Category: Humor

Humor | ReportWire publishes the latest breaking U.S. and world news, trending topics and developing stories from around globe.

Saving Face: 10 Easy Suggestions! – Marilyn Sands, Humor Times

Fights break out in Congress as Jim Jordan tries saving face by ordering a Half-Nelson/Half Baloney on a cute bun!

TOP 10 EASY SUGGESTIONS for SAVING FACE:

10. YOU CAN’T! Your past proceeds you!

9. WRESTLE YOUR WIFE FOR THE ARSENIC!

8. ADMIT THAT PINOCCHIO IS YOUR FAVORITE DWARF!

7. SUCK IT UP & JUST TAKE THAT MEN’S ROOM ATTENDANT’S GIG!

6. ENLIST IN THE ISRAELI ARMY!

5. REWIND JAN 6TH CAPITOL RIOT VIDEO & THIS TIME WATCH IT WITHOUT POPCORN!

4. KISS TRUMP’S RING ONE MORE TIME & WHILE YOU’RE DOWN – CHECK THE OIL!

3. WRITE YOUR OWN FRIGGIN’ TOP 10 LIST!

I am not running out of ideas! haha

2. ASK GIULIANI FOR BEST WHISKEY RECOMMENDATIONS!

Well, maybe I am!

AND the #1 ‘Save Face’ Suggestion:

ADMIT YOUR REAL PENIS SIZE!

Marilyn Sands is a former 80’s Stand-Up Comic & Comic Booker. Sold Jokes to Joan Rivers & lesser lights. Was up one night & wrote 2 Madcap Screenplays & a Stage Play. Her hilarious book “CAN YOU PEE OUTDOORS” On-Line Dating Straight Lines is on amazon.com/dp/1733487409And, “OWNING THE STAGE, RENTING THE BALLS”!My Life as a Funny Girlis on amazon.com/dp/1733487417″Living proofyou don’t have to be a success to write a Memoir”!And yes, this bio is my OBIT too!haha

Latest posts by Marilyn Sands (see all)

Marilyn Sands

Source link

October 20, 2023
bog fun for bog boys

submitted by /u/hidlechara91
[comments]

/u/hidlechara91

Source link

October 20, 2023
Marvel Fans React To Martin Scorsese’s ‘Killers Of The Flower Moon’

In a controversial opinion piece penned for The New York Times, acclaimed film director Martin Scorcese argued that Marvel movies cannot be classified as cinema. The Onion asked fans of the action movie franchise what they thought of Scorcese’s latest film, Killers Of The Flower Moon, and this is what they said.

Source link

October 20, 2023
Our Rental House Had Interesting Wall Art

“My husband on the couch of a house we rented in St John.”

(submitted by Brigette)

The post The Not-So-Little Mermaid appeared first on AwkwardFamilyPhotos.com.

Team Awkward

Source link

October 20, 2023
Mom Wasn’t Paying Attention To What I Was Drinking

“Me and my bottle of windex when I was two. Ahh the 80s.”

(submitted by IG @libs2330)

The post Windex Marks The Spot appeared first on AwkwardFamilyPhotos.com.

Jim Rowley

Source link

October 20, 2023
Man Convicted Over Antisemitic Message Projected On Anne Frank House

A Polish-Canadian man has been convicted for projecting “Ann [sic] Frank invented the ballpoint pen” onto the Anne Frank House museum, the message alluding to an antisemitic conspiracy theory that the famed diary was a forgery. What do you think?

“Thank god she wasn’t home to see that.”

Greg Paduri, City Tosher

This Week’s Most Viral News: October 20, 2023

“Finally, someone with the balls to take down Anne Frank.”

Xavier Santerre, Unemployed

“Maybe he got the wrong house.”

Shelby Collins, Aspiring Conservationist

Source link

October 20, 2023
Jonas Brothers Reveal They Sometimes Try To Secretly Trade Places Like Identical Twins Except Everyone Notices

LOS ANGELES—Explaining that their close bond as siblings had led them to occasionally experiment and play pranks, the Jonas brothers revealed to reporters Friday that they sometimes try to secretly trade places like identical twins, except everyone notices. “Sometimes I’ll show up to a gathering with friends and family and pretend that I’m Kevin to see if anyone can tell the difference, and they always see through it immediately and beg us to stop,” said Nick Jonas, adding that almost everyone in their lives found the brothers’ practice irritating but that they can’t bring themselves to stop trying in case someday it works. “We don’t do anything to change our appearance because we’re brothers, which is kind of like twins, in that some brothers are twins, except not all brothers are twins, but in any event, we’re hurting all of our loved ones by continuing to perpetuate these antics. Honestly, we’re pretty sure that Joe’s marriage failed because I kept showing up to dinner with Sophie [Turner] and their kids, trying to romance her and demanding that their confused children call me Dad, and his whole family obviously found it awful to deal with. Still, though, we had fun, because at the same time, Joe was pretending to be Kevin and causing a fight with our parents, who have always discouraged us from pretending to be each other, while Frankie was pretending to be me and really pissing off my agent at a meeting. Someday it will work, though, so we have to keep trying.” At press time, Nick Jonas attempted to conclude the interview by telling reporters that he was actually Kevin Jonas, which caused them to sigh in disgust.

Lies Men Will Tell To Get You To Sleep With Them

Source link

October 20, 2023
This Week’s Most Viral News: October 20, 2023

Read more…

Source link

October 20, 2023
Fictional villains we’d abandon our moral compass for (20 GIFs)

Zach Nading

Source link

October 20, 2023
26,663 Days above ground

Tags: humor, wtf, awesome, satisfying, interesting

11147 points, 685 comments.

Source link

October 20, 2023
WW2 homecoming

15th October 1945, Gunner Hector Murdoch arrived home in Tulse Hill, London, greeted by his wife Rosina and son John. He had been away for four and a half years, three and a half of which he was a POW. Rosina had no idea if he was alive or dead. He got home on his birthday.

Source link

October 20, 2023
Self Driving Level NaN

This week, Harry Altman teaches us how to make sure that
autoautomobiles don't crash into your house. It's not
immediately obvious, and the answer to the puzzle
borders on philosophical.

But first, an anonymous reader wrote
"I found this in a practice exam for an Azure Certification, !(Azure Service Bus) story."
I believe him.

Lorem ipsumwise,
Jan
concluded
"I guess this is what you don't call breaking but already broken news?"

Still job hunting,
Michael R.
shares
"Came across

this application form.
" They're just making sure he has his story straight.

For our penultimate post this week,
befuddled Mike S.
puzzled
"Uh, so what does this mean? If it's Yes,
is California not supposed to share my info?
Or No, California is not supposed to share my info?
Should there be a Maybe Yes, but I'm Not Sure position?"
Maybe the "Read More" would explain?

Finally, as promised,
Harry Altman
inveighs "The treachery of CAPTCHAS!"
"Unfortunately, the answer it was expecting wasn't NONE OF THEM," says he.
What say you? Is that a bicycle, or is it merely a representation of a bicycle?
I would agree that it is merely a representation of a bicycle, but all the same,
aren't all such captchas merely representations? On the gripping hand, if I say there's no
bicycle here, will some Tesla blithely plow into that building? Because heck, it's just a
mural, not a vehicle.

[Advertisement]
ProGet’s got you covered with security and access controls on your NuGet feeds. Learn more.

Lyle Seaman

Source link

October 19, 2023
Things About Your Body You THOUGHT Were Normal (20 Gifs)

xx2983xx

I have a double uvula. That little hangy thing in the back of your throat… Mine looks like a ballsack. I thought that’s just what they looked like cuz like, how often do you look in people’s throats?

I remember seeing cartoons as a kid where they’d zoom in on a character’s mouth when they are screaming or something… And I just thought the artists were lazy, drawing a simple droopy line. But no, that’s what most people’s look like.

When I was in my 20s I went to the doctor for something unrelated and she checked my throat and just said “huh you have a double uvula. Neat!” I went home and told my roommates and they all had to look in my mouth.

I thought they would think the doctor was the weirdo but they were all shocked… I’ll never forget one saying “you’ve got balls in your throat!”

Jackson

Source link

October 19, 2023
Keep the tradition going

Tags: Tetten, Stop war news, Penguin

6709 points, 422 comments.

Source link

October 19, 2023
Amazon River Records Lowest Water Level In Over A Century

The water level at a major river port in Brazil’s Amazon rainforest has hit its lowest point in at least 121 years, as a historic drought upends the lives of hundreds of thousands of people and damages the jungle ecosystem. What do you think?

“I’m glad I bought that CD of relaxing Amazon river sounds when I did.”

Debra Martin, Escalator Operator

Worst Ways Amazon Exploits Workers During Cyber Monday

“‘Amazon Valley’ has a nice ring to it.”

Kirk Andrada, Satchel Designer

“If we keep using the term historic to describe all these disasters then the word will lose all meaning.”

Bailey Clark, Systems Analyst

Source link

October 19, 2023
We Got More Than We Bargained For During Our Photoshoot

“We got more than we bargained for during our family photo shoot. If I ever wrote a book about motherhood this would definitely be the cover! Reality at its finest. At least she waited until the end of the shoot!”

(submitted by Gina)

The post Spit Take appeared first on AwkwardFamilyPhotos.com.

Team Awkward

Source link

October 19, 2023
I Ruined My Outfit, But My Parents Still Wanted A Photo With Santa

“My Christmas photo from when I was a kid and peed myself at my grandpa’s office Christmas party. Can you blame me with that scary smurf just standing there?”

(submitted by IG @athermosforyou)

The post Wet Christmas appeared first on AwkwardFamilyPhotos.com.

Team Awkward

Source link

October 19, 2023
When Our Family Had Matching Haircuts

“Mom was definitely an influencer in how we cut our hair.”

(submitted by Karen)

The post The Mom Cut appeared first on AwkwardFamilyPhotos.com.

Team Awkward

Source link

October 19, 2023
Mike Luckovich for Oct 19, 2023 – Mike Luckovich, Humor Times

Mike Luckovich of the Atlanta Constitution received two amazing honors in 2006, winning both a Pulitzer Prize and the Reuben award for Outstanding Cartoonist of the Year. This was the second Pulitzer for Luckovich; his first was awarded in 1995. He had previously received the Reuben award for Editorial Cartooning in 2001, but this was his first time to be named the overall outstanding cartoonist by a group of his peers. The Reuben awards are distributed each year by the National Cartoonists Society and are considered professional cartooning’s highest honor.

Impressive as these achievements are, they are only the latest in a long line of awards for Luckovich. He was a runner-up for the Pulitzer in 1987 before garnering the 1995 win. In 1989, he won the Overseas Press Club’s award for the “Best Cartoons on Foreign Affairs for 1989,” and in 1991, he was awarded the National Headliners award for editorial cartoonists. In 1994, a Luckovich cartoon was selected by voters in a Newsweek magazine poll as one of the four best editorial cartoons of the year.

After freelancing and selling life insurance to make ends meet following his graduation from the University of Washington in 1982, Luckovich landed his first cartooning job at the Greenville News in South Carolina. After nine months at the News, Luckovich was hired by The Times-Picayune in New Orleans, where he stayed for four years before moving on to Atlanta.

Luckovich’s cartoons, syndicated nationally by Creators Syndicate, appear in more than 350 daily publications, including The Washington Post,The San Diego Union-Tribune, The Denver Post, Newsday, New York Post, The Cleveland Plain-Dealer, The Dallas Morning News, the Boston Globe, the Seattle Times, the Los Angeles Times, the Chicago Tribune, the Nashville Tennessean and the Houston Chronicle, and are reprinted regularly in Time, Newsweek and the New York Times.

Luckovich and his wife, Margo, have four children. His hobbies include exercising and collecting unique ties.

Mike Luckovich

Source link

October 19, 2023
Funny Yearbook Quotes That Will Make You Laugh

These students brilliantly nailed their funny yearbook quotes, forever to remain heroes of their class for their ability to make everyone laugh with just few sentences. Scroll down to check them out and let us know in the comments below what yearbook quote you used!

liver

Source link

October 19, 2023