TALLAHASSEE, FL—In an ongoing effort to protect children from sexually explicit scenes, Gov. Ron DeSantis banned births in the state of Florida on Tuesday, citing the need to protect impressionable infants from exposure to vaginas. “No longer will we allow our innocent babies, in the first moments of their lives, to witness any obscenity, including the female genitalia,” said DeSantis, explaining that every time a person gives birth vaginally, child protective services will be called and the perpetrator will be charged with a felony for endangering a minor. “The radical left is trying to groom our nation’s young by having them pass through the birth canal, claiming that it’s natural and healthy. But here in Florida, we know that shoving a baby out of a woman’s vagina is pornographic, and we’re not going to tolerate it. Not on my watch.” At press time, state police had arrested millions of Floridians on charges of molestation, alleging they had exposed unborn children to their reproductive organs for up to nine months.
