Publisher Penguin Random House announced it will release a new collection of Roald Dahl’s children’s novels in their original form after it received criticism for cuts and rewrites removing language that may be offensive to some modern-day readers. What do you think?
“See? You can please everyone.”
Eva Freeman, Candle Scenter
“I’m just disgusted that Roald Dahl has been silent on the matter.”
Andre Ostkamp, Buffet Monitor
“I still wish they kept out the parts aimed at me by name.”
TACOMA, WA—Claiming the defective unit was a game changer, local man Ralph Keizer had to admit Friday that the air fryer that burned down his house did a good job on tater tots. “Aside from bursting into flames and turning my home into an inferno, I gotta say, this air fryer did an absolutely amazing job on these tots,” said Keizer, snacking on his perfectly cooked tater tots amidst the charred rubble of his former home. “They’re both perfectly crispy and fluffy. What more could you ask for, other than to still have my house? And it uses so little oil, which is good because all mine was lost in the fire.” At press time, Keizer added that his family who burned to death in the fire would have loved the tater tots.
A new survey found that 47% of Americans have one unused gift card, voucher, or store credit, totaling $21 billion nationwide, with the average person having $175 in such unused funds. What do you think?
“What a waste of so many thoughtless gifts.”
Lamar Headen, Deregulator
“How else do people expect someone to save for retirement?”
Eric Borreguero, Unemployed
“Oh, I thought that was just a piece of plastic with the word ‘Sephora’ on it.”
WASHINGTON—Worn down and weakened by the one-year anniversary of the war’s media coverage, a weary U.S. populace confirmed Friday they were not sure how much longer they could occasionally glance at headlines about Ukraine. “Scrolling by all those pictures of crying children and bombed cities—I just don’t know if I have it in me anymore,” said sales executive John Hollencamp, echoing the dismay of millions of individuals across the country who feared they no longer had the resolve to read a full headline about the Russian invasion of Ukraine, let alone click on a link to an article. “Every day, I find myself pining for my old life, those carefree days when I didn’t even give Ukraine a passing thought. I really didn’t know how good I had it. Sometimes I’ll stare at a photo of an amputee for two seconds, but that’s really all I have left within me. There’s only so much photojournalism one man can take.” At press time, Hollencamp added he was still holding out hope that war coverage would end soon.
WASHINGTON—Announcing that the overly restrictive rules would be rolled back once and for all, the Food and Drug Administration announced Thursday that any white liquid could now be called “milk.” “Starting today, any opaque liquid that is pale in color can legally be labeled ‘milk,’ regardless of its origin, taste, or smell,” said FDA chief Dr. Robert M. Califf, adding that after months of crafting the new regulation, substances like clam juice, tofu runoff, sunscreen, and white paint could now be sold freely in the dairy aisle. “Glue is now milk. Egg white is milk. Even semen is now milk, no matter what species the semen comes from! Bottom line, as far as we’re concerned, if you can put it in a bottle or carton and then pour it into a glass, that’s milk. Period.” At press time, the FDA recalled several million gallons of milk after the white liquid was found to have come from the udder of a bovine animal.
A factory-sealed, first-generation iPhone sold at auction for $63,356.40, more than 100 times its original price, after a woman was gifted the phone in 2007, but never opened it because she didn’t want to get rid of her other phone. What do you think?
“Why? It’s just going to be phased out by the iPhone 2 at auction in a couple years.”
Gracie Bolufe, Snake Breeder
“To think that phone is so old that some of the people who assembled it are adults now.”
Colton Shaw, Holistic Plumber
“This is why I leave all my electronics, toys, furniture, and food in its original packaging.”
DAYTON, OH—Insisting that it worked every time, local parents Lewis and Dawn Ladin tricked their child into eating more vegetables Wednesday by hitting him if he didn’t eat his vegetables. “I’ve found the best way to dupe my kid into eating healthy is to clobber him if he refuses,” said Lewis Ladin, claiming that sneakily smacking his son in the back of the head never failed to get the child to scarf down a full serving of broccoli. “If he’s being particularly finicky about having his greens, sometimes I like to hide cauliflower in a sock and wail on him with that. Now he begs to eat spinach rather than endure the thrashing.” At press time, Ladin told his son that eating his Brussels sprouts was essential for growing up big and strong enough to fight back.
NEW YORK—Walking back his previous comments that Republican presidential hopeful Nikki Haley was past her “prime,” an apologetic Don Lemon clarified to reporters Tuesday that a woman’s relevance was not defined by age, but by conventional attractiveness. “It doesn’t matter if a woman is in her 20s or her 70s, her value is only dependent on how hot she is by traditional beauty standards,” said Lemon, adding that as long as a woman has an hourglass figure and symmetrical features that are pleasing to the eye, she can continue to be a valuable contribution to society way past 40. “The reference I made to a woman’s ‘prime’ was unartful and irrelevant, and I realize that being younger does not automatically give someone more worth, especially if they’re overweight. The only requirement a woman needs in order to have any relevance is to be a total smoke show.” Lemon continued that he was extremely sorry for suggesting that Nikki Haley was past her prime when really all she needed was a little Botox or filler.
HOUSTON—Expressing overwhelming gratitude for his partner, local man Tyler Dorfman told reporters Monday that marrying his wife Kelsey Dorfman, a woman who doesn’t eat her pizza crusts, was the best decision he ever made. “It’s basically double the crusts, or kind of infinity crusts when you think about how much more pizza in our lifetime we still have left to eat,” said Dorfman, who shuddered with dread as he speculated what would have become of his life if he had never met the woman who left the discarded crusts piled on the edge of her plate every time the couple ordered pizza approximately two to three times a month. “Yep, I pretty much won the jackpot with this one. Sometimes I even dip them in ranch dressing. Otherwise, we fight constantly and it’s pretty much a loveless marriage, but I can’t get enough of these crusts!” At press time, Dorfman added that if the couple ever had a kid, hopefully the child wouldn’t like to eat their pizza crusts either.
WASHINGTON—Announcing the decision to end its sex-trafficking investigation into the Republican congressman, the Justice Department stated Friday that it concurred with Rep. Matt Gaetz’s defense that 17-year-olds were pretty much ready to roll. “After two years of pouring over every detail within this highly sensitive case, we have concluded that Mr. Gaetz was correct when he pointed out that come on, at that age, a girl is all but cleared for landing,” said Attorney General Merrick Garland, who added that the women Gaetz is alleged to have paid for sex—at least one of whom was a girl under 18—were mature for their age, and that they were “pretty much fair game” if they wanted to accept cash in exchange for sleeping with a member of Congress. “The Justice Department took this case extremely seriously, and by all accounts, the witnesses and the evidence point to the fact that these girls were definitely old enough to give the green light. If anything, we agree with Gaetz that they’d also have been ready to do that at an even younger age, like 14 or 15. Seriously, just look at them.” Garland went on to announce that any underage woman who came forward to accuse Gaetz of sex-trafficking would face federal charges of being a ho-bag slut.
On Feb. 3, trains carrying toxic chemicals including butyl acrylate and vinyl chloride derailed in East Palestine, OH, leading to a chain of events that have been scrutinized for their impact on theenvironment and local residents. The Onion tells you everything you need to know about the train derailment and toxic chemicals in Ohio.
Q: Where is East Palestine? A: Hop on I-76 and keep driving till you hit the permanent smoke cloud, you can’t miss it.
Q: What caused the derailment? A: Officials are reportedly investigating whether the train was drunk.
Q: What is butyl acrylate? A: A sweet-smelling, colorless liquid that shouldn’t be inhaled, ingested, or federally acknowledged.
Q: What is vinyl chloride? A: A type of chloride popular in the ’60s and ’70s that has made a recent comeback among chloride snobs.
Q: Didn’t railroad workers want to strike last year to improve things like train-inspection conditions, but President Biden blocked them to protect corporate interests? A: Well, sure, but it made railway shareholder dividends go up.
Q: This won’t delay my shipments of cheap consumer goods, will it? A: God no, this is America!
Q: How are government officials helping the people of East Palestine? A: By collaborating on a series of pamphlets highlighting the benefits of cancer.
Q: How can Norfolk Southern Railway rebound from this fiasco? A: They’ll certainly need to consider layoffs.
Q: What is being done for employees impacted by the derailment? A: Biden has urged any affected railroad workers to give themselves time to recover using their ample paid time off.
Q: What will the long-term effects of this disaster be? A: A golden age of class-action lawsuit commercials in 10 to 15 years.
WASHINGTON—In an attempt to relieve some of the tremendous insecurity and anxiety he had been experiencing lately, President Joe Biden reportedly reassured himself Tuesday that people weren’t even thinking about him all that much. “People have jobs and kids—they have lives—so it’s not like they’re going to spend a lot of time paying attention to me,” said President Biden, reminding himself that between inflation, healthcare costs, the loss of reproductive rights, gun violence, and environmental disaster, most Americans had “enough on their plate already” without worrying about what “old Joe Biden” was doing. “I can’t let myself get worked up by all this shit. I mean, on a given day, there are probably only a handful of people who notice me, and they’re all way too busy to bother scrutinizing my words and actions. Seriously, how many folks in this town even know my name?” At press time, sources confirmed that Biden had calmed his nerves before a major summit on averting climate catastrophe by reminding himself that it was okay to make mistakes.
The Kansas City Chiefs captured their second championship in four seasons after Harrison Butker kicked the game-winning field goal of Super Bowl LVII to secure a 38-35 win over the Philadelphia Eagles.What do you think?
“There’s nothing sweeter than watching the heir to an oil fortune hoist a trophy his employees won.”
Milton Edwards, Target Positioner
“My heart breaks thinking about all those cars that will go unflipped in Philadelphia today.”
Ken Agoh, Phlegmologist
“But the true winners of last night’s Super Bowl were the Kansas City Chiefs.”
If you’ve ever had the misfortune of being acquainted with a die-hard Philadelphia Eagles fan, then you know that it is highly inadvisable to say any of the following things.
2 / 20
“Stop, you’re destroying my store!”
“Stop, you’re destroying my store!”
Once Eagles fans have started vandalizing property, it’s best to evacuate to safety.
3 / 20
“You can’t park here, this is my living room.”
“You can’t park here, this is my living room.”
Sounds like loser talk.
“I can DD tonight.”
No need. They’re fine with drinking and driving.
5 / 20
“Please stop hitting me.”
“Please stop hitting me.”
You asked for it now, jabroni!
6 / 20
“I bet you can’t turn over my car and set it on fire.”
“I bet you can’t turn over my car and set it on fire.”
This is exactly how you get your car to be turned over and set on fire.
“Good game.”
Sportsmanship is seen as a sign of weakness in Philadelphia.
8 / 20
“Free drinks on the house!”
“Free drinks on the house!”
This will not end well.
9 / 20
“It’s amazing to have two Black quarterbacks in the Super Bowl, even if yours is so much worse.”
“It’s amazing to have two Black quarterbacks in the Super Bowl, even if yours is so much worse.”
Hopefully, they’ll just focus on the racial milestone.
10 / 20
“Your secondary doesn’t have the hybrid skillsets required to counter the Chief’s 12 and 13 personnel RPO scheme.”
“Your secondary doesn’t have the hybrid skillsets required to counter the Chief’s 12 and 13 personnel RPO scheme.”
Football analysis that doesn’t center around “grit” and “winning mentality” will surely send any Eagles fan into a rage.
11 / 20
“My name is Tom Brady, and I defeated your team at the 2005 Super Bowl.”
“My name is Tom Brady, and I defeated your team at the 2005 Super Bowl.”
This might understandably make them upset.
12 / 20
“No one on the Eagles is good enough to get a concussion.”
“No one on the Eagles is good enough to get a concussion.”
Heavily-concussed Eagles fans would beg to differ.
13 / 20
“Flags go up poles all the time, I’m not impressed when you do it.”
“Flags go up poles all the time, I’m not impressed when you do it.”
It’s best not to disrespect Eagles fans’ ability to climb a pole when their team wins.
14 / 20
“Do you murder the other teams’ fans before or after the game?”
“Do you murder the other teams’ fans before or after the game?”
They like to keep it a surprise.
15 / 20
“Sport is a sociocultural placeholder for the tribalistic catharsis that globalization has taken from us.”
“Sport is a sociocultural placeholder for the tribalistic catharsis that globalization has taken from us.”
Well look at la-di-da Mr. Ivy League over here talking about a globalization jawn.
“Jawn.”
No one in Philadelphia ever actually says jawn. It’s all a big conspiracy.
17 / 20
“Regardless of who wins, I’m just happy to watch the game with you.”
“Regardless of who wins, I’m just happy to watch the game with you.”
Pussy!
18 / 20
“Win or lose, you’ll still be living in Philly when the Super Bowl’s over.”
“Win or lose, you’ll still be living in Philly when the Super Bowl’s over.”
