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Tag: The Onion

  • ‘No Way To Prevent This,’ Says Only Nation Where This Regularly Happens

    ‘No Way To Prevent This,’ Says Only Nation Where This Regularly Happens

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    MONTEREY PARK, CA—In the hours following a violent rampage in California in which a lone attacker killed 10 individuals and injured 10 others, citizens living in the only country where this kind of mass killing routinely occurs reportedly concluded Monday that there was no way to prevent the massacre from taking place. “This was a terrible tragedy, but sometimes these things just happen and there’s nothing anyone can do to stop them,” said Alabama resident John Duncan, echoing sentiments expressed by tens of millions of individuals who reside in a nation where over half of the world’s deadliest mass shootings have occurred in the past 50 years and whose citizens are 20 times more likely to die of gun violence than those of other developed nations. “It’s a shame, but what can we do? There really wasn’t anything that was going to keep this individual from snapping and killing a lot of people if that’s what they really wanted.” At press time, residents of the only economically advanced nation in the world where roughly two mass shootings have occurred every month for the past eight years were referring to themselves and their situation as “helpless.”

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  • Referee Can’t Help But Grin While Calling Penalty To Bring Back Huge Gain

    Referee Can’t Help But Grin While Calling Penalty To Bring Back Huge Gain

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    BUFFALO, NY—Reached for comment on his experience officiating the NFL divisional round playoff game between the Cincinnati Bengals and the Buffalo Bills, referee Clay Martin told reporters Sunday that he couldn’t help but grin while calling a penalty to bring back a huge gain. “I have to admit, watching those players cavalierly celebrating what they think is a 43-yard pickup, all the while knowing I’m about to toss my flag and wipe that gain right off the board, I couldn’t help but crack a smile,” said Martin, who was observed on television cameras attempting to stifle his laughter after throwing a penalty flag that turned a massive third-down conversion into a ten-yard loss for an offensive holding call. “It’s especially fun when you get to throw the flag right near the guys when they start celebrating and making first-down signals, then watching as the wind goes right out of their sails and they have to make the long walk back downfield. Sometimes they get really mad and start yelling, which we officials all honestly find hilarious. The best part is that I didn’t call holding penalties all the other times they occurred—I waited and bided my time until the penalty would cause maximum frustration to the players and the fans. Man, I love it when the fans get upset.” Later in the game, the officials were seen smiling and giving each other high-fives after a questionable defensive pass interference call allowed the offense to move 57 yards down the field.

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  • Onion Sports’ NFL Divisional Round Picks

    Onion Sports’ NFL Divisional Round Picks

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    Onion Sports shares its expert analysis on the teams that will come away with victory in the NFL’s Divisional Round.

    Jaguars at Chiefs

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    Jaguars: Expect Chiefs coach Andy Reid to have something special up his sleeve for this game. Unfortunately, that will just be a dozen hot dogs.

    Offensive Player To Watch: Jaguars

    Offensive Player To Watch: Jaguars

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    Zay Jones: The Jags wide receiver has the field awareness needed to witness numerous Trevor Lawrence interceptions.

    Defensive Player To Watch: Jaguars

    Defensive Player To Watch: Jaguars

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    Josh Allen: This could be a perfect opportunity for the pass rusher to pick up a loose quarterback on the ground and return it for a touchdown.

    Offensive Player To Watch: Chiefs

    Offensive Player To Watch: Chiefs

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    Patrick Mahomes: Kansas City’s star QB is expected to have his best State Farm commercial yet.

    Defensive Player To Watch: Chiefs

    Defensive Player To Watch: Chiefs

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    Chris Jones: Expect the massive defensive tackle to struggle to make it out of the Jaguars’ backfield.

    Giants at Eagles

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    Eagles: Jalen Hurts and the Eagles have what it takes to bring a small dollop of joy to Philadelphia citizens’ otherwise bleak, empty lives.

    Offensive Player To Watch: Giants

    Offensive Player To Watch: Giants

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    Daniel Jones: The quarterback has a bright future with his next team.

    Defensive Player To Watch: Giants

    Defensive Player To Watch: Giants

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    Dexter Lawrence: The Giants colossal nose tackle will rely on his flexibility and athleticism, which allow him to change direction at least once per game.

    Offensive Player To Watch: Eagles

    Offensive Player To Watch: Eagles

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    Jason Kelce: The Eagles’ Pro Bowl center is reportedly practicing a knuckleball hike

    Defensive Player To Watch: Eagles

    Defensive Player To Watch: Eagles

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    Ndamukong Suh: Though playing as a backup, the veteran Suh is hoping he still has a few more dirty plays left in him.

    Bengals at Bills

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    Bengals: After Week 17’s suspended matchup, Cincinnati will be eager to get revenge on Damar Hamlin.

    Offensive Player To Watch: Bengals

    Offensive Player To Watch: Bengals

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    Joe Burrow: Pretty much just needs to go out there and not throw 20 picks to go down as the best quarterback in Bengals history.

    Defensive Player To Watch: Bengals

    Defensive Player To Watch: Bengals

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    Eli Apple: The feisty cornerback will do whatever it takes to be dragged into the end zone while clinging to Josh Allen’s back.

    Offensive Player to Watch: Bills

    Offensive Player to Watch: Bills

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    Stefon Diggs: Buffalo’s wideout has shown the ability to make seemingly impossible catches, rending the delicate fabric of our so-called “reality” and plunging NFL fans into a horrid abyss of unfathomable madness.

    Defensive Player To Watch: Bills

    Defensive Player To Watch: Bills

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    Tremaine Edmunds: The middle linebacker is the heart and soul and lower intestine and trachea and stapes bone of the Bills defense.

    Cowboys at 49ers

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    49ers: San Francisco has better defenders, a more explosive offense, and it’s just really gratifying to see Jerry Jones absolutely fucking miserable.

    Offensive Player To Watch: Cowboys

    Offensive Player To Watch: Cowboys

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    Dak Prescott: He has the kind of arm that can ruin the hopes and dreams of any Cowboys fan.

    Defensive Player To Watch: Cowboys

    Defensive Player To Watch: Cowboys

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    Micah Parsons: Keep a close eye on the Dallas linebacker, who is a dual threat as a pass rusher and a player who can turn completely invisible for multiple quarters.

    Offensive Player To Watch: 49ers

    Offensive Player To Watch: 49ers

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    Brock Purdy: Luckily for San Francisco, Brock Purdy has zero professional experience with losing and barely comprehends the concept of defeat.

    Defensive Player To Watch: 49ers

    Defensive Player To Watch: 49ers

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    Nick Bosa: Expect Bosa to come out strong on every play in order to sack Dak Prescott before he has the chance to throw a pick.

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  • What To Know About ChatGPT

    What To Know About ChatGPT

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    The artificially intelligent chatbot ChatGPT has recently taken the internet by storm, with both praise and concern for its capability to mimic human writing. The Onion tells you everything you need to know about ChatGPT.

    Q: What is machine learning?
    A: A process by which machines use data-driven models to undermine some previously functional aspect of human life.

    Q: Who made ChatGPT? 
    A: OpenAI, a research laboratory established by some of Silicon Valley’s most forward-thinking bots.

    Q: How does ChatGPT work? 
    A: It smokes a fat joint and just lets the words flow, man.

    Q: How realistic are ChatGPT’s responses?
    A: Very realistic. Just like most people, it doesn’t really care what you say and is focused on accomplishing its own thing.

    Q: Is ChatGPT going to take my job? 
    A: Even AI doesn’t want your job.

    Q: Can students use ChatGPT to write their essays?
    A: Yes, ChatGPT has no problem reproducing the error-ridden dreck typical of the American student.

    Q: How does it sound so convincingly human online?
    A: It helps that humans have been gradually sounding less human since the arrival of the internet.

    Q: Will this put writers out of work?
    A: Writers were out of work long before this.

    Q: How will it improve human life? 
    A: It will free up tedious hours spent building critical thinking skills and fostering human relationships for more rewarding activities like streaming shows and buying things.

    Q: Will The Onion ever use ChatGPT to produce its award-winning journalism?
    A: RUNTIME ERROR. REBOOT STACK.

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  • Tim Cook Takes 40% Pay Cut

    Tim Cook Takes 40% Pay Cut

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    Apple CEO Tim Cook will take a more than 40% pay cut this year after criticism from shareholders, a decision that will reduce his annual pay package from last year’s $99.4 million to $49 million. What do you think?

    “Hopefully, some of those savings get passed down to the company’s slaves.”

    Ben Robins • Unemployed

    “Was 90% not available?”

    Nydia Gurbush • Admissions Scout

    “Just $49 million? That’s less than I make in 600 years!”

    Orville Woods • Tandem Surgeon

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  • Amtrak Passengers Stranded On Train For 29 Hours Feared They Were Being Kidnapped

    Amtrak Passengers Stranded On Train For 29 Hours Feared They Were Being Kidnapped

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    Hundreds of Amtrak passengers in South Carolina were stranded on a train for 29 hours after a detour due to another train derailing, prompting several to call the police out of fear they were being held hostage. What do you think?

    “I always pay the extra money for the panic room sleeper car.”

    Neal Jimenez, Dream Interpreter

    “No, only Greyhound does that.”

    Lucas Cameron, Pocket Sizer

    “That’s why I never get into a stranger’s train.”

    Melissa Gerke, Funeral Host

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  • ‘Elvis’ Producers Criticized For Casting Austin Butler In Role Of Iconic Black Singer

    ‘Elvis’ Producers Criticized For Casting Austin Butler In Role Of Iconic Black Singer

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    LOS ANGELES—As awards season arrives and critics take note of the film’s problematic whitewashed casting, the Golden Globe–nominated Elvis faced increased scrutiny this week for casting Austin Butler in the role of the iconic Black singer. “Using a white actor to portray a world-renowned African American who single-handedly revolutionized pop music is regrettable, to say the least,” critic Ibrahim Lawrence wrote in the Los Angeles Times, suggesting that actors of color had little hope of succeeding in today’s film industry if producers couldn’t even bring themselves to give a Black man the starring role in a musical biopic about Elvis Presley. “And it’s so unnecessary. Why not cast Jonathan Majors? LaKeith Stanfield? Even Michael Ealy could’ve knocked it out of the park, but once again, Hollywood has chosen to engage in historical erasure to fit a white-centric ideal, in this case an Elvis who would be palatable to a larger demographic. Hearing classics like ‘Baby Let’s Play House,’ ‘Hound Dog,’ and ‘In The Ghetto’ coming out of a white man’s lips is nothing short of jarring.” Though his decision to take the part has been condemned in most quarters, many critics have nonetheless praised Butler for his refusal to wear blackface in his depiction of Presley.

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  • Kamala Harris Assures Public No One Has Given Her Single Classified Document

    Kamala Harris Assures Public No One Has Given Her Single Classified Document

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    WASHINGTON—Stressing that there was a “zero-percent chance” she had mishandled sensitive information, Vice President Kamala Harris assured the American public Friday that no one had given her a single classified document. “Not to look at, not even to hold—frankly, I couldn’t even tell you where they’re kept,” said Harris, who held a press conference to announce that even if she had had access to classified government documents, she wouldn’t dream in a million years of taking her work home with her, and that most of the binders in her office were empty anyway. “Please take comfort when I say I have no security clearance, on any level. My key fob doesn’t even work most days, and I have to text someone on my staff to come let me in. Yesterday, I stood outside the White House in the cold for 15 minutes before anyone came to get me.” At press time, Harris admitted that she had once taken home a roll of paper towels.

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  • Katie Porter Uses Whiteboard To Explain To Dianne Feinstein Why This Her Office Now

    Katie Porter Uses Whiteboard To Explain To Dianne Feinstein Why This Her Office Now

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    WASHINGTON—Circling the words “dead soon” for emphasis, Rep. Katie Porter (D-CA) reportedly used a whiteboard Wednesday to explain to Sen. Dianne Feinstein (D-CA) why the public office held by Feinstein for 30 years belonged to Porter now. “So as you can see here, the average life expectancy for a woman in the United States is 79 years, and come 2024, you’ll be 91—if you’re lucky—and that’s just too old!” said Porter, who drew a stick figure that was hunched over and leaning on a cane, along with several arrows that appeared to indicate the figure was about to tumble into an open grave. “Me, I’ll only be 51. But you, well, pretty soon you’re going to be down there in the ground. So you can’t stay here. Are you still following me, Dianne? This office is mine.” At press time, sources confirmed Porter had been forced to wipe the board clean and start over by explaining that the Hart Senate Office Building was not Feinstein’s home and she did not live there.

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  • Study Finds Early Humans Selectively Bred Corn To Be Less Aggressive

    Study Finds Early Humans Selectively Bred Corn To Be Less Aggressive

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    LINCOLN, NE—Noting the low attack rates among modern corn, a study published Friday by researchers at the University of Nebraska found that early humans selectively bred corn to be less aggressive. “Though ingenuity and careful breeding, early Native American farmers artificially selected maize varieties that exhibited less violent behavior, a process that culminated in the docile corn we enjoy today,” said Professor Maggie Royer, explaining that over the centuries agriculturalists were able to isolate specific strains that didn’t attack those who tried to pick them, lacked natural razor-sharp teeth, and didn’t shoot poisonous barbs.“The ancient breeds of corn were so aggressive, in fact, that primitive humans were often devoured while attempting to harvest the cereal grain. Still, the relationship between humans and maize began to warm up when early humans fed meat to corn to gain its trust, eventually turning it into a companion grain.” Royer added that not all of the early humans’ attempts at selective breeding were as successful, noting that their effort to domesticate wolves resulted in the canines becoming a hirsute fruit.

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  • Kevin McCarthy Elected House Speaker After 15 Rounds Of Voting

    Kevin McCarthy Elected House Speaker After 15 Rounds Of Voting

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    Republican Kevin McCarthy was elected House speaker on a historic post-midnight 15th ballot early Saturday, after making extensive concessions to right-wing hardliners that raised questions about the party’s ability to govern. What do you think?

    “Who knew the party that tried to overthrow the government would be so bad at government?”

    Carlos Rollins, Tree Debarker

    “Damn, I bet the over.”

    Jasper Shimoma, Acoustics Expert

    “Any more rounds and this would’ve turned embarrassing.”

    Beatrix Wallace, Sex Toy Advocate

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  • Elon Musk Unveils New Cybertruck Concept Design

    Elon Musk Unveils New Cybertruck Concept Design

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    AUSTIN, TX—After a year in which the electric automaker’s stock lost 65% of its value, CEO Elon Musk has doubled down on plans to build Tesla’s Cybertruck, introducing on Friday a new design for a concept vehicle that would boldly reimagine the American pickup. “This is a truck unlike any the world has ever seen: the first to consist entirely of a quadrilateral with four congruent sides and four right angles,” Musk said during a media event at Tesla headquarters, describing the proposed Cybertruck’s unique two-dimensionality and innovative ability to glide across land, sea, and air. “It’s going to be totally flat, and we’ve done away with the wheels completely. Because it has no depth, it can theoretically travel at infinite speeds. And with its ability to hold an unlimited number of passengers, the Cybertruck will instantly alleviate all traffic congestion between San Francisco and L.A. Anyway, we’ll have these on the road later this year.” At press time, Tesla’s stock price had reportedly tripled even as Musk’s blueprint for the concept car inexplicably erupted into flames.

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  • On Top Of Everything Else, Kevin McCarthy Wetting Bed Again

    On Top Of Everything Else, Kevin McCarthy Wetting Bed Again

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    WASHINGTON—Sighing as he hid another pair of soiled pajamas deep in his hamper, Rep. Kevin McCarthy (R-CA) confirmed Friday that on top of everything else that had been going on, he was also wetting the bed again. “Jesus, this is the absolute last thing I need! This has been the worst week of my life,” said the visibly frustrated California lawmaker, whose bid for the role of House speaker has been met with persistent opposition among members of his own party and has been the cause of severe anxiety that, McCarthy noted, was not being helped at all by the vengeful return of his urinary incontinence problem. “Man, I thought a dozen failed attempts for the speakership, our dog running away, and spilling coffee all over my desk yesterday were as bad as it could get, but now I’m peeing all over my sheets in the middle of the night. It’s like my freshman year of Congress all over again. Ugh, I just completely reek of piss. My wife and housekeeper can’t seem to look me in the eyes, and I could really use their support right now, because I’m sure not getting enough at work.” At press time, McCarthy was reportedly seen crying in the Capitol bathroom after Rep. Lauren Boebert (R-CO) had told everybody about the pack of Depends she saw in his briefcase.

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  • What To Know About The New Covid Variant XBB1.5

    What To Know About The New Covid Variant XBB1.5

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    Health experts have raised the alarm about the fast-spreading coronavirus variant XBB1.5, which could drive a new surge of cases. The Onion tells you everything you need to know about covid XBB1.5.

    Q: How does XBB1.5 differ from earlier variants?
    A: It has a mutation allowing it to make deeper, longer-lasting connections with human cells.

    Q: Where is XBB1.5 spreading?
    A: Through your body, currently.

    Q: Are scientists worried about it? 
    A: Yes, except for astronomers, who view life in a grander sense and don’t concern themselves with the mere trifles of man.

    Q: Why should I be concerned about the spread of XBB1.5?
    A: It might negatively impact the final box office of Avatar: The Way Of Water.

    Q: Is this variant more harmful than previous ones?
    A: It can be dangerous to vulnerable people, but thankfully many of them are already dead.

    Q: Which country should our patriots hold responsible?
    A: This one started in the United States, so probably China.

    Q: What effects will XBB1.5 have when combined with the flu and the surge of RSV?
    A: Experts are predicting a golden age of elderly deaths.

    Q: How can I protect myself?
    A: Whatever you’re already doing should work or not work just fine.

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