6792 points, 475 comments.
Category: Humor
Humor | ReportWire publishes the latest breaking U.S. and world news, trending topics and developing stories from around globe.
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Ship of Fools – John Thomas, Humor Times
George Santos, Jared Kushner-IDENTICAL TWINS-
Read MORON this below.
A PAIR o’ SITES- for sore eyes-
SLUM LORD/ BOTTOM FEEDERS- carping silk suits.
Human barnacles dragging every “SEE WORTHY” value- into MAGA’s foggy toilet bottom.
SHELLFISH self-aggrandizement.
Set agrift Captain!
-A personal, poisoned, entitlement swamp in Florida.
Forensic accounting will Fathom their slimy financial anchor chains.
Santos, Kushner, Trump- secret fundings, ALL below decks.
Proven MURDERERS, Traitors, cut throats.
Kushner’s (CONVICTED FELON) father -PARDONED by (TWICE IMPEACHED) TRUMP.
Jared married Trump’s (Jew-ish) daughter Ivanka.
Jared’s crooked family bought “sunny boys” FAKE Harvard education.
Kushner rewarded Mommy by overpaying 1.8 billion dollars for the “worst real-estate white elephant in NYC history”- (666 Park Avenue).
Jared leveraged (father-in-law) Trump’s White House to find his “latest sheik daddy”- corrupt, WEALTHY Saudi Prince (MBS).
Jared traded (Mar-O-Lago) SECRET DOCUMENTS- MBS paid Jared 2 billion to launder his gore!
Diabolically, Dismembered, disappeared- MBS murdered journalist Jamal Khashoggi inside a Saudi Consulate on October 2nd 2018.
Undertaker Jared’s – NYC mortuary address-666…how prophetic.
Shortly after a deadly DC insurrection- Jared “KEEL HAULED IN” that Saudi paycheck for 2 billion.
Jared “lost interest” in politics, ghost writing a pathetic autobiography titled “Breaking Wind- death by flatulence- Owned/ Punk/ Traitor”
1.8 billion can’t wash away Khashoggis’ innocent blood.
34-year-old, New York, 3rd District, REPUBLICAN- U.S Representative Santos is “twinkle toes” compared to TRUMPS MOBSTERS… except -OF COURSE- Congressman Santos would gleefully ballroom “THIS KILLING”- backwards, in drag, with high heels- for stare change.
Read MORON this above.
John likes to write about all kinds of things. So he does. You’re reading one now – enjoy!
Latest posts by John Thomas (see all)Signed: Glenn Jones
Glenn Jones
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Joe Biden Reassures Himself People Not Thinking About Him That Much
WASHINGTON—In an attempt to relieve some of the tremendous insecurity and anxiety he had been experiencing lately, President Joe Biden reportedly reassured himself Tuesday that people weren’t even thinking about him all that much. “People have jobs and kids—they have lives—so it’s not like they’re going to spend a lot of time paying attention to me,” said President Biden, reminding himself that between inflation, healthcare costs, the loss of reproductive rights, gun violence, and environmental disaster, most Americans had “enough on their plate already” without worrying about what “old Joe Biden” was doing. “I can’t let myself get worked up by all this shit. I mean, on a given day, there are probably only a handful of people who notice me, and they’re all way too busy to bother scrutinizing my words and actions. Seriously, how many folks in this town even know my name?” At press time, sources confirmed that Biden had calmed his nerves before a major summit on averting climate catastrophe by reminding himself that it was okay to make mistakes.
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r/funny – No Valentine? No problem
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Weird Fashion: This Instagram Account Collects It All
You have to question when you see these ridiculous outfits gathered by @HintMag if fashion designers are indeed suggesting that this is what people should wear or if they’re just poking fun of everybody. This Instagram account collects the finest examples of weird fashion you can find online. Scroll down to see the best examples!
liver
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Comments, Documentation, and Nulls
Ah, the joy of comments. Good comments can illuminate complicated code, explain a programmer's reasoning, or even just do their best to absolve a burned out programmer of their sins. "Yes, it's bad, but it works."
Then there's this comment, sent to us by Mark B. This is from a configuration file format, "helpfully" explaining what the flag does.
// [true, false] if this is true the provided credentials will be encrypted i.e. the provided credentials will not be encryptedNow, the developer clearly meant "if true, we encrypt, if false, we don't", but clearly didn't understand what "i.e." means ("that means", or "that is to say", or "in other words"), creating a WTF for grammarians everywhere, and a headscratcher for the developer reading this for the first time.
While we're picking on documentation, let's pick on someone our own size, or maybe a little larger. Let's pick on Adobe. Nancy recently had to use Adobe's analytics system, which they describe thus: "Everything about this API is terrible."
And there are choices in that API. Instead of using arrays, for example, the tracked events are placed into a data structure like this:
_experience.analytics.event1to100.event33. "This pattern repeats every 100 events to_experience.analytics.event901to1000.901-_experience.analytics.event901to1000.event1000.Now, I'm sure this wasn't a choice made lightly, and probably is coupled to some internal implementation that makes arrays a non-starter for this field. But it's still the kind of API that makes me cringe. Especially as the API does have fields, like
productListItems, that are arrays.And finally, let's close out today's installment with some actual code. James sends us this one-liner from the
WHEREclause of a stored procedure:emp.LawbaseCode = ISNULL(null, emp.LawbaseCode)The
ISNULLfunction takes two parameters: a check expression which may be null, and a value to return if that expression is null. Sincenullis alwaysnull, this will always returnemp.LawbaseCode, which is also the value we're comparing against, making this a check to see that a field equals itself within aWHEREclause.James writes:
Not sure how it got there or what it was even supposed to be doing. At best it's a great way to reduce query performance.
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Continuously monitor your servers for configuration changes, and report when there's configuration drift. Get started with Otter today!Remy Porter
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Crime Morphs Into Pro Sports League – Ted Holland, Humor Times
Dispatches from SNN (Slobovian News Network)
Is there life after football? Thanks to a crime spree turned pro sports league, you bet! (Seriously, Las Vegas is “jacked.”)
Carjacking is a major crime running rampant in major US cities and small towns. This past year in just the cities of New York, Chicago, Dallas and New Orleans there were over 3000 reported incidents of carjacking.
Carjacking scene from Transporter 2. According to rap star Kool Ice Thugge, “Carjacking is a major enterprise, an art form and science. It is a display of skill and ability much like chess or football.”
Now Mr Thugge will serve as commissioner of the world’s newest pro sports league: the National Carjacking League (NCL), set to debut on the Gangsta TV Network on March 5, 2023.
The object of the game is to spot, jack and chop cars in a 90 minute time limit. Teams get points for the most cars, the most expensive car and the fastest jackings.
The league will be divided into two divisions: the NYC Drill Rap Division and the Gangsta Rap Division. Below are the initial teams for the league launch.
NYC Drill Rap Division:
The Harlem Hustlas
The Manhattan Felony Squad
The Green Point Gassers
The Brooklyn Hilltop Hijackers
The Bronx Carnappas
The Queens Road Ragers
The Long Island Ice T’s
The Westchester Hot Rod GirllzGangsta Rap Division:
The Boston Banditos
The Chicago Carjackers
The Detroit Drivers
The Los Angeles Los Gatos
The Jersey Jackers
The Las Vegas Vroom Vroomz
The Atlanta Georgia Grand Theft Autos
The Pittsburgh Car Pirates
The New Orleans Happy JackersEach team will be comprised of 5 members: a Jacker, a Gunner, a Driver, a Thug and a Chopper.
Should a game end in a tie, it will lead to a “Sudden Death Jackoff.”
The Divisional leaders will meet in the Championship Super Jackoff Bowl.
Breaking News
Air Force Shoots Down Superman, the Tooth Fairy, Flash Gordon, Casper the Friendly Ghost and Michael the Archangel.
SNN Words to Live By
“People are dying now that ain’t never died before.” — Mr. Brown (David Mann), Meet the Browns, TV show.
“He who throws mud loses ground.” — Old Navajo saying.
“Oop Bop Sh’Bam.” — Dizzy Gillespie, Oop Bop Sh’Bam, 1946 song.
Ted holland attended college for four years. The year that he bothered to go to class he studied history. He majored in throwing quarters in the jukebox in the Student Union canteen and minored in a girl named Marsha. His books include This Day In African American Musicand B Western Actors Encyclopedia.
Latest posts by Ted Holland (see all)Ted Holland
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Republican Stink Tank Interview – Dean Kaner, Humor Times
Wherein our intrepid talk radio host interviews the Republican Stink Tank, aka Kevin McCarthy and sidekick George Santos.
ANNOUNCER
From under a rock in your backyard, it’s The Jerry Duncan Show.
JERRY DUNCAN
Good morning listeners nationwide. Is it a good morning? We’ll soon find out. Today on the show my guests are Republican House Majority Leader Kevin McCarthy and his sidekick New York Congressman George Santos, leaders of what’s become known as the Republican Stink Tank.
Republican Stink Tank leader, Kevin McCarthy. Caricature by DonkeyHotey, flickr.com. KEVIN MCCARTHY
Let me make it perfectly clear. President Trump did bear some responsibility for the January 6 assault on our Capitol, but it was Nancy Pelosi who is to blame. She knew there was trouble brewing before the demonstration and did nothing.
JERRY
And what planet did you say you were born? You’re an idiot on top of a liar.
GEORGE SANTOS
Always tell the truth, Kevin. My manager told me that when I played center field for the New York Yankees.
JERRY
Congressman Santos. I understand you were at the Trump rally in DC on January 6, 2021.
SANTOS
No. I was in the NFL playoffs. I was tight end for the New York Giants.
JERRY
You just said that you played for the New York Yankees.
SANTOS
I thought I did. Wait…it was the Mets. Sorry.
JERRY
Do you know the difference between a bucket of shit and you?
SANTOS
No.
JERRY
The bucket.
MCCARTHY
Hold on, Santos. What’s with the Yankees, Mets, and Giants? You told me you were a drag queen at a club in Brazil.
SANTOS
I was. My stage name was Jenna Talia.
JERRY
Speaker McCarthy. Why are you defending this moron just to get votes passed?
MCCARTHY
His fate should be decided by the voters.
JERRY
76% of voters in Santos’s district want him to resign including a majority of Republicans.
JERRY
Let me ask you something. Do you believe Joe Biden is the legitimate President of the United States? Yes or no.
MCCARTHY
Eeny, meeny miney, moe. I don’t think the President is Joe.
JERRY
Get real. Biden won in an electoral landslide. He had 7 million more votes than Trump. Ballots were counted and recounted in all the swing states. The Trumpster came up empty like your head.
MCCARTHY
I base my conclusion on one thing, Duncan. Power.
JERRY
You should be humble like Mary Todd Lincoln after her husband Abe was assassinated.
MCCARTHY
Right. She ended up in a mental institution.
JERRY
Of course she did. Mary was a Republican.
MCCARTHY
We may need to replace George Santos with someone like Kanye West. A rising star in my Party. Kanye has a brilliant economic plan should he choose to run for Congress.
JERRY
What kind of plan?
MCCARTHY
He’s going to put 50 Cent into the treasury.
JERRY
Kevin McCarthy and George Santos everyone. See you tomorrow.
The Jerry Duncan Show
(c) Dean B. Kaner
Dean B. Kaner is a playwright and screenwriter, having co-produced and co-written plays for the stage with performances in New York City, Chicago, Minneapolis, Los Angeles, Boston, Detroit, Phoenix and Memphis. Check out The Jerry Duncan Show on YouTube, as well as on Instagram, and the sketch comedy A Bit of Biden (on Instagram) and at @abitofbiden on TikTok.Latest posts by Dean Kaner (see all)Dean Kaner
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How’s the Taste? – People Of Walmart
The post How’s the Taste? appeared first on People Of Walmart.
alexandtim
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How’s the Taste? – People Of Walmart
The post How’s the Taste? appeared first on People Of Walmart.
Luke Wherry
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The First And Last Time My Mother-In-Law Babysat
“My son in 1993. My mother-in-law was babysitting and found the doll and thought it would make him laugh. My mother-in-law did not babysit after that.”
(submitted by IG @gut.mary)
The post The Babysitter’s Flub appeared first on AwkwardFamilyPhotos.com.
Team Awkward
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Sometimes, Two Is The Loneliest Number
“When it dawns on you that you aren’t the only child anymore.”
(submitted by IG @kortney_alexis_k)
The post Two Is The Loneliest Number appeared first on AwkwardFamilyPhotos.com.
Team Awkward
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Kansas City Chiefs Win Super Bowl LVII
The Kansas City Chiefs captured their second championship in four seasons after Harrison Butker kicked the game-winning field goal of Super Bowl LVII to secure a 38-35 win over the Philadelphia Eagles.What do you think?
“There’s nothing sweeter than watching the heir to an oil fortune hoist a trophy his employees won.”
Milton Edwards, Target Positioner
“My heart breaks thinking about all those cars that will go unflipped in Philadelphia today.”
Ken Agoh, Phlegmologist
“But the true winners of last night’s Super Bowl were the Kansas City Chiefs.”
Tracy Binger, Wealth Hoarder
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r/funny – The man is a problem solver 😂
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New Dictionary Word Additions That Have Come About Since the Advent Of Trump
According to the people at Weckster and Merrymen Dictionary Inc. the name and term ‘Trump’ have taken on more meanings, definitions and nuances in the American vernacular in the past eight years than any other word in English. It stands amazingly as one of the most used, most hated, most loved and most vile words we have.
The original meaning of the word trump was “to override an opponent’s played hand in cards by using a special card that has the unique talent to give it executive privileges to dis-empower the previously played hand”. Or to “be an all powerful playing card that has unique rights to special powers that other cards do not have”. Or, in common speech, the card is a ‘Joker’.
In cases of the use of the word ‘Trump’ in card games the same would also apply to the man Trump himself in using the terms ‘card’ and ‘Joker’.
Other new definitions of the word and name ‘Trump’ that have developed recently are:
- A vulgar, rude person.
- An individual who will not accept anyone else’s rules.
- A person who makes up his own ways of doing things showing total disregard concerning set or previous methods of doing things.
- A person of executive privilege who feels he is above the law and pulls all sorts of dubious deeds because of it.
- An individual in a position of alleged leadership in a free country who none-the-less idolizes the dictators and tyrants of other, non-free countries. (synonym- Quisling).
- An individual who rises to a high power in a country with scant knowledge of its history, ignorance of its true ideals, disdain and manipulation towards its people and a desire to profit from his administration.
- An individual in a position of power within a government and nation whose only real patriotic allegiance is to the money and the power of that nation.
- An individual who is an expert at manipulating the minds and motions of an audience and of his followers.
- An individual who is so superficial and lacking of any inner spiritual qualities that he relies on external props to prove his worth and his status; ie. he has a trophy wife, he relies on mansions, expensive possessions, superficial titles and phony statuses to prop up his ego and his vanity.
As time evolves the term ‘Trump’ could evoke new and very different meanings.
Some that have been speculated include:
- A rich jailbird.
- A highly disgraced former leading government official.
- An individual who helped lower his country to a second world international status.
- A government official who sabotages his own country for his own gain. (synonyms- Quisling, rat, Benedict Arnold, Richard Nixon)
- An individual proficient at the art of lying to advance his causes.
- The historic individual who advanced the disintegration of his own country through political strife and modern civil war.
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Injectables are Fun
Today, Morpheus sends us a SQL injection vulnerability. But it's a peculiar version that only uses parameters. Let's start with the bit that looks normal:
strStrBuilder.Append(" update sometable set ") strStrBuilder.Append(" SOMECOLUMN = :p_somevalue, ") strStrBuilder.Append(" rowuserid = :p_userid, ") strStrBuilder.Append(" rowtaskid = :p_taskid ") strStrBuilder.Append(" where id = :p_id") strSQL = strStrBuilder.ToStringThis is VB.Net code, and while I'm never a huge fan of building SQL queries by appending strings together, this is fine. It's the rest of the context that makes it horrible:
Public Function SomeMethod(ByVal int1 As Integer, ByVal int2 As Integer, Optional ByVal strSQL As String = "") As Boolean Dim intRecordsAffected As Integer = 0 Dim bResult As Boolean = False Dim strStrBuilder As New StringBuilder() If bUseLocalConnect Then m_cnn.Open() m_tx = m_cnn.BeginTransaction() End If If strSQL.Equals(String.Empty) Then strStrBuilder.Append(" update sometable set ") strStrBuilder.Append(" SOMECOLUMN = :p_somevalue, ") strStrBuilder.Append(" rowuserid = :p_userid, ") strStrBuilder.Append(" rowtaskid = :p_taskid ") strStrBuilder.Append(" where id = :p_id") strSQL = strStrBuilder.ToString End If Dim cmd As New SqlClient.SqlCommand(strSQL, m_cnn) cmd.Transaction = m_tx ' Snip: use the command Return True End FunctionThis method accepts an optional
strSQLparameter. If that parameter is supplied… we just execute that query. Whatever it is. Hopefully it came from somewhere without any user inputs, but who knows? I don't! It's no big deal, just a method that runs arbitrary SQL against the database with no protections or validations.I know why these kinds of methods get built: someone wanted a backdoor, not for any nefarious purpose, but just because sometimes doing things the "right" way takes too long, or requires too many other people. Sometimes, you just want to say, "Oh, I know what's wrong, and I can fix it with this little query." It's a seductive whisper, but always a bad idea.
Morpheus writes: "Lucky for us it isn't actually called anywhere within the application."
It isn't called anywhere within the application right now. But I bet it has been, and I bet the developer responsible wants to use it again.
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Continuously monitor your servers for configuration changes, and report when there's configuration drift. Get started with Otter today!Remy Porter
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Eric “Goofy” Trump Says His Daddy Is Now Eating 10 Big Macs a Day
MANHATTAN – (Satire News) – Eric “Goofy” Trump recently told Fox News host Sean “Fred Flintstone” Hannity that his daddy has become so stressed out at the thought that his old ass is going to end up in prison, that his addiction to Big Mac burgers has gone from 9 a day up to 10 a day.
Eric told Sean that his father’s weight has ballooned up to 367 pounds, which makes him one of the fattest tubs of lard in the Plywood State (Florida).
Trump’s future daughter-in-law, who is Don “Dopey” Trump Jr., fiancee (Kimberly Guilfoyle) says that the old former golfer-in-chief, now has three chins, a fat-as-shit tongue, and a belly that makes him look like he’s 14 months pregnant. ■
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Accuracy 100 – People Of Walmart
The post Accuracy 100 appeared first on People Of Walmart.
Luke Wherry
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