MINNEAPOLIS—Condemning the father for resorting to such a harsh and outdated treatment for an innocent front-of-house worker, patrons at the Culpepper Café told reporters Friday they were disgusted to see a parent spanking his crying busboy like that. “Jeez, just because he takes away your nacho platter before you’re totally done, you resort to physically punishing him? The poor kid doesn’t know any better!” said diner Sandra Knutson, describing her visceral repulsion at seeing the busser bent over the father’s knee and reduced to tears as he was repeatedly slapped across the rear end. “I would never treat my busboy that way. Sure, maybe I’d yell at him a little or tell him he’s been a very bad busboy and he ought to have his wages withheld until he learns to behave better. But watching this makes me feel like I’m in a diner back in the 1950s.” At press time, the busboy had reportedly run away from the restaurant and was last seen digging around in a back alley dumpster, where he bussed whatever scraps of food he could find and left the trash receptacle spic-and-span.
Tag: The Onion
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Nation Shrugs After Hearing Trump Guilty Verdict, Unpauses ‘MILF Manor’
NEW YORK—In the wake of the landmark trial that made him the first person to both serve as president of the United States and be convicted of a felony, the entire nation reportedly shrugged Thursday after hearing about the 34 guilty charges for Donald J. Trump and then unpaused the most recent episode of MILF Manor. “Huh—what’s going on? Something about Trump? That’s fine,” said 43-year-old Springfield, MA resident Mary Wilcox, echoing the reaction of millions of Americans who responded to the historic verdict by nodding their head to acknowledge that it had occurred and then returning to an episode of the TLC reality series entitled “How To Lose A MILF In 10 Days” in which the contestants go on a romantic beach excursion. “I’m not actually sure how the news even got on my TV. Maybe I sat on the remote wrong? Probably won’t vote anyway. Okay, there, now it’s loading up again. God, that Jami looks amazing. Being a dance instructor is really paying off for her.” At press time, the visibly emotional nation had jumped to its feet and shouted at the unprecedented decision of Kelly Mac to wear a cheeky bikini at the age of 59.
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Pope Francis Issues Apology For Using Slur For Gay Men
Pope Francis has apologized for using a derogatory term about gay men in a discussion with Italian bishops during which he reaffirmed the Catholic Church’s ban on gay priests, a policy that stands at odds with previous statements that there is room for everyone in the Catholic church. What do you think?
“Well, you have to expect some locker room talk when hanging out with bishops.”
Korben Porter, Financial Distiller
“Even the Catholic Church can make the occasional LGBTQ misstep.”
Leanna Rowe, Ham Slicer
“I kind of like the romance of being dehumanized in Italian.”
Fletcher Boyle, Spreadsheet Navigator
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Basement Pit
Stumble inside and you will be fed daily for free. No heat. Bucket provided for waste. $950/mo.
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College Student Visiting Friend Shocked To Discover Other Schools Have Tradition Where They Drink To Excess
PROVIDENCE, RI—While visiting a hometown friend at Brown University, college sophomore Caleb Martin was reportedly shocked Monday to discover that other schools have traditions where they drink to excess. “It’s as if they stole the idea directly from our own lineage at Tufts, right down to the whole concept of consuming alcoholic beverages to the point of inebriation, and then just claimed it was their own,” said the visibly stunned Martin, shaking his head in disbelief while listing off the eerie similarities to his own school’s cherished rituals of drinking a significant amount of cheap beer and hard liquor over the course of a weekend. “Yes, they drink Hamm’s here, whereas we tend to favor Keystone Light. But the fundamentals are really surprisingly similar. Ultimately, though, it seems like their tradition is just as ingrained as our own, and in fact might date back decades earlier. What an odd coincidence.” Martin added that thankfully his school would always be able to distinguish itself with its unique drinking game, which involved throwing ping-pong balls into red Solo cups.
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Biden Bounces Back In Polls As Americans Notice Netflix Added A Few Good Shows Recently
WASHINGTON—With his approval rating recovering among people likely to vote in the 2024 election, President Joe Biden enjoyed a surge in the polls this week after Americans noticed Netflix had added a few good shows recently. “It appears that the tide is finally turning in Biden’s favor now that voters have stumbled onto pretty decent shows like Baby Reindeer and Dead Boy Detectives,” said political analyst Aaron Higgins, adding that the shift signaled a renewed optimism with regard to what might lie ahead for American television. “While there was some lingering nostalgia for the Stranger Things episodes of the Trump era, many poll respondents answered in the affirmative when asked if their watchlists looked better now than they did four years ago. Data from recent surveys also indicated that Biden could effectively clinch a second term if he brought back Glow.” At press time, Biden had begun plummeting in the polls after Americans discovered the Hunger Games movies would be leaving Netflix at the end of the month.
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DOJ Sues Live Nation For Ticketmaster Monopoly
The Department of Justice filed an antitrust lawsuit seeking to break up Live Nation, which controls 80% of ticketing at major concert venues through Ticketmaster, alleging that it monopolizes the live events industry. What do you think?
“Hope they go after the guy that sold me bad weed at a Guster concert next.”
Rahul Avery, Rooftop Gardner
“But who will I pay my 60 dollars in service fees to?”
Shanae Bass, Livestock Groomer
“Kind of hypocritical coming from a group that has basically cornered the market on justice.”
David Cantirino, Pipe Fitter
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Report: School Shootings Either Way Down Or Too Depressing For Media To Cover
WASHINGTON—Shedding light on the possible reasons for a dip in such news coverage, a report released Friday found that school shootings were either way down or too depressing for the media to cover. “Really, there are two possibilities here: It could be that there’s been some remarkable progress on getting guns out of the hands of potential school shooters, or it might be that journalists and editors all collectively decided the problem was too painful and intractable and turned away entirely,” read the report, which confirmed that the general sense of there being less live footage of parents weeping in school parking lots recently could certainly be because of a sea change in the rate of such tragedies in America, although it was equally likely that most media outlets had simply ceased paying attention for the benefit of their viewers’ mental health. “It’s funny, because I can’t think of the last time I heard the words ‘the following footage may be disturbing to some viewers’ uttered on national news, especially above the chyron ‘School Under Lockdown’ or alongside the name of some small town that will never be the same again. Possibly, that means something has changed for the better in this country. Or maybe the problem has gotten so bad that even contemplating it would completely rob viewers of whatever hope they had left. Kind of unclear at this point.” The report went on to speculate on a third possibility: that such stories were still being covered, but that the American populace had gotten so disillusioned at this point that such imagery no longer even registered.
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Study Finds Daily Marijuana Use Outpaces Alcohol In U.S.
A study based on the National Survey on Drug Use and Health found that more people in the United States use marijuana daily than alcohol, with 17.7 million people reporting using pot daily or nearly every day. What do you think?
“With good time-management, there’s room for both.”
Wyatt Brezinski, Wakeboard Calibrator
“Makes sense. Weed never made me piss my pants on a mechanical bull.”
Yvonne Caughran, Tantric Psychiatrist
“That’s okay. I didn’t get into alcoholism because I thought it was trendy.”
Herschel Pennucci, unemployed
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Elvis Presley’s Granddaughter Sues Company Attempting To Sell Graceland
Elvis Presley’s granddaughter Riley Keough, who owns the Graceland estate, successfully blocked the auction of Elvis’s former home by the company Naussany Investments, which may have fraudulently initiated the foreclosure by claiming that Lisa Marie Presley used Graceland as collateral for a loan. What do you think?
“Good compounds are hard to come by these days.”
Joint Pathologist, Klay Mcneil
“It’s a shame, Graceland would have made a great Airbnb.”
Mike Bernardo, Cream Infuser
“That the guy who died on the toilet?”
Brandy Crosby, unemployed
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Jake Paul’s Private Jet Struck By Lightning
After a press conference for his upcoming fight with Mike Tyson, Jake Paul posted a video to Instagram showing turbulence in his private jet and claiming that it had been struck by lightning. What do you think?
“Clearly not enough.”
Braden Macgregor, Tree Debarker
“Is he the shitty brother or the terrible one?”
Taio Gibbs, Fish Sitter
“Lucky. Near-death experiences are great for engagement.”
Rowena Marriott, Rheumatologist
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West Virginia Candidate Bitten By Snakes While Removing Election Signs
West Virginia Secretary of State candidate Doug Skaff was hospitalized last week after being bitten by a copperhead snake while taking down his election signs along Route 119. What do you think?
“Route 119? You mean Snake Street?”
Digby Wallace, Lint Sweeper
“Big deal. I’ve bitten plenty of candidates.”
Marwan Mullins, Fowl Exporter
“Doesn’t he know signs belong to the snakes once they’re in the ground?”
Haya Ramos, Salon Hygienist
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Las Vegas’ Mirage Hotel And Casino Closing
After 34 years, the iconic Mirage Hotel and Casino on the Las Vegas strip will close its doors after it was bought by Hard Rock Las Vegas, which will completely renovate the building, removing its tropical theme and volcano attraction. What do you think?
“Gentrification rears its ugly head once again.”
Khalil Kavanagh, Window Defroster
“Good luck getting all the white tigers out of the air ducts.”
Steven Odling, Barista Trainer
“They had the nicest security protocol to escort you from the premises.”
Chiara Mccray, Unemployed
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Elon Musk’s Neighbors Fed Up With Eyesore Yard Covered In Broken-Down Cybertrucks
BOCA CHICA, TX—Accusing the billionaire tech mogul of dragging down property values, neighbors of Elon Musk told reporters Thursday they were fed up with his eyesore yard covered in broken-down Cybertrucks. “I don’t know if the guy who lives there is sick or has fallen on hard times or what, but I’m sorry—that yard looks like absolute shit,” said Alaina Barett, who was one of several neighbors who had called 311 in response to the mess strewn over Musk’s front lawn, complaining that the ramshackle Tesla trucks were a public health hazard due to the multiple families of rats, opossums, and hornets that had taken up residence inside the vehicles. “You can tell those things haven’t run in a very, very, very long time. Occasionally you’ll see him out in the yard trying to work on one, but most of the time it just starts sparking. I don’t understand why he doesn’t just haul all that junk away. They’ve got to be worth at least something at the scrapyard.” At press time, Musk had been fined $250 by his neighborhood’s HOA.
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Cartier Introduces New Diamond-Encrusted Gastric Lap-Band
PARIS—Calling its latest piece a “must-have for anyone with a discerning eye” who is preparing to undergo bariatric surgery, the prestigious jewelry firm Cartier introduced a new diamond-encrusted gastric lap-band Friday retailing for $97,000. “The Maison Cartier is pleased to introduce a high-end implanted medical device for elegant consumers of taste and means who wish to add a bit of luxury to an upcoming weight-loss operation,” Cartier representative Angelique Moquin said as she pulled up an image from a helical CT scanner to show an adjustable white-gold gastric band paved with 3-carat brilliant-cut diamonds and tightened around the top portion of a jewelry model’s stomach. “No longer does reducing the capacity of your digestive system also mean cutting back on style. Why settle for a plain old silicone bariatric device now that you can treat yourself to a stunning and sophisticated belly piece by Cartier? Add some timeless refinement to your abdomen or show an obese loved one how much you care.” Cartier went on to announce it was including a pair of free rose-gold stomach staples with every purchase.
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Progressive Preschool Abandons Students In Woods
FORT COLLINS, CO—As part of its mission to encourage learning through free expression in a natural environment, teachers at local progressive preschool Sunshine Montessori Learning Center confirmed Tuesday they had abandoned their students in the woods. “Four-year-olds are natural learners, so we don’t want to interfere with that innate process by hovering over them as they’re discovering how to survive in the wilderness while completely cut off from civilization,” said Kayli Moreno, one of several teachers at the $20,000-per-year private school who reportedly led a class of blindfolded pre-kindergartners into a remote forest, told the children to count to 10, and then disappeared without at trace. “Sure, we could impose a rigid curriculum on kids that forces them to follow a strict set of rules about how to find water, forage for food, and stay warm enough to survive through the night. But then we wouldn’t be allowing them to develop the kinds of creative thinking skills they’ll need when they reach adulthood. Uh, if they reach adulthood.” At press time, reports confirmed 15 of the school’s children had been killed following a chance encounter with a mass shooter in the woods.
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Barron Trump To Serve As Florida Delegate At RNC
Eighteen-year-old Barron Trump, Donald Trump’s youngest son, is making his political debut as a Florida delegate to the Republican National Convention in July. What do you think?
“I can’t believe the GOP would entrust such a position of power to a Trump.”
Carlos Rollin, Survey Distributor
“Kinda touching when kids show interest in the family grift.”
Sonia Chung, Hair Tie Model
“Yeah, every teen has to endure a shitty, degrading summer job.”
Duncan Smith, systems analyst
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U.S. Files Serial Numbers Off Missiles Sent To Israel
WASHINGTON—In an effort to ensure the munitions were completely untraceable, the U.S. military began filing the serial numbers off all missiles being sent to the Israeli government, anonymous sources within the Pentagon confirmed Friday. “In the wake of recent IDF operations in Rafah, we will no longer serve as arms supplier to Israel without first removing the serial numbers from rocket artillery,” Defense Secretary Lloyd Austin reportedly told the Joint Chiefs of Staff, explaining that after assessing the situation, he and President Biden had agreed to pause shipments of high-payload munitions until the military could erase all evidence that they came from the United States. “We cannot in good conscience continue to enable a military campaign targeting innocent civilians in Gaza unless we’ve covered all our tracks. Tell your men and women that we have secured nearly 6 tons of steel wool that they are to use to sand down any identifying markers on missiles, ammunition, and tanks so we can confidently feign ignorance when the U.N. or the International Criminal Court comes around asking a bunch of questions. Be sure to scrape the little U.S. flags off the side, too—in fact, if there’s time, cover it with France’s or something. Then hit them all with a shammy to remove any fingerprints.” At press time, reports confirmed the armaments had arrived in Israel with no return address marked on the crates.
