Category: Humor

Picking random items without repetition is its own special challenge. It’s one of those things that’s not actually hard, but some programmers have a difficult time coming up with solutions to the problem. Abraham has found these two examples in some code he maintains:

    int alreadyUsed = 0;
    while (alreadyUsed < 3) {
        int rand = random()%4;
        if(!m_AllOptions[rand]->used) {
            m_AllOptions[rand]->used = true;
            alreadyUsed++;
        }
    }

Here, they need to choose three items out of a list of four. So the solution is to keep randomly selecting items, and if their used flag isn’t true, set it to true and increment. Like a lot of bad solutions to random selection, this one will probably complete in a reasonable amount of time, but might never complete.

        
        int random = std::rand() % 5;
        while (slots[random].active)
        {
            ++random;
            if (random > SLOTS_MAX)
            {
                random = 0;
            }
        }

Here, there are a set of slots. I don’t know exactly what they’re for, but it doesn’t really matter. This code attempts to round-robin its way through those slots. It starts by picking a random slot (via magic number, which I assume is equal to SLOTS_MAX, but who knows?). If that slot is active, we keep incrementing our index, wrapping back around to zero. And we just keep incrementing and searching, and we never give up.

You already know how this story ends: a different bug meant that slots weren’t getting freed after user, which meant when attempting to grab a new slot, an infinite loop would trigger. Slots were also held onto for multiple seconds, so even after fixing that bug, there was a good chance that this code would enter a busy loop that hung the application while waiting for a slot to free up.

“Never trust your inputs” is a generally good piece of advice for software development. We can, however, get carried away.

Janice inherited a system which, among many other things, stores phone numbers. Like most such systems, the database validates phone numbers, and guarantees that numbers are stored in a canonical format, as text.

For some reason, their Rails presentation layer isn’t satisfied with this, and needs to validate the data coming from the database. In their specific environment, they know the database only contains canonical phone numbers, but honestly, I’m willing to forgive the belts-and-braces approach, as I’ve certainly used enough databases that couldn’t provide those kinds of guarantees.

No, the problem is the way they went about it.

phone = acct.phone_number.to_s
raise "phone number blank!" if phone.blank?
phone.gsub!(/+/,'')
if (phone =~ /A+[0-9]+Z/)
	phone = 'phn:'+phone
elsif (phone =~ /A[0-9]+Z/)
	phone = 'phn:+'+phone
else
	raise "phone number: incorrect format!"
end

So, first, we convert the text field in the database to a string, which of course it already was. Then we use gsub to strip any “+” characters from the string. Then, we have our if statement, where we check two regexes.

First, we check if the string is a + followed by 1 or more digits. This branch will never be true, as we just removed all the plus signs. Then we check if it’s a series of digits. If it is just a series of digits, note that we put the + back on, right after removing it. This does guarantee that there are no middle +, which isn’t a thing the database would allow anyway.

But this doesn’t guarantee a valid phone number. It just guarantees that we only display phone numbers which contain at least one digit and any number of + signs. The number of digits isn’t accounted for (which will have international variations but we can sorta set a range of how many characters there should be).

The fact that this phone number validation is wrong ends up not mattering, though, as the data in the database is valid.

I don’t even know what the phn: is intended to be- it looks like it might be intended as a URL protocol, but the phone call protocol is tel:. It might be a formatting convention, but I have some doubts that string concatenation is the right way to do it.

DETROIT, Michigan – (Satire News) – The QuinniPinni Polling Agency took a poll and found out that there are now officially “Trump Sucks” billboards up in every state in the entire nation; including Alabama which is a Trumpturd state that is redder than a baboon’s ass.

The signs were put up by one of the biggest anti-Trump republicans, George Conway, who is married to one of the biggest Trump ass kissers, Kellyanne Conway.

George has gone on many networks and stated that he knows Trump very well, and he added that he is nothing more than a punk ass bully, who has to have everything go his way or he pouts, and whines, and calls his friends, associates, and even relatives, every vulgar name in the “Book of Vulgarities.”

Trump has said that he wants the “Trump Sucks, billboards taken down immediately or he will sue.

SIDENOTE: The Cloud 9 News Agency says that Trump owes over $2.9 billion to electricians, plumbers, doctors, attorneys, landscapers, plastic surgeons, and a doctor who did a procedure on his undescended balls, so the racist, predator does not have enough money to hire a teenage boy to mow his lawn, much less pay for expensive as hell attorneys.

LA PAZ, Bolivia – (World Satire) – The Global Source News Agency is reporting that the South American government of Bolivia has just purchased a nuclear weapon from the Republic of China.

According to GSNA writer Topeka Joplin, Bolivia wants the weapon, to use as a deterrent from being invaded by the neighboring country of Chile.

A spokesperson for the Chilean government stated that President Gilbert “El Hot Head” Boric wants to invade Bolivia to capture their much needed exports, which include gold, intimate jewelry, pomegranates, animal fodder, plywood, and IUDs (Intrauternine Devices).

SIDENOTE: Bolivian President Luis “Louie Louie” Arce informed the news media that his country purchased the six-year-old nuclear weapon from China to discourage Chile from invading them.

BILLINGSGATE POST: Mike Lindell, the My Pillow guy, reports that a fully armed FBI special unit snatched his smart phone yesterday. Armed to the teeth in full camouflage combat gear, with night vision goggles and grenade launchers, the FBI moved in on Lindell while he was ordering a Monster Angus Burger and French fries at a Hardee’s restaurant in Mankato, Minn.

Lindell said he and a friend were on their way home from duck hunting in Iowa and stopped at the fast-food restaurant when three cars with four FBI agents surrounded his vehicle.

“The FBI corralled me in Mankato, Minnesota, and took my cell phone,” Lindell told the reporter in a rambling interview in which he repeatedly attacked liberal media outlets, fulminated about Dominion Voting Systems and said the company is trying to destroy his pillow company.

Lindell said that one of the agents apologized to him: “My wife was thrilled when I told her I was part of this operation. She just loves you, but wants to know why you stopped using cotton grown in the Giza area in Egypt and switched to percale for your sheets?”

“Where are your f*cking Tomahawk missiles, Dude?” he asked the lead agent. “I heard that when you raided Roger Stone in the middle of the night, you had a submarine off the coast of Florida with missiles up and armed with tactical nuclear warheads if he tried to made a run for it.”

“I don’t get no respect.”

Roger Stone, who has a tattoo of Richard Nixon on his back, in describing the incident:

“When they came after me while I was in bed early that morning, they had 26 fully armed agents, 6 M3 Bradley tanks and 12 AFV’s on the street, all ready to fire if I made a move. I guess the only thing that saved me from total annihilation was my two Yorkshire terriers that I had in my arms. They must have thought I might unleash the little guys on them.”

Dr. Slim: “A loaf of bread, a jug of wine, and thou.”

Dirty: “Yo, Doctor Dude. Name three things that have yeast.”

TAMPA BAY, Florida – (Sports Satire) – The Sports Bet Gazette is reporting that the wife of Tampa Bay Buccaneers quarterback Tom Brady has told him that she is thinking of filing for adivorce.

Zorro La Bamba with SBG has learned that Tom’s wife, Brazilian model Gisele Bundchen, has told him that if he does not quit football and very soon, she will take the kids and HALF of his billions and move back to her native Brazil, quicker than it takes two fleas to fuck.

When asked why she would want her extremely successful husband to quit the game that he loves so passionately, she replied, “I want Tommy to be able to take me dancing in Paris, and hiking up to the Himalayas, and snow skiing in the Alps, and boinking down in Cancun, and if he gets hit by one of those volcano-looking, 350 plus pound defensive linemen, he could end up looking flatter than a piece of sandpaper.”

MANHATTAN – (Sports Satire) – Barron Trump is nothing like his ignorant, stupid, racist father, Donaldo Jonathan Erasmus Trump.

Barron who stands 6-foot-5 towers over his father who says he’s 6-foot-2, but is actually 5-foot-10.

Melania, who is estranged from the Toxic Trump (aka DJT) says that little Barron has more class in one of his ear lobes than her asshole “Husbandt,” has in his entire 349½ pound body of whale blubber.

According to Sportsapalooza’s Pia Confetti, Barron’s dream is to one day play in the NBA.

Barron is being tutored by none other than LeBron James, who just happens to be Barron’s mother’s boyfriend.

LONDON – (UK Satire) – World out of Buckingham Palace is that the Royal Guards are as happy as termites in a Swiss wooden clog factory.

London Dispatch-Messenger reporter Conrad Bloomin states that the reason for their unbridled joy is due to the fact that England’s new King Charles III, has informed them that they are all getting an astounding 26% raise.

One guard, identified as Dabney Settegast, Jr., commented that he has played golf with the new king, and he finds him to be a quite nice, cheery ol’ chap.

King Charles III, has also informed the double decker bus drivers (and the triple decker bus drivers), that he will be giving them all a wonderful Christmas bonus of £16,000 [$18,500 – US]

Really? What does Graham know? He introduced a 15-week ban on abortion. How many babies has Graham had? Has he ever been pregnant? Has he ever had a menstrual period? Did he ever have to choose between pads or tampons?

He looks and sounds like he’s suffering from morning sickness, but is he? If he’s never been pregnant, he certainly doesn’t know what labor pain is or having one every two minutes for several hours.

What is a contraction, Lindsey?

So why is Lindsey trying to introduce a law dictating when it’s okay or no way for a woman to have an abortion? Does he also plan to determine and limit the number of days a woman’s menstrual cycle should last?

Will the US Supreme Court also weigh in on that question, setting limits on the number of days a menstrual cycle can last? They’ve already ruled on women’s reproduction rights, so why not go ahead?

The term abortion is not adequate, as sounding too grim. Why not call it instead a Touch-Down? A Touch-Down is precisely what men would call an abortion if they were to get pregnant and decide to terminate their pregnancy.

“I made one fast Touch-Down at the barber’s yesterday, and man, did I spite that ball afterward! I thought I was putting on a few pounds, and then I took a nose swabs test….”

Indeed! Who knows what climate change will reap in the male body? Snow falls in summer, and there are heat waves in the middle of winter. The Amazon is turning into a desert, and the Sahara could turn into a forest. Men might have the same kind of switch.

Meanwhile, Senator Lindsey Graham: Stick to crackers and stay out of ladies’ bodies.

Read more by this author:

(Virgins Against Viagra (V. A. V.) – is a new internet group – starting up in every state in America.)

We are tired of hearing about Abortion, Abortion, Abortion. We believe in No sex before marriage. We don’t blame the women – as the devilish Men are great at talking a woman into premarital sex – said Miss Sally Saunders, a 40-year-old member.

A few drinks, some smooth talk by a good-looking guy – and pop – the legs fly open.

And the resulting pregnancies that need to be aborted? All the fault of the men and their use of Viagra.

If the men were in their normal state (half drunk and no Viagra), half of these pregnancies would not happen.

It is the Viagra that does it. Men can get it easily – and it’s used by the young men as a party drug. Disgraceful.

If they do a total ban on Abortion – we also need a total ban on Viagra – unless medically needed by a recognized medical condition of

Impotence.

This total ban on abortion for women – but total freedom for men to use Viagra as much as they want is crazy.

And Sexist!

Cut the use of Viagra – and you cut the unwanted pregnancies and need for abortions – that is our opinion. And keep those legs crossed, Ladies!

The Queen died in her 90’s.

All of her thousands of her military funeral guards in their trim red uniforms – (quaintly called Redcoats in America) – have those huge bearskin hats on their heads.

They are very reminiscent of the Marge Simpson beehive hairdo on the popular American Cartoon show – that American Adults incomprehensibly love. What a simple people they are.

Alas – Canada is covered in black bear skeleton’s – so large is the industry supplying the black bear skins to make the tall bearskin hats – used in all the Royal ceremonies

They could use black polyester, and nobody would know the difference –

but Ecology has never been a strong suit of the Royals.

They have been slaughtering grouse, pheasants and foxes for centuries.

Possibly this will change with Charles in charge. He might stop the Slaughter of the Bears.

The costs of these hats are astronomical – but of course the Royals have never worried about costs, as they don’t pay taxes. They probably have warehouses full of these hats.

And for ninety years or so – yearly – they have had to kill hundreds of Canadian Black bears – as some of the hats age and are discarded – and new ones are made. (It is a wonder none of these used hats have shown up on Craigslist.)

Anyway, the slaughter is never mentioned in Canada. They seem to feel they have a large supply of black bears – and otherwise don’t care.

Let’s hope King Charles will do something about this problem.

Maybe Tall Black Felt hats, made of English Felt would solve the problem.

The Bears would be grateful.

LONDON – (UK Satire) – Everyone knows that Prince William, one of Queen Elizabeth’s grandsons loved to go on fox hunts with his granny.

Reporter Grover Buck, with Tickety Boo News, said that Wils was thrilled when he learned from his dad, King Charles, that his grandmother had left him her favorite fox hunt horse, “Buffy.”

In fact, Willie, as Brit comedian Ricky Gervais calls the young prince, was the only person allowed to ride “Buffy.”

Camilla Parker Bowles, the wife of the newly crowed King Charles, noted that not even the queen’s best friend (Piers Morgan), was allowed to ride her favorite horse.

DENVER, Colorado – (Satire News) – The Cloud 9 News Agency has just broken the story that the Colorado Senate has voted 91 to 4, with 5 abstentions to prohibit the former Golfer-in-Chief from ever setting foot in the Rocky Mountain State.

The vote was taken after Trump announced to one of his remaining friends at Fox News, Greg “The Rodent” Gutfeld, that he was planning on taking a trip to visit the Coors Brewing Company in Golden, Colorado.

Colorado Governor Jared Polis, stated that Trump The Traitor is about as welcome to the state of Colorado as a case of the clap is to a prostitute. ■

Hello,

Raymond Ving here, 80 years old, and still as tediously annoying as I always have been. Anyway, will you be buying Cliff Richard’s new Christmas album this year?

Why?
Why not?
Why don’t you like the evergreen King of Pop?
England’s most successful Elvis Presley impersonator?

Did you see the film? The one with Woody from Toy Story in it?
I did. I didn’t like it. It was far too loud for me, and I am eighty, and partially deaf.

Will you be buying Cliff Richard’s new Christmas album? You can buy it for your elderly friends and family members.
I won’t be buying it.

NEW YORK CITY – (Satire News) – It is being reported by The Global Source News Agency that Queen Elizabeth, who owned the largest collection of hats in the entire world, has left them all to her daughter-in-law, Meghan Markle.

The wife of the queen’s grandson, Prince Harry, was actually shocked to learn that her mother-in-law, would leave the extensive hat collection to her and not to her other daughter-in-law Kate, wife of Prince William.

Markle told GSNA writer Topeka Joplin that she will cherish her collection of 4,738 hats, and she will keep the entire collection in the couple’s Beverly Hills mansion, in the 50 foot by 50 foot Queen Elizabeth Commemorative Room.

SIDENOTE: Meghan confided to Andy Cohen, America’s information guru, that her and the queen had patched up their differences and texted on a daily basis.

People of Walmart is a humor blog that depicts the many customers of Walmart stores across the United States and Canada. Through funny photos and videos, People of Walmart is an entertainment blog in the Three Ring Blogs network that features over 30 of the funniest humor blogs on the internet. Walmart is the largest retail store in the United States and has millions of people visit stores each day wearing anything but proper attire. Hello Flippa.