ReportWire

Tag: The Onion

  • Paris Opening Ceremony Features Tedious 45-Minute Discussion Of Godard’s Early Works

    Paris Opening Ceremony Features Tedious 45-Minute Discussion Of Godard’s Early Works

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    PARIS—With more than a billion viewers tuning in from around the world only to find themselves watching a panel of French film scholars and critical theorists, the opening ceremony of the Paris Olympics began Friday with a tedious 45-minute discussion of Jean-Luc Godard’s early works. “We’re half an hour in, and they’ve still only made it to Masculin Féminin,” said three-time Olympic medalist Lebron James, speaking for the majority of the 10,500 athletes in attendance, who visibly struggled to stay awake and reportedly found the lecture on how Godard influenced the French New Wave as both critic and filmmaker to be excruciatingly remedial. “I was hoping for something a little more exciting and nuanced, but the people on this stage have done little more than establish Godard’s own glib existentialism as the impetus for the lack of narrative in Breathless. Maybe it’s a cultural thing, but I don’t feel they have much to add to the conversation around the nostalgic and modern feel of his short works. I did like the synchronized lighting of the cigarettes, though.” At press time, the International Olympic Committee reportedly issued a number of fines after an arcane squabble about mise en scène in Le Petit Soldat broke out between Italy and Belarus.

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  • Hydrothermal Explosion At Yellowstone Blasts Debris Into Sky

    Hydrothermal Explosion At Yellowstone Blasts Debris Into Sky

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    A surprise eruption in Yellowstone National Park shot steam, water, and dark-colored rocks and dirt high into the sky, sending alarmed sightseers running for safety. What do you think?

    “America’s National Parks really do have the most beautiful debris.”

    Steve Schmeidel, Notebook Binder

    “It’s pretty pathetic to see what passes for an explosion in nature.”

    Owen Winkle, Excavation Assistant

    “Is the sky okay?”

    Natalie Zuber, Bedding Provider

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  • Biden Drops Out Of Presidential Race

    Biden Drops Out Of Presidential Race

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    President Joe Biden ended his reelection bid and endorsed Vice President Kamala Harris to succeed him, saying in a statement posted to his official X account that, “It has been the greatest honor of [his] life to serve as your President.” What do you think?

    “Nobler words were never mumbled.”

    Ed Gilpen, Holistic Pediatrician

    “He’s way too old to drop out!”

    Paul Nunez, Voiceover Coach

    “Whatever country he decides to go to next will be lucky to have him.”

    Angel Parisi, Purse Engineer

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  • J.D. Vance Vows To Fight For Forgotten Communities In Silicon Valley

    J.D. Vance Vows To Fight For Forgotten Communities In Silicon Valley

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    SAN FRANCISCO—Pledging to never leave behind the many millionaires and billionaires from the region who helped shape him into the person he is now, vice presidential candidate J.D. Vance vowed in a speech Tuesday that he would always fight for the forgotten communities in Silicon Valley. “Many of the Democratic elite are happy leaving behind this little tucked-away corner of America, but I will always remember what this place did for me—hell, half of you have probably donated to my campaign,” said Vance, looking at the faces of the tech entrepreneurs in the rally’s front row before tearing up as he described how venture capitalist Peter Thiel scraped together spare change to make a $15 million contribution to his 2022 Senate bid. “Many of you dropped out of college to invest in a unicorn startup. Some of you don’t have jobs because you retired at the age of 35. And if you are struggling to cobble together a pitch in an incubator somewhere, they still call you tech bros behind your back. Basically, this country doesn’t care about you. But I do. Know this, Silicon Valley—I will fight for you tirelessly from day one.” Vance added that despite this, he still felt those in Silicon Valley had no one but themselves to blame for the microdosing epidemic ravaging their community.

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  • J.D. Vance Named Trump VP Candidate

    J.D. Vance Named Trump VP Candidate

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    Donald Trump selected Ohio senator and Hillbilly Elegy author J.D. Vance to be his 2024 vice presidential running mate, choosing a 39-year-old loyalist with celebrity status among conservatives. What do you think?

    “It’s nice to finally be able to put a name to the scapegoat.”

    Lauren Fierro, Promotional Wholesaler

    “I’m always rooting for a fellow sycophant.”

    Andy Gamboa, Unemployed

    “Now the swing state of Ohio is secure.”

    Brian McDonald, Notary

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  • Trump Rewrites RNC Speech To Remove All Mentions Of Never Getting Shot In Ear

    Trump Rewrites RNC Speech To Remove All Mentions Of Never Getting Shot In Ear

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    MILWAUKEE—Following the chaotic events of the past 48 hours, former President Donald Trump reportedly rewrote his Republican National Convention acceptance speech Monday to remove all mentions of never having been shot in the ear. “My track record of never having gotten shot in the ear was very good, and was unfortunately the centerpiece of my speech for Thursday night,” said Trump, who expressed frustration to reporters after admitting he had been forced to completely overhaul his keynote address. “I tried to cut all the mentions of how I’ve gone my whole life without a bullet making contact with either of my ears, but it didn’t really flow after that. Plus, it was too short. About 50% too short. It’s a real shame, because it was one of the most brilliant speeches ever about having intact ears.” At press time, Trump hinted that the crux of the speech was now about how he thanked God that he turned his head to check out a hot attendee’s rack.

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  • Beachgoer In Japan Rescued After Being Swept 50 Miles Out To Sea

    Beachgoer In Japan Rescued After Being Swept 50 Miles Out To Sea

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    A woman who was swept 50 miles out into the Pacific Ocean while swimming with an inflatable swim ring was rescued after 37 hours, with authorities reporting she was likely taken by a current and pushed by strong winds in her inner tube. What do you think?

    “That’s pretty far to go before asking for help.”

    Elizabeth Roper, Sauce Chef

    “Sounds like she managed to have a pretty relaxing getaway.”

    Diego Migues, Printer Repairman

    “The hubris of some people to think mankind was ever meant to float on water.”

    Jeff Blaylock, Systems Analyst

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  • IRS Collects $1 Billion In Back Taxes From Wealthy Americans

    IRS Collects $1 Billion In Back Taxes From Wealthy Americans

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    Following a series of initiatives the IRS launched last year to pursue extremely wealthy tax evaders with a focus on individuals with more than $1 million in income and over $250,000 in debt, the organization announced that it has successfully collected $1 billion in back taxes. What do you think?

    “Imagine how many corporate tax breaks you can give with that much money!”

    Eli Orsi, Mug Tester

    “The IRS better hope they don’t get audited.”

    Mauricio Ibarra, Balloon Inflator

    “This is exactly why I choose to remain unemployed.”

    Rita Belk, Unemployed

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  • Biden Holds Critical Press Conference

    Biden Holds Critical Press Conference

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    In the wake of calls for him to step down from the presidential race following a poor debate performance and concerns about his mental ability to fulfill his duties, President Biden held an hour-long press conference in an attempt to prove his fitness for the position. What do you think?

    “I thought the one-armed push-ups were a bit much.”

    Dennis Gowdy, Racket Stringer

    “I’m fine with him being president, but he definitely shouldn’t be driving.”

    Ruby Beijos, PSA Animator

    “Enough—let’s see him dance.”

    Erin O’Leary, Unemployed

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  • God Forced To Shave Head After Contracting Plague Of Lice

    God Forced To Shave Head After Contracting Plague Of Lice

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    THE HEAVENS—Saying He had no choice but to target the painful, itching sensation directly at the source, God Almighty, Creator of the Universe, was reportedly forced to shave his head Thursday after contracting a biblical plague of lice. “Yesterday, a misdirected divine commandment resulted in all the dust of the heavens turning into lice and swarming through My celestial kingdom,” spake the Lord, adding that He had laundered His heavenly robes using the machine’s highest temperature setting and washed His flowing gray locks with lice shampoo but was still not rid of the blood-sucking insect plague He had brought down upon Himself. “So I’ve been forced to cut off the hair I’ve spent millennia growing out. And if this special nit comb I bought doesn’t work, I’ll have to shave My beard too. Then I’ll really look like an idiot. Or worse, a skinhead.” At press time, sources confirmed a clean-shaven God was looking in the mirror and trying to determine if He could pull off wearing a fedora.

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  • Point/Counterpoint: Hillary Clinton Is Polling Ahead Of Joe Biden vs. Did Somebody Say Hillary Clinton?

    Point/Counterpoint: Hillary Clinton Is Polling Ahead Of Joe Biden vs. Did Somebody Say Hillary Clinton?

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    Point: Hillary Clinton Is Polling Ahead Of Joe Biden

    Russell Kelley

    For Joe Biden, the next few days will be a make or break moment for his campaign. After a bad debate performance, many high-ranking officials and Democratic donors have called for him to bow out, and for another candidate, perhaps Kamala Harris, Gretchen Whitmer, or Gavin Newsom, to step up.

    But one name being floated around may surprise you. According to a recent survey, former Secretary of State Hillary Clinton is polling ahead of President Biden, and—

    Counterpoint: Did Somebody Say Hillary Clinton?

    Hillary Clinton

    Yoo-hoo! Oh, hello there. Sorry, I didn’t mean to interrupt. I couldn’t help but overhear someone saying the name “Hillary Clinton,” and since I’m the one and only Hillary Clinton, I figured I’d pop in and see what all the fuss was about!

    So, what’s going on? Anything fun? Anything cool? Tell me, what can ol’ Hillary Clinton do for you today?

    Don’t be shy. You see, I love meeting regular, everyday Americans! I was just on my way to a Goldman Sachs conference when I decided to put my ear to this wall and listen to your conversation for five minutes straight. So, what can I do you for, stranger?

    Do you want a photo? Do you want to thank me for all I’ve done for women across the world and to lavish me with praise? Or do you want to tell me I should run for president?

    Wait, who said anything about running for president? Certainly not me. Unless you did? Did you? Did you say I should run for president?

    Did you say I should run for president? Did you say I should run for president?

    Seriously, don’t let me interrupt. You were just in the middle of what must have been a very important conversation. Especially if it involved you and the American people finally honoring my God-given right to ascend to the highest office in the United States of America and rule this nation with an iron fist.

    This is my fight song (hey)
    Take back my life song (hey)
    Prove I’m all right song (hey, ha)
    My power’s turned on (hey)
    Starting right now, I’ll be strong (hey)
    I’ll play my fight song (hey)
    And I don’t really care if nobody else believes (ha)
    ’Cause I’ve still got a lot of fight left in me

    Anywho! I’ve got to get going. But if anyone asks, I’m 76 years old, I remember all my grandchildren’s names, and I’m totally free for the next four years. If you need me, just close your eyes, say my name three times, and I will appear.

    Now, let’s Pokémon get me to the White House!

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  • Highlights From The Heritage Foundation’s ‘Project 2025’

    Highlights From The Heritage Foundation’s ‘Project 2025’

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    Several high-ranking members of Donald Trump’s former administration recently released a stunning, highly detailed document outlining how they would overhaul the federal government should he be reelected president. The following are the biggest takeaways from the Heritage Foundation’s 922-page political playbook designed to bolster Trump’s power.

    Immigration through Ticketmaster: By privatizing immigration, it ensures all immigrants pay the service fee, order processing fee, and the occasional surge pricing fees.
    Dog militia: Every dog will receive a firearm to defend their country from tyrannical oppression.
    A must-try pesto recipe: Included on page 635 of the manifesto is a step-by-step guide for recreating Heritage Foundation president Kevin Roberts’ irresistible family pasta sauce.
    Official designation of the president as “America’s dad”: Project 2025 includes a chart showing the proposed family tree of the country, which would make Donald Trump the dad and all Americans his kids.
    Replace 30,000 federal employees with Eric Trump: He’ll run the Departments of Energy, Interior, and Labor while the Defense and the Joint Chiefs will be replaced by Tiffany.
    Mandatory embassy status for every McDonald’s: All franchises would be extraterritorial, sovereign lands of the United States of America, regardless of location.
    Bring back Gulags: But with a more American sounding name.

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  • Pros And Cons Of Granting Trump Presidential Immunity

    Pros And Cons Of Granting Trump Presidential Immunity

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    The Supreme Court recently made it more difficult to prosecute Donald Trump in his election interference case, ruling 6-3 along ideological lines to grant him partial immunity from criminal charges. The Onion explores the pros and cons of bolstering Trump’s presidential power by making any “core” constitutional act while in office legal.

    • PRO: Can finally stop pretending we live in a democracy.
    • CON: Nothing we can print out of fear of retribution.
    • PRO: Saves a ton on prosecution costs.
    • CON: One more jaywalker.
    • PRO: Nice to finally have it in writing.
    • CON: Encourages him to put personal crimes on company card.
    • PRO: Country won’t last long enough for him to use it very often.
    • CON: Being president will probably get boring after the fourth or fifth time.

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  • America Celebrates Fourth Of July

    America Celebrates Fourth Of July

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    Citizens across America are having barbecues and setting off fireworks to celebrate the Fourth of July, the nation’s independence day. What are you doing to celebrate?

    “Blowing off three fingers in a vain attempt to impress my girlfriend’s kid.”

    Huxley Pollard, Cathedral Roofer

    “I’m having a big party with some of my closest guns.”

    Leah Pierce, Storm Chaser

    “Probably jerk off and eat hot dogs like any other Thursday.”

    Terrence Carey, systems analyst

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  • A Day In The Life Of Steve Bannon In Federal Prison

    A Day In The Life Of Steve Bannon In Federal Prison

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    On July 1, Steve Bannon reported to federal prison to serve a four-month sentence for acting in contempt of Congress. The Onion followed the former Trump advisor and far-right figurehead for 24 hours behind bars.

    • 6 a.m. Finally completes overnight digestion of cellmate
    • 11 a.m.: Gets sent to Trump’s voicemail yet again
    • 12 p.m.: Picks maggots out of chow; eats maggots
    • 1:30 p.m.: Shanks self and blames it on Black prisoner
    • 2 p.m.: Applies for podcast work release
    • 3 p.m.: Gets neo-Nazi tattoo on only patch of living skin
    • 5 p.m.: 15 minutes of maniacal growling
    • 8 p.m.: Evening revenge vowing
    • 10 p.m.: Wonders if Trump is looking up at the same moon
    • 12 a.m.: Treats self to midnight snack by eating discarded asexual bud

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  • Coked-Up Nation Loves This Fucking Guy

    Coked-Up Nation Loves This Fucking Guy

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    LOS ANGELES—Emphasizing that he was exactly who you wanted in your corner when shit hit the fan, the coked-up nation announced Thursday that they love this fucking guy. “This guy? This guy right here? Quality fucking human being,” said 32-year-old Beverly Hills resident Greg Hanson, echoing the sentiment of 340 million highly stimulated Americans as he rubbed his nose furiously and pointed out that this was essentially a goddman legend they were talking about. “Holy shit, a total ride or die. No question about it. And we go back, big time. Forever. Forever, man We’re going out all night, seeing the sunrise. Literally no one you’d rather do that with. He’s got some crazy good business plans, too. Anyone have another bump? Hey? Anyone?” At press time, the nation had a major falling out with this fucking guy after the lying bastard refused to share any coke.

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  • Nearly Half Of All Borrowers Have Not Restarted Student Loan Payments

    Nearly Half Of All Borrowers Have Not Restarted Student Loan Payments

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    After the three-year pause on student loan repayment programs during the pandemic ended, 19 million borrowers either let their accounts become delinquent or extended their payment pause, leaving $1.6 trillion in debt being uncollected. What do you think?

    “Not me. I couldn’t wait to be bled dry again.”

    Roger Morant, Séance Assistant

    “I’m sure my bank will think of something.”

    Janae Carlson, Score Adjuster

    “I’ll admit I have been splurging on medical bills.”

    Anthony Ulyett, Steel Reinforcer

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  • Pope Francis Approves First Millennial Saint

    Pope Francis Approves First Millennial Saint

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    Carlo Acutis, a devout 15-year-old who died of leukemia in 2006 and has been nicknamed “God’s influencer” for his popular database cataloging Eucharistic miracles, has been officially recognized by Pope Francis as a saint, becoming the first of the millennial generation to be given the title. What do you think?

    “I’m sure he’s dabbing in Heaven right now.”

    Ivan Vo, Culture Enthusiast

    “The Catholic Church is certainly no stranger to giving undue attention to teenage boys.”

    Mateo Randolph, Pool Shark

    “Was MrBeast even considered?”

    Britany Ryder, Industrial Roofer

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