Possession

    Biden Pardons Thousands Convicted Of Marijuana Possession

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    President Joe Biden has taken executive action to change U.S. policy on marijuana, pardoning all prior federal offenses of simple marijuana possession, while also urging state governors to follow suit and asking federal officials to start a review process of how marijuana is classified. What do you think?

    “Sounds like Biden’s dealer got picked up.”

    Tommy York, Power Distributor

    “If we legalize marijuana possession, then people are only going to get harder drugs planted on them by the police.”

    Sonja Riley, Scale Operator

    “Doesn’t this just let innocent people off the hook?”

    Fredric Holden, Warrant Server

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  • HelloFresh Announces Collaboration To Discreetly Deliver McDonald’s In Its Packaging

    HelloFresh Announces Collaboration To Discreetly Deliver McDonald’s In Its Packaging

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    NEW YORK—In a groundbreaking deal expected to revolutionize the way upper-middle-class Americans consume fast food, meal-kit company HelloFresh announced a new collaboration Friday that would allow it to discreetly deliver McDonald’s in its own HelloFresh packaging. “We know how much our customers value the appearance of living a healthy lifestyle, so we’re thrilled to provide them with the opportunity to confidentially receive a Big Mac, large fries, and their favorite soft drink inside one of our standard HelloFresh boxes,” said spokesperson Kennedy Seaton, explaining that all fast-food items would be concealed within styrofoam and buried in ice packs, just in case a neighbor was around when a customer opened the box. “This new partnership means we can disguise your McDonald’s order with one of our regular HelloFresh recipes, so that as far as anyone can tell, you’ll be preparing grilled chicken with fresh asparagus instead of eating a McChicken sandwich from a sack. What better way is there to be perceived as a responsible, health-conscious person?” At press time, reports confirmed the neighbors of people who ordered McDonald’s through HelloFresh could smell the just-delivered Quarter Pounder with Cheese from clear across the street.

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  • Man Starting To Suspect Chess Opponent With All Queens Hustling Him

    Man Starting To Suspect Chess Opponent With All Queens Hustling Him

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    NEW YORK—Questioning whether the other player had misrepresented his skill level, local man Victor Luongo told reporters Tuesday he was starting to suspect his chess opponent with all queens was hustling him. “He insisted when we were laying down money on this game that he wasn’t very good, but we’re only a dozen moves in, and his 16 queens have already taken a bunch of my pieces,” said Luongo, who sat across from his adversary at an outdoor table in Washington Square Park, adding that he began to suspect something was fishy when he noticed his side of the board didn’t have a queen or any bishops. “I used an Italian opening, which I figured would put me in an easy position to defeat a player as bad as this guy was making himself out to be. Then the guy moved his queen to a position where I was easily able to take it with my knight, and I admit I started feeling kind of sorry for him. But soon he took my knight with another queen, and then he took my other knight with a third queen. After that, he put me in check with a fourth queen, and all of a sudden he had the advantage. I know in chess one player has all the queens, but it’s pretty frustrating to think that he’s taking me for a ride.” At press time, Luongo reportedly realized he wasn’t being hustled after all when he checkmated his opponent.

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  • The Onion files a (real) Supreme Court brief in defense of parody

    The Onion files a (real) Supreme Court brief in defense of parody

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    The Onion has some serious things to say in defense of parody.

    The satirical site that manages to persuade people to believe the absurd has filed a 23-page Supreme Court brief in support of a man who was arrested and prosecuted for making fun of police on social media.

    “As the globe’s premier parodists, The Onion’s writers also have a self-serving interest in preventing political authorities from imprisoning humorists,” lawyers for the Onion wrote in a brief filed Monday. “This brief is submitted in the interest of at least mitigating their future punishment.”

    The court filing doesn’t entirely keep a straight face, calling the federal judiciary “total Latin dorks.”

    The Onion said it employs 350,000 people, is read by 4.3 trillion people and “has grown into the single most powerful and influential organization in human history.”

    The Supreme Court case involves Anthony Novak, who was arrested after he spoofed the Parma, Ohio, police force in Facebook posts.

    The posts were published over 12 hours and included an announcement of new police hiring “strongly encouraging minorities to not apply.” Another post promoted a fake event in which child sex offenders could be “removed from the sex offender registry and accepted as an honorary police officer.”

    After being acquitted of criminal charges, the man sued the police for violating his constitutional rights. But a federal appeals court ruled the officers have “qualified immunity” and threw out the lawsuit.

    One issue is whether people might reasonably have believed that what they saw on Novak’s site was real.

    But the Onion said Novak had no obligation to post a disclaimer. “Put simply, for parody to work, it has to plausibly mimic the original,” the Onion said, noting its own tendency to mimic “the dry tone of an Associated Press news story.”

    More than once, people have republished the Onion’s claims as true, including when it reported in 2012 that North Korean leader Kim Jong Un was the sexiest man alive.

    The brief concludes with a familiar call for the court to hear the case and a twist.

    “The petition for certiorari should be granted, the rights of the people vindicated, and various historical wrongs remedied. The Onion would welcome any one of the three, particularly the first,” lawyers for the Onion wrote.

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  • Florida Republicans Vote Against Hurricane Relief

    Florida Republicans Vote Against Hurricane Relief

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    Florida Rep. Matt Gaetz and Florida Sen. Rick Scott voted against a resolution that would allow FEMA to use up to $15 million in the Disaster Relief Fund and provide financial assistance to Hurricane Ian victims in their state. What do you think?

    “Are we supposed to help people after every hurricane? Where does it end?”

    Joseph Cardenas, Petrologist

    “Someone could always remind Gaetz that the money will also go towards helping teen girls.”

    Arlene Guariglio, Doffer

    “In fairness, all that money will just be wasted on people in need.”

    Scotty Jellings, City Surveyor

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  • Week In Review: October 2, 2022

    Week In Review: October 2, 2022

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    Mercedes Addresses Nazi Contributions With Reminder That Third Reich Had Notoriously High Standards

    Mercedes Addresses Nazi Contributions With Reminder That Third Reich Had Notoriously High Standards

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    Stargazing Woman Reminded Of How Small Own Tits Are In Grand Scheme Of Things

    Stargazing Woman Reminded Of How Small Own Tits Are In Grand Scheme Of Things

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    Most Glaring Times Trump’s Children Have Broken The Law

    Most Glaring Times Trump’s Children Have Broken The Law

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    Insomnia Experts Unanimously Recommend Giving Up And Scrolling ‘The Onion’ Until Daybreak

    Insomnia Experts Unanimously Recommend Giving Up And Scrolling ‘The Onion’ Until Daybreak

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    Struggling U.S. Military Requires Every Soldier To Recruit Additional 300 New Troops

    Struggling U.S. Military Requires Every Soldier To Recruit Additional 300 New Troops

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    HR Reminds Employees In Office Relationship They Should Give HR Some Sugar Too

    HR Reminds Employees In Office Relationship They Should Give HR Some Sugar Too

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    6-Year-Old Didn’t Cause Parents’ Divorce But Didn’t Exactly Step Up To Prevent It Either

    6-Year-Old Didn’t Cause Parents’ Divorce But Didn’t Exactly Step Up To Prevent It Either

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    Weird Bug Being Eaten By Even Weirder Bug

    Weird Bug Being Eaten By Even Weirder Bug

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    10 / 22

    Guy On Doomed Planet Mostly Concerned With Skin Color Of People In Movies

    Guy On Doomed Planet Mostly Concerned With Skin Color Of People In Movies

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    Every Question For Tesla Job Candidate About Raising Baby With Elon Musk

    Every Question For Tesla Job Candidate About Raising Baby With Elon Musk

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    FEMA Urges Florida Residents To Stock Up On Memorial Supplies

    FEMA Urges Florida Residents To Stock Up On Memorial Supplies

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    Experts Link Poor Posture To Accurate Understanding Of Self-Worth

    Experts Link Poor Posture To Accurate Understanding Of Self-Worth

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    Free-Spirited Man Informed It Time To Grow Up And Stop Being Happy

    Free-Spirited Man Informed It Time To Grow Up And Stop Being Happy

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    Man A Little Insulted By How Unthreatened Woman Walking Alone In Front Of Him Seems

    Man A Little Insulted By How Unthreatened Woman Walking Alone In Front Of Him Seems

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    Facebook Employees Sigh As Mark Zuckerberg Tries For 10th Time To Break Board With Fist

    Facebook Employees Sigh As Mark Zuckerberg Tries For 10th Time To Break Board With Fist

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    John Fetterman Offers Voters Medical Transparency By Ripping Heart Out Of Chest

    John Fetterman Offers Voters Medical Transparency By Ripping Heart Out Of Chest

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    Experts Say It Not Too Late To Change Careers At 50, Though They Sure As Fuck Wouldn’t

    Experts Say It Not Too Late To Change Careers At 50, Though They Sure As Fuck Wouldn’t

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    Walgreens To Now Offer Baths

    Walgreens To Now Offer Baths

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    Extraordinarily Dull A.A. Member Must Be Plant To Test Everyone’s Sobriety

    Extraordinarily Dull A.A. Member Must Be Plant To Test Everyone’s Sobriety

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    Florida Landlord Reminds Tenants Fleeing Flood That Lease Doesn’t Include Rooftop Access

    Florida Landlord Reminds Tenants Fleeing Flood That Lease Doesn’t Include Rooftop Access

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