After running to the polls to “vote” and feel like they have power, all the little sheep went home to watch their little streaming shows, eat their fast food, and consume all manner of societal opiates, keeping the flock passive and ripe for slaughter.
U.N. Secretary General António Guterres warned world leaders at the COP27 climate conference this week that the world is “on a highway to climate hell,” and urged the two biggest polluting countries, China and the United States, to “cooperate or perish.” What do you think?
“Ideally we could do both.”
Ruth King, Nickel Plater
“It won’t be easy, but I’m confident we can pull together to collectively ignore this warning.”
Elon Musk may have taken on $13 billion in debt to buy Twitter, but with his unparalleled brilliance, he’ll earn it back in no time. Here are the most genius ways Elon Musk will make the social media platform profitable.
Slip And Fall Scam
Just in case you’re wondering why Elon Musk is writhing in pain outside Twitter HQ.
Holding Fired Employees Upside Down And Shaking Them Until Loose Change Falls Out
Holding Fired Employees Upside Down And Shaking Them Until Loose Change Falls Out
Gotta be worth a try.
Good Old-Fashioned Tax Evasion
Good Old-Fashioned Tax Evasion
If it works for his other companies, it’ll work for Twitter.
The site will also go completely dark during times when no one is using it.
Charge People To Not Be On Twitter
Charge People To Not Be On Twitter
There are an estimated 240 million active users worldwide, but this pales in comparison to the 7.7 billion people not using Twitter. That’s where the real money is.
Buying All Other Major Social Media Platforms And Running Them Into The Ground
Buying All Other Major Social Media Platforms And Running Them Into The Ground
If Twitter is the only option, people will have to give it a shot.
Rentable Tweets
Instead of retweeting, Twitter users will be able to rent a limited number of views on favorite tweets.
Charging For Ability To Stop Typing
Charging For Ability To Stop Typing
Free users will be forced to keep typing until their fingers atrophy and the tendons in their hands snap.
Replacing Staff With His Own Underpaid Progeny
Replacing Staff With His Own Underpaid Progeny
He’s well on his way.
Self-Tweeting Technology
Taking notes from the success of Tesla, Musk plans to roll out a feature that will take all of the stress out of tweeting by automatically generating thoughts and opinions for its users.
Merch
He could sell shirts or something.
The Sound Of Someone Repeating The C-Word Loudly Plays Until Users Pay To Mute It
The Sound Of Someone Repeating The C-Word Loudly Plays Until Users Pay To Mute It
As a bonus, users will also get to chose what the next automatically played slur will be.
Canceling His Car Insurance
Canceling His Car Insurance
Trimming the fat in his own personal expenses will help focus his financial goals.
Add A Paid Tier For People Who Want Access To Easily Dox Journalists And Public Officials
Add A Paid Tier For People Who Want Access To Easily Dox Journalists And Public Officials
For too long, people have been able to threaten journalists and public officials without generating a direct profit for the social media platform.
Changing Its Name To TikTok
Changing Its Name To TikTok
He’ll definitely get sued, but it’ll temporarily boost users in the confused idiot demographic.
Killing Two-Thirds Of Twitter’s Workforce
Killing Two-Thirds Of Twitter’s Workforce
Dead people can’t collect severance or file wrongful termination lawsuits.
The GOP has rightly taken issue with the Biden administration killing foreign civilians in airstrikes and causing mass starvation in Afghanistan by freezing its government assets, not to mention the brutal sanctions on—wait, no, it will be over some Marjorie Taylor Greene bullshit.
Anthony Novak was thrown in jail and charged with a felony for mocking an Ohio police department with a parody Facebook page. Now represented by the Institute for Justice, Novak has filed a cert petition urging the U.S. Supreme Court to take his case.
In a fitting demonstration of the Streisand Effect, the Parma Police Department’s attempt to squash a local satirist has turned them into a national laughing-stock. First, The Onion filed its first-ever amicus brief with the Supreme Court, which savagely mocked Parma police.
Less than a month later, they were joined by The Babylon Bee, which describes itself as “the world’s most popular news site, bringing deadly serious, 100% accurate stories to the public’s attention” and has so far “published over 10,000 articles containing a total of no fewer than two jokes.” (Calvinist dogs were one of them.)
“Parody has a unique capacity to speak truth to power and to cut its subjects down to size,” The Babylon Bee, represented by Emmett Robinson, asserted in its amicus brief. “When parody is imperiled, citizens are deprived of one of their most effective means of criticizing the government.”
FILE – The U.S. Supreme Court building in Washington, Monday, June 27, 2022. The satirical site The … [+] Onion has some serious things to say in defense of parody. The online humor publication has filed a Supreme Court brief in support of a man who was arrested and prosecuted for making fun of the Parma, Ohio, police force on social media. (AP Photo/Patrick Semansky, File)
Copyright 2022 The Associated Press. All rights reserved.
Not to be undone by that “cute little upstart known as The Onion,” which penned only one amicus in this case, The Bee published another amicus brief that sided with the Parma Police Department, though this one wasn’t actually filed with the Supreme Court.
“It is essential to protect those with coercive power who wield it for self-preserving ends,” this brief stentoriously declared. “Our society can only function if people get their information from a tightly controlled source that has never lied to us, like the government or the police.”
“Abuse of the First Amendment should not be tolerated,” the brief continued. It further chided Novak for attempting to “turn that provision into a ‘living’ amendment stretched beyond its original meaning to include humor and laughter. This is dangerous, as it is clear from a close reading of the Constitution that laughter is never explicitly mentioned.” Indeed, “when the First Amendment was written, jokes hadn’t been invented yet.”
“Much as how the Second Amendment was only intended to protect the citizenry’s right to bear muzzle-loading muskets and not fully semi-automatic 30-magazine-clip assault pistol grip firearms, so the First Amendment cannot be applied to parody Facebook pages,” the brief concluded.
What became a major First Amendment case started out while Novak was waiting for the bus in March 2016. He decided to make a fake Facebook page lampooning the Parma Police Department.
One post announced a noon curfew. Another was a fake job posting that was “strongly encouraging minorities to not apply” to become police officers. Other posts advertised an abortion van, a pedophile reform event, and arrests for those who tried to feed homeless people. (Wait, that last one did happen in Arizona.)
Alerted by a few citizens who didn’t get the joke, the actual Parma Police Department posted a notice on its own Facebook page warning about the fake. Novak then reposted that warning to his page.
Even though the posts were clearly satire, the police threatened a criminal investigation. That prompted Novak to take the page down. It had only been up for half a day.
Yet Parma didn’t relent. Officers obtained a search warrant that demanded Facebook dox Novak. Now that police knew the offender, they just had to find an offense. Eventually, prosecutors dusted off an Ohio law that makes it a fourth-degree felony to “use any computer…to disrupt, interrupt, or impair the functions of any police, fire, educational, commercial, or governmental operations.”
Parma police obtained two more warrants, this time to arrest Novak, search his home, and seize any device that could connect to the Internet. He spent four days behind bars. Novak’s case went to trial, but thankfully a jury acquitted him.
Afterwards, Novak sued. Since parody has long been protected by the First Amendment, his case should have been an easy win.
Instead, the Sixth U.S. Circuit Court of Appeals tossed his lawsuit in April. According to the court, the officers “reasonably believed they were acting within the law,” and so they were entitled to “qualified immunity” and couldn’t be sued.
“No one should be arrested for making jokes online and no one feels that more than people who do it for a living,” said Institute for Justice Senior Attorney Patrick Jaicomo. “We thank both The Babylon Bee and The Onion for stepping up to defend free speech.”
HOUSTON—Following their victory over the Philadelphia Phillies to clinch the title, the Houston Astros credited their World Series win to the subject of a future MLB investigation. “We couldn’t have done it without the tactics that will be at the center of a wide-ranging probe by MLB officials roughly 18 months from now,” said Astros second baseman Jose Altuve, adding that his teammates would always recall the thrilling series as another stain on the franchise’s legacy. “There’s no feeling like this in the world, to know that you’ve won it all, and it’s all thanks to a clandestine system developed by our bench coach and put into action by a few players who will be the subject of rumors beginning in a few months, with everything coming to light just before the 2024 season. Ultimately, we couldn’t have done it without numerous violations that will result in the suspension of multiple players and coaches, and nobody can take that away from us, even though there will be calls to vacate our championship after this all gets out in the open.” At press time, Astros owner Jim Crane reportedly congratulated the team for carrying out the subject of the investigation in such a way as to keep him immune from punishment.
Jeff Bezos’ former housekeeper is suing the billionaire over allegations of racial discrimination and poor working conditions, claiming that she was forced to work 10 to 14 hours per day and was not allowed to use the restroom while he was home. What do you think?
“It’s sad that he still takes his work home with him.”
Freeman Barton, Dinkey Driver
“Yeah, but just look how cheap this blender was.”
Sage Hughes, Unemployed
“It’s nice that someone as busy as Jeff Bezos still takes the time to discriminate on a one-on-one level.”
A majority of Americans believe that U.S. democracy is in crisis, and many point to issues with the nation’s electoral system, from dark money donations to voter suppression. The Onion polled all 330 million Americans for their solution to fix America’s broken electoral system.
Twitter CEO Elon Musk says he plans to charge Twitter users for using the blue verification checkmark, quickly lowering the amount to $8 per month after sparking criticism for suggesting a $19.99 monthly fee. What do you think?
“Can we pay more for a bigger checkmark?”
Hector Hoffman, Fiberglass Laminator
“Now how will I know if my death threats are going to the real Will Wheaton?”
Sloane Rupar, Fur Trapper
“A public town square is only as good as its entrance fee.”
Taylor Swift has become the first artist to claim every top 10 spot on Billboard’s Hot 100 chart, with all 10 songs coming from her newly released album, Midnights. What do you think?
“What an exciting achievement for the monoculture!”
Jean Gamble, Systems Analyst
“I don’t think society should pit women against themselves.”
Cameron Barrera, Performance Estimator
“And to do it during a week when ‘Monster Mash’ is everywhere is even more impressive.”
Super Bowl-winning quarterback Tom Brady and supermodel Gisele Bündchen announced that they “amicably finalized” their divorce after 13 years of marriage. What do you think?
“Now he can finally focus on his career!”
Josephine Carrillo, Freelance Bagger
“This is exactly why I refuse to date supermodels.”
Clarence Warner, Glaciologist
“She should have respected his wishes to put his family a distant second.”
HOUSTON—Marveling to himself as he looked up at a replay on the stadium scoreboard, Houston Astros second baseman Jose Altuve was reportedly heard saying that he still couldn’t get over how small he looked out there. “My God, I look so tiny up there—it seriously gets me every time,” said the awestruck Altuve, adding that there was “no way in hell” he was as tall as his 5-foot-6-inch listed height. “You’d think that after a decade in the majors I’d be used to it, but every time I see myself out there, I just get totally blown away by how small I am. See me up there next to Yordan [Alvarez]? The height discrepancy looks ridiculous. Every time I see myself, I just can’t believe a guy that small can play professional baseball.” At press time, Altuve was asking those around him if he used a child-size glove out there or what.
Supreme Court Justice Samuel Alito has claimed that the leak of the draft opinion to overturn Roe v. Wade earlier this year endangered the lives of justices by putting a target on their backs. What do you think?
“It’s true. Four have been murdered, and there’s only two left.”
Alejandro Kowalchuk, Unemployed
“No justice should know the fear of an abortion provider.”
Walker Bensen, Personal Fundraiser
“I could have sworn it had something to do with the actual decision.”
Adidas ended its partnership with rapper Kanye West over his offensive and antisemitic remarks, the latest company to cut ties with Ye and a decision that the German sportwear company said would hit its bottom line. What do you think?
“At least give him a chance to double down!”
Mindy Perovic, Family Attorney
“They’ll always have the memories of making some very ugly products together.”
John Amato, Systems Analyst
“Now I can buy their child labor products without guilt.”
Former U.K. treasury chief Rishi Sunak has become Britain’s first prime minister of color after being chosen to lead a governing Conservative Party, the third person to take the job amid a politically and economically turbulent year for the country. What do you think?
“Not sure how he’ll appeal to a generation of Truss loyalists.”
Matt Tucker, Mask Historian
“So they’re still doing the whole prime minister thing, huh?”
Jennifer Betancourt, Garage Painter
“Makes you wonder when America is going to elect its first non-white prime minister.”
Steve Bannon, a one-time adviser to former President Donald Trump, has been sentenced to four months in prison for refusing to cooperate with lawmakers investigating last year’s U.S. Capitol attack. What do you think?
“I just hope prison doesn’t radicalize him.”
Juan Mejia, Event Security
“Will they grant his request for a special live-kitten diet?
Rex Smalls, Barista Recruiter
“I think he should take these four months to reflect on better ways to overthrow the government.”
CHARLOTTE, NC—Taking a new approach to better safeguard their quarterback, the Tampa Bay Buccaneers were reportedly using a protection scheme Sunday that involved their offensive line asking the defense to go easy on Tom Brady while he’s going through some stuff. “We’re always trying to refine things to make things easier for Tom, which is why we’re having left guard Luke Goedeke pull the defensive linemen aside to fill them in on Tom’s marital and family issues before the snap,” said Buccaneers head coach Todd Bowles, adding that he hoped the Carolina Panthers defense would refrain from blitzing Brady after the offensive line told them the sad story of how he’s struggling with heartbreak. “We’ll have the left tackle pick up any linebackers or safeties and let them know that Tom’s really getting it from all sides right now, he’s not sleeping well, and really the last thing he needs is to get sacked on his blind side. We’re hoping that this new offensive scheme will allow Tom to relax in the pocket and clear his head until he works things out at home.” At press time, Bowles was scolding Buccaneers wide receiver Mike Evans for yelling that he was open, reminding him not to bother Brady when the quarterback had so many other things on his plate.