ReportWire

Tag: The Onion

  • Idaho Becomes Latest State To Permit Execution By Firing Squad

    Idaho Becomes Latest State To Permit Execution By Firing Squad

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    Republican Idaho Gov. Brad Little has signed a bill allowing execution by firing squad, making Idaho the latest state to turn to older methods of capital punishment amid a nationwide shortage of lethal injection drugs. What do you think?

    “I’m choosing both lethal injection and firing squad just to avoid any fuck-ups.”

    Miranda Perez, Gut Consultant

    Demand Grows For Stricter Transit Regulations After Derailing Train Hits Airplane At 30,000 Feet

    “I dream of a future in which prisoners are executed by the state humanely.”

    Sohail Ashraf, Systems Analyst

    “That’s a waste of bullets. Don’t they have a big rock or something they can drop on people?”

    Trevor Moayedi, Freelance Doodler

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  • God Accidentally Burns Down Heaven After Curling Iron Malfunctions

    God Accidentally Burns Down Heaven After Curling Iron Malfunctions

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    THE HEAVENS—With smoke and the acrid smell of charred cherubim filling the skies, celestial sources confirmed Wednesday that the Lord God Almighty accidentally burned down heaven this morning when His malfunctioning curling iron started an electrical fire. “I was just putting some nice, loose beach waves in My hair when that piece of shit started sparking, and before I knew it, the towels, the curtains, and the entire Promised Land went up in flames,” said God, whose hair was only half-curled, adding that He was tempted to smite the manufacturers of the cheap curling iron He bought from Shein. “It was so embarrassing when the firefighters showed up, and there I was standing outside the Pearly Gates like an idiot in my bathrobe. On top of everything else, I had 40 or 50 billion eternal souls in there that were burnt to a crisp and can’t be replaced. Some Everlasting Kingdom this turned out to be, huh?” God added that until He could find a new home on high from which to gaze upon His creation, He’d probably just crash with His old buddy Satan down in hell.

    NASA Delays Artemis Launch After Rocket Gets Scared

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  • ‘Succession’ Season Premiere Features Return Of Shadowy Dr. Succession Character

    ‘Succession’ Season Premiere Features Return Of Shadowy Dr. Succession Character

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    NEW YORK—In a dramatic twist that shocked viewers who had waited more than a year for a new episode of the HBO drama, Sunday’s season premiere of Succession featured an unexpected reappearance of the show’s shadowy Dr. Succession character. “Longtime fans of the series were appalled and delighted when its powerful but seldom-seen antagonist, the nefarious Dr. Succession, stepped out of the darkness in the warehouse to which he had lured the Roy family and let out one of his trademark cackles,” said TV critic Emily Barnes, who argued that the eponymous villain’s return had been subtly foreshadowed ever since Siobhan Roy pushed him into a volcano at the end of season two, leading her family to believe he had finally been vanquished. “The reemergence of the menacing psychologist and inventor who swore to wreak terrible vengeance on the Roys after their media empire inadvertently killed his wife is a welcome development for the new season. From the moment Dr. Succession revealed that he was Logan Roy’s evil twin brother as they did battle in their mech suits atop Waystar Royco headquarters, viewers have appreciated the Shakespearean dimensions of this nuanced character. In the early seasons, audiences tuned into Succession to see if the Roys could put aside their differences and harness the power of love to stop Dr. Succession when he strapped a bomb to the president of the United States or turned back time, causing Manhattan to be overrun with dinosaurs. One can only hope the show’s final season is a return to form in which Kendall, Shiv, Roman, and the rest of the crew face off against this chilling puppet master who seeks to rule the world with a bionic fist.” In a sneak peak of the season’s second episode, Dr. Succession is seen laughing hysterically as he tells the Roy family, “Now, my friends, it is you who will fuck off!”

    EPA Closes Down After Running Out Of Salvageable Environment To Protect

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  • Kyrsten Sinema Descends To Senate Floor On Floating Platform Wearing Dress Shaped Like Gumball Machine

    Kyrsten Sinema Descends To Senate Floor On Floating Platform Wearing Dress Shaped Like Gumball Machine

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  • Week In Review: March 26, 2023

    Week In Review: March 26, 2023

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  • Antisemitic Attacks Hit Record High

    Antisemitic Attacks Hit Record High

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    According to a report released by the Anti-Defamation League, incidents of antisemitism in the United States jumped to its highest level since the organization began tracking it in 1979, up 36% from the year before. What do you think?

    “We can’t assume the attacks are antisemitic just because the people who do them happen to be antisemitic.”

    Elizabeth Thatch, Cost Estimator

    “Don’t look at me, I spread my racially motivated violence out across ethnic groups.”

    Stefan Richards, Phobia Counselor

    “Even after being canceled, Kanye remains a trendsetter.”

    Danny Lomax, Middle-End Developer

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  • Report: French Protests Can Only Mean Something Crazy Happened With Way M&M’s Marketed Over There

    Report: French Protests Can Only Mean Something Crazy Happened With Way M&M’s Marketed Over There

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    EQUINUNK, PA—Watching as more than 1 million people took to the streets in violent demonstrations across France, U.S. residents reported Friday that the intensity of the French protests must mean something crazy happened with the way M&M’s are marketed over there. “Seeing how passionate these protesters are leads me to believe they’re angry about a very serious matter, like a candy brand altering its cartoon mascot so that she no longer conforms to my very specific ideas about femininity,” said 49-year-old Pennsylvania resident Chase Henderson, who along with millions of other Americans reacted with a knowing nod to footage of cars being turned over and buildings set on fire, having identified anthropomorphic candy-coated chocolates as the sole possible source of upheaval. “I know that I wanted to riot when they made the green M&M character less sexually appealing to me by taking away her go-go boots. Maybe in France they did something even worse, like giving one of the M&M guys a lisp, which would certainly upset me. If that happened, I might suddenly become confused about which M&M I most wanted to fuck.” At press time, reports confirmed the weeks-long uprising in France was in fact a response to a new television ad in which a female M&M character is seen wearing a hijab.

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  • NPR Launches New Podcast Exploring Lives Of Employees They Just Laid Off

    NPR Launches New Podcast Exploring Lives Of Employees They Just Laid Off

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    NEW YORK—In the wake of a cost-cutting decision to terminate roughly 10% of its workforce, National Public Radio announced Friday that it had launched a new podcast exploring the lives of employees they just laid off. “Although the decision to eliminate roughly 100 employees was not taken lightly, we are so excited to announce our next groundbreaking podcast series, which follows several NPR correspondents, researchers, and audio engineers on their gripping and often heartbreaking journey through unemployment,” said CEO John F. Lansing, adding that the 10-part, hour long series called Down And Out will feature many listeners’ favorite correspondents from podcasts like Invisibilia, Louder Than A Riot, and Rough Translation struggling to pay rent, go to the doctor, or put food on the table. “While NPR did provide employees with severance, that will eventually run out, and that’s where the podcast truly begins. Will our former employees ever be able to get another job? Will they have to move home with their parents? Might they even leave the media industry entirely? Tune in for our first episode—featuring a surprise guest who lost his job after 40 years of working at NPR—to find out!” At press time, Lansing announced that the entire Down And Out production team had been let go.

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  • Short Concertgoer Annoyed After Getting Stuck Behind Man Growing Continuously Taller

    Short Concertgoer Annoyed After Getting Stuck Behind Man Growing Continuously Taller

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    LOS ANGELES—Standing on her tiptoes and craning her neck to no avail, short concertgoer Kate Wulff reportedly grew annoyed Friday night after getting stuck behind a man growing continuously taller. “Goddamn it, this guy’s got to be at least 6-foot-4—and now he’s 6-foot-5, 6-foot-6, 6-foot-7,” said Wulff, who groaned in frustration and stated that just once she’d like to go to a show where she wasn’t trapped behind a rapidly growing man. “I know he can’t control it, but I’m just saying, if I were a guy who was getting taller and taller, I’d stand way at the back. Christ, I can’t see a thing! I’d say something, but I can’t even reach up to tap on his shoulder anymore. Well, at least he’s not growing any wider.” At press time, Wulff was complaining that she also couldn’t hear the band over the sound of the 40-foot-tall man’s head bursting through the roof.

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  • The President Has Fallen: What To Know About Trump’s Potential Indictment

    The President Has Fallen: What To Know About Trump’s Potential Indictment

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    Former President Donald Trump is facing a potential indictment by the Manhattan district attorney over alleged hush money payments to adult film actress Stormy Daniels, setting off a national firestorm of controversy. The Onion tells you everything you need to know about Trump’s potential indictment.

    Q: What is Trump being charged with?
    A: Botching a layup crime that anyone with his wealth should have gotten away with no problem.

    Q: Who is bringing the charges against him?
    A: Rich, out-of-touch New Yorkers who could never understand Trump’s middle-class heartland values.

    Q: Why wasn’t Trump arrested on Tuesday like he said he would be? A: This was a rare instance of the usually prudent former president posting before thinking.

    Q: Is this the first time a former president has been indicted?
    A: No, Jimmy Carter was found guilty of leading one of the biggest credit card skimming rings in history.

    G/O Media may get a commission

    Q: Will there be riots in response to his arrest? 
    A: The correct term for when white people smash things is “demonstration.”

    Q: How is the media covering this story? 
    A: They’re striving to hit that sweet spot of breathless and reckless.

    Q: Would imprisonment impact Trump’s 2024 presidential candidacy?
    A: Trump has vowed to run for president from prison just like his hero Eugene Debs.

    Q: What does it tell us as a nation that Trump is the first U.S. president ever criminally charged?
    A: That The Hague has really been slacking off.

    Q: So will Trump go to prison? 
    A: In a way, he has been in a prison of his own privilege his whole life, but no.

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  • Gwyneth Paltrow Stands Trial For ‘Hit-And-Run’ Ski Crash

    Gwyneth Paltrow Stands Trial For ‘Hit-And-Run’ Ski Crash

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    Gwyneth Paltrow is standing trial in a lawsuit filed by a man accusing the actress-turned-lifestyle influencer of violently crashing into him while skiing at a Utah resort in 2016, causing him several serious injuries and then abandoning him. What do you think?

    “Everything she does is so effortless!”

    Pam Diaz, Memorial Decorator

    “It’s nice to see there are still good roles for women over 30 in the legal system.”

    Allen Puntier, Shark Wrangler

    “What is he mad about? Having a beautiful woman break your ribs is every man’s fantasy.”

    Damien Casillas, Backyard Archaeologist

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  • Annotations In Used Copy Of ‘Autobiography Of Malcolm X’ Make It Painfully Obvious That Previous Owner Was White

    Annotations In Used Copy Of ‘Autobiography Of Malcolm X’ Make It Painfully Obvious That Previous Owner Was White

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    CHICAGO—With dumbfounded question marks and astounded exclamation points littering the margins of almost every page, the handwritten annotations found Wednesday in a secondhand copy of The Autobiography Of Malcolm X made it painfully obvious that the previous owner of the book was white. “It’s amazing how many of the notes in here start with ‘But what about…’ or just say, ‘That’s going a little too far,’” the volume’s current owner, local man James Hawkins, told reporters as he flipped to a page in which Malcolm X is accused of reverse discrimination in a pencil scrawl underlined three times. “Every time the text refers to something like the ‘devil white man,’ the phrase has been circled and someone’s written ‘Hmm…’ off to the side. And when it starts mentioning the Nation of Islam, they just wrote ‘Terrorist?’” Hawkins went on to observe that the annotations don’t go past the first chapter.

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  • U.S. Announces Plans To Reclassify Everyone’s Race Based On Net Worth

    U.S. Announces Plans To Reclassify Everyone’s Race Based On Net Worth

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    WASHINGTON—Claiming the new system would make things simpler for everyone and avoid confusing mix-ups, Congress passed a joint resolution Tuesday that would reclassify every citizen’s race according to their net worth. “It is resolved by the U.S. Senate and House of Representatives that any American whose wealth exceeds $1 million shall be white,” read the bipartisan legislation, which went on to state that citizens who were dissatisfied with the race they were assigned under the new criteria would be “free to pull themselves up by their bootstraps” in order to reach a racial category of greater privilege. “Now, regardless of the color of their skin, those who are rich will receive all the rights a wealthy person is entitled to in this country. Meanwhile, those with a net worth in the six figures, though they cannot be white, will still qualify as Asian, with the social scale moving downward from there to Latino and Black. This should go a long way toward making our racial stereotypes as accurate as possible.” In an attempt to deal a final blow to the complications of intersectionality, Congress was reportedly taking up additional legislation to ensure everyone earning above the median income level was classified as a man, and everyone below it as a woman.

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  • French Bulldog Becomes Top U.S. Dog Breed

    French Bulldog Becomes Top U.S. Dog Breed

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    According to new American Kennel Club rankings, the expensive and highly sought-after French bulldog was the most popular dog breed in the U.S. in 2022, unseating labradors from the top spot for the first time in 31 years. What do you think?

    “Honestly, the very sight of my lab now disgusts me.”

    Rhys Lloyd, Twist Tie Collector

    “If the past three years have shown us anything, it’s that Americans don’t really care about respiratory issues.”

    Jim Bevel, Soil Tiller

    “Hopefully all of this success doesn’t go to their flat, poorly evolved heads.”

    Francine Bizzle, Unemployed

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  • Week In Review: March 19, 2023

    Week In Review: March 19, 2023

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  • Donald Glover Confirms Barron Trump Will Be Writing On ‘Swarm’ Season 2

    Donald Glover Confirms Barron Trump Will Be Writing On ‘Swarm’ Season 2

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    LOS ANGELES—Stating that his latest hire was sure to take the storyline in fascinating new directions, Donald Glover confirmed Friday that Barron Trump would be a writer on the second season of Swarm. “Barron brings a lot to the table, and we’re sure he’ll be an indispensable presence in our writers room next season,” said Glover, explaining that he and his co-creator Janine Nabers were blown away after reading the former president’s son’s Atlanta spec script. “I think the unique life experience Barron has had will give him a lot of insight into the mind of a young Houston woman who has endured a series of dead-end jobs, maxed out her credit cards, and worked as an exotic dancer. It’s honestly a complete coincidence that his father is Donald Trump; he was hands-down the best working professional writer we could find anywhere.” At press time, Glover confirmed that he had hired Hunter Biden to do joke punch-ups on the show.

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  • Subway CEO Just Assumed Cold Cut Combo Started Covid

    Subway CEO Just Assumed Cold Cut Combo Started Covid

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    MILFORD, CT—With new genetic evidence tying Covid-19 to animals sold at a wet market in Wuhan, China, Subway CEO John Chidsey confirmed Friday that he had just assumed this whole time that the virus originated with the restaurant chain’s Cold Cut Combo. “I wasn’t going to say anything, but I was 99% sure Covid-19 made the jump to humans from one of our classic Cold Cut Combo sandwiches,” said Chidsey, adding that it wouldn’t have been the first time a global pandemic spread from one of the franchise’s menu offerings, nor would it be the last. “Between the three types of lukewarm, sweaty cold cuts; the translucent, decomposing vegetables; and the bulk, room-temperature mayonnaise we pile on that thing, I wouldn’t be surprised if it took out 3 million people in one day, let alone over the course of several years. In fact, I’m still not convinced it didn’t—that’s not too far off our annual number of rancid ham-related deaths. Nothing is cooked inside a Subway, and we are still not allowed to classify our bread as food, so you do the math. Most of this meat is just sitting outside the back door in a garbage bag—we don’t even order it, and when we do order it, it’s purchased loose from the back of some guy’s truck that’s always parked in the sun. So I can’t say whether or not an infected raccoon dog or bat or whatever made it into one of our sandwiches or was, God forbid, exposed to one, but either way, I presumed this whole thing was either our fault or Quiznos’.” At press time, Chidsey had reportedly used the public exoneration as an opportunity to relaunch Subway’s discontinued H1N1 Chicken Club from 2009.

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  • Obama Reveals His NCAA Tournament Bracket Winner Is ‘Song Of Solomon’ By Toni Morrison

    Obama Reveals His NCAA Tournament Bracket Winner Is ‘Song Of Solomon’ By Toni Morrison

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    WASHINGTON—In a social media post sharing his predictions, former President Barack Obama revealed Friday that the winner he had picked for his NCAA basketball tournament bracket was Song Of Solomon by Toni Morrison. “March Madness is here, and this season, my money’s on Song Of Solomon—though I’m certainly keeping my eye on Emily The Criminal and the musical stylings of singer-songwriter Maggie Rogers,” said Obama, whose selections for the Final Four also included the Hulu miniseries Mrs. America, Beyoncé’s Renaissance, and Bob Dylan’s entire songwriting catalog. “Song Of Solomon is an underdog, that’s for sure, but with a National Book Critics Circle Award under its belt, this may be its year. I’m predicting it crushes Nomadland in the second round, easy, but it will still need to get past Jason Isbell if he makes it to the Sweet Sixteen again. As for the women’s tournament, I’m rooting for the National Park System.” At press time, Song of Solomon had been knocked out of the tournament by Gonzaga.

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  • HBO Max Announces Plans To Destroy All Evidence ‘The Sopranos’ Ever Existed

    HBO Max Announces Plans To Destroy All Evidence ‘The Sopranos’ Ever Existed

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    NEW YORK—In the wake of recent moves to reduce the size of its library in order to save on residual payments, streaming service HBO Max announced Thursday it would move forward with a plan to destroy all evidence that The Sopranos ever existed. “Once we have finished burning the 35-millimeter film on which the series was shot and deleting all digitized footage, we will begin confiscating millions of DVD box sets, which will then be steamrolled into tiny pieces and dumped into the Hudson River,” said CEO Casey Bloys, who explained that HBO would begin enforcing a unique noncompete clause in cast members’ contracts that would prohibit Edie Falco, Michael Imperioli, Lorraine Bracco, and other Sopranos stars from ever again taking an acting role and inadvertently reminding viewers of the show’s existence. “We have already bulldozed the structures used for exterior shots of Tony Soprano’s home and Satriale’s Pork Store, and will soon proceed with demolitions of the Lincoln Tunnel and the entirety of the New Jersey Turnpike.” Bloys confirmed that HBO had also directed its general counsel to send cease and desist letters to every Italian restaurant in the world that has baked ziti on the menu.

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  • Biden Approves Controversial Oil Drilling Project In Alaska

    Biden Approves Controversial Oil Drilling Project In Alaska

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    The Biden administration approved a massive $8 billion drilling project in Alaska for oil company ConocoPhillips, drawing objections from environmental groups who say it will speed up the climate breakdown and undermine food security. What do you think?

    “This is the kind of bipartisan destruction people wanted when they voted for Biden.”

    Buck Gallizeau, Unemployed

    “If protesters have a better idea to speed up our climate breakdown, I’m sure the government is all ears.”

    Daniel Mello, Blackjack Dealer

    “Okay, but let’s start fresh with stopping climate change tomorrow.”

    Kim Lytie, Plan Consultant

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