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Tag: The Onion
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Biden Delivers State Of The Union
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President Biden, two years into his term and facing a Republican-led House for the first time, delivered his State of the Union address to a joint session of Congress last night. What did you think of the speech?
“There wasn’t enough groveling to me specifically.”
Russ Melendez, Unemployed
“I hope I’m giving State of the Union speeches that good when I’m 80.”
Kelly DiToma, Confection Expert
“He puts on a good show, but everyone knows he’s lip-syncing.”
Griffith Feldman, Clock Resetter
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Second Camera Shows Surprise Guest Xi Jinping Backstage Reacting To Everything Biden Saying
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WASHINGTON—Showing the Chinese president grow visibly enraged as he listened to his American counterpart bad-mouth him behind his back, a backstage camera revealed surprise guest Xi Jinping’s reactions to everything President Biden said during Tuesday night’s State of the Union address. “You have a problem with me you can’t say to my face, you fake bitch?” said Xi, appearing on a behind-the-scenes feed featuring the chyron “Called U.S. President ‘Lying Hussie’,” where he could be seen breaking down in tears, smashing a mirror in the green room as aides held him back, and then rushing out to confront Biden as Congress whooped in applause. “Oh, so you can say you don’t like my spy balloon on national TV, but you don’t mention the trillion bucks you owe me, you broke-ass ho? Hey, get back here so I can beat your ass. Or run away, like you run from all our problems!” At press time, Biden had reportedly managed to calm Xi down by offering the weeping leader a box of tissues and agreeing to joint custody of Taiwan.
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Lawmakers Propose Letting Prisoners Donate Organs For Reduced Sentences
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Massachusetts Democrats have proposed a bill that would allow prisoners to donate their organs for reduced sentences, giving people up to a year off their prison sentence “on the condition that the incarcerated individual has donated bone marrow or organ(s).” What do you think?
“If I donate my entire digestive system, I could be home by Christmas.”
Anthony Schlosser, Prisoner 19A0763
“That’s awful! Surely there’s a way to get prisoners to contribute without giving them freedom.”
Otto Galloway, Excavation Hobbyist
“Every American should have the freedom to exchange organs for basic human rights.”
Phyllis Meacham, Condiment Organizer
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NFL Medical Personnel Race For Quickest Ligament Repair During Pro Bowl Surgical Skills Challenge
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PARADISE, NV—Performing lateral ankle reconstruction procedures before a sold-out crowd at Allegiant Stadium, NFL medical personnel were racing for the quickest ligament repair Sunday during the Pro Bowl Surgical Skills Challenge. “While Dr. George P. Maiers of the Colts has the AFC staff out to an early lead with some quick, precise suturing, Falcons team physician Dr. Kyle Hammond has mounted a strong NFC comeback with some timely imbrication, showing why he’s one of the true game-changing surgeons in the NFL,” announcer Kirk Herbstreit said as he followed the action on the field, where the top six team doctors from each conference operated on patients in the first of eight events comprising the day-long skills challenge. “It’s close, the clock’s running down, and—oh, and the tissue forceps have been fumbled by [Cleveland Browns physician] Dr. Voos! The tissue forceps are loose, and the ankle wound is still open! There’s a scramble on the operating room floor, and they’re, yes, they’re picked up by Dr. Cooper of the Cowboys—a massive turnover so late in the operation. The NFC squad is using both sets of forceps on their patient now, and it’s tough to see how the AFC medical team will fix this torn ligament without them. A reminder to stay with us for the next stages in our skills challenge, which will measure how fast doctors can reach an injured player, diagnose him with a concussion, and get him through the protocol and back out on the field.” At press time, the contest’s referee had issued a penalty to Los Angeles Chargers team doctor David Gazzaniga for trying to anesthetize a doctor on the opposing squad.
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President Biden To End Covid-19 Emergencies May 11
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President Joe Biden informed Congress on Monday that he will end the twin national emergencies for addressing Covid-19 on May 11, as most of the world has returned closer to normality nearly three years after they were first declared. What do you think?
“America is ready to move onto its next preventable national emergency.”
Simone Wittich, Celebrity Handler
“I thought only Congress could end Covid.”
Dan Meiselas, Gravel Piler
“It’s hard to believe we were all so scared of a virus that’s only killed millions of people and hasn’t been eradicated yet.”
Dennis Wimberly, Statue Molder
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Court Rules Domestic Abusers Cannot Be Barred From Owning Instrument Of Vengeance
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WASHINGTON—Claiming that previous laws were inconsistent with the U.S. Constitution, the Fifth Circuit Court of Appeals ruled this week that domestic abusers could not be barred from owning an instrument of vengeance. “According to the court’s historical interpretation of the Second Amendment, Americans cannot legally be prevented from purchasing or wielding a method with which to carry out a violent act of retribution,” Judge Cory Wilson wrote in the court’s opinion, adding that per the founding fathers original intent, every American, including domestic abusers, had a God-given right to enact lethal vengeance against whoever they felt was worthy of their ire. “Be it the ex-girlfriend who so heinously wronged you, a coworker who looked at you in a weird way, or a sonuvabitch judge who ruined your life, all Americans have the right to bear whatever arms they need to destroy their enemies once and for all. Without the right to dole out justice and reckoning, we are nothing as a country. This type of senseless violence is what we were built on.” At press time, the court also struck down a mandatory waiting period that Judge Wilson claimed made it take too long for those who had been wronged and were blinded by rage to finally get sweet, sweet revenge.
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Revised AP African American Studies To Focus Mostly On Herman Cain’s Rise To Pizza CEO
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NEW YORK—In a move designed to make the curriculum more palatable to conservatives, the College Board announced Thursday that its revised AP African American Studies course would focus mostly on Herman Cain’s rise to CEO of a pizza restaurant chain. “As of today, the newest iteration of the AP African American Studies curriculum will focus almost entirely on the life, accomplishments, and origins of businessman, pizza mogul, and Tea Party activist Herman Cain,” said College Board president Jeremy Singer, adding that while his organization had removed controversial aspects of the course that covered intersectionality, the Black Lives Matter movement, and slavery reparations, it had also added new ones about Cain’s humble beginnings as a boy in Georgia, his first big break at the Pillsbury Company, and his eventual appointment as CEO of Godfather’s Pizza. “Although the syllabus no longer includes the writings of Kimberlé Crenshaw, bell hooks, or Ta-Nehisi Coates, we have gone to great lengths to include Cain’s various writings about Burger King and his 9-9-9 tax plan, as well as an in-depth analysis of all his favorite pizza toppings. Herman Cain did so much for the Black community, and we are excited to offer American high school students a university-level course on the first Black man to become CEO of a major pizza company.” At press time, the College Board drew criticism for controversial sections of the AP African American Studies curriculum that repeatedly denied that Herman Cain had ever sexually harassed women or died of Covid.
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George Santos To Recuse Self From House Committees
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Embattled New York Rep. George Santos (R) informed GOP colleagues in a closed-door meeting that he will recuse himself from serving on House committees amid ongoing scrutiny about his background and questions about his future in Congress. What do you think?
“If you’re going to lie your way to the top, at least do something when you get there.”
Brent Hubbard, Spice Expert
“I find his integrity refreshing.”
Jay Natarajan, Substitute Guard
“With his impressive resume, I’m sure he’ll bounce back in no time.”
Paula Murphy, Unemployed
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Ticketmaster To Require Purchase Of Round-Trip Concert Tickets For Exiting Venue After Show
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WEST HOLLYWOOD, CA—Updating the company’s terms of service, live-entertainment giant Ticketmaster announced Wednesday that it would soon be requiring customers to purchase round-trip tickets to cover the cost of both entering and exiting a concert venue. “Round-trip tickets will only be required in cases where the attendee wishes not only to be admitted to a show, but also to be permitted to leave once the show is over,” said Ticketmaster spokesperson Brenna Winfield, adding that there would be a limited number of tickets available for any given departure time, so customers who wanted to be among the first to leave a concert should expect to pay a higher fee. “Ticketmaster customers worried about the additional costs associated with exiting a venue should know that rates drop significantly on slower days, so if they attend an event on, say, a busy Saturday night, they can typically save up to 15% by extending their stay in the completely dark, empty arena until Tuesday or Wednesday. Another option is to leave the show before it ends, but please be aware we charge a $200 ticket-change fee for concertgoers who decide they want to go home early because the band sucks.” At press time, several hundred Taylor Swift fans had reportedly been trampled to death in Arizona after Ticketmaster’s demand-based pricing system pushed the cost of exiting State Farm Stadium to more than $10,000.
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FDA Moves To Ease Blood Donation Rules For Gay And Bisexual Men
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The Food and Drug Administration has proposed easing blood donation guidelines for gay and bisexual men, doing away with the current three-month abstinence requirement for donations from men who have sex with men. What do you think?
“But what if a life-saving transfusion from a gay man forces me to examine my prejudices?”
Brent Hamlin, Grain Inspector
“I guess they got all the homophobia out of their system with the Monkeypox coverage.”
Damien Cicchelli, Freelance Agitator
“I’m glad we’re doing away with the last remaining shred of anti-gay prejudice in our society.”
Audrey Davila, Insult Cataloguer
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Nick Bosa Quietly Admits To Offensive Tackle That Being Held Feels Nice
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PHILADELPHIA—As the players stood around on the field during a timeout in the NFC Championship game, San Francisco 49ers defensive end Nick Bosa was reportedly heard quietly admitting to Philadelphia Eagles offensive tackle Jordan Mailata that being held feels nice. “I’m just saying, it’s a tough game, and being able to experience the warmth of human touch for a few minutes during it really gives me the strength to keep going,” said Bosa, adding that even when play was whistled dead, he didn’t want the embrace to end. “It really brightens my day, and I’m man enough to admit it. Sure, we’re on different teams, and our goals are diametrically opposite each other, but that doesn’t mean we can’t enjoy the intimate moment when our arms are locked together. It’s only human, after all. I wonder, though, if next time you could hold me a little tighter, and maybe whisper into my ear that everything is going to be okay?” At press time, Bosa had dived into a scrum of players trying to recover a fumble in an effort to cuddle.
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Zelensky Calls On U.S. To Send Totally Psycho Marine
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KYIV, UKRAINE—In a desperate plea for aid in the continued effort to expel his nation’s Russian occupiers, sources reported Friday that President Volodymyr Zelensky had called upon the United States to send a totally psycho marine to assist in Ukraine’s war effort. “You know, one of those expertly trained, one-man-army guys who carries an arsenal on his back and has killed so many people in combat he’s now cold, unfeeling, and completely insane—you gotta have at least one of those to spare, right?” said Zelensky, specifying that the ideal candidate would be a wild-eyed shirtless muscleman who functioned as a completely self-sufficient killing machine and could take out hundreds, if not thousands, of enemies all by himself. “In order to get the upper hand against Russia, we’re going to need your most batshit, balls-to-the-wall ex-special-forces guy. He’ll have a crazy name like Razor or Bloodhound or something, and he’ll always be blacking out and waking up covered in blood with a whole village dead around him. If he has a personal score to settle with the Russians, that’s great, but the most important thing is that he just kills and kills and kills and kills—sometimes using a cherished hunting knife that belonged to a fallen comrade, even though a gun would be faster. Honestly, he can kill a few Ukrainians too, if he wants, just so long as he gets the job done.” At press time, the U.S. Marine Corps had reportedly agreed to send “the craziest motherfucker” it had, just as soon as he had applied his face paint, donned a necklace of severed human ears, and stopped in for chest wax.
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Dolphin Trained To Kill By U.S. Military In ’60s Now Lying Destitute In Street
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SAN DIEGO—Remaining unhoused despite the brave sacrifices he made to keep America safe, sources reported Friday that Tinker, a local dolphin trained to kill by the U.S. military in the 1960s, was found lying destitute under a bridge downtown. “It’s really sad, after everything they went through in Vietnam, to see these dolphins neglected by the government that turned them into ruthless killing machines,” said marine mammal rights advocate Paula Redford, explaining that few benefits were available to such dolphins, though many lost fins or even noses protecting U.S. submarines from undersea mines. “Tinker here was drafted into the Navy and did two tours of duty in Cam Ranh Bay, where his sole mission was to identify and neutralize enemy swimmers trying to attack a vital ammunition pier. When he came back, he wasn’t the same, and he was soon dismissed from his job at SeaWorld for maiming a family of tourists. But Tinker was just doing what his government had taught him to do. Today, he continues to suffer flashbacks from the experimental hallucinogens he was administered in the MK-Ultra program, and as you can see from the pipe sticking out of his blowhole, he is addicted to crack.” Redford added that until someone helps them get off the street and into a habitable cove or aquarium, dolphins like Tinker would continue to sit wrapped in dirty blankets, clinking their tin cans and asking passersby for spare krill.
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Man Doing ‘Dry January’ Feels Like He’s Been Abusing Family Way Less
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WOOSTER, OH—Noting that the self-imposed period of sobriety had given him a new lease on life, local man Jeremy Thatcher told reporters Thursday that doing “Dry January” made him feel like he had been abusing his family way less. “Ever since I stopped drinking booze this month, I’ve noticed I’ve generally had way less of an impulse to go out, come home late at night, and beat the living shit out of everyone I love,” said Thatcher, adding that while the hiatus from drinking was hard, it was impossible to deny that he felt happier, looked healthier, and seemed to have greatly reduced the number of times per day that he physically and emotionally terrorized his wife and two young children. “Physically, I feel better because my knuckles almost never bleed. Financially, I save a ton of money because I’m not kicking down doors, punching holes through walls, or setting the couch on fire. And mentally, I almost always sleep through the night now because no one is crying or calling the police. Come Feb. 1, I’ll almost be sad to start drinking again.” At press time, Thatcher could not be reached for comment, as he had declared that day a cheat day and gone on a massive all-night family-beating bender.
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‘No Way To Prevent This,’ Says Only Nation Where This Regularly Happens
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HALF MOON BAY, CA—In the hours following a violent rampage in California in which a lone attacker killed seven individuals and injured one other, citizens living in the only country where this kind of mass killing routinely occurs reportedly concluded Tuesday that there was no way to prevent the massacre from taking place. “This was a terrible tragedy, but sometimes these things just happen and there’s nothing anyone can do to stop them,” said New Hampshire resident Lisa Martin, echoing sentiments expressed by tens of millions of individuals who reside in a nation where over half of the world’s deadliest mass shootings have occurred in the past 50 years and whose citizens are 20 times more likely to die of gun violence than those of other developed nations. “It’s a shame, but what can we do? There really wasn’t anything that was going to keep this individual from snapping and killing a lot of people if that’s what they really wanted.” At press time, residents of the only economically advanced nation in the world where roughly two mass shootings have occurred every month for the past eight years were referring to themselves and their situation as “helpless.”
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