MIAMI—Following reports that he was under investigation by Miami-Dade Police for his role in a violent altercation at the Haulover Marina, Miami Dolphins wide receiver Tyreek Hill told reporters Friday that he was surprised to discover that assault is illegal in Florida. “When I knew Kansas City was going to trade me last year, there’s a reason I wanted to go a team in Florida—I was pretty sure you could kind of just do whatever here,” said Hill, adding that he even asked some of his teammates on the Dolphins whether it was okay to do something like hit a man in the back of the head without facing any kind of punishment, and they agreed that it was probably fine in Florida, and definitely in Miami. “I thought Florida was, like, the place where you went when you wanted to cause unwarranted physical harm to another person without getting in trouble. Maybe someone could double-check, because it doesn’t sound right that you can get arrested for assault here. Or maybe I’m mixing it up with sexual assault. Shit. That’s definitely got to be legal in Florida, right? Otherwise, what is even the point of this state? If you want to live somewhere where you’re apparently not allowed to commit assault, you can always go to Kansas City. Shit, maybe this is one of those states where you have to be married to the person if you want to legally smack them around.” Hill told reporters that even if he is arrested and convicted of assault, he wasn’t worried about being suspended, saying that there is absolutely no way that the NFL has jurisdiction over players who play in Florida.
Violence and crime have been part of American history since the earliest explorers arrived on the continent and killed whoever they found before stealing their land. The Onion looks back at the most notorious criminals in the country’s history.
The Walt Disney Co. canceled plans for a billion-dollar office complex in Florida that was set to bring thousands of jobs to the region as the company and Florida Gov. Ron DeSantis continue their ongoing feud. What do you think?
“To be fair, who knew Disney had that kind of money?”
Juan Pearson, Granola Chef
“A small price to pay for one man absolutely humiliating himself in the GOP primary.”
Valerie Cordero, Air Bag Deflator
“If they keep this up, Florida is going to become a national laughingstock.”
MANASSAS, VA—Claiming that the gift was simply a gesture of kindness rather than an ethics violation, Supreme Court Justice Clarence Thomas stated Friday that there was nothing wrong with a wealthy donor renting out an entire D.C.-area water park just for him. “One friend is allowed to treat another friend to a nice, relaxing day of wet and wild fun in the sun, aren’t they?” said Thomas from the middle of a cozy tube floating down SplashDown’s lazy river, explaining how much easier it was to enjoy all 13 acres of northern Virginia’s largest water park when there were no lines or other people sharing the attractions. “Harlan Crow and I go back many years, so there’s nothing unusual or nefarious about him paying $600,000 for them to open up before their season has even started and attend to my every whim to make sure I have a total blast. Show me in the bylaws where I’m violating a condition of my employment by riding the Tropical Twister as many times as I want with no wait. Plus, Neil and Sonya are going to be so jealous when I go back to work with a solid tan and a belly full of free ice cream.” At press time, Crow had reportedly tipped a teenaged pool attendant $1,500 to carry Thomas up the wooden stairs at Pipeline Tower so he could go for another ride.
Last week, Disney CEO Bob Iger asked rhetorically if Florida and its governor, Ron DeSantis, wanted all of the company’s business and taxes. Now, events are moving beyond the mere rhetorical as Disney—citing “new leadership and changing business conditions” in Florida—has canceled big plans to move thousands of its staff and their families to the Sunshine State from California, and also axed a planned $1 billion facility in Florida.
An Anime That Might Make You Put Your Minecraft Bed Next To Someone
As reported by Deadline on May 18, Disney Parks and Resorts boss Josh D’Amaro sent a note to Disney Parks, Experiences & Products employees explaining that the massive corporation is abandoning its plan to transfer about 2,000 employees and their families to Florida. Also in the note was the announcement that Disney will no longer be building a massive campus facility in the state’s Lake Nona region. Staff who have already relocated in preparation for that facility will be given the opportunity to return back to California.
“Given the considerable changes that have occurred since the announcement of this project, including new leadership and changing business conditions, we have decided not to move forward with construction of the campus,” D’Amaro wrote in his Thursday note. “This was not an easy decision to make, but I believe it is the right one. As a result, we will no longer be asking our employees to relocate. For those who have already moved, we will talk to you individually about your situation, including the possibility of moving you back.”
These now-canned plans were announced back in 2021, with Disney then looking to move most jobs and related staff not directly working on California’s Disneyland theme park to Florida. In 2022, as tensions between Disney and Florida increased, the company announced a delay until 2026. Now, as Florida and Disney’s war grows hotter, it seems the Walt Disney Company is done dealing with DeSantis, and is willing to walk away from a reported $550 million in tax credits, too.
Why are Disney and Florida’s governor at war?
This ongoing war between Disney and DeSantis—likely to be one of the GOP’s frontrunners for president in 2024—started in 2022 with House Bill 1557, referred to by opponents as the “Don’t Say Gay” bill, which prevents discussion of sexual identity in Florida’s public schools. The law is just one part of DeSantis’ ongoing culture war over LGBTQ issues. After DeSantis signed the controversial bill into law—and following pressure both internally and publicly—the Walt Disney Company eventually issued a statement in March of last year, calling for a repeal of the bill. In response to Disney’s lukewarm stand against the law, the governor said the company had “crossed the line.”
What followed was an action seen by many as punishment against Disney for speaking out against the controversial bill. DeSantis went after Disney World’s special zoning district, which was established in 1967 and allowed the popular park to be exempt from normal Florida laws concerning matters like building codes.
Following the spat, the governor created House Bill 9B to restructure the district. The bill, in part, gave the district a new name, and appointed a new board of DeSantis-picked directors to oversee it. This crony-packed board lost most of its power this past March after being outsmarted by Disney lawyers. The defanged board then tried to undo what had been done, leading to an immediate lawsuit filed by Disney on April 26 to fight back against the state and DeSantis.
Ron DeSantis and California Governor Newsom respond to canned plans
California Governor Gavin Newsom was quick to respond to today’s news, tweeting, “Turns out, bigoted policies have consequences. That’s 2,000+ jobs that will be welcomed back with open arms to the Golden State. Thank you for doing the right thing, Disney.”
Shortly after the news broke that Disney was canceling its plans to invest more jobs and money into Florida, DeSantis press secretary Jeremy Redfern shared a statement about the situation. According to Redfern, the state was “unsure” that the planned facility in Lake Nona would ever happen. He also suggested that Disney was in “financial straits” and that this move was “unsurprising.”
“Disney announced the possibility of a Lake Nona campus nearly two years ago,” said Redfern in the statement. “Nothing ever came of the project, and the state was unsure whether it would come to fruition. Given the company’s financial straits, falling market cap, and declining stock price, it is unsurprising that they would restructure their business operations and cancel unsuccessful ventures.”
While DeSantis and his office may be playing this one cool at the moment, it’s unlikely they are happy to see billions of dollars in future taxes and revenue, as well as thousands of jobs, vanish into the ether as Disney begins to reevaluate how much business it wants to conduct in Florida going forward.
A Scottish ultramarathon runner who initially finished third in a 50-mile race in England was disqualified after officials discovered she had traveled in a car for a section of the course. What do you think?
“Too many rules can ruin a sport.”
Arthur DePew, Job Enthusiast
Area Man Reports Ziploc Bag Just As Good As Wallet
“Sometimes public transit just isn’t an option.”
Kara Barton, Professional Doodler
“I’m more suspicious of the two people who outran her car.”
TALLAHASSEE, FL—In an ongoing effort to protect children from sexually explicit scenes, Gov. Ron DeSantis banned births in the state of Florida on Tuesday, citing the need to protect impressionable infants from exposure to vaginas. “No longer will we allow our innocent babies, in the first moments of their lives, to witness any obscenity, including the female genitalia,” said DeSantis, explaining that every time a person gives birth vaginally, child protective services will be called and the perpetrator will be charged with a felony for endangering a minor. “The radical left is trying to groom our nation’s young by having them pass through the birth canal, claiming that it’s natural and healthy. But here in Florida, we know that shoving a baby out of a woman’s vagina is pornographic, and we’re not going to tolerate it. Not on my watch.” At press time, state police had arrested millions of Floridians on charges of molestation, alleging they had exposed unborn children to their reproductive organs for up to nine months.
Arizona Gov. Doug Doucey is erecting an illegal border wall of double-stacked shipping containers along parts of the U.S.–Mexico border, which runs through federal and tribal land, as a final act before he leaves office in January. What do you think?
“The best security measures are always makeshift.”
Jewell Arnold, Propaganda Strategist
“I don’t understand why he can’t just do it legally.”
