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Amid mounting international pressure for the Israel-Hamas war to end, Israeli Prime Minister Benjamin Netanyahu today detailed his vision for postwar Gaza, though the plans have sparked more controversy than concord. The Onion breaks down each point proposed in the plan and how it will affect Gaza.
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Beyoncé’s debut country song ‘Texas Hold ‘Em’ reached No. 1 on Billboard’s Hot Country Songs chart, making her only the second woman to do so as a solo artist and the first Black female artist to hold the top spot. What do you think?
“I hope she’s ready to deal with this level of fame.”
Antoni Guevara, Storm Chaser
“It certainly helps to be married to one of country music’s biggest stars.”
Monika Hartley, Hamster Breeder
“Nice to see Texas finally get a shout-out in a country song.”
Theon Mullins, Audiologist
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Sam Mendes announced that he is directing four separate feature-length biopics about the Beatles, with each being told through the eyes of a different band member, set to be released at once in 2027. What do you think?
“Does he really believe the world will care about four kids from Liverpool?”
Kyle Hayden, Swim Goggle Sizer
“I worry this will ruin the mystique surrounding the band.”
Chelsey Singh, Root Canal Observer
“Good, I’ve always wanted to learn about the Beatles, but I hate listening to music.”
Romario Holcomb, systems analyst
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DETROIT—Drawing ire from the costumed fandom at the item’s price and political implications, former president Donald Trump was reportedly booed Tuesday at a local furry convention while hawking his new $399 Never Surrender Trump Tail. “Folks, this is a tremendous tail, really tremendous—perfect for bringing your fursona to life like never before,” said Trump, who turned to show that he was wearing his own fake fur-based tail while ignoring incensed cries of “He’s a Steve!” and several dog-paw-shaped gloves thrown his way by the increasingly enraged crowd. “Some of you don’t like me. That’s okay. I like you. You’re all fur heads, right? Some fluffies. Some musclefurs. See? I get it. And this tail, my God, this tail is fantastic for murrsuits. Well-made. High-quality design. You get a whole furpile where everyone’s wearing this tail? It’ll have you saying ‘Yiff!’ in no time at all.” At press time, reports confirmed the Never Surrender Trump Tail was being resold on eBay for several thousand dollars above retail price.
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Red-pilled individuals claim they have awakened to the truth that no-fault divorce, spousal support, custody laws, and many other things associated with marriage are biased against men. The Onion asked red-pilled Americans to explain why men should never get married, and this is what they said.
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ATHENS, GREECE—With passage of the law marking a first for a majority Orthodox Christian nation, Greece officially legalized same-sex marriage Thursday in a bid to do more of that wedding dance they do, according to members of Parliament. “This is a historic moment that will dramatically increase the number of times a year we get to do that fun dance we Greeks have at all our weddings,” said center-right Prime Minister Kyriakos Mitsotakis, whose government was backed by four left-wing parties in stauch support of joining hands or holding that piece of fabric they hold and moving in rhythm with one another in that “whole elaborate number” they always do at the reception after somebody gets married. “This is a long-overdue win for all those who never had the opportunity to join the big circle in which we go around in one direction for a while, and then go around in the other direction for a while. May we all take this moment to remove our suit jackets, unbutton our dress shirts, and intermittently exclaim ‘Opa!’ while moving in a synchronized fashion to the sound of a… What is that? A bouzouki? Probably it’s a bouzouki.” At press time, the streets of Athens reportedly rang out with that “Ba-da-da-da, ba-da-da-da” song they do that dance to.
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LONDON—Eliciting loud gasps from spectators as he posed for photos, actor Timothée Chalamet stunned at the Dune: Part Two premiere Thursday night by wearing a metal saucepan on his head. “It was a daring fashion choice, but Chalamet certainly made a statement by donning a 3-quart All-Clad stainless steel saucepan on the red carpet,” said fashion critic Eric Jeffries, adding that the pan, which was a vintage 1995 model, covered his hair, eyes, and nose, making it difficult for the 28-year-old to see. “Although Timothée initially had trouble walking due to the pan obscuring his vision, he was ultimately able to pull off it off with confidence and panache. And to top it all off, he completed his cyborg-chic look with a whisk in his left hand and a big wooden spoon in his right. Fashion will never be the same.” According to reports the crowd at the premiere gasped when Chalamet changed into a big cardboard box covered in duct tape with the word “robot” written on the front.
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Representatives for Usher confirmed that the the star and longtime girlfriend Jennifer Goicoechea, a senior vice president at Epic Records, tied the knot at the Vegas Weddings chapel after the Super Bowl where Usher headlined the halftime show, with the couple stating that they “look forward to continuing to raise their children together surrounded by love.” What do you think?
“Hold on, let me see if I placed on prop bet on that.”
Marshall Bouvet, Subpoena Filer
“I guess women really dig halftime performers.”
Ezekiel Barrett, Rock Climbing Guide
“Lord forgive me, for I have unwittingly lusted over the dripping-wet abs of a man betrothed to another.”
Regina Cousins, Unemployed
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HOUSTON—Calling the popular musician traitorous for failing to support President George W. Bush in a time of crisis, thousands of country stations across America reportedly refused to play Beyoncé’s music Thursday after the artist condemned the Iraq War. “If she doesn’t want to support our troops risking their lives out there for the cause of freedom, then we don’t need her,” said country radio executive Hunter Roeloffs, one of many station owners who blacklisted the recent singles “Texas Hold ’Em” and “16 Carriages” after controversial comments in which the star expressed reservations about the U.S.-led Coalition invasion of Iraq—remarks that also led to a reported drop in ticket sales and Beyoncé losing a sponsorship deal with Lipton. “Unlike Miss Knowles, we’re proud Americans here at 100.3 the Bull. We support freedom, whether it’s here or in the Middle East. So when she says innocent lives will be lost, I can’t help but wonder how she could possibly think a bloodthirsty dictator like Saddam Hussein is innocent. And then there’s that line of hers about being ashamed of President Bush? Well, we’re ashamed of her. How about that?” At press time, Beyoncé had attracted additional criticism from the country music scene after rebranding herself as the Chicks.
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People across America are exchanging candy and flowers with their sweethearts for Valentine’s Day, but each individual has their own preferred way to show their partner they care. How are you celebrating Valentines’ Day?
“Giving my annual ‘I know I haven’t been the world’s best husband’ speech.”
Harri Huber, Cloud Watcher
“Refraining from adultery for 24 hours.”
Asma Pollard, Systems Analyst
“I’ll be scoping out targets for a slip and fall scam.”
Nelson Eban, Amateur Accountant
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Claiming that the ad was created “without any involvement or approval from my campaign” Robert F. Kennedy Jr. apologized to his family for any pain caused by his Super Bowl ad that used JFK’s campaign song and inserted RFK into 1960s imagery, despite keeping the ad pinned to the top of his X page. What do you think?
“Whenever I want to earnestly apologize to my family, I do it publicly.”
Jessica Vuong, Cocking Assistant
“The weirdest part was that it was an ad for Gatorade Frost.”
Adrien Loach, Lunch Planner
“Americans have no respect for their uncles.”
Rex Carlini, Executive Therapist
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LAS VEGAS—Noting that the dazzling Super Bowl performances had been fun but largely antithetical to the competition, sources confirmed Sunday that yet another field goal had been blocked by Cirque Du Soleil performers doing acrobatics on a goal post. “It’s great to see so many sparking leotards and death-defying aerial stunts, but they keep knocking the ball straight out of the air whenever a kicker tries to score,” said spectator Carla Jeffries, adding that no matter how many times the referees blew the whistle, the Cirque Du Soleil performers continued to cartwheel, somersault, and backflip across goalposts at each end of the field. “At first it didn’t seem like a big deal, but then the aerial performers descended from the poles, started riding giant bicycles, walking on stilts, and completely blocking the players from even entering in the end zone. Also, we couldn’t hear anything over the speakers blaring ‘All You Need Is Love.’ Overall, it was extremely frustrating.” At press time, the crowd began to boo after David Copperfield appeared on the field in a puff of smoke and made the ball disappear every time Patrick Mahomes or Brock Purdy tried to throw it.
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New research from scientists in the U.K. indicates that older men taking Viagra are 18% less likely to develop Alzheimer’s disease, with the researchers speculating that because the medication relaxes blood vessels, it could be improving blood flow in the brain as well as other areas of the body. What do you think?
“I’ll do anything to make sure my erections don’t get Alzheimer’s.”
Douglas Leith, Anchovy Salter
“I knew my natural gift of maintaining solid, long-lasting erections would one day come back to haunt me.”
Rahul Dorsey, Infant Counselor
“Good. What a tragedy it would be to become rock hard but fail to remember what a boner does.”
Ivan Israni, unemployed
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VATICAN CITY—Appearing at the altar of St. Peter’s Basilica in the same vestments he’d worn the day before, a hungover Pope Francis reportedly played a Bible-themed movie Thursday during morning mass. “All right, so today for church we’re going to watch a video I think everybody will enjoy,” the pope said in Latin, rubbing his temples, rolling a cart holding a 32-inch TV across the sanctuary floor, and inserting a VHS tape of the 1949 film Samson and Delilah for the visibly excited congregation to watch. “Now I’m just going to dim the lights, take this chalice of wine into the corner, consecrate it as the blood of Jesus, and hope that a little hair of the Christ kills this fucking headache.” At press time, reports confirmed the faithful were too transfixed by the film to notice the Supreme Pontiff vomiting in a baptismal font.
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A federal appeals court ruled that former President Donald Trump is not immune from prosecution for his actions while in the White House and in the leadup to the Jan. 6 attack on the Capitol, the decision serving as a definitive rejection of Trump’s previous claims that he could not be tried. What do you think?
“Convicting Trump risks angering his otherwise pleasant base.”
Bryson Cuz, Paternity Expert
“Funny how crime is illegal when a conservative does it.”
Brodie Delarosa, Systems analyst
“This makes becoming president almost seem not even worth it.”
Taliyah Foster, Poison Tester
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Following a procedure to reduce an enlarged prostate, King Charles III, 75, was diagnosed with “a form of cancer” and is stepping down from public duties while he undergoes treatment. What do you think?
“I’m shocked. He’s always been the picture of health and vigor.”
Andrea Byrd, Shoe Rehabilitator
“Has his next of kin been gleefully notified?”
Marco Sharp, Yam Salesman
“Can I wear his crown while he’s sick?”
Bryson Finnegan, Dictionary Auditor
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