ReportWire

Tag: The Onion

  • Cyber Monday Retailers Worried Americans Not Ready To Buy Goods Over World Wide Web

    Cyber Monday Retailers Worried Americans Not Ready To Buy Goods Over World Wide Web

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    NEW YORK—Expressing skepticism about the unproven technology’s potential in the lead-up to the holiday season, Cyber Monday retailers reportedly worried this week that Americans were simply not ready to buy goods over the World Wide Web. “While there may be a few fringe dedicated Netizens interested in online holiday shopping, we’re not sure the average joe has the understanding or, frankly, interest needed to purchase goods in cyberspace,” said Best Buy vice president Scott Evans, echoing thousands of web retailers who noted that Americans have always enjoyed the atmosphere and experience of brick-and-mortar stores, and the rise of the information superhighway did not seem poised to change that. “I’ll admit I’m a bit in the dark on how it even works. People type ‘http://www.bestbuy.com’ into their web browser, sure, but what happens after that? Do they just send us a check in the mail? Plus, after they buy their item, who drives it to their house? Me? Our IT guy showed the whole thing to me, and it just went way over my head. So I can’t imagine how the average consumer feels. Computers are great for playing solitaire, but I think using them to buy goods is just more of a headache than it’s worth for most Americans.” Evans added that all of this was obviously purely hypothetical, given that the company only expected to get a few dozen online shoppers during the holidays.

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  • Things Former Twitter Employees Said About Elon Musk That Got Them Fired

    Things Former Twitter Employees Said About Elon Musk That Got Them Fired

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    Rule No. 1 of working at Twitter? Do not insult the chief twit. Here are things that former employees said about Elon Musk that immediately got them fired.

    “Elon was so nice. I really enjoyed our first meeting, and I’m looking forward to working with him on future projects.”

    “Elon was so nice. I really enjoyed our first meeting, and I’m looking forward to working with him on future projects.”

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    Exactly something a social justice warrior would say.

    “I have an idea that will make Twitter profitable.”

    “I have an idea that will make Twitter profitable.”

    Image for article titled Things Former Twitter Employees Said About Elon Musk That Got Them Fired

    That runs directly counter to Musk’s plan to drive this baby into the ground.

    “I haven’t seen my wife in three days.”

    “I haven’t seen my wife in three days.”

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    All wives were supposed to be turned in last week.

    “I have to go to the bathroom.”

    “I have to go to the bathroom.”

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    Employees of Twitter 2.0 must hold their urine for at least 27 hours.

    “Don’t we have an ethical responsibility to make sure our work isn’t being used to hurt people?”

    “Don’t we have an ethical responsibility to make sure our work isn’t being used to hurt people?”

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    No.

    “I actually really like the Green Album.”

    “I actually really like the Green Album.”

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    Elon Musk may be a fucking tool, but even he knows everything Weezer made after Pinkerton is reductive drivel.

    “Mr. Musk brings the perfect union of innovation and talent.”

    “Mr. Musk brings the perfect union of innovation and talent.”

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    Algorithm caught the word “union” and immediately sent security.

    “I bet I can jump higher than him.”

    “I bet I can jump higher than him.”

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    Not a chance. Elon Musk is the most nimble, athletic man on earth.

    “I’m locked inside the office. Please. I’m so hungry.”

    “I’m locked inside the office. Please. I’m so hungry.”

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    Not very “hardcore” to complain about spending the weekend trapped in Twitter headquarters, is it?

    “He’s such a great boss.”

    “He’s such a great boss.”

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    No one wants to work with a liar.

    “Is now a good time to tell you that I’m a bot?”

    “Is now a good time to tell you that I’m a bot?”

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    Read the room. You know bots don’t get a nice severance package, either.

    “Uh, boss. This is going to break the site.”

    “Uh, boss. This is going to break the site.”

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    He already knows. Stop wasting time!

    “He’s got weird thumbs.”

    “He’s got weird thumbs.”

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    This is apparently the thing Musk is most sensitive about.

    “He’s sitting in my chair.”

    “He’s sitting in my chair.”

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    Sitting reduces crucial blood flow to employees’ brains, which should be working nonstop to make Twitter profitable.

    “I would rather have kids with the previous CEO.”

    “I would rather have kids with the previous CEO.”

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    Threats to Musk’s corporate propagation plan will not be tolerated.

    [Silence]

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    It’s also inappropriate for employees not to be talking about him.

    “I love Elon, but I wouldn’t sacrifice my wife and kids for him.”

    “I love Elon, but I wouldn’t sacrifice my wife and kids for him.”

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    Only absolute loyalty will be accepted!

    “He offered me a horse to not discuss what he did in the elevator.”

    “He offered me a horse to not discuss what he did in the elevator.”

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    Should’ve taken the horse.

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  • Thanksgiving 2022: What Are We Thankful For?

    Thanksgiving 2022: What Are We Thankful For?

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    Americans across the nation are sitting down to celebrate Thanksgiving. The Onion polled all 330 million Americans to find out what they’re most thankful for.

    Read more…

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  • Supreme Court Allows House Democrats To Obtain Trump’s Tax Returns

    Supreme Court Allows House Democrats To Obtain Trump’s Tax Returns

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    The Supreme Court rejected an emergency appeal from former President Donald Trump seeking to shield his tax returns from House Democrats, capping a three-year legal battle and paving the way for the release of his tax returns. What do you think?

    “Just in time for it to make a difference.”

    Benny Aiello, Shed Architect

    “Luckily he doesn’t have a history of shady financial behavior.”

    Ron McElhaney, Unemployed

    “What kind of respectable billionaire files their taxes?”

    Carol Middleton, Candy Maker

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  • Mariah Carey Loses ‘Queen Of Christmas’ Trademark Bid

    Mariah Carey Loses ‘Queen Of Christmas’ Trademark Bid

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    The U.S. Patent and Trademark Office denied Mariah Carey’s application to trademark the moniker “Queen of Christmas,” which the singer hoped to use as branding for various products, after other artists who also claimed the title opposed it. What do you think?

    “Maybe writing a song about Christmas would strengthen her case.”

    Adele Howe, Nemesis Designator

    “That’s a title that can only be conferred by the Pope.”

    Jerold Price, Asphalt Paver

    “I think ‘Earl of Easter’ is still available.”

    Bennett Guerrero, Dinghy Captain

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  • Elizabeth Holmes Sentenced To More Than 11 Years In Prison

    Elizabeth Holmes Sentenced To More Than 11 Years In Prison

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    Elizabeth Holmes, founder of the failed start-up Theranos, has been sentenced to 11.25 years for fraud after deceiving investors about the purported efficacy of her company’s blood-testing technology. What do you think?

    “She must pay the price for what she did to Walgreens.”

    Ken Molina, Corncob Inspector

    “Is that the typical sentencing for unrepentant white-collar sociopaths?”

    Leo Acosta, Shock Jock Trainer

    “I worry this could discourage others from defrauding investors.”

    Phoebe Hinton, Unemployed

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  • Qatar World Cup Games To Cut Off Human Sales After 75th Minute

    Qatar World Cup Games To Cut Off Human Sales After 75th Minute

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    DOHA, QATAR—Unveiling several policies for the upcoming international soccer tournament, the nation of Qatar announced Sunday that its World Cup stadiums would cut off human sales after the 75th minute of each soccer match. “We want fans to enjoy themselves, but we also want to provide a safe environment, so get your human purchases in early,” said Qatar’s World Cup ambassador, Khalid Salman, ending speculation over whether the host country might completely ban the sale of human beings at its eight tournament stadiums. “We’re pleased to offer a wide selection of people—we’ve got Indians, Nepalese, Bangladeshis, and many more to choose from. We simply ask that you plan ahead so that, after the game, we can ensure spectators are able to exit the stadium in an orderly fashion and get home safely with their purchases. We’re also limiting sales to two humans per purchase, but don’t worry—you can come back as many times as you like. Whether you’re buying your person for forced labor or prostitution, we just ask that you do it in moderation.” Qatari officials added that there would also be a strict no-tolerance policy against fans bringing their own slaves into the game.

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  • Nancy Pelosi Will Not Seek Reelection As Democratic Leader In House

    Nancy Pelosi Will Not Seek Reelection As Democratic Leader In House

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    Nancy Pelosi, who has led Democrats in the U.S. House of Representatives for almost two decades, has announced she is standing down from the role, as Republicans are projected to take back control of the House following the midterm elections. What do you think?

    “Time for some young blood to fail us.”

    Chuck Duffy, Hurricane Chaser

    “I sure hope she didn’t take that attempt on her life personally.”

    Britney Yoder, Associate Plumber

    “Doesn’t she know how hard it is for older women to change careers?”

    Elliott Dwyer, Logging Swamper

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  • Things Never To Say To A Tom Brady Fan

    Things Never To Say To A Tom Brady Fan

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    If you ever have the misfortune of having to talk to a fan of “the GOAT,” here are things you should never, ever say.

    “I bet I’m better at football than him.”

    “I bet I’m better at football than him.”

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    Aside from this being patently false, you’re definitely just trying to upset them.

    “Why has he failed to win more Super Bowls?”

    “Why has he failed to win more Super Bowls?”

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    Seven’s fine, but it’s not exactly eight.

    “O.J. Simpson was a better Hertz spokesperson.”

    “O.J. Simpson was a better Hertz spokesperson.”

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    Don’t go too far in comparing the former running back’s incredible on- and off-field work with Tom Brady’s Hertz campaign.

    “Hitler also won seven Super Bowls.”

    “Hitler also won seven Super Bowls.”

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    Comparing their favorite player to Hitler is sure to bother anyone, even if Brady eventually comes out on top.

    “He really is the GOAT in terms of getting scammed by crypto.”

    “He really is the GOAT in terms of getting scammed by crypto.”

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    Keeping the conversation centered around Brady’s Super Bowl wins, and not his unwise promotion of cryptocurrency, is generally a good call.

    “It wasn’t until 9/11 that he really started to take off.”

    “It wasn’t until 9/11 that he really started to take off.”

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    Fans of Brady acknowledge that this is technically true, but would prefer to downplay the connection.

    “Serena Williams is a more accomplished athlete.”

    “Serena Williams is a more accomplished athlete.”

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    Middle-aged white guys can’t process what you just said but it won’t stop them from saying something sexist and racist.

    “Had he stayed on with Merrill Lynch after interning with them in college, he’d be the greatest stock broker of all time.”

    “Had he stayed on with Merrill Lynch after interning with them in college, he’d be the greatest stock broker of all time.”

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    One of history’s big what-ifs. Brady fans can only dream.

    “He’ll probably only play for 30 more seasons, tops.”

    “He’ll probably only play for 30 more seasons, tops.”

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    Most Tom Brady fans are holding out hope that he’ll continue to play at least into his 90s.

    “Given his age and the amount of head trauma he’s already sustained, we don’t recommend Brady play another season.”

    “Given his age and the amount of head trauma he’s already sustained, we don’t recommend Brady play another season.”

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    Shut up, nerd!

    “His long and storied career demonstrates that you can be a whiny bitch at any age.”

    “His long and storied career demonstrates that you can be a whiny bitch at any age.”

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    Many fans are sensitive to the fact that he’s old and decrepit.

    “What’s your favorite time he kissed his son on the mouth?”

    “What’s your favorite time he kissed his son on the mouth?”

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    There’s simply too many to count.

    “Your father and I love you no matter who you love.”

    “Your father and I love you no matter who you love.”

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    Good sentiment but wrong conversation.

    “He’s on the Buccaneers, but he has none of the qualities of a real pirate.”

    “He’s on the Buccaneers, but he has none of the qualities of a real pirate.”

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    This point is a sore spot for Brady fans who lament the fact he’s never suffered from scurvy in his life.

    “He’ll probably blow his brains out two weeks after retiring.”

    “He’ll probably blow his brains out two weeks after retiring.”

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    What else is he gonna do?

    “I’m going to break into Tom Brady’s house and shoot him with a gun.”

    “I’m going to break into Tom Brady’s house and shoot him with a gun.”

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    Say this and you’ll have most Tom Brady fans singing the blues.

    “Yeah, I can do dinner next Thursday.”

    “Yeah, I can do dinner next Thursday.”

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    Before dating a Brady fan, seriously consider whether you want to always be second place to the Buccaneers quarterback.

    “Which of his boring plays stands out for you most?”

    “Which of his boring plays stands out for you most?”

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    Tom Brady fans just can’t choose between his most exciting eight-yard completions.

    “He’s been a terrible father to Rob Gronkowski.”

    “He’s been a terrible father to Rob Gronkowski.”

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    For the third straight year, he didn’t come to Gronk’s birthday and it just crushed him.

    “BLUE 42!”

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    Great, now they’re in motion.

    “No, it’s pronounced BRAH-dy.”

    “No, it’s pronounced BRAH-dy.”

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    Worth a try just to see if you can irritate one of these people for a while.

    “Historians now agree that Tom Brady isn’t one person, but actually a collection of people.”

    “Historians now agree that Tom Brady isn’t one person, but actually a collection of people.”

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    Cram it, historians!

    “Every time he throws a touchdown pass, a petal falls from his Life Blossom.”

    “Every time he throws a touchdown pass, a petal falls from his Life Blossom.”

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    Brady fans hate being reminded of the old crone’s curse.

    “Joe Montana has a way cooler name.”

    “Joe Montana has a way cooler name.”

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    His fans hate to admit this, but Tom Brady is a really stupid name compared to Joe “The Comeback Kid” Montana.

    “Your family obligations should come before work.”

    “Your family obligations should come before work.”

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    Shows you have no idea what you’re talking about.

    “Tom Brady.”

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    You didn’t mention his name, did you? Christ. Welp, hope you’re prepared to get talked at.

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  • World Population Reaches 8 Billion

    World Population Reaches 8 Billion

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    According to the United Nations, the world’s population was projected to reach 8 billion yesterday—a mere 11 years since it passed 7 billion, and less than a century after the planet supported just 2 billion people. What do you think?

    “Luckily, the planet’s never been more habitable.”

    Betsy Kaufman, Napkin Designer

    “That’s what happens when you go too long without a good world war.”

    Cesar Doyle, Offbearer

    “And they all seem to be doing 60 in the passing lane.”

    Nestor Conway, Party Disperser

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  • Tiffany Trump Charged Full Venue Price For Mar-A-Lago Wedding

    Tiffany Trump Charged Full Venue Price For Mar-A-Lago Wedding

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    PALM BEACH, FL—Shaking her head in anger and disbelief as she scanned the invoice, Tiffany Trump reportedly received a bill from the Mar-a-Lago Club Tuesday charging her the full venue price for her wedding. “$95,000 for catering? Are you fucking kidding me?” said the 29-year-old Trump, who noted that the wedding cake looked nothing like the one she ordered and that the food “hadn’t even been that good.” “My dad insisted that I have the wedding here, so I assumed it would all be paid for. I didn’t even get a discount! God, they just gouged me on everything. They charged me $20,000 for a DJ, but I didn’t even have a DJ there! And what the hell is a napkin fee? I don’t know how I’m going to be able to afford this. I’m going to have to ask my dad for money.” At press time, reports confirmed Tiffany Trump was furious after discovering she had been charged a $1.5 million speaking fee for her father’s wedding toast.

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  • Democrats Retain Control Of Senate With Nevada Victory

    Democrats Retain Control Of Senate With Nevada Victory

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    The Democrats will retain their control of the Senate after incumbent Nevada Sen. Catherine Cortez Masto won a tight reelection race, defying polling expectations and giving Democrats the best overall midterm performance for a sitting party in 20 years. What do you think?

    “Imagine how many progressive policies can be shot down in the next two years.”

    Brianna Leib, Recreational Therapist

    “We’re still doing the whole Senate thing, huh?”

    Martin Akbrud, Olive Pitter

    “The status quo is saved!”

    Vince Wilkin, Package Thrower

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  • The Onion’s Guide To Renewable Energy

    The Onion’s Guide To Renewable Energy

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    Renewable energy is on the rise as it becomes cheaper to produce the necessary tools and systems for transitioning the planet to a greener future. The Onion presents a glossary to common terms in the renewable energy space.

    Wind Turbine: Electromechanical device that converts the wind’s kinetic energy into dead birds.

    Hydropower: It’s like when you flush a toilet.

    Recyclable: Not accepted by your local recycling plant.

    Carbon Credit: Certified proof that the wealthy can continue doing whatever they want.

    Wood: Tree bones.

    Offshore Wind Farm: Wind-based power plant built specifically to ruin ocean views from rich assholes’ beach houses.

    Sen. Jim Inhofe (R-OK): New acquisition that will save the company millions in infrastructure upgrade costs.

    Biohazards: The people running oil companies.

    Green Hydrogen: Hydrogen produced via water electrolysis that America would happily use as a weapon of war.

    Earth: Dying planet you’re reading this from.

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