Category: Humor

Have you ever stumbled upon a funny or nonsensical raccoon memes and found yourself laughing uncontrollably? Well, you’re not alone! There’s even a whole Instagram account dedicated to trash pandas. So let’s all raise a trash can lid to the greatness of raccoon memes!

Beer! – Beer is high in calories and can lead to weight gain if consumed excessively. It is also high in carbohydrates, which can be converted into belly fat if the body does not use them for energy.

Additionally, beer can disrupt hormonal balance and increase insulin resistance, contributing to the accumulation of belly fat. To avoid gaining belly fat from beer, it’s recommended to limit your consumption and choose lighter options, as well as incorporate regular physical activity and a balanced diet.

However, there could be a variety of other reasons why you have belly fat. Some common causes include:

1. Poor diet: Eating a diet high in processed foods, sugar, and unhealthy fats can lead to weight gain and belly fat.
2. Lack of physical activity: Leading a sedentary lifestyle and not engaging in regular exercise can contribute to belly fat.
3. Sex: Sex is a great way to reduce belly fat. Sadly, the majority of people with high belly fat have the least sex.
4. Stress: Chronic stress can increase levels of the hormone cortisol, which can cause belly fat storage.
5. Genetics: Some people may be genetically predisposed to carrying excess weight, including belly fat.
6. Fishing: Regular fishing is proven to reduce belly fat.
7. Hormonal imbalances: Hormonal imbalances such as insulin resistance and low testosterone levels can contribute to belly fat.
8. Age: As people age, their metabolism slows down, making it more difficult to lose weight and leading to an increase in belly fat.
9. Sleep deprivation: Not getting enough quality sleep can also contribute to weight gain and belly fat.
10. Blindfolds: Distributing blindfolds to those in your presence will remove signs of your belly fat 100%!

It’s important to remember that there is no one-size-fits-all answer to why someone has belly fat, and it’s possible to have a combination of factors contributing to it. A healthcare professional can help you identify any underlying health conditions and develop a personalized plan to address your specific needs. In your case – not eating too much.

No, masturbating will not make you blind!

Masturbation is a normal and healthy sexual activity that many people engage in. It is a natural way of exploring one’s own body and sexual desires, and it has several physical and mental health benefits. However, despite what some people may believe, it is not possible to go blind from masturbation.

The myth that masturbation causes blindness has been around for centuries and is often based on religious or moral objections to sexual activity. In reality, there is no scientific evidence to support this claim. On the contrary, research has shown that sexual activity, including masturbation, can improve circulation, boost the immune system, and reduce stress and anxiety.

Additionally, the act of masturbation itself does not put any stress on the eyes or cause any damage to the optic nerve. While it is true that some people may experience temporary eye strain or blurred vision during intense sexual arousal, this is not related to any permanent damage to the eyes. In fact, the eyes are not even directly involved in the act of masturbation, so there is no way for it to cause blindness.

How often should you masturbate?

There is no set frequency for how often you can masturbate, as it is a personal matter and can vary greatly from person to person. Some people may masturbate daily, while others may not engage in the activity at all. It is important to listen to your own body and understand what feels comfortable and fulfilling for you.

It is also important to keep in mind that excessive or compulsive masturbation can lead to physical or psychological problems and may be a sign of a deeper issue that needs to be addressed. If you find that your masturbation habits are affecting your daily life, relationships, or mental health, it may be helpful to speak with a doctor or mental health professional for further guidance.

In general, it is recommended to practice moderation in all things, including sexual activities, and to prioritize your own physical and emotional well-being.

In conclusion, there is no truth to the myth that masturbation causes blindness. Masturbation is a natural and healthy sexual activity that has many benefits, and there is no reason to be concerned about going blind from it. If you have any concerns or questions about your sexual health, it is always best to consult with a doctor or healthcare provider.

The Florida governor says good teaching spares fragile student feelings, and that learning about the past adds unnecessary stress.

The teaching of all U.S. history in Florida’s public schools will be eliminated under a plan introduced by that state’s governor, Ron DeSantis.

The governor said teaching U.S. colonial history from its 17th century beginnings was always just a plot by “Communist” teachers unions to make them more powerful at the expense of innocent schoolchildren.

DeSantis, considered a leading potential Republican presidential candidate for 2024, said learning about American history makes students uncomfortable and provokes guilty feelings.

“Nobody needs to know about so-called slavery or racism or how American Indians and women were allegedly exploited when it’s all just hearsay,” DeSantis said. “The woke liberals and communists want to make us feel bad about our forefathers when the truth is we are the greatest country in the world, always have been, and always will be.”

“What’s past is past and why should we dredge up anything bad that’s happened before in America?” added DeSantis. “We should focus on the glorious present time and wonderful future that lies ahead for our great students in Florida classrooms.”

DeSantis denounced the move to give Columbus Day a new name — Indigenous Peoples’ Day — as another example of how “Democrats and other traitors have distorted and betrayed American history” and why it’s destructive to let students feel ashamed about anything that happened before they were born.

“Today’s students had nothing to do with any of it,” he said. “So why should they be made to feel it’s all their fault?”

DeSantis has rejected plans for a new Advanced Placement African American studies course in Florida. The governor also called lessons on what is termed “queer theory” and “intersectionality” an “indoctrination and a left-wing political agenda” imposed on students.

DeSantis is already backing a bill in the Florida legislature that would help keep what’s termed Critical Race Theory (CRT) out of schools and the workplace. He called CRT “state-sanctioned racism” that creates a “hostile work environment.”

Proponents say CRT seeks to address inequality and racism. But DeSantis has attacked it as a Marxist ideology that’s a threat to the American way of life.

Asked whether she felt sad she wouldn’t be able anymore to study the U.S. past under the DeSantis plan, Florida 7th grader Taylor Swaft of Miami replied, “You kidding me? Who needs American history? Who cares about Abraham Lincoln or George Washington? They’re just dead old geezers. Not my problem. History’s one less thing I’ll have to do for homework. Now I’ll have more time to play my video games.”

Asked how he likes learning U.S. history, Florida 9th grader, Tom Sellnick of Jacksonville, replied, “BOR-ING! I’ve always hated history. Studying about the Civil War? Give me a break. I got better things to do.”

“Ditto,” added high school senior Elon Mask from Tampa, who described himself as aspiring to get a job in computers. Learning about “dudes” named Franklin D. Roosevelt or Martin Luther King is irrelevant to his plans in life, Mask said.

Not one to let anything make DeSantis or anybody else look good, former President Donald Trump called the governor a “phony” and “hypocrite” who in the past acted inappropriately with his female students when DeSantis worked as a high school teacher more than 20 years ago.

“The guy’s a pervert, everyone knows it, okay?” said Trump. “He should be in jail.”

The ex-president’s comments came after his endorsement in 2018 helped a then-underdog DeSantis win the Florida governorship. Trump now calls his one-time ally “disloyal.”

Trump, who earlier announced his candidacy for President, said DeSantis claims to be a gun rights supporter. But in truth, Trump cited news media reports that DeSantis prohibited his supporters from carrying in guns at his campaign events when he won re-election as governor last November.

“My brilliant nickname for him is DeSanctimonious,” said Trump, offering his famous satisfied smirk. “He’s an out-and-out loser, okay? How dare him even think he could beat me in an election for president.”

Several polls show DeSantis ahead of Trump in a head-to-head race for president. A recent survey in New Hampshire, which is scheduled to hold the first Republican primary, showed DeSantis with a double-digit lead over Trump, newly announced candidate Nikki Haley, and others.

“Who believes those stupid polls?” indignantly asked Trump. “Those were the same polls that showed I couldn’t be elected President in 2016. Don’t pay any attention to them, okay? I’m a winner. DeSanctimonious is a jerk, okay?”

Trump also said DeSantis closed Florida’s public schools during the Covid-19 pandemic that was terrible for a schoolchildren’s future in life. That’s despite what DeSantis now falsely claims he was one of the first U.S. governors to open up the schools, charged Trump.

“Don’t believe anything that creep says,” Trump maintained. Trump was the one, the ex-president said, who had the “genius idea” to have people inject disinfectant into the lungs and also to take the anti-malaria drug hydroxychloroquine to prevent Covid 19. “Did anyone listen to me?” asked Trump. “I could have ended Covid-19 once and for all.”

Doctors called Trump’s proposed remedies preposterous and dangerous to someone’s health and “anti-science.”

Asked by reporters his reaction to Trump’s comments about him, DeSantis turned to one of his aides and said, “Don’t I have to be somewhere?” And with that, he exited stage right.

Eric Green has Donald Trump to thank for a number of his satirical articles. As long as The Donald is around, Eric will continue to have new material to write about him. Eric finds writing satire a welcome escape from the realities of life. When he’s not trying to be satirical, Eric has been a former newspaper reporter, ex-press aide to a U.S. Senator on Capitol Hill, and ex-writer in the federal government. He’s also the author of three mostly humorous books, the one he’s most proud of is called Temporary Insanity, Costa Rica, My Way. For fun, he practices playing Beatles songs on the piano.You can find more about him on LinkedIn.

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As the title suggests, I didn’t eat for three whole days and I’m here to tell you about the crazy journey that was my life during that time.

Day 1: I woke up feeling super motivated to start my fast. I was convinced that this was going to be the start of a new and healthier me. But as soon as lunchtime rolled around, my stomach started to growl, and I suddenly remembered why I had never tried this before. I lasted the entire day without giving in, but I was starting to get a little bit worried about how I was going to make it through the next two days.

Day 2: I was seriously starting to regret my decision by now. Every time I saw food, I felt like I was going to faint. But I was determined to stick it out. I had already made it this far, after all. But then, disaster struck. I walked past Gregg’s, and the smell was too much for me to handle. I blacked out and woke up with a sausage roll in my hand. I was so disappointed in myself that I didn’t even enjoy the roll.

Day 3: I was on the brink of starvation by this point. I was dizzy, weak, and could barely keep my eyes open. But then, something miraculous happened. I was in the city centre and just happened to walk past Mcdonald’s, and before I knew it, I had devoured three cheeseburgers! I couldn’t believe that I had finally given in, but I was so happy that I did.

This had been a valuable lesson, I learned that sometimes you just need to listen to your body and give it what it needs. And in my case, what it needed was three delicious cheeseburgers. So, if you’re ever considering going on a diet, just remember my story.

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Phoenix – Former News Anchor Kari Lake has announced that, in addition to being elected Governor of Arizona last November, she was also elected the Queen of England.

The First Lady of Maga-land filed suit in London demanding that King Charles abdicate immediately.

“I won the crown by at least 400,000 votes, everyone knows it” said Lake at a news conference at a local pub. “Who the hell is this Charles guy?”.

Lake also brandished a sledgehammer and threatened to smash every voting machine in Great Britain.

“How can she be the Queen of England when everyone knows I’m the Queen,” said newly elected American Congressman George Santos.

May 25th 2021, JUST before LOSING office- Trump “FULLY PARDONED” Steve Bannon for money laundering, fraud and conspiracy.

Presiding over this latest trial of Bannon – Federal Judge Carl J. Nichols.

“Cartwheeling” Carl should recuse himself from his legal gymnastics’ charade.

Carl Nichols got APPOINTED by Trump in 2019…(some stretch).

White House Chief st(RAT)egist Bannon’s latest “beast friend” accomplice- Judge Nichols.

Bannon got convicted- “CONTEMPT of CONGRESS”, yet Pathetically, Kid Gloves Nichols decided 4 months jail and $6,500.00 fine is appropriate for an “unrepentant” TRAITOR hording 20 million in grifted loot.

TERRIBLE; Bannon broadcast “ALL HELL’S GOING TO BREAK LOSE” Jan 05 2021- HIS planning, HIS COUP, HIS war room.

WORSE; Judge Nichols “doling out” the smallest possible sentence and micro fine- Nichols added insult to injury saying “he expects his own sentence to be overturned by appeal”???.

Nichol’s lip sticks any insurrectionist cheek.

Essentially…Bannon drop soiled underpants in Federal Court- and Nichols “wet kissed” Bannon’s white FASCIST BUTT.

CONVICT Bannon cries “victim” while Black guys in Mississippi get “hard time” for stealing a carton of cigarettes.

Bannon isn’t even incarcerated; HE awaits appeal on a Chinese yacht.

Perhaps “door stop” Nichols could balance an ass tray on his head while lighting Bannon’s cigar.

This choreographed CRAP is scripted by THE FEDERALIST SOCIETY (Nichols is a member).

“ASS KISSING Rubber stamp Nichols” clerked for the most corrupt Supreme Court Justice in history- Clarence Thomas, (not surprisingly) Gini’s husband Clarence is another well-heeled Federalist GOLD CLUB MEMBER.

Is this a pattern?

John likes to write about all kinds of things. So he does. You’re reading one now – enjoy!

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Signed: Glenn Jones

One of those things that should never have existed but still does is the comb over hairstyle. This haircut is all about covering up bald areas, but instead of succeeding, it only gives people the appearance that they are wearing a dead animal on their head. It appears as though someone played “connect the dots” with a few hair strands all over their scalp. The ultimate result is a hairstyle that is simultaneously sad and funny. It’s difficult to avoid doing a double take whenever someone goes by with a comb over and wondering if their hair has a will of its own. But hey, at least it serves as a helpful reminder to accept being bald and let your head shine like a diamond.

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