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  • Does the Bible Mention Interracial Dating/Marriage?

    Does the Bible Mention Interracial Dating/Marriage?

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    During the Old Testament, God didn’t want the Israelites to marry those outside of Israel. He did this not because of ethnicity but because those outside of Israel were worshiping false gods. The Lord didn’t want Israel to become married to those who would lead them away from Him. Thus, God did not want Israel to date or marry those outside Israel because they could tempt Israel to sin and follow false gods.

    Dating and Marriage

    Most of the time, when people talk about interracial dating and marriage, they are referring to ethnicity. The truth is that there is only one race—the human race, and we all come from the same Creator. Ethnicities are but skin pigments. Our skin pigment comes from melanin. Just because we have different skin pigments doesn’t mean we are any different from each other. We all are the same on the inside—we all have a heart and a mind. None of us are much different from each other because we all have a deep longing inside to be loved and to be known. 

    The Bible tells us we are all equal. We are all made in the image of God, whether we have red, yellow, black, or white skin (Genesis 1:27). We are also told by Paul, “There is neither Jew nor Gentile, neither slave nor free, nor is there male and female, for you are all one in Christ Jesus” (Galatians 3:38). As Paul tells us, we are all equal and one in Christ. Nobody is better than anyone else, as we are all equal. Pride is a common sin for individuals to struggle with, yet this is what causes individuals to become racist toward others.

    Racism 

    Racism is a sin. The belief that those of different skin colors shouldn’t marry each other is a form of racism. God never says that people of different skin colors cannot marry each other. If they are both believers in the Lord and love each other, there is no reason they cannot get married. The only marriages God condemns are same-sex marriage and marriage between a believer and an unbeliever. These are the only two types of marriages that go against God’s design for marriage. An interracial marriage doesn’t taint God’s design for marriage.

    Those who believe interracial dating or marriage is unbiblical are misinformed. There is nothing in the Bible that speaks against dating or marrying someone of a different skin color than yourself. God created all people, and He loves all people. He does not play favorites, as He loves every single person equally. There is not a supreme ethnicity, as all people are equal at the cross of Christ. If someone thinks something is wrong with interracial dating/marriage, they must turn to the Lord and meditate on what the Bible says. There is absolutely nothing wrong with interracial dating/marriage. 

    Many people try to condemn interracial dating/marriage based on the Bible, but this is wrong. As we have established, God only condemns the Israelites for marrying those outside Israel because of their foreign gods. The Lord didn’t have anything against their skin color because He made them. Rather, the Lord didn’t want His people to marry those who would lead them after false gods. As shown in the life of King Solomon, his many foreign wives led him after foreign gods and caused him to disobey God. In the same way, God didn’t want the people of Israel to marry outside of Israel to protect their faith in Him. 

    Marrying someone of a different color doesn’t mean a person is sinning. In fact, it is a beautiful thing for two believers to get married. Marriage is a sacred covenant before the Lord. When two believers get married, they are a representation of Christ and the Church. As Christ cares for the Church, the husband needs to care for his wife. In the same way, the woman must love and respect her husband just as the Church loves and respects Christ. Marriage was created to show the relationship between Christ and the Church. It doesn’t matter what color two believers are, but rather what matters is that one man and one woman have come together because they both love God and each other. 

    History of Interracial Dating

    During segregation, interracial dating/marriage was frowned upon, yet this was due to people’s sins. They falsely used the Bible out of context and condemned those who loved people of different skin tones. Nobody should be told they can’t love somebody else because of their skin color. Sadly, many Caucasians believe they are the supreme ethnicity, but they are not. Throughout history, Catholic churches have portrayed Jesus as being Caucasian, and this belief is still depicted throughout time. Jesus would have been ethnically Jewish, which meant He would have had darker skin, dark hair, and dark eyes. 

    This is radically different from the white skin, light hair, and blue eyes Jesus often is depicted as having. We can see racism shown in this matter, which deeply affects people to this day. Due to this false belief, many people have believed that white people should only marry white people or that African-Americans should only marry African-Americans. This is not true at all because God loves all people, and He does not draw a barrier line that a believer of a certain skin color cannot date or marry a believer who is of a different skin color. 

    Instead of condemning those who love someone of a different skin color, we should support, encourage, and love them. If they are both believers, they love each other, and they love God, then there is nothing wrong. As established, the only marriage unions rejected by God are marriages between same-sex couples and marriages between a believer and an unbeliever. God established marriage to be between one believing man and one believing woman. The Bible tells us, “That is why a man leaves his father and mother and is united to his wife, and they become one flesh” (Genesis 2:24). 

    Anything that goes against this design, as stated in Genesis 2:24, goes against God’s perfect design for marriage. As we know, God loves all people of all skin tones because He created us, and we are all made in His image (Genesis 1:27). It doesn’t matter if a white woman wants to marry an African-American man or if a white man wants to marry an African-American woman—the same goes for Asians, Latinos, and believers of other ethnicities. If they are both followers of Christ, there is nothing wrong, and the interracial relationship is in accordance with God’s design. 

    Self-reflection

    If you are a believer and considering dating or marrying another believer of a different skin color, then know it is perfectly okay to date or marry this individual. In the same way, if you are a person who struggles with racism, take some time to deeply study the Bible and discover that God doesn’t condemn interracial dating or marriage. The only marriages He condemns are the marriage between same-sex couples and marriages between a believer and an unbeliever. Marriage is a beautiful covenant before God, and those who choose to marry one another do not need to be judged based on their skin color. Everyone is beautiful and uniquely designed by our wonderful Creator and has the opportunity to step into the God-ordained covenant of marriage.  

    Photo Credit: ©Unsplash/Desiree Fawn

    Vivian Bricker loves Jesus, studying the Word of God, and helping others in their walk with Christ. She has earned a Bachelor of Arts and Master’s degree in Christian Ministry with a deep academic emphasis in theology. Her favorite things to do are spending time with her family and friends, reading, and spending time outside. When she is not writing, she is embarking on other adventures.

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  • Why Are So Many Christian Marriages Failing?

    Why Are So Many Christian Marriages Failing?

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    Divorce comes in all shapes and sizes. There’s certainly not a “one reason fits all” explanation for this heart-wrenching experience. I’ve learned that it doesn’t always matter who initiates leaving, who files for separation first, or who did what to whom—divorce hurts. 

    And it should. Divorce has been compared to two sheets of paper glued together—it’s impossible to separate them without damage inflicted on both pieces. 

    Trust me, I’ve been there. After all, I walked through the dark valley of abandonment and unwanted divorce before I even hit age thirty. 

    Decades ago, divorce seemed to be more of a worldly situation. Anytime a divorce rocked the local church, it was shocking. These days, however, the divorce rate among Christians—while lower than among those not professing faith—is ever-climbing. It doesn’t even bring the same jolt of surprise when we hear “so and so” are separating. 

    So what exactly is happening to Christian marriages? What is causing this epidemic, and how can we stop it? Can we even stop it? 

    Here are eight reasons why so many Christian marriages are failing today—and what you can do to avoid becoming a statistic:

    1. We’re Sinners

    This is the simplest yet deepest truth to the mystery of why marriages fail—because of sin. 

    Romans 3:23 (ESV) “…for all have sinned and fall short of the glory of God. All of us are capable of committing a variety of sins against our spouse, and it’s all too easy to let these sins build up. Even when the sins aren’t directly against our spouse, it affects our marriage because unconfessed sin affects our hearts.” 

    Thankfully, there is hope. 1 John 1:9 (ESV) says, “If we confess our sins, he is faithful and just to forgive us our sins and to cleanse us from all unrighteousness. It’s never too late to confess your sin and get right with the Holy Spirit—and in that same vein, it’s never too late for your marriage.” 

    2. We Treat Marriage as Extreme Dating

    Another reason Christian marriages fail is that they aren’t held with the reverence they deserve. Marriage is not extreme dating. All too often, couples get engaged and go into marriage acting like divorce is an option should things head south. They woodenly repeat “’til death do us part” after the officiating minister, but deep in their hearts, they have an escape plan. Yet, the Bible states otherwise:

    Genesis 2:24 (ESV) “Therefore a man shall leave his father and his mother and hold fast to his wife, and they shall become one flesh.”

    Marriage creates one unit from two people. Of course, that will mean instant conflict because both people in the union are sinners. Arguments will happen. But that union is a direct picture of the covenant between Christ and His Church. It’s not to be taken lightly.  

    3. We Forget

    As the years go by, it’s easy to forget why we fell in love in the first place. All we can see are the annoying quirks and bad habits our spouse has that drive us crazy. We forget that our spouse is a blessing to us—they’re a good thing!

    Proverbs 18:22 (ESV) “He who finds a wife finds a good thing and obtains favor from the Lord.”

    On top of that, husbands are literally commanded to rejoice in their wife. Proverbs 5:18 (ESV) says, “Let your fountain be blessed, and rejoice in the wife of your youth…” While this directive is aimed at men, women can also benefit from the instruction by remembering why they fell in love in the first place and rejoice in their marriage. A little gratitude goes a long way in perspective—for both parties.

    4. We Quit Too Soon

    Sometimes, couples give up when they should be digging their heels in and fighting for their marriage. Of course, there are situations where this doesn’t apply, such as with unrepentant adultery, abuse, etc. But for the couple who feel as if they’ve simply fallen out of love and are ready to give up, they might consider this parable in the Gospel of Luke:

    Luke 11:5-8 (ESV) “And he said to them, “Which of you who has a friend will go to him at midnight and say to him, ‘Friend, lend me three loaves, for a friend of mine has arrived on a journey, and I have nothing to set before him’; and he will answer from within, ‘Do not bother me; the door is now shut, and my children are with me in bed. I cannot get up and give you anything’? I tell you, though he will not get up and give him anything because he is his friend, yet because of his impudence he will rise and give him whatever he needs.” 

    Prayer works miracles, and it’s easy to try everything under the sun—passive-aggressive tactics, counseling, self-help books, or venting to our friends—without ever going to the Lord about our marriage. Start there and pray with persistence. Don’t give up too soon. 

    5. We Cause Each Other Strife

    Speaking unlovingly to each other does a lot of damage, especially over time. Husbands and wives are often both guilty of nagging each other, but here in Proverbs, the directive is aimed toward women. Proverbs 21:9 (ESV) warns, “It is better to live in a corner of the housetop than in a house shared with a quarrelsome wife.” Both spouses should take care with the words they speak and aim for gentleness over anger. Taking a deep breath and a moment to gain control of your temper before speaking can go a long way in saving a marriage. Aim to be someone your spouse wants to spend time with, rather than someone driving them away—and then watch how they start behaving the same. Kindness is contagious.

    6. We Don’t Understand What Love Truly Is

    From a young age, we’re exposed to the world’s definition of love, which is often just lust masquerading as love. True love is defined in the Bible. The Bible says God Himself is love (1 John 4:16). We’re also given a list of examples in 1 Corinthians of what love looks like:

    1 Corinthians 13:4-7 (ESV) “Love is patient and kind; love does not envy or boast; it is not arrogant or rude. It does not insist on its own way; it is not irritable or resentful; it does not rejoice at wrongdoing, but rejoices with the truth. Love bears all things, believes all things, hopes all things, endures all things.” 

    Go through the list above and check your heart toward your spouse. Are you showing patience and kindness? Are you overcome by jealousy and insecurity? Are you rude? Irritable all the time? Bitter? Start there and see what the Lord transforms in you both. 

    7. We Don’t Fulfill Our Biblical Roles

    This has, unfortunately, because of sin and abuse, become a touchy subject, but the bottom line is the Bible has direct roles for husbands and wives in marriage. Marriages work better when they’re in the confines of their God-ordained boundaries. Simply put, wives are commanded to submit, and husbands are commanded to love. 

    Ephesians 5:24-26 (ESV) “Now as the church submits to Christ, so also wives should submit in everything to their husbands. Husbands, love your wives, as Christ loved the church and gave himself up for her, that he might sanctify her, having cleansed her by the washing of water with the word…”

    This is how marriage works best. Don’t get me wrong—this doesn’t mean wives aren’t also to love their husbands, or husbands aren’t to consider their wife’s thoughts and opinions when leading their household. Marriage is a partnership. God told Adam in the garden that it wasn’t good for him to be alone, that he needed a helpmate. When husbands and wives fulfill their roles as God designed, their marriage runs a lot smoother. When roles are reversed, abandoned, or resented, conflict is compounded. 

    8. We Don’t Forgive

    Our marriages will inevitably fail—or at the least, be completely miserable—when we withhold forgiveness. The Bible is full of reminders of this important element, not just in our marriages but in our Christian walk as a whole. 

    1 Peter 4:8 (ESV) “Above all, keep loving one another earnestly, since love covers a multitude of sins.”

    Ephesians 4:32 (ESV) “Be kind to one another, tenderhearted, forgiving one another, as God in Christ forgave you.”

    If we don’t forgive our spouse, we’re essentially telling them the blood Christ shed on the cross for their sins wasn’t enough payment for what they’ve done. When you find it hard to forgive when your spouse sins against you, remember how much you’ve been forgiven by your Heavenly Father, and follow this command in the Bible to forgive. You’ll never regret it. 

    **Please note, forgiveness doesn’t mean condoning what happened or leaving yourself open to being sinned against repeatedly in the same manner. That’s a different conversation. Forgiveness can come with boundaries, and oftentimes, it should.**

    Whatever the current state of your marriage, the good news is there is always hope. Miracles still happen. Restoration happens. If you’re currently fighting for your marriage, have faith! If you’re breathing, there’s still a chance. 

    And the even better news is that if your marriage does end or isn’t restored, you’re not alone. Remember, the Lord Your Maker is your husband:

    Isaiah 54:5 (ESV) “For your Maker is your husband, the Lord of hosts is his name; and the Holy One of Israel is your Redeemer, the God of the whole earth he is called.”

    Dear sister, if you’re subject to an unwanted divorce, you are not simply a statistic. You are a child of God, and He is with you through every hard season and dark valley. Cling to Him. And bask in His love that never fails.

    Photo Credit: ©Getty Images/Vimvertigo

    Betsy St. Amant Haddox is the author of over twenty romance novels and novellas. She resides in north Louisiana with her hubby, two daughters, an impressive stash of coffee mugs, and one furry Schnauzer-toddler. Betsy has a B.A. in Communications and a deep-rooted passion for seeing women restored to truth. When she’s not composing her next book or trying to prove unicorns are real, Betsy can be found somewhere in the vicinity of an iced coffee. She is a regular contributor to iBelieve.com and offers author coaching and editorial services via Storyside LLC. 

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  • What Does it Mean to Be a Wife of Noble Character?

    What Does it Mean to Be a Wife of Noble Character?

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    Preconceived notions overflow about the kind of wife a woman “should” be. Maybe these are shaped by pop culture in some way — she must be attractive, kind, fashionable, and funny, simultaneously a fantastic mom and a whiz in the boardroom.

    One passage from Proverbs in the Bible titled “Epilogue: The Wife of Noble Character” details a wife so exemplary her works are celebrated and wholeheartedly applauded by the entire community.

    “A wife of noble character who can find? She is worth far more than rubies,” we’re told in Proverbs 31:10.

    The chapter goes on as an acrostic poem using all the letters in the Hebrew alphabet, describing a woman so excellent “her works bring her praise at the city gate” (v. 31). She wakes early, providing for her family with strong arms and a stronger mind.

    Faithful and fair, she cares for the poor, has phenomenal business acuity, is skilled with thread and needle, and enjoys a great relationship with her husband and her kids. Best of all, we’re told she “fears the Lord” (v. 30).

    Is this the expectation of the kind of wife we should be? What does it mean to be a wife of “noble character,” as described in Proverbs 31:10?

    Let’s take a look at what this means and if this idealized version of womanhood is even possible.

    What Does the Original Hebrew Say?

    First, it’s important to understand the words “wife” and “noble” are not necessarily as we would interpret them today. The word translated as “wife” is actually issa or ishah, which means woman, usually a wife or a woman of some importance.

    The word translated as “noble” is hayil, or chayil, meaning valiant, brave, courageous, or capable. Of note is that this is the same word used in Judges 6:12 to describe Gideon, a judge over Israel, yet there it is translated as “mighty.”

    Therefore, this wife of noble character is not some queenly, regal figurehead sitting detached and aloof on her throne, blithely ordering servants to and fro. Rather, this is a strong and courageous woman, a female version of Gideon’s “mighty warrior.”

    Why Is This ‘Wife of Noble Character’ So Wonderful?

    Make no mistake: the woman being described here is no ordinary woman. She is a superwoman of sorts. She has much work and does it all skillfully and without complaint, and her efforts not only help her family but spill over into the community, benefitting the needy as well.

    She has dignity but a sense of humor and is generally the kind of person you can count on to do the right thing always.

    Indeed, she’s a rare find, valued more than precious stones. In many ways, this gem of a woman is much like wisdom, lauded throughout Proverbs.

    Wisdom is presented throughout Proverbs as a woman. For instance, in Proverbs 1:20, wisdom is personified as a woman who “raises her voice in the public square,” while in Proverbs 9:1, she “has built her house; she has set up its seven pillars.” Like a loving and excellent spouse, we are to welcome and value wisdom.

    Proverbs, also known as the book of wisdom, introduces itself as being written “for gaining wisdom and instruction” (Proverbs 1:2).

    As it notes near the start of the book, “The fear of the Lord is the beginning of knowledge, but fools despise wisdom and instruction” (Proverbs 1:7).

    This is exactly the sort of woman this “wife of noble character” is — one filled with wisdom, “who fears the Lord” (Proverbs 31:30).

    Proverbs 3:15 describes wisdom much like this wife of noble character, noting wisdom “is more precious than rubies; nothing you desire can compare with her.”

    And as the book says later about wisdom, in Proverbs 8:35, “For those who find me find life and receive favor from the Lord.”

    The same is said for one who is blessed with a wife of noble character and those who have that noble character themselves.

    Is This the Expectation of the Kind of Wife We Should Be?

    Yes, this is the kind of wife women “should” be — yet it’s important to understand this is an idealized version of womanhood, not a job description.

    The “wife of noble character” is a top-level goal, something women should strive for while knowing full well perfection isn’t actually possible for anyone except the Lord.

    Yet it’s not just about womanhood. This is a goal for all people. We all must seek to be like Lady Wisdom and embody the traits of the wife of noble character.

    It might help to understand this much like the way Christians are expected to emulate Jesus. All Christians are sinful in nature, yet we strive to be like our role model, Jesus, though most of us fall far short. We spend our lives attempting, usually in vain, to overcome our human weaknesses and become holy.

    Similarly, women might strive to be like Jesus, or a Proverbs 31-type woman, knowing we cannot possibly get to this pinnacle of excellence on our own.

    As the Bible later explains, we can never be “good enough” or work hard enough to earn our place in heaven. God’s forgiveness and our salvation depend on his mercy, not our worth.

    We cannot earn this but instead must simply accept the gift given to us by Jesus — the perfect, unblemished lamb whose willing death on the cross paid our debt and guaranteed eternal life for those who believe in him.

    Still, we must still try our best to model Christ well so others can know him, too, and so God’s works can abound on earth.

    As Jesus says in John 15:5, “I am the vine; you are the branches. If you remain in me and I in you, you will bear much fruit; apart from me you can do nothing.”

    The Wife of Noble Character in the Bible

    While we know there is no perfect person other than Jesus himself, there are some people who can be called a wife of noble character.

    In Ruth, Boaz called her “a woman of noble character” when he discovered her at his feet on the threshing floor (Ruth 3:11).

    Boaz, a powerful, highly respected, and good man, knew Ruth chose to stay with her mother-in-law, Naomi, after the death of her husband and resettle in a foreign land far from her own people.

    He knew she behaved in an upstanding and morally righteous manner and worked hard in the fields to provide for Naomi. Later, Boaz married Ruth. Her son, Obed, was the father of Jesse, who was the father of King David — and eventually one of Jesus’s ancestors (Matthew 1:5).

    A woman of noble character is honest, hardworking, trustworthy, and wise, like Ruth. She is loyal and dependable, striving to serve the Lord and do what is right rather than gain power, success, or wealth. She is also kind and, compassionate, and generous to others.

    While not specifically labeled as such, we can find examples of other virtuous women “of noble character” in the Bible: Rachel, patient, and hardworking wife of Jacob (Genesis 29, 30).

    Hannah, prayerful formerly barren mother of the prophet Samuel (1 Samuel 1); Esther, who risked her life and station to advocate for her people, the Jews, before the king (Esther 4:16).

    Elizabeth, mother of John the Baptist (Luke 1); Mary, the “worthy” and “favored” one chosen to be the mother of Jesus (Luke 1); and Mary Magdalene, a devout follower of Jesus (Luke 8).

    Is There a Connection Between a ‘Noble Woman’ and Wisdom?

    As Proverbs is also called the book of wisdom, and it begins with wisdom personified as a woman, calling on top of the wall for the people to repent and return to her (Proverbs 1:21), and ends by describing a woman of excellence (Proverbs 31:10-31) who seems to embody all of the wisdom detailed throughout the book, yes. There is a strong connection between a “noblewoman” and wisdom.

    As people everywhere are to cultivate and welcome wisdom, Proverbs tells us men are to cultivate and welcome the noblewoman. As it says in Proverbs 12:4, “A wife of noble character is her husband’s crown, but a disgraceful wife is like decay in his bones.”

    Of course, this does not apply only to men and their wives. Women, men who do not marry, and indeed all people, are to seek such righteousness and excellence in their lives. The teaching of Proverbs is intended for all of God’s people.

    So let us all — women, as well as men — strive to be like the wife of noble character described in Proverbs 31. Let us all work to be selfless, hardworking, compassionate, virtuous, strong, and kind.

    For further reading:

    What Does it Mean to be a Proverbs 31 Woman?

    Should Godly Women Laugh Without Fear of the Future?

    What Does it Mean to be a Godly Woman?

    Photo Credit: ©iStock/Getty Images Plus/Ivan-balvan

    Jessica Brodie is an award-winning Christian novelist, journalist, editor, blogger, and writing coach and the recipient of the 2018 American Christian Fiction Writers Genesis Award for her novel, The Memory Garden. She is also the editor of the South Carolina United Methodist Advocate, the oldest newspaper in Methodism. Learn more about her fiction and read her faith blog at jessicabrodie.com. She has a weekly YouTube devotional, too. You can also connect with her on Facebook, Twitter, and more. She’s also produced a free eBook, A God-Centered Life: 10 Faith-Based Practices When You’re Feeling Anxious, Grumpy, or Stressed.

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    Jessica Brodie

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  • A Letter to the Friend of the Socially Anxious

    A Letter to the Friend of the Socially Anxious

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    I can remember a time when I hated when plans with friends would suddenly change or fall through. It was such a letdown when I had been looking forward to exciting plans and was only met with feeling bummed and, sometimes, experiencing feelings of rejection, loneliness, and sadness too.

    It can be frustrating having friendships with individuals who struggle with social anxiety. All the hype you instill, checking in, reassuring, and, especially, those moments when you are dressed and ready to go but receive an “I can’t make it!” text at the last minute. 

    You, friend, are not lost in the wake of your friend’s social anxiety. Your efforts are seen, appreciated, and are what keep us going. We would love nothing more than to live as socially as we are when plans are first made. We wish the waves of anxiety would halt for scheduled and unexpected plans. Without your help, we would probably be even more secluded than we already are. You are the breath of fresh air that encourages us to keep trying. You are the buoy that we can hang onto that keeps us afloat. But we know that even though we know how important you are to us, you may sometimes feel rejected, defeated, and tired. It is hard maintaining relationships with friends who mentally struggle. It is discouraging to make plan after plan, deep down knowing that the plans will not be followed through.

    Your friendship matters to us, so let’s talk about some ways that you can help support your socially anxious friend:

    Check-in Before the Event

    There is an immense amount of anticipation leading up to moments of socializing. All the worries of what if, could be, and worst-case scenarios plague our thoughts. These worries pile up days, weeks, and even months before the event occurs. Of course, rationally, everything will be just fine. But in our minds, irrationally, everything will not be fine. And, our brain is stuck in the irrational even when you plead logically with us. Your advice, support, and help before the event matter to us.

    • Tip: Role-play different conversations that could take place, talk through different worries as they come up, have a plan for when to arrive and leave, and remind us that we’ve overcome hard things before.

    “As iron sharpens iron, so a friend sharpens a friend.” Proverbs 27:17 NLT

    Check in During the Event

    Regardless of how the night is going, check in. We may be putting on our bravest face, talking endlessly, and appear to be comfortable, but, we could be talking faster than our brains can process. We could be drowning on the inside, doing our best to say all the right things and not embarrass ourselves. We could be planning how to get out of this situation and flee. We could be analyzing the body language and facial expressions of everyone around us and piling on all the emotions in the room.

    • Pull your friend aside for a quick “break check” as often as necessary, supplement conversation when you can, and be present.

    “Therefore encourage and comfort one another and build up one another, just as you are doing.” 1 Thessalonians 5:11 AMP

    Check in After the Event

    After the event is over, cue the start-up of the merry-go-round of worries. Remember when I said we may be talking faster than our brains can process? Well, all we can think about is what everyone thinks about us, how embarrassed we are about things that we said, or analyzing every facial expression.

    • Talk on the drive home of the highs and lows, talk through any worries that come up, and check in as necessary in the following days.

    “If either of them falls down, one can help the other up. But pity anyone who falls and has no one to help them up.” Ecclesiastes 4:10 NIV

    Be Supportive, Even When You Do Not Understand

    You do not have to personally understand our struggle to be supportive. You can be a safe person for us by giving us the space to wade through anxious thoughts without judgment or annoyance. Help your friend to distinguish the truth in the midst of the lies. Many times, we are so consumed or overwhelmed that we need someone to see our circumstances from a different perspective or viewpoint.

    • Look to God’s Word together to replace the lies with truth and talk it over with your friend, as you can, no matter how many times he/she brings it up.

    “Share each other’s burdens, and in this way obey the law of Christ.” Galatians 6:2 NLT

    Please, don’t criticize our fears.

    Making light of your friend’s anxiety can be an opportunity to break the ice, but please, don’t do that. Your friend likely already feels so defeated by their own thoughts about their struggles. Please, don’t add to the weight your friend is already carrying. How would you like to be treated if the role was reversed and you were the one plagued with distress? 

    “So in everything, do to others what you would have them do to you, for this sums up the Law and the Prophets.” Matthew 7:12 NIV

    Your feelings matter, too.

    I think I can speak for your friend when I say we understand your feelings matter also. Let us know when it is too much or when you need a break. You are important to us! The last thing we want to do is be a burden or add to the weight you’re carrying.

    “Two people are better off than one, for they can help each other succeed. If one person falls, the other can reach out and help. But someone who falls alone is in real trouble. Likewise, two people lying close together can keep each other warm. But how can one be warm alone? A person standing alone can be attacked and defeated, but two can stand back-to-back and conquer. Three are even better, for a triple-braided cord is not easily broken.” Ecclesiastes 4:9-12

    I have sadly experienced the loss of friendships due to my social anxiety. Friendships that I never wanted to see the end, but, inevitably, did. So, to the friends who keep sticking around, thank you! Thank you for accepting each of us as we are. Thank you for not giving up on us. Thank you for choosing to keep checking on us. Thank you for allowing God to use you in our struggle. We know, all too well, that this burden is heavy to carry, but we hope you know how much it means to us that we do not have to carry it alone. We acknowledge and see the love of Christ on display through your presence, your support, and your love.

    Photo Credit: ©iStock/Getty Images Plus/Tero Vesalainen

    Laura Spurlin is a Christian, wife to her high school sweetheart, mama to her kiddos, nurse, and writer that has a passion for sharing what the Lord puts on her heart about motherhood, mental health, and all things in the Word of God.

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    Laura Spurlin

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  • 4 Reasons to Trust Again

    4 Reasons to Trust Again

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    A second reason to trust again is to start new relationships. Maybe a friend, a partner, or a spouse significantly broke trust with you. Your friend lied to you or said mean things behind your back. A partner may have forgotten about your birthday or forgot to pick you up for a date. Or maybe your spouse cheated on you and you are now in the workings of divorce. Each of these circumstances can dramatically hurt us and cause us pain. In addition to causing us pain, they can cause us to not trust these individuals again. It can even cause us to have a hard time trusting anyone again.

    At these times, it is important to remember that not everyone is like that friend, partner, or spouse who lied to you, hurt you, or betrayed you. It is worthwhile to open up your heart and your trust to others if they have demonstrated the actions of being someone who is trustworthy. Even if you may never see that friend, partner, or spouse being trustworthy again, you can still find trustworthy people out in the world who deserve your trust. Many times, we wish we could trust these individuals who were once close to us, but we haven’t been given any tangible proof that they are worthy of our trust.

    If the person has taken the right steps to become worthy of our trust again, we should be open to trusting them again. However, if you have been sexually, physically, or emotionally abused, you are not obligated to trust them again. Even though the individual may apologize or act convincingly, it is best not to rekindle relationships with those who sexually, physically, or emotionally abused us. Never are we called to trust those who have hurt us in this way. While we are to forgive, it doesn’t mean what they did was okay. Rather, forgiving them means we give it all over to Christ.

    Photo Credit: ©iStock/Getty Images Plus/fizkes

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    Vivian Bricker

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  • 6 Ways to Support a Grieving Friend

    6 Ways to Support a Grieving Friend

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    Grief can be an especially difficult concept. People who are grieving have difficulty with the emotions surrounding grief, and the people who want to support those grieving can also have a difficult time with it. But it is so important to support friends during difficult times. Exodus 17:10-12 says, “So Joshua fought the Amalekites as Moses had ordered, and Moses, Aaron and Hur went to the top of the hill. As long as Moses held up his hands, the Israelites were winning, but whenever he lowered his hands, the Amalekites were winning.  When Moses’ hands grew tired, they took a stone and put it under him and he sat on it. Aaron and Hur held his hands up—one on one side, one on the other—so that his hands remained steady till sunset.” People need the tangible support of others through gestures, encouragement, and help from dear friends.

    However, it is easy to say a quick cliché rather than sit with someone in deep sadness. It is important not to state platitudes when a friend’s loved one has passed away, like “God doesn’t give us more than we can handle” or “he is in a better place,” because although it sounds soothing, it does not provide the person much relief. It only provides the “comforter” a quick way to get out of a tough situation. But what can a person do when a friend is grieving? 

    Here are six ways to support a grieving friend: 

    1. Pray for Them

    The most important thing you can do for a friend is pray for them. Ask the Holy Spirit, the Great Comforter, to give them peace that passes all understanding. That is the best gift a person in grief can receive. Ask the Holy Spirit to speak to you regarding that person. When God gives you a word of encouragement, be sure to pass it on to that friend. It may speak to their heart in a way that they have not verbalized to anyone else, including you. This will help them feel seen and known by God and meet their deep emotional needs for comfort and support.

    2. Make Them a Meal

    Offer to make a meal for someone in grief. It is a tangible way to meet their needs and demonstrate their presence in your life. Be sure not to make what you like, but rather ask them what they would like to eat. If they have a special diet or are a picky eater, buy a gift card to their favorite restaurant or order their favorite meal and have it delivered to their home (tip included). They may not feel up to eating when they first experience loss, but with the passing of time, their appetite will increase, and having a quick meal that can be available instantly will be of great help to them. 

    3. Encourage Them

    One of the best resources we have for encouragement is the Word of God. Take a day and go through the passages where people are in deep sorrow or pain. Write down the things that God said to them during that time. Read the context surrounding it and re-enact the ways God was the Great Comforter to others. In the coming weeks, say nothing to your friend but rather demonstrate your friendship by re-enacting these scenarios to their comfort level. It can be as simple as sending a bouquet of flowers a month after the loss, checking in on them, letting them know you were thinking of them after all the family members have left, or calling them on the phone and leaving a message letting them know you are praying for them. 

    People often have a large amount of support when someone first passes away before and immediately after a funeral. But three to four weeks after all the family members have gone back home and that person is left alone is when they will experience another wave of grief. Demonstrating these acts of kindness in this time will demonstrate Jesus and his love in your life in ways that will provide them comfort for months to come.

    4. Be the Hands and Feet of Jesus

    Making a meal or buying a gift card to a favorite restaurant is a great start to demonstrating support and kindness. Try to go the extra mile when it comes to supporting your friend during your time of grief. Offer to say a few words about the loved one if there is a funeral service. Ask them if there are any errands they need to run or tie up loose when it comes to their loved one’s loss. Pay for groceries and have them delivered to your friend’s home. Offer to pay for any last-minute costs at the funeral home or grave site. Discover ways to demonstrate Jesus in tangible ways to your friend. If you are running out of ways to do that, ask the Lord to reveal any needs that your friend might have that he or she has not made you aware of. Do your best to meet them in a kind and loving way to demonstrate you are a good friend supporting them through a tough time.

    5. Write Them a Note

    In this technological world, many have lost the art of handwritten notes. By a sympathy card or blank note and write in it all the ways your friend has been an encouragement to you. Highlight their good qualities and why they are such a good friend to you. In the hustle and bustle of life, we often don’t say the important things that make people feel special. Tell them all the ways you love them and encourage them not to feel bad if they don’t recover from their loss right away. 

    6. Check in on Them

    Grief is not linear; grief can take years, and people go through many stages before grief is finally complete. Don’t rush them but let them know you are there for them. Send a random text letting them know you were thinking of them. Buy a gift from Amazon that you know they’ll like and have it delivered to their door. Make their birthday or another special holiday extra special during their time of loss. Spare no expense on a gift, throw a party in their honor, or host a card shower where other friends and family can write notes of encouragement to their friend. Checking in on them often will help them feel more comfortable to share with you if you’re going through a rough time or ask for help if needed. Don’t get discouraged if your friend is quick with a response or doesn’t respond at all. Give gifts and notes of encouragement without expecting an emotional payoff for you too. Be someone who loves others with no strings attached. 

    Grief is not something anyone should go through alone. God has provided us with people to support us through difficult times in our lives. Be the Hur to the Moses in your life. Hold up people’s hands when they are weakest, and you may find when you are having a difficult time, you have the support you need as well. 

    Photo Credit: ©Getty Images/Rawpixel

    Michelle S. Lazurek is a multi-genre award-winning author, speaker, pastor’s wife, and mother. She is a literary agent for Wordwise Media Services and a certified writing coach. Her new children’s book Who God Wants Me to Be encourages girls to discover God’s plan for their careers. When not working, she enjoys sipping a Starbucks latte, collecting 80s memorabilia, and spending time with her family and her crazy dog. For more info, please visit her website www.michellelazurek.com.

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  • 4 Ways for the Introvert to Invest in Community

    4 Ways for the Introvert to Invest in Community

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    A fourth way for the introvert to invest in the community is to connect digitally. In the modern day, everything seems to have gone digital. Whether that be social media, websites, or emails, we can connect digitally now, which is a huge blessing to introverts. While the Lord does want us to connect to people in person, the internet is now a great place to spread the Gospel and build community in new ways. Through connecting to others by the means of the internet, we can help build relationships in ways not possible before.

    As an introvert, you are most likely extremely creative, and now is the time to put your creative talents to practice. You can design your own website to help believers connect, disciple one another, and discuss struggles you might be going through. You can tell your friends about the website and have them connect with you too. Once a website is published on the internet, it is only a matter of time until more people see your website and will be able to benefit from your support, encouragement, and help in Christ.

    If making a website isn’t your thing, maybe you could connect with some friends you haven’t spoken to in a while over social media. You could send them a message checking in on them and have a conversation to see how they are doing. The simple act of extending love, support, and care will make their entire day and might be just what your friend needs that day. God is very pleased when we choose to go out of our way to help others and when we choose to do things that are right even if they are scary for us. For me, even talking over text or email can be overwhelming because I tend to overthink everything, including punctuation. 

    However, the more practice we get at communicating with others in our community, whether in person or digitally, the more confident we will become in helping others. The Lord wants us to help those around us and be part of our community. As lights for Christ, we need to shine brightly for Him and point others to His amazing grace. Even though we are introverts doesn’t mean we are not capable of helping others know about Christ and investing in the community around us because we are more than capable. If you’re an introvert and are looking to invest in the community, hopefully, one of these four ways will help you start today. 

    Photo Credit: ©GettyImages/Wavebreakmedia

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  • Has Culture Lost Touch with Old-Fashioned Love Letters?

    Has Culture Lost Touch with Old-Fashioned Love Letters?

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    He cut a piece of paper into the shape of a flower, colored it, and wrote a few short sweet words in black ink. Then he gave it to my roommate to place on my pillow. The next day came a beautiful, enormous bouquet of Stargazer Lilies.

    Those flowers are long gone, but the note I will keep forever. Written a quarter of a century ago, it’s the first “love letter” I ever received from my hubby. It’s tucked away in a little box along with the other short notes he wrote on post-its and longer letters he penned on engineering paper while we attended college.

    I am not super-sentimental, and I’m much more of a tosser than a keeper, but I don’t think I’ve ever thrown out a single thing that Corey has handwritten to me. There is something about seeing the handwriting of the person you love, with its scribbled-out words and doodles and ink smudges that make you feel adored in a way a social media message will never be able to achieve.

    Corey and I rarely write notes to each other anymore, and we certainly don’t write long handwritten love letters. But I can’t help but think that our relationship would benefit if we did.

    The Science of Letter Writing

    In fact, there is a Kent State study that offers proof of this theory. In 2007, Associate Professor in Human Development and Family Studies, Steve Toepfer, took a sampling of 219 “relatively happy” undergraduate college students. Each student was required to fill out a battery of questionnaires about their well-being during the first week of the study. Toepfer then divided the students into a control group and an experimental group; each was obligated to return to the research lab three times over the next three weeks. The control group simply filled out questionnaires each week, while the experimental group wrote letters of gratitude before filling out the questionnaire. 

    The letters had to be meaningful; a quick thank-you note was insufficient. When the study concluded, Toepfer found that the more letter-writing the students did, the more their happiness and overall life satisfaction increased. He also found that depressive symptoms decreased. 

    “What we come away with from this study is that if you are looking to increase your well-being through intentional activities, take 15 minutes three times over three weeks and write [a] letter of gratitude to someone,” Toepfer said in an article by Emily Vincent on the Kent State website. “This is a cumulative effect. If you write over time, you’ll feel happier, you’ll feel more satisfied, and if you’re suffering from depressive symptoms, your symptoms will decrease.”

    The World Needs More Love Letters

    Hannah Brencher discovered the art of writing letters after she excitedly moved to New York City, fresh out of college for her dream job. Instead of experiencing the fulfillment she hoped for, she found herself battling depression. In an effort to relieve some of that depression, she began writing love letters to random people and leaving them around the city. Then she hopped on social media and offered to write a handwritten letter to anyone who asked for one. In a very short period of time, her inbox was overwhelmed with requests. 

    Brencher’s accidental letter-writing campaign blossomed into more than she could have imagined, and she now runs a global organization called “The World Needs More Love Letters” with a primary purpose of connecting people through letter writing.

    In a TED Talk, Bencher describes being approached by a stranger who noticed her large mail crate and asked why she didn’t just use the Internet.

    Her response, 

    “Sir, I’m not a strategist, nor am I a specialist, I am merely a storyteller. So I could tell you about the woman whose husband has just come home from Afghanistan and is having a hard time unlocking this thing called conversation, so she tucks love letters throughout the house as a way to say, ‘Come back to me. Find me when you can.’. . . Or the man who decides that he is going to take his own life, and uses Facebook as a way to say good-bye to friends and family. Well, tonight he sleeps safely with a stack of letters tucked beneath his pillow, scripted by strangers who were there for him.”

    Because of experiences like this, Bencher firmly believes letter writing is an art form. She notes that the intentionality of sitting down with a piece of paper and pen and thinking about someone the whole way through writing a letter can’t be achieved when we have browsers open, texts/snaps coming in and social media updates dividing our attention. “(Letter writing) is an art form that does not bow down to the Goliath of ‘let’s go faster,’” she said.

    Love Letters in Real Life

    I’m guessing you don’t receive many love letters. I know I don’t. According to a 2021 CBS News article, nobody really does. 37% of Americans polled for the article said it’s been more than five years since they have written or received a personal letter. And more than one in five adults under age 45 have never written a personal letter. It seems maybe society has moved beyond the age of letter writing.

    But think about the last time you found a handwritten envelope amidst the credit card applications and campaign ads in your snail-mail box. Did you get a warm feeling knowing someone took the time to reach out to you? And on that rare occasion that you send a handwritten card to a friend or tuck a love note in your hubby’s lunchbox, do you get a tiny surge of adrenaline as you imagine the person you love reading the words that you wrote?

    It’s hard to slow down long enough to share our love with someone in this fast-paced world, but maybe a notebook and a pen are exactly what we need to do so. Maybe we should consider adding letter writing to our routine.

    Prolific author Mary Potter Kenyon has included letter-writing in her regular routine for decades and even wrote a book about it. Mary & Me: A Lasting Link Through Ink (co-authored by Mary Jedlicka Humston) details a decades-long friendship retained through weekly letter writing. 

    When Mary recently remarried after over a decade of widowhood, she told her husband that the perfect birthday gift to her would be the gift of his words. “I told him, ‘the best gift you could ever give me is your words written on paper. I want you to write how you feel about me, or what I mean to you.’ He thought it was kind of silly, but he does it now,” she said.

    Though it doesn’t come easy to him, he writes her notes on special occasions, and Mary treasures them all, keeping them in a prominent location so she can reread them. Something texts and emails just don’t allow. 

    The Bible as a Love Letter

    The Bible is often described as God’s love letter to us. The entirety of the God-breathed text of Scripture is his way of reaching out to a sinful world with his story of sacrificial love for us. It’s a book filled with words we can read and reread, each time knowing the God of the universe cares deeply for us. A letter that is written broadly to all of humanity but that is alive and active (Hebrews 4:12 NIV) in a way that allows it to reach each individual in personal ways.

    Within the text of the Bible are many individual letters. Letters written to admonish, encourage, teach, and comfort. Laura Boyle of the Jane Austen Center even suggests that the love letter’s earliest manifestation may perhaps be the Bible’s Song of Solomon.

    If love letters have proven benefits, if we personally find joy in reading someone’s handwritten words to us, and if God uses his words on paper to reach generation after generation of his creation, maybe we should consider how we can add this ancient form of communication back into our daily lives.

    Who can you write a letter to today?

    Photo Credit: ©SWN

    Kim Harms is an author, speaker, and part-time librarian with two decades of freelance writing experience. She has a degree in English from Iowa State University. She is married to an adventure-lover, and together they have three super-awesome sons, but only the youngest still lives at home. Her book, Life Reconstructed: Navigating the World of Mastectomies and Breast Reconstruction, is a guide for women walking the breast cancer road. She also offers breast cancer resources at her website, kimharms.net. She can be found on Instagram @kimharmslifereconstructed where it turns out that her dog is way more popular than she is, raking in the views when he is the star of her reels.

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  • Is “Children, Obey Your Parents” Meant for Adult Children?

    Is “Children, Obey Your Parents” Meant for Adult Children?

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    Ephesians 6:1 tells us, “Children, obey your parents in the Lord, for this is right.” This passage connects with Deuteronomy 5:16, “Honor your father and your mother, as the Lord your God has commanded you, so that you may live long and that it may go well with you in the land the Lord your God is giving you.” As we can tell from these passages of Scripture, children are told to obey their parents in the Lord, but what does this mean for adult children?

    Obedience “in the Lord”

    When God tells us to obey our parents, He tells us to obey our parents in the Lord. This means we only obey our parents in the realm that is in accordance with His teachings in the Bible. If our parents tell us to do something that is not in accordance with the Bible, we don’t have to obey them. As an example, if our parents tell us to hurt ourselves, hurt someone else, or lie for them, this isn’t right. We are not bound to follow these rules. If a parent ever tells you to do something that goes against Scripture, you are not bound to follow what they tell you.

    We know we are to obey our parents in the Lord as we are children, but what about when we are adults? Are we still bound to obey our parents? The answer is the same—even as adult children, we are to obey our parents in the Lord. No matter how old we get, we are still supposed to obey our parents in the Lord. The key words here, yet again, are “in the Lord.” We are not called to obey our parents in everything they ask us to do. If their requests and wants don’t align with the Bible and the purpose God has for our lives, we don’t have to obey them. Even though our parents are our parents, their say-so and decisions aren’t more powerful than what God tells us in His Word.

    God’s Word is our perfect guidebook to help us make the right decisions. If we follow God’s teachings in His Word, we can better serve God and stay fully devoted to Him. We all have earthly fathers, though many of our earthly fathers fail us. Either we never knew them, they left, or they are emotionally detached. While this is all too common with earthly fathers, God is our Heavenly Father, and He is always there for us and never leaves. He loves us far more than any earthly father could. God’s love for us cannot be measured, nor can it be contained. 

    Since God’s love for us is so great, we can know we can obey His teaching in the Bible. God is love, which means He loves us unconditionally and eternally. He is the exact embodiment of love. We know we can trust in the Lord and obey Him because He loves us. The teachings in the Bible are there to help us, not hinder us. While our parents might give us bad teachings or immoral rules to follow, we can always trust in God’s teachings as outlined in the Bible. He doesn’t ever do anything to hurt or harm us. The Lord is always there for us, and He desires our growth in Him.

    Complicated Situations

    Some of our parents can be quite tricky when it comes to the matter of obedience, so we need to always weigh what they say against Scripture. Even as adults, we are to obey our parents in the Lord, but we don’t have to obey them if they tell us to do something that isn’t right. Many parents have a hard time letting their adult children make their own decisions and can be controlling, even suffocating at times. Some teachings, rules, and restraints your parents have placed upon you might be unreasonable, but know that you don’t have to obey them unless they are in accordance with God’s Word. 

    As an example, while my mom was still alive, her rule for my sisters and me was that we couldn’t move out until we got married. While this was a common practice for people in my family, I never could fathom the idea of waiting until I was married to move out. In fact, marriage was never on my mind, so the idea of waiting to be married to move out felt like hanging doom over my head. From this rule set forth by my mother, I couldn’t move out unless I was no longer single. I remember being a teen when my mother said this, and while I was walking back to the living room with my sisters, I told them “I guess I’m never leaving home.” While it has continued to be a joke between my sisters and me, it was a scary idea to me at the time.

    To have the rule brought forth that you couldn’t leave your parents’ house unless you were married was unreasonable. Nowhere in the Bible are we told that we must be married before moving out. Therefore, since this rule is not biblically sound, there is no reason why my sisters and I have to follow it. Rather, a more appropriate rule should have been, “once you are financially stable, you can move out.” Having marriage as a precondition to moving out should not be enforced upon anyone’s head. If anything, it makes you feel as if you’re not capable of living on your own unless you have a spouse.

    Maybe you have had a similar rule in your household growing up, or maybe you still have those same rules pressed on you even though you are an adult. While being an adult does mean you make many more of your own decisions, you are still to obey your parents in the Lord. We should always respect our parents and be courteous to them even if they don’t act the same way back. Most of the time, if we defy a parent’s unbiblical rule or teaching, they become upset, even angry, with us. This is when we need to tell our parents that their rule or teaching is not in accordance with the Bible, which means we, as their children are not under obligation to obey it.

    Need for Respect

    When you address your parent(s) on these issues, you need to be respectful. Don’t be rude or sassy to your parents. Instead, show them proper respect and point them to what God says about the matter in the Bible. Parents like to think they know best, and to an extent, they can help us in many ways, but they are not God. Even if they give us great advice, only God knows best. It is always the best course of action to follow what God says rather than what other people say. If a parent makes a rule, such as not lying, this is in accordance with the Bible, and thus, we still need to maintain this rule even as an adult. However, we are never obligated to follow a parent’s teaching if it goes against God’s Word.

    Thus, we are to obey our parents in the Lord, even as adult children. When the Bible tells us to obey our parents in the Lord, it means we are only obligated to do the things they ask that align with the Bible. If what they tell us to do is not biblically based, then we are not obligated to obey them. Even as adults, we must obey our parents in the Lord. This is right, and it pleases God when we obey Him. 

    Photo Credit: ©GettyImages/imtmphoto

    Vivian Bricker loves Jesus, studying the Word of God, and helping others in their walk with Christ. She has earned a Bachelor of Arts and Master’s degree in Christian Ministry with a deep academic emphasis in theology. Her favorite things to do are spending time with her family and friends, reading, and spending time outside. When she is not writing, she is embarking on other adventures.

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  • Godly Ways to Recover from a Big Mistake

    Godly Ways to Recover from a Big Mistake

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    Sin can be so costly that the tragedy is unrecoverable, making us feel like we’ve crashed and can’t get back to where we were. We can do more harm to ourselves by dwelling on why we messed up. Our mind, particularly Satan, fools us into believing it’s irrevocable, that we can’t move on.

    Why Do Christians Make Big Mistakes?

    One of the main reasons Christians make blunders of varying magnitude is that God has given man the freedom to do anything he wants. In other words, God has given man the ability to make choices. 

    People frequently pray to God but are not patient enough to wait for His response and choose to blaze their own trail. God does not stand in the way of someone who has decided to do something, even if that person has asked for God’s direction but then continues to do whatever they wish. 

    Our bad choices cause us anguish and grief. However, when a Christian acknowledges that he has made a mistake, that individual seeks God’s assistance. 

    Sincere repentance deepens a Christian’s relationship with God and cultivates a stronger relationship. Even if making mistakes is undesirable, when they occur, the Christian has the grace to exercise his confidence in God’s promises. 

    Sometimes, afflictions or temptations may arise as a test of the graces or virtues of men. It doesn’t necessarily mean every trial comes because of sins or mistakes. However, if sin is not acknowledged, a believer is typically put under pressure and made to bear the consequences of his actions by undergoing trials. A “trial” is a hardship that puts the strength and faith of a Christian to the test. 

    1 Peter 1:7 “That the trial of your faith, being much more precious than of gold that perisheth, though it is tried with fire, might be found unto praise and honor and glory at the appearing of Jesus Christ:”

    God does not want Christians to be victims of their own faults, but when they are, He is dedicated to seeing them through. 

    James 1:13 “Let no man say when he is tempted, “I am tempted of God: for God cannot be tempted with evil, neither tempteth he any man:” God never tempts anyone. But people’s lusts and passions lead to mistakes and temptations that overwhelm us.

    Christians must study the Bible diligently and patiently listen to the direction of the Holy Spirit to grasp God’s plan before making decisions, and our approach to studying the Word of God matters if we are to hear from the Holy Spirit. The Scriptures should be read in prayer to prepare our hearts to hear from God. Prayer is required both before and after reading God’s Word because the devil is ready to misinterpret or steal the message a Christian can receive from the Bible.

    It is reassuring to know that God does not abandon us after we have committed sins that may cause anguish and discomfort. Hebrews 10:23 says, “Let us hold fast the profession of our faith without wavering; for he is faithful that promised….” 

    God is faithful to keep His promises to which we turn with all our effort when we make costly mistakes. 

    Here are a few practical pointers on how to effectively recover–and grow stronger–after making a wrong decision:

    1. Accept Responsibility 

    It’s unfortunate if events don’t turn out how you intended, someone you relied on lets you down, or you have a bad day.

    When you stumble, you must make it clear to those affected by your error that you understand the magnitude of your mistake and accept responsibility. 

    If this mistake happened at your workplace, it is most appropriate for you to request a meeting to discuss the problem. Also, ensure that you maintain a professional tone focusing on the way forward rather than being sorry without a clear goal. Before talking about the mistake, prepare extensively by exploring the cause of the problem and writing down some key takeaways before the meeting. 

    If this mistake occurred in other aspects of your life, it is important that you boldly and penitently admit your faults. Take time to sit with those you’ve hurt (intentionally or not) and have the courage to look them in the eye and apologize. Take responsibility and accept the consequences of your errors. Understand the feelings of the people affected by your misdeeds while also accepting the process of improvement.

    2. Forgive Yourself

    After owning up to your faults and asking forgiveness from the people you wronged or were affected by your mistake, you also need to forgive yourself. Although it may sound cliche, thinking through your mistake, admitting it, and moving on will have an effect on how you press forward. 

    We are all humans, and we are all capable of making mistakes under different circumstances. It may sometimes appear that your lapse of judgment has harmed your confidence. This can hurt your career or relationships with others around you, but you should strive to focus on the positive aspects of yourself rather than the negative ones. Allow yourself to consciously forgive yourself for the error.

    3. Fix It (If Possible)

    Mistakes, even blatant sins, frequently have unintended consequences, and pretending they did not occur is not only risky for human relationships but destructive in your relationship with God. Don’t just walk away from your errors like they never mattered. As a matter of fact, you can’t recover until you make amends—at least as much as possible.

    Making amends entails going to the person harmed by your error and accepting responsibility. It also implies publicly owning the mistake where appropriate, doing your best to right the wrong, and fixing the problem your mistake has caused. 

    4. Resolve the Root Cause 

    Consider what caused the mistake and what you did to contribute to the problem. Understand that external circumstances cannot teach you anything; therefore, disregard them.

    The most crucial aspect of admitting responsibility and avoiding the long-term consequences of your blunder is devising a strategy to prevent a future recurrence. Search for sources of weakness in your process, approach, or actions while you are investigating and thoroughly understanding the situation.

    You could put checks and balances in place to warn you before a similar error is made. Come up with a backup plan to remedy any harm before the person leaves. 

    Also, devise a way to resolve such matters should they recur in the future.

    Improving your manners, attitude, and work methods will demonstrate to colleagues and people around you, both at work and in your personal life, that you are still a good and reliable person. And more importantly, this will assist you in regaining your confidence.

    If you take time to critically study your mistakes, you will notice trends in your behavior or approach that contributed to these errors. And once you know it, you’re well on your way to breaking the cycle. The worst life mistakes are the ones that you keep making.

    As a Christian, you should strive not to make the same blunders twice; not only should you learn from your sins, but you should also develop new processes to ensure they don’t happen again. And most importantly, don’t dwell on them; we’re all humans.

    5. Live Beyond Your Mistakes

    Your past might make you afraid to live in the future, but continue to boost your confidence by establishing more challenging goals or taking on new projects. Set your primary goals, but add another if you exceed your primary goal. Try to lead the work project once more. Extend a coffee invitation to the person you hurt. These tough, humbling actions will demonstrate initiative. 

    (However, be prayerful and patient for when the timing is right to make these bolder choices.)

    But achieving these objectives or completing a new project will make you feel competent again and restore your confidence and trust in your ability to be forgiven and move forward in Christ.

    Photo Credit: ©Getty Images/AndreyPopov

    Emmanuel Abimbola is a creative freelance writer, blogger, and web designer. He is a devout Christian with an uncompromising faith who hails from Ondo State in Nigeria, West Africa. As a lover of kids, Emmanuel runs a small elementary school in Arigidi, Nigeria.

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  • What Are Fake Christians and How Do We Know When We See One?

    What Are Fake Christians and How Do We Know When We See One?

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    When I was in middle school, it was considered one of the biggest offenses to be told that you were a “poser.” This would imply that you’re trying to be someone you weren’t in an effort to impress others. For example—if a guy claimed he was a jock and even dressed one, but he had zero athletic skills, then he was a poser. Perhaps he wanted the attention from girls that being a jock could attract. Sadly, “posers” aren’t just found in middle school; there are some who have crept into today’s church, pretending to be a Christian. So what exactly are fake Christians, and how do we know when we see one?

    What Are Fake Christians?

    The term “fake Christian” may bring to your mind an image of someone who is a hypocrite. Although there are plenty of hypocritical Christians, we need to break this term down in order to accurately define what it means.

    We know that the word fake suggests inauthenticity. Counterfeits.

    A Christian is someone who has accepted Jesus Christ as his or her Lord and Savior. This person is considered saved, or “born again,” because they have applied the principle found in Romans 10:9: “If you openly declare that Jesus is Lord and believe in your heart that God raised him from the dead, you will be saved.” The underlying factor that differentiates believers from nonbelievers is the Holy Spirit that abides within us, according to Ephesians 1:13: “And when you believed in Christ, he identified you as his own by giving you the Holy Spirit, whom he promised long ago.”

    With these two definitions in mind, we can define a fake Christian as being one who has not genuinely been born again, and yet they put on the persona as though they have.

    Perhaps this person chose to wear the Christian title so they could profit off that reputation (similar to those jock posers back in middle school). All of us have likely, at one time or another, attempted to fit in with a certain crowd. If an unbeliever discovered they could gain a certain kind of acceptance through “fitting in” with a church crowd or Christian industry, they may have preferred to wear a church mask rather than actually accepting Christ into their heart.

    But if someone wanted the acceptance, or the benefits, that come from being a Christian, why wouldn’t they—you know, actually become a Christian? One reason is that they may not believe in the message of the cross. 1 Corinthians 1:18 reminds us that “The message of the cross is foolish to those who are headed for destruction! But we who are being saved know it is the very power of God.”

    Another reason is that, while they may relish in their false Christian appearance, they are ultimately not willing to dedicate their hearts and lives to God. Being a true Christian would involve sacrificing their ungodly lifestyle—or else they’d continue that lifestyle and live with the guilt. The enemy is a deceiver, and he attempts to make Christianity look like bondage to unbelievers so they will choose to remain “free” to live for him instead.

    To summarize, fake Christians are those who have chosen a saved appearance rather than a saved heart. They care more about their status through the eyes of the church, their family, or a Christian industry rather than their status through the eyes of God.

    What Is an Authentic Christian?

    An authentic Christian, on the other hand, is one who has accepted Christ as his or her Savior. The light of the Holy Spirit abides within this person. Matthew 7:20 provides an indication of how we can identify an authentic Christian: “Yes, just as you can identify a tree by its fruit, so you can identify people by their actions.”

    The speech and actions of these authentic Christians overflow with fruit of the Spirit, because Galatians 5:22-23 tells us, “But the Holy Spirit produces this kind of fruit in our lives: love, joy, peace, patience, kindness, goodness, faithfulness, gentleness, and self-control. There is no law against these things!”

    In addition, those whose hearts are abandoned to God have a concern for matters that concern Him and a hatred toward evil. James 1:27 tells us that “Pure and genuine religion in the sight of God the Father means caring for orphans and widows in their distress and refusing to let the world corrupt you.”

    This doesn’t mean that these authentic Christians do not commit sin; after all, Jesus is the only sinless human who walked the earth (1 Peter 2:22, 2 Corinthians 5:21, 1 John 3:5, Hebrews 4:15). Rather, when true believers commit sin, they are convicted by the Holy Spirit (see John 16:8) and live a life of repentance. They are set free from living in bondage to sin and have been purified by the blood of the Lamb. 

    Because believers know that we will someday give an account for the way we lived our lives (2 Corinthians 5:10), authentic Christians strive to serve God and obey His Word. They understand that God’s opinion carries more weight than man’s because Galatians 1:10 reminds us, “If pleasing people were my goal, I would not be Christ’s servant.”

    What Is the Difference between Fake Christians and Wayward Christians?

    Thankfully, our salvation is not determined by works but by faith (Galatians 2:21). Otherwise, no one would be worthy enough to stand before God in eternity! 

    With this in mind, let’s be careful not to assume someone is a “fake Christian” because of their struggle with sin. As humans, we tend to “look on the outward appearance, but the Lord looks on the heart” (see 1 Samuel 16:7). God is the One who will ultimately determine a person’s eternal fate. James 4:12 reminds us, “There is only one Lawgiver and Judge, the One who is able to save and to destroy; but who are you who judge your neighbor?”

    There are those within the church who have genuinely accepted Christ as their Savior and once committed their lives to Him but have since strayed from following His Word. Perhaps this Christian goes to church weekly, prays occasionally, and even loves God—but their love for Him is not reflected in the way they live, speak, or make daily decisions.

    When we spot these Christians, let’s refrain from passing judgment and instead extend godly love toward them, praying that the Holy Spirit will convict them. We can also pray about how we can play a role in leading that person back to the truth. James 5:19 says, “My dear brothers and sisters, if someone among you wanders away from the truth and is brought back, you can be sure that whoever brings the sinner back from wandering will save that person from death and bring about the forgiveness of many sins.”

    Does Scripture Address the Idea of Fake Christians?

    Scripture makes it clear that there are those who will call themselves Christians on earth, but when they reach eternity, their hearts and true intentions will be revealed.

    Matthew 7:21-23 says, “Not everyone who calls out to me, ‘Lord! Lord!’ will enter the Kingdom of Heaven. Only those who actually do the will of my Father in heaven will enter.  On judgment day many will say to me, ‘Lord! Lord! We prophesied in your name and cast out demons in your name and performed many miracles in your name.’ But I will reply, ‘I never knew you. Get away from me, you who break God’s laws.’”

    We also know that God despises a kind of Christianity in which a person is not committed to a godly lifestyle. “Straddling the fence” should never be an option for the true believer. Revelation 3:15-16 says, “I know all the things you do, that you are neither hot nor cold. I wish that you were one or the other! But since you are like lukewarm water, neither hot nor cold, I will spit you out of my mouth!” 

    Remember Judas Iscariot? He was once considered an apostle of Jesus, but his true motives were soon revealed. When he betrayed Jesus, it was proven that he was more interested in what he could gain from Jesus rather than how he could serve him. It is believed that Judas had a financial intention behind betraying Jesus (see Matthew 26:14-15).

    Sadly, there are still many Judas Iscariots within the church today—people who perform like a Christ-follower and may even be well-versed in “Christianese,” and yet their motives are purely for fleshly gain rather than spiritual gain. 

    How to Spot Fake Christians

    Let’s ask the following scriptural questions:

    Does this person love this world and the things it offers them? 

    1 John 2:25 says, “Do not love this world nor the things it offers you, for when you love the world, you do not have the love of the Father in you.”

    Does this person love other believers?

    1 John 3:14 says, “If we love our brothers and sisters who are believers, it proves that we have passed from death to life. But a person who has no love is still dead.”

    Does this person bear fruits of the spirit, as addressed in Galatians 5:22-23?

    Healthy fruits are an indication that a person is attached to the vine (John 15:5).

    Does this person live according to the flesh or the spirit (Romans 8:13)?

    Do they express works of the flesh as addressed in Galatians 5:19-21 (such as drunkenness, sexual immorality, divisions, etc.)? We are told, in this passage, that “those who do such things will not inherit the kingdom of God.” In addition, Jesus says in Mark 7:20-23, “’What comes out of a person is what defiles him. For from within, out of the heart of man, come evil thoughts, sexual immorality, theft, murder, adultery, coveting, wickedness, deceit, sensuality, envy, slander, pride, foolishness. All these evil things come from within, and they defile a person.’”

    Does this person possess a genuine fear of God? 

    Proverbs 14:2 says, “He who walks in his uprightness fears the Lord, but he who is devious in his ways despises Him.”

    Does this person teach a false gospel?

    By false gospel I mean one that is “a different doctrine and does not agree with the sound words of our Lord Jesus Christ” (1 Timothy 6:3-5)?

    Does this person’s faith rest “in the wisdom of men” or in “the power of God”? (1 Corinthians 2:5)

    Lastly, does this person overflow with the love of God as addressed in 1 Corinthians 13:2? And is this a worldly kind of love that tolerates sin, or is it the godly type of love that extends compassion on everyone but holds righteous anger toward sin?

    Again, let’s be slow to judge and refrain from tossing accusations toward someone who claims to be a believer. After all, godly love is the kind that “bears all things, believes all things, hopes all things, endures all things” (1 Corinthians 13:6-7).

    We can, however, use wisdom and discernment to take heed of red flags when we see them. But this does not give us the right to gossip about someone within a congregation. Instead, we can find reassurance in the truth laid out in, Ecclesiastes 12:14, which says, “For God will bring every deed into judgment, with every secret thing, whether good or evil.” 

    This isn’t to say we are not held accountable to speak up about obvious sin within the church (see 1 Corinthians 5:12). Let’s do this from a place of godly love rather than a “holier-than-thou” attitude like the Pharisee did in the parable found in Luke 18:9-13:

    “The Pharisee stood by himself and prayed this prayer: ‘I thank you, God, that I am not like other people—cheaters, sinners, adulterers. I’m certainly not like that tax collector!”

    After all, the one whom you may deem as fake could be someone whose struggle with sin is merely more obvious than yours. So rather than pointing fingers, let’s invest most of our energy into our own faith journey, determined that we will be known as a passionate follower of Christ.

    The godly love we extend toward believers and non-believers alike speaks volumes louder than our Christian title. In fact, the loyalty and devotion we express toward God and others could be the very thing that leads those “fake Christians” to Christ.

    Tessa Emily Hall is an award-winning author who wrote her debut novel when she was sixteen. She is now a multi-published author of both fiction and non-fiction inspirational yet authentic books for teens, including her latest release, LOVE YOUR SELFIE (October 2020, Ellie Claire). Tessa’s passion for shedding light on clean entertainment and media for teens led her to a career as a Literary Agent at Cyle Young Literary Elite, YA Acquisitions Editor for Illuminate YA (LPC Imprint), and Founder/Editor of PursueMagazine.net. She is guilty of making way too many lattes and never finishing her to-read list. When her fingers aren’t flying 128 WPM across the keyboard, she can be found speaking to teens, teaching at writing conferences, and acting in Christian films. Her favorite way to procrastinate is to connect with readers is on her mailing list, social media (@tessaemilyhall), and website: www.tessaemilyhall.com.

    This article is part of our larger resource library of Christian practices and disciplines important to the Christian faith. From speaking in tongues to tithing & baptism, we want to provide easy to read and understand articles that answer your questions about Christian living.

    10 Things to Know about Speaking in Tongues
    The Fruit of the Spirit – What Are They?
    What Is the Tithe?
    What Is the Sabbath and Is it Still Important?
    Baptism – What Does it Mean and Why Is it Important?

    Communion – 10 Important Things to Remember
    Armor of God – What Is it and How to Use It
    What Does it Mean to Be Righteous?
    What Is Christening?
    What Is Submission?

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  • 5 Things Adult Children Wish Their Parents Understood

    5 Things Adult Children Wish Their Parents Understood

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    Growing up can be hard. While we are children, we don’t fully understand how our parents’ actions, words, and behavior can affect us. As adults, the way our parents treat us can also deeply affect us. In retrospect, as adults, we can often think of many things we wish our parents would understand. While some of our parents may never try to understand, here are five things adult children wish their parents understood:

    1. Your Standards Are Too High

    One thing that adult children wish their parents understood is that their standards are too high. Growing up, my mother’s standards placed upon my sisters and me were unattainable. Maybe you experienced something similar as you were growing up. My mother’s standard was perfection and anything short of perfection was treated as a failure. As a child and a teen, I didn’t think her standards were unreasonable because it’s all I ever knew. Now, as an adult, I recognize that the standards my mother placed on my sisters and me were too high. Instead of being told that what we did wasn’t “good enough,” we needed to be supported and encouraged.

    What our parents say to us does affect us deeply in many ways. If our parents constantly tell us we are not “good enough” or that we are a “failure,” how are we expected to grow? Sadly, some adult children can continue this behavior when their children become adults. Adult children need to be reminded that they are enough and that they are loved. If you are a parent and have recognized that you have set the standards for your children too high, take a step back and analyze how your words and actions have affected your child. Once you have noticed how your standards have impacted your child, refrain from setting impossible standards. 

    Nobody is perfect, and it is unreasonable to think anyone can be perfect. Adult children can notice their parents’ standards are too high when their parents make comments such as “You should be finished with college by now,” “You should be married by now,” and “You should have children by now.” All of these standards and remarks only do damage. They do nothing to help. If you want to be supportive of your adult child, tell them how proud you are of their accomplishments, even if they don’t necessarily meet the standards you had placed on them. 

    2. I Wish You Were Proud of Me

    A second thing adult children wish their parents would understand is that they wish their parents were proud of them. Similar to the previous point, many adult children see or feel their parents have never been proud of them. From personal experience, I have never felt my parents were proud of me. I have always wanted them to be, yet they have never been. Since I wasn’t good at the things they wanted me to be, such as playing the piano, artwork, or conforming to others’ social standards, they weren’t proud of me. As children and even as adult children, it is important to tell your children you are proud of them.

    My mom passed away a long time ago, and I will never know if she was ever proud of me. She never told me she was proud of me, nor did I ever feel she was proud of me. Instead, I felt she was disappointed and ashamed of me. If you have felt the same way, you know how painful it can be and how much it can affect you as a person. Even as an adult now, I have never heard my surviving parent tell me he is proud of me. Does it affect me? Of course. I would be lying to say it doesn’t affect me. If you are a parent reading this, make sure you tell your adult children how proud you are of them. 

    3. You Have Hurt Me

    A third thing adult children wish their parents understood is that their parents have hurt them. As children and even as adults, it can be extremely difficult to tell a parent that they have hurt you. Some parents will dismiss your pain and hurt, which will only add more pain and hurt to your heart. Many things that my mom and dad said to me have hurt me. Being called an “extra” child or “Judas Iscariot” by my mother when I was going through an intense time of anorexia has paralyzed me in many ways. I have had many people try to dismiss the pain I’ve experienced from what my mom has said, but I encourage everyone to never invalidate someone else’s feelings. It doesn’t help them but rather forces them to just “get over it.”

    Adult children can still be hurt by many things of the past and parents can still hurt their adult children in the present. We need to only say things that will build each other up. We never need to tear down others with our words. Parents need to know better and use their words wisely. Everybody’s tongue has the power of life and death, yet it is up to us to choose what we will use our words for. If you are a parent, acknowledge that you have hurt your child and be supportive. While you may have never physically hurt your child, emotional and mental hurt can be just as traumatizing and damaging. 

    4. You Pushed Me Away When I Needed Help

    A fourth thing adult children wish their parents understood is that parents can push children away when they need help. There again, drawing from my own experience, my mother mostly tended to push me away when I needed help. I have had depression since I was thirteen years old, and when I tried to go to my mother for help, she dismissed me. She told me I needed to get over my “pity party” and start being happy. I was labeled ungrateful and unthankful. If you suffer from depression, you have probably had the same remarks made to you. As you know, they are not helpful. Children and adult children need their parents not to push them away but rather to be there by their side in their struggle—even if the parent doesn’t fully understand what their child is enduring.

    Many parents continue to push their children away even in adulthood. It is vital that you don’t do this because you can permanently hurt your child and damage the relationship you have with them. Instead of pushing them away, draw them near and offer them help. Even as adults, we still need our parents’ support, particularly through difficult times, such as mental illnesses, terminal illnesses, or the ending of relationships. We all need help at times and our parents must encourage and support us rather than push us away. 

    5. I Can Make My Own Decisions Now 

    A fifth thing adult children wish their parents understood is that we can make our own decisions now. Many parents try to control their adult children’s decisions, which can negatively affect their children. Instead of trying to make decisions for your adult child, let them make their own. Give them the freedom to make their own decisions and make their own path. While children appreciate their parents’ advice, they also need the freedom to make their own decisions. When we become adults, we have more serious decisions to make, such as buying a home, choosing a career, and how we will serve the Lord. 

    Even though parents might think they know best, parents need to allow their children the freedom to make their own decisions. Some decisions might not be the best, yet some decisions can be learning experiences. As much as parents would like to always make sure their adult children make the right decision, it cannot be promised. Every person has free will and with that free will, they can make their own decision. If you are a parent, allow your adult children to make their own decisions and refrain from saying anything negative unless their decision is something that goes against the Word of God. 

    Photo Credit: ©Getty Images/fizkes

    Vivian Bricker loves Jesus, studying the Word of God, and helping others in their walk with Christ. She has earned a Bachelor of Arts and Master’s degree in Christian Ministry with a deep academic emphasis in theology. Her favorite things to do are spending time with her family and friends, reading, and spending time outside. When she is not writing, she is embarking on other adventures.

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  • 10 Ways to Recapture Your Husband’s Heart

    10 Ways to Recapture Your Husband’s Heart

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    In Song of Songs 4:16, the new bride says: “Let my beloved come into his garden and taste its choice fruits.” This young, obviously confident bride invited her husband to find pleasure in her. There is nothing more appealing to a husband than for his own wife to initiate lovemaking and that happens when you and I are confident in who we are, confident we are loved, and confident we won’t be rejected.

    In Song of Songs 7:1-9, Solomon gives a detailed description of his bride from the sandals on her feet to the hair on top of her head. Some commentators believe she might have been dancing before him as he compiled this description.

    Now you might be thinking If I were a young bride with a lean flat stomach and looked like her, yeah, I’d dance before my husband. But perhaps you aren’t comfortable with your husband inspecting you from head to toe. Or maybe he’s made a remark in the past that has you feeling self-conscious. I realize it is ingrained in us by our culture (and perhaps by some past wounds, too) to not be an “object” before any man and to be offended at any reference to your body being a point of visual pleasure for your husband. Yet, please remember something: You are his for life – the only woman your husband can gaze upon and enjoy with a right heart before God.

    Think about it. If your husband looks at anyone else the way he is allowed by God to look at you, he will be committing adultery in his heart. So, let him feast his eyes on you. Allow him to enjoy what he sees by taking the best care of yourself that you can, by dressing nicely, smelling pleasantly, and looking at him with eyes that you once had for him. Perhaps as you begin to look at him the way you once did, he will return that look the way he once did. 

    Photo Credit: ©Unsplash

    Cindi McMenamin is a national speaker and author of 17 books who has been married 30 years to a pastor and introvert. Her newest book, 12 Ways to Experience More with Your Husband, released Feb. 1 from Harvest House Publishers, and will help you diffuse the tension and heat up the passion in your marriage. Grab it at a special introductory sale price today or find more resources to strengthen your walk with God, your marriage, or your parenting, at her website: www.StrengthForTheSoul.com.

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    Cindi McMenamin

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  • How to Maintain Balance in Your Marriage

    How to Maintain Balance in Your Marriage

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    A healthy marriage is based on genuine love, honesty, trust, and respect. If you want to establish a fun-filled, stress-free relationship, it is critical to have a balance in marriage. Early in a marriage, the couple is typically madly in love and investing everything into the union. But as you interact with the same individual every day, in both good and bad times, things may get much more challenging. As a matter of fact, it doesn’t take long for one spouse to grow overburdened and bored. 

    To be honest, a romantic marriage goes beyond the customary mushiness, dinner dates, and movie dates. If you’ve been married long enough, you probably already know that a genuine relationship starts when the honeymoon is over.

    What Causes an Imbalance in Your Marriage?

    When you’ve been married for a while, your connection with your spouse may begin to feel stale and boring. You may even experience circumstances that give you the impression that your relationship is deteriorating and that you are gradually drifting apart.

    This is a warning sign that you must take prompt action and restore harmony to your union. Constant conflicts are the most common cause of marital imbalance, so it’s crucial to recognize where marriage conflicts stem from: 

    1. Minor or major conflicts

    Different factors could stir conflicts in your marriage. But whatever happens, you both must understand you sometimes might not be able to change your partner. 

    And to let peace reign in the relationship, you must put more effort into improving yourself than your partner. Ephesians 5:33 says, “Nevertheless let every one of you in particular so love his wife even as himself, and the wife see that she reverence her husband.”

    You should respect the fact that you and your spouse are different from each other. Also, learn to accept that your partner might have certain qualities and personality features that cannot be changed. Disagreements are normal in marriage, and you must learn how to deal with them in constructive ways. 

    (Keep in mind that building a bridge by saying cruel things to your spouse that you can’t take back is not a good idea.) 

    2. Ineffective communication

    Improved problem-solving abilities result from healthy communication, and this positively impacts marriages. 

    Work-related pressures can also have a significant impact on marital communication, as stressed-out partners tend to be more reclusive, angry, or hostile toward one another during the workday and less hostile at home on the weekends.

    As Christians, we must develop healthy communication skills with our spouses because if we do not develop effective communication skills or adopt healthy coping mechanisms, marital stress can negatively impact our children’s lives.

    3. Other factors

    Marriages are also significantly harmed by other stressors, including denial, avoidance, sadness, self-blame, negative self-verbalization, withdrawal, and more severe stressors, including drug misuse and violence. Other stressors common to daily life, such as illness, job loss, children, and other factors, also negatively impact marriages and can significantly change the quality of your marriage.

    How to Restore or Bring Balance to Your Marriage

    The secret to having a successful relationship where both partners feel at ease, supported, and respected is understanding how to maintain balance in the marriage. So, how do you restore balance to a failing relationship or bring balance to your marriage? You should take into account the following crucial concepts to keep your marriage in balance:

    1. Make your relationship more trustworthy

    You must be trustworthy and have faith in your spouse if you want to keep a relationship in balance. 

    If you have experienced betrayal in the past, it can be challenging to trust. But if you want balance in your marriage, you can’t take it out on your spouse who had no part in the betrayal. Try to be dependable by sticking to your word to establish trust in your marriage. One of the essential elements in developing trust in a relationship is honesty. When the situation calls for it, make an effort to be honest with your partner. 

    Nothing kills trust like a little white lie. Avoid it! It is difficult for your spouse to trust you again after you are exposed as a liar.

    2. Consider the privacy of your relationship

    Remember that your spouse had a life before you met them, and it will continue after you go. Recognize and respect your partner’s boundaries. Be careful not to invade their personal space. Also, acknowledge that your partner has personal needs and is a human being just like you.

    You don’t have to want to spend every minute of every day with your spouse. Sometimes they need to set their focus on other significant areas of their lives. Giving your partner a personal space is not disrespectful; they will value you more if you respect their privacy.

    3. Acknowledge conflicts

    A healthy marriage has both enjoyable and contentious times. It’s not a picture-perfect world where everything is ideal. Instead, it involves two different people, each with their own personality and actions. Recognize that your partner is different from you. As a result, you will occasionally have misunderstandings. But that doesn’t mean you two can’t get along. You need to communicate your pain points or displeasure with one another in a healthy way. Accept your differences. Understand one another’s viewpoints and respectfully disagree while never criticizing your partner’s flaws.

    Let love lead in your marriage. 1 Corinthians 13:4-5 “Love suffers long and is kind; love does not envy; love does not parade itself, is not puffed up; does not behave rudely, does not seek its own, is not provoked, thinks no evil.”

    Conflicts are a natural part of a healthy relationship, and they can even help it grow. But you must approach them wisely and exercise tolerance and patience.

    4. Healthy Communication

    Healthy and constant communication is crucial in building a healthy relationship. It enables deeper connections between individuals. No matter what, the couple must be able to communicate their sentiments to one another and attend to both their individual demands and their relationship needs. A marriage that is out of balance has inadequate communication, and the integrity of the relationship will be jeopardized if one party feels ignored. 

    It’s best to establish a strong connection with your partner and openly express yourself to them (1 Peter 3:1-9).

    Be honest and upfront about your emotions, and they must also pay complete attention to you. Having someone to share your life with is the main goal of a healthy marriage, so don’t be hesitant to show your partner your vulnerability. 

    5. Commit, compromise but don’t make many concessions

    Giving your all for the benefit of your relationship and your partner is admirable. It strengthens your bond and facilitates emotional reconnection with your spouse. But making too many concessions can destroy you, as your attention is eventually diverted from your personal needs and wants. Spending too much time with your spouse can make it difficult for you to take care of other essential things in your marriage or at home. When this happens, it is no longer a commitment but an unhealthy compromise. 

    Note that a healthy compromise does not negatively impact other significant aspects of your life or relationship.

    Saving money to see your significant other when you could spend it drinking at the bar is a healthy compromise. Being attentive to your partner is also essential, but it doesn’t have to be a hassle. 

    You develop an unbalanced connection the instant your mental well-being is stressed by your sacrifices.

    6. Honor your spouse’s preferences

    A powerful method to establish a balanced marriage is to respect your spouse’s decisions and preferences. 

    There will be times when your partner will make choices that you do not agree with. The wisest course of action is to accept it without fuss.

    Sometimes you can’t stop them from making bad choices. Although it can be hard to stand back and watch when you have the power to prevent your partner from making bad choices. The truth is, if they don’t want your assistance, you won’t be able to accomplish much. So, all you can do is give them some advice and let them decide for themselves. Be your partner’s refuge when everything around them turns against them. It is best to work together to come up with solutions rather than judge them.

    7. Avoid relying too much on your spouse

    Limiting your reliance on your spouse is another way to maintain balance in your marriage. It’s okay to solicit assistance from one another, and it is absolutely fine to discuss your problems with your partner and seek their advice on any matter. However, it is best not to rely solely on your spouse because they can become overburdened and believe you are incapable of supporting yourself. And this can be detrimental to your relationship because it gives them a chance to take advantage of you. 

    8. Stay true to who you are

    It is common for individuals in unbalanced marriages to keep their true selves hidden from one another. You should express your true self honestly and be genuine about it. Don’t fake it because you obviously won’t be able to keep it up for so long. And in the end, you will hurt your partner and the marriage when they eventually realize your true nature. 

    Keeping balance in your marriage requires that you respect, love, and be fully committed to your spouse. Ephesians 5:22-25 “Wives, submit to your own husbands, as to the Lord. 23 For the husband is head of the wife, as also Christ is head of the church; and He is the Savior of the body. Therefore, just as the church is subject to Christ, so let the wives be to their own husbands in everything. Husbands, love your wives, just as Christ also loved the church and gave Himself for her.”

    Prioritize honesty, trust, and healthy communication with your spouse.

    Photo Credit: ©Getty Images/Ridofranz

    Emmanuel Abimbola is a creative freelance writer, blogger, and web designer. He is a devout Christian with an uncompromising faith who hails from Ondo State in Nigeria, West Africa. As a lover of kids, Emmanuel runs a small elementary school in Arigidi, Nigeria.

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  • 5 Bits of Encouragement for the Overlooked

    5 Bits of Encouragement for the Overlooked

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    We were born to live in a community, riding the ups and downs together. No one likes to be overlooked; even the most introverted person residing off the grid, one sitting in sweats and reading a book, needs human connection. When others fail to notice us, it can emotionally deplete us. It can cause us to withdraw and retreat, especially when we feel the offense is intentional.

    When I mentioned that I was writing this article to my husband, he looked at me wide-eyed and asked if I felt overlooked. “Do you feel overlooked by me?” he asked. My response, combined with a typical southern woman’s mean mug, was, “No. It is not always about you.” We’ve been married seventeen years, y’all. What can I say? I went on to explain that several times in my life, I’ve felt unseen, overlooked, or passed over in different relational areas. Some instances have seemed intentional, while others are just part of life.

    The beautiful thing about life’s trials is that they drive compassion deep into your blood. And although you can never step in the shoes of someone else’s challenging experiences, your heart can bleed with them. You can embrace them warmly, sit with them, and listen. It gives you a different perspective, a more down-on-your-knees, humble level.

    Whether you have been overlooked in friendships, relationships, sports, careers, or especially by the church, rest in the fact that you are never ignored by Jesus. Friend, I know we aren’t sitting on the same couch, but consider this my giant teddy bear hug for you. I may not be able to see you, but I know the One who does, and I pray these bits of encouragement give you restored hope.

    1. God Sees You When No One Else Does

    Among the many names of God that describe His perfect character, I find El Roi to be one of the most comforting. It means “The God who sees me” (Genesis 16:13). While you may feel invisible, know that God sees you. Hagar was the woman in the Bible who attributed this name to God, and she is the only character in the Bible to name God. She was pregnant and alone in the wilderness, running from Sarah’s cruelty and jealousy when the angel of the Lord visited her (Genesis 16). Friend, there is no place on earth you can ever run from God’s compassionate presence.

    2. God Hears You When No One Else Does

    I love how the Bible uses different names to explain the perfect harmony of God’s character and gives meaning to most biblical characters’ names. An article on Faith Gateway explains the significance of biblical characters’ names. “Many biblical accounts explain the meaning of a person’s name, and those names were significant to who those individuals were or who they were to become. In Jewish tradition, a child’s name was revealed in the same ceremony in which they were circumcised, a sign of the covenant.”

    Continuing with the story of Hagar, the angel of the Lord says in Genesis 16:10 that the Lord will increase her descendants so much they will be too numerous to count. “The angel of the Lord also said to her: ‘You are now pregnant, and you will give birth to a son. You shall name him Ishmael, for the Lord has heard of your misery’” (Genesis 16:11).

    When we put the story together with the meaning of the characters’ names, it paints the most beautiful picture for those of us who have felt neglected or abused. God takes this enslaved Egyptian, whose name means “forsaken,” and gives her a massive lineage through her son, Ishmael, whose name means “God hears.” Sister, God sees you, hears you, and knows the number of hairs on your head (Luke 12:7).

    3. God Loves You Always

    My prayer journal contains a box that says, “Lord teach me to….” I often ask the Lord to teach me to love unconditionally. Some days it is hard to love without conditions or judgments, especially when hurt, but I try my best. I inevitably fail at times, but I pray again and start over the next day. We are all a work in progress, but God is always the same (Hebrews 13:8). His love for us and our love for him is termed agape in Greek and is the highest form of love.  

    Knowing that God never changes and God is love (1 John 4:7-8), we can concur that God will always love His children even though we don’t deserve it. After all, God sent His only Son to pay the price for our sins because He loves us so much that He wants to spend eternity with us.

    “For God so loved the world that he gave his one and only Son, that whoever believes in him shall not perish but have eternal life.” (John 3:16, NIV)  

    4. God Always Has a Perfect Purpose for You

    The most notable story in the Bible of someone who is overlooked is King David. As kids, we hear the highlight reels of David’s life—like when David defeated Goliath with only a rock and a sling. But before becoming king, David started as a young shepherd boy. His dad, Jesse, didn’t remember to call him to the line-up when Samuel came to anoint David as king. Talk about overlooked! Yet, God set apart this lowly shepherd boy for a great purpose. While we may not be destined for earthly royalty or fame, God hand-picked us to fulfill a unique role in His kingdom.

    5. God Wants to Hear from You

    I’ve been passed over for jobs and writing opportunities throughout my life. I’ve been overlooked by peers, boys, and the church. When I was younger, these occurrences would rip my heart out. As I’ve matured, I’ve realized God often opens and closes doors because He has something better in store or is protecting me from harm. Not to say it doesn’t bring about distress and discouragement anymore, but I’ve grown to trust in His plan even when I don’t understand (Proverbs 3:5-6).

    On some of those loneliest days and nights, God was the only One I knew could hear and wanted to hear from me. And we would talk. Sometimes, He would answer with an overwhelming feeling of peace to get me through the next day. Some prayers have gone unanswered still, and some were responded to many years later. But there is a prayer He answered with a phone call right after the “Amen” rolled off my tongue:

    It was New Year’s Eve, and I was a sixteen-year-old who felt invisible to boys. Alone in my room, crying and depressed, I asked God to send me my soul mate. Two seconds later, the phone rang, and a boy I had been crushing on said, “Hello,” and invited me to a party. At that party, I met a new boy who made me forget about my crush who called me. We’ve been together twenty-three years this New Year’s Eve, and I never felt overlooked by him.

    Friend, prayer is not always answered instantaneously or as we wish, but His plans are only in place to prosper you. So keep talking to the One who sees and hears you.

    Photo Credit: ©iStock/Getty Images Plus/fizkes

    Darcie Fuqua is a Business Analyst, Auburn Grad (War Eagle!), Christian blogger & podcast host, and mental health advocate. She is from the deep south of Alabama, where she currently resides with her husband, two energetic fun-loving boys, and a dog named Charlie. She loves sinking her toes in the sand, cuddling with her boys, and having great conversations over a table of good food. You can read more of her writing on her website www.leightonlane.com and connect with her on Facebook and Instagram. Check out Darcie’s latest project as cohost of Therapy in 10.

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  • 7 Prayers That Changed My Heart for My Husband

    7 Prayers That Changed My Heart for My Husband

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    I’ve known my husband thirty-three years. We dated on and off four of those years, starting my sophomore year of high school and going into college. We were engaged less than a year. We’ve been married for over twenty-eight. Add in three kids, a zoo of pets, a few major moves, and a son who’s battled cancer twice, we’ve been navigating life together for what feels like a very long time. And most of it’s been rough.  

    During those early sporadic dating years, we always at least remained close friends. When we got back together the final time, my husband told me he’d compared everyone he’d ever dated to me, but none of them came close. It was me he’d been looking for the whole time. Me he loved. Me he wanted forever with.

    I can hear your collective “awww’s.” Because it sounds sweet and perfect and romantic, right?

    Not if you saw the other side of the picture. That would be my side. During the time we were building a relationship, my parent’s relationship was crumbling, half a brick by half a brick. A slow, ugly death that involved countless lies and another woman.

    When I met my husband, I had a father. When I married my husband, I did not. Not only did my dad check out on a quarter of a century with my mom, he completely abandoned me after nineteen years of what I thought had been a wonderful childhood.  

    To say I was a mess doesn’t begin to describe the aftermath of their divorce. How could someone who says they love you . . . leave you?

    On my wedding day, my husband walked down the aisle because he loved me. I walked down the aisle because I was desperate for love.

    I’m sure you can see the problem. I couldn’t. And it showed in the same fights we had over and over. Thirteen years and three kids in, I had a choice. Stay with this guy I’d “gotten stuck with” or abandon my family the way my dad did. No, I’d never leave my kids, but without their dad, they wouldn’t be the same. They’d lose the security I’d been so desperate to find.

    I stayed because it was the right thing to do. But I wanted more than the mess of a marriage I’d helped make. Something had to change. I needed glue to keep my husband and I together. That glue turned out to be God. He is truly a redeemer.

    I began praying for my husband fourteen years ago. I wish I would’ve prayed the other fourteen. The road would’ve looked so different. I would’ve been grateful instead of resentful of the man God gave me.

    It took me half my marriage to realize what I’d had all along. I couldn’t get past me. I couldn’t let past frustrations go. I couldn’t “see” my husband for who he really was. My dad kept getting in the way.

    Today, my husband is my favorite dinner date. My first-choice movie buddy. My preferred travel companion. My best friend. My refuge. My person. Sitting next to him calms me. Sharing life with him strengthens me.

    God did that. From the moment I stopped taking my frustrations out on my husband and started carrying them to God, He began to grow a love between us I never thought I’d have.

    Have you found the one whom your soul loves? Do you need to fall in love with your husband all over again? Or for the first time? Have you been married a day? A year? A quarter century? Now is the time to pray. Not sure where to start? Here’s what helps me.

    Download your own personal PDF copy of these beautiful prayers for your husband HERE. Print these to keep by your bedside, in the car, or at work to remind yourself of the power of praying over your loved one!

    1. Gratitude

    Lord, this first prayer isn’t really for my husband, it’s for me. I just want to thank You for giving him to me and me to him. You knew what You were doing all along. His traits that used to drive me crazy are now the strengths that fill in where I struggle. His traits that used to seem like weakness are now the places You’ve allowed me to shine. We complement each other. When I let You be the glue, we’re stronger together than we ever were apart. Thank you for putting my husband in my life.  

    2. Protect Our Bond

    You gave my husband and I to each other. You blessed our union. I know You want it to work even more than we do. Protect our bond. Keep my husband’s heart and eyes focused on me. Take away temptation. Stop anything thoughts that would lead him away. Put a wall around our relationship that keeps it just the three of us. With You in the middle, we can stand against anything. Thank you for the man You’re molding him to be.

    3. Be His Strength

    When my husband gets tired and beaten down, will You be his strength? Will you renew his spirit with your own? From the time he wakes up to the time he goes to sleep, give him what he needs to be the husband, father, employee, and friend You want him to be. If he feels like giving up, show him a reason to keep going. Bless Him every day and remind him he’s never alone.

    4. Be His First Love

    Jesus, I know that for my husband to love me, he first has to love You. Speak to his heart. Whisper to him in the moments that most matter. Show him he can trust You. Love on him so strongly he never has the need to look for another. Be his everything.

    5. Let Him See Me through Your Eyes

    Living with me isn’t always fun. Even in the best circumstances, nerves can get rubbed raw. I know I’m not the easiest person to be with. Give my husband Your heart when it comes to me. Let him see me the way you do. When he gets frustrated, saturate him in patience. Show him why I do or say the things I do. And then turn around and do the same for me.  

    6. Keep Him Safe

    Lord, I finally love this man you’ve given me the way I’m supposed to—with all my heart and soul. I want to do life with him, grow old with him, rock grandchildren with him. Bring him home to me every time he leaves. Walk ahead of him. Keep him safe—physically, emotionally, and spiritually. Take care of him.

    7. Bless His Job

    My husband works hard. The obligations must feel overwhelming. Protect his role as our provider. Our family needs his income and his benefits. And he needs to feel validated at work. Bless both those things. Give him a love for his job that only You can. Or find him a new job exactly where You want him to be. Lord, work is such a huge part of his life. Bless him while he’s there. The good he does carries farther than he’ll ever know. Help him see that he’s making a difference in so many lives.

    A final note: This article doesn’t address emotional or physical abuse in a marriage. It’s not meant to. Yes, prayer can change so much. But if you’re in a dangerous situation, please get help to put yourself in a safe place and find professional counseling that deals with these issues. God loves you so much even if it doesn’t feel like it right now, and I’m praying for you.

    Lori Freeland is an author, editor, writing coach, wife, mom, and creator of imaginary people—not necessarily in that order. An acquisitions editor for Armonia Publishing, former editor for The Christian Pulse, and regular contributor to Crosswalk.com, she writes fiction and non-fiction in several genres and has presented numerous writing workshops nationwide. When she’s not curled up with her husband drinking too much coffee and worrying about her kids, you can find her blogging at lafreeland.com.

    Photo Credit: ©Unsplash/Gus-Moretta

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  • How Is Your Connection with Jesus?

    How Is Your Connection with Jesus?

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    My husband was in an automobile accident on August 25th this past year. He was coming to a stop at a red light when an intoxicated 18-year-old plowed into Dan and two other vehicles. My poor husband has had a migraine every day since that night. He recently had a facet procedure that would hopefully stop the migraines or lessen the pain. The doctors thought the procedure would provide significant relief in a day or two. It hasn’t. As a result, Dan is exhausted from a lack of sleep. I am unsure if I have seen him so worn out and tired.

    Have you ever felt that way? Powerless? Like you are unplugged from the source of your power? Jesus calls us to be connected with Him and with others. But that will only happen if we are plugged into the right source. We cannot obey the words of Jesus without a connection with Jesus.

    Think with me about all the complicated, almost impossible-to-do teachings of Jesus.

    -Love your neighbor – easy with some, hard with others.

    -Pray for those who hurt you.

    -Love your enemy.

    -Forgive those who hurt you.

    -Be at peace with everyone.

    -Turn the other cheek.

    And so many more. The words of Jesus sometimes seem undoable. But check this out. Jesus also said:

    Humanly speaking, it is impossible. But not with God. Everything is possible with God (Mark 10:27).

    The impossible becomes possible when we stay connected with Jesus. Those “impossible to keep” commandments of Jesus become possible when we stay connected to him. This connectedness is crucial to the life of a Christ follower. The Bible uses metaphors to help us see the reality of our relationship with Jesus. The primary metaphor of the Old Testament is the one with which the Jewish people of Jesus’ day would have been most familiar.

    I am the true vine, and my Father is the gardener (John 15:1).

    Photo credit: ©Unsplash/Amos Bar-Zeev

    When Jesus said I am the true vine, his followers, who were well-versed in the Old Testament, would have perked up because that line, “I am the true vine,” is a quote lifted directly from Psalm 80, a psalm many of Jesus’ followers would have known by heart. This Psalm would have come to their minds because it is built around this vine metaphor.

    The Psalmist retells the story from the book of Exodus. He is talking about the nation of Israel and comparing them to a vine clipping taken from Egypt and planted in a new land.

    You transplanted a vine from Egypt; you drove out the nations and planted it. You cleared the ground for it, and it took root and filled the land (Psalm 80:8-9).

    God snipped Israel, the vine from Egypt, and planted them in a new fertile land so they could grow ripe fruit that all the world may taste. But the Psalmist later says that this vine died. Israel failed to give themselves to the one true God who saved them. They failed to be a people of justice and mercy, caring for strangers, foreigners, and the poor. As a result, they were unable to bear fruit for the world.

    Despite God’s generosity, patience, and care for his people, they did not yield the fruit he desired. And so, the Psalm says God decides to send one singular and obedient vine to them who would do what Israel, and what all humanity, could never do and, in doing so, restore and save us all.

    Here is what Psalm 80 goes on to say:

    Return to us, God Almighty!

    Look down from heaven and see!

    Watch over this vine,

    the root your right hand has planted,

    the son you have raised up for yourself.

    Your vine is cut down, it is burned with fire.

    At your rebuke, your people perish.

    Let your hand rest on the man at your right hand,

    the son of man you have raised up for yourself.

    Then we will not turn away from you.

    Revive us, and we will call on your name (Psalm 80:14-18).

    The hope, says the Psalmist, rests upon the son of man – on Jesus. Once he comes, the people will be made strong and faithful, and they will be saved through him and in him. They can call upon God’s name, meaning they can live in connection with him. So, when Jesus says, “I am the true vine,” he announces to his followers and all of us that he is the one God has sent. He is the true vine the Psalm is alluding to, the one who will come to save the whole world from evil, sin, and death. The one who will bring God’s Kingdom nearby. The one who will provide us with the opportunity to live in an ongoing loving connection to him is our creator forever.

    Jesus is the one who has come to give us freedom and peace, belonging and forgiveness, and love and kindness. He is the one who has come to rescue us from exhaustion, to lift the heavy burdens laid upon our shoulders and replace them instead with easy and light responsibilities that come from being in connection with God and living within his kingdom. Are you tired of being tired? Then put your trust in the true vine, Jesus, and receive the rest he has to give you and your soul. How does that work? Jesus describes it for us in John 15.

    I am the true grapevine, and my Father is the gardener. Abide in me, and I will abide in you. A branch cannot produce fruit if it is severed from the vine, and you cannot be fruitful unless you remain in me. Yes, I am the vine; you are the branches.” Those who abide in me, and I in them, will produce much fruit. For apart from me, you can do nothing. But if you abide in me and my words abide in you, you may ask for anything you want, and it will be granted! When you produce much fruit, you are my true disciples. This brings great glory to my Father. I have loved you even as the Father has loved me. Remain in my love.” When you obey my commandments, you remain in my love, just as I obey my Father’s commandments and remain in his love. I have told you these things so that you will be filled with my joy. Yes, your joy will overflow!” (From John 15:1-11).

    Dan and I visited Napa Valley a few years ago. While there, I learned a lot about vineyards. The grapevine is actually the trunk of the vine that connects it to the ground. When the branches stay connected to the grapevine – the trunk – they produce fruit.

    Now back to the words of Jesus.

    Jesus says, “I am the vine – the trunk. You are the branches. If you stay connected to me, my life flows through you and produces fruit. If you do not stay connected to me, you wither and die and produce no fruit.”

    So how do we abide in Christ? How do we stay connected with Jesus? How do we remain in Him? 

    Check your connection.

    There is a big difference between trying to produce fruit – trying to do good – trying to follow the words of Jesus – and being connected with him. When we are connected to Him, his life flows through us, and his life in us produces fruit. Jesus calls this connection “abiding.”

    “Those who abide in me, and I in them, will produce much fruit. For apart from me, you can do nothing. But if you abide in me and my words abide in you, you may ask for anything you want, and it will be granted!” (From John 15:4-5).

    To abide is to reside, to stay and remain, which shows us that another aspect of abiding in Jesus is remaining in Jesus. This commitment to staying connected to Jesus means we trust, depend on, and never stop believing in him. To abide in Jesus is to persevere in Jesus and his teaching.

    The Shawnee campus of our church plant, Restore, is in the western portion of Shawnee, Kansas, located in the Mill Valley. Mill creek flows through this valley and eventually into the Kansas river. A mill operated for years on this creek in the days before electricity. When the water flow was high, the mill could operate. When it was low, the mill was useless. When I am abiding in Christ – getting my life through Him – constantly connected to Him – I can operate as a Christ follower and obey Jesus. But, when the connection is non-existent or sporadic, my obedience is also non-existent or sporadic.

    We must be plugged into Christ for His power to flow through us. Check your connection.

    Check your company.

    Abiding in Christ is absolutely a personal reality. Abiding in Christ is also a team sport. We must do life with other Christ followers who also abide in Christ. We must live with other Christ followers who are also connected to Jesus.

    Check out this picture of a healthy set of branches that are producing fruit. The healthiest branches grow in clusters. Unfortunately, these clusters are so dense that you cannot hack through them in the wild.

    We need other people who follow Christ, connected to Him. We are better together. Here is what Jesus says immediately following his words about abiding in Jesus Christ.

    This is my commandment: Love each other in the same way I have loved you. There is no greater love than to lay down one’s life for one’s friends” (John 15:12-13).

    You cannot “love each other” if you are a solo branch. There are no other branches to love or serve.

    Following Christ is a team sport. It is an individual choice to join and stay on the team, but it is a group effort to play the game, and it definitely takes a team effort to win the game.

    Think of the time in your life when you felt the most connected to Christ. When did you feel the closest to Him? I am confident that more than the vast majority of us, it was a time when we were part of a group of people pursuing Christ together.

    Check your connection.

    Check your company.

    Check your condition.

    It is easy to tell if you are connected to Christ. Jesus tells us how to check our level of connection.

    “Those who abide in me, and I in them, will produce much fruit … When you obey my commandments, you remain in my love, just as I obey my Father’s commandments and remain in his love. I have told you these things so that you will be filled with my joy. Yes, your joy will overflow!” John 15:5, 10-11.

    Two specific fruits result from staying connected to Jesus,

    1. Connection produces obedience.

    When we are connected to Jesus, we will obey Him. We will do what He tells us to do. Sometimes obedience is simply choosing to do the right thing, even when it is hard. But obedience shifts as we walk with Christ and stay connected to Him. Obedience moves from something we should do to something we want to do.

    2. Connection produces joy.

    When branches produce fruit, they do what God designed them to do. When we stay connected to Jesus, we do what God created us to do, which brings us joy – the joy of the spirit of Jesus within us. Joy is the result of being fully connected with Jesus and others and having a deeply rooted confidence that God is in control.

    Check your fruit.

    Check your obedience.

    Check your joy.

    Final thoughts:

    Jesus is the true vine. Life flows from our connection with Him. Life flows from being connected to others connected to Him. Life flows into the fruit of obedience and joy when we are connected to Him.

    How is your connection with Jesus?

    Photo credit: ©GettyImages/pcess609

    Mary Southerland is also the Co-founder of Girlfriends in God, a conference and devotion ministry for women. Mary’s books include, Hope in the Midst of Depression, Sandpaper People, Escaping the Stress Trap, Experiencing God’s Power in Your Ministry, 10-Day Trust Adventure, You Make Me So Angry, How to Study the Bible, Fit for Life, Joy for the Journey, and Life Is So Daily. Mary relishes her ministry as a wife, a mother to their two children, Jered and Danna, and Mimi to her six grandchildren – Jaydan, Lelia, Justus, Hudson, Mo, and Nori.

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  • What Does the Bible Say about Fake Friends?

    What Does the Bible Say about Fake Friends?

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    We all need friends since God has created us to be connected to others in caring relationships. But we also need to be careful about our friendships. The Bible warns that some people claim to be true friends but are really false friends who can do us more harm than good. What does the Bible say about fake friends? Discovering that is vital to enjoying healthy friendships.

    What Are Fake Friends/How to Identify Them

    Fake friends are people who seem at first to be friends, but then reveal that they’re too selfish and untrustworthy to be true friends. They may speak and act in caring ways at times, when doing so benefits them. However, when we ask them for something we need, we often find them running away from the friendship because they’re only concerned with their own needs. Fake friends are takers, not givers. They’re self-absorbed and lack the compassion to truly care about others. Fake friends also may deceive us intentionally in order to get something they want. They can manipulate us. They may flatter us not because they truly appreciate us, but because they want to convince us to do something for them, such as lending them money they don’t intend to pay back. They may betray us. When we tell them personal information, they may listen as if they care, then turn around and gossip about us to others because that brings them attention they crave. Finally, fake friends have a negative rather than a positive impact on our relationships with God. While true friends encourage us in our faith, fake friends are critical and discouraging. True friends lead us closer to God, while fake friends pull us farther away from God.

    What Does the Bible Say about Fake Friends?

    The Bible features many verses about fake friends, including these key verses:

    Proverbs 12:26: “The righteous choose their friends carefully, but the way of the wicked leads them astray.”

    Psalm 41:9: “Even my close friend, someone I trusted, has failed me. I even shared my bread with him.”

    Proverbs 13:20: “Walk with the wise and become wise, for a companion of fools suffers harm.”

    1 Corinthians 15:33: “Do not be misled: ‘Bad company corrupts good character.’”

    Proverbs 3:32: “For the Lord detests the perverse but takes the upright into his confidence.”

    Jeremiah 9:4: “Be on guard against your friends. Do not trust the members of your own family. Every one of them cheats. Every friend tells lies.”

    Psalm 55:12-14: “If an enemy were making fun of me, I could stand it. If he were getting ready to oppose me, I could hide. But it’s you, someone like myself. It’s my companion, my close friend.

    We used to enjoy good friendship at the house of God. We used to walk together among those who came to worship.”

    1 John 4:7-8: “Dear friends, let us love one another, for love comes from God. Everyone who loves has been born of God and knows God. Whoever does not love does not know God, because God is love.”

    John 13:35: “By this everyone will know that you are my disciples, if you love one another.”

    Ecclesiastes 4:9-10: “Two are better than one, because they have a good return for their labor: If either of them falls down, one can help the other up. But pity anyone who falls and has no one to help them up.”

    Proverbs 17:17: “A friend loves at all times, and a brother is born for a time of adversity.”

    Romans 12:15: “Rejoice with those who rejoice; mourn with those who mourn.”

    Proverbs 27:9: “Perfume and incense bring joy to the heart, and the pleasantness of a friend springs from their heartfelt advice.”

    Proverbs 22:24-26: “Do not make friends with a hot-tempered person, do not associate with one easily angered, or you may learn their ways and get yourself ensnared.”

    Proverbs 20:19: “A gossip betrays a confidence; so avoid anyone who talks too much.”

    Proverbs 16:28: “A perverse person stirs up conflict, and a gossip separates close friends.”

    Proverbs 26:23-25: “Enemies disguise themselves with their lips, but in their hearts they harbor deceit. Though their speech is charming, do not believe them, for seven abominations fill their hearts.”

    Proverbs 19:4: “Wealth brings many friends. But even the closest friend of a poor person abandons them.”

    Proverbs 19:6-7: “Many try to win the favor of rulers. And everyone is the friend of a person who gives gifts. Poor people are avoided by their whole family. Their friends avoid them even more. The poor person runs after his friends to beg for help. But they can’t be found.”

    Psalm 38:11: “My friends and companions avoid me because of my wounds. My neighbors stay far away from me.”

    Proverbs 4:14-16: “Don’t take the path of evil people. Don’t live the way sinners do. Stay away from their path and don’t travel on it. Turn away from it and go on your way. Sinners can’t rest until they do what is evil. They can’t sleep until they make someone sin.”

    Psalm 28:3: “Do not drag me away with the wicked, with those who do evil, who speak cordially with their neighbors but harbor malice in their hearts.”

    Proverbs 27:6: “Wounds from a friend can be trusted. But an enemy kisses you many times.”

    Luke 22:47-48: “While Jesus was still speaking, a crowd came up. The man named Judas was leading them. He was one of the 12 disciples. Judas approached Jesus to kiss him. But Jesus asked him, ‘Judas, are you handing over the Son of Man with a kiss?’”

    A Christian Approach to Dealing with Fake Friends and Setting Boundaries

    Your time and energy are limited, so don’t waste any of your valuable resources on fake friendships. By letting go of relationships with fake friends, you’ll be able to build more true friendships with people who are caring and trustworthy. By building boundaries (rules for how to interact in healthy ways) into your friendships, you’ll be helping yourself and your friends enjoy the kind of relationships God wants you to have. Here’s how to deal with fake friends and set boundaries:

    If you already know for sure that someone is a fake friend, end your friendship without guilt. You don’t need to feel guilty about withdrawing from someone who is mistreating you. Remember your incredible worth as one of God’s beloved children. You deserve to be treated well – and if you’re not, you should move on to protect your well-being and live with integrity, rather than compromising for a fake friend.

    Express your feelings and needs honestly. Be open with your friends and about how you feel and what you need, in all situations. Let them know exactly what you need to feel cared for and respected in your relationships with them, and ask them to tell you what they need from you to feel the same. Talk openly about how best to set boundaries for all aspects of your friendship, including how often you communicate, what is appropriate to say to each other, what is acceptable to ask each other to do, how you should agree on decisions that affect you both, and the freedom to share different opinions and agree to disagree respectfully.

    Don’t tolerate disrespect. Whenever a friend doesn’t respect one of your boundaries, call attention to that and refuse to tolerate mistreatment. Let your friends know that you care about them, but you need them to learn to follow healthy boundaries in order for your friendships with them to continue. Affirm your commitment to do the same for them. If arguments happen when you stand up to disrespect, ask God to send you both wisdom and peace to resolve the conflict and move forward with a stronger friendship.

    Focus on friends who want to grow closer to God with you. Fake friendships pull you away from God, while true friendships move you closer to him. Choose friendships with people who want to keep growing in faith along with you, prioritizing spiritual pursuits. In my book Wake Up to Wonder, I explain research that shows how pursuing God’s wonder together with others promotes good behavior in relationships. When people encounter God’s wonder and feel awe, their brains change in ways that lead to goodness. The brain area which establishes the sense of self in the world partially shuts down, while the area that controls emotions becomes more activated and releases dopamine (a chemical that causes people to feel good). As a result, people become more aware of their connection to others and more motivated to choose goodness. People who are focused on God together are naturally able to build good friendships with each other.

    Conclusion

    Learning and applying what the Bible says about fake friends is vital to keeping your friendships healthy. God wants the best for you – in all aspects of your life, including your friendships. When you and your friends center your lives around your relationships with God, God’s love will flow between you, empowering you to enjoy good friendships together.

    Photo Credit: ©GettyImages/DMEPhotography

    Whitney Hopler is the author of the Wake Up to Wonder book and the Wake Up to Wonder blog, which help people thrive through experiencing awe. She leads the communications work at George Mason University’s Center for the Advancement of Well-Being. Whitney has served as a writer, editor, and website developer for leading media organizations, including Crosswalk.com, The Salvation Army USA’s national publications, and Dotdash.com (where she produced a popular channel on angels and miracles). She has also written the young adult novel Dream Factory. Connect with Whitney on Twitter and Facebook.

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  • Remember These 9 Things When Another Christian Disappoints You

    Remember These 9 Things When Another Christian Disappoints You

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    Maybe it’s your pastor or mentor.

    Maybe it’s someone in your Bible study.

    Maybe it’s a famous Christian in the news.

    They’ve sinned. They’ve said they believe one thing and lived like they believed something else. Their life is messier than you could have imagined, and you feel disappointed, angry, confused, disillusioned, sad . . .

    How are we supposed to feel when other Christians miss God’s mark? How can we cope with the chaos other people’s sin creates? What should we say (if anything?)

    Here are nine things to keep in mind when another Christian disappoints you.

    Erin Davis is passionate about pointing young women toward God’s Truth. She is the author of several books and a frequent speaker and blogger to women of all ages. Erin lives on a small farm in the midwest with her husband and kids. When she’s not writing, you can find her herding goats, chickens, and children.

    Image courtesy: Pexels.com

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  • Advice and Safety Tips for Online Dating: An Interview with a Christian Online Dating Expert

    Advice and Safety Tips for Online Dating: An Interview with a Christian Online Dating Expert

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    In her late 40s, Margot Starbuck found herself in unfamiliar territory: the world of dating.

    Divorced after two decades of marriage, and having allowed herself several years to heal, the author of more than 30 books decided to dip her feet into online dating. Her most recent release, The Grown Woman’s Guide to Online Dating: Lessons Learned While Swiping Right, Taking Selfies and Analyzing Emojis, came out of her personal experience and in-depth research.

    Today, she shares pertinent information with women of all ages who find themselves in the unknown world of online dating, including how to get started, how to be authentic, and how to stay safe online.

    Can you start by telling the readers who are new to this how to get started? 

    First, you need to choose the site or sites you will use. There are free sites, sites that are free for an introductory period, sites where you pay from the start, and sites where you can pay for extra perks.

    The easiest rule of thumb when considering what site or sites to use is “you get what you pay for.” On the entirely free sites, you will run into many characters who may not share your values. There will be good eggs, but they may be few and far between. In my experience, people who use paid sites are more serious about finding a match because they are more invested.  

    Once you know whether you want to use a paid or free site, one of the best ways to narrow it down to one or two is to get input from someone in your geographical area who is similar in age, gender, and faith preferences. The best site for me in urban North Carolina may or may not be the best for someone in a rural area.

    What sites have been best for you and why?

    Match and Bumble have worked best for me. I really like the search features on Match. You can search by things like geography, age, and faith preferences. And when you use the desktop version, you can also search by specific keywords, like “artist,” “drummer,” or “Jesus.”

    Bumble was created by a woman. On it, you either swipe right if you like someone or left if you don’t. If you both swipe right, it is the woman’s responsibility to initiate a conversation. Because of this, I believe there are likely more secure men on Bumble. 

    Eharmony has a good reputation, but it’s also pricey. And ChristianMingle is comforting because the word Christian is in the name, but I have not found great matches there.

    Tell us the three most important things to consider when building a profile.

    1. Include what makes you uniquely you. Imagine how many women write “I love the beach. I love coffee. And I love my family.” Those things may be true, but you waste precious real estate by including them because they are not unique to you. So instead, I might say, “On Saturday mornings, I listen to Earth, Wind and Fire while roller-skating on a local trail.” 

    If you have trouble identifying things that are unique to you, ask your friends for help because your friends know what is special about you.

    2. Choose photos well. Include both headshots and full body. We can be tempted to only show headshots or post that picture from six years and 30 pounds ago, but we don’t do ourselves any favors by not having a current photo. And use a variety of photos. Post a picture of you playing baseball with your favorite nephew or one of yourself at painting class or holding your favorite book. When you get more specific, you give men something to take an interest in and respond to.

    3. Don’t be negative, and don’t overshare. It’s easy to complain—about dating apps, about men, about meeting men on dating apps—but you have so little real estate to make a good impression that negativity is a waste of space. Avoiding oversharing is also important. Your former depression or addiction may be a part of who you are, but your profile is not a place to share it. You don’t have to be deceptive, but definitely be selective.

    What are some red flags to be aware of when you are looking to make a connection?

    Some are really obvious. If he announces his favorite sexual position, you know to steer clear. But some things are less obvious. If a guy is overly eager to meet quickly or, on the flip side, is overly reluctant to meet in person, those can both be red flags. (My girlfriend, Char, insists that the man who stood me up for a date was likely in prison.)

    Another thing to pay attention to is whether the guy’s profile is overly disparaging of former partners or, conversely, if it’s too idealistic. If he says something like, “I’m a workaholic now, but once I meet you, I’ll be different,” or “I want someone who completes me,” he may have an unrealistic view of relationships.

    Pay attention and notice what your gut is telling you. 

    As a Christian woman on a dating site, how do you approach the topic of sex?

    We know in our culture that checking the Christian box doesn’t mean you share the same values when it comes to sex. Literally, anyone can check that box, and it may just mean, “My grandparents had me baptized as a baby.”

    If you are saving sex for marriage, make that plain. You can even drop a hint in your profile by saying something like, “I’m not here for a hook-up” or “I’m looking to build a friendship.”

    Here are some code words and phrases to notice when looking at men’s profiles: “open-minded,” “romantic,” “down for Netflix & chill,” and “I expect my partner to be passionate.” Those all can be code for “I want to sleep with you as soon as possible.”

    I have a friend in her 30s who is very up-front about her commitment to save sex for marriage, and she always brings it up within the first couple dates. Because sex and dating is often assumed in our culture (even among those who check the Christian box), I think this is so smart. It takes courage, but it’s so important.

    You mentioned trusting your gut earlier. Can you elaborate on that? Do you have an example of when this worked for you?

    Yes, I have been catfished—when someone is not who they say they are. He said he was a man of faith, but he used overly religious jargon that didn’t sound genuine. He said he was from Norway but living in Atlanta. I don’t really know what a Norwegian accent sounds like, but his voice just didn’t sound right to me. And I didn’t get the sense that he had any friends or community of support. I mentioned it to a friend who did some research. She found that though he claimed to be an architectural professional, he didn’t have a profile on LinkedIn. (That’s not a complete deal-breaker, but most professionals are on LinkedIn.) But he also only had three Facebook friends, and my friend was like, “Margot, he’s not real.” So I ended that one.

    Let’s talk specifically about safety. What are practical things women can do as they invest in the online dating world?

    For an overall posture of safety, you should be suspicious. I know that sounds awful, but don’t assume someone is who they say they are until you’ve seen evidence.

    Be smart and do your research. It’s really easy with Google and social media, and it may save you time and heartache. One guy I connected with said he thought it was stupid for people to Google their matches. So I googled him and found a kind of paparazzi shot of him walking out of a courthouse in a high-profile criminal trial.

    Also, don’t share your personal information, your address, or any photos that you don’t want shared with others. If you want to be particularly careful, get a Google phone number, so your match doesn’t see your real number until you are ready to share it. 

    Also, involve your girlfriends. If something doesn’t feel right, run it past them. Have them help you browse profiles, and when you are ready to meet a match in person, let a friend know where you will be, meet in a very public place and take your own transportation. If you do those three things, it can really protect you.

    Before I let you go, what is your advice for getting out of a relationship or even just out of a connection after meeting in person once or twice?

    My neighbor friend in her 30s has a wonderful template for this. Simply tell them, “I’ve enjoyed meeting you. I don’t think we’re a match, and I wish you well.” I think that language of “we’re not a match” is really helpful in saying goodbye.

    Does the thought of joining a dating site invoke feelings of fear and anxiety—or, worse, insecurity or unworthiness? If so, then The Grown Woman’s Guide to Online Dating is the book for you. With practical advice about how these sites work, what to expect, and when to join and quit, along with proven tips for making the most of them, The Grown Woman’s Guide equips readers with all they need to take the plunge.

    Photo Credit: ©iStock/Getty Images Plus/Tonktiti

    Kim Harms HeadshotKim Harms is an author, speaker, and part-time librarian with two decades of freelance writing experience. She has a degree in English from Iowa State University. She is married to an adventure-lover, and together they have three super-awesome sons, but only the youngest still lives at home. Her book, Life Reconstructed: Navigating the World of Mastectomies and Breast Reconstruction, is a guide for women walking the breast cancer road. She also offers breast cancer resources at her website, kimharms.net. She can be found on Instagram @kimharmslifereconstructed where it turns out that her dog is way more popular than she is, raking in the views when he is the star of her reels.

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    Kim Harms

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