Category: Humor

EL SEGUNDO, California – (Satire News) – Information guru Andy Cohen has learned that the couple known as “The Academy Award Black White Trash Couple,” could be headed for “Big D Land,” (Divorce)

Cohen, who knows both the tall drink of black water (Will Smith) and the midget black stump (Jada Pinkett Smith) points out that the two have actually hated each other for many years.

The unorthodox pair simply put up a facade, a fake front, in order to continue having their fans idolize them.

But a recent QuinniPinni Poll clearly shows that Smith and Pinkett Smith are about as popular as an STD.

Will “The Pussyfied Ambusher’s” favorable rating is 2.3% and the “Carnival Dwarf’s” approval rating is 1.4 %

Cohen said that the famous, or rather former famous, couple say that they are only standing together for the kids.

[PUBLISHER’S NOTE: FOR THE KIDS! MY GOODNESS! The “Kids” are Trey, who is 25, Jaden, who dresses like a girl, and is 19, and Willow, who looks like a crazed squirrel, and is 17.]

Vladimir Putin has pronounced from a podium while standing on a chair that he has annexed Texas. Propelled by his annexation of Ukraine territory, he decided to include Texas, and why not? It’s only a paper deal. It isn’t as though Texans will start speaking in Russian.

President Biden heard of Putin’s annexation, saying, “Get out of here. What’s he smoking? My grandmother used to say, ‘Joey, don’t let anyone take your school lunch.”

“Lunch?”

“Same as Texas.”

The takeover began with street signs changed and written in Cyrillic, causing mass confusion and traffic jams. Instead of hamburgers, McDonald’s was selling piroshki and cabbage soup.

Biden was outraged. “What the hell is going on?”

Biden was told that the Russian soldiers had taken over the McDonald’s food chain in Texas and converted it to selling only Russian foods. He was also warned, “Wait until you see their Russian women’s fashions.”

Biden immediately dispatched Vice President Kamala Harris to Texas to clarify the situation. She returned on Air Force Two with a basket filled with piroshki and wearing a babushka. “These are yummy, and I don’t have to keep doing my hair roots every week.”

“My father used to say, ‘Joey, never send a woman in to do a man’s job.’ Kamala, you are not woke. Mobilize the National Guard, flood those Russian soldiers with vodka, and kick their Russian asses out of Texas. Putin can’t sign a piece of paper and declare that it’s Russia.”

“Done.”

“My second-grade school teacher, Sister Mary Yardstick, used to say, ‘Joseph, never forge your parent’s name on any excuse note.’ And I never did.”

Read more by this author:

… or maybe oneth things snecod,
as it turns out.
This week, two unique anonymeese
have brought something to share, and our alien
friend Skippy piles on to the Lenovo laugh-in. Guten Morgen!

Decisive
Michael R.
is flummoxed by the law of the excluded middle.
“YES,” he assures us, “yes, those were checkboxes. And, no, not radios.”

 

Elementary Counting Instructor
Willy
found an NHS formula that doesn’t add up. Says Willy:
“Got to get my son vaccinated, I think he’s free on the 1th October.”
There’s a joke in here about queues but I’m too tired to make it,
maybe one of the peanut gallery can lend a hand?

 

The first of our mouse members, styled
Anon M.
points out a simple truth:
“Asking good questions doesn’t guarantee good answers.”

 

And the second anonymous styles nothing but sagely observes
“I think the owner of this site is also unclear on what
Operational Excellence means.”

 

Winding up this week’s set as promised, thanks go
to the
Austrian Kangaroo
for yeeting this scrap on the schnitzelbank.
“Today I came to the office and saw that my machine had
to do an update. Before the update was started by some
magic and unexpectedly restarts my system in the middle
of me working on something, I started it by myself. As
expected, it let me know that after the installation it
would restart the system. So I was surprised when, after
some time the attached error showed up. In the end, I
could just continue with everything I did before without
rebooting as the update just did not work, I just had to
start all the applications I was working with again…
What a nice Friday!”

 

WASHINGTON, D.C. – (Satire News) – The white wife of Supreme Court Justice Clarence Thomas who is black, testified before The Senate Condemnatory Hearing On The Evil Terrorist Assault of Jan. 6.

As many reputable national publications have stated including BuzzFuzz, Ipso Facto News, Boom Boom News, The Cloud 9 News Agency, and The Cosmos News Service, Ginni Thomas, who admits to being 97 pounds overweight, having upper thigh cellulite, spide veins, and blemishes on her ovaries, is regarded as one of the dumbest, stupidist, of all Trump die-hard supporters.

Even Fox News “Wonderboy.” Sean “Fred Flintstone” Hannity said of Ginni that the flakey, nutty, fruity broad needs to be institutionalized ‘yesterday.’

Mrs. Thomas, who is actually more hated than Ann Coulter, Marsha Blackburn, and Laura Ingraham, still actually believes in her fucked up brain of brains, that the racist, pussy-grabbing Donald Trump, actually won the 2020 presidential election.

Boom Boom News has learned that Ginni tips the scales at 262, and her left tit is a DD cup and her right tit is a DDD cup.

SIDENOTE: Las Vegas oddsmakers have pointed out that, the fat, tub of industrial lard, dishwater blonde Ginni Thomas has a better chance of being elected Miss America, than Trump had of actually being the 2020 winner.

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LONDON – (UK Satire) – The senior reporter with the BBC, Tyrus Bottomfiddle, recently chatted with PM Liz Truss in her office at 10 Downing Street.

The new prime minister told Bottomfiddle that she is enjoying every minute of leading Europe’s number one country.

She noted that she is positively loving the excellent culinary dishes that the kitchen staff prepares including the best tasting pork and asparagus crumpets she has ever tasted.

Bottomfiddle asked about the new British aircraft carrier that is being commissioned.

Truss revealed that, as the UK leader, she has taken it upon herself, to officially name the new naval vessel after the newly crowned king, “The HMS King Charles III.”

Following a monumentally bad week, even by modern conservative standards, British Prime Minister Liz Truss has spent the past few days hiding in a fridge.

The purveyor of Beijing Pork Markets, who has changed her political affiliations more than Donald Trump and Anakin Skywalker followed in the footsteps of the former Prime Minister Boris Johnso who also spent some time hiding in a fridge.

‘We know that Liz Truss spends time in a fridge because it gives her a warmer reception than any person does’ said a Wag on Twitter.

‘Next, she will blame it on everyone else’ said another Wag. ‘Like they all do.’

The Fridge was unavailable for comment, but it is believed that it doesn’t embrace its association with Liz Truss.

An online petition signed by more than 13 people has made absolutely no difference to the world, we can reveal.

The petition the colour of cellophane, the size of Pickled onions or another equally tedious subject has been forwarded to the body in charge, only to be in the spam filter for three days before being deleted.

Peter Smallbody, who was one of the people to sign it said ‘Yes, the colour of cellophane and the size of a pickled onion are at the top of my list of priorities, so I am shocked that it ended up in the spam filter’.

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WASHINGTON, D.C. – (Satire News) – The Trumptard recently texted President Biden and told him that if a hurricane hits and devastates his beautiful Mar-a-Lago complex, that he demands that the Federal Governement send him millions and millions of dollars in aid to fix up his luxurious home.

President Biden wasted no time in telling the racist whoremonger that if a hurricane totally levels “Mar-a-Liar,” that he (Trump) is on his own, since, as he (Trump) keeps saying delusionally, that he has more money than Bezos, Musk, Gates, and King Charles III, combined.

SIDENOTE: Vice-President Kamala Harris chimed in and said that if a hurricane hits and destroys the shit out of Mar-a Liar, that the “Pussy Grabber,” (Trump) should ask his one remaining friend, Fox News host Greg “The Rodent” Gutfeld for a FUCKING loan.

Mike Luckovich of the Atlanta Constitution received two amazing honors in 2006, winning both a Pulitzer Prize and the Reuben award for Outstanding Cartoonist of the Year. This was the second Pulitzer for Luckovich; his first was awarded in 1995. He had previously received the Reuben award for Editorial Cartooning in 2001, but this was his first time to be named the overall outstanding cartoonist by a group of his peers. The Reuben awards are distributed each year by the National Cartoonists Society and are considered professional cartooning’s highest honor.

Impressive as these achievements are, they are only the latest in a long line of awards for Luckovich. He was a runner-up for the Pulitzer in 1987 before garnering the 1995 win.  In 1989, he won the Overseas Press Club’s award for the “Best Cartoons on Foreign Affairs for 1989,” and in 1991, he was awarded the National Headliners award for editorial cartoonists. In 1994, a Luckovich cartoon was selected by voters in a Newsweek magazine poll as one of the four best editorial cartoons of the year.

After freelancing and selling life insurance to make ends meet following his graduation from the University of Washington in 1982, Luckovich landed his first cartooning job at the Greenville News in South Carolina. After nine months at the News, Luckovich was hired by The Times-Picayune in New Orleans, where he stayed for four years before moving on to Atlanta.

Luckovich’s cartoons, syndicated nationally by Creators Syndicate, appear in more than 350 daily publications, including The Washington Post,The San Diego Union-Tribune, The Denver Post, Newsday, New York Post, The Cleveland Plain-Dealer, The Dallas Morning News, the Boston Globe, the Seattle Times, the Los Angeles Times, the Chicago Tribune, the Nashville Tennessean and the Houston Chronicle, and are reprinted regularly in Time, Newsweek and the New York Times.

Luckovich and his wife, Margo, have four children. His hobbies include exercising and collecting unique ties.