Tag: The Onion

NEW YORK—Issuing a controversial directive regarding the city’s unhoused population, Mayor Eric Adams announced Wednesday that New York would resume the involuntary placement of mentally ill individuals in the audience of The Tonight Show. “The safest place for these troubled New Yorkers to be is in a television studio where they can hear an opening monologue of topical jokes delivered by Jimmy Fallon,” said Adams, pushing back against critics who argued that the forcible entertainment of people with severe, untreated mental disorders was a violation of their rights, and that the long-running late-night show did not have the resources necessary to keep the city’s homeless mildly amused. “That’s why I’m authorizing police to remove the mentally ill from our streets and subways and relocate them to Rockefeller Center, where they can be tranquilized by large, regular doses of lightweight celebrity interviews. If we can just keep them applauding when the sign says ‘applause,’ then we can keep them from committing crimes.” Adams went on to acknowledge that while many in The Tonight Show’s new audience would suffer from psychological disturbances that caused them to laugh at inappropriate times, the same was true of Jimmy Fallon.