Tag: The Onion

“Accidentally decapitated by FEMA helicopter blade.”

“Climate change isn’t real. I’m going to die by my toddler shooting me with a gun just like everyone else.”

“Mount Everest falls on me.”

“I’d like to live long enough that I can drown in an ocean that’s reached the middle of Nebraska.”

“Probably my private jet crashing due to how much smoke is in the air.”

“A self-inflicted gunshot to the head after seeing what those floods did to my begonias.”

“Oh jeez, exposure, dehydration, famine, they’re all so fun. Do I have to pick just one?”

“Personally, I know I can only be vanquished if the powers of water, fire, ice, lightning, earth, and wind all combine together to stop my evil plan.”

“Can I drown in lava? Is that an option?”

“Prank involving our last remaining food sources gone wrong.”

“Successfully escaping the wildfires and then choking on a big bite of hamburger.”

“Be killed in the uprising of my private military force in my post-apocalyptic bunker after they realize the concept of money is null and void and I’m hoarding resources.”

“Heat stroke in March.”

“I don’t have to wait for the future—I’m actually dying in a wildfire right now!”

“I’m not greedy. I’ll take any death I can get.”

“Going outside to fetch the newspaper without sunscreen.”

“Screaming ‘This is all the fault of trans weightlifters’ while getting carried away in a mudslide.”

“I will be the one killing, not dying.”

“Falling down the stairs and breaking my neck on my very first night in the bunker.”

“I look up at the sky and say, ‘Snow? It’s snowing in September?’ and then a big chunk of hail flies straight down my throat and I asphyxiate.”

“Oh, don’t worry. My kind aren’t going away.”

“Well, you know, they say you die twice. Once, when you actually die from drowning in a flood, and the second time, when someone says your name for the last time because all of them also drowned in a flood.”

“Oh, I don’t know yet, but some kind of domestic terrorism, I bet!”

“In a wildfire peacefully surrounded by loved ones.”

“I would like to die in a space shuttle explosion while trying to escape a dying Earth, please.”

“It’s gotta be one of the more painful pollution-driven cancers.”