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  • Dear Military Wife, You’re Not Alone

    Dear Military Wife, You’re Not Alone

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    To the military wife and ones who love, support, and desire to encourage her, this one’s for you.

    Life’s not always a bowl of juicy peaches, sweet cherries, or fresh tree-ripened mangoes. Sure, our tenure includes bright sunny seasons sugared with laughter, joy, and good times. But dotted among those experiences and memories simmers a topic many wives refuse to discuss.

    Quiet as the sea mist, though, we bare it and trudge on. Because tradition assumes we should.

    A notion ripples through the military community and civilian world alike. Military wives are a strong batch. Don’t mess with ‘em.

    With a branding of pride, we military wives carry the weight of the world while twirling a dozen virtual dishes. Not a single one falls. Our fix-it know-how seemingly flows better than Bob Vila’s, and if anyone faced Chuck Norris toe-to-toe, it’d be the military spouse. So it seems with this well-touted notion that military wives are be-all, do-all kinds of women. They hold the world together, sewing torn seams on a moment’s need and never, ever, EVER fall apart. 

    Because that’s what military wives do. 

    Or is it?

    We feel pressured to stand strong one hundred percent of the time, never faltering or allowing weakness to see the crack of day, let alone shine brightly for all to see.

    Because that’s what’s expected. But by whom?

    Are we falling prey to those thoughts? Is it the enemy’s ploy in this unseen battle for the heart, bending us toward self-sufficiency, shame, or pride when, in truth, weakness, holy confidence, and an overwhelming need for an Almighty God trump all else?

    Military wife, you’re not alone.

    Don’t fall prey to the notion. It’s okay to wobble with weak knees, to raise a hand for help, to showcase those vulnerabilities stuffed for far too long.

    Because when we are weak, He is strong.

    You’re not alone. Trust this. Our Father abandons not His loved ones.

    Military wives experience heavy feelings at times. The worn and torn, I’m-ready-to-fall-apart, I-can’t-do-it chorus sounding on replay can nearly do us in. However, tuning into to the truth, we find hope.

    We’re not alone. God is with us.

    It’s okay to allow our weaknesses and imperfections the light of day, because often then we see the power and work of God.

    I came to my realization of this after a rough journey.

    In 2006, my husband deployed. Again. We were building a house in the North Carolina countryside on some acreage—the slower-paced, rural life we’d longed to offer our three children was morphing into reality. The house was to be completed before my husband shipped out. Instead, we faced multiple construction delays, leaving me to sell our existing home, close on the new house, and move with three youngsters in tow. Tagging along was a long punch list of items headlined by mineral issues in the water, which left me stumped. It brought a rise of frustration I found difficult to shake, and I spiraled downward.

    To add to this list of issues, my husband and I felt guided by the Lord to homeschool our children—all this around the time he deployed. My selfish bent pined for those quiet moments while the oldest was at school. Erase that with homeschooling. What about “me” time? After all, I’d be the pseudo-single parent.

    I focused on the negatives versus the wonderful opportunity we faced. Negative self-talk became the norm.

    Other wives could handle this. Why couldn’t I?

    Why did I react like a deer in the headlights whenever fresh problems arose?

    Would history pen me as the world’s only weak military wife?

    A declaration of godly obedience somehow surfaced, though. By golly, I’d obey God no matter what it took. Buckle up. Pull up the bootstraps. I was a military wife. Pride and self-sufficiency took the wheel. Again.

    And so I trudged forward with hubby half a world away, punch list in hand, and kids at my heels.

    I refused to ask for help or share about my struggle. In all honesty, knowing how to do either was part of the problem. 

    And the spiral continued.

    A few friends and a long-distance relative expressed concern. I held them at bay. Shouldn’t I be able to handle daily life? Others did. I determined to hold the world together in my husband’s absence—whatever the cost.

    So I continued forward, until one night, the weight proved heavier than typical. I stood beside my bed and considered ending it all. Loneliness kept me company. Desperation and exhaustion, too. I needed a way out from under the heaviness, and life seemed to offer no other options.

    The lie touted its goods. Shame heaped on top of it because any “good” Christian wouldn’t teeter like I was. Surely.

    The enemy wove those thoughts, threading a mindset that he could kill, steal, or destroy. After all, that’s Satan’s ploy. As children of God, we’re to be on call against this deception—to resist it, flee, and stand firm on the foundation of Jesus Christ. And sometimes, as Aaron and Hur did with Moses as Joshua battled, then defeated the Amalekites (Exodus 17), we need fellow arm-holders. Others. People. And the God who strengthens us to win spiritual battles.

    That night, I curled up in bed and continued until the deployment ended. I’m grateful to God.

    I never sought outside help but should have. Over several months, and with wisdom from Above, healing came. We moved out of the Carolina house and headed to Joint Base Pearl Harbor Hickam in Hawaii. There, through a conversation with a fellow Navy wife, I realized the truth. Other spouses struggle, too.

    I realized I wasn’t broken or weak after all. And most definitely not alone. 

    These women battle against emotional lows, feelings of overwhelm and weakness, exhaustion, and even the “d” word: depression. It happens, and it’s okay to not have it all together—to need and ask for help.

    Because when we are weak, then He is strong. And God’s strength causes mankind’s to pale. Under His wings, friend, we rest in safety. We’re wise to run to Him.

    A few practical tips include searching for a local friend or two. Try church, small cell groups, moms or military organizations, or in the neighborhood. With wisdom, doors open to share about daily life with authenticity and transparency. Prayer helps, too, as does digging into God’s word. So does bartering with a trusted friend for babysitting services and pushing ourselves to take that step and ask for help. 

    For those who love and want to see military spouses succeed, offer help regularly, and put action to words. Don’t wait, simply bring that meal. Listen. Help put up the Christmas tree or offer to watch the kids during doctor appointments or grocery runs. Mow the yard. Invite them to your dinner table, and don’t be afraid to share, because real friends challenge us and whisper the hard truths when others won’t.

    National Military Appreciation Month and Mental Health Awareness Month occur in May. Military Spouse Appreciation Day is observed on the 12th as well. So when that day rolls around and for the remaining three-hundred-sixty-four days each year, know that you are appreciated, military wife. Dearly.

    God sees you, and He is near. Friends, too.

    Be strong in His mighty power, and carry on, beautiful one. Because of Christ, you’ve got this—even if some pieces fall along the way.

    “‘Behold, I am with you always, even to the end of the age.’” Amen. (Matthew 28:20 WEB)

    With gratitude to the King of Kings, 

    Kristi

    Photo Credit: ©Pexels/Wyatt

    Kristi Woods is a writer, podcaster, and speaker—but mostly a Jesus girl. She offers a free 30-Day Psalms Bible reading plan, Bible studies, prayers, and other faith-building tools for a deeper walk with God at www.KristiWoods.net. You’ll also find her new podcast, Intentional Living with Kristi Woods at LifeAudio.com.  Kristi, her handsome, retired-from-the-Navy husband, and their three children survived a nomadic, military lifestyle and have set roots in Oklahoma—where she keeps a close watch for tornadoes and good chocolate.

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  • Is Ephesians 4:26 Perfect Marriage Advice?

    Is Ephesians 4:26 Perfect Marriage Advice?

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    A common bridal shower activity is to offer advice to the soon-to-be-wife on how to make this marriage work for a lifetime. A popular piece of advice is to ‘not go to bed angry with one another.” This idea actually comes from the Bible!

    Ephesians 4:26 says, “In your anger do not sin: Do not let the sun go down while you are still angry.” This section of Scripture is a list giving the early believers instructions for Christian Living. The verses also highlight the need to be honest, not steal, work hard, avoid unwholesome talk, avoid anger, be kind, show compassion, and offer forgiveness. This is a beautiful list that helps us understand the Christian life that Jesus desires us to pursue. These words also offer wonderful advice on how to be a loving spouse. Anger, dishonesty, unkind words, rage, unforgiveness, and a lack of empathy all have the power to destroy our relationships. We need the power of the Holy Spirit at work in our life to live this way!

    Is it okay then to wait until morning to work through your anger when conflict arises in your marriage?

    I am married to a man who has many times expressed that if he gets heated in a conversation, it is best if we table it and revisit this at a later date. As the big feeler in our home, I have trouble stepping away from conflict. Throughout our marriage, we have had to compromise in how we agree to handle fights, and this is still very much a work-in-progress for us.

    Here are a few ideas on how to manage marriage conflict biblically:

    1. Agree to Take a Time-out From the Argument

    Sometimes you find yourself in a very heated dispute, and there can feel like there is no way out of this tense conversation. This can lead to conflict escalation and often does not lead to a good place. Yet, I have found that as the one who wants to hash things out, I need to know that we will take up the subject again and not just brush it off because it feels too hard to address.

    A good way to de-escalate a conversation that has gotten your blood boiling is to choose together to table the topic until an agreed-upon time that you will revisit the conversation. Stepping back can give you a chance to control your emotions better. Once you have hit that fight-or-flight stress response in a situation, logic is no longer heard, and emotions are all that are ruling the interaction.

    A few tips to make sure this strategy is utilized in a helpful way include:

    Decide ahead of time that time-outs are okay. Don’t wait until you are in the middle of an argument to say I need a break. Stepping away during a fight without communicating this can feel like avoidance/abandonment and can make things worse.

    Communicate that you need a time-out. If you find yourself getting upset, choose a way that works for you to calmly state you need a break. Do not storm off.

    Make time-outs short. To the point from Ephesians that we should not let the sun go down on our anger, we should not let these arguments drag on without resolving the issue. Our relationships are the most valuable thing we have in this life, and making sure we are living in unity with one another should be a top priority.

    Take time to calm yourself down and come up with a new approach. Don’t use this time to fester on all the ways your spouse is wrong but take advantage of this break in the conversation to calm your mind and body so you can get back on the same page as your partner.

    Return to the conversation and resolve the conflict. When you come back to the conversation, calmly talk through the issue at hand. Remember that you are on the same team. Conflict is not the goal but working together to find a reasonable resolution is in the best interest of your marriage.

    2. Focus on Improving Your Communication Skills

    Cultivating positive communication skills in your marriage looks a lot like working to live out the fruits of the spirit. We have to practice these skills every day before conflict arises, so we are better able to de-escalate fights when they break out. Some useful phrases that can help you better express yourself in order to help diffuse tense conversations include using “I feel” statements, “I need to calm down” statements, “I am sorry” statements, and “I appreciate” statements.

    When we make sure we are using “I” rather than “you” in a tough moment, it helps us avoid placing blame on our partner when we are trying to communicate about a situation that we are feeling concerned about. Blame statements and words like “always” or “never” can very quickly add flame to the fire.

    Conflict is inevitable when merging the lives of two imperfect people, but being prepared for the best way to speak to one another when these situations arise can help us avoid allowing anger and bitterness to grow in our marriages. When we allow anger to grow, we give the Devil a foothold to slowly tear apart our homes.

    3. Work to Empathize with Your Spouse

    Conflict happens when we feel attacked by our partners. Our anger grows because we feel threatened, hurt, or unseen by our partners. Empathy helps us selflessly set aside our own feelings for a moment to hear and see the position of our husbands or wives. When you feel your blood pressure starting to rise because of something your partner has said or done, take a deep breath and pause to visualize how they must be feeling in that moment.

    What is it that they truly are trying to say to you? Is their snippy tone due to them being stressed or exhausted? Can you respond by asking them how they are doing rather than responding in kind? Empathy helps us see past our own feelings of hurt and into what the issue really is at that moment.

    I know from personal experience that there has been almost nothing my husband and I have fought about that was worth being so very angry about. These terrible fights have really resulted from exhaustion, worry, stress, anxiety, disconnection, or carelessness. If one of us had the ability to see the other in these moments, these huge fights could have been resolved. If one of us had been willing to lay down our right to be offended and ask about how the other was doing, the fight would have never happened. We are working hard on this, but fifteen years in our pride seems to continue to make living in unity hard.

    We can apply Ephesians 4 to our marriages in one crucial way; we should never let anger and bitterness grow in our hearts toward one another. If you decide to make up before bed or talk it out first thing in the morning, what matters most is that you don’t let moments of anger and conflict steal all the joy and connection from our union. The unity that is supposed to define our marriage relationships cannot thrive when anger, unforgiveness, unkindness, dishonesty, and unrighteous living go unchecked in our lives. Christian living and the gracious power of the Holy Spirit at work in our lives is what it takes to make a marriage work.

    Related articles:

    How to Have Conflict in Your Marriage without the Combat

    Why the Bible Says to Never Go to Bed Angry

    8 Ways to Communicate More Effectively in Your Marriage

    Photo credit: ©GettyImages/PeopleImages

    Amanda Idleman is a writer whose passion is to encourage others to live joyfully. She writes devotions for My Daily Bible Verse Devotional and Podcast, Crosswalk Couples Devotional, the Daily Devotional App, she has work published with Her View from Home, on the MOPS Blog, and is a regular contributor for Crosswalk.com. She has most recently published a devotional, Comfort: A 30 Day Devotional Exploring God’s Heart of Love for Mommas. You can find out more about Amanda on her Facebook Page or follow her on Instagram.

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    Amanda Idleman

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  • 4 Reasons Why We Have a Hard Time Talking about Loneliness

    4 Reasons Why We Have a Hard Time Talking about Loneliness

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    In society, we are bombarded by media as well as social media. We live in a world that’s more connected than ever. Yet so many people are lonelier than ever. This is especially true for people within the church.

    Although we may feel like we’re really connected to people, the reality is we have people in our lives that know the least about us. We go to church on Sunday, grab a cup of coffee, worship the Lord, and then leave without anyone even saying hello or wanting to know more about us.

    This contributes to a superficial level of communication that we think solves the problem of loneliness. Not only that, but people often don’t want to talk about loneliness as Christians because they feel if they do, they’re not connected to God, or they’ll be judged in some way.

    We all experience loneliness from time to time. Jesus himself went to lonely places to pray. Loneliness can be a good thing if we take the time to be alone to examine our thoughts and analyze behaviors.

    However, people often put on a fake smile when in church or at work. It’s difficult to tell people that we’re lonely. Here are some reasons why people don’t like to talk about loneliness.

    1. We Believe Something Is Wrong with Us

    As a pastor’s wife, I often get ostracized in my local church. It is difficult for me to achieve intimacy with people in the congregation.

    Because people think they can’t be real in front of me because I might tell my husband what we discuss, it only increases the amount of loneliness and the desperate need for affection in the community.

    You may feel because you don’t have friends or connect with people often, people will think and believe there’s something wrong with you. God created community for a reason.

    Communities afford us fellowship with one another. You can’t have community without isolation. Yet it is important for us to be alone so God can speak to us.

    2. We Don’t Want Pity

    Once we start talking about how lonely we are to others, people feel like they must meet up with us out of guilt.

    People don’t want to feel lonely because they feel like they’re being punished or their personality is too hard to deal with. Yet God created us all individually with a purpose and a plan.

    God speaks through prophetic visions and dreams, but if we’re not alone long enough to hear from him, we can’t achieve deeper intimacy with God.

    People often want to avoid loneliness by turning on a television or music just to take away the fact that they have no one around them.

    Loneliness can come in a couple of forms: we can feel lonely because no one knows us, or we feel lonely even with a crowd of people around us. Either way, you can use that loneliness to your advantage and take time to be with God.

    3. We Don’t Want to Be Vulnerable

    People don’t like to talk about loneliness because they must deal with issues buried deep in the soul. People don’t like talking about loneliness because it seems like a bad thing. But loneliness isn’t always bad. Here are some ways loneliness is a good thing.

    First, it gives us a deeper relationship with the Savior. Although God can speak in any capacity he wishes, it is more difficult when we are surrounded by other technologies that don’t allow the Lord to speak.

    By being alone, I can read the Word in more depth and ask God to share his deep thoughts with me. But I can’t do that if I’m with people constantly.

    Second, it allows me to pray. Scripture says we should “pray without ceasing.” This means praying continuously throughout the day. But this is hard to accomplish at work or at home with their families.

    If Jesus found it appropriate to get up early, go to lonely places, and pray, then we should too. We should begin every day with this time of silence and aloneness, ready to hear from God and pray we give over to him every need and desire we have.

    Third, when we are lonely, it gives us an opportunity to commune with God through his Word.  When we are lonely, the first thing we should grab is the Bible. If we grab for other things, such as music, television, or food or drink, we need to analyze why we’re doing it.

    Loneliness is there for a reason. We need to make new friends and commune with people whom we trust. The lonelier we are, the more untrusting we become. We become untrustworthy individuals when we are alone for long periods of time.

    When we’re going about our day, it is easy to think we don’t need anyone. This creates independence when we should be in community. Analyze your church and see if there are people who are in similar situations, backgrounds, or ages as you.

    Strive to increase your fellowship this year by participating in events or simply exercise your gift to hospitality by having people over your home. Some of the best moments I’ve communed with God were not in the Sunday church service but rather having people over at my home.

    The ability to become vulnerable eradicates superficiality when we are at home. This will help you not feel lonely but realize that people accept you as you are.

    4. We Fear Rejection

    Loneliness can make us feel rejected and unaccepted. Some of people’s deepest needs of acceptance and approval from others. Although we are to run to God with our needs, fellowship does have its place.

    When we are being encouraged by our local church brothers and sisters, we get rid of loneliness and embrace community. As you meet with people regularly, you will find any critical spirit you may have made all but dissipate.

    Loneliness can be difficult at times. But there’s hope. By sharing fellowship with people and engaging in real fellowship, you will experience acceptance and approval like never before. We all need people to hold their hands up when we are struggling.

    That is part of the whole community in your life. When we are absent from that community, we experience loneliness. Holiness is also a lure for the enemy to speak lies into our lives. If gone unchecked, those lies can become what we believe.

    When we exchange the Word of God for a lie, we don’t experience an interdependent life in Christ. If we can learn to be in fellowship and accept people as they are, we can speak into their lives when they’re struggling.

    We were never meant to do life on our own. Throughout Scripture, we see disciples going out two by two. Adam had Eve and there are many other examples of people who were never alone on their journey. Above all, you know that God has not left you. He’s there more than you realize.

    Loneliness can be the catalyst for us to experience true community as we become more vulnerable and allow others to accept us as we are. When we do, we experience an intimate relationship with God like never before.

    For further reading:

    What Does the Bible Say about Loneliness?

    hristianity.com/wiki/god/can-god-help-us-in-our-loneliness.html”>Can God Help Us in Our Loneliness?

    How Does the Bible Help with My Loneliness?

    5 Ways to Overcome Loneliness in Your Marriage

    Photo Credit: ©iStock/Getty Images Plus/martin-dm

    Michelle S. Lazurek is a multi-genre award-winning author, speaker, pastor’s wife, and mother. She is a literary agent for Wordwise Media Services and a certified writing coach. Her new children’s book Who God Wants Me to Be encourages girls to discover God’s plan for their careers. When not working, she enjoys sipping a Starbucks latte, collecting 80s memorabilia, and spending time with her family and her crazy dog. For more info, please visit her website www.michellelazurek.com.

    This article originally appeared on Christianity.com. For more faith-building resources, visit

    Christianity.com. Christianity.com

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  • 8 Ways You Are Belittling Your Husband and What God Says about It

    8 Ways You Are Belittling Your Husband and What God Says about It

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    It is no leap to say Christians have been affected by the ripples of the re-definition of gender and their roles. Just because we maintain Genesis 1:27 that God created male and female, does not mean that we have fully guarded against some other ideologies this overarching campaign is pushing, specifically, how wives relate to their husbands.

    That Hideous Strength is C.S. Lewis’s third installment in his “Space Trilogy.” We meet Jane and Mark Studdock, a young, unhappily married couple. She is a housewife, lonely and desperate for some other meaning. She is desolate, partly because Mark’s chief concern is to gain as much social standing at his college as he can, reaching the “inner circle” of influence.

    Jane realizes she is just playing a social role in his life rather than serving as a teammate. They find themselves on opposite sides of the great battle in the end: Mark working for N.I.C.E. and Jane following Dr. Ransom, Merlin, and their motley crew, combatting one another for control over the physical world. In other words, their love has grown cold as they only weigh and make meaning of themselves independently from the other.

    The book has many social and spiritual commentaries on marriage (especially when you pit the Studdocks against the Dimbles, an older married couple who are faithful to one another by not taking this life too seriously), but I want to zoom in on one enlightening moment for Jane.

    In her time spent with the likes of Dr. Ransom, the Dimbles, the Director, and others, she overheard them talking about matters of religion. In hopes that she would soon find a solution to her problem with Mark and her loneliness, she leans into this conversation, for even she knows that religion is of a higher order because it has the ability to govern and rule man, bringing order to her feelings of captivity.

    “…’religion’ ought to mean a realm in which her haunting female fear of being treated as a thing, an object of barter and desire and possession, would be set permanently at rest and what she called her “true self” would soar upwards. [But they] never talked about religion… they talked about God… rather of strong, skillful hands thrust down to make, and mend, and perhaps destroy. Supposing one were a thing after all—a thing designed and invented by Someone Else and valued for qualities quite different from what one had decided to regard as one’s true self?”

    It makes sense to follow that line of thinking from Jane: breaking down something like a fear, paradigm, or even out from under a stereotype would leave her feeling a bit drab. Victorious, yes. But work like that is exhausting, especially for Jane, who is on a quest to “free herself.” She has, no doubt, looked to many avenues to bring relief to feeling owned and bartered. It’s not until this new company of hers inadvertently directs her attention upward that her interest is fully piqued.

    It is also logical to track the ideation that if you feel oppressed, you need to work as hard as possible to un-oppress yourself. Because if you feel anything featureless or unsavory, you are no longer within the bounds of your true self. You must rise from that.

    And this is where many wives can quickly find themselves, but maybe in a much more subtle way. I would venture to say that getting married and bearing children is a part of most people’s thought trajectory when planning their lives. I would continue that venture to include that not many “count the cost” of marriage and family. Where that can quickly leave a woman is to convince herself that her true self is gone, leaving a piddly shell of a servant in its place.

    I do not think that what follows is, “I have lost my true self; therefore, I must now abuse my marriage by depreciating my husband.” In fact, it’s not nearly as well-thought-out as that. The drifting that occurs when we are not in perpetual union with Christ (Hebrews 2) has ripple effects like wandering from our role as wife, helper, encourager, and teammate. Drifting is sneaky and brutally subtle. In the same way we search our hearts for idols so we do not transgress the first and second commandments, we must also survey our attitudes towards our callings in the home, starting with our covenant relationship.

    Submit in Everything

    Before I discuss ways that wives disparage their husbands (either accidentally or intentionally), you must remember two basic truths about God’s standard for marriage; furthermore, wives have to work hard to acclimate their tastes and desires toward just that.

    First, marriage is a covenant recognized by God.

    Mark 10:7–9 says, “‘Therefore a man shall leave his father and mother and hold fast to his wife, and the two shall become one flesh.’ So they are no longer two but one flesh. What therefore God has joined together, let not man separate.”

    It is easy to forget the importance of words when we are living in a way that we say whatever is on our minds. When you said your vows in front of witnesses on your (I’m certain, beautiful) wedding day, I hope the covenant aspect spoken through words was more thought out than the gown, flowers, and honeymoon. On that day, your marriage became your most important earthly relationship.

    Second, Ephesians 5:22–24: “Wives, submit to your own husbands, as to the Lord. For the husband is the head of the wife even as Christ is the head of the church, his body, and is himself its Savior. Now as the church submits to Christ, so also wives should submit in everything to their husbands.”

    I have zero interest in arguing over the definition of “submission” here—it comes down to the fact that we must align ourselves with Scripture. We can give God a 1-star review all we want, but the energy from our word-dodging will not affect God’s economy in any way.

    I would like to focus on the last part of verse 24, where Scripture says “in everything.” Wives, this means no part of your life should go untouched by your husband: clothes, thoughts, diet, child rearing, entertainment, friendships, vocation, intimacy. Everything means the whole enterprise, and God is very clear about that.

    How a Wife Can Belittle Her Husband:

    Not respecting your husband has so many manifestations. Bottom line, it is any choice or behavior that aims to put yourself before your husband. Here are just a few ideas (with very little commentary) of how this plays out in our day:

    1. Talking about him and your marriage to anyone he has not explicitly approved. 

    Ladies Night Out is dangerous for this very reason—husband bashing. Of course, women will understand you better than your own husband, but being understood is not what is set out before us. Holiness is.

    2. Asking for counsel about anything in your life from anyone else besides first taking it to him (that includes Facebook!). 

    We are to submit to our husbands in everything, which helps clarify the question, “Should I really bother him about _____?” You will be surprised at how beautifully simple a husband can decide from our often-muddy waters of overthinking.

    3. Seeking attention and worth from anything you are involved in (again—that includes social media!). 

    Your meaning is from your union in Christ and not your husband, either. However, it is easy to find yourself like Jane in wanting to find your “true selves”—confess this to your husband and ask for guidance.

    4. Neglecting to directly point out why you respect him or directing your kids to do so.

    A social media sentiment should not be your first avenue for honoring him.

    5. Not practicing hospitality with him first. 

    Wives, please don’t save the best dishes, fluffiest hand towels, sweetest energy, and best late-night conversation for your friends and neighbors.

    6. Focusing on something he thinks isn’t worth you or your time. 

    Give your husband the rundown of what consumes your thoughts: losing weight, going back to college, enrolling your kids in school, taking a dance class, baking bread, adopting a child, painting the house. Ask him what you should lay down and what you should pursue, and then walk joyfully in that. This also includes that “nagging wife” from Proverbs 21—if it’s not something your husband wants the family to work toward, then let it be.

    7. Stealing away leadership. 

    Sometimes a wife can have her mind made up about how something will go before she even consults her husband about it. It does not matter if she knows the children and their needs more instinctively than he does; the husband is the head of the family, and the wife belittles him when she assumes that role.

    8. General discontentment. 

    Managing a home (Titus 2) is hard work because it is never truly done. Beautiful, chubby little faces with sticky hands will certainly undo almost everything a wife has just done. Clothes will always need to be washed. People will always need to eat. Dogs who aren’t supposed to shed will undoubtedly always shed. White clothes lose their luster, something always needs to be fixed, and who really wants to spend time cleaning out the produce drawer? The hardest part about our work is maintaining a content and joyful attitude. It is one of the most respectful things we can do for our husbands.

    Bringing it All Home

    In Matthew 12:25, Jesus says, “Every kingdom divided against itself is laid waste, and no city or house divided against itself will stand.” Since man and wife become one flesh in marriage, any time a wife demeans her husband, she is attempting to divide that one flesh. A marriage that is laid waste cannot reflect Christ and the Church.

    Because that’s what all this is about—going back to Ephesians 5, that Christ is the head of the church like the husband is the head of the wife. We submit to our husbands as to the Lord. This is an immense gift because we have a tangible, daily reminder of this posture that our good God requires of all Christians. After all, submission demands humility.

    God never tells us not to be great, but he gives us directions on how to get there: “Whoever exalts himself will be humbled, and whoever humbles himself will be exalted” (Matthew 23:12). That is what Jane was truly after. Her “true self” would never manifest by exalting herself, for there was simply nowhere for her to rise. 

    Finally, the Director tidies it up for Jane regarding her marriage and ultimately for her Christian life: “They would say,” he answered, “that you do not fail in obedience through lack of love, but have lost love because you never attempted obedience.”

    Photo credit: ©Getty Images/Vadym Pastukh

    Kate Stevens is a worshiper, wife, and mom, and with the help of the Lord, that is her hierarchy of work. Beyond this, she works with the youth and children at her church and edits as a freelancer. She enjoys reading, writing, running, cooking, and practicing thinking pure and lovely things. 

    After being unsure if they ever wanted children, the Lord eventually blessed Kate and her husband Clint after nearly three years of waiting. They welcomed their first daughter in 2011, another daughter in 2013, and yet another daughter in 2016. Kate considers this her most time-consuming, emotion-full, sanctifying, not always pretty but trusting in the Lord’s plan, and blessed work. Stuck in a house with four females, her husband Clint consistently reminds Kate of her identity and union in Christ. 

    You can read more of Kate’s work here.

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  • Why Are We to Weep for Those Who Weep?

    Why Are We to Weep for Those Who Weep?

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    In just a few days, it will have been a year since my mom slipped away from this world and entered the arms of Jesus. Easter was the last holiday we celebrated.

    I remember it like it was yesterday. Our family all sat in the living room joking and laughing about who knows what, recalling the good ‘ole times.

    But, while I have no recollection of our conversation, I do remember sitting right next to my mom, placing a hand on her knee a few times, like I always do as I share stories. It’s my go-to tendency. And her smile. Her radiant smile as I went on and on, story after story, and she just listened.

    I miss that.

    The days after came with some pretty harsh realities. We are never fully prepared for the loss of a loved one, especially one that was loved so very dearly.

    The echoing sounds of hospital beeps and doctors dosing out the unthinkable diagnosis replayed in my mind for weeks, causing me to slip into a state I had never been in before.

    I can still remember watching my dad (who is the calmest and most sincere man you will ever meet) break down, hitting the side of the hospital wall with his fist, wailing in a way I had never heard.

    After the whirlwind of services and standing before a bunch of family and friends to deliver a speech about my mom that I somehow managed to get through without too many tears, I had moments in which I sat alone and cried until I had no tears left.

    Pain does that. Greif can trigger all sorts of emotions. I tell you this story because after about a week of my precious mom being gone, I had a dear friend not only bring over dinner but sit with me. She didn’t really talk, but rather listened — intently. Then she did something that moved me beyond words. She wept with me!

    I never told her how much that meant to me. The notion of her recognizing my sorrow and grief meant more to me than she will probably ever know.

    As one that has experienced grief a few times on this journey, I have begun to learn and understand to an extent, the impact we can have on others when they undergo turmoil and pain. It’s in these times that we can be the hands and feet of Jesus (Matthew 18:8).

    Jesus Is Our Example

    Maybe the sound of weeping with others makes you feel a tad bit uncomfortable. I can understand that, but as believers, we are actually commanded to be humble servants of the Lord.

    Let’s dive into Romans and take a look at what that actually looks like. The entire Book of Romans is chockful of wisdom, given to us in Paul’s letters, touching greatly upon God’s grace and salvation.

    Since the human heart and mind naturally bends towards sin and can easily get swayed by the things of this world, God gave us a redemption plan with Jesus.

    Jesus came to live a human life as an example for us. Jesus shows us how to love others, not just with words or simple actions, but to love with selfless sacrifice.

    Romans 12:9 tells us that love is sincere. We are called to love one another as brothers and sisters in Christ, honoring one another higher than ourselves (Romans 12:10). We are to be joyful in hope, patient in affliction, faithful in prayer, and practice hospitality (Romans 12:12-13).

    Love is an act of selflessness. Loving like Jesus calls us to a place of surrendering ourselves to someone else’s needs, doing so with gentleness, kindness, compassion, and mercy. Romans 12:15 calls us to take it a step further and to weep for those who weep.

    What Does Weeping Really Mean?

    Weeping for those who are mourning or in sorrow is to simply have mercy and show empathy. In other words, it is to share in one’s painful experience, acknowledging what they are going through by matching their emotion.

    While we may not be moved to physical tears, it invites us to serve those in pain by being led and moved by the Holy Spirit (Galatians 5:22). It gives us the opportunity to love mercifully and carry their burden, bringing us to a place where we not only recognize their sorrow but feel it as well.

    There are several instances in which Jesus wept. While we portray Jesus in many lights, from bold like a lion to meek and gentle as a lamb, Jesus was a man that suffered grief and deep loss. Jesus knew about sorrow and mourning and modeled for us how to comfort those who are hurting.

    Jesus wept when He heard of His friend Lazarus and was met by Mary, who fell at His feet in pure anguish. It is said that when Jesus saw Mary weeping that it moved Him deeply and troubled Him (John 11:33).

    Jesus also wept over the town of Jerusalem during His triumphal entry, riding on a lowly donkey, all the while knowing His fate. Yet He wept not for Himself, but for this city.

    As the people lowered their palm branches and proclaimed, “Blessed is the king who comes in the name of the Lord” (Luke 19: 38), Jesus saw a crowd of people that were lost and in search of peace (Luke 19:42).

    Jesus also wept in prayer and supplication. We see Him do this in Hebrews 5:7. Jesus offers up prayers for the people, just as high priests did at this time. Jesus is showing His human nature and ways we, too, can step into the role of tenderness for those that need comfort.

    We Are Called to Weep Like Jesus

    Jesus sets the tone for us in the way we can gently love others who are weary and gripped by tears.

    1. Tap into your tender side. It can feel somewhat awkward and uncomfortable witnessing someone who is weeping, maybe even causing us to retreat, but Jesus’ actions remind us that compassion is not only needed but expected of us as believers.

    Showing compassion can be as simple as listening or extending a hug. These actions show that you are troubled and saddened by their state. This also acknowledges their pain, helping them feel seen instead of bringing them more pain by feeling forgotten.

    2. Notice the non-verbal cues. Many times, it is the internal weeping that we fail to recognize. If you recognize that a person is acting differently or seems withdrawn, seek God’s wisdom on how to reach out to them and check-in. Just a sweet text or call could mean so much. 

    3. Recognize the power of your prayers. When we reach out to God and ask for peace and comfort for those who are weeping, it does two things: recognizes God as the ultimate comforter and invites us to gain wisdom on how to love others better.

    So, pray for those that need comfort and ask God to bring them a source of everlasting hope and timely healing.

    A Closing Prayer

    Lord, we humble ourselves before You, seeking Your love and forgiveness where we fail to love others the way You have so graciously shown us. Please soften our hearts and help us learn what it means to truly weep with those who weep and follow Your beautiful example. Help us gently walk beside those in deep pain and show compassion with our actions. Amen.

    For further reading:

    https://www.christianity.com/wiki/bible/significance-of-jesus-wept-in-the-face-of-death.html”>What Is the Meaning and Significance of ‘Jesus Wept’?

    How Should Christians Respond to Dark Days?

    Does God Cry with Us?

    Photo Credit: ©iStock/Getty Images Plus/ Hispanolistic

    Alicia Searl is a devotional author, blogger, and speaker that is passionate about pouring out her heart and pointing ladies of all ages back to Jesus. She has an education background and master’s in literacy.  Her favorite people call her Mom, which is why much of her time is spent cheering them on at a softball game or dance class. She is married to her heartthrob (a tall, spiky-haired blond) who can whip up a mean latte. She sips that goodness while writing her heart on a page while her puppy licks her feet. Visit her website at aliciasearl.com and connect with her on Instagram and Facebook.

    This article originally appeared on Christianity.com. For more faith-building resources, visit

    Christianity.com. Christianity.com

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  • 5 Acts of Love Necessary for a Strong and Lasting Marriage

    5 Acts of Love Necessary for a Strong and Lasting Marriage

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    Finding surprise places to hide them is part of the fun. Maybe yesterday wasn’t a very good day at work. A note that says, “Hope your day is better today,” could make all the difference. Put a small note with a heart on it expressing how thankful you are for them in her purse or his wallet. On her pillow or his bathroom sink, leave a little surprise to add to their collection. Don’t leave the children out of this.

    One night after dinner, we were lingering at the table. Our middle child was always complaining about her position in the family. All of a sudden, her dad and I began to argue about who loved her the most. You could see the surprise and joy on her face as she listened to our argument. Finally, everyone began to leave the table. But for that middle child, the rest of the night and beyond, she had a bigger smile on her face, especially when she was with us.

    Use candy as a special treat. A chocolate kiss can be attached to a note that reads, “Here’s a kiss for you.” A $100,000 bar could be attached to a note that reads, “You are worth more than $100,000 to me.”

    One of the most treasured things I found when cleaning out my parent’s house was a drawer filled with notes my dad had written my mother at some time during their marriage. It showed me the importance of writing notes and sharing fun little “thinking-of-you” gifts. Any item that says “I am thinking of you” is like gold to the recipient.

    Photo credit: ©shironosov

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    Linda Gilden

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  • 4 Things to Consider When Grieving Your Spiritual Mentor’s Death

    4 Things to Consider When Grieving Your Spiritual Mentor’s Death

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    The pastor, author, and broadcaster entered his eternal home a few days ago.

    Perhaps you supported In Touch Ministries or worshiped at First Baptist Church Atlanta or considered him your spiritual shepherd. It makes sense if his passing affects you.

    I can relate. While I wasn’t familiar with Dr. Stanley or his ministry, my own spiritual mentor also transitioned to heaven earlier this year. Dr. Jack Hayford—founder of the King’s University and the Church on the Way, as well as a prolific author who also composed 500 songs, including Majesty—died in January.

    The death of Pastor Jack Hayford and now Dr. Stanley prompted a timely question. What do we do after the death of someone we’ve fed from spiritually?

    Whether you’re grieving the loss of these godly men or another spiritual giant, here are a few thoughts for your consideration.

    1. Live Their Legacy

    Of all the messages your late spiritual mentor taught, is there a topic or theme that grips your heart the most? Has his or her life exemplified a notable aspect of the Word that transformed you? Then live that message out.

    I’ll give you an example. The bulk of my foundational Christian beliefs came straight from Pastor Jack. But one of the most impactful lessons I caught from him had to do with his regular prayer campaigns for Los Angeles. He taught, “It’s impossible to hate those you pray for.”

    Hearing this on repeat—and cutting my intercessory teeth on prayer circles, what we used to do during Sunday services—induced in me a love for prayer and LA.

    The fact that I still intercede for my city, nation, and the world on a daily basis is a testament to

    Pastor Jack’s ministry and his persistent emphasis on prayer.

    2. Godly Jealousy

    Paul utilized this phrase in his second letter to the Corinthian church (2 Corinthians 11:2) to describe his longing for them to remain faithful to Christ. I’m using the term differently here, so I hope he’ll forgive me for repurposing his phrase.

    Whenever a saint—that is, a believer in Christ—dies, I find myself feeling godly jealousy. I wish I could be in heaven too.

    (As a quick aside, this is another lesson I learned from pastor Jack: that the New Testament, like Acts 26:10 and 1 Corinthians 1:2, refer to Christians as saints.)

    Right now, Dr. Stanley and Pastor Jack are reveling in the presence of the Lord, no doubt hearing Him announce, “Well done, good and faithful servant” (Matthew 25:23). I wonder if angels are ushering them into their due rewards as we speak. After all, rewards await the faithful (Isaiah 40:10, Matthew 10:41-42, Mark 9:41, Revelation 22:12).

    Enjoying God’s glory forever, interacting directly with the Lover of our soul, is far more attractive than puttering around in this sin-encrusted world (Philippians 1:21). Even earth’s top vacation spots can’t compete with the joys of heaven.

    However, let’s be clear. I do not long to be in heaven because I’m suicidal. By God’s grace, I intend to complete His assignments for me rather than exit the earth prematurely.

    If you resonate with this intention but also feel the twinge—however slightly—of wanting to move into heaven, there’s a way to capitalize on it.

    We can use this godly jealousy to motivate ourselves to run a faithful race.

    All the way to the finish line.

    Unfortunately, not everyone who started out as a Christian continues with their journey. I can recite names of famous Christians who, midway in their faith walk, ditched the path and, as far as I know, are still detached from the one true God.

    This isn’t to mention scores of other individuals whose stories might be unknown to us but whose faith, likewise, dissolved.

    Let’s not fix our eyes on them. Let’s instead focus on successful finishers like Drs. Stanley and Hayford and also, apostle Paul.

    Toward the conclusion of his earthly shift, the latter remarked the following: “I have fought the good fight, I have finished the race, I have kept the faith. Now there is in store for me the crown of righteousness, which the Lord, the righteous Judge, will award to me on that day—and not only to me, but also to all who have longed for his appearing” (2 Timothy 4:7-8).

    Wouldn’t it be wonderful to be able to declare “ditto” when our race is officially over?

    3. Leftover Grief

    Perhaps your spiritual mentor’s passing left you feeling drained. You’ve shed more tears than anticipated. Maybe your appetite—or digestive system—has been off. Or perhaps you’re experiencing other signs of depression.

    If any of the above fits, check if perhaps you’ve neglected to grieve a prior loss. Death leaves a cumulative effect on the mourner, stirring up similar emotions and memories of an earlier loss.

    But a recent death will impact you more if you haven’t fully grieved that prior loss or if you’ve sustained a significant number of losses in recent history—including not just physical death or divorce, but also the loss of income or house.

    So, if your spiritual mentor’s death hits you hard, consider it a 911 call from your soul. Find a trained professional to consult with.

    I recommend someone who is trained in the psychology of grief and mourning.

    4. Holding the Torch

    One of the characteristics of my church that I cherish the most is its multigenerational nature. Baby Boomers, Gen X, Millennials, Gen Z, as well as the youngest one, Gen Alpha, attend our services.

    There may even be a smattering of representatives from the Silent Generation.

    You’ll see me nod at one of our pastors’ frequent exhortations. He insists that every generation in the church needs to mentor someone younger than them.

    This is relevant to our topic because the body of Christ lost two respected generals this year. Pastor Jack died at 88, and Charles Stanley, 90.

    Now that they’re no longer here, the torch—of leading the next generations, spreading the Good News, and holding each other accountable to keep maturing into Christlikeness—is in our hands.

    We may never be called to found a global ministry, but that torch is still in our hands.

    God may appoint us to affect areas of society our mentors hadn’t, but the torch is—you guessed it—still in our hands.

    What better way to honor the passing of your spiritual mentor than to continue cultivating Kingdom values the way he or she did?

    Photo Credit: ©iStock/Getty Images Plus/max-kegfire 

    Audrey Davidheiser, PhD is a California licensed psychologist, certified Internal Family Systems (IFS) therapist and IFSI approved clinical consultant, as well as author of Surviving Difficult People: When Your Faith and Feelings Clash. After founding and directing a counseling center for the Los Angeles Dream Center, she now devotes her practice to survivors of trauma—including spiritual abuse. Visit her on www.aimforbreakthrough.com and Instagram @DrAudreyD.

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  • Healthy, Biblical Tips for Dealing with Conflict

    Healthy, Biblical Tips for Dealing with Conflict

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    God’s Word has some great advice on how to handle conflict, and it’s not about how to “sink the other person’s battleship.” However, first and foremost, we must be intentional and proactive about it.

    P – Plan a Peace Conference

    Simply put, don’t ignore conflict, go to the person with whom you are having the conflict and talk it out. But planning a peace conference first must begin in prayer. When we are having a conflict with any individual, before going to speak with them, go to God to get some wisdom and clarity.

    “Search me, O God, and know my heart and test my thoughts” (Psalm 139:23, LB).

    It’s healthy for us to spend time with God asking Him to help us understand our mistakes and see our own hearts clearly. When we finally see the part we played in the conflict – what we selfishly did or hurtfully said that helped create conflict – the battle is half over. After we repent before God and receive His forgiveness, we are empowered to ask for and extend forgiveness to others with a clean heart.

    “If you remember that your brother has something against you, go at once to make peace” (Matthew 5:24).

    The longer you wait the harder it is and the more courage you’ll need to take the first step. 

    E – Empathize 

    “Be full of sympathy toward each other, loving one another with tender hearts and humble minds” (1 Peter 3:8).

    What does it mean to empathize with another? Don’t just plan a peace conference with your husband, wife, co-worker, teenager, partner at work, or friend; make it a point to be empathetic with them when you sit down to talk it out.

    “Do nothing out of selfish ambition or vain conceit, but in humility consider others better than yourselves. Each of you should look not only to your own interests, but also to the interests of others. Your attitude should be the same as that of Christ Jesus: Who, being in very nature God, did not consider equality with God something to be grasped, but made himself nothing, taking the very nature of a servant, being made in human likeness. And being found in appearance as a man, he humbled himself and became obedient to death — even death on a cross” (Philippians 2:3-8).

    Paul’s instructions are clear: lay aside selfishness, it’s the root cause of conflict. Considered others better than ourselves – not others who are right, who have treated us properly, who deserve it – just others. Put yourself in their shoes; seek to feel what they feel, and see from their perspective. We must intentionally come out of our mindset and attempt to enter the world of the other person, like Jesus did when He came to earth.

    Photo credit: ©Getty Images/Motortion

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    Frank Santora

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  • To the One Who Loves Someone with a Mental Illness

    To the One Who Loves Someone with a Mental Illness

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    It’s hard living with a mental illness. Every day seems to present a new, impossible task in your face. You can feel that two strides forward are only followed by a mile leaped backward. Of course, you also have the cynics. These individuals believe that mental illness is a “cop-out” or dramatized by those who suffer. Fighting the illness and the voice of those who doubt can be an overwhelming task to face alone. 

    However, imagine the emotional strain felt by those who love individuals with a mental illness. They have to protect their wellbeing while simultaneously supporting and looking after the one they love. 

    I believe we have a surplus of mental health advocates–as we should. But I want to advocate for those behind the scenes. Those who carry burdens that are not their own and fight wars waged by others.

    I was 16 years old when I was diagnosed with an anxiety disorder. I felt that taking medicine would make me weak and weird, so I remained unmedicated until my mom convinced me that taking meds would only aid my life, not hinder it. While anxiety was challenging enough, it was not until I was in my 20s that I discovered I have multiple forms of Obsessive Compulsive Disorder. And while I still do not fully understand what this means sometimes, I lean on the grace and understanding of Jesus. I am blessed with gifts from the Lord that include supportive family, friends, and fiancé. 

    Because I am thankful for these people, I want to show their side, how they see mental illness and their loved ones who battle it. To do this, I interviewed individuals who are in a relationship with someone who is fighting a mental illness. For starters, I interviewed my fiancé:

    What mental illness does your partner have? 

    “Very bad anxiety and OCD.”

    This question may seem overly simple. Kind of like, “Wow, he knows what’s wrong. Give him a gold star.” But y’all, it is so refreshing to have a man so freely and openly not only accept but learn about things that don’t affect him personally. Ladies, if your partner does not want to learn more about your problems and help you fix them, do not settle.

    What does your partner’s mental illness mean for them?

    “She doesn’t feel like she can be loved like someone who doesn’t have these mental illnesses, that she is loved different because of these illnesses.” 

    (As I am the person he is talking about, I can honestly say that he hit the nail on the head. Those who suffer with an “invisible illness” can often feel that the love offered to them is cushioned, different, or even strenuous.)

    “She is constantly on guard and protective of herself because she doesn’t want the illness to cause any hurt to anyone.” 

    Again, he hit the nail on the head. Mental illnesses ail so many people. Loving others while suffering with a mental illness can be fearful. You know how it affects you, and you do not want others to be hurt by you as well. 

    How do you handle their mental illness?

    “I don’t ‘handle’ it. It affects her, so I just love her. I am very mindful of how I word things and how it can trigger OCD.” 

    First, let me just brag on my man. He immediately made it a point for me to understand that he does not “handle” my anxiety and OCD. It is not an inconvenience to him. Again ladies, don’t settle. 

    Second, to those who suffer, please take the time to appreciate your loved ones. They have taken the time to learn about your illness and then learn about your individual triggers. This takes time, as well as patience. They then are taking the time to learn how to rethink their regular vernacular in order to make you more comfortable. 

    How do you love them differently due to their mental illness?

    “I don’t show her love differently. I feel like when you show love differently it puts strain on them by making them think they are not worth normal love. In reality, there is only one love, and that’s from Jesus. So, there is only one Love you can truly show them, Jesus.”

    How can you love someone whose brain you don’t understand? Show them Jesus. Yes, there are varying factors in each relationship, especially mental illness. But there is only one Love to show people, and that is being a reflection of Jesus. 

    When has their mental illness brought something positive into your relationship? 

    “If you know how to communicate when your partner is triggered, then it grows the relationship and you learn more about each other throughout each conversation.”    

    When the right person comes into your life, you can take things like mental illnesses and use them as a chance to grow as a couple. You can learn more about each other than you already do. 

    I write this to encourage you, dear reader. Whether you suffer from an illness unseen or you love an individual who does, the way you respond means more than you know. 

    To those who suffer, know that it is not easy for others to understand what is going on in your head. You have to take the time and effort to explain your thoughts. No matter how wonderful your partner is, they will not be able to understand your triggers, compulsions, and symptoms until you explain them. And while it can be difficult to walk back through the valley and relive your hardest times, the person you love is worth the patience. I promise it is worth it to let those God placed in your life behind your walls. If you have spent time in the Father’s presence and you know that this person is here to support you through it all, show them patience and let them in. You won’t regret it. 

    To those who love the sufferer, I cannot describe how much your patience, love, and support mean to your loved one. Sometimes, the only thing that can pull your partner out of an episode or downward spiral is someone they trust sitting with them and pulling/coercing them back into reality. You are a gift and a blessing.

    You show the love of Jesus when you show grace and compassion, patience, and the willingness to learn. The Great Physician works in mysterious ways. And while there is no cure for my Anxiety or my Obsessive Compulsive Disorder, there is a medicine provided that eases the pain. It comes in the form of love and support shown by those who relentlessly battle an invisible disease that ails many. Loneliness is replaced with companionship, fear is overtaken by bravery, and it all points to the gracious God we serve. 

    Dear friend, don’t give up on your loved ones who suffer. And dear sufferer, don’t push away those who take the time to show you love. 

    Thank you, friend, for loving us as Jesus would desire. And thank you, sufferer, for keeping up the fight. 

    Photo Credit: ©Unsplash/Frank Mckenna

    Olivia Lauren is a graduate student passionate about Scripture, particularly the Book of Romans showcasing God’s grace. Outside her studies, she enjoys teaching her dog new tricks and finding quicker ways to silence the smoke alarm after trying a new recipe. 

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  • How I Learned to Combat Conflict in My Marriage

    How I Learned to Combat Conflict in My Marriage

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    Conflict can be good if you see it from the right perspective, but conflict is also hard, especially in a marriage. Conflict can be good in that it resolves deeper issues, unmet expectations, and miscommunications, but it could also cause a rift in our marriage that is hard to resolve. Our spouses see us at our best and our worst. It is easy for us to take out our areas of pain and frustration on our spouses, but simply because they are in our lives doesn’t mean we can use them as a punching bag. When I chose to see my spouse in a new light and understand the role healthy conflict has in our marriage, I could resolve arguments in a godly way. 

    First, I saw my spouse as an ally rather than an enemy. This was the most important part of shifting my perspective. I sometimes saw my husband as the enemy against me, using words like weapons and hurling insults because he was not there to support me. I had unhealthy expectations that he would always love and support me unconditionally—perfectly. Those are things I can only get from God. I was using my husband as a way to take out my greatest frustrations instead of seeing him as an ally. I now see him as a flawed person who makes mistakes just like me, and it has helped me forgive him in areas where I was wronged.

    Look Past the Past

    Second, I was able to look past the past. Although I was diligent in forgiving current situations, it was easy for me to bring them back up again during present conflict. But that is not what Jesus did. To be an example of Jesus, I needed to forgive my spouse and choose to remember his sins no more. That especially includes the sins committed against us. This may seem impossible, but it can be done with God’s help. Just as God still remembers our sins yet chooses not to use them against us, we can choose to do the same when it comes to our spouses. We are only doing ourselves a disservice when we choose to hold past offenses against our spouse. If I wanted to have a good marriage, I had to let go of the past and forge ahead toward a healthy marriage for the future. 

    Take Personal Responsibility

    Third, I had to take responsibility for the parts of the conflict where I was wrong. Instead of shifting blame to my spouse in every situation, I had to analyze my part and responsibility in the offense. I sometimes laid blame even when I had been wronged, and I had to take responsibility for my part in that. When I was able to take responsibility, bring it to God, and ask God for his forgiveness, I could rest assured knowing that Christ’s blood covered all my past wrongs. Not only that, but I was able to view my husband’s wrongs in the same light. God chooses not to hold his offenses against me. If I am to be an example of Christ, I can’t hold his past offenses against him either. 

    Choose Your Battles

    Fourth, I chose my battles. I saw the conflict as the problem, but often, it was just a symptom of a much larger problem. For example, if I saw extra dishes in the sink and it was his turn to do the dishes, I would explode at him for not doing his share. However, it was my feelings of unappreciation and a feeling of being used that were my underlying issues rather than his lack of diligence regarding the chores. When I could go to God with my deeper needs for appreciation and ask God to validate who I am in Christ, the dishes became an act of service rather than a chore to be endured. 

    When I was able to shift my perspective and ask God to meet my deeper needs rather than going to my spouse, I was able to see the relationship for what it truly was: a partnership where we mirror Christ and the Church. Because we are human, it can often be messy. Both husband and wife make mistakes and hurt the other. The more that happened and the more those situations piled up, the more difficult it became to forgive and to love with the same love Christ had for me. When I was able to work through my issues regarding feeling unappreciated or undervalued, I was able to see that God is the only one who can meet my needs. If you are struggling with deeper needs, there is hope. 

    During your quiet time, ask the Holy Spirit to reveal any past situations where you felt this need for the first time. As I examined my life, I often found these deeper feelings did not come from my spouse but rather from my bad childhood experiences. When I was able to forgive the offender for not meeting my needs, I was able to see my spouse in a more loving way. A great resource for this is Soul Care by Rob Reimer. In it, he takes the reader through several areas where the soul may have emotional baggage that, when resolved, can lead people to a free life in Christ. When I was able to rid myself of deeper wounds and issues that I could not change, I was able to walk in freedom. I also noticed my physical, mental, and emotional well-being were better off because of the work God had done in my life. 

    See the Partnership

    Fifth, I was able to see my marriage as a partnership: two equal people working together to accomplish the work of the Kingdom. When I saw one of us as more than the other, it skewed my relationship and allowed one of us to act superior toward the other. This caused a sense of inferiority that I could not change. When I started seeing myself as inferior to others, it skewed my worldview, hindering my ability to see others with the same eyes that Jesus sees them. I had to change how I saw myself. I had to rid myself of pride and ambition and see myself as a sinner in need of God’s grace.  When I was able to see myself for who I truly am—a person whose sin Christ’s blood covered on the cross, I was able to see people for who they were. How I viewed myself affected how I viewed others. 

    When we see ourselves with the truth of Scripture, we can hold tight to God’s promises and know that regardless of what happens, he sees us as his child, dearly loved. When I could see myself in that same vein, I was able to work within the confines of how God wired me. This gave me a feeling of deeper meaning and purpose. When we live every day as if we have a specific purpose, we can have the assurance that God will use us to accomplish his work. When I saw myself as a unique individual created by God to do the job only he has given me to do, it gave me a purpose much deeper than simply earning a paycheck or having a good marriage. This allowed my conflict with my spouse to reduce greatly. I knew my attitude had changed when I found my conflicts were fewer and farther between. I can’t say we don’t ever fight, but when we do, I try to see the situation from my spouse’s perspective. When I can look at this situation healthily, I take responsibility for my part, forgive when I’ve been wronged, and move forward to accomplish God’s work. 

    Love Like Christ

    Sixth, I could love my spouse the way God loves him. Although I can’t say I love my spouse unconditionally, I love him in a deeper way than I did when we first got married. When we were dating, I often saw a relationship as what he could do for me. Now I see it as what I can do for him and how we can move forward together in accomplishing his work. Whether it’s ministering to our local church or discussing our hopes and dreams, I can love him with the same love that Christ has for his people. When I do this, I understand, in a new way, God’s love for his children. Conflict is inevitable, but we don’t have to be in conflict regularly. By observing the steps above, you can choose to see your spouse in a new way. When you choose to see your spouse in the way God sees them, you can see your spouse and your marriage in the same way God sees it. 

    Photo Credit: ©Getty Images/fizkes

    Michelle S. Lazurek is a multi-genre award-winning author, speaker, pastor’s wife, and mother. She is a literary agent for Wordwise Media Services and a certified writing coach. Her new children’s book Who God Wants Me to Be encourages girls to discover God’s plan for their careers. When not working, she enjoys sipping a Starbucks latte, collecting 80s memorabilia, and spending time with her family and her crazy dog. For more info, please visit her website www.michellelazurek.com.

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  • 3 Things I Wish People Would Stop Telling Me About Getting Married

    3 Things I Wish People Would Stop Telling Me About Getting Married

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    Seventy-five days remain until I change my name from Miss to Mrs. As chaos surrounds me, so do the blessings. I’m overwhelmed with the changes occurring in my life, but even more, I’m encapsulated by how much advice people share during this season. 

    When I was a little girl, I dreamed of finding my prince and riding off on a white horse into the sunset. It was a daydream, a fairytale that princesses and paupers alike envision… that is until they grow up. 

    During my teen years, I didn’t go on a single date. Some might call me a prude, but genuinely, no one ever asked me out! Probably because I was shy around boys, or acted like they were that freaky jumping spider you find in your bathroom and scream for someone else to come take care of! 

    All jokes aside, however, I know now that the Lord was saving and reserving my heart for someone special. A certain someone I would wait my entire life to date, and praise the Lord, then marry. 

    Small Beginnings

    I met Ben at the end of my fourth year of college. I didn’t know it then, but he would quickly become a part of my life for the next five years. He will now soon become a part of my life forever. 

    Our dating scenes weren’t always easy. They were certainly not what I envisioned as a little girl with her Prince Charming. But I can say with honor that he is everything and more I prayed for. He is the prince I envisioned waiting for, and the one with whom I will spend the rest of my days here on Earth. 

    The closer we get to our wedding date, the more my anxiety grows. Don’t get me wrong; I am ecstatic! Finding a place to live and making transitions to live with another human being is a joy I prayed for many years to encounter. But as the years grow into months and days until I say “I do,” I am also filled with normal insecurities and fears. I suppose many others in this season know exactly what I’m referring to. 

    In my questions and answers, there have been three pieces of marriage advice repeated over and over. And if these have been said to you, I want you to know that you’re not alone! 

    While the intentions behind these pieces of advice come from genuine care and concern, here’s what I wish people would stop telling me about getting married:

    1. Marriage Is Hard

    Practically speaking, I understand what someone means when they coin the phrase, “Marriage is hard.” I think as children, we grow up envisioning marriage as this far-off mystical land full of rainbows, sunshine, and puppy dogs. But as much as we know these things simply aren’t true, we can set ourselves up for disappointment. The first time he forgets to take out the trash or we get into a disagreement can stir heated tensions. 

    I’m not married yet, so I won’t pretend to know everything about this subject. However, I have grown up in a home violated by verbal and emotional abuse. When people tell me marriage is hard, all I can think about is the home I grew up seeing. 

    The slamming doors. The raging voices. Unresolved arguments tucked away for another day in hopes of resolution. To say I saw a chaotic and unhealthy marriage would be an understatement. I love both of my parents dearly. I know they’ve raised me the best they could. No one is perfect. Not even the best couples are. But I don’t need anyone else to tell me marriage is hard. 

    I know it won’t be sunshine and rainbows every day. I know it won’t always be easy. But because I’ve grown up seeing what marriage shouldn’t be, I do know an awful lot about what it should be. What it should look like. How it should look. What I will and will not put up with. 

    As my Grandma Memo once told me, “Marriage isn’t hard, Amber. At least, it shouldn’t be. Sure, it has its ups and downs. It’s disagreements and moments of agreeing to disagree. But marriage is good. A healthy marriage is about sacrifice and balance. It takes work. Patience. Love and forgiveness. But it isn’t hard.”

    2. You Will Have Fights

    The second piece of advice people love to share about preparing for marriage is the assumption that “you will have fights.” Now, this might just be a personal preference, but I believe telling someone they and their partner will have fights isn’t the most appropriate measure of love to share. 

    Again, I digress. I grew up in a fairly dysfunctional family. I know what unhealthy relationships and boundaries look like between men and women. Between power and authority of those who shouldn’t have any but do. And yet, this comment that my fiancé and I will have fights simply isn’t helpful. 

    I’m not naive as many may think. Even Paul in 1 Corinthians 7 gives instruction that marriage is not for everyone, and moments of discontent between a husband and wife are sure to arise. Although I’m engaged to Ben, we have had our share of arguments over the five years we’ve been together. Little “he said, she said” moments of despair that really weren’t that big of a deal. But even in our worst disagreements and heartbreaks, we haven’t fought. 

    Early on in our dating relationship, it felt like Ben and I had a DTR (define the relationship) moment every single week or month. It was exhausting, and we questioned the relationship a lot. But the one thing Ben and I now value most about our relationship is the resilience, patience, and love Christ has enabled us to grow through within this experience. 

    Yes, Ben and I will continue to have things we disagree on often. Every couple does. But what matters is our resilience and drive to resolve these issues. We have a promise we’ve made to each other and God that when we have a problem, we tell each other. Not someone else. Not a family member, but we talk to each other. Once we’ve shed light on the subject, we then take the time to talk about it and listen to the other person’s perspective. No yelling. No slamming doors. No raising our voices. No throwing things or hitting the other person. 

    At the end of the day, there are still many things we have to simply agree to disagree about. This was another piece of advice Grandma gave me that I cling to often. But God never said we had to agree 100% of the time with the person we marry. He said that we need to cherish them with love and care like they were our own bodies. I’m still learning how to do this well, but I’m confident that if we keep Christ at the center of our relationship and remember who the true enemy of our problems is (Satan, not each other), we will avoid many quarrels. 

    3. The First Year of Marriage Is The Hardest

    The final piece of unwarranted advice that I wish people would stop saying about marriage is that “the first year is the hardest.” Granted, I’ve never been married. I don’t know and won’t pretend to know what this experience is going to be like. But as someone with anxiety and depression, I’m sure it’ll continue to be overwhelming and exciting. 

    The assumption that the first year of marriage will be the hardest comes from the belief that two people are merging their lives together for the first time. Since Ben and I are Christians and have always lived at home with our families (even commuting to and from college this way), it’s sure to be a wake-up call. Most days, I’m not sure I’m prepared for living with the opposite species and how he will act. I’m sure Ben would say the same about living with a female who’s emotional and cries most days.

    Nevertheless, I know that the path we’ve pursued is God’s plan, and He will bless our lives. We’ve chosen to pursue our marriage the right way. We’ve never lived together and won’t until our vows have been said, rings are placed, and our promise to God is presented before mankind. But I would rather choose honor to God than comfort to man. I would rather be surprised when I get married than dishonor God just to seek something unknown. 

    Over the last five years, Ben and I have experienced a lot of really hard things. I’m tempted to say they are things many couples still haven’t faced. Everyone has their unique battles and challenges. But only God truly knows our story and where it’s headed. Only God knows how the rest of our lives will unfold. 

    I presume that Ben and I will face many challenges in the first year of marriage. But it’s accurate to say we probably will every single year. I don’t necessarily think one can outweigh the other as long as resilience, grace, love, and forgiveness pave the way.

    Seventy-five days feel like a long time now, but I know it’ll fade quickly. And soon, I’ll tread deep into waters I know relatively little about. I have my preconceived notions and ideals, but there’s only so much you can prepare for without experience. 

    For all of you friends in this similar season, know I see you and stand with you. But please don’t be afraid. Only you, your partner-to-be, and God know how everything pan out. And with Christ on your side and within your relationship, you will conquer even the most unknown and uncertain circumstances. 

    Be blessed today and forevermore, knowing that Someone who died to love you is preparing you for an eternity of love here on Earth and in Heaven. Regardless of the advice you’ve been told. Regardless of things that have been said, but probably shouldn’t. 

    Agape, Amber

    Photo Credit: ©Pixabay/Pexels

    Amber Ginter is a young adult writer that currently works as an English teacher in Chillicothe, Ohio, and has a passionate desire to impact the world for Jesus through her love for writing, aesthetics, health/fitness, and ministry. Amber seeks to proclaim her love for Christ and the Gospel through her writing, aesthetic worship arts, and volunteer roles. She is enrolled in the YWW Author Conservatory to become a full-time author and is a featured writer for Crosswalk, ibelieve, Salem Web Network, The Rebelution, Daughter of Delight, Kallos, Anchored Passion, No Small Life, and Darling Magazine. In the past, she’s also contributed to Called Christian Writers, Southern Ohio Today News, Ohio Christian University, and The Circleville Herald. Visit her website at amberginter.com.

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    Amber Ginter

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  • Why Adult Friendships Can Be So Hard

    Why Adult Friendships Can Be So Hard

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    Adult friendships can be extremely hard at times. While it would be nice to have easy sailing friendships, most times, this doesn’t happen. In order for friendships to work, whether adult friendships or not, there needs to be work put in by each side. If one friend is putting in the effort, but the other isn’t putting in any effort, the friendship probably won’t last. For any type of friendship, there are struggles, yet adult friendships are much harder. 

    When we are kids, it’s much easier to form friendships. There’s less responsibility, less baggage, and less at stake. When I was in second grade, I formed a friendship that I thought would last forever. While it did last the entirety of elementary school, once we moved to middle school, we fell out of contact. Similar to this instance, the same can be said about adult friendships. When we are adults, we often travel for jobs or move from town to town. This can make it extremely difficult to form lasting friendships. In order to have a friendship, you need to spend time with each other. 

    While texting and calling are nice and convenient, it is best to meet up in person, if possible, to form strong bonds with friends. When we are adults, it can be easier to just send a quick happy birthday text or a “How are you?” text, yet we fail to grow deeper in our friendship because we are afraid to be vulnerable and open. For a friendship to work, both parties need to want to cultivate the friendship. One friend cannot do all the work. Both friends equally need to have the desire to cultivate the friendship. If one friend decides the friendship isn’t working, there is not a huge chance of the friendship moving forward. 

    With adult friendships, we often try to force ourselves to be certain people’s friends in order to fit in or to seem “cool.” In this way, it is not much different than middle or high school. Sadly, if we try to force our friendship upon someone, it is not likely they are going to appreciate our forceful efforts. Instead of forcing friendships or trying to manipulate them to happen, we need to allow friendships to grow naturally. 

    As someone who tried a lot in college to have everyone like me, I know now that this is an impossible goal. While I might have wanted everyone to be my friend, it doesn’t mean they wanted to be friends in return. In hindsight, I can see this now, yet at the time, I didn’t know. My only focus was trying to find friends since for the longest time I had no friends. Due to being homeschooled, I didn’t have any friends outside of my family members. This resulted in me feeling lonely, so in college, I wanted to make friends with everyone, even if they might not have been my friends in return.

    Understanding Boundaries

    While we should be a friend to all people, it doesn’t mean we are going to have the close friendship bond we expect to have with a best friend. It might be a small smile or a nice wave, but it doesn’t mean the person is your best friend. It is best, as adults, for us to know that not everyone will want to be our friend. This can be sad and depressing to think about, yet it is best for us to be aware that not everyone we think will be our friend will actually be our friend. It might take time, but God will help lead us to the friends we need. 

    We can choose to take the matter into our own hands by trying to manipulate others to be our friends, but this is not good to do. Instead, pray to God and ask Him to lead you to the right friends. After church, invest some time in talking to other adults around your age. Maybe you attend a small group, and there are others who are in the same life phase as you. Talk with them, and you might find a really great friend who will be with you through thick and thin. These types of friends are to be appreciated because they are hard to find. 

    Adult friendships also tend to be hard because most friend groups have already been established. Going back to my example from college, I had gotten into a friend group who I thought were going to be my friends forever. Turns out, forever didn’t last as long as I had originally thought. I was so blinded by wanting to have friends that I didn’t realize I had little to nothing in common with the other people in the group. I was the polar opposite of them, and I quickly started wondering why I even went to events with t hem. I always felt awkward and as though the other people had no interest in anything I said. 

    Over time, I separated myself from this friend group because I realized they weren’t my real friends. They had long stopped replying to my text messages months before, and I felt like an outsider. None of them reached out during my struggles with mental health nor did any of them seem to care. It is sad to realize your “friends” aren’t really your friends, but it is better to recognize this before it takes up your entire life. 

    You Deserve Better

    You deserve to have friends who love you, care about you, and encourage you. You don’t deserve friends who make you feel like less of a person. Sadly, adult friendships can be hard, but don’t let this deter you or cause you to get into unhealthy friend groups. Ask God for guidance and ask Him to bring the right people into your life. He truly knows best, and He will provide you with the friends that you need. During my struggles with adult friendships, I have discovered that my greatest friend is my sister. 

    Unfortunately, I neglected my friendship with my sister for many years because I was so focused on forming friendships with my friend group from college. My sister has been the one who has been with me through every season of life, on the sunny days and dark days. A true friend is like my sister. Someone who is always there for you, doesn’t leave when things get hard, and someone who always points you back to Jesus. You deserve this type of friendship too. Even if it might not be your sister, you can find a lasting friendship through God’s help. 

    Adult friendships can be difficult, but they don’t have to be. Through both parties investing time and energy into the friendship, the friendship can flourish. It is important to remember that for a friendship to remain, both parties have to want to keep the friendship alive. It is normal for friendships to come and go, even if it might be difficult. Just remember that God will bring the right people into your life, and it is best to wait on God instead of taking matters into your own hands. 

    Be a friend to all, but don’t expect them to be a friend back. Understand that not all people we invest time and energy in will respond in the same way. Find the people that like you for you and do your best to be a good friend to others. Whether you are looking for friends now as an adult or if you are going through a rough patch in your friendship, know that God is always there with you, and He is always your friend, no matter what. He loves you, and He is the Best Friend anyone could ever have in their life.  

    Photo Credit: ©Getty Images/Antonio Guillem

    Vivian Bricker loves Jesus, studying the Word of God, and helping others in their walk with Christ. She has earned a Bachelor of Arts and Master’s degree in Christian Ministry with a deep academic emphasis in theology. Her favorite things to do are spending time with her family and friends, reading, and spending time outside. When she is not writing, she is embarking on other adventures.

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  • 9 Ways to Make Your Marriage Extraordinary

    9 Ways to Make Your Marriage Extraordinary

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    Ephesians 4:31-32; “Let all bitterness and wrath and anger and clamor and slander be put away from you, along with all malice. Be kind to one another, tenderhearted, forgiving one another, as God in Christ forgave you.” 

    Kindness is something we think we owe to other people but sometimes we forget that we should extend kindness to those in our households as well. In a marriage, being kind about even the little things means a lot.

    Gentlemen, don’t forget your manners and treat your wife as your queen. Ladies, remember his home is his castle and deserves to be respected.

    Going out of your way to do something small to encourage your husband or wife, bring a smile to their face, make their day special will fill both your hearts with affection and praise to God for bringing the two of you together. Kindness is the salve the opens both of you up to being tenderhearted.

    8. Be United

    If you have children remember to present a united front. Recent statistics tell us 57 percent of married households are childless. But for the remaining 43 percent, both parents must stand together, united in making the family rules and upholding them.

    However, never forget you had a spouse before your children, and that relationship needs to continue to grow.

    Being united also extends to the matters that you stand for as a couple. Though you may differ in gifts and opinions, extraordinary marriages are the ones that God uses as a united front for his purposes and glory. Evaluate what the two of you value most and where your gifts align, and then go after your particular ministry wholeheartedly, together in spirit.

    Photo Credit: ©Unsplash/David Nunez

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    Linda Gilden

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  • 12 Christlike Characteristics to Affirm in Your Grandchildren

    12 Christlike Characteristics to Affirm in Your Grandchildren

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    I was stunned! Fifteen years as an intermediate teacher, and I could count on one hand how many times this had happened. A former student took the time (several years later) to look me up and come by to say, “Thank you.”

    It wasn’t the effort or the thanks, although both were rare and very much appreciated. It was what he remembered. While in my classroom, the young man was good-natured, friendly, and hard-working. He was an above-average student. However, he was also 11 years old, and sometimes his immaturity prevailed.

    At the end of that school year in our “closing ceremonies,” he was presented with an award: a construction paper ribbon. On the back of the ribbon I had inscribed an affirmation of his character, complete with how I saw that character being manifested in his future academic and athletic endeavors.

    As a college-bound athlete, he now stood before me to thank me for challenging him and even more, for the words of affirmation that had been bestowed upon him. He let me know that those words on the back of a simple little ribbon were still hanging in his room.

    That moment convinced me. I could slap vague stickers all over my students work and send them off each year with ubiquitous ribbons, or I could choose to make an investment of worth.

    Agreeing with Lou Priolo, who in his book, Pleasing People, says, “Demonstrate your high estimation of others by commending them for those qualities that are biblically worthy of praise,” I chose to commend my students with explicit and upbuilding affirmations.

    My afternoon with that young man also made an impact on my grandparenting. Christ-like attributes are essential in every area of life, and it is my responsibility to teach and nurture these characteristics in the lives of my grandchildren. The bestowing of good affirmations, one that are specific and sincere, will help me carry out that role.

    Consider with me the following 12 Christ-like characteristics to affirm in your grandchildren.

    1. Authenticity

    Thus, by their fruit you will recognize them. Matthew 7:20

    Christianity is all about engaging in the imperfect, honest process of becoming more like Jesus. It is not about perfection. Affirm your grandchildren when you witness the demonstration of humble, sincere, Gospel-centered authenticity in their lives.

    2. Compassion

    Finally, all of you, be like-minded, be sympathetic, love one another, be compassionate and humble. 1 Peter 3:8

    Compassion alludes to thoughtfulness and sympathy, but it goes much deeper. Compassion means to “suffer with.” Commend your grandchildren for recognizing the suffering of others and taking action to help. This Christ-like characteristic might be evidenced in their thoughtful questions, tears, or attempts to help.

    3. Courtesy

    So in everything, do to others what you would have them do to you, for this sums up the Law and the Prophets. Matthew 7:12

    Courtesy speaks to social manners and polite conduct. Things which many seem to think have become as extinct as the pterodactyl.

    When you notice your grandchildren holding a door for someone else, going last in line, deferring to another, or saying, “Please” and “Thank you,” offer a word of affirmation. Something as simple as, “I notice God is helping you become more courteous as you grow.”

    4. Forgiveness

    Get rid of all bitterness, rage and anger, brawling and slander, along with every form of malice. Be kind and compassionate to one another, forgiving each other, just as in Christ God forgave you. Ephesians 4:31-32

    Extending mercy to every sinner who confesses their sin and trusts in Him, Jesus is the most forgiving person in existence. He also instructs us to forgive as we have been forgiven.

    When you witness your grandchildren offering forgiveness and extending grace to others, commend them for this work of Christ you see in them.

    5. Generosity

    Remember this: Whoever sows sparingly will also reap sparingly, and whoever sows generously will also reap generously. Each of you should give what you have decided in your heart to give, not reluctantly or under compulsion, for God loves a cheerful giver. And God is able to bless you abundantly, so that in all things at all times, having all that you need, you will abound in every good work. 2 Corinthians 9:6-8

    Jesus shares everything He has, holding nothing back for Himself.

    Our grandchildren exhibit generosity when they give to others sacrificially. It’s more than money. It’s cheerfully sharing what they have. Each time your grandchild shares a box of candy, gives the money in their piggy bank to a mission effort, or serves at a food pantry, commend them for looking more and more like Christ.

    6. Gratitude

    And whatever you do, whether in word or deed, do it all in the name of the Lord Jesus, giving thanks to God the Father through him. Colossians 3:17

    Gratitude is the expression of our thanks and praise, and it is a precious offering in the sight of our God.

    In a very young child, the expression may come in the form of giggles and twinkling eyes. Older children might express their gratitude in the form of spoken or written words. As your grandchildren grow in their attentiveness to the gift and their appreciation for the giver, affirm this display of Christ-like character in them.  

    7. Integrity

    The integrity of the upright guides them, but the unfaithful are destroyed by their duplicity. Proverbs 11:3

    Integrity is adherence to moral and ethical principles. This Christ-like characteristic is fundamental to true character. It is exhibited in a person’s honesty, sincerity, and genuineness and over time will produce honor, truth, and reliability.

    Simple affirmations such as, “I see the Christ-like characteristic of integrity shining through you when you…,” or “I want to be like you in the way you showed such integrity when…,” will foster Christ-likeness in your grandchildren.

    8. Kindness

    Therefore, as God’s chosen people, holy and dearly loved, clothe yourselves with compassion, kindness, humility, gentleness and patience. Colossians 3:12

    Considerate. Gentle. Helpful. One who shows kindness to others is prompted by love. They desire to help others and express good will. A kind soul takes a tender approach toward others’ weaknesses and limitations. Their words and actions are intended for the benefit of others.

    Such a characteristic when seen in the lives of our grandchildren is worthy of commendation.

    9. Obedience

    For just as through the disobedience of the one man the many were made sinners, so also through the obedience of the one man the many will be made righteous. Romans 5:19

    We taught our children and now enjoy watching them teach our grandchildren that to obey means to do it the first time with a happy heart. No rolled eyes, deep sighs, or reluctant resignation is ever-present in a true act of obedience.

    When you “catch” your grandchildren obeying in the true sense of the word, take the time to offer a sincere affirmation. How about, “It makes my heart happy when…,” or “I know it makes God’s heart happy when…?”

    10. Respectfulness

    Be devoted to one another in love. Honor one another above yourselves. Romans 12:10

    Respect and honor go hand in hand.

    To honor someone means to “give them weight.” Honor is usually bestowed based on position, status, wealth, or character and is shown by our respect.

    Respect is a way of thinking about someone. A positive feeling of admiration, it manifests itself in how we treat others publicly.

    Do your grandchildren exhibit the Christ-like characteristic of respect by looking others in the eye, putting the phone down in their presence, saying thank you to someone who has invested in them, or sitting beside someone who is sitting alone? These acts and others like them are certainly worthy of commendation.

    11. Responsibility

    “Now my soul is troubled, and what shall I say? ‘Father, save me from this hour’? No, it was for this very reason I came to this hour. John 12:27

    Faced with a task beyond our ability to comprehend, Jesus resolved to see it through to the very end. Ever faithful even at a cost of great sacrifice, He is our supreme example.

    Do your grandchildren demonstrate this Christ-like characteristic? Have you seen them performing assigned tasks to the best of their ability, being faithful to their responsibilities, keeping their word, or completing tasks even when it would be more convenient not to?

    Their acts of consistency, trustworthiness, and reliability show respect to others and honor God. In this, they should be encouraged and affirmed.

    12. Truthfulness

    Therefore each of you must put off falsehood and speak truthfully to your neighbor, for we are all members of one body. Ephesians 4:25

    Sometimes being truthful can take courage, especially when there are consequences. Affirm this Christ-like characteristic in your grandchildren whenever you see it on display. A pattern of truth-telling leads to confidence being placed in them by others.

    It’s important to note that this list of 12 Christ-like characteristics to affirm in your grandchildren is not by any means exhaustive. In your work of teaching and nurturing, be on the lookout for other demonstrations of Christlikeness (marked patterns of behavior that reflect the example of Christ.) When you witness them, be sure to speak or write your words of affirmation. This is an investment of worth.

    Deborah Haddix serves as co-director of Education & Resources for the Prayer Ministry of Christian Grandparenting Network and is the author of Biblical Portrait of Grandparenthood: Discovering and Living Out God’s Design for Our Role. She is also a blogger, speaker, and Christian Life Coach. Connect with Deborah at her website.

    Photo Credit: ©GettyImages/Aldo Murillo

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    Deborah Haddix

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  • 5 Ways to Navigate a Strained Mother-Child Relationship This Mother’s Day

    5 Ways to Navigate a Strained Mother-Child Relationship This Mother’s Day

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    Mother’s Day is a wonderful time to honor women who matter in our lives. It’s a chance to tell those who have invested in your life “thank you,” but it’s not an easy day for many. While many love the chance to lift up their mothers, for others, it can be a painful reminder of how things are not as they should be in this hugely important relationship. For mothers with children who have lost their way, it can be a time of grieving and a reminder of the hole that lives in your heart every day of the year. It can be tough for children whose mothers have walked away to say kind words about mothers when your own has hurt you so deeply.

    It’s easy to want to gloss over the complexities of this special day. We all want to avoid painful conversations; it’s just a part of how we were made. But we must leave space for us all to process whatever emotions Mother’s Day conjures up, both good and bad. For those of us excited to honor our cherished mothers, we need to ensure that we aren’t sharing our joy so loudly that we don’t hear the grief that others may be carrying alongside us.

    Here are some ideas on how to graciously walk through this Mother’s Day even when things are not as they should be:

    1. Share Your Story

    Photo Credit: ©iStock/Getty Images Plus/AsiaVision

    If this is a tough moment for you, share your story with someone you love. Don’t walk through this spring holiday alone feeling like the only person stuck without a child or mother to dote on. Others can empathize or maybe are processing their own grief. Your honesty can open the door for others to feel safe in sharing their struggles this year.

    The enemy wants to isolate us in our despair, leading to further negativity and sadness. Sharing the burden you may be carrying when it comes to your mother or children lightens the load. It makes space for relief and even joy amid this loss. If you don’t have a trusted friend to share your burden with, consider finding a counselor to help you wade through the loss you have experienced as this vital relationship struggles. We need each other and were not made to shoulder the weight of brokenness alone!

    2. Pray Over Your Relationship

    Sometimes we experience losses in our lives that feel so big we just don’t know how or what we could ever do to mend them. These are the times we need God on our side more than ever. If your child has walked away and found themselves trapped in a dark lifestyle, dedicate Mother’s Day to praying over their lives. God is the only one with the ultimate power to break the chains of sin and death that want to steal from our lives.

    If you have lost touch with your mother or have experienced tension in your relationship, pray that God will build a bridge between you and your Mother. Pray that forgiveness and new, more healthy patterns can be created between you. Ask God to restore the lost connection and heal the wounds that linger in your hearts.

    3. Reach Out in One Small Way

    Photo credit: ©GettyImages/fizkes

    If tension and hurt keep you from being together as a family, choose one small way to extend an olive branch of peace to your estranged loved ones. It could be a note expressing that you are thinking about them. A small gift to love on them with your generosity. You could invite them to spend a limited time together to test the waters, such as a short brunch. Post an honoring photo of your Mom or children on social media for Mother’s Day. Think of something that feels safe and kind that you can do to reach out.

    4. Set Healthy Boundaries

    Maybe you feel like there is no way around being with a destructive parent or child and dread the time spent together. You should not put yourself in harm’s way. You must establish healthy boundaries to protect your heart and mind when there has been abuse, neglect, or other trauma. Don’t feel that you have to say yes to every invite. Find ways to express your need for love and respect in your relationship. Consult trusted friends, mentors, and counselors to determine what is healthy and safe in your situation.

    5. Avoid Comparison

    Woman looking at her phone in jealousy

    Photo Credit: ©iStock/Getty Images Plus/tommaso79

    It’s so hard not to watch friends’ beautiful posts and start comparing ourselves to others. Discouragement, bitterness, and discontentment can grow in our hearts when we compare our situations to the images others share with the world. Each person’s story is different. God is always at work in the details of our lives. It’s dangerous to say I wish my life was different or better in a certain way to match up with others. We each carry different burdens, and God uses the trials in our lives to grow us up in His love. Don’t let the lies of a coveting heart trip you up this Mother’s Day.

    Strained relationships can be a heavy burden to carry in our lives. May you find the peace of God that surpasses all understanding, along with his gracious wisdom, as you walk through this challenging circumstance. We serve a miracle-working God, and there is no circumstance beyond his ability to repair and restore. He is working even when we don’t see it. May he do what only he can do on your behalf.

    Photo credit: ©Getty Images/fizkes

    Amanda Idleman is a writer whose passion is to encourage others to live joyfully. She writes devotions for My Daily Bible Verse Devotional and Podcast, Crosswalk Couples Devotional, the Daily Devotional App, she has work published with Her View from Home, on the MOPS Blog, and is a regular contributor for Crosswalk.com. You can find out more about Amanda on her Facebook Page or follow her on Instagram.

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  • Are Mentors All That Important?

    Are Mentors All That Important?

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    Mentors are people who teach, guide, and advise others who are younger than them. They normally teach them in areas such as Christian growth, ethics, or a certain field of study. In the modern day, mentors are not as common or encouraged. Since mentoring relationships aren’t as prevalent, many individuals question if they are important.

     Depending on the mentor and the age of life you are in, a mentor can be very important.

    Finding My Mentor

    Until college, I never really had a mentor. I had a mom and a dad, but never a direct mentor. It wasn’t until college that I actually had a mentor. My mentor was my missions professor, who became like a grandfather to me. He was the missions professor of the school, which meant he was the professor who taught us about missions, missiology, and intercultural studies. Since missions was one of my minors, I was taught by the missions professor throughout most semesters. I always left the class knowing more than I did before, and, more importantly, I left class with the feeling that I mattered.

    All before my mentor, teachers never encouraged me, nor did they support me. I never felt safe going to them. With my mentor, I was able to talk about school, the classes, and my walk with Christ. He believed in me when nobody else did—and before I could believe in myself. As part of my missions program, one of the classes was a missions internship. With my mental health battles, I was nervous to travel overseas, to say the least. Due to compulsions, anxiety, and depression, I was afraid of what was going to happen. 

    Encouragement from My Mentor

    Despite my fears, my mission professor believed in me and encouraged me as the day of my departure came closer. He and his wife even drove me to the airport and encouraged me the entire drive. To say I’m extremely grateful for both of them is an understatement. My mentor truly helped me overcome a huge obstacle by supporting me before, during, and after my mission internship. Once they had to leave me at the airport, I was afraid, but they had left me with the encouragement I needed.

    Did I stress out at the airport and call them? Of course. Did I end up crying and calling my family? Of course. I was scared, but through the encouragement and support of others, I was able to board the plane and head overseas. As nice as it would be to say that everything was smooth sailing from there, it wasn’t. I stayed with three missionary families while I was there, all of whom had to fill out evaluation forms on how well I was doing. I was struggling greatly there, not to mention a myriad of mental health issues that I didn’t feel comfortable sharing with them. 

    On each of these evaluation forms, I was given terrible reviews. I was doing everything they told me, yet form after form, my mentor was met with reviews that said I had too much emotional baggage or I had “spiritual problems.” These “spiritual problems” were simply the depression, anxiety, and anorexia that I had been struggling with for over a decade. With these negative evaluation forms, my mentor still believed in me, and I passed the class. Passing the class was a task in and of itself, but to know that my mentor believed in me, even after all the negative things that were written about me on the forms, was the greatest encouragement of all.

    Each of the three missionary families suggested that I wasn’t cut out for missionary work, but my mentor believed I was. To say the words from the missionary families didn’t hurt would be a lie. In fact, they hurt so much that it sent me on a downward spiral with my mental health for a long time after. They convinced me that I wasn’t good enough to be a missionary and that I had too many “problems.” 

    It’s funny how each of these missionary families could say I had too many problems, emotional baggage, and spiritual problems—because don’t we all? Don’t we all have past trauma, hurts, and pain? How many of us have a mental health issue and are afraid to tell others about it? Why are we scared? We are scared for the exact reason that they would label us as a “freak” or as someone with “spiritual problems.” We need more people who believe in us despite our illnesses and problems, who support us no matter what, just like my mentor. 

    Lasting Friendship with My Mentor

    In the aftermath of my trip, my mentor and I kept in touch even though he moved with his wife across the state to be with their family. Even though we don’t talk as much as we used to, I know I can always go to him when I’m in need of help, guidance, or advice. He never tires of my questions and he was never tired of how many times I would submit my assignments way too early. Since I had such a great experience with a mentor, I would say mentors are very important. Granted, not all mentors would be as supportive and encouraging as my mentor, but there are some great mentors out there—you just have to find them. 

    While I understand many individuals have had bad experiences with mentors, we need to know not all mentors are negative. In the case with my mentor, he wasn’t assigned to me, nor did someone tell me one day he was my mentor. Instead, he grew to be my mentor as I took his classes and relied on him for his knowledge of the field I was studying. Therefore, my piece of advice would be to find your own mentor and let it flow naturally. Nobody wants to be forced to be someone else’s mentor, yet over time, the right person can become the perfect mentor for you.

    Mentors are very important because they are wise and knowledgeable. My mentor was a university professor at my college, but your mentor might not be a professor. Your mentor might be your mom, dad, grandma, or grandpa. Even outside of the family, you can find a great mentor with spiritual/life advice. It might be your counselor, therapist, or your youth leader. When we stop trying to specifically look for a mentor, that is when we will find them. Ask God for His help and guidance as you try to find a mentor.

    The most important part of a mentor, by far, is his or her relationship with God. If they don’t know God, then it is best to choose a different mentor. If you’re going to have a mentor, it should be someone who loves God with all their heart, mind, and soul. A mentor without Jesus isn’t going to know how to lead you in a way that brings God glory. However, if you have a mentor who loves Jesus and follows Him faithfully, it will overflow in their lives and give glory to God. In time, you might become a mentor to someone, and you too will be able to share the love of Christ in your actions, just as my mentor did in my life. 

    Photo Credit: ©GettyImages/Zinkevych

    Vivian Bricker loves Jesus, studying the Word of God, and helping others in their walk with Christ. She has earned a Bachelor of Arts and Master’s degree in Christian Ministry with a deep academic emphasis in theology. Her favorite things to do are spending time with her family and friends, reading, and spending time outside. When she is not writing, she is embarking on other adventures.

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  • How to Break Up with a Friend (and Wish Them Well)

    How to Break Up with a Friend (and Wish Them Well)

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    The knife went in, only a bit deeper this time. A friend had spread gossip about me, ruining my reputation and, ultimately, our friendship. The person who was my friend became my enemy. 

    Insults were hurled; accusations were made; feelings were hurt. A myriad of emotions stung my psyche. Hurt. Betrayal. Anger. I had invested my time, money, and extensive resources in this person. Now it was all I could muster not to wish for a refund on this raw deal. 

    They were supposed to be our friends. How could they do this to us?

    As time went on, a new set of emotions emerged. Bitterness. Resentment. Rage. I was hesitant to forgive and reluctant to trust anyone again. As I reflected on my feelings, God reminded me of this verse in Luke 6:27-28: “But to you who are listening I say: Love your enemies, do good to those who hate you, bless those who curse you, pray for those who mistreat you.”

    After reading that verse, I knew I had the best weapon of all—the gift of blessing. Satan was trying to steal our joy, but I wasn’t going to let him get away with it. As God always does, He allows us to take part in the redemptive work He is doing in the lives of His children, thwarting Satan’s plans to seek vengeance. That meant instead of seeking retaliation, I could seek to bless those who curse me. 

    Bless rather than sling mud?

    Speak blessings rather than speak curses?

    Did I even have it in me?

    Even though that friend betrayed me, I could, through the truth of Scripture, end the relationship by speaking blessings over her life. It wouldn’t be easy, but I could find redemption in a toxic relationship. 

    What Makes a Relationship Toxic? 

    Here are the ingredients of a toxic friendship:

    First, trust has been broken. The most important part of any relationship is that both people can trust each other. When trust is broken, it is difficult to continue in the relationship. Both parties must feel safe in a friendship. When one person feels they can’t trust the other, it is time to move on. A friend is someone with whom one can share their innermost thoughts and feelings and know those thoughts will be held with the highest confidentiality. When that person confides in someone else what was said, the relationship is over. 

    Second, certain expectations must be met. Both parties should accept each other for who they are, not try to spend their time changing the other person. Each party must feel it is a safe space for them to share and be honest with each other. When one party creates an unsafe space for the other, it’s time to re-evaluate the relationship. A friend is someone who loves us regardless of the circumstances. When one party starts to put conditions or limits on that love, it’s a toxic situation that needs to be resolved immediately. 

    Third, if the relationship drains me physically, emotionally, and mentally, it’s time to end the friendship. Both parties must be getting something out of the relationship. It can’t be one-sided. When one person acts more like a therapist than a friend, it’s time to end the friendship. This is especially true if someone tends to take more than they give in their friendship. Distance is best in a relationship where one takes more than they give. However, I wouldn’t recommend simply ghosting someone but rather having a heart-to-heart conversation with them. Sometimes having a hard conversation with them is all it takes for the relationship to continue. If, after having a conversation with them, they’re hesitant to change, it’s time to end the relationship. 

    Fourth, if they disrespect boundaries, it’s time to end the friendship. Every relationship should have specific boundaries regarding emotional and mental space. This way, there are no ambiguities as to where the relationship begins and where it ends. If a friend disrespects your boundaries, whether it means breaking confidentiality, betraying your trust, or asserting themselves in situations where they don’t belong, it’s time to create some distance. 

    Fifth, if passive-aggressive or dismissive behavior emerges in your friendship, it’s time to call it quits. Friendship does not require that both parties agree on every issue, but a friend should value the other person’s perspective enough to hear her out and consider it. A person who merely dismisses a concern or becomes self-centered in their behavior is not a friend worth keeping. 

    Blessing Enemies—a Tall Order

    Friendships can be enriching and rewarding experiences for both parties. But if toxic behavior results in any of the situations above or in any other situation not mentioned here, it is time you take a timeout on your friendship. It will be hard to grieve the loss of a friend. But in the end, you’ll benefit emotionally, mentally, and physically because of it. 

    After allowing Luke 6:27-28 to work in my heart, I presented myself with a challenge. For one week, I would pray a prayer of blessing over my enemies in the hopes that it would not only change my perspective of the situation but also my heart. Only God could want me to offer this to Him because I resisted it with every fiber of my being.

    Reluctantly, I sat in my chair and spoke this prayer aloud:

    “Lord, please bless ________. I know he/she is my enemy right now, but please bring your healing to the situation. Turn our turmoil into peace, our sorrow into joy, and our despair into hope.”

    On Monday, the words were like eating sour lemons—downright unpleasant. By Wednesday, they came a bit more naturally. By Friday, they tasted sweet like honey, rewarding them and me. 

    Praying a prayer of blessing over my enemies is a tall order. When I think about the situation, it still brings up feelings of anger and betrayal. Yet, Jesus afforded me the gift of forgiveness with His death on the cross. If He can bless His enemies then so can I. It’s far from easy, but worth it because blessing someone who hates me makes me love them even more. Every time I do it, something within me changes. My character becomes more like Jesus. The words become less bitter and a little sweeter. My thoughts are a little less angry and a little more peaceful.

    I hope one morning when I utter those words, I won’t have to think twice about them. I hope they will roll off my tongue with ease. I’m not quite there yet, but I’m getting there. Like Proverbs 16:24 says, “Gracious words are a honeycomb, sweet to the soul and healing to the bones.”

    Photo Credit: ©Getty Images/MangoStar_Studio

    Michelle S. Lazurek is a multi-genre award-winning author, speaker, pastor’s wife, and mother. She is a literary agent for Wordwise Media Services and a certified writing coach. Her new children’s book Who God Wants Me to Be encourages girls to discover God’s plan for their careers. When not working, she enjoys sipping a Starbucks latte, collecting 80s memorabilia, and spending time with her family and her crazy dog. For more info, please visit her website www.michellelazurek.com.

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  • What Does “Love the Sinner, Hate the Sin” Mean?

    What Does “Love the Sinner, Hate the Sin” Mean?

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    Words are powerful. Words can build a person up or tear a person apart. Proverbs 18:21 tell us, “Words kill, words give life; they’re either poison or fruit—you choose.” Words can be a weapon of grace and mercy – breathing life into weary souls. And then there are those words spun from malicious tongues that can strip the oxygen from our lungs.

    Inspiring words can change circumstances for the better – legendary speech transcends time. There are sentences begging to be highlighted in our favorite books and pages to dog-ear and reread a thousand times. Healthy aspirations and stirring quotes get penned on sticky notes. And then lies a sacred space for the words committed to memory. They meld together like they were always meant to be. These words play a lyrical prose of soothing notes or dramatic keys stored tightly in your temporal lobe. Yes, these words are often attached to a moment when they had set sail to your soul, mended your heart, or ripped it apart. 

    The Origin of “Love the Sinner, Hate the Sin”

    I have heard these exact words several times in my life. Some call it a cliché or quote. I call it legendary because “Love the Sinner, Hate the Sin” has stood the test of time. According to an article on Catholic Answers, these words are first attributed to St. Augustine. “His Letter 211 (c. 424) contains the phrase Cum dilectione hominum et odio vitiorum, which translates roughly to ‘With love for mankind and hatred of sins.’” Then the article says, “The phrase has become more famous as ‘love the sinner but hate the sin’ or ‘hate the sin and not the sinner’ (the latter form appearing in Mohandas Gandhi’s 1929 autobiography).”

    Although “love the sinner, hate the sin” does not appear word for word in the Bible, the concept and command to love the sinner but despise the sin certainly appears throughout the New Testament. Jude 1:22-23 says, “Be merciful to those who doubt; save others by snatching them from the fire; to others show mercy, mixed with fear—hating even the clothing stained by corrupted flesh.” Our job is to love the human who is perfectly human but hate the tainted flesh that desires the very actions and things that seek to destroy the person’s relationship with God. And this is a tough job to succeed at. 

    Throughout the living pages of the Bible, Jesus shows us how this is done. He shows us how to dine with the sinner, exude kindness to the ostracized and outcast, and forgive the unforgivable – right up to His very last breath on this fallen earth. “Father, forgive them, for they do not know what they are doing” (Luke 23:34). Jesus’s ultimate sacrifice on that tree demonstrated that flawed sinners are worthy of His compassion and love. He perfectly separated the human from his flaws. He gave His life so that we would have eternal life with Him, free from the stain of our fleshly desires.

    The Testing of Faith

    “He is a very flawed man, but he is still worthy of your compassion.” I have repeated these words over and over again lately. The past several months have been trying, and my faith has been put to the test repeatedly. And I have been hanging on to every last letter of that wisdom as I come to terms with a new revelation in the life of someone I love. Someone who needs me to love them despite their flaws. 

    Certain sins can change everything you know and think about a person. I recently heard, “Love the sinner, hate the sin.” As I said, I had listened to this statement before. However, this time, the words were used in context as I braced myself while learning of the sinful acts of someone close to me. My breath escaped me, with clouded vision and ringing ears. And yet I heard every syllable annunciated loud and clear as if it was commanded through a bullhorn. My heart and mind beckoned to the will of time to rewind a few minutes and let me go on in my blissful, naive state. It would be better that way. But instead, I would have to learn to separate sin from the soul – to love and hate simultaneously. 

    I want to report that I am handling this situation and challenge like a champ, but I regress that it has been hard to walk this line of love and hate. A line has been drawn in the sand, and I’ve battled with the ship-wrecking wind breaking my heart into millions of grain-sized pieces. Every time I draw the words “I love you” in the coarse yet soft combination of minerals and rocks, a wave erases that emotion. Again, I stare at the blank canvas before me while my fragile heart sways to the rhythm of the sea. How easy is it to bestow compassion on the victim? To the oppressed? But the challenge lies in extending this empathy to the oppressor. 

    For years, I’ve been faithfully and consistently writing in my prayer journal for God to teach me to love unconditionally or “love them anyways,” as I like to put it sometimes. I always thought I was good at loving. It’s easy to love, I decided. And I’ve been praying for this moment to love without conditions. To throw all reasoning and caution to the wind, channel my inner “Mother Teresa” and rise to the occasion. But I thought my test would be to love an unfriendly neighbor, an unruly child, or an old classmate who gossiped about me.  

    But that is not how God usually works. And I know from experience that if I write or will for God to teach me something, I must be willing to roll up my sleeves and dig deep. God often seems to lead me experientially with hands-on training, or hearts-on training in this case. I’ve been tasked with writing the second of The Greatest Commandment on double-lined paper, much like a child writes his spelling words. Committed to memory, etched in my heart, and lived out by my actions – I will learn to “Love my neighbor as myself” (Mark 12:31). And I’m adding the word ‘regardless’ here – to love without conditions means to love regardless of someone’s sins.

    What Does “Love the Sinner, Hate the Sin” Truly Mean?

    It doesn’t mean to condone the sin or turn a blind eye to it. It means to go against the grain and every natural impulse to associate the person with sin. After all, sin without repentance and salvation leads to death, and if we love someone, even our enemies, we want everlasting life for them. “Then, after desire has conceived, it gives birth to sin; and sin, when it is full-grown, gives birth to death” (James 1:15). It certainly doesn’t mean to drop your boundaries or allow the sinner in your life when that person is your oppressor. However, there is a place in our hearts for everyone we come across, and our actions of love have the power to heal. 

    Hating sin also means we must humbly approach the fact that we are all sinners, taking inventory of our fleshly nature. Otherwise, we must bear the label of a hypocrite. “Why do you look at the speck of sawdust in your brother’s eye and pay no attention to the plank in your own eye? How can you say to your brother, ‘Let me take the speck out of your eye,’ when all the time there is a plank in your own eye? You hypocrite, first take the plank out of your own eye, and then you will see clearly to remove the speck from your brother’s eye” (Matthew 7:3-5).

    It means we choose to love or to “love them anyways,” as I like to write it. And how do we do that? It takes prayer, faith, and courage, my friend. It takes small steps to uncast the stone hardening our hearts and fully trusting God with the command He asks of us. We must prepare to be tested and refined to learn how to be Christ-like. We must step uninhibited and fully willing to walk the road He has set for us. 

    As for me and this path God has me stumbling through, I will choose the actions of love and compassion until my heart and mind have time to catch up. I’m choosing love, even when it hurts. I’m loving the sinner while hating the sin.

    Photo Credit: ©GettyImages/ Blasius Erlinger

    Darcie Fuqua is a Business Analyst, Auburn Grad (War Eagle!), Christian blogger & podcast host, and mental health advocate. She is from the deep south of Alabama, where she currently resides with her husband, two energetic fun-loving boys, and a dog named Charlie. She loves sinking her toes in the sand, cuddling with her boys, and having great conversations over a table of good food. You can read more of her writing on her website www.leightonlane.com and connect with her on Facebook and Instagram. Check out Darcie’s latest project as cohost of Therapy in 10.

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  • 5 Ways to Love Your Unsaved Friends

    5 Ways to Love Your Unsaved Friends

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    Interestingly, Jesus chose 12 young men who, at the time, had no real relationship with God. They resided within the fringe of religiosity. They were Jews, yes, but not born-again believers in Jesus Christ. That didn’t happen until after Jesus’ death and resurrection. Until that time, they were disciples (“learners”) and friends of the man they hoped was the Messiah, the one who would redeem them from Roman rule.

    Does that surprise you: that Jesus chose unsaved, Jewish-born men to be his closest followers? That was his intention, honestly. He was sent by God to purposely “seek and save the lost” (Luke 19:10). Seek in Greek (zēteō) means “to search for, to crave.” Jesus intentionally searched out and craved relationships with those who were unregenerate, with those who were the antithesis of himself: sinless, pure, and holy.

    The reason I bring this up is that many believers today have unsaved friends in their circle of relationships, and they may feel guilty (or even ashamed) that they do. After all, some believers think that Christians should keep the unsaved at a distance, citing 1 Corinthians 15:33 as justification. Yet, we, of all people, should, like Jesus, be seeking out the unsaved, craving their friendship (though not their influence), with the intention of being ambassadors for the Almighty, out of obedience to fulfilling the Great Commission of “making disciples,” and with the hope of bringing these unsaved friends to the Light, to receive the free gift of grace through faith.

    I have unsaved friends and acquaintances. And I believe, based on Jesus’ example with his disciples, that that’s a good thing. From my own experience, here are a few ways (which are not exhaustive) to express our love to our unsaved friends. These can also apply to unsaved family members, co-workers, neighbors—anyone in your relationship sphere who doesn’t know Jesus as Savior and Lord.

    1. Value Them

    This should go without saying, but in fact, in our culture today, which is so fraught with polarization around issues, sometimes we believers can tend to—perhaps unknowingly and unintentionally—“devalue” those who hold opposite principles than us. We can tend to think less of them, dismiss them, and even pass judgment on them out of self-righteousness and false piety.

    But every person, whether we agree with them politically, morally, religiously, or ethically, has value for the simple fact that they are created by God and bear his image. Even in their sinful state, they still carry his imprint. They bear the common-grace markings of him through the expression of emotions, intellect, and creativity.

    So, first off, value each unsaved friend as a God-created, God-imprinted person. Look past their opinions, beliefs, and leanings. Look at them through the lens of Creation, based on Genesis 1:27: “So God created mankind in his image, in the image of God he created them; male and female he created them” (emphasis added).

    2. Accept Them

    Accept them where they’re at. The unsaved are going to act as, well, unsaved. Their souls, minds, and hearts are unregenerated. They will think, believe, and act out of their sin-nature. They will speak profanely, they will drink (often to excess), they will be promiscuous, and they will slander and hate. They will act foolishly, irrationally, and sinfully.

    Given this, we’re not to condemn them. Frankly, we should expect them act unbecomingly in their depravity. It should not shock us nor surprise us. After all, we once did, too, before we surrendered our lives to Jesus as Savior and to the Holy Spirit as Sanctifier (Titus 3:3).

    Therefore, God says we have no business passing judgment on our worldly-minded, worldly-living, unsaved friends, based on 1 Corinthians 5:12: “What business is it of mine to judge those outside the church? Are you not to judge those inside?”

    However, we aren’t to condone their behavior, either. We graciously accept them as a person without condoning their sinful choices. But when asked, we gently and respectfully tell them we don’t agree or approve of their behavior (1 Peter 3:16), and we use the opportunity to share how we are compelled, because of what Jesus did for us, to now live under the guidance of God’s ways.

    Photo Credit: ©GettyImages/PeopleImages 

    3. Listen to Them

    Oftentimes we think the best way to show love is to talk—even if it’s about God—when in actuality, it’s to listen. That old idiom, “God gave us one mouth and two ears,” rings true in this case. When people feel listened to—really listened to—they feel respected, valued, and cared about.

    Not to mention that God values a genuinely attentive listener. “Understand this, my dear brothers and sisters: you must all be quick to listen, slow to speak, and slow to get angry” (James 1:19).

    As people, they also have hopes and dreams, desires and aspirations, and pain and long-buried hurts, some of which may have been caused by the Church or other Christians. Listening to them helps us to build commonality with them, and compassion for them, especially in their suffering.

    Listening also breeds understanding. We may not agree with our friend’s views, but listening allows us to come to an understanding of how and why they think and believe the way they do. Furthermore, people like nothing more than to be understood and appreciated for their opinions, values, and beliefs, even if they’re on the wrong side of the Bible.

    Another benefit of listening—which was a new thought for me—is that it breeds patience in us, the listener. Says Mental Health Training in its podcast, “Sitting and listening to someone you disagree with is difficult. You will have to have patience. And if you haven’t already developed the necessary tolerance for this task, just the practice of hearing others more often will help you to create it. If you find you are struggling with the activity, try to remember you are listening to learn something new. You can also listen with the intent to ask questions, and this will help you focus on the words the other person is saying more carefully.”

    So, listen to learn and understand. Listen to show respect and value. Listen to cultivate patience and compassion.

    Conversely, listening will also earn you the right to be listened to. Tit for tat, so to speak. And then you have the wonderful opportunity to speak the truths of God, and your unsaved friend will likely be more apt to listen.

    4. Pray for Them

    “Prayer is the work,” someone once told me. How true that is. Prayer is the behind-the-scenes work in which all believers should be engaged. Prayer is the work of seeking open doors for Gospel witnessing, of building God’s Kingdom. James even tells us that “the prayer of a righteous person is powerful and effective” (James 5:16).

    With regards to your unsaved friends (or whomever the Lord has burdened your heart with):

    5. Show Them Grace

    Jesus was God’s grace personified. He came not to condemn but to show grace to those who least deserved it: the sinners. He extended a helping hand to those who were suffering, a kind word to those who were desperate, and, when necessary, he spoke truth in confronting sin, yet with love. Grace upon grace.

    We should be God’s grace personified, as well, to our unsaved friends. We may be the only people who show them grace when they fail or sin grievously. Our extending grace to them when all others are judging and dismissing may just be what they need to experience for them to finally see their need for a Savior, to repent, and to receive salvation.

    Conclusion

    As believers in Christ, yes, we’re called to remain holy (“separate”) in our conduct and are not to conform to this world. But that isn’t justification to withdraw from the world or from its people. Quite the opposite. Distancing ourselves from the unsaved is not an option, nor is it biblical. Rather, Jesus told his disciples and us to “Go” into the world (“to all nations”) and to make disciples. And many times, that happens when we intentionally and prayerfully build genuine friendships with the unsaved.

    Photo Credit: ©GettyImages/Sarah Mason 

    denise kohlmeyer crosswalk authorDenise is a former newspaper reporter and current freelance writer. She has been published in numerous online and print publications. She is also a former Women’s Bible Study teacher. Denise’s passion is to use her writing to bless, encourage, and inform others. She lives outside of Chicago with her husband and two children (another has grown and flown). You can find Denise at denisekohlmeyer.com.

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    Denise Kohlmeyer

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  • 4 Steps to Take When You Need to Forgive Someone

    4 Steps to Take When You Need to Forgive Someone

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    The last step is to just say yes and forgive. As Nike would say, “just do it.” However, when you forgive, do it sincerely and completely. When you do this and you release the person who hurt you, you are actually releasing yourself.

    Unforgiveness is a prison that you walk into and willingly lock the door behind you. It keeps you trapped in the past and hinders you from living fully and freely in the present. Therefore, it hurts your future. I am not saying this from a place of condemnation. I am saying this from a place of experience because I was the one who was trapped. When I came to the place where I forgave, the unnecessary weight I was carrying was gone and it made me wonder why I waited so long to do this.

    How Do You Know When You Have Forgiven Someone?

    As I wrap this up, there is this last question to address. How do you know when you have truly forgiven someone who hurt you? Here are two quick answers.

    The first is when you remember the hurt, but the sting is gone. There really is no such thing as forgive and forget because our minds don’t work that way. Only God can forgive and forget. However, you can get to the place where, even though you remember the offense, it no longer hurts and you don’t hold it against that person.

    The second way you know you have forgiven is when you can do something towards that person which you could not do before. This might be as simple as praying sincerely for them, having a conversation with them, sharing a meal, writing a letter, or sending a card for their birthday. Whatever the action is, it is one you could not do before, but you can do now.

    Conclusion

    Let me recap the 4 steps to help you forgive others.  

    1. Perspective

    2. Remember

    3. Acknowledge

    4. Yes

    If you caught it the acronym is P.R.A.Y. When you are struggling with unforgiveness, then remember P.R.A.Y. and don’t just remember it as an acronym, but also as an action, because as you pray, God will empower you to help you choose to forgive.

    Photo credit: ©Getty Images/seb_ra

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    Clarence L. Haynes Jr.

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