There’s a quiet grief that has settled in my bones over the years — a subtle, enduring, invisible sadness I never expected when I first became a parent. It’s the grief of constantly co-regulating my child, who is autistic with ADHD, and whose big emotions are often beyond their control.
Co-regulation means being present, constantly shifting my own emotional state, even when I’m not ready, to match the urgency of my child’s. I’ve learned to steady my breath when theirs quickens, to lower my voice, to adjust the environment, to make them feel safe. But when the storm passes, there’s often no space for me to process the emotional toll it’s taken.
Co-regulation is not just about calming my child in a single moment of distress but about managing their entire emotional landscape day after day, which can vary considerably. It means that I am hypervigilant about my child’s needs, always ready to step in, always holding my breath in anticipation of the next emotional storm. I feel like the safety net that keeps it all from crashing down, but what happens when I can no longer be that lifeline?
Extreme Emotional Labor, Grief, and Parental Burnout
Parental self-regulation is part of co-regulation, but it doesn’t come easy, especially with a highly dysregulated child. Most days feel like I’m perpetually “on,” suppressing my own emotions because my child needs me to be stable. There is hardly opportunity to recuperate before the next emotional explosion. Who holds me when I need to fall apart? This constant emotional labor, this unyielding responsibility, is the grief that no one sees.
This grief is compounded by isolation. People offer sympathy, but they rarely understand what it is to co-regulate a child with unique needs.
There is also anticipatory grief about the future — how my child’s needs will evolve as they grow older. What will independence look like for them? Will they find lasting relationships, joy, fulfillment? These worries weigh heavily on me, and I feel guilty for not being more hopeful.
Under the Grief: The Myth of the Perfect Parent
In the midst of it all, there are durable moments of love, hope, and connection that make it worthwhile. There are times when my child looks at me with a calmness that tells me they’ve found peace, moments when our bond feels unbreakable. Co-regulating has deepened my understanding of love and what it means to be there for someone, no matter how difficult the journey.
But even in those moments, the grief lingers. It’s woven into the fabric of our lives, an ever-present companion. And I’ve come to realize that the grief of co-regulating my child is part of a larger, often unspoken narrative we’ve internalized about parenting — that it requires constant sacrifice, self-effacement, and emotional depletion. The idea that we must become martyrs in our efforts to be the “perfect parent.”
We are often conditioned to believe that if we’re not always giving, always doing, always available, that we’re failing our children. The myth of the “perfect parent” tells us that our own needs are secondary, that love for our children means putting ourselves last – a construct that is especially harming to parents of neurodivergent children. But the truth is, we do our children a disservice when we sacrifice ourselves to this extent. We also risk losing the sense of who we are outside of being caregivers.
I’m learning that to set boundaries and prioritize my own well-being is uncomfortable, inconvenient, and often met with judgment. There’s grief in this too — the grief of wanting to take up space without apology, of being seen as less than for simply existing as I am. But I know the cost of not speaking up is greater. When I sacrifice my voice, I lose my health, my confidence, and my joy.
Despite the grief and discomfort, I keep moving forward — balancing the pain and love, exhaustion and connection, finding strength in the quiet understanding that I am doing the best I can. I am my child’s lifeline, but I am also mine.
Co-Regulation: Next Steps for Neurodivergent Families
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Caloric restriction can boost levels of brain-derived neurotrophic factor (BDNF), which is considered to play a critical role in mood disorders.
For more than a century, fasting has been espoused as a treatment of supposed “great utility in the preservation of health,” especially rejuvenating the body and, above all, the mind. When people fast for even 18 hours, though, they may get hungry and irritable. After one or two days, positive mood goes down and negative mood goes up, and after three days, fasters can increasingly feel sad, self-blame, and suffer a loss of libido. Then, something strange starts to happen: People experience a “fasting-induced mood enhancement…reflected by decreased anxiety, depression, fatigue, and improved vigor.” Studies tend to show this across the board. Once you get over the hump, fasters frequently experience “an increased level of vigilance and a mood improvement, a subjective feeling of well-being, and sometimes of euphoria.” And, no wonder, as, by then, endorphin levels may rise by nearly 50 percent, as seen here and at 1:06 in my video Friday Favorites: Fasting to Treat Depression.
This enhancement of mood, alertness, and calm makes a certain amount of evolutionary sense. Our body wants us to feel poorly initially so we continue to eat, day to day, when food is available, but if we go a couple of days without food, our body realizes we can’t just mope in our cave; we need to get motivated to go out and find some calories.
So, can fasting be used for mood disorders, like depression? It’s great that people can feel better after a few days of fasting, but the critical question revolves around the “persistence of mood improvement over time” once fasting ends and eating resumes. The little published evidence we have comes out of Japan and the former Soviet Union, and some of it is just ridiculous, like this study that included women with a variety of symptoms, which the researchers blame mostly on marital conflict, as you can see below and at 2:08 in my video. Husband not treating you right? How about some “electroshock therapy”? That didn’t seem to help much, so what about “hunger therapy”? Of course, starving the women made them hungry, but that’s what Thorazine is for. If they keep getting injected with an antipsychotic to calm them down, they can sail right through. So, what happened in the study? What would we even do with those results?
Another study, however, skipped the Thorazine. The participants fasted for ten days, but they were also kept in bed all day on “absolute bed rest,” completely isolated and “prohibited from seeing other people except the attending doctor and nurse…also denied access to television, radio, newspapers or any other forms of information.” So, if people got better or worse, it would be impossible to tease out the effects of the fasting component on its own. But researchers found that they apparently did get better, with efficacy reportedly demonstrated in 31 out of 36 patients suffering from depression, as seen here and at 2:56 in my video.
The researchers concluded that fasting therapy may provide an alternative to the use of antidepressant drugs, “thinking the fasting therapy may be a kind of shock therapy.” People are so relieved to be eating again, to get out of solitary confinement, and to even just get out of bed that they report feeling better. That was at the time of discharge, though. How did they feel the next day, the next week, the next month? Fasting is, by definition, unsustainable, so what we want to ideally see are some kind of longer-lasting effects.
Researchers did a follow-up with a few hundred patients, not just a few months later, but after a few years. Of the 69 who were evidently suffering from depression, 90 percent reported feeling good or excellent results at the end of the ten-day fast, and, remarkably, years later, 87 percent of the 62 individuals who replied claimed that they were still doing well. Now, there was no control group, so we don’t know if they would have done just as well or even better without the fast, and it was all self-reporting, so there may have been a response bias where participants tried to please the researchers. Who knows? Maybe they were afraid they’d get sent back to solitary if they didn’t respond affirmatively. We have no idea, but we do have good evidence for the short-term mood benefits.
Why would fasting improve feelings of depression? In addition to the endorphins and the surge in serotonin, the so-called happiness hormone, when we fast, there is a bump in brain-derived neurotrophic factor (BDNF), which is considered to play a crucial role in mood disorders. Researchers have perked up rodents with it, but we aren’t rats or mice. What about us? Humans with major depression have lower levels of BDNF circulating in their bloodstream. Autopsy studies of suicide victims show only about half the BDNF in certain key brain regions, compared to controls, suggesting it may play an important role in suicidal behavior, as seen here and at 4:38 in my video.
We can boost BDNF with antidepressant drugs and electroshock; we can also boost it with caloric restriction. We can get a 70 percent boost in levels after three months of cutting 25 percent of calories out of our daily diet, as shown below and at 4:51.
Is there anything we can add to our diets to boost BNDF levels so we can get the benefits without the hunger? We’ll find out next.
As I cleaned out my desk drawer recently, I stumbled upon a collection of pictures I intended to share but never did: school photos, holiday cards, baby pictures. Sweet moments now engulfed in flames of guilt. Not a single picture had ever been mailed out as I had planned.
The shame was immediate. I thought back to the wedding thank-you notes, Christmas cards of years past, and other items that I likewise never got around to mailing. I remembered the many times I thought, “I’ll get to it later.” But later stretched into years, and now here we are.
The regret is present and heavy as I equate my lack of follow-through with incontrovertible proof of my laziness and carelessness. That I’m a terrible parent and friend by extension.
I’m no stranger to automatic thoughts like these and to trips down the shame spiral — journeys familiar to practically everyone with ADHD. But I’m also becoming more adept at the essential art of reframing.
Though I live with ADHD, I am still learning and accepting that the condition impacts my ability to:
hold on to important information
initiate tasks without external pressure
manage time – because my perception of it is different
remember things I can’t see – if something isn’t in front of me, it easily slips my mind
Break the ADHD Shame Cycle
Nowadays, I’m getting better at reminding myself that some challenges are not a matter of willpower, but of how my brain is wired. When I notice myself spiraling into shame, I pause and ask myself four questions:
Do I love my child?
Am I a good person?
Is shame helping me in any positive way?
What does help? Utilizing strategies, self-acceptance, and forgiveness.
So, I talk back to that critical voice. I’ve even given it the name “Britta.” (Inspired by the well-intentioned but often chaotic character from the show Community.) I challenge those ANTs (automatic negative thoughts) and recognize when my rejection sensitivity is kicking in.
Then, I focus on next steps. Can I take some action to rectify the problem, or is it a matter of letting go and moving on? Do I need to work backward from the desired outcome to determine next steps? Do I need to call an accountability buddy (a body double) to help me focus?
For now, I’ve decided to let go and keep the photos in the drawer. This time, though, I add a handwritten note for future me, designed to halt shame in its tracks. It reads: “These unsent pictures do not mean that you are a bad mother. You are a mom with ADHD who is navigating a full life, and that is perfectly acceptable.”
Shame Cycle and ADHD: Next Steps
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You want to feel close. You want to be present during sex. But instead, your brain won’t stop buzzing. You’re thinking about your to-do list, or that weird sound the fan is making, or how your bra strap suddenly feels like a vice grip. Your brain might obsessively loop on whether you’re “doing it right” or if your partner is satisfied. The mood is gone, and now you’re stuck in your head wondering, “Why can’t I just focus and enjoy this?”
As a clinical sexologist and sex therapist who specializes in ADHD, I hear this all the time. Women with ADHD, especially, come in feeling broken or ashamed because they can’t seem to stay in the moment, even when they want to. They wonder if they have low libido, or if something is wrong with their relationship, or worse, with them.
But the issue often isn’t low desire. It’s about ADHD-related challenges that cause low bandwidth. These issues can show up in surprising ways during intimacy, and when they do, we often misinterpret them.
ADHD Women and Sex: Why It Feels Like “Too Much”
For many people with ADHD, sex is unpredictable, overstimulating, or emotionally confusing. Sensory overload, distraction, and a flooded nervous system all make it difficult to access pleasure, let alone stay present long enough to enjoy it.
Some people shut down in these moments. Others mask what they’re feeling to avoid hurting their partner’s feelings. Many just disconnect and then spiral with guilt, wondering why they can’t “just be into it.” They think they simply aren’t meant to enjoy sex.
But here’s the thing: ADHD brains often need structure, stimulation, and clarity to stay engaged. And most sex advice out there doesn’t account for that.
Many ADHD Brains Need Structure and Stimulation to Enjoy Sex
As part of my doctoral research, I studied 65 women who had or suspected they had ADHD. I wanted to understand how attention struggles affected sexual satisfaction and whether certain sexual environments might actually support focus and presence like I saw happening for so many of my clients.
Specifically, I looked at BDSM. Yes, that’s right: Bondage, Discipline, Dominance, Submission, Sadism, and Masochism. But not in the sensationalized way you might be picturing. I studied it as a structured, consensual, often sensory-rich form of intimacy that might provide what ADHD brains are missing in more “typical” sex.
And what I found was compelling: The more a participant struggled with attention, the more likely she was to engage in BDSM, and report feeling more satisfied and focused on those experiences.
It turns out that many of the elements of BDSM naturally align with the needs of an ADHD brain:
Clear roles and expectations: You know what’s happening, what’s coming next, and what your role is, which reduces cognitive overwhelm.
High stimulation: Touch, sound, and movement are often more intense, which can help ADHD brains stay present.
Built-in communication: Most BDSM dynamics involve clear negotiation, check-ins, and feedback, which helps reduce second-guessing and overthinking.
Permission to pause: The emphasis on consent means there’s always space to slow down, stop, or readjust without shame.
For many participants, BDSM was about clarity, focus, and feeling more in their bodies.
What This Means for You
If you have ADHD and find yourself struggling with presence or satisfaction during sex, it doesn’t mean you’re broken, “bad at sex,” or even that you have low desire. It might just mean that the way you’re approaching intimacy isn’t working for your brain.
This doesn’t mean everyone needs to jump into kink. But it does suggest that you may benefit from:
More structured, intentional intimacy
Higher levels of sensation or novelty
Clear communication about what feels good or overwhelming
Environments that reduce unpredictability and distraction
In other words, it’s not about “fixing” your desire. It’s about finding the context where desire can actually show up.
How to Enjoy Sex: Let’s Rethink ADHD and Sex Drive
What if instead of asking, “How can I stop overthinking during sex?” or, “How do I get in the mood?” we started asking:
What does my body need to feel safe right now?
What type of stimulation helps me stay present?
How much downtime or prep does my brain need before switching into intimacy mode?
These are ADHD-informed questions. And they often reveal that the desire is there; it’s just waiting for the right environment.
ADHD and Sex Drive: Next Steps
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The consumption of THC-dominant cannabis products is associated with sustained reductions in anxiety and depression, according to newly published data in the Journal of Affective Disorders.
Investigators affiliated with the Johns Hopkins University School of Medicine in Baltimore assessed the use of state-authorized medical cannabis products in a cohort of 33 participants with clinically significant anxiety or depression. Subjects in the study were naïve to cannabis. Study participants used a variety of cannabis products, including botanical and edible preparations, as needed for six months.
“Initiation of THC-dominant medicinal cannabis was associated with acute reductions in anxiety and depression, and sustained reductions in overall symptom severity over a 6-month period,” researchers reported. Improvements in patients’ quality of life and overall health satisfaction were also observed. Medicinal cannabis use was not associated with the development of physical or psychological problems.
“Collectively these data offer insights into the therapeutic effects of medicinal cannabis when it is used by a population with clinically significant anxiety and depression,” the study’s authors concluded. “The positive response, reflected by reductions in anxiety and/or depression by most participants, support the need for continued investigation of medicinal cannabis or related cannabinoid therapeutics as pharmacological treatments for anxiety and depression symptom relief, ideally with randomized, placebo-controlled trials.”
NORML’s Deputy Director Paul Armentano said that the study’s findings are “consistent with those of prior assessments concluding that cannabis provides patients with sustained ‘statistically significant improvements’ on validated measurements of anxiety and depression.” Armentano also acknowledged that the adoption of cannabis legalization laws is associated with declines in prescriptions of anxiolytic drugs like benzodiazepines, as well as anti-depressants.
According to survey data, those who acknowledge consuming cannabis for purposes of self-medication are most likely to report doing so to alleviate pain, anxiety, sleep disturbances, and/or depression.
An abstract of the study, “Acute and chronic effects of medicinal cannabis use on anxiety and depression in a prospective cohort of patients new to cannabis,” appears in theJournal of Affective Disorders.
I thought I sucked at life. On the outside, I was positive and upbeat, a married mom of three, a business owner. I had a mortgage, an investment property, a postgraduate degree in psychology. I had friends, prospects, blonde highlights. On the inside, I felt broken.
I faked enthusiasm for most conversations. I was either painfully uninterested in the small talk of the other school moms, or wishing I could mitigate my ever-present fatigue with a nap by midday. Every social event left me exhausted by anxious rumination. Why did I say that? What did they think of me? I’m so hopeless.
By the end of the day, every noise felt like nails on a chalkboard: my kids scraping their dinner plates, the neighbor’s electric gate buzzing, my husband swallowing his beer. The touch of my children, wanting a cuddle, made me recoil. I had to sleep alone to avoid the distressing sounds of someone else’s breathing.
My adulthood was peppered with jobs abandoned, degrees unfinished. I loved my role as a telephone counselor but felt the excruciating closeness of my colleagues’ cubicles like a cheese grater on an open wound. I adored owning my own coffee van, thriving in the autonomy and pride of working alone, but I didn’t have energy once I got home. I often spent weekends in bed, my body and mind depleted in burnout. I spent hours applying makeup and doing my hair before leaving my house, hyperconscious of how I would be perceived. Later, I would pick at my skin until it bled as I pored over the minutia of the day. Did everything go okay? Was I okay?
I already had diagnoses of ADHD and complex trauma, but I still had many questions. Why did everyone else seem to move so easily through life? Why couldn’t I be at ease around others instead of agonizing over how much eye contact I gave during conversation? Why was I so sensitive to sounds, smells, and my environment? Why did I never miss others when they weren’t around, and feel the sting of rejection so sharply, and hide behind the couch when my doorbell rang even though I desperately wanted to connect?
I already suspected the diagnosis, of course. A lot of us do. Although I don’t have hyperfixations or stereotypical obsessional interests in trains, my “for you” page on TikTok has been entirely neurodivergent for the past few years. That’s me! I would think as I scrolled through video after video of late-diagnosed, high-masking autistic women sharing their experiences. I do that! I feel that! That’s me. And then my inner critic would come in. No, it isn’t. You’re just pathetic. You’re unlikeable, lazy, worthless. You’re not okay, and you suck at life. For 40 years, I believed that voice.
So, while I suspected autism, I had my doubts, too. Sure, it costs me enormous amounts of planning, exhaustion, and recovery just to be a human in this world, but that’s normal, right?
Um, nope. That’s autism — at least how it manifests for me. When my big YES moment came and my evaluator confirmed my diagnosis, I felt an exhausted sort of calm. That question-mark box inside of me gently ticked itself in sage green, my favorite color. My experience is real. I’m not defective. I’m not faking the enormous strength it takes me to show up in this world.
Peeling back the layers of my diagnoses with my psychologist, processing my past, and medicating my dopamine-deficient brain not only uncovered my social and sensory sensitivities but helped me to understand them.
My brain is beautiful, and different, and it has tried so very hard to fit in in this world. I have been very good at fitting in, and I have paid the price for it every day. Taking off the neurotypical mask is a scary process because I don’t know what lies underneath. What I do know is I am tired of putting it on every day. I don’t have enough spoons of energy, and I’m finally beginning to say so.
I don’t have to say yes to social events I don’t wish to attend. I can be open about the fact that my social battery can suddenly and inexplicably run out, and that I want — no, need — to go home and sit in the shower to regulate. I can talk about the weird things I find interesting and laugh about the weird things most people consider normal. I can mourn the decades lost in muddling through and be grateful for the financial privilege of obtaining an autism assessment. I can also be horrified that others will go through their lives without validation, understanding, and support instead of celebrating their unique brains.
So, yes, I do suck at life. I suck at expending more energy than I have in pretending to be like everyone else, just because I have the ability to hide my differences. I suck at knowing what to say and how to act around people, and I suck at pretending that certain noises and smells don’t bother me or that my feelings aren’t so very tender.
But for the first time, I can try on the idea that this is OK. That there might be a whole new way of living that supports my needs, sensitivities, and dreams. Where I can thrive as my true, messy self and be proud of who I am.
My diagnosis and these words are my first tentative steps into this new world. It’s a little bit scary, and my navigation system may look different from yours. What is guiding me now is better understanding, and a determination to believe myself when I say that I don’t suck. I am okay, and I have been okay, all along.
High-Masking Autistic Women: Next Steps
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High-intensity interval training (HIIT) is a popular form of exercise that involves alternating between short, intense bursts of movement and brief periods of rest. As an ADHD coach, I’ve always considered the HIIT method to be well-suited for people with ADHD outside of fitness. The short intervals of work and rest are manageable and work to sustain focus and mental engagement.
With my own clients, I’ve adapted HIIT into a protocol for helping them manage dreaded tasks and get things done. I call it high-intensity interval tasking. Here’s how it works:
High-Intensity Interval Tasking: Getting Chores Done with ADHD
1. Think of a task that you consistently struggle to start or finish. I’m choosing folding and putting away laundry into drawers and closets. (Ugh!)
2. Decide how much time you want to allot to the task (this includes rest time, which we’ll get to). Note that you’re not basing it off how much time you have, but how much time you can realistically devote to the task without becoming frustrated or burning out. With that in mind, could you commit to a total of 5 minutes? 10? 15?
3. Within this timeframe, determine the ideal duration of your “work” (high intensity) intervals and your “rest” cycles. For example, two minutes of work and one minute of rest.
4. Use a timer, your Alexa device, or a free third-party interval timer app to set your work and rest points for the timeframe you chose.
5. Start the timer (I’m choosing 15 minutes) and begin folding clothes with as much intensity as possible for the work period you allotted. In this case, I’ve set aside two minutes. Note that intensity doesn’t necessarily equate to speed but to effort. Another way to think of intensity is “intention.” What does it mean to give it your all for two minutes? Do you have to fold laundry in another room to stay focused? Do you need music to help you stay motivated while you fold and put clothes away?
6. Stop when the timer goes off and rest for the time you noted. (One minute in this case.) Do what you will as you rest — scroll through your phone, pace around — just make sure to respect the rest time you’ve given yourself.
7. Start folding and storing away clothes again with intensity/intention when the timer goes off again.
8. Continue the process until the timeframe completes.
If you find yourself getting distracted or not working as intensely as you know you can, try shortening your work intervals. A few seconds of focused, intentional work may be better and more motivating than minutes of distracted work. Over time, your ability to work intensely on a task should improve.
Doing Chores & Getting Things Done with ADHD: Next Steps
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My heart races as I listen to my kids in the other room. I can tell their play has taken a turn and is now getting sticky. I listen a little longer to see if they can work it out. Nope — things have escalated. I move quickly, hoping to break it up, but it’s too late. My youngest is crying and yelling, while my other kid still looks like they want to hurt someone.
I hate seeing my kids fight. I do all I can to prevent it, but it is inevitable. Siblings fight, and that’s normal. (Even as a therapist, it’s hard for me to accept this!) What I can control is my response to the fighting. I can step in, set loving limits, and try to teach my children that, while some conflict is normal, there are productive ways to manage emotions and handle disagreements so that things can go a little better next time. Here’s how I, as a therapist and a mom of three, including a child with ADHD, manage sibling conflicts in my home.
1. Do not take sides. This one is hard — if one kid is crying, then we often assume that the other one must be at fault, right? No, not necessarily. (The crying kid, for example, might have been bugging their sibling all week until they hit a breaking point.) The point is, fault is somewhat beside the point. It’s best to approach sibling fights with the understanding that your kids are dysregulated, struggling, and in need of your help.
2. Wait to talk. If children have reached the point of fighting, then they’ve reached the point where they’ve “flipped their lid” as psychiatrist Daniel Siegel, M.D., puts it. This is when the thinking part of their brain goes offline. It takes about 20 minutes to regulate and get out of this fight-or-flight mode.
If you try to talk to your children before their brain comes back online, they will likely not be able to take in what you’re saying, no matter how logical or comforting your words may be. If anything, you’ll just add to their stress response.
So, what should you do? Separate your children if possible and wait. Tina Payne Bryson, Ph.D., refers to this as a “time in” in her book co-authored with Siegel, No-Drama Discipline. Give your children time and space to allow their prefrontal cortexes to come back online. If needed, remind them about self-regulation tools, like deep breathing, counting to 10, or listening to calming music.
3. Approach each sibling separately. In private, talk to each child about what happened, and don’t assume that you know what started the issue. Even if you do know, allowing your child to explain will help them feel better. (Think about how you, as an adult, feel when you get to explain yourself instead of being shut down.) When a child feels heard and understood, it helps regulate their nervous system. They can calm down quicker and think more clearly.
4. Validate and acknowledge. Talking to your children separately will also give you space to validate feelings without making anyone feel bad or like you’re taking sides. If your child says, “She always takes my stuff without asking! I am never going to let her touch anything of mine again!” You can say, “I’d be angry, too, if someone touched my things without asking.” Or, “Yes, it is hard to have a sibling who often takes your stuff without asking.” Never make your child feel like what they’re upset about is trivial. It’s never a small matter to them, and brushing off their feelings will only intensify them.
Contrary to what most parents fear, validating your child won’t cause them to double down on their anger or commit to, say, NEVER let their sibling touch their stuff again. Validating will simply allow your child to vent and regulate.
5. What could you do next time? Finally, the step where many of us would like to begin: the conversation about how the situation can be handled differently next time. It’s tempting to jump straight to lessons learned, but this is a conversation that can only be had once brains are back online and everyone is regulated.
The conversation can start like this: “Hey, I know it is really hard when your sibling takes your stuff without asking. Is there another way this could be handled?” Giving your child a chance to problem-solve will strengthen this essential skill and help them feel more in control.
Offer ideas if they need help, like, “If you see your sister playing with your stuff, you could say, ‘Hey, you did not ask me to play with that. I’d like for you to ask me before you grab my stuff, please.’” On your end, notice if any patterns come up around fighting. Are fights happening when routines are disrupted? When one child feels ignored? When one child has too much pent-up energy? When your children are hungry or thirsty? When rules and expectations are not fully understood?
Big emotions are normal, especially if you’re raising neurodivergent children. But you can teach your children to regulate and resolve conflicts by meeting them with curiosity, compassion, and understanding.
Siblings Fighting: Next Steps
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Many of my clients describe rejection sensitive dysphoria (RSD) — the intense fear and pain associated with rejection and criticism, real or perceived — as overwhelming, confusing, and isolating. I agree with them, as I’ve experienced it myself.
The more I’ve reflected, the more I’ve come to understand that RSD — with its all-consuming episodes accompanied by shame and a desire to withdraw or spiral — is about far more than rejection or emotional sensitivity.
RSD gets to our deep-seated fears about letting the world see the real us. RSD is really about the panic of being unmasked. I see this as “unmasking dysphoria,” a trauma-linked reaction to being exposed in ways that feel unsafe.
The Cost of Masking
Neurodivergent people learn to mask, or hide the traits that make them different, to navigate environments not built for their brains. It’s not a choice but a survival strategy to avoid punishment, misunderstanding, or exclusion.
Masking takes on many forms. It can look like overcommitting (to ward off suspicions of incompetence), manufacturing urgency (because external pressure is needed to finish tasks), scripting and rehearsing conversations, and obsessively rereading messages. It can look like keeping a low profile to avoid saying something impulsive or “stupid” and being exposed.
Masking requires constant self-monitoring and adjusting, leading many people to feel on edge all the time. Some of my clients describe it as a low-level fear of getting in trouble for doing something wrong, a feeling enforced by past instances of being reprimanded for their symptoms.
Masking, especially in the long-term, harms mental health. It forces people to internalize that their natural way of being is wrong and unacceptable. This chronic invalidation and exclusion of the self is a form of trauma that rewires the nervous system. Even if it doesn’t meet the traditional definition of trauma, it changes how we emotionally respond to the world. It’s why moments when the mask slips feel not just uncomfortable, but unsafe.
This Isn’t Just Sensitivity
Many people, with or without ADHD, are sensitive to criticism. But RSD runs deeper. It’s about fear of exposure.
The people who experience RSD most intensely are those who have mastered masking. They have gone to great lengths to hide their neurodivergence, allowing the world only to see (a version of) competence, not the immense mental load beneath.
But when traits they’ve worked so hard to suppress suddenly show, things collapse. The world has caught a glimpse of their true, flawed self. They spiral, withdraw, and melt down, not because anyone rejected them, but because they no longer feel safely hidden.
This is how I felt when I froze during a mock interview recently, despite prepping for days. I felt ashamed beyond embarrassment.
My brother said, “This is just an RSD episode — you’re not thinking clearly. It’s going to pass.” He was right. But the shame wasn’t about the interview. It was about the mask slipping and a part of me being exposed that I’ve spent my life trying to manage or hide.
It’s not always about fear of public exposure. A client lost his passport, canceling a vacation no one else knew about. There was no rejection involved. But he still spiraled into shame because his hidden disorganization surfaced. It was the loss of his mask, even to himself, that hurt.
A Different Framing: Unmasking Dysphoria
RSD is a trauma-related response to involuntary unmasking. What appears as emotional overreaction often reflects the nervous system’s response to unmasking and thus perceived exposure, regardless of whether the person consciously recognizes it.
Not all triggers link directly to ADHD traits or obvious masking. Triggers can be breakups, delayed texts, or vague feedback. The core fear remains: being too much, too difficult, or defective. Many with ADHD carry these narratives after adapting to unwelcoming environments. In those moments, what surfaces isn’t just fear. It’s unmasking dysphoria.
This view aligns with principles of trauma-informed care, which recognize how feeling safe, having a sense of control over one’s life, and understanding past experiences shape emotional responses.
Key points:
The real trigger is the perception of being unmasked.
The emotional intensity isn’t fragility but collapse after years of effortful self-monitoring.
These feelings tie back to identity, shame, and safety.
Why the Reframe Matters
As a trauma-informed clinician and a person with lived experience, I believe this framing deserves deeper research, especially for those with ADHD who carry emotional wounds from chronic invalidation. Better understanding the why behind RSD can guide interventions beyond surface emotion regulation toward reducing shame and increasing self-acceptance and healing.
This understanding also helps validate the exhaustion caused by masking and honors its protective role. It encourages separating performance from worth and treating the emotional collapse as a predictable, reasonable trauma-related response.
Ultimately, this shift moves the focus from sensitivity to survival and pathology to context —allowing people to receive deeper support, develop self-understanding, and show up fully and unapologetically.
Rejection Sensitivity, Masking, and ADHD: Next Steps
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How much nori, dulse, or arame approximates the recommended daily allowance for iodine?
Dairy milk supplies between a quarter and a half of the daily iodine requirement in the United States, though milk itself has “little native iodine.” The iodine content in cow’s milk is mainly determined by factors like “the application of iodine-containing teat disinfectants,” and the “iodine residues in milk originate mainly from the contamination of the teat surface…” Indeed, the teats of dairy cows are typically sprayed or dipped with betadine-type disinfectants, and the iodine just kind of leaches into their milk, as you can see at 0:35 in my video Friday Favorites: The Healthiest Natural Source of Iodine.
Too bad most of the plant-based milks on the market aren’t enriched with iodine, too. Fortified soy milk is probably the healthiest of the plant milks, but even if it were enriched with iodine, what about the effects soy may have on thyroid function? When I searched the medical literature on soy and thyroid, this study popped up: “A Cost-Effective, Easily Available Tofu Model for Training Residents in Ultrasound-Guided Fine Needle Thyroid Nodule Targeting Punctures”—an economical way to train residents to do thyroid biopsies by sticking the ultrasound probe right on top a block of tofu and get to business, as you can see below and at 1:10 in my video. It turns out that our thyroid gland looks a lot like tofu on ultrasound.
Anyway, “the idea that soya may influence thyroid function originated over eight decades ago when marked thyroid enlargement was seen in rats fed raw soybeans.” (People living in Asian countries have consumed soy foods for centuries, though, “with no perceptible thyrotoxic effects,” which certainly suggests their safety.) The bottom line is that there does not seem to be a problem for people who have normal thyroid function. However, soy foods may inhibit the oral absorption of Synthroid and other thyroid hormone replacement drugs, but so do all foods. That’s why we tell patients to take it on an empty stomach. But you also have to be getting enough iodine, so it may be particularly “important for soy food consumers to make sure their intake of iodine is adequate.”
What’s the best way to get iodine? For those who use table salt, make sure it’s iodized. “Currently, only 53% of salt sold for use in homes contains iodine, and salt used in processed foods typically is not iodized.” Ideally, we shouldn’t add any salt at all, of course, since it is “a public health hazard.” A paper was titled: “Salt, the Neglected Silent Killer.” Think it’s a little over the top? Dietary salt is the number one dietary risk factor for death on planet Earth, wiping out more than three million people a year, twice as bad as not eating your vegetables, as you can see here and at 2:38 in my video.
In that case, what’s the best source of iodine then? Sea vegetables, as you can see below and at 2:50. We can get a little iodine here and there from a whole variety of foods, but the most concentrated source by far is seaweed. We can get up to nearly 2,000 percent of our daily allowance in just a single gram, about the weight of a paperclip.
“Given that iodine is extensively stored in the thyroid, it can safely be consumed intermittently,” meaning we don’t have to get it every day, “which makes seaweed use in a range of foods attractive and occasional seaweed intake enough to ensure iodine sufficiency.” However, some seaweed has overly high iodine content, like kelp, and should be used with caution. Too much iodine can cause hyperthyroidism, a hyperactive thyroid gland. A woman presented with a racing heartbeat, insomnia, anxiety, and weight loss, thanks to taking just two tablets containing kelp a day.
In my last video, I noted how the average urinary iodine level of vegans was less than the ideal levels, but there was one kelp-eating vegan with a urinary concentration over 9,000 mcg/liter. Adequate intake is when you’re peeing out 100 to 199 mcg/liter, and excessive iodine intake is when you break 300 mcg/liter. Clearly, 9,437 mcg/liter is way too much.
As you can see below and at 3:57 in my video, the recommended average daily intake is 150 mcg per day for non-pregnant, non-breastfeeding adults, and we may want to stay below 600 mcg a day on a day-to-day basis, but a tablespoon of kelp may contain about 2,000 mcg. So, I’d stay away from kelp because it has too much iodine, and I’d also stay away from hijiki because it contains too much arsenic.
This can give you an approximate daily allowance of iodine from some common seaweed preparations: two nori sheets, which you can just nibble on them as snacks like I do; one teaspoon of dulse flakes, which you can just sprinkle on anything; one teaspoon of dried arame, which is great to add to soups; or one tablespoon of seaweed salad.
If iodine is concentrated in marine foods, “this raises the question of how early hominins living in continental areas could have met their iodine requirements.” What do bonobos do? They’re perhaps our closest relatives. During swamp visits, they all forage for aquatic herbs.
Lying is characterized as a common expression of ADHD. It is also widely seen as a character flaw. But people with ADHD don’t bend the truth because they’re inherently flawed; we often lie for one or more of the following perfectly good reasons:
1. Impulsivity. We may blurt out something that isn’t true, and then not feel like we’re able to take it back.
2. Fear of punishment. Those of us with ADHD know what it is to slip up and face consequences — at school, at home, in the workplace, and in life all around. Bending the truth helps us avoid punishment when being criticized for one more thing may be too much to bear.
3. Forgetfulness. We don’t always remember what we say or do. We remember it one way and swear it happened (or didn’t) that way even if it didn’t.
4. Rejection sensitivity. It’s not an exaggeration to say that, for some people, the experience of rejection reaches death-of-a-loved-one levels. Fear of rejection, and the very real, very debilitating distress it can cause, may push us to tell a palatable lie rather than a painful truth.
I relate to all of these reasons for truth-bending. But there is a lot more to it — aspects of which touch on the complex, unspoken parts of the social contract, and how much information we owe others.
There’s lying, and then there’s leaving out information. As a fairly private person, I am selective about what I share. I may give out some details, but not all. And many times I have been accused of lying for not telling the full story. Sometimes it’s not about privacy, but about conserving energy. I leave out information if it would require me to speak or think for longer than I have my bandwidth will allow.
Lying, Or Needing Time to Process?
Related to energy-spending is processing speed. With a neurodivergent brain, it does take me longer than average to process certain things. Unfortunately, this has put me in uncomfortable situations where I am perceived as having lied.
I remember an incident from a decade ago that still stings. Ahead of an event, I indicated spare ribs in the dinner RSVP card, or at least I thought I did. Turns out I had ordered prime rib. On the day of, fully convinced that I ordered spare ribs, I told the event coordinator when my food arrived, “I didn’t order this.” “Yes, you did,” she responded, and added that I should just say I don’t want the dish instead of pretending that I didn’t order it.
I froze. I was confused, thrown off by the coordinator’s reaction, and I was called a liar. I needed a minute to process what had happened and explain myself, but that wasn’t afforded to me. So I gave in and said, “I don’t want it.”
Now imagine growing up with undiagnosed ADHD, as I did, where these experiences happened over and over and over.
I am a private person, in part, because I have struggled with a lifetime of feeling like I talk too much. I worry about oversharing.
Recently, a friend asked me about the medals on my walls. I have medals for completing virtual tours through The Conqueror Challenges. And I have medals that celebrate my sobriety milestones. In that moment, I only told my friend about medals in the former category.
Was it wrong to leave out the truth that some of my medals had to do with freedom from substances? I have zero shame about those medals, and I am proud to be substance-free. Everyone, including my friend, knows I no longer drink or use any other type of mind-altering substance.
But I left out those medals because mentioning them may have led to a longer conversation where I might have rambled, gone off topic, or accidentally gone into “trauma dumping” territory. Still, if this is a friend we’re talking about, shouldn’t I have felt comfortable sharing? Does my omission count as a lie?
Lying, or Not Given the Benefit of the Doubt?
Living with ADHD puts us in situations that often cause us to question our relationship to the truth. We withhold information for fear of oversharing, only to learn that the information was vital to the story. Or we withhold information because we’re not comfortable sharing. Sometimes telling a white lie feels like the end of the world. And, sometimes, when we bring our whole selves, it backfires, and we’re not sure why. We overthink social situations that most would quickly forget about.
No matter the reason for bending or concealing the truth, it’s frustrating and defeating when we’re viewed as flawed people who seek to intentionally deceive and harm. What we need – what we’ve always needed – is the benefit of the doubt.
Why Do People with ADHD Lie? Next Steps
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Is getting to work on time a riddle you can’t solve? Do you still arrive late even when you wake up earlier and rush through your morning routine? You’re far from alone. Tardiness is a common manifestation of ADHD, which is why I encourage you to try these “WORKS” tips to improve your on-time arrival rate.
How to Stop Being Late to Work
Wake up with enough time
“Enough” is key here. Give yourself the time you need to carry out your morning routine and get out of the door. Consider everything that you typically do, from brushing your teeth and feeding your pet to packing your lunch. Don’t just estimate – time yourself and go at your usual pace – to see how long it takes to complete all of your morning steps. Be sure to factor in any steps that sneakily but surely take up time, like snoozing or scrolling through your social media feed.
Once you know how long everything takes, then it’s a matter of making decisions. If you’re surprised by the duration of your routine, where can you streamline or remove some steps? If phone-scrolling is a must, can you keep it to 5 minutes instead of 10?
If you like your morning routine as is — even if that includes snoozing and scrolling through your phone — can you wake up earlier to fit it all in or save scrolling as a reward for arriving early to work? Try setting earlier alarms and placing alarm clocks across your room so you’ll have to exit your bed to shut them off. If this doesn’t work, you know you need to eliminate or condense steps in your morning routine.
Organize the night before
Reduce morning chaos and shorten your routine by preparing as much as you can the evening prior. Consider the following tips, and brainstorm other ways to benefit your future self.
Keep a glass of water on your nightstand and drink it upon waking
Pack your breakfast and lunch
Pack your work bag with your keys, wallet, and other essentials
Load up your automated coffee maker and set the timer for 7 a.m.
Pace your routine
Pace yourself with a timed morning music playlist or with consecutive alarms. Use these pacers to help you know when to wrap up certain steps. Consider keeping analog clocks around your home to better see the passage of time. If you have smart speakers, program them to count down to your departure time.
Know your commute
Getting out of the door is just one part of your morning routine. The next part – your commute – is obviously just as important.
For the next week, time yourself from the moment you leave your door to the moment you “clock in.” Be sure to include the time it takes to park, walk to the door, get to your floor, and make your way to your desk or work station. Calculate an average duration and notice the time that you typically arrive.
Consider whether your commute needs a revamp. Could you explore other routes or modes of transportation to get to your work site? Could you leave before peak travel hours?
If you’re consistently late to work, then a shift in mindset might be in order. There is no “on time” – there is only early or late. In other words, if you’re supposed to be at work at 9 a.m., plan to arrive at 8:30 a.m. That way, even if you’re running late, you’ll still be early. Use Google or Waze to recommend a departure time, then factor in an extra 15 minutes to build a buffer for weather and traffic issues.
Seek accountability
Find an accountability partner to help maintain motivation and on-time arrivals. Ask a co-worker or supervisor to check on your timely arrival. Consider commuting with someone else who will be counting on you. In some cities, carpooling can also allow you to utilize the High Occupancy Vehicle lane, which could decrease your drive time and stress.
How to Stop Being Late to Work: Next Steps
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As a clinical psychologist, I specialize in diagnosing and supporting neurodivergent adults. But my clients tell me that they’re cancelling their kids’ pending evaluations for autism, ADHD, or other conditions in other clinics, citing HHS database fears. I’ve also received emails asking whether it’s safe to seek or obtain a diagnosis given the current political climate.
A colleague who diagnoses autism and ADHD in adults reports that people on the practice’s waitlist have been cancelling their appointments, and that no-shows have increased since news of the HHS registry first broke. Another colleague of mine in a children’s autism clinic has developed language to assure patients that their privacy will remain protected.
The neurodivergent community is on edge. The fear-mongering dialogue from the HHS — and from its head, Robert F. Kennedy, Jr., who said that “autism destroys families” — is affecting people’s ability to trust scientific experts.
Medical Opinion: Don’t Cancel Your Autism Evaluations and Appointments
I can’t predict what the government will do. As a medical provider, I can say that we are bound by Health Insurance Portability and Accountability Act (HIPAA) agreements to protect patient information, and that de-identified data has been used to understand health trends at a population level for as long as we’ve had insurance systems and the Centers for Disease Control and Prevention (CDC). As profoundly upsetting as the administration’s language has been regarding autism, ADHD, and neurodivergence, I can’t help but think about the growing power of the neurodivergent community. Not all is lost, and there are steps you can take today to remain informed and take charge of your family’s health.
If you are waiting for an autism evaluation for your child — and it’s likely that they’ve been on a waiting list for years, given the ongoing shortage of providers — I believe it would be best to go through with the evaluation. Share your privacy concerns with your provider and ask how they’re protecting your family’s medical information. A diagnosis opens the door to appropriate supports, and its benefits far outweigh any risks at this point, in my opinion. The longer a diagnosis and proper supports are delayed, the greater the impact on a child’s self-esteem and emotional health. In other words, the harm caused by further delaying an evaluation is not worth it.
If you are an adult seeking an evaluation, I encourage you to keep your appointment. An adult evaluation can inform your understanding of yourself and support your therapeutic goals. If you are concerned about what will happen to your medical information, know that most providers who perform adult evaluations don’t take insurance, so there isn’t any insurance system in which to put your information. Still, you should ask about how the practice ensures privacy within their electronic health records system.
If you are worried about pursuing an evaluation, know that you also have the option of working with a therapist who can help you with any presenting issues.
The Neurodivergent Community Is Powerful
One of the most powerful forms of resistance is to carry on — to go about our lives and flourish despite our fears, and to continue to advocate. The level of advocacy from this community, from people with lived experience to providers, is unlike anything I’ve ever seen. Autistic parents move mountains to advocate for their children. They create programs where there are none. They find resources, protect, and innovate. Over the last 20 years, the formation of neurodiversity-affirming communities around the world has transformed how we do research and support these families. More informed and empowered than ever before, the neurodivergent community’s ability to protect themselves, advocate, and create change has never been stronger — or more important.
Autism Registry Concerns: Next Steps
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“If it bleeds, it leads”. This is a known and horrendous saying in the news media industry. The more horrible the news, the more likely we are to click on it. The more eyeballs they have on their articles (and ads), the more the money rolls in. And so they keep it coming. This shouldn’t be news to you, and I recognize this is also an unsettling way to start a conversation about rewiring the brain for happiness. But stay with me because this point is important.
Without active vigilance and awareness, our eyes, ears and nervous systems are bombarded with bad news, aggressive television, suspense, and drama. Since March 2020, that bombardment of stress and fear-inducing messaging has skyrocketed.
We have a nervous system igniter in the palm of our hand with smartphones available to give us our fear fix every minute of the day. The media we take in – the news clips, TV shows, books we read – are all part of it. You know what else is? The conversations we’re having with our friends, colleagues, and loved ones.
The human species is programmed to be on high alert for threats. That’s how our species has survived – by using our senses and impulses to save us from real-life threats. The intake of a signal, physical or mental, that the brain perceives as life-threatening shuts down our thinking (and our digestive processes, immune system, and other critical functions of the body to keep us healthy), and moves blood to the extremities so we can run. Basically, less critical functions are put aside so the life-saving ones can step up.
Now, however, it’s not the potential for a wild animal attack or an early frost that leaves us feeling like we’re fighting for survival. It’s every headline and ping of our phone or a billboard we walk by.
All of this contributes to how our brains get wired. As brain training lingo goes, what fires together wires together. Information we take in and think about, often in a repetitive nature, begins to hardwire in our brains. Because we naturally avoid anything that challenges the wiring in our brain, and instead the natural inclination is to continue cementing it in and seek out more of it. We are hardwiring our brains for negativity and fear, to function in a state of stress and reactivity.
It becomes cyclical. We get twitchy if we don’t get our dose. That feeling is addictive, and we seek out more and more of it to get our fix. What begins to happen is that even when we are in what should be a joyful state, or there is some good news, we bypass it all and let our brains take us to the bit that’s not right. We zero in on where and how we should be scared and worried. We have wired our brains to move to the doom and gloom.
This is why, now more than ever, taking active, intentional action to wire our brains for happiness is so critical. Rising above the chaos is in no way a simple or easy process. Your brain will create every excuse not to do it. You’ve hard wired a pattern that you are now trying to break and the resistance is strong.
Near the end of 2020, I hit my own breaking point. My brain felt absolutely fried. By what felt like divine intervention, I flipped open a book and landed on a page discussing neural retraining of the brain. I took a course and began to practice exercises that support the limbic system of my brain – the bits that deal with the stress response.
I began to actively rewire my brain for happiness. This has felt like a life changer, akin to the experience I had when I first began meditating back in 2006. It has invited me to seek out different information, consume different types of media, and create firm boundaries on who I will engage with and the topics I am willing to have conversations about. It has also changed what I share with my subscribers.
Why the excitement about this? Because this is a critical missing component for an optimal, healthy, and happy lifestyle. Our efforts are wasted if we’re deteriorating our health by allowing our nervous systems, limbic system, brain, heart, and body to be hijacked by bad news, violent media, aggressive music, and agitation-forming conversations and relationships.
The scary bit is that we don’t see and likely don’t feel this hardwiring as it’s happening. We simply don’t know about it. I didn’t know about it, at least. It’s not like falling off the wagon with other health goals, where there are usually physical signs that something’s not right. Hardwiring fear creeps up until you find yourself in a state of exhaustion, anxiety, depression, and general overwhelm. We know practicing loving-kindness, compassion, and gratitude are important, but we end up without the strength of mind to pull ourselves out of the fear cycle to see, accept and embrace all the goodness that surrounds us.
Let me tell you, there is a lot. There is so much goodness. So much connection. So much love and compassion and care; of course, you’d never know about it from the evening news. When we make these first steps to retrain the brain for happiness, slowly we can see the glimmer come back. We can come back to the joy inside and seek it out. We release the addiction we have to checking feeds, looking for the next thing to trigger us, and further hardwire the stress response in the brain. We begin to rewire the brain for happiness.
The goal is simple: look for the good. Retrain the brain to seek out the goodness, the generosity, love, and care. Focus on that. And slowly but surely, we can retrain the brain – and build up those synapses in the brain. Again, the thoughts we think matter. They build these connections in the brain. We need to fire new thoughts and ideas and build up new wiring. When we do that, the old patterns slowly break down and dismantle.
It’s time to rewire for happiness. The change is profound and life becomes a dramatically more kind, and beautiful one to be living. More so, even with all the realities of life, it becomes easier to live.
5 Ways To Start Rewiring Your Brain For Happiness
Mindful Of Your Media
Stop with the bad news. Seriously. Delete your news app, mute or unfollow the fear spreaders, or anyone who is in your network that triggers that feeling in the pit of your stomach. From now on, your evening entertainment is limited to nature shows, romantic comedies from the 90s, blooper reels, compilations of pets doing funny stuff, babies laughing, choreographed dancing flash mobs, or anything that is so lulling to your nervous system that basically makes it impossible for you to stay awake. Let that sympathetic nervous system rest and infuse your brain with joy.
Make That Gratitude Practice Real
Yeah, yeah, yeah, you know #grateful this and #grateful that but you have to find a way to make it real and make it easy to be consistent with. The simplest is to grab any old notebook and leave it beside your bed. In the morning, write down three things you’re grateful for, and at the end of the day, write down 3 wonderful, heartwarming things that happened that day. You can be grateful for a hot shower, seeing your best friend, or your pinky finger. A heartwarming moment could be seeing a little boy holding his mom’s hand. Keep it simple. This is training your brain to pay attention to the goodness that is abundant all around us. The more we tune into it, and take a mental note in the day of the heartwarming moments, the more we will seek them out. We begin tuning our brains to a new frequency.
Add More Heart To Your Day
This is an easy one. I’ve been doing a training with the Heartmath Institute and they teach a technique that is really simple to take on and practice multiple times a day. Basically, all you do is take a few deep and slow breaths, imagining that breath coming in and out from your heart. At the same time, tune into heart-led emotions like care, compassion, love, or gratitude. Feel that emotion in your mind and in your body. Do this 3 to 4 times a day for a couple of minutes. You’ll start to notice that in times when you feel stressed or rushed, you will want to take a pause and take a couple of heart-based breaths. I created a free Heart Coherence Practice that you can join in right here if you’re feeling inspired.
Change The Topic
It is difficult not to fall into step talking about the worst world events broadcasted in the moment, but starting to pay attention to conversations as they head in that direction is a great first step. The reality is that most people don’t really even want to talk about it, but like most people, it is probably all they are seeing and reading about, and it’s something to share. I like to have a few other topics ready, so if a conversation turns, I will say, “How about we take this in another direction,” and then I’ll ask a question like, What are you reading right now? Have you discovered any new music lately? Have you picked up a new skill in the last few months? Can you imagine where humanity will be in 400 years at this current rate of consciousness elevation? (Okay, this last one is reserved for certain audiences only!)
Change The Company
Joking, but not joking. Recent events of life have highlighted what many of us want more of in our life, and what many of us want less of. I want fewer obligatory friendships. I want to surround myself with people who are striving to elevate themselves, to keep learning, keep thinking critically and who are also looking for the bright lights in the world. As I have said before, I can’t do my work and best serve in business or in my personal life when I am being dragged down. So when attempts to change conversations to more positive and productive topics fail repeatedly, and that leaves not much else, it may be time to move on and focus time on those who are operating on the same level as you.
It starts with Awareness
Rewiring the brain for happiness is a process. It requires vigilance, and you’ll experience this as you begin to practice. When we’re tired or feeling stressed, it becomes much more difficult to work against the tide of fear. I mean, the human mind and our natural way of seeking out the dangers in our world are how we have survived for this long.
However, there may come a point when we’re programming our brain to believe we’re in a constant state of life or death when it’s just not true. As my friend Veronica Ciandre once said, “We are only one thought away from who we truly are.”
We get to choose that thought. We get to choose who we are. We also get to choose whether we want that glass to remain half empty or on the verge of empty, or half full and only getting fuller and fuller with love, care, compassion, kindness, joy, and happiness.
On My Mind Episode 10: How to Retrain the Brain for Happiness
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Forty percent of sleep apnea patients enrolled in Minnesota’s medical cannabis access program experienced significant and sustained improvements in their sleep following the use of medical cannabis products, according to data provided by researchers at the Minnesota Office of Cannabis Management.
State investigators analyzed data from 3,102 first-time patients with obstructive sleep apnea (OSA). They reported that 40 percent of patients “experienced significant improvement in their sleep within four months of beginning treatment and were able to maintain the sleep improvement for an additional four months.” Over half of those who experienced moderate to severe fatigue upon enrollment also reported significant improvements in their symptoms.
“These numbers show meaningful changes in disturbed sleep and fatigue for patients after starting medical cannabis,” said OCM Senior Researchers Grace Christensen. “Obstructive sleep apnea can affect a patient’s mental health and physical health, so helping patients treat their symptoms can have a holistic outcome on their well being.”
Over a third of OSA patients who reported experiencing symptoms of depression or anxiety upon enrollment also acknowledged mental health improvements following cannabis treatment.
The study is the largest ever conducted assessing cannabis use in patients with obstructive sleep apnea.
Clinical trials have previously concluded that the use of oral THC (dronabinol) mitigates symptoms in sleep apnea patients. Several studies have also linked the use of cannabis to improvements in patients with insomnia. Data published in 2022 in the Journal of Cannabis Researchfound that over half of adults who consume cannabis for purposes of self-medication do so to address sleep disturbances.
“Consumers have long utilized cannabis as a sleep aid and these new data substantiate their experiences,” NORML’s Deputy Director Paul Armentano said. “Those involved with Minnesota’s medical access program are to be commended for not only providing regulated cannabis products to those who need them, but also for collecting and making available this important data so that it can be shared with other regulators, policymakers, patients, and their physicians.”
Over 26 percent of adults between the ages of 30 and 70 years are estimated to suffer from sleep apnea. However, most patients are unaware that they have it. Sleep apnea is a chronic disease that increases one’s risk of high blood pressure, heart disease, Type 2 diabetes, stroke and depression.
Minnesota regulators added obstructive sleep apnea to its medical cannabis program as a qualifying condition in 2018.
Prior analyses of patients enrolled in Minnesota’s medical cannabis registry have reported that those suffering from chronic pain and post-traumatic stress experience clinically meaningful reductions following cannabis therapy.
The full text of the study, “Obstructive Sleep Apnea Patients in the Minnesota Medical Cannabis Program,” is available from the Minnesota Office of Cannabis Management. Additional information on cannabis and sleep apnea is available from NORML’s publication Clinical Applications For Cannabis & Cannabinoids.
New Adult and Adolescent Programs Launching in May and June to Improve Access to Structured Mental Health Support
ARLINGTON HEIGHTS, Ill., May 6, 2025 (Newswire.com)
– Clarity Clinic, a leading provider of mental health services in Illinois, is expanding its Partial Hospitalization (PHP) and Intensive Outpatient (IOP) programs to its Arlington Heights location to better serve individuals struggling with depression, anxiety, and other mood-related disorders in the northwest suburbs. With the addition of these programs, Clarity Clinic is making structured, evidence-based mental health treatment more accessible to both adults and adolescents.
Starting May 5, Clarity Clinic Arlington Heights will open its Adult PHP & IOP program for individuals ages 18 and older, offering evening sessions to accommodate work and school schedules. On June 2, the clinic will launch its Adolescent PHP program, serving teens ages 13 to 17 with a specialized level of care tailored to their unique needs.
“The launch of our PHP and IOP programs in Arlington Heights is part of our commitment to meet people where they are – physically and emotionally,” said Dr. Stacy Lott, COO of Clarity Clinic. “We’re proud to bring high-quality mental health services closer to home for individuals and families in the northwest suburbs.”
Comprehensive, Structured Care for Teens and Adults
Clarity Clinic’s PHP and IOP programs are ideal for patients who need more intensive support than weekly therapy but do not require inpatient hospitalization.
These programs use a multidisciplinary, evidence-based approach, including:
Group therapy focused on emotional regulation, coping skills, and symptom management
Individual therapy personalized to each patient’s needs
Family therapy to support communication and long-term recovery
Flexible scheduling that allows patients to continue attending school or working
With small group sizes – PHP capped at 8-10 participants and IOP at 12 – patients receive individualized attention from a highly skilled clinical team.
Arlington Heights Program Details:
The adolescent program runs during school hours and may require families to coordinate academic accommodations. A strong focus on family therapy helps parents and guardians support their teen’s mental health journey through improved communication and ongoing involvement.
Why Clarity Clinic for PHP/IOP?
Smaller group sizes for more personalized care
Full continuum of care including psychiatry, therapy, and TMS (ages 18+) – all in one place
In-person and virtual options for greater flexibility
New groups and schedules added regularly to meet evolving needs
Accessible, In-Network Care for Illinois Residents
Clarity Clinic’s PHP and IOP programs are in-network with major insurance plans, including:
Select HMO plans from BCBS and Cigna are also accepted with referral and prior authorization. Self-pay options are available.
Virtual IOP options remain available for patients across Illinois who prefer remote care.
These are the qualities of an untrustworthy person – qualities I lived and breathed while (trying) to manage my undiagnosed ADHD.
ADHD – especially untreated – is a condition of inconsistency. We’re inexplicably “on” one day and “off” the next. It causes us to struggle to understand our behaviors and work out why we did (or didn’t) do something.
I’d say one thing but do another; make a plan, then forget it. I’d blurt out random things and make the simplest mistakes. I was scared to make future commitments because I couldn’t be sure what I’d be like when the day arrived – brilliant, or so off that it was hard to leave the house.
I was inconsistent in mood, attention, behavior, focus, and even goals. I had no inkling that there was any pattern to it. I wanted to do interesting things but committing to something out of the ordinary – like writing this blog post – risked months of dread, guilt, and procrastination.
A lifetime of inconsistency led to some strange consequences. Making even a small error would trigger an intense emotional reaction. Around other people, I tried to stay quiet, to hold in the ‘weirdness.’ And I’d check my work again, again, and again.
Why Don’t I Trust Myself? The Roots of Inconsistency
Before I knew anything about ADHD, I thought I had a clear picture of the root of my problems: anxiety and low self-confidence. I worked my way through the go-to tools: cognitive behavioral therapy, books about social skills, special breathing techniques, you name it. I even read Self-Esteem for Dummies.
Over the years, it all helped. But while I could stand up straighter, smile at myself in the mirror, and name three of my greatest qualities, I still was caught in spirals of procrastination, zoning out, obsession, and impulsiveness.
My old friend anxiety kept my brain awake enough to let me drive a car, find my keys, and pay my bills. Low self-confidence kept me out of sticky situations but led to a smaller life over time.
Then I heard about inattentive ADHD and what it looks like in women. Many, many hours of research later, I was finally able to make sense of my experiences and actions. As I learned about executive dysfunction and common support strategies, I was able to recognize those I was already using – and where I was tripping myself up.
But I was also assured that my brain would inevitably function fabulously in certain situations. The wealth of insight around the web from people who live with ADHD nudged me toward greater self-awareness. (After I read on the web that an unofficial trait of ADHD is argumentativeness, I asked a friend if that applied to me. He laughed in my face – I think that’s a yes.)
I learned how to plan my day in a way that my brain can “see.” I do things at a pace and plan that works for me. For example, rather than write this blog post in one sitting, I’ve taken to writing it in multiple locations, while wearing ear plugs, for 15 minutes at a time, while checking in on my emotional state. No matter the task, I regularly ask myself, “How does my ADHD play into this?” and “What will make this task easier for Future Me?”
Learning to Trust Myself – Even with ADHD
I’ve experienced some unexpected changes now that I trust myself more. For one thing, I now believe that it’s okay to make mistakes. I can calm down after the inevitable Big Feelings, and I know how to motivate myself to make amends. I even have an “oops quota” – if I go over my limit, I know it’s a sign that I need to tweak my systems. My ADHD-friendly systems take care of me, and I take care of them.
I can also now resist the urge to apologize for being the way I am. True, if you say, “How are you?” I may tell you in exquisite detail, or I may stare at you and not be able to think of a response. So what? I’m learning the words to explain why I do what I do, without framing it as a deficit. I want to get good at standing up for my right to be myself.
Perfection isn’t a prerequisite for self-trust (or to gain the trust of others). It’s consistency in another form: knowing that I do my best, learn from my mistakes, practice honesty, and pull through most of the time. Understanding my version of ADHD has transformed my ability to trust myself.
Learning about ADHD not only solved the mysteries of my inconsistency, but it helped ease my anxiety and increase my confidence. It released me from the fear that I was simply a bad person. It freed me up to create new, better stories about myself. Now, I can be pretty sure that if I say I’ll do something, I’ll probably do it… like writing this blog post!
Why Don’t I Trust Myself? Next Steps
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Tensions are high, but can hemp, CBD, or cannabis gummies help you relax – especially with microdosing?
The American Psychological Association recent poll should 69% of American’s are experiencing anxiety about the election. Compared with the previous two presidential elections, stress related to the 2024 election was slightly higher than in 2020 (69% vs. 68%) but significantly higher than in 2016 (52%). Stress related to the current election appeared to be driven, in part, by the potential consequences from the election results. The barrage of news, memes, friends complain is making it hard on people’s mind and body. Can gummies bring down election anxiety?
Anxiety can cause feelings of fear, dread, or uneasiness, and can make it hard to concentrate or make decisions. People with anxiety may also feel irritable, tense, or restless, and may have a sense of impending danger, panic, or doom. Not only does it leave you feeling miserable, it can interfere with your job and relationships. A short term solution may come from the cannabis plant. Can gummies bring down election anxiety?
Studies have shown the cannabis plant can help with a variety of medical ailments, including anxiety. A Johns Hopkins Medicine-led research team has added to evidence that a chemical found naturally in cannabis (also known as marijuana) can — in the right amounts — lessen the anxiety-inducing effects of tetrahydrocannabinol (THC), the primary psychoactive sister chemical found in cannabis.
The cannabis plant produces marijuana (with THC), CBD, and hemp. Studies show all can help with anxiety at some level, but is dependent on dosage. Microdosing a new trend to provide a very low dosage to take off the edge but to stay focused. Most gummies are either 5 or 10 mg. A microcode would be between 2.5 – 5 mg. So a half or third and you can avoid the “high” while reducing the anxiety and moving into a better state of mind.
Marijuana Gummies
Marijuana gummies are a way for adults to cope with anxiety. But you should start with a low dose as you want to have a calming effect with out the extra bells and whistles. Consider 2.5 mg and see how it goes from there….and recognize it will take 45 minutes to an hour for impact.
CBD Gummies
While some CBD gummies products promise and don’t deliver, Epidiolex is the only FDA-approved prescription CBD medicine, which among many things, means that it has a safety and efficacy profile that has been thoroughly evaluated in clinical trials. CBD doesn’t have the THC high as with marijuana so this would completely avoid any high. It is also a popular aide to sleep issues.
Other ways to reduce anxiety during this time is to focus on what you can control and what positive actions you can take. it is also important to set boundaries with how much information you will consume (including social media) and the conversations you will have. Mostly, try to focus on things which help you relax.
My daughter shouts at me every day, and sometimes I shout right back.
ADHD gives me plenty of skills I can model for my kids, but good frustration tolerance isn’t one of them. I can make up silly songs on demand, but I’m rubbish at remaining unruffled when my 6-year-old’s temper flares.
My younger child is a lovable ball of brightness, kindness, and fun, but many things short her circuit and invoke her iron will, from unsolicited carrots to socks that won’t reach their requisite height.
She might well be neurodivergent herself. (We’re waiting in line for assessment.) But whatever the root of her proneness to grievance, it feels like we’re peas in a pod. My patience is apt to desert me the second she loses hers.
There are things I can give her directly to help her stay grounded and happy: empathy, boundaries, nutritious meals, plenty of nourishing cuddles, choice where possible, my fullest attention, the conscious uncoupling of me and my phone. But kids need a stable, consistent caregiver who they can watch and copy. If I can’t manage my own frustration, how will she ever handle hers?
Modeling Calm When Anger Strikes
I’ve been thinking a lot about how to model calm when it counts, and it strikes me that there are two things I need to nail if things are to be less shouty around here.
Most of what gives me balance is basic. Exercise, fresh air, and eating well. Walking up hills and through parks. Pilates and painting and learning new things. Time with no screens or voices to allow me to drift and dream.
They’re simple remedies, but my mental health slides if I fail to give them priority. Luckily, my partner has his own list too, so we tag-team to tick off as much as we can.
2. Keeping my cool in the moment
Much harder to master is the consistent deployment of effective strategies when my daughter digs her heels in.
When my child gets stuck in an emotional vortex, reason cannot reach her. I know how that feels myself and I’m often inclined to join her. But some recent therapy has helped me to see that I do have a choice in the moment. I can either hop aboard the resentment express and trot out a pointless monologue that spikes my cortisol and guarantees escalation. Or I can pause and make a conscious decision about how I’d like to proceed.
It’s not easy. The stress in my body is physical and real. I feel it in my chest and my neck. My ears ring and my heart races. But there are ways of letting it go. I can notice the tightness and relax the tension. My mind will often follow. I can focus on breathing more slowly and deeply (if I’m actually breathing at all). I can silently soothe myself in the tone of a grown-up who knows this will pass. When I pull it off, I’m not faking or in toxic denial. I just feel a lot more balanced and able to ride out the storm.
I get a chance to deploy my new tactics in the art of non-reaction on a Saturday, when we fancy a walk in the woods. The little one won’t get dressed, of course. Weekends are for lying down, she declares, as she burrows under our duvet, tucking it in around her to secure her fortress against potential incursion.
We could be here a while, I think. Last week we aborted completely. I implore her to put on some clothes. She kicks off the covers and thrashes around, emitting a grating whine. My chest tightens, my heart rate quickens, and I want to launch into my lecture.
But I stop. I breathe. I remember that calm breeds calm and that staying centred will help us both. She performs a series of loud exhalations, but I say to her softly that we’re leaving. Voices do not get raised. I exit the room and in minutes she’s clothed and skipping out to the van.
She briefly objects to my offensive plan to take a jacket just in case. But I let it wash over me and it burns out fast. Off we go in peace.
The same trick works on Tuesday when I commit a transgression with celery and she CANNOT EAT THIS LASAGNA (she does) and again on Friday when it puts to bed a debate over whether jellybeans constitute breakfast (they don’t).
Modeling Calm, One Little Test at a Time
There are blips involving poached eggs and car seats. I’m tired and hormonal and late – and I yell. But part of my internal deal is that I’m kind to myself when I fail. Improvement is still improvement if it’s only some of the time.
I’m buoyed by how things are going. My girl is more flexible and she’s proud of herself when she lets things go. I’m feeling quite proud of me, too.
So maybe I can crack this. Maybe soon I’ll add “measured response to frustration” to the list of things I can pass to my children. It’s not as fun as singing ditties about teachers or toilets, but it’s arguably a more essential skill that will serve them well in life.
How to Be a Calm Parent: Next Steps
SUPPORT ADDITUDE Thank you for reading ADDitude. To support our mission of providing ADHD education and support, please consider subscribing. Your readership and support help make our content and outreach possible. Thank you.
