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Tag: The Onion
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Trump Could Lose Control Of Trump Tower After Fraud Ruling
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Donald Trump could be at risk of losing control of his New York business properties, including Trump Tower, after a judge found that the former president and his company liable for fraud. What do you think?
“It should be returned to whomever he stole it from.”
Emery Dawson, Unemployed
“I hope it passes to a more honest Manhattan real estate developer.”
Megan Starner, Smoke Alarm Inspector
“He can still put his name in giant golden letters on a sensible townhome.”
Salvador Ocampo, Paternity Delegator
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Senator Dianne Feinstein, Trailblazer In Being Old, Dead At 90
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WASHINGTON—Having been alive as far back as 1933, Sen. Dianne Feinstein of California, a trailblazer in being old, died Thursday night at age 90. “Sen. Feinstein, born Dianne Goldman, started off young but through hard work and dedication rose through the ranks to become very, very old,” said the late Democrat’s chief of staff, James Sauls, who in prepared remarks to reporters cited Feinstein’s many career highlights, such as turning 88 years old in 2021, turning 89 years old in 2022, and, just this year, turning 90. “Her remarkable persistence as the oldest sitting U.S. senator made her a role model to nonagenarians everywhere. Across the nation tonight, little girls will find inspiration in her story, knowing that they, too, can one day grow up to be incredibly old.” Sauls added that while Feinstein did not fulfill her longtime goal of clinging to power in the Senate as long as her late mentor in aging, the 100-year-old Strom Thurmond, she nonetheless spent her final years shattering expectations for what an unbelievably infirm and exhausted person can and should do.
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Dogs React To Commander Biden Biting Another Secret Service Officer
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Following the 11th instance in which President Joe Biden’s younger dog nipped at member of the federal law enforcement agency, The Onion asked dogs what they thought about Commander Biden biting another Secret Service officer, and this is what they said.
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Ford’s Theatre Tickets For Night Of Lincoln’s Murder Sell At Auction For $262,500
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A pair of front-row balcony tickets to Ford’s Theatre on April 14, 1865—the night President Abraham Lincoln was assassinated by John Wilkes Booth—sold at auction for $262,500. What do you think?
“I’ll just wait for the movie version.”
Troy Wheelock, Systems Analyst
“Looks like Lincoln’s assassination wasn’t all for naught.”
Javier Barclay, Shovel Engineer
“Most theaters don’t let you go in if you’re over 150 years late.”
Helen Zeleniak, Pill Splitter
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Why More Americans Are Putting Off Having Kids
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Career ostensibly going to start taking off any day now.
Family members haven’t asked enough times yet.
Saving up for larger child.
Men finally getting hang of pulling out.
Desire to maintain current four-hours-of-sleep lifestyle.
Adults being more realistic about whether their genes worth passing on.
Seems pretty played out at this point.
Cuts in sex ed resulting in more couples being completely unaware of how to conceive.
Holding out for Sean to leave wife like he promised.
Want to figure out what happened to the last few first.
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Experience A Slice Of The Circle Of Life!
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This three-bed, two-bath early ’70s split-level ranch has witnessed eight births and three deaths over two generations. Perfect for the misanthrope who desires a tangential connection to humanity.
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Republicans Slam Senate Dress Code Changes
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Republicans are denouncing Majority Leader Chuck Schumer’s decision to loosen the Senate’s informal dress code, claiming that allowing casual clothing on the Senate floor disrespects the institution they serve. What do you think?
“Once again, Republicans have their finger on the pulse of what’s most important to the American people.”
Isabella Baucom, Recycling Sorter
“Agreed. Expanding childhood poverty requires at least cocktail attire.”
Tom Morgan, Document Burner
“You can just tell when a law was written by a slob.”
James Stoller, Systems Analyst
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Smiling Dad Imagines Son Off At College Playing Video Games Alone Like He Did
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NEW BRUNSWICK, NJ—A pleasant, faraway expression overcoming his face, local father Matthew Worley reportedly smiled Friday as he imagined his 18-year-old son Mason off at college playing video games alone just like he did when he was in school. “He’s probably in his dorm right now as we speak, locking the door to his room to shut out all his peers and firing up the PS4,” said Worley, who was awash in nostalgia as he pictured his son sitting before the console on the unswept dormitory room floor in a makeshift nest of dirty sheets and blankets. “I can see him now, sitting there in complete darkness. Kid will probably be up all night, if you know what I mean, playing Baldur’s Gate 3 until the crack of dawn. I remember those days, staying up late playing Golden Axe on the Sega Genesis, nobody ever knocking on my door, crying a little bit. Guess the apple doesn’t fall so far from the tree, does it?” At press time, Worley added that if his son was really like him, he’d be kicked out in a few months after becoming depressed, addicted to gaming, and failing all of his classes.
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Lauren Boebert Offers To Personally Jerk Off Any Constituents She Offended
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WASHINGTON—In an effort to address voters hurt by recent actions that resulted in her being thrown out of a theatrical performance, Rep. Lauren Boebert (R-CO) announced Friday that she would personally jerk off any constituents she offended. “In the past week, I’ve heard from many supporters who were concerned by my behavior in recently released footage, which is why I’m offering to make things good between us by jacking you off,” said Boebert, instructing supporters to contact her office with proof of Colorado residency and she would personally travel to their home to deliver an on-the-house tugjob. “As a disclaimer, I will be wearing a latex glove and you need to wipe yourself off afterwards. I’m not going to do that. I’m serious about making amends, however, so feel free to rest your hand on my breasts, if necessary. Just know that this a one week only deal. So get in touch soon.” At press time, Boebert also warned her constituents that she planned to vape the entire time.
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Man Who Inspired ‘Sound Of Freedom’ Accused Of Sexual Misconduct By 7 Women
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The man whose life inspired the film Sound Of Freedom about fighting child sex trafficking has reportedly stepped away from his watchdog organization after an internal investigation into sexual misconduct allegations brought by seven women. What do you think?
“Oh, so being anti-child trafficking isn’t good enough? Now he has to be against every form of sex crime?”
Kyle McEnerney, Jetpack Engineer
“If that were true, I’m sure it would’ve been in the movie.”
Cathy Scollins, Truce Coordinator
“I highly doubt he’d do that after all those fictional children he saved.”
Stan Moskowitz, Currency Designer
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Elizabeth Holmes And ‘Real Housewives’ Star Jen Shah Have ‘Bonded’ In Prison
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Theranos founder Elizabeth Holmes has reportedly made friends with ex-Real Housewives Of Salt Lake City Star Jen Shah in prison, with Shah’s reps claiming “they’re both rehabilitating and have bonded over being on this journey of positive change.” What do you think?
“Bad move. You’re supposed to beat down the first Real Housewife you see.”
Mira Stanton, Freelance Affixer
“Aw, prison sounds nice.”
Bryce Shapiro, Pet Clothier
“Just tell me what channel it’s on.”
Newel Mishra, Systems Analyst
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F-35 Stealth Jet Reported Missing After Pilot Ejects During ‘Mishap’
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U.S. military officials found the crash site of an F-35 jet that went missing after a “mishap” caused its pilot to eject from the stealth aircraft, prompting the base to post on social media and ask anyone with information to call in. What do you think?
“We can’t let our enemies know we’ve discovered flight.”
Heather Anzola, Pedicab Driver
“This is why you should always take a picture of where you eject from your plane.”
Roman Latner, Tribute Organizer
“It’s scary to think that was just out there not killing anybody.”
Gordon Barberena, Table Setter
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Men’s Rights Activists Defend Russell Brand
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“Okay, so I’m going to say, ‘Where’s the evidence,’ and then you’re going to present some evidence, and then I’m going to say, ‘Innocent until proven guilty!’ and then you’re going to explain that only applies directly to criminal trials, and then I’m just going to make a violent threat against you.”
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Ivy League Graduate Risks It All For Love Of Consulting
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CAMBRIDGE, MA—Admitting that he was taking a huge gamble by pursuing his passion over more traditional routes, recent Harvard University graduate Philippe Durand told reporters Monday that he was risking it all for his love of consulting. “Working at McKinsey & Company might raise some eyebrows among my family come Thanksgiving, but if I don’t follow my dream to help corporations find management solutions, I might regret it for the rest of my life,” said Durand, who noted that after graduating cum laude from the prestigious university, he could have opted for a more accepted path, but ultimately knew that it was his calling to help companies eliminate inefficiencies and meet quarterly revenue goals. “My parents are both lawyers, so they think moving to New York and trying to cut it as a management consultant is crazy. But I’ve always had this secret passion for identifying redundancies and recommending which underperforming business units to terminate. It’s who I am. It’s the air I breathe. So this isn’t just some silly pipe dream. In my mind, it’s consulting or die.” Durand rushed to add that if things didn’t work out, he could always just become a doctor.
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Hunter Biden Indicted On Federal Gun Charges
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President Joe Biden’s son Hunter Biden has been indicted by special counsel David Weiss on felony gun charges, with two counts related to false statements in purchasing the firearm and a third count on illegally obtaining a firearm while addicted to drugs. What do you think?
“Maybe there’s one exception to my Second Amendment absolutism.”
Dennis Meier, Unemployed
“It’s shocking there were any gun laws left to charge him with.”
Lawrence Cassidy, Tantric Masseuse
“We never hear embarrassing stories like this about Beau.”
Christina Tuzco, Freelance Antagonist
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‘A Clue!’ Exclaims Kevin McCarthy After Finding Footprints That Match Biden’s Shoes
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WASHINGTON—Crouching down with a large magnifying glass to his eye, House Speaker Kevin McCarthy reportedly exclaimed, “A clue!” Friday after finding footprints on the House floor matching President Joe Biden’s shoes. “I say, this footprint appears to be identical to the ones found in the Oval Office, leading me to deduce they can only belong to one man,” said McCarthy, donning a houndstooth deerstalker hat and motioning to his sidekick to follow closely behind as he traced the footprints into the shadows of the U.S. Capitol. “Look there, my good man, the interloper has led us to the statuary but then appears to have disappeared into the gardens. We may need to fetch the bloodhound lest the trail turn cold. I say, Gaetz, I have a hunch that pursuing this lead will have us wrapping up this impeachment inquiry in no time at all.” At press time, a candle-holding McCarthy let out a scream after he and Rep. Marjorie Taylor Greene bumped into one another while both inching backwards through a dark and mysterious Capitol hallway.
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Bill Maher Returns To Show Over Fears Aging Fan Base Will Die Off Before Writers’ Strike Ends
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LOS ANGELES—In a controversial move earning him the ire of the Writers Guild of America, television host Bill Maher confirmed this week that he would cross picket lines to put his show Real Time back on the air, citing concerns his aging fan base would die off before the writers’ strike ended. “Look, the fact is, we have no idea how long this thing could go on, and the people who actually enjoy my show are dying off by the day,” said the comedian and WGA member, explaining that his producers had shown him a series of actuarial charts and warned that his show would need a ratings bump this fall before his remaining viewers began to enter hospice. “I wish I could help out the writers, but my captive audience of people who are literally too old and infirm to change the channel when Real Time With Bill Maher comes on is not long for this world.” According to recent Nielsen ratings, the majority of households tuning into Real Time are occupied by individuals whose in-home caregivers have not yet entered the room to discover they are dead.
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