WASHINGTON—With the passage of a landmark bill that received widespread bipartisan support in Congress and was immediately signed into law by President Biden, a new federal statute requires anyone who publicly announces their need to take a piss to register as a sex offender. “Those who loudly declare to people around them that they are going to ‘take a leak’ will now be charged with a class A misdemeanor and added to their state’s sex offender registry,” said Rep. Tom Cole (R-OK), a co-sponsor of the bill, who explained that announcing one’s plan to “empty the bladder” or referring to one’s genitals as a lizard that must be drained would result in a maximum fine of $100,000 and up to a year in jail. “Whether you are in a restaurant, bar, or other public area, proclaiming that you need to see a man about a horse is illegal and requires the offender to register annually in person with local authorities for the next five years. In addition, perpetrators found guilty of verbalizing their intention to shake the dew off the lily, whiz like a racehorse, or siphon the python must inform their neighbors of their status as a sex criminal and stay at least 500 feet away from any public toilet.” Cole added that the new law was in line with a current statute that imposes a 20-year prison sentence on anyone who tells others, without their consent, that they are going to “drop the kids off at the pool” or “let loose a deuce from the ol’ caboose.”
No One Wanted To Adopt This Poor Dog Because He Was A Registered Sex Offender, But He Found A Home With Me
According to a new indictment, embattled Rep. George Santos (R-NY) stole the identities of campaign donors and used their credit cards to ring up tens of thousands of dollars in unauthorized charges. What do you think?
“Stealing from wealthy Republican donors is actually pretty progressive of him.”
Jake Hobbs • Code Developer
This Week’s Most Viral News: October 13, 2023
“I always assume every politician I donate to owns me from then on.”
LOS ANGELES—Sharing the exciting personal development with new maternity photos, actor and talk show host Jada Pinkett Smith announced Friday she was pregnant with actor and comedian Chris Rock’s baby. “Chris and I are so overjoyed to be welcoming a new bundle of joy into this world, as we’ve been trying for a long time,” said Pinkett Smith, revealing how the two actors had been flirtatious since starring in the animated film Madagascar and had finally slept together the night of her husband Will Smith’s infamous slap. “When I saw Christ humiliated and broken after he had been slapped across the face, that’s when I knew I wanted to give into this sexual tension that had been building for so long. We’ve been dating ever since, and we just recently moved in together. Of course people out there are going to assume Will would be upset, but he’s actually been our biggest supporter.” At press time, Pinkett Smith announced she would be naming her baby Tupac.
GAZA CITY, GAZA—The complicity of each and every Palestinian in the violent actions of their militant ruling authority was reportedly on full display Friday morning when dying Gazans received justified criticism for not using their last words to condemn Hamas. For example, instead of issuing a full-throated denunciation of the violent attacks by Hamas that have left over 1,300 Israelis dead, one dying woman holding her 6-year-old son who had just been killed in a bombing is said to have doubled down by telling her child she loved him. According to reports, such barbarism on the part of Palestinians was on full display across the Gaza Strip, where many men of fighting age could not muster a single world of reproof for Hamas’ actions while they coughed up blood. In war-ravaged Gaza City, a dying reporter was heard blatantly begging for help instead of labeling Hamas a terrorist organization. At press time, the Israeli Defense Forces Twitter account underscored the massive surge of contempt they were contending with by posting a video that featured the shocking savagery of a Palestinian corpse that refused to condemn Hamas even when kicked.
Holocaust Deniers Explain Why They Deny The Holocaust
The past week has shown humanity at its worst: A horrific terrorist attack left at least 1,300 Israelis dead, among them peace activists and even innocent children. The fates of many more kidnapped civilians still lie in the balance. Meanwhile, statements from Prime Minister Benjamin Netanyahu suggest retaliation against Palestinians in Gaza will be swift and merciless. More than 1,500 Gazans are already dead, and 338,000 others have been displaced. In moments of turmoil such as this, some believe it is the responsibility of a newspaper of record like The Onion to delve fully into the nuances of a complex and multifaceted conflict that stretches back not just decades but centuries. These people are wrong.
Police Officers Explain Why They Are Resigning En Masse
Instead, this editorial board wishes to take this opportunity to declare its full and unequivocal support for Israel because, frankly, it seems like you get in way less trouble for that.
Let us be clear: This is a fraught moment, and one that has polarized not only Americans but people all over the world. It demands incredible sensitivity and strict adherence to journalistic standards of objectivity, and simply put, that is something we aren’t willing to do. Rather, we’re just going to say The Onion expresses its steadfast solidarity with Israel and leave it at that.
Why? First, because this editorial board doesn’t like getting yelled at. Second, there are going to be way fewer people with way less power mad at us. We don’t want to go up against the entire U.S. government, which through President Biden has expressed its unwavering support for Israel. Finally, and more importantly, it’s because we don’t want to and you can’t make us. You can’t. You seriously can’t. You cannot make us do all of this hard stuff. Ever. Seriously.
Furthermore, we should remember that unpacking this conflict in an adequately thorough manner would require examining it through a diverse range of lenses such as antisemitism, Islamic fundamentalism, the Holocaust, imperialism, contact theory, and many more, all while keeping in mind valid but competing narratives of victimhood that span hundreds of years. And we sure as hell aren’t going to mention apartheid. That sounds like an enormous headache. Even worse, our reward for that would be mobs of people screaming at us online. Why would we do that?
Alternatively, we could simply say, “Israel must be fully supported in its military campaign to root out evil in all of its hiding places.” That 19-word sentence would save us the trouble of engaging with this difficult situation. So we’re going to go with that one.
Does that make sense? We think it does.
Our stance becomes increasingly compelling when one considers some alternative scenarios. For instance, The Onion could theoretically say that it stands in solidarity with the bombing victims in Gaza. What would happen then? People would get mad at us. They could threaten our careers. How about if we said we believe the loss of innocent life is wrong no matter what the nationality? That would also result in people getting mad at us. Sometimes these would be different people getting mad, but that doesn’t really change things on our end. And most significantly, it could hurt our quarterly revenue, which is the worst tragedy imaginable.
For those reasons, and many more, we are not going to be endorsing any of those perspectives. Instead, the stance of standing unwaveringly with Israel, now and forever, seems to really be the sweet spot for those looking to avoid dealing with all of this shit.
“What of the tens of thousands of Palestinian civilians killed before this attack?” some may ask. Our response is simply that we aren’t going to engage with that because it would be too hard. We also won’t be addressing Palestinians living in refugee camps without access to clean water, electricity, or housing. Others may ask, “Isn’t it your responsibility to provide context, particularly on thorny issues such as this one?” To that, we merely say: No, shut up. You’re being annoying.
Perhaps some would call on us to point out the obvious moral hypocrisy of those far-left Americans who bandy about terms like “war criminal” while turning a blind eye to what amounts to an unconscionable war crime on the part of Hamas. But we are also not going to do that. Why? Because people will get angry with us—extremely irritating people, to be clear—and we just don’t want to deal with it. We have enough going on without them getting on our case. The water main broke in our office last Friday and dealing with the super has been a whole thing. He keeps avoiding our calls because obviously he’s going to have to eat the cost of the sump pump. There’s also a bunch of ad sales stuff that we’re negotiating with the business side. So why would we add defending ourselves against online criticism over one of the most incendiary topics in human history to the list of headaches we’re already dealing with? Why?
The answer is that we won’t.
Some may call us cowards for our decision. To this, we can only say the following: If a coward is a person who avoids taking a difficult stance on topics for personal expediency, then “coward” is a badge this editorial board will gladly wear, again and again and again.
Arkansas governor Sarah Huckabee Sanders is facing criticism after a public records request revealed that her office bought a lectern for $19,000, and a whistleblower accused them of altering records to cover up the spending. What do you think?
“If she’s going to lie, she might as well do it from behind a stylish lectern.”
Linda Kaufman • Rhetorical Engineer
This Week’s Most Viral News: September 1, 2023
“This is money that could have gone toward jailing abortion doctors.”
Jeffrey Cuyson • Systems Analyst
“You’d think she of all people would know that you can force a child to build you one for way less.”
NEW YORK—Claiming that the humanizing of occupied peoples is not what the newspaper stands for, The New York Times issued an apology Tuesday for reporting on Palestinian deaths. “Our thoughtful and accurate coverage of the Palestinian death toll in no way met our editorial standards for obfuscation, and for that we sincerely apologize,” said executive editor Joseph Kahn, explaining that the article marked the first such mention of Palestinian suffering in the Times’ 172-year history, and it would certainly be the last. “Rest assured, the individual responsible for bringing to light the atrocities perpetrated on the Palestinian people has already been terminated. We will use this as a teachable moment and redouble our efforts to conceal the anguish of all marginalized and oppressed peoples going forward.” At press time, the Times issued a retraction for incorrectly identifying Palestinians as “human beings.”
CHICAGO—Speaking over the terminal’s intercom in preparation for an evening flight to Boston, Delta Air Lines agent Sarah Epstein reportedly called Monday for all dipshit passengers to stand up and mill around in front of the gate before their turn to board. “Anyone who is a fucking moron and can’t understand simple instructions, please get up, walk over to the gate for no reason, and just get in everyone’s way,” said Epstein, who repeated herself so that any dumbass passengers whose zones had not been called would know it was still nonetheless their turn to bumble around by the gate with their mouths agape, bumping into other people and holding up the entire process. “Any fucknuts out there in the military or shitheads with children, you can come up here now and waste everyone’s time, too. To be clear, this is not because you’re going to get on the plane now. It’s just because, I don’t know, you’re too impatient and dim-witted to wait a couple fucking minutes. If you’re not an asshole, however, please remain seated.” Epstein also requested that any imbeciles out there with extra bags prepare in advance their excuses for why they’re attempting to bring multiple carry-ons aboard even though that is clearly prohibited.
“Right now it’s illegal for me to take clippings from the protected Mexican wildlife, but if I enlisted, passed boot camp in record time, was immediately deployed to the front lines, somehow survived, and went AWOL, I could probably sneak a few rare varieties of saguaro back, which would finally impress the other guys in my local cactus-growing group.”
A plague of bedbugs has hit Paris and other French cities, provoking a wave of insectophobia and raising questions about health and safety during next year’s Olympic Games. What do you think?
“The Olympics were never supposed to be easy.”
Lonna Kedzior • Balcony Designer
This Week’s Most Viral News: October 6, 2023
“Ah, bedbugs, the most romantic of all infestations.”
Kenneth Toumi • Genetic Therapist
“Insect tourism has completely destroyed Paris’ local charm.”
WASHINGTON—Spreading the word ahead of time so that Americans wouldn’t be caught off guard, President Joe Biden announced that all of the nation’s vibrators would buzz at 2 p.m. today in a test of the Emergency Stimulation Program. “This routine test of the ESP will be automatically directed to every consumer vibrator in the country, which will simultaneously begin to emit quivering pulses until the stimulation drill is over,” said the commander in chief, noting that citizens should turn off any wands, plugs, bullets, or other electric dildos ahead of the test if they didn’t plan on becoming aroused at that time. “Remember, it’s only a test, so you will not be required to climax at this time. This is merely a safeguard to ensure the federal government can reach your erogenous zones if we ever need to quickly and effectively get you all off. We just want to be prepared in case, God forbid, one of our foreign adversaries ever threatens to make you come harder than we do.” The White House later released an Emergency Stimulation Program fact sheet detailing the creation of the national network of sexual pleasure devices during the Cold War, when the country was in a heated race with the Soviet Union to develop the world’s first military-grade fuck machine.
HOUSTON—In what many were calling the most exciting day of the whole school year, a group of Texas fifth-graders reportedly spent their science class Wednesday executing real-life inmates. “It was so cool! We each got to put on rubber gloves, strap our guy to the chair, and then inject him with a lethal dose of potassium chloride,” said Anthony Hernandez, a student at Oak Canyon Elementary School, adding that he and his lab partner had a blast, despite the fact that they made a real mess of their 46-year-old convicted felon while they were trying to find his jugular vein. “Some of my friends got pretty squeamish, but I loved that it took an hour for mine to die. Plus, for the ones where the drugs didn’t take, our teacher gave us guns and we got to do a firing squad. It was awesome.” At press time, the class could be heard screaming after one of the students discovered that the death row inmate she’d just killed was pregnant.
More than 25 years after the killing of Tupac Shakur, a self-described gang member who has repeatedly proclaimed that he participated in the drive-by shooting of the rapper has been indicted on a murder charge. What do you think?
“Indicting the killer won’t bring Tupac’s Coachella hologram back.”
Joseph Kaji, Snake Milker
This Week’s Most Viral News: September 29, 2023
“Finally, the closure that will hopefully let Tupac get on with his life.”
Desmond Worthington, Unemployed
“This is the perfect time to cash in on ’90s murder nostalgia.”
Attendees at Trump’s autoworkers rally outside Detroit reportedly confessed to journalists that they were not union autoworkers, despite the signs they were holding saying “Autoworkers For Trump.” What do you think?
“If Trump were still president, those jobs and unions would be real.”
Vivian Heitman, Sleepover Chaperone
NYPD Arrests Trump After Routine Stop-And-Frisk Turns Up Unlicensed Handgun, 400 Mg Of Ketamine
“Even better. It’s time we have a president that supports real and fake jobs.”
Scott Cummings, Dirigible Pilot
“Who’s to say these people haven’t worked on a car at least once in their lives.”
