A study that played the sounds of human and other ape babies crying out over a speaker found that crocodiles were drawn to the noises, in particular to the shrieks that sounded the most distressed. What do you think?
“Sounds like they’d make awesome therapy animals.”
Marty Friedland, Freelance Executive
Flat-Earthers Explain Why The Earth Is Flat
“It’s a good thing my distressed cries are so manly.”
David Barnes, Cracker Perforator
“This is just natural selection doing its part to weed out annoying kids.”
WASHINGTON—Coming under fire for its unethical use of African Americans as test subjects, the U.S. government has faced criticism after revelations emerged this week regarding its decades-long Whoopee Cushion Project, which tested new pranks on Black people. “Beginning in the 1930s, federal authorities sanctioned a clandestine experiment to humiliate Black men and women by secretly placing whoopee cushions on their chairs, inviting them to sit down, and then, while feigning disgust, asking them if they had just farted,” said Rachel Wallace, a history professor at Georgetown University, explaining that the nearly 40-year project also involved flooding the African American community with fake gum wrappers that delivered an electric shock to people when they tried to take a piece, as well as canisters labeled “peanut brittle” that contained something very different. “These cans, when opened, released spring-loaded snakes into their unwitting victims’ faces—100% of whom were Black, and none of whom had provided their informed consent to the government’s researchers. We now know the FBI went so far as to deploy experimental pranks against the Black Panthers, once sending the revolutionary Fred Hampton a paper bag full of dog poop that had been set on fire, so that when he stomped it out, he got the poop all over his boot. The indignity these people were subjected to for the sake of ‘innovation’ in practical-joke science is absolutely horrific and amoral.” At press time, Wallace was reportedly dining in a D.C. restaurant when federal agents—seated nearby and using a telescopic prank fork extended to its full 25-inch length—swiped a rib-eye steak right off her plate.
A driver in Pennsylvania crashed their car into the second floor of a house, with photos from the scene showing the side of the vehicle lodged into the home with its back wheels dangling off the roof. What do you think?
“I celebrate not that the driver crashed, but that for a moment, they flew.”
John Denton, Sauce Chef
Flat-Earthers Explain Why The Earth Is Flat
“Yeah, I suck at parking, too.”
Ernest Braatz, Dress Zipper
“It’s their fault for building a house near a street.”
TAMPA, FL—In an effort to squeeze in all their usual activities during their annual visit to Tampa Bay, 43-year-old Ron Ortega told reporters Tuesday he had scheduled family fights into this year’s vacation itinerary. “We’re going to be pretty tired after going to the beach in the mornings, so setting aside a few blocks of time for blowout arguments in the afternoons will take the stress out of figuring out when to fight next,” said Ortega, adding that he had left some space after their museum visits for his family to squabble about where they were going to eat, and had budgeted a few hours halfway through the week for everyone to yell at everyone else about how they never get to do the thing they want to do on this trip. “Of course, these fights are all completely optional, so if my wife and son want to have a screaming match about buying souvenirs at the Busch Gardens gift shop, my daughter and I can either join them or head to the nearby Florida Aquarium. While we’d like to pack in as much as we can in Tampa Bay, we also need to be realistic and recognize that we may have to reschedule some of our bickering for the flight home.” At press time, the Ortegas had reportedly just arrived at their hotel and decided to multitask by yelling at each other about three different issues at once.
X, the site formerly known as Twitter, is now letting its Blue subscribers hide the once-coveted verification “blue check”—the status symbol they pay $8 a month for—on their account. What do you think?
“All the best goods and services are too embarrassing to be shown publicly.”
Jeffrey LaFontaine, Cousin Therapist
This Elon Musk Deepfake Cannot Be Real
“Just to be safe, I’m blocking everyone.”
Melanie Adams, Systems Analyst
“Now they’ll all wonder about the mystery man behind the reply ‘Hilarious, Elon!!!’”
Canadian prime minister Justin Trudeau announced on social media Wednesday that he and his wife Sophie are separating after 18 years of marriage. What do you think?
“I hope they’re comforted knowing that everyone wants to fuck them.”
Sally Barreto, Chief Specialist
This Week’s Most Viral News: August 4, 2023
“It seems disrespectful to do this on Instagram and not a more solemn place like Facebook.”
SACRAMENTO, CA—In an effort to abide by emergency conservation measures issued by the State Water Resources Control Board, golf courses in California have been forced to use insulin to maintain their fairways and greens, sources confirmed Friday. “Unfortunately, the state’s restrictions on water usage have left us with no choice but to buy up all the available insulin and dump it on the grass,” said Pebble Beach CEO David Stivers, who added that despite the high price tag, insulin was transparent and mostly liquid, making it a workable backup option for hydrating the four renowned golf courses his company operates on the Monterey Peninsula. “We know there are some secondary medical uses for the substance and that it’s in high demand. But it’s imperative that something goes into our sprinkler system and water features, so it will have to do. As other courses have found themselves in the same situation, we’ve had to purchase every ounce of the stuff on the world market to insure our golfers can tee off, without interruption, for years to come. We’re all making sacrifices here to help relieve the water shortage, so diabetics will simply have to learn to go without.” At press time, Stivers announced that his golf courses would also be replenishing their sand traps with 60,000 tons of powdered baby formula.
TALLAHASSEE, FL—Explaining that the course would teach thousands of high schoolers harmful information about identifying psychological disorders, Florida Gov. Ron DeSantis announced Friday that the state would ban AP Psychology out of fear that people might figure out what precisely is wrong with him. “If students come to understand ideas, theories, and terminology associated with mental disorders like, say, narcissistic personality disorder, it could get them that much closer to understanding why exactly I behave the way I do,” said DeSantis, adding that such Advanced Placement classes would only indoctrinate the state’s students into recognizing the many mental health issues that manifest in his behavior on a daily basis. “These courses will make teens look critically at why I act so strangely in seemingly normal human situations and, frankly, allow them to work out that something in my brain is probably abnormal. Floridians know that should never happen. If I don’t know why I seem to be in pain every time I smile, our high school students certainly shouldn’t.” DeSantis went on to announce that he would also be banning couples counseling in the state after advisors suggested his wife Casey DeSantis might use the dangerous practice against him some day.
WASHINGTON—Granting the cleaning implement full legal authority over her personal affairs, Sen. Dianne Feinstein (D-CA) reportedly ceded her power of attorney on Friday to a broom resembling her daughter. “At my age, it’s important to have a dependable family member I can rely on, and there’s no one I trust more than my beautiful hardwood daughter,” said Feinstein, who whispered, “You make me so proud every day, Kathy,” as she ran her hand gingerly along the corn broom’s bristles. “She flew out all the way from California today to lean against the corner of my office. Clearly, I’m in good hands with her. I’m also going to make sure she helps me leave all of my life savings to a very handsome bucket I met in the coat closet.” At press time, Feinstein was panicking after her daughter had been kidnapped by a custodian.
Senate Freaking Out After Dianne Feinstein Gets Her Hands On Gun
Former President Donald Trump has been indicted for his attempts to overturn the 2020 election, the third time in four months that the former U.S. president has been criminally charged. What do you think?
“I’m sure seeing his beloved supporters jailed has punished him enough.”
Daniel Welsh, Product Demonstrator
NYPD Arrests Trump After Routine Stop-And-Frisk Turns Up Unlicensed Handgun, 400 Mg Of Ketamine
“The rule of law has always been very biased against him.”
Graciela Asnes, Lab Organizer
“I wish I loved my job enough to destroy the country.”
Twitter’s new X sign has been taken down after complaints from residents about intense light shining into homes and the sign lacking safety permits from the city. What do you think?
“We can’t let bureaucracy stifle the most annoying innovators of our time.”
Shelly Prechtel, Systems Analyst
Congress Placed On Lockdown After Deranged Man Enters Senate With Gun Control Measures
“When has Musk’s technology ever put the public at risk?”
Ross Yanczer, Pecan Gatherer
“These people are just jealous of the creativity and genius that it takes to imagine a bright X.”
Put that painful divorce behind you with this 456-sq.-ft. studio apt. The kitchenette is ideal for microwaving half of a Subway meatball sub, while the living space adequately accommodates the futon on which both Connor and Tyler will be sleeping every other weekend. Plus, the cozy shower stall is a perfect place to break down and question how everything went so wrong!
WASHINGTON—At a press event Monday held to address the student debt crisis, President Joe Biden made a speech during which he appeared to forget the nation’s name. “Instead of saying ‘the United States,’ President Biden began using words like ‘bud’ or ‘amigo’ to project familiarity, but it was obvious he couldn’t remember the name of the country he had come into East Room of the White House to talk about,” said Casey Pritchett, a journalist who attended the press conference, observing how Biden frequently furrowed his brow, squinted, and paused during moments when he seemed to be struggling to remember that citizens of the nation he governed were called Americans. “At one point he said, ‘Education is the cornerstone of a free and prosperous society, and so we must ensure the next generation of our fellow, uh…our buddies—the people here in this place where we live—are able to afford college.’ Then he stated talking about opportunity, but instead of saying ‘the American Dream,’ he just called it ‘the Big Awesome Dream.’ I’m not sure he knew where he was.” Biden later issued an apology for the gaffe, saying he had consulted a history book to refresh his memory and confirmed that he lived in the Algonquian fishing village of Nacotchtank.
Biden Asks Americans To Come Sit By Him And Keep Him Company Until The End
Three military veterans testified before Congress claiming that the U.S. government is concealing a longstanding program that reverse engineers alien aircraft and has recovered non-human “biologics” from alleged crash sites. What do you think?
“Where do you think we got Inkjet technology?”
Chandra Burke, Friendship Appraiser
This Week’s Most Viral News: July 28, 2023
“That’s fair. There are plenty of multi-decade operations I don’t tell the government about.”
Art Marasky, Bellhop
“I just found out about a 100-year-old race massacre, so I guess anything’s possible.”
LOS ANGELES—After months of speculation over his playing future, baseball phenom Shohei Ohtani announced Friday his plans to leave the Los Angeles Angels for a team in Major League Baseball. “It’s been an honor playing for the Angels, and I’ll be sad to leave, but like many great foreign players before me, I want to see how well I stack up against the best players in the world by joining a Major League Baseball team,” said Ohtani, who is expected to be the subject of a fierce bidding war as he joins the MLB, with teams including the Los Angeles Dodgers, New York Yankees, and Houston Astros competing to sign the two-way star. “I also want to make sure I’m not a distraction for the other players on the Angels, especially since there have been so many MLB scouts coming to my games. I know the level of play in the major leagues will be much higher than what I’ve seen on the Angels, but I’m ready, and I’m really excited to finally be part of an MLB team. I want to take my time with my decision, though, because it would be great to find a team that I can spend my entire MLB career with.” Ohtani added that if his transition to a Major League Baseball team doesn’t pan out, he could always return to the Angels.
MIAMI—According to sources familiar with the case, new charges filed Thursday in the federal indictment against Donald Trump suggested that the former president instructed a Mar-a-Lago employee to tape over security footage with a rerun of Hong Kong Phooey. “Despite being more than aware that doing so would obstruct an ongoing federal investigation, Trump ordered property manager Carlos De Oliveira to erase Mar-A-Lago security footage and replace it with the antics of the crime-fighting dog Penrod ‘Penry’ Pooch,” said sources, who confirmed that all surveillance footage pertaining to the classified documents case had been replaced by episodes of the Hanna-Barbera cartoon. “This was crucial evidence, and now all investigators have is episode six, where Phooey saves a candy factory and foils Professor Presto’s malevolent plan. He can argue it’s his favorite show and he’s allowed to tape it any way he likes, but we’ll just have to see how that holds up in court.” At press time, sources confirmed that the Justice Department was also investigating Trump for holding onto classified episodes of Hong Kong Phooey that were never supposed to leave the White House.
STOCKBRIDGE, MA—Acknowledging the need to right historical wrongs, curators at the Norman Rockwell Museum announced Friday that they were returning dozens of looted paintings to Africa. “These artworks belong to the West African peoples they were taken from, and we have no right as a Western museum to continue to perpetuate centuries of colonial plunder,” said museum director Laurie Norton Moffatt, adding that The Lineman, The Gossips, Before The Date, Day In The Life Of A Little Girl, The Runaway, and the Four Freedoms paintings were among the dozens of looted Norman Rockwell artifacts being repatriated to their rightful homes on the African continent. “These ancient African depictions of Americana and portrayals of small-town American life belong to the people who made them, not the so-called Christian missionaries and imperial explorers who pilfered them. Some of these Norman Rockwell paintings are hundreds, if not thousands, of years old, and many have deep spiritual or religious significance to African tribes. We cannot in good conscience sustain the cycle of violence that led to their acquisition. The amount of Ghanaian blood shed in order to acquire his Rosie The Riveter painting alone should make this museum guilty of war crimes. That barbaric cycle ends today.” Critics of the decision said that removing dozens of important works of art from the Massachusetts museum would further limit cultural exchange and prevent Americans from better understanding the cultures of ancient Africa through Norman Rockwell’s work.
