Category: Family & Parenting

I’m waiting for the pocket square holder to be delivered. Two days ago, I had no idea what a pocket square holder was, and now Amazon is telling me that the package containing it will be delayed.

Junior prom is this Friday and there’s no time for delays so I ordered another one, with the promise it will be delivered tomorrow. Just in time for the big event. Having a son, a 16-year-old teenage son at that, is something to be reckoned with. Still a boy growing into a man. Still needs me but pushes me away. Still loves me but doesn’t often show it. 

He did let me help him with his tuxedo. Probably because he wanted me to pay for it, which I did, because it would be my pleasure to rent a tuxedo for my son. He got measured, he selected his style, choosing a slightly elevated shawl collar, a vest, a bowtie, patent leather shoes, and tuxedo pants at just the right length, a bit on the short side if you asked me. But he was happy.

My son put me on FaceTime to see his dates’s dress

He actually put me on FaceTime with his date to see her dress – more specifically the color of her dress – so we could try to match the bowtie color to it – was it coral, burnt orange, a pink? Hard to tell the true color of the shimmery wavy fabric that adorned the younger excited girl smiling on the screen. 

Finally she got it hemmed and gave him a section of fabric so we could try to match a part of his outfit to the mystery color. We settled on a black bowtie and pondered the idea of matching his boutonniere with a Calla Lilly in a close-enough-to-the-color coral.

Then the idea of a pocket square popped into my head. His grandmother, a seamstress extraordinaire, could create a pocket square with the leftover fabric and that hint of color would tie the couple’s outfits together, with white flowers for each.

Grandma recommended a pocket square holder

But the glimmery orangey fabric wasn’t stiff like a traditional pocket square so Grandma recommended a pocket square holder, a flat piece of divided plastic, to keep the bit of color securely in place in my son’s tux jacket pocket. 

Hopefully it will be delivered in time, and hopefully Grandma will complete the square in time, too. (We rented a boring plain white one just in case.) Then the orange pink coral flame will pop on his outfit, matching with her tight-on-the-top flowy-on-the-bottom dress, and their color-coordinated union will be cemented in photographic history.

Post script: The second pocket square holder arrived two days before prom. We picked up from Grandma the completed, matching pocket square, and then I practiced my folding skills ad nauseam to try and fold the square so that it fit perfectly into the pocket square holder. Not too much color showing and with an even edge along the top of the pocket.

I became the pocket square holder distributer

My son and his friends met in advance of picking up dates at one of their houses to get ready – yes, turns out boys do this, too. A few of the boys were solo because their parents couldn’t make it.

Parents were invited to take photos. As the boys were putting on their finishing touches like bowties and cufflinks, I noticed that a few of them also had homemade pocket squares, but that none had a pocket square holder.

My son identified me to his friends as the resident pocket square folder and I had the honor of helping several of the boys with their squares, homemade or traditional. I loved being involved and I loved that the pocket square was connecting me to my son and his friends.

The delayed pocket square arrived the day after the prom. It’s too much trouble to return it, so at next year’s senior prom, we’ll gift it to a friend, passing on our new knowledge about the importance of a pocket square holder.

More Great Reading:

This Is for All the Teens Who Don’t Go to Prom

One year when my kids were little, my son asked me to drive him to the store a day before Mother’s Day. He brought his velcro SpongeBob wallet and wanted to get me a gift. I was touched. 

We both loved Reese’s peanut butter cups, and I watched as he carefully counted out his money for the large orange bag of bite-sized chocolates while the cashier waited. I thought it would be the sweetest Mother’s Day gift and wondered how he’d wrap it. 

The next morning, I walked into the kitchen to find a tiny pyramid of six little Reese’s cups on the counter—three on the bottom, then two, then one. That was my gift—six pieces—the rest of the bag was for him. I appreciated the artistry but one thing was clear. If it was a contest between me and a bag of candy, I trailed a distant second.

My mom and I had special rituals

When my mom was alive, Mother’s Day was different. We’d treat ourselves to brunch at a nearby café, or she’d bake my favorite chocolate sheet cake. Sometimes she’d slip me money to get a massage and I’d hand-write her a card and tuck it into a soft new nightie. The sweet day spent together made both of us appreciate each other’s existence. 

As a mother of two boys, I had no blueprint. While my mother and I told each other everything, my sons shared no secrets and asked few questions. I’m still not sure they know when my birthday is. 

It was hard sometimes not to compare the difference between generations, but it made me treasure the close bond I had with my own mother even more. Boys and girls communicate differently. I didn’t expect embellishments from my kids on Mother’s Day, or a day in the spotlight. But once my kids were out of the house, that second Sunday of May had the potential to sting if I didn’t hear from them. 

Texting your son is like writing a guy who’s not interested in you

I loved (and kept) all the cards my kids made me in elementary school with their crooked handwriting and crayon drawings. When they were older, we’d all go out for a nice meal on Mother’s Day, or my husband would take them to buy flowers for me. That changed once they left for college. Absence did not make the heart grow fonder. It was more, out of sight out of mind. 

I’m not sure who first said on TikTok, “Texting your son is like writing to a guy who’s not interested in you,” but from the way it blew up I realized that many moms could relate. For every six texts I sent to either son at college, maybe I got a one-word response back two days later. If they wrote a sentence or more, I’d run in to share it with my husband, then re-read it, analyze it and search for clues into their lives and mood. 

Never one to sit around and wait for someone to call, I decided several years ago to take Mother’s Day into my own hands. I wouldn’t drop hints or prompts, or sit idly by checking my phone all day. I’d call my kids and let them know what day it was, and then we’d hopefully chat for a few minutes.

It started out as a preemptive strike in the great likelihood that they’d forget and erased the chance that I’d feel forgotten at the end of the day. 

Social media is a place of smoke and mirrors

It always blew my mind to see what other moms “woke up to” on Mother’s Day. A spread of artfully wrapped gifts, balloons, roses, Hallmark cards. On what planet do the kids stay up late wrapping, shop in advance, have access to curly ribbon and arrange everything in such a curated way? (Seems like a lovely place I’d like to visit.)

Social media is a place of smoke and mirrors, especially on holidays, so I tried it one year. We drove to the beach for the day, because I wanted a picture with my kids in front of the ocean at sunset. When photo time came, someone spilled ice cream all over me and it just got worse from there. However, we are all laughing in the picture, mainly because I was sticky and freezing. My kids thought it was hilarious. 

Nothing had gone according to plan. We had a great time but, in the photo, the ocean was of course nowhere in sight.

Mother’s Day is just another Sunday, and that’s fine by me

Now I prefer to stay home on Mother’s Day and spend the day exactly as I want. No more homework reminders or long waits at a restaurant. No more late nights at the kitchen sink or early alarms the next day to be sure everyone is up for school. No pleading to stop yelling through gaming devices so I can enjoy my book. All is quiet.  

I text or call my kids early in the day to give them plenty of time to respond. It works well and I do it every year if we’re not together. No one feels guilty or sad. It takes the onus off them to remember and gives the power of the day back to me. 

After all, it’s just another Sunday in May. I can buy my own flowers. And I don’t need a parade… but I might like a tiny pyramid of Reese’s.  

More Great Reading:

“We are not the sun around which they spin. Not anymore” Mia Freedman Explains Being the Parent of a Young Man, Perfectly.

A perfect afternoon to me at 56 is sitting in my backyard with a good book, listening to the windchimes and watching the birds. I’m not expecting anyone to drive up from school or ask what’s for dinner. And dinner can be a bag of popcorn or three frozen eggrolls I pop into the microwave at 9 o’clock at night. It’s sublime. 

Of course, it wasn’t always like this. I loved being a mom (still do) and seeing my kids’ faces every day. I ran a tight ship between my part-time job at the library and volunteering with my sons’ high school marching band. It was meaningful, fulfilling and more than a little exhausting. 

Now, not only do my evenings not revolve around the kitchen sink, but the only sad sigh I hear when the fridge door opens is from my husband, who does his own grocery shopping. Once we became empty nesters, I began to focus on the new freedoms that come with this stage in life.

6 things I love about empty nesting

1. I’m more selective with my time

When you’re a parent, there’s a slew of non-negotiable social obligations—school events, fundraisers, PTO meetings. Even my son’s college orientation required me to attend multiple seminars and an awkward group dinner. 

Last year another couple we saw frequently when our kids were growing up asked us to dinner. The conversation quickly turned to their over-achieving kids, with no questions asked about our own (we couldn’t get a word in, anyway). My husband and I couldn’t get out of there fast enough. 

Now we have no problem turning down a dinner invite (politely) or saying no to an event that doesn’t interest us. We’re both homebodies who love to stay in. Now we can.

2. My wardrobe changed drastically 

I’ve attended my share of band recitals, scout ceremonies and school open houses wearing uncomfortable shoes and nice pants. Nothing gave me quite as much joy as editing and revamping my closet once those days were over. 

Each week I purged a section—pants, dresses, tops, shoes—and took my time trying on each item. I got rid of more than I kept, including any open-toed sandals (never liked them), pants that weren’t stretchy (love that Spandex) and most of my black tops. Tastes change and I prefer navy blue now.

I wear a seasonal uniform, as my neighbors can attest who see me walking my dogs each day. I’m also over shapewear. And if Skechers doesn’t make a shoe for it, I’m not interested. 

3. My hair and makeup routine evolved

Since my 20s, I’ve always been a full-makeup girl. That changed when I began spending more time at home, and my big outings for the day were Target or the grocery store. 

Years ago, my family toured the USS Lexington, an old naval warship in Corpus Christi. I was fascinated when the tour guide told us that soldiers were given only 90 seconds to shower each day. I challenged myself to do this once I got back home, and it’s easy enough on days when there’s no shampoo or shaving required. 

I also whittled my makeup routine to five minutes max, with a more natural look (so long, eyeshadow and liner). Blush and lip gloss were always my favorites anyway. And recently I traded my straightener for an electric hairbrush, which does the same job, only much faster. 

4. I tuned into my circadian rhythm 

Once I no longer had to rise before dawn to make sure my kids were up, and then stopped staying up til 1 a.m. just because I could, I found that I loved getting into bed after dinner and a shower, and winding down early with some Hulu or a book. This would’ve been impossible when my kids were home. Like most teens, they were night owls and I was the sleep police. I had to make sure their devices were off before I could ever think about turning in. 

It took some experimenting to find my sweet sleep spot, especially after menopause, but I felt my best the next day when lights were out by 11:30. Sometimes my husband and I reminisce about the days before kids when we could sleep until noon, but neither of us can sleep that late anymore even if we tried. 

5. My life doesn’t need to look remotely like anyone else’s

As an introvert, I’ve never enjoyed group activities—bunco, mahjong, book clubs, wine tastings. I’d see Facebook posts of other moms enjoying these gatherings with their large group of friends and feel like an oddball. Now, with time and age, I fully embrace what feels best to me: one-on-one lunches or just staying home. 

My friend circle is a la carte as opposed to a pod—and I’m perfectly fine to do things alone. I stay away from people who deplete me, and don’t want to feel obligated to meet up with anyone or talk daily. 

After my mother passed, I discovered that I loved taking long-distance road trips by myself. It gave me time to think and heal. Plus, I enjoy my own company. 

6. I adore eating alone 

When my kids became teens, they started taking their meals upstairs so they could eat while “studying” (code for playing games). So the transition into just my husband and me at the kitchen table wasn’t a big adjustment. 

Gradually, we began to do our own thing, too. I adore eating meals alone while watching a Bravo show or reading the latest Lisa Jewell thriller. And my husband likes to relax in the living room watching sports or anime. When my kids are home, nothing clears a room faster than me putting on “The Kardashians” or “The View.” It’s my time to take a break and indulge in guilty pleasures with no interruptions.  

To me, being an empty nester is one of the sweetest stages of parenting. I still catch glimpses of the little boys my sons used to be, and proud moments of the men they’re becoming. We made it through a lot of challenges and now get to take a beat.

It’s their time to fly. Ours, too.

More Great Reading:

21 Things You’ll Love About Your Empty Nest

Come May, our high-school seniors who’ve applied to college will likely have many feelings. If they got into their dream schools, they might be thrilled — or they might have a sudden, weird case of buyer’s remorse during which they second-guess everything they’ve ever thought.

They might feel disappointed or anxious if they aren’t excited about their options. Maybe they’re worried about how they’re going to pay for college; perhaps they’re concerned about the fact that having worked so hard to get into college, they now actually have to go; maybe they’re relieved or exhausted or, like my son, they’re busy tossing their SAT study guide into a backyard bonfire and laughing like a maniac.

However they feel, there’s one thing you should encourage them to do: Thank everyone who helped them get where they’re going. And by everyone, I mean: every person who wrote them a letter of recommendation, including teachers, coaches, bosses, and community members; the guidance counselors or college counselors who shepherded them through the process; family and friends who’ve supported them with advice, help writing essays, or any other assistance navigating the epic application and decision-making process. Also, of course, anybody who is chipping in to finance this upcoming venture. 

We want our kids to thank these helpers, not just because it’s polite or good manners to do so (although it is) but also because it will make everyone feel good, especially the kids themselves.

Six ways thanking people makes everyone feel good

1. Thanking people is a great life habit 

On the one hand, it means you’ll be remembered fondly by the people who’ve helped you. On the other hand, it allows you to dwell in gratitude for the community that’s got your back. We want our kids to thank people freely and generously as they move through their lives, and this is a great place to start.

2. Gratitude makes you healthier and happier 

Hofstra psychologist Jeffrey Froh calls gratitude a “life orientation” that focuses on what you have and how lucky you are. In study after study, grateful kids are more satisfied with their lives, do better in school, are less materialistic, enjoy stronger relationships, and have fewer illnesses since gratitude seems to lower blood pressure and improve immune function. 

3. Expressing gratitude reinforces vital interpersonal skills 

Expressing gratitude reinforces compassion, empathy, and essential communication skills. Thinking about what someone has done for you forces you to think about what it’s like to be them — which is an excellent way to move through the world.

4. Gratitude amplifies joy and mitigates disappointment 

Your happy kid will feel even happier when they take the time to dwell gratefully on their college process; your unhappy kid will likely feel better and more worthy given the opportunity to focus on all the abundance of helpers in their life.

5. Appreciation makes people want to help you again 

This is a valuable point to communicate to our kids. As they move through their lives, we want them to create as vibrant and robust a community of helpers as possible — which means not simply forgetting about folks once they’ve done what you need them to do. 

6. Teachers and school administrators work hard 

It’s important to remind them what they do it for — and that it matters so much.

An email is way better than no thank-you, but this is an occasion where I would encourage your child to put some notes in the mail. Need a step-by-step? It might look like this:

• Brainstorm a list of people. Who has helped your child get to this point in the process?
• Discuss what to include in each note. Your child should be sure to describe the outcome (where they’re going) and thank the person for the support they’ve offered.
• Gather resources, such as addresses, stamps, pens, and stationery (Minted has a lovely collection of thank-you notes for grads.)
• Make an evening of it. Rather than sending your child off to tackle this project independently, let them sit in the kitchen or living room, where you can offer snacks, encouragement, and any help or guidance they might need. Because, yeah, they’re still kids—and our days of coaching them are numbered.

In the made-for-TV movie version of this GratitudeFest, your child would turn to you, tears sparkling in their eyes, and say, “There’s nobody I’m more grateful for than you!” But in the real world? Our support is their birthright. It’s the very air they breathe.

We are so lucky to have these kids here to leak out our lives like water through cupped hands. To break us with their leaving. And to flounder and soar in a way that makes us whole — even when we miss them beyond what our overflowing hearts can take. And for all of that, yes, we are so grateful.

More Great Reading:

The “Lovestorm” Way to Write a Unique and Powerful Common App Essay

Catherine Newman is the author of several novels and skill-building books How to Be a Person and What Can I Say? 

Being away from home at college is an excellent opportunity for students to learn about themselves and gain independence while emerging into adulthood. While it may seem like college students LOVE everything about college, there are several things at home that college students miss while they are at school. 

10 things teens miss when they’re at college

1. Home-cooked meals 

We miss our parent’s cooking while we are away at school. One of my favorite parts of coming home is having a warm home-cooked meal with my family. It’s great being able to have family dinners and eat together. At college, it can be challenging to coordinate with friends when to eat at the dining hall, and the food at the dining hall is never as good as a home-cooked meal. Also, being able to go into the cupboard, find tons of ingredients, and cook whatever I feel is another convenient and enjoyable benefit of being at home. 

2. Our pets 

Seeing our pets excited to see us anytime we walk in the door makes our day! My dogs are always thrilled when I come home — they sprint towards me with their tails wagging back and forth and jumping up and down like they haven’t seen me in years, even if it’s only been a short period. Being away from our pets is one of the hardest parts of living at college because my dogs always cheer me up if I’m sad and put me in a good mood. 

3. Our favorite place to eat

Almost every college student has that one place in their hometown that they miss going to — whether it’s a coffee shop, restaurant, or ice cream shop. For me, it is my favorite sushi restaurant. In high school, I would go to this restaurant weekly. Even walking downtown in my hometown while home for the holidays made me appreciate my city and its diverse food options. 

4. Having a car 

Having a car means the freedom to go wherever we want, whenever we want. Many college students don’t have a car until either junior or senior year (if at all.) Not having a car means walking, biking, or Ubering everywhere, which is less convenient. But it’s also good because more time is spent on campus with other students. 

5. Our bed

If you noticed your college student sleeping in a little extra or spending their days relaxing in their bed over break, our beds at our university are nowhere near as comfy. I spend an extra 30 minutes in my bed in the mornings when I visit home because it’s so much snugger than my bed in the dorms or my apartment. 

6. The shower 

I take extra long showers whenever I am home from college because the water pressure is much better at home than at college. Plus, we don’t have to wear shower shoes or carry a shower caddy to and from the bathroom at home. It is more relaxing to shower at home than in a shared bathroom.

7. Friends from our hometown 

This is especially hard during the first year of college because it is the first time our hometown friends don’t live within a 15-minute drive of us. We live thousands of miles apart and only see each other over breaks. And FaceTime is just not the same as hanging out with someone in person. 

8. Privacy 

I shared a room at college, as did many other students. One of the best things about being home is having my room because I can watch videos or listen to music out loud and sleep in as late as I want without worrying about being an annoyance to my roommate. I enjoy coming home and spending time in my childhood bedroom. It is very nostalgic, but I love it. 

9. Our siblings 

Although we may act like we don’t, we miss our siblings very much at college! It is weird going from seeing them every day to rarely seeing them. I miss eating together, shopping, going to the movies, and always having someone to hang out with who wants to go places with me. Most friendships will never fully replicate the siblings’ relationship and the bond of growing up together, so living away from home is tough. 

10. Our parents

Our parents are our primary support system, and being away from them is hard. Believe it or not, we miss our parents while away at school! Some of the main things I miss are walking into the living room, having a conversation, watching TV, or going for a walk together. 

More Great Reading:

Letter to My Freshman Self: Nine Regrets I Have From College

As parents, we all experience moments when our kids just won’t go with the program – brushing their teeth, dressing for school, cleaning up their toys, going to bed (and staying there). We ask nicely, and they ignore us. Then we ask not so nicely, and they dig their heals in. Before long we’re frustration turns to exasperation, and we either get angry or throw up our hands in surrender. At a certain age, our kids are developmentally programmed to resist us no matter how much kindness and respect we show them. So, what’s a parent to do? Sometimes we wish we could just wave a magic wand. Well, the wands are on back-order, but Janet shares some magical recommendations that will make these interaction so much easier to navigate, win or lose.

Transcript of “The Magic That Makes Kids Want to Cooperate”

Hi, this is Janet Lansbury. Welcome to Unruffled.

Interestingly, lately my inbox seems to be flooded with questions about toothbrushing. So much so that I was even thinking about doing a podcast all about toothbrushing, helping kids to brush their teeth. But I kept thinking about it and it’s just not an interesting enough topic to me. I mean, it’s not interesting at all to me, to be honest. It’s this mundane part of my day, and I imagine also for kids, too. And probably—I mean, I could be wrong—but even dentists probably don’t find it a super-intriguing topic.

But then I received a question and a comment on Facebook on my post, This May Be Why You’re Yelling. The comment was not about toothbrushing, but it reminded me how all of these cooperative activities, these tasks that we need our kids to do, we want our kids to do, how they’re all related, and that there is a magical approach for helping our kids to do them.

This magic isn’t, unfortunately, a magic wand that we can just wave. And unfortunately it also isn’t saying some magic words or playing magical games, like what is sometimes offered on Instagram and TikTok for “getting” kids to do these things. This magic also isn’t about giving a child a certain period of attention, playing with a child, filling their cup. Even that, unfortunately, isn’t a formula for a child to be reliably willing to brush their teeth, help around the house, try new foods, clean up their toys. Yes, those do help to build intimacy and connection.

But the magic that works is when our relationship or connection is through and through. It’s through the happy times, it’s through the special times, it’s through the tough and disappointing times, it’s through when we’re setting limits, it’s through when our child is upset, when they’re having a tantrum. It’s staying on our child’s side, as I often say, partnering with them and, ideally, not being at odds with them with anything throughout the day. I know, this sounds probably superhuman, but I’m going to get to how we can do this.

When we do find ourselves at odds, we take responsibility for that. Because at least until kids are adult-age, it’s on us to be the more mature ones, to essentially be in charge of setting the tone for our two-person relationship. And when changes in our dynamic with our child need to be made, it almost always needs to come from us. Now, that’s good news and bad news, depending on how we look at it. It’s good news because it means we have the power to make changes at any time. We can do that, and our children will adapt readily. It’s bad news because we can’t count on our child to treat us a certain way, to be kinder to us when we’re asking for or demanding that they do something, just because they should respect us and do what’s right. If we aren’t setting the tone by modeling respect and honesty and kindness and forgiveness and helpfulness and taking responsibility for our behavior, we can’t expect our child to be the one to do those things.

The magic here, unfortunately, isn’t a magic bullet for gaining cooperation, but there is something that’s much clearer and simpler to understand and more effective and comprehensive than these bite-sized scripts and strategies that we hear about. Comprehensive in that it infuses everything, it works in all areas of our day with our child, with all kinds of behaviors. And it feels good, because it’s genuine. It’s not a strategy. And the positive effects it has are lasting and real. It’s relating to our child as—an imperfect, less mature than we are, much less mature—person. What a concept, right? Who we know intimately and we understand, or at least aim to, and we unconditionally adore.

That doesn’t mean we’re perfect. It’s this overall feeling that we have. Not every second of every day will we like the way our child’s behaving, what they’re doing, that we’re not annoyed with them. We are going to be. But we know that there’s something to understand there when we are. That there’s something in our expectation of them in that moment or something that, through their behavior, they’re sharing with us. Awkwardly, as it is with children a lot of the time. So we’re coming to that place eventually where we understand why they’re acting as they are. This is an overall job. It’s a relationship job. I know that probably sounded unclear and confusing. I’m sorry about that.

Now I’m going to explain via this exchange I had on social media with this parent who was responding to something I posted, a piece that I wrote a few years ago, This May Be Why You’re Yelling. This parent wrote:

I know I’m yelling because when I’ve asked five times, being calm, and nothing happened, I’m running out of patience. Sometimes it seems like when I talk nicely, nobody can hear me. I can’t be the only one, am I?

And I wrote back:

Can you give an example? I have a policy: never repeat yourself.

And then I link to a popular podcast of mine, Repeating Yourself Won’t Help (What to Do Instead).

This parent wrote back:

So I just read this article and I get what it says. [She read the transcript.] So here’s the latest example: Right now where I live, it’s Saturday morning, almost 8:00 AM. If my son’s behavior is induced by stress or tiredness, then he must be permanently worn out. My son, four-and-a-half years old, has a clock by his bed that indicates with a sleeping/playing bunny when he is allowed to get out of his room. He’s had it for more than a year now.

I had set this clock on 9:00 AM yesterday. I told him yesterday while putting him to bed, “Remember, you stay in your room until bunny is awake. You don’t come into our room. You let daddy sleep.” And he agreed. His dad is in an exhausting situation right now and needs all the sleep he can get.

Today at seven, our son came into our bedroom and started asking his dad a question about a new toy he got. I got up real quick, escorted him back to his room (right next to ours, and the wall is very thin, you can hear everything), and showed him his clock, whispering, “What did we agree on yesterday? You stay in your room, you are silent, you don’t wake us up.” I was upset, I admit. Plus he can’t for the life of him not talk. He talks all day long, from wake to sleep. He can’t keep his thoughts in his head.

And I don’t know how to follow your advice here in helping him to do what I ask him to do. There’s no lock on his door and he might need to go to the bathroom anyway, and I hate the thought of locking him in. And I can’t reasonably shut his mouth with duct tape to make him stop talking. Any thoughts?

And she put this distressed face emoji. And some other people commented before I was able to get back to her. Somebody said:

Lock dad in? Maybe after several times where he finds the bedroom door locked, he will just assume it’s not worth getting up to try it again. At first, maybe, with you on the outside but not really accessible to him—in the bathroom, for example—and go out if he becomes frustrated and help him work through it. But please, anybody correct me if you don’t think it’s appropriate.

That was all the comment somebody made back. And the original commenter said:

There aren’t locks anywhere on our doors. And the whole thing is about not waking daddy up, so we need silence. Rattling on the door doesn’t do the trick. I tried several times on other occasions to give my son a timeout in his room with the door closed, to no avail. He opens the door immediately and refuses to keep it shut. If I hold the handle from the outside, he turns total havoc, including screaming and door-kicking. And the whole point of the timeout—allowing us both to calm down by getting ourselves together before discussing the issue—is ruined because I can’t calm down either when I have to hold his door shut and listen to his screaming. So I’m stuck here.

And then a different commenter wrote to her:

What time is he going to bed? Does he normally wake up at 9:00 AM or was this a weekend thing? My son does, but I know our routine is a bit abnormal. If I were you, I would get up and go out with him so that dad can get some extra sleep.

And she wrote back:

He sleeps a good night and doesn’t lack sleep. I don’t ask him to stay in bed, much less to stay asleep. Just to stay quietly in his room. Most weekends he does just that. But this morning was particularly frustrating because I insisted on it yesterday evening and he didn’t follow through.

So then I finally commented that I had some ideas for her and it was very long, though, and I realized that this might be a good topic for a podcast. So I was going to share them here, and that’s what I’m doing now.

What I wanted to say to her is that this is one of those situations where I believe in letting go for the win, the win being next time. Because we can’t control when our child wakes up and asking them to stay in their room and wait for a clock to tell them it’s time to leave is not easy for them. And that is always going to be a voluntary activity on their part, right? It’s not something we can force if we don’t want to lock doors, and most of us don’t. And with voluntary activities, it’s always going to be about the positive connection that they feel with us. Both in general and around that particular activity, around that ask that we have of them. We make it harder for our child, and therefore for ourselves, when we make a big deal out of it not working. We get upset or mad, or we try to force them to do it, etc.

So what this parent might do instead is go into this expecting it to be an imperfect process and maybe problem-solving with her child ahead of time. “Hmm, I know sometimes it’s hard to stay in bed and to wait for that clock. What could help? Would you like me to leave some fruit or a snack bar there for you? Some special books or puzzles here by the bed?” And whether or not there’s an answer that we could both of us together figure out, I wouldn’t expect my child to be able to stick with the plan, because young children are impulsive. And the more emotion we have around something, the more intensity we have around it, the harder it is for them to not be impulsive. Because they’re absorbing that and it’s uncomfortable for them. It’s like the more we want them to do something and they feel that coming from us, the more it ruffles their feathers and the harder it is for them to do. You would think it would be the opposite, right? But he has the best chance possible of cooperating in this manner if we approach it with this kind of connection and empathy.

And then, if it doesn’t work, if he does come in or he makes some noise anyway, let it go for the win. For the win next time, and for the bigger picture of more goodwill and cooperation all around. That’s what I mean about this not being a magic wand or a quick fix, but it is magical when we commit to being on this less mature, more impulsive person’s side and requesting things from that team relationship, that very open, honest, teamwork relationship. So when it doesn’t work, we might say, “Oops.” And then while we’re ushering him out of the room, I might say, “It was hard for you to wait this time. I know, it can be so hard. Daddy will answer your question when he wakes up, of course. What would you like to do in the meantime? Let’s figure something out. You can go back to your room or play quietly here in the family room,” or whatever. Safety, connection. This is how we will get what we want. We didn’t that time, but it’s too late. So let’s give ourselves a better chance of getting it the next time and the next time and the next time, in all the other requests that we have of our child during the day.

Now, how does this look in regard to toothbrushing, or helping us with housework, encouraging kids to try new foods, help them to get dressed, or to be quiet while the baby’s going to sleep, etc. etc. etc.? Here’s some points:

1. Expect that there might be resistance and that it might not work at all. Our expectations matter because they create certain feelings in us. When we’re putting an expectation out there that might not work, naturally, we’re going to get disappointed. And whether or not that’s a reasonable expectation, I don’t know. But it turns out it’s not reasonable for this child, at this time, at this age, in this situation.

I know that for me, we didn’t have those special clocks when my kids were little and I never once thought I had any control over when they got up and came in. I remember there was one point where I had tried to encourage my older child to stay in her room a little longer, and I did put a special snack there for her, because we explored it and one of the things she wanted was something to eat. So that did help for a little while. But mostly what helped was her feeling the safety in our connection and that she wanted to try to be helpful when she could, as much as she could. I wasn’t doing anything that might unwittingly put her into a zone of being at odds with me.

Our expectations are what can give us this light attitude and help us not set ourselves up for anger and disappointment that will end up hurting our chances the next time. Let’s use the example of hoping our child would try a new food. That light attitude, I’m not expecting they’re going to try it. Why would they? They don’t want to eat something strange that they might not like, right? So I just offer it, Oh, here’s something that you haven’t tried before. It’s quite an interesting taste. Let me know what you think. Do you want to try it? Instead of, “Here, can you please try this now?” And we don’t have to say all those words about it being an interesting taste or anything, just that idea of Would you like to try this? Instead of that kind of automatic demand mode that we get into as parents. Not even a demand, but that sort of request mode that we get into with young children where we’re telling them to do this and telling them to do that. And they don’t like it and they feel like there’s that distance between us.

This is true for all of these cooperative activities that we want our kids to do. Our expectation matters. So that’s number one: Expect that there might be resistance and that it might not work at all.

2. Request from a place of authenticity and openness, maybe even vulnerability. Let’s say, the example of helping with housework. Okay, I’m going to be honest here: I did not do this thing that I hear so much being written about now, the importance of kids doing chores from the time that they’re little. I didn’t put a big importance on that. Maybe because I remember as a child that my sisters and I would get all excited about, Oh, now you’re going to do this chore and I’m going to do that chore and we’ll make a little chart and we’ll cross it off! And we wanted to do these things and got very into it for about two days or maybe a week, and then we didn’t want to do it anymore. My mother—who certainly, like all of us, was an imperfect parent—she let it go. She wasn’t one to put herself in the position of nagging at us to do things that she sensed were voluntary. Using her power that way, in a way that’s often not very fruitful for us. And she just wasn’t that kind of person.

And actually, I’m not either. I don’t like, I mean, the least amount of limits I can give… I’m actually very strict with limits around certain things, but I don’t want to be telling other people what to do all day long. That’s not where I want to put my energy. And when it’s something like this, that there has to be a certain intrinsic enjoyment of for young children for them to want to do it consistently, I trust that.

At the same time, all the way through from the time they were little, whenever I needed my kids’ help or really wanted my kids’ help for something, they never said no. Maybe I’m just lucky that way, but I really believe it’s because of the way that I asked. Which wasn’t a demand or a nag. It was, “Oh, I could really use some help here. Would you mind?” Or, “Could you give me a hand?” And because this wasn’t a dynamic where we had distance between each other, they always did. They knew I wasn’t using that “ask” card all day long. And in the rare case that they didn’t, and I honestly don’t remember this happening very often at all, but on the rare case they didn’t, there was a reason. They were unhappy about something that actually they needed to talk to me about. And at some point I would figure that out and I said, “What’s up with you? It seems like you’re not feeling that good, or you’re mad at me. Is there something we can talk about?”

So yes, I would offer opportunities for young children to help in ways that they want to. And doing chores, it’s great for their confidence, right? To know that they can do these things and contribute to the household. But I wouldn’t hold them to that in a way that became another limit that I had to try to set every day or another coaxing I had to try to do. And although I didn’t probably use this on a daily basis, I bet it would work if you did. I bet you could say every day, “Oh, and today I actually need a little help. Could you help me, my love, clean up this stuff?” Or offer a very reasonable, logical consequence that’s just honest. “I don’t want to take out more stuff until we put this away. So can you please help me put this away if you want to take that thing out?”

But I didn’t expect that they were going to have tidy rooms or that the play area was going to be clean. And in fact, I liked them to have projects that were left out so that they could revisit them the next day. But I know that’s me, and not everybody feels that way. All I know is that this works and that my kids, whenever they go to somebody else’s house, they’re always the first ones to help. They are well-mannered kids who are cooperative and helpful. So that’s two: Request from a place of authenticity and openness, maybe even vulnerability.

3. Lean in to empathy and connection. Meaning, I understand all the reasons why you wouldn’t want to do this right now. Not that I have to get into them with you and make a whole list, but I’m coming from that place of getting it. Brushing teeth, it’s tedious, right? It’s this thing we have to do to clean our teeth, but please, let’s find a way we can do this so we can get it done and there’ll be time to do these other things. What can I do to make it easier? And again, I’m not talking about saying these exact words, but it’s that approach. Leaning in with empathy and connection. Connection, meaning, I’m wanting to help as much as possible for this to happen, and we’re making plans together. “How about you do this part and I’ll finish the rest?” Or, “Here, maybe you want to try one bite of this carrot and I’ll eat the rest.” Or again, going back to the comment on Facebook, “What can we do to help daddy get this time that he needs? He’s so worn out. I’d love any ideas that you have.” This is an issue we have going on in our family, and what can we do? Or, “What can we do? I know it’s so hard to not be exuberant right next to where the baby’s sleeping.”

So that’s three: Lean in to empathy and connection.

4. Don’t come at this with intensity or be pushy or try to force or insist on these voluntary activities. (This is the only don’t on the list!) Remember, these are in the category of voluntary activities. We need the lightest touch. When we try to force or even bribe or threaten or punish in these situations that we have no control over our child doing, we and our child both tend to lose. Because we end up disappointed and maybe angry, and they end up with this feeling of distance between us, and maybe shame, maybe guilt. They failed. And for us as adults, maybe that feeling of failing makes us do better the next time. For children, it doesn’t tend to. It depletes their self-confidence. It tends to make them doubt themselves.

And interestingly, I think that might be the main point that got in the way this time with this parent on Facebook. Because she said something interesting, not back to me, but to another commenter. She said back to this commenter, “He sleeps a good night and doesn’t lack sleep. I don’t ask him to stay in bed, much less to stay asleep. Just to stay quietly in his room. Most weekends he does just that. But this morning was particularly frustrating because I insisted on it yesterday evening and he didn’t follow through.” And she also talks about times when she tried timeout with him in his room.

Let’s just take the fact that she insisted on it and the vibe her son got from her. That bit of intensity, it goes into a child’s system, and it’s almost like that ends up churning up the exact response that we don’t want and they don’t really want. Which is, Now I just have this impulse to get up and do this because it was so insisted on! So I know that sounds totally unreasonable, which young children often are, and maybe doesn’t make sense to anybody out there, but the toddler in me gets how that was a setup for failure for me, that obviously my parent didn’t intend that way. That my parent became so insistent instead of using that light touch, what I said was number two, request from a place of authenticity and openness, maybe even vulnerability. “Here’s something we need to do for dad, and how can we do this?” instead of, “This is really important and we’ve got to do this because daddy’s so tired.” Where I’m not really including my child, they’re not feeling the comfort of that connection.

I have the inkling that that insistence, along with the past experiences of the timeout in his room where she said she was holding the handle from the outside and “he turns total havoc, including screaming and door-kicking. And the whole point of the timeout—allowing us both to calm down by getting ourselves together before discussing the issue—is ruined because I can’t calm down either when I have to hold his door shut and listen to his screaming.” And right there is the common misconception about timeout. It’s sold to us as this way that is going to help children calm down and be more reasonable. Because maybe that’s what it does for us when we take a break, maybe for us it calms us down. But when we’re directing a child that they have to do this, what they’re feeling is, I’m being told to do this. I’m being punished. It’s not their choice, I want to calm down, and therefore they don’t calm down. In this case, he was screaming, but sometimes children will seem very quiet and they’re screaming on the inside. The studies show that they’re still dysregulated. They’re not calming down. In fact, they’re getting more upset because of the distance and the emotions they feel from the parent. So this parent really encapsulated right there why timeout doesn’t work, why punishments don’t help us. Definitely not in the bigger picture, but even in the short term, it didn’t help her to get what she wanted, which was for him to follow this direction.

So four: Don’t come at this with intensity or be pushy, trying to force or insist on these voluntary activities.

5. If it doesn’t work or they turn us down if we’re requesting something, let go for the win. And that’s what I meant by this parent saying, “Uh-oh, that didn’t work. Let’s try again next time, and maybe we’ll make a plan.” And it helped that I didn’t have that expectation in the first place that it was going to work. Makes it so much easier to let go. And when we let go, our child gets all that comfort and safety from us that makes them desire, and also be capable of, cooperating the next time. They want to do that for us, because we’ve shown them that we understand them, that they’re not always going to be able to do it, and we don’t hold grudges. And yeah, sure, we’re disappointed maybe, but turning against our child right there—which none of us mean to do, but it can easily happen—is not going to be the answer. It’s not going to help.

So that’s five: If it doesn’t work or they turn us down, let go for the win. For the win next time and the next time and the next time. Without snarky comments, rise above, believing in the goodness of your child and the strength of your love for each other. From those beliefs, all the best things will come.

I hope some of this helps. And for much more detail and a very deep dive into all of this stuff, to really be able to internalize what it feels like to have strong boundaries from this relational perspective, please check out my No Bad Kids Master Course at nobadkidscourse.com, and consider if that might be for you. Also, all of the resources on my website, free for you to read, and the podcast, there’s 325 now, something like that. Every topic under the sun, all together. You’ll get this perspective, if it sounds good to you. It’s certainly saved me.

Thanks so much for listening. We can do this.

If, like myself, you consider yourself a foodie, and you also really enjoy traveling, you might decide to try out local delicacies when traveling, so you can experience the culinary specialties of the region. But if you time it right, you can travel to different locations and get to experience, not just their food, cuisine, but an entire food festival. Here are some you might want to consider when planning your travel dates. Bear in mind that, depending on the popularity of the event, transportation and lodging there might be more expensive at those dates.

Many people who love food would like to take a culinary journey around Europe. With its rich culinary heritage, various foods, and vivacious cooking customs, the continent offers several experiences for one to enjoy. Numerous food festivals across Europe make it possible to fully immerse oneself into the continental gastronomic mosaic. From local to international dishes, these events exhibit European cuisine at its finest. Consequently, if you are an epicurean who is always in the mood for new experiences, then look at these seven such prandial gatherings on different shores of this continent. Prepare yourself for a gustatory adventure without parallel as you taste your way through those offerings.

Here Are The Food Festivals Worth Traveling For In Europe

La Tomatina

Europe is home to the La Tomatina food festival worth attending. It takes place yearly in Buñol, Spain, and involves a riotous tomato fight among thousands of people who gather, grinning ear to ear. Following its inception as an ad hoc food fight in the 1940s, the event has attained international status such that many foreigners visit.

The ripe tomatoes are brought by trucks, triggering an eruption of enthusiasm among participants anticipating this thrilling experience. This is why visitors plunge themselves into mafia-like mobs of tomatoes where they will playfully engage each other amid giggles and harmony before they know it all was actually brief while memories would remain unforgettable.

This elaborate yet artistic tradition at La Tomatina embodies more than just another opportunity for gourmet indulgence, but also a cultural celebration of merriment and cohesion.

Pixabay 

Published: April 13, 2024 | Last Updated on: April 13, 2024
| by Hema

Introducing a delightful twist to the traditional Indian flatbread, our Nutrient-Rich Sprouted Sathumaavu Beetroot Paratha is a culinary masterpiece designed especially for kids. This recipe artfully combines the wholesome goodness of sprouted sathumaavu – a nutritious multi-grain mix, with the natural sweetness and vibrant color of beetroot.

Each bite is packed with essential vitamins, minerals, and fiber, ensuring your little ones enjoy a delicious meal while receiving the benefits of a well-balanced diet. Perfect for picky eaters, this visually appealing, pink-hued paratha promises to make mealtime both fun and nourishing. Whether served for breakfast, lunch, or dinner, it’s a surefire way to introduce a variety of grains and vegetables into your child’s diet, encouraging healthy eating habits from a young age.

Health Benefits of Sprouted Sathumaavu Beetroot Drink Mix

• Boosted Nutrient Absorption:
  Sprouting increases the bioavailability of nutrients in the grains and legumes, making it easier for the body to absorb essential vitamins and minerals.
  Beetroot, rich in iron and folate, further supports blood health and development, crucial for growing children.
• Enhanced Digestive Health:
  The sprouting process reduces anti-nutrients and increases dietary fiber content, improving gut health and promoting regular bowel movements.
  Beetroot’s fiber content supports a healthy digestive system, preventing constipation and promoting a healthy gut microbiome.
• Increased Antioxidant Levels:
  Sprouting increases the antioxidant content in grains and legumes, helping to protect the body’s cells from damage.
  Beetroot contains powerful antioxidants like betalains, which have anti-inflammatory properties and support cellular health.
• Improved Cognitive Function:
  The nitrates found in beetroot are converted into nitric oxide in the body, which can enhance brain function and cognitive development by improving blood flow to the brain.
  A diet rich in multigrains and vegetables like beetroot can support brain health and cognitive functions in children, including memory and concentration.
• Supports Growth and Development:
  The amino acids from the protein in sprouted grains and legumes are essential for the growth and repair of tissues.
  The vitamin C in beetroot aids in the absorption of iron from the Sathu Maavu, ensuring optimal growth and preventing anemia.
• Enhanced Energy Levels:
  The combination of complex carbohydrates from sprouted grains and the natural sugars in beetroot provides a steady source of energy, keeping children active and energetic throughout the day.
  This is particularly beneficial for children’s physical activity and play, supporting endurance and overall physical health.
• Boosts Immunity:
  The sprouted grains and beetroot are rich in vitamins and minerals that play a crucial role in strengthening the immune system.
  Regular consumption can help protect against common infections and promote overall health.

Sprouted Sathumaavu Beetroot Paratha Recipe

Ingredients

• Sprouted Sathumaavu Beetroot Drink Mix -1 cup
• Whole Wheat Flour- 1 cup
• Oil- As required
• Paneer-100g (grated)
• 1 Green Chilli (chopped)
• 1 Onion (chopped)
• Ginger (chopped)
• Salt-1 tsp
• Garam Masala- 1 tsp
• Chilli Powder-1 tsp (optional)
• Ajwain (Carom Seeds): 1/2 tsp
• Sesame Seeds: 1/2 tsp (for garnishing)

Method

• In a mixing bowl, combine the Beetroot Sathumaavu Mix and whole wheat flour.
• Gradually add water as needed and knead the mixture into a soft dough.
• Divide the dough into equal-sized portions and shape them into balls. Set aside.
• Mix grated paneer, chopped green chilli, onion, ginger, salt, garam masala, chilli powder, and ajwain.
• Roll out one dough portion into a disc.
• Place stuffing in the center, fold into a square.
• Roll out into a square paratha.
• Cook on a griddle with oil until golden brown. Sprinkle sesame seeds on the top of the paratha.
• Sprouted sathumaavu Beetroot paratha is now ready to serve.

By incorporating such nutrient-rich foods into kids diet, parents can effectively support their children’s developmental needs while also encouraging healthy eating habits that can last a lifetime. This innovative approach to traditional meals like parathas ensures that children are not only enjoying their meals but also reaping the benefits of a balanced, nutrient-packed diet. In essence, sprouted beetroot Sathu Maavu stands out as a superb dietary choice for nurturing young bodies and minds.

Frequently Asked Questions

About a year ago, I posted about stepping into the grocery store near my physical therapist’s second office (that I only go to between sessions when I have a need for an emergency session) and discovering just how cheap the groceries and especially produce there are. I calculated such a huge price difference that it would possibly make it worth spending the gas money to shop there. But I haven’t done that, though. 

Instead, whenever I am in the area, I make sure to shop there. Two weeks ago I needed to go to an appoitnment in between my usual sessions and was in the area, I popped in to buy some vegetables and other basics, and I was incredibly excited by the prices, especially since lately groceries have been quite expensive.

Then I actually had a funny and strange experience at that grocery store. I filled up my cart with the cheap produce, picking out the most beautiful ones, and then moved on to the cheese counter. While I was there, when I went to put the cheese in my wagon, and a man told that I had his cart instead of mine. I literally looked around the entire store twice and did not find the wagon I filled with produce anywhere which left me so confused. It meant that I had to go fill a new cart with groceries again… but this time the produce wasn’t exactly what I wanted… since I had gotten both soft and hard avocadoes… and I couldn’t find any more soft avocadoes when I went back a second time. And the zucchinis left were smaller and skimpier… And I forgot to get peppers on my second go around…
Either way, cue Twilight Zone spooky music.

Once I got home, being so impressed by the prices, I decided to photograph what I bought and show you just how cheap it actually was.

Tomatoes and cucumbers were $0.25/lb and $0.49/lb respectively instead of their usual $0.77/lb.

Red peppers (which, as I mentioned, I forgot to get the second time, and therefore don’t appear in the picture) were $0.62/lb instead of $1.34/lb.

Avocadoes, now in season (I love avocado season) were  $0.49/lb instead of their lower than usual in season price of $0.78/lb. (These avocadoes were so awesome and huge and delicious.)

I usually buy light green zucchini, (apparently named Magda zucchini) since they’re cheaper than the dark green zucchini. But this time the dark green zucchini was even cheaper than the light green ones, and I paid  $0.37/lb instead of the usual $1.16/lb for the cheaper light green ones.

Potatoes, carrots, cabbage, and onions, which are supposed to be cheap, have been quite expensive lately, at $0.63/lb for the first 3, and $0.77/lb for the last, so it was nice to find them at $0.36/lb each.

Beets also generally a cheap vegetable,  andwere $0.37/lb instead of their usual $0.77/lb.

Sweet potatoes were $0.62/lb instead of $1.16/lb.

I bought a package of basil (so many cheap tomatoes called for a tomato and basil salad) for $1.11 instead of $1.40.

We love artichoke around here, and I was surprised at how cheap it was. Yes, it is in season, but even so, I don’t think I’ve ever seen it this cheap. It was $0.48/lb instad of its usual in season price of $0.78/lb.

Lastly, whole wheat pitas usually cost $2.46 each, but they were 3 fpr $2.86 so $0.95 each.

I was really happy with these prices. So much so that when I was in the area for a play the next week, you betcha, I came back to shop again.

By Louise Kinross

In Canada, children with cerebral palsy are usually diagnosed before they’re 18 months old. In Ethiopia, the average age is five-and-a-half years—missing a critical window for therapy that can improve a child’s life.

Dr. Selamenesh Tsige (above), a former pediatrician at Addis Ababa University hospital, knew this firsthand.

So while completing a fellowship in developmental pediatrics at Holland Bloorview, she worked with staff and residents at Addis Ababa University to train clinicians to use an early identification tool.

The Hammersmith Infant Neurologic Examination (HINE) is “a basic, scorable, standardized neurological exam that focuses on motor impairments,” for children aged two months to two years, Selamenesh says. It’s used widely in Ontario, and Selamenesh learned to use it here.

Clinicians score 26 items in areas like posture, movement and muscle tone using a two-page document with simple pictures “that can be completed in five to 10 minutes once you’re acquainted with it,” Selamenesh says.

In children with pre-existing risk factors for cerebral palsy, the HINE is more than 90 per cent accurate in predicting children with a high probability of cerebral palsy. Children are then assessed clinically and with brain imaging to confirm the diagnosis.

The goal of Selamenesh’s research was to reduce the average age of diagnosis in Ethiopia to under 12 months by integrating the HINE into clinical practice. This would enable children to receive timely referrals to rehab.

She identified three clinics who see children in the under-two age group: a high-risk infant clinic, a pediatric neurology clinic and a pediatric developmental clinic.

She trained the heads of these clinics on the HINE tool over Zoom, then worked with Ethiopian staff and Holland Bloorview clinicians to lead seven Zoom training sessions attended by 54 Ethiopian pediatric residents. The workshops were 90 minutes to two hours long, and used a doll, pictures and videos. Staff in Ethiopia helped residents practice using the assessment in clinic.

Due to the eight-hour time difference, the workshops were held at 5 or 6 a.m. Toronto time. To introduce all staff to the HINE, Selamenesh did one presentation at 1 a.m. Toronto time.

Trainees received a package of educational materials and a video. “One of the challenges was that we don’t have access to printers in these clinics,” Selamenesh says. “Eventually, Dr. Darcy Fehlings was able to get a grant to purchase a printer that the clinics can share.”

The HINE was used in the three clinics over six months.

More than 100 children were assessed and 98 presented with risk factors. Of these 98, 14 children received a cerebral palsy diagnosis and got referred for treatment. Another 20 who didn’t meet the threshold for diagnosis but had a high probability of cerebral palsy also received therapy, as did 16 other children who scored with a lower likelihood of cerebral palsy. Additional children will continue to be monitored. The mean age of children identified with a high probability of cerebral palsy was 10.7 months.

Prior to the project, Ethiopian clinicians didn’t have a tool for early diagnosis or a process for referring young children to therapy.

They could address a medical need like prescribing seizure medication, but they couldn’t intervene to support a child’s functional and developmental needs. Families didn’t feel heard, and often stopped bringing their children for medical visits.

“We had so many positive responses to the HINE training,” Selamenesh says. “One that really stays in my heart is pediatric residents told us that the training decreased [a] sense of worthlessness they used to feel when dealing with children with cerebral palsy. Now they can identify them early, before they develop significant functional impairments, and connect them with available rehab centres in the city.”

Ethiopian staff and residents reported that “families felt like their concerns were validated, and they were being seen,” Selamenesh says.

Selamenesh is pleased to report that the HINE tool has been adopted by clinicians at Addis Ababa University hospital and is even now part of the medical residents’ assessment. She will publish her findings.

The international practice guideline for cerebral palsy recommends an early diagnosis of cerebral palsy before the age of 12 months, and outlines tools to be used as early as five months, including the HINE.

Selamenesh just graduated from the developmental pediatrics fellowship at Holland Bloorview and is the first Ethiopian to become a developmental pediatrician.

Read more about Selamenesh in this earlier BLOOM piece about her. Like this content? Sign up for our monthly BLOOM e-letter, follow @LouiseKinross on Twitter, or watch our A Family Like Mine video series.

Love a good bagel? Delicious New York style bagels and sandwiches that are made fresh daily is what you’ll find at Greenfields Bagels & Deli off of Laurens Road in Greenville, SC. Plus, it’s kosher. They have 18 bagel topping options, including omelet bagels, along with a large selection of deli sandwiches, salads, vegetarian options, soups, smoked fish, and sweet treats! Learn more directly from owner Robin below.

Owners name: Robin Greenfield

Do you have a kids menu? Yes

What are your contactless delivery options? Pickup inside only, Third-Party Delivery

Do you offer outdoor dining? Outdoor Dining – Open Air

What makes your spot unique?
Only kosher-style deli in the area. Fresh made bagels every day. Freshly made salads, soups, and deli sandwiches.

What dish is the most popular? Bagels

What dish are you the proudest of? Bagels

It’s my first time at your restaurant, what do you suggest we order?
The Reuben or Rachel sandwich and a dozen bagels!

Where do you love to eat when not at work?
Pita House

Gifting Options: Gift certificates

Are you a restaurant owner that would like to be featured on Kidding Around’s Local Restaurant Spotlight? Let us know!

What Locals Are Saying About Greenfield’s Bagels

Learn More About Greenfield’s Bagels

Greenfield’s Bagels & Deli
101 Verdae Boulevard, Greenville | 864.987.0064206

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I vividly remember standing in my kitchen, making lunch for my young children, and realizing I was singing Victor Vito as I stirred the pasta sauce. It struck me at that moment. I’m the mama. I’m THE mama! How can that be? How did I get here?  

My children were probably around one and three at the time, so it’s not like I was new to motherhood. It’s not even like it was the first time I had this thought. From the first moment I saw my son, I was in love and loved being a mom, but it took me a long time to fully process my new role.

For years I felt like was not really the mom

For years I had fleeting moments when I didn’t feel like I was as old or as wise or as mom-like as my own mother had been at my age. It was similar to the way I felt when I entered high school, pledged a sorority, or got my first job. It’s a surreal feeling to be doing something you’ve always imagined doing–to be living your dream come true.

I feel the same way now that I am about to be a grandmother. For starters, I am thrilled. I cannot believe that our family is getting a new little one to cuddle and love. Second of all, I can’t believe I am going to be a grandmother! A GRANDMOTHER! How can this be?

How did I get here? It’s exciting, but it’s also a bit overwhelming. Luckily,  just like every other phase of my life, I have wonderful role models in my mother, mother-in-law, and grandmothers.

Nine things I’ve learned from watching my mom and grandmother

1. Grandmothers (and grandfathers) make life easier

My parents were our support system. They provided childcare, transportation, and even entertainment. My kids loved being with their grandparents, and we loved having the extra help. Living near my parents enriched our lives in countless ways. I’m so ready to pay it forward for my kids and their children. 

2. The “Grandmother Effect” is real

The basic idea behind the Grandmother Effect is that in cultures where grandparents are an active part of the family, children and grandparents live longer, happier lives. I know my kids are better off for having grandparents nearby, and my 82-year-old parents would say their lives have been enriched, and probably extended, by spending the last 28 years loving and caring for my children and nephews. 

3. You can’t always choose your grandmother name

The “trend” among grandparents these days is to have a fun, hip name like Cookie or Honey or even Glam-ma. But the reality is, children will call us what they will call us.

My young, funloving, 40-something grandmother wasn’t quite ready to be identified as a grandma or granny. She preferred we just call her by her name–Juanita (Nita for short.) But my older brother’s toddler-speak turned that into Nino. Thereafter, she was Nino to us, my parents, my cousins, and her friends. When she retired and took up painting, she even signed all her artwork NINO.

4. Closeness isn’t just about geography 

We are lucky that our first grandchild will be living close by. But it remains to be seen where our other children will settle and start their families. My mother’s parents lived three hours away, as did my in-laws. Yet, I had a special bond with my Memaw and PaPa, and the same was true for my kids and my husband’s parents. There’s just something about the love between grandparents and their grandchildren that distance can’t diminish–and that’s reassuring. 

5. I will have special traditions

Every spring when I was a child, my mother would take me to visit my grandmother in “the big city” and she and I would go shopping for my Easter dress–just the two of us.. We made a day of it…a dress, shoes, maybe a hat. Once she even bought me white gloves. And we always had lunch at a fancy restaurant. Shopping for Easter was our thing, our special tradition.

I don’t know if it will be Easter dresses or something else, but I’m looking forward to developing a just-for-us tradition with each of my grandchildren.

6. I will use the good china

My dad’s mother was a hostess at heart. She loved to decorate for the holidays and the seasons and to set a pretty table with her finest dishes. Even when she got too old to do much decorating or to host large family gatherings, she would still add a festive touch to every occasion–a red paper heart on our plates in Februrary or a basket of dyed eggs as a centerpiece at Easter. No, she didn’t always use the good china, but she always made getting together feel special.

7. I will give the gift of listening

One of the greatest gifts my parents, in-laws, and grandmother gave me was to listen in rapt fascination to all my stories about my children–their antics, the cute ways they said things, what milestones they accomplished, or how endless and utterly amazing I thought they were. It was as if they had nothing better in the world to do than to hear stories about their grandchildren. It was a testament to their love for the children and for me. 

8. I need to get some cool grandma stuff

Every child should find his or her grandparents’ house a place of wonder. It doesn’t take much–a bowl of butterscotch candies for the taking, a box of multi-colored buttons to play with, or a collection of fun hats.

My grandparents had a mechanical bird that sang when my grandfather wound it with a special key, and my other grandparents had a collection of copper teakettles on their hearth that I, and later my children, were allowed to play with. My mother-in-law kept a box of old frilly nightgowns and silky scarves for playing dress-up. Looking back on my own childhood and my children’s, I realize that seemingly meaningless trinkets can seem like treasures to kids. 

9. I will play with my grandchildren

When I found out I was going to be a grandmother, I started doing pilates because I want to get down on the floor with my grandchildren and build wooden block zoos for all their stuffed animals. I want to take them on long nature walks through the woods and toss them around in the swimming pool. I want to be able to do all the things my parents did with my kids! 

Since finding out that I’m going to be a grandmother, I’ve been doing a lot of thinking about my own grandparents and remembering all the things I loved about being with them. I’m aspiring to be the same type of hands-on, helpful, and fun grandparent that my mom and dad have been and a source of constant love like my in-laws.

I’m so fortunate to have so many wonderful grandparenting examples. It still all seems a bit surreal, but I can’t wait to be a YaYa–or whatever they decide to call me.

More Great Reading:

I’m a Grandmother and It’s STILL Hard to Let Go

After several years of parenting teens and many emotional conflicts along the way, I made a decision. I would no longer argue with my teens.

Why? Because, they would always win. 

Arguments were once common in our house. I noticed that our teens were willing to prove a point with ruthless and harsh words, but as an adult, I understood that retaliating in the same way had the potential to damage our long-term relationship. 

When I stopped arguing with my teens their respect for me increased

Arguing put me on an even playing field with my teens and when I no longer went back and forth or debated heated topics, their respect for me increased. With a little practice and a lot of patience (mostly with myself), I stopped arguing altogether. If your teen is argumentative or tends to seek out conflict, this approach might also work for you. 

When our four children were young, I taught them the benefit of discussing and debating ideas. At family dinners, we practiced debating both sides of controversial subjects taken from the latest headlines and breaking news.

I explained that there were many ways to look at a topic and I emphasized the value of seeing things from another’s perspective. I was proud when our kids were able to confidently share their point of view or make a convincing case to a teacher or coach. 

I taught my kids how to take the other side of an argument and it backfired

However, this backfired on me as they grew older and held passionate opposing opinions on subjects that I felt were important or non-negotiable. I came to understand that there was a fine line between respecting authority and standing up for yourself and your opinions.

My oldest teen seemed to enjoy arguing and could also become easily defensive. “The deadline to sign up for the summer course is coming up,” I would say. “I still have time,” he would reply automatically. I stopped myself from going back and forth. Instead of arguing, I later left the program brochure on his desk with the deadline circled. In this case, I used the brochure as a neutral tool to address our disagreement.

I allowed my teens to suffer the natural consequences of their actions

“The grocery store closes at 10:00 PM, didn’t you want to run out and pick up protein powder so you’ll have it for school tomorrow?” I asked. “It closes at 11:00 PM,” he would say with certainty. Instead of disagreeing, I watched him leave at 10:30 PM and let the closed store speak for me. 

I no longer argued about when it was time to refill the gas tank. I watched it go to empty and sympathized when our teen had to walk a half a mile to pick up more gas. I didn’t give into the panic that I felt inside over another looming deadline involving an elite football camp. Although it was challenging not to intervene, I held back and allowed my teens to correct themselves. 

In the past, our disagreements escalated into insults about the quality of parenting (mine) or laziness and apathy (theirs). Now, in the absence of a power struggle, impassioned topics were discussed in a more peaceful way. 

I detached myself from needing to be correct

When our teen remembered ordering an item on the takeout menu that I believed was no longer offered, I said, “Let’s check the menu. You believe one thing and I think it’s another.” I detached myself from being correct and our disagreements no longer dissolved into a fight. 

“Don’t make a purchase on such a sketchy website,” I said. “All my friends use the site,” our teen replied defensively. Unfortunately, the website was indeed suspect and the battle with the bank was hers to fight. When our teen was required to correct herself, the lesson hit home.

It’s not healthy to live in constant combat

If you find yourself frequently arguing with your teen, try shrugging your shoulders instead. Make the decision not to argue. Instead, share the instructions, find the rules, and allow your teens to correct themselves. 

I eventually eliminated the habit of reproaching and arguing with our teens because it almost always caused them to lash out. It’s now an ingrained habit to avoid arguments altogether.

It wasn’t healthy for us to live in a combative environment and my teens were willing to say almost anything in order to be right. Now, I offer my point of view but I refuse to arm wrestle. Now that I’m no longer on an even playing field, our relationship has improved, and I’ve gained the respect that I wanted.

More Great Reading:

My Teens Began to Change When I Stopped Talking and Did This, Instead