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The nation enjoyed its most frightening holiday on Tuesday with trick-or-treating, horror films, and costume parties. How did you celebrate Halloween?
“I checked the perimeter traps.”
Elijah Neufeld, Noise Identifier
“I went to church for 72 hours until the danger passed.”
Paula Villagracia, Placard Designer
“I screamed silently in horror as the flame burned my insides.”
Jack-O’-Lantern, Unemployed
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“I haven’t gotten to experience a world war since my boyhood.”
“I lament even those momentary pauses in violence when IDF soldiers have to stop shooting to reload.”
“A ceasefire would send the message to Palestinians that we give a shit whether they live or die.”
“I have a perfect record when it comes to ethnic cleansing, and I’m not about to tarnish that now.”
“Well-behaved missiles seldom make history.”
“Last I checked, there were still some Palestinian civilians left.”
“An open-air prison actually sounds nice. What do I look like, some kind of abolitionist?”
“That would stop the genocidal momentum the IDF has built.”
“Because I’m making money off this. What don’t you understand?”
“Shhh, keep your voice down. Saying that word in Texas is illegal.”
“The people of Gaza are free to start making campaign donations whenever they please.”
“Poked myself in the eye with a kebab skewer. Now all must pay.”
“Based on the last election, I figure my presidential campaign can only be helped by the absence of a strong stance on anything.”
“Ugh, just come back to bed. Can’t we go one night without getting into a screaming match?”
“When you become a U.S. senator, they tell you that you’ll be legally castrated if you ever try to stop any wars.”
“I mean, if it were up to me, they’d be air-striking the shit out of the continental U.S. as well.”
“That’s actually a good idea. If we can trick the Palestinians into thinking we’re not going to fire anymore, they’ll be easier to shoot!”
“The Consumer Financial Protection Bureau would never allow the U.S. to finance the Israeli military if it wasn’t perfectly safe.”
“I don’t want to lose my widespread appeal among moderates.”
“I support firing both missiles and a message of love at Palestine.”
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Former U.S. Vice President Mike Pence ended his cash-strapped presidential campaign after struggling for months to convince Republican voters he was the best alternative to the man he once served with unswerving loyalty, Donald Trump. What do you think?
“I guess not being liked by anyone didn’t work out as he planned.”
Christian Gaudette, Distance Estimator
“Who can I turn to now if I love Trump’s policies but hate his popularity?”
Erin Rios, Funeral Bouncer
“His voter will be so disappointed.”
Cameron Finney, Unemployed
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Fox News host Sean Hannity used the devastating Lewiston shooting to bring up his own “personal security plan” that involves using his mixed martial arts training to protect himself during a mass shooting. What do you think?
“Smart. A mass shooter would surely take pity after seeing something that pathetic.”
Maggie Ramirez, Swingers Advocate
“It takes a true independent thinker like Hannity to come up with an idea like punching someone.”
Tom Gomez, Scent Investigator
“I could totally see him choking out a bullet.”
Dylan Pino, Unemployed
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“Our two-party system of government works best when one party accepts election results and the other doesn’t.”
“Lord knows I’ve been asking my colleagues to overlook some shit.”
“Why would I abandon the strategy that got me this far?”
“As the representative of a grossly gerrymandered district, I kind of forgot elections were a thing.”
“It seems like he never recovered from his parents’ divorce, so I thought the speakership might cheer him up.”
“That’s not fair. A lot of my colleagues voted for me because of how much I hate gays.”
“If America didn’t want us empowering election deniers they would have voted the right way and not forced our hand.”
“Because I’m going to be raking in seven figures lobbying for Wal-Mart by next year so who gives a fuck.”
“Anything’s better than that cuck Paul Gosar taking charge.”
“He said I could use the speaker’s office when he goes home for the night.”
“He had the little ‘R’ next to his name.”
“How are we supposed to deny the results of the next election if we don’t have a speaker?”
“My entire existence is centered around not making Donald Trump mad.”
“We need to make Mr. Trump feel good. I mean, look at him: He’s mad all the time. Like, all the time! Don’t you just want to do something nice for a big ol’ grinch like that?”
“The beautiful thing about elections is that they’re subjective, like a work of art. They’re not determined by who had the most votes, but by which candidate spoke most eloquently to your heart.”
“At the end of the day, we all just want what’s best for our wealthiest constituents.”
“Because we’re laying groundwork to steal the next election. Was that not clear?”
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ARLINGTON, TX—When asked about whether he was looking forward to his team’s upcoming World Series matchup against the Texas Rangers, Arizona Diamondbacks owner Ken Kendrick admitted to reporters Friday that nothing would ever top his team beating the New York Yankees right after 9/11. “Sure, winning another World Series would be nice, but it won’t hold a candle to winning against that post-9/11 Yankees team that for once had all of America behind them,” said Kendrick, adding that he would never forget the looks on the faces of New Yorkers who were searching for something hopeful in the aftermath of the terrorist attacks on the World Trade Center and had those hopes dashed completely. “Honestly, not making it to the World Series for over 20 years has been absolutely worth the wait, given how we took the wind right out of their sails. They had the president come throw out the first pitch and had all this patriotic support because people felt bad for New York for once, and our team went out there and basically stomped on the heart of America. It was the one time people would have been okay with the Yankees winning, and we didn’t let them. When Luis Gonzalez hit that bloop single to win Game 7 in a walk-off and we prevented the nation from healing from 9/11 in some small way, well, that’s a feeling that no World Series will likely ever eclipse.” Kendrick added that beating the Yankees after 9/11 gave him all the satisfaction he needs in a lifetime, and so he doesn’t give a shit whether or not the Diamondbacks win this World Series.
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After struggling to coalesce around a new House speaker for more than three weeks following the ouster of Kevin McCarthy, Republicans have confirmed Mike Johnson of Louisiana in the role. The Onion looks at the key moments of the GOP speakership debacle.
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WASHINGTON—Explaining why the United States would not call on Israel to end its continuous airstrikes on Palestinian civilians, the White House warned Wednesday that a ceasefire in Gaza would only serve to benefit humanity. “We know there are voices across the world calling for a ceasefire, but what everyone needs to understand is that the only people who stand to gain from halting the bombing campaign are people who deeply value human life,” President Biden said in an Oval Office address, adding that if Israel was not given time to collectively punish all 2.3 million people who live in Gaza, it would be a great victory for anyone who believes civilians are entitled to basic dignity and security for themselves and their families. “We cannot allow that happen. These humanitarian concerns may be valid, but right now, a pause in hostilities would advance the interests of no one but innocent Palestinians, the many U.S. citizens living in Gaza, and the more than 200 Israelis who were violently abducted by Hamas and are currently being held in unknown locations. That’s not what America stands for.” Biden later extended the argument to explain why the United States spent billions on military aid for Israel while it spent mere millions on humanitarian aid for Gaza.
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Meta has apologized after inserting the word “terrorist” into the profile bios of some Palestinian Instagram users, in what the company says was a bug in auto-translation. What do you think?
“An insult to all of us who worked hard to earn a verified terrorist badge through the proper channels.”
Shawna Dorwart, Consultant Coach
“But those users don’t have to apologize for being Palestinian?”
Cody Blanchard, Bematist
“It’s fascinating how auto-translation bugs can sometimes mirror the exact sentiments of the people in charge of them.”
Jemille Zeller, Unemployed
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In a controversial opinion piece penned for The New York Times, acclaimed film director Martin Scorcese argued that Marvel movies cannot be classified as cinema. The Onion asked fans of the action movie franchise what they thought of Scorcese’s latest film, Killers Of The Flower Moon, and this is what they said.
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A Polish-Canadian man has been convicted for projecting “Ann [sic] Frank invented the ballpoint pen” onto the Anne Frank House museum, the message alluding to an antisemitic conspiracy theory that the famed diary was a forgery. What do you think?
“Thank god she wasn’t home to see that.”
Greg Paduri, City Tosher
“Finally, someone with the balls to take down Anne Frank.”
Xavier Santerre, Unemployed
“Maybe he got the wrong house.”
Shelby Collins, Aspiring Conservationist
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LOS ANGELES—Explaining that their close bond as siblings had led them to occasionally experiment and play pranks, the Jonas brothers revealed to reporters Friday that they sometimes try to secretly trade places like identical twins, except everyone notices. “Sometimes I’ll show up to a gathering with friends and family and pretend that I’m Kevin to see if anyone can tell the difference, and they always see through it immediately and beg us to stop,” said Nick Jonas, adding that almost everyone in their lives found the brothers’ practice irritating but that they can’t bring themselves to stop trying in case someday it works. “We don’t do anything to change our appearance because we’re brothers, which is kind of like twins, in that some brothers are twins, except not all brothers are twins, but in any event, we’re hurting all of our loved ones by continuing to perpetuate these antics. Honestly, we’re pretty sure that Joe’s marriage failed because I kept showing up to dinner with Sophie [Turner] and their kids, trying to romance her and demanding that their confused children call me Dad, and his whole family obviously found it awful to deal with. Still, though, we had fun, because at the same time, Joe was pretending to be Kevin and causing a fight with our parents, who have always discouraged us from pretending to be each other, while Frankie was pretending to be me and really pissing off my agent at a meeting. Someday it will work, though, so we have to keep trying.” At press time, Nick Jonas attempted to conclude the interview by telling reporters that he was actually Kevin Jonas, which caused them to sigh in disgust.
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The water level at a major river port in Brazil’s Amazon rainforest has hit its lowest point in at least 121 years, as a historic drought upends the lives of hundreds of thousands of people and damages the jungle ecosystem. What do you think?
“I’m glad I bought that CD of relaxing Amazon river sounds when I did.”
Debra Martin, Escalator Operator
“‘Amazon Valley’ has a nice ring to it.”
Kirk Andrada, Satchel Designer
“If we keep using the term historic to describe all these disasters then the word will lose all meaning.”
Bailey Clark, Systems Analyst
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MENLO PARK, CA—In an effort to improve user experience, Meta announced Thursday that the next update of Instagram would include helpful labels indicating the point at which a girlfriend stops appearing in the posts of a given account holder. “Starting today, some Instagram users will notice a beta rollout of this new feature, which will appear as a thick black line demarcating the date beyond which a person’s girlfriend is no longer pictured,” said Meta representative Hailey Coogan, noting that all 2.5 billion active users of the social media app would be barred from opting out of the feature. “Our goal is to streamline the primary activity people engage in when they visit Instagram. In addition, we hope to cut down on users accidentally liking posts from five years ago when they are scrutinizing every photo in an account to figure out if someone was single at a particular time.” Asked why Instagram did not simply add a place to indicate relationship status in one’s profile, Coogan acknowledged this would result in people spending no more than a few seconds at a time on the app.
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ATLANTA—Providing a sense of hope about the gun violence epidemic, the Centers for Disease Control and Prevention released a new study Wednesday that found there were still a bunch of kids in the United States who had not been shot yet. “We reviewed the data, and yeah, it turns out there’s a ton of kids who’ve never had a single bullet wound,” said CDC director Mandy Cohen, who breathed a sigh of relief at a press conference as she shared the encouraging news with reporters. “Pretty great, huh? Yeah, I was surprised too, but there are children all over this country who have never experienced the sensation of being shot with a firearm. Ideally, no kids would be shot, but it’s important to look on the bright side of the data. Plenty of young people haven’t even been grazed yet.” Cohen added that, for the time being, there were still some American children out there who hadn’t so much as witnessed a shooting.
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U.S. pharmacy chain Rite Aid Corp. filed for bankruptcy in an effort to close unprofitable stores, address lawsuits over its role in the opioid pandemic, and rework a debt load of roughly $4 billion. What do you think?
“The true victims of the opioid epidemic are finally coming to light.”
Camilla Danner, Relationship Mediator
“I’d be happy to take some of those pills off their hands if they need to make a quick buck.”
Alfred Moros, Gandy Dancer
“Will they still honor my prescription for 500,000 oxy tablets?”
Santos Turner, Gift Wrapper
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