MANASSAS, VA—Claiming that the gift was simply a gesture of kindness rather than an ethics violation, Supreme Court Justice Clarence Thomas stated Friday that there was nothing wrong with a wealthy donor renting out an entire D.C.-area water park just for him. “One friend is allowed to treat another friend to a nice, relaxing day of wet and wild fun in the sun, aren’t they?” said Thomas from the middle of a cozy tube floating down SplashDown’s lazy river, explaining how much easier it was to enjoy all 13 acres of northern Virginia’s largest water park when there were no lines or other people sharing the attractions. “Harlan Crow and I go back many years, so there’s nothing unusual or nefarious about him paying $600,000 for them to open up before their season has even started and attend to my every whim to make sure I have a total blast. Show me in the bylaws where I’m violating a condition of my employment by riding the Tropical Twister as many times as I want with no wait. Plus, Neil and Sonya are going to be so jealous when I go back to work with a solid tan and a belly full of free ice cream.” At press time, Crow had reportedly tipped a teenaged pool attendant $1,500 to carry Thomas up the wooden stairs at Pipeline Tower so he could go for another ride.

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