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Tag: The Onion
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Israel Assures It Doing Everything Possible To Minimize Civilians
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TEL AVIV—Addressing observers concerned about the toll of the nation’s ongoing incursion into Gaza, Israeli officials assured critics Friday that it was doing everything possible to minimize civilians. “To those expressing apprehension about this war, just know that our troops are taking every effort to mitigate civilian life,” said Israeli prime minister Benjamin Netanyahu, explaining that he remained laser-focused on taking the necessary precautions to reduce civilians in Gaza or prevent them entirely. “Let me be clear: Our war is against Hamas. We have explicitly instructed our commanders that they should take pains so there are as few innocent men, women, and children in Gaza as humanly possible.” Netanyahu then added that because of the unfortunate realities of war, it was always sadly possible that a few Gazans might survive.
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Bob Iger’s Most Genius Ideas For Fixing Disney Movies
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After a string of box office flops including The Marvels and Wish, Disney CEO Bob Iger has fully committed himself to revitalizing the studio. As a creative visionary in his own right, Iger has stated he’ll improve Disney movies by doing the following.
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The Onion’s 2023 Holiday Gift Guide
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Eight of the world’s signature flames can be yours with this collector’s set of handcrafted fires made from a variety of flammable materials from around the globe. Includes Zimbabwe thatch hut, old-growth forest, jagged wreckage, Appalachian tinder, residential, chemical plant, Tokyo five-alarm, and sagebrush.
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Every Word Besides ‘Children’ Used To Describe Palestinians Under 18
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The media has been criticized for repeatedly failing to mention children killed in Israeli airstrikes on Gaza. The Onion examines every word used besides “children” to describe Palestinians under 18.
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Third-Party Candidate Promises To Fill Whatever Void Still Left Between Centrist Democrats, Centrist Republicans
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ST. LOUIS—Vowing to provide what could technically be considered an alternative, third-party candidate Patrick Laine promised Monday to fill whatever void was still left between centrist Democrats and centrist Republicans. “Americans deserve choice, which is why I’m running on a platform of whatever extremely narrow ideology sits between moderate Republicans and moderate Democrats,” said Laine, explaining that as president he would find compromise between the extreme centrists on both sides of the aisle. “Whether it’s on issues of immigration, gun rights, or abortion, I promise to find even more milquetoast opinions than anyone else. With so much animosity among centrists of all stripes, I believe people are desperately looking for someone who embodies the tiny sliver of space separating the most middle-of-the-road views.” At press time, Laine was attacked as too radical.
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Americans React To The Death Of Henry Kissinger
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James Kessler, Psychologist
“Look, being nice in life won’t get you a Nobel Peace Prize.”
Sharon Thatcher, Teacher
“He wasn’t just a war criminal, he was our war criminal.”
Whitney Plainfield, Administrative Assistant
“He would have hated to see anyone die painlessly and peacefully like this.”
Lisa Johnson, Dietician
“I don’t want to diminish his legacy by citing the Cambodian government’s official death toll because I know the real number was much, much worse.”
Gina Garroni, Delivery Driver
“Is that what I ran over last night?”
Christa Deacon, Guidance Counselor
“May he be as bloodthirsty in death as he was in life.”
Melissa Stevens, Mortgage Banker
“Love him or hate him, he’ll always be remembered as the best goddamn contestant Rock Of Love ever saw.”
Dan Potter, Fireman
“I sprayed some agent orange on my kids today in his honor.”
Brook Pratt, Pest Control Worker
“But he still had so many war crimes left in him.”
George W. Bush, Former President
“I remember the first day of my presidency, he was nice enough to send me an unexploded IED.”
Greg Bentley, Graphic Artist
“But he looked so young in ‘Oppenheimer’?”
Al Preston, Copywriter
“If we all close our eyes and say a racial slur at the same time, maybe he’ll come back to life.”
Carter Jacobs, Electrician
“Say what you will about the guy.”
Barack Obama, Former President
“He taught me that war didn’t have to be fair. The most important part was that it was pointless and bloody.”
Tom Buchner, Woodworker
“That’s what he gets for breaking into a house in a state with stand-your-ground laws.”
Alejandro Sotolongo, Art Director
“Let he who has not carpet bombed Cambodia throw the first stone.”
Paul Flannery, Line Cook
“This is just like Paul Walker all over again.”
Lisa Hitchens, File Clerk
“He put Cambodia on the map and almost took it off.”
Dick Cheney, Retired
“Nobody’s perfect, but he came pretty close.”
Dean Verecci, Software Engineer
“Oh thank god, the last war criminal in the American government is finally dead.”
Kevin Spell, Physical Trainer
“It brings a tear to my eye thinking of all the innocent people that will never get to die by his hand.”
Gene Schaefer, Bus Driver
“If you think that man was impressive, you should taste my wife Beth’s homemade potato salad. It’s out of this world!”
Irene Stobbs, Accountant
“Oh no, Paula and Louis’s kid?”
Nick Farrington, Dentist
“I just hope we don’t start tearing down all the Henry Kissinger monuments.”
Jessie Untermeyer, Music Teacher
“I hope he had just as much fun killing all those people as we had watching him kill them.”
George Huntington, Retired
“I’m not going to sugarcoat it—Henry had the mind of a supervillain, the heart of a serial killer, and the elegant gams of a va-va-voom showgirl.”
Bashar al-Assad, President Of Syria
“Game recognizes game.”
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Rep. George Santos Faces Expulsion From Congress
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Rep. George Santos (R-NY) faces a another motion to expel him from Congress this week following a House Ethics Committee report that found “substantial evidence” that he broke federal laws, including deceiving his donors, filing false campaign finance statements, and using campaign funds for personal expenses including travel, Botox, and OnlyFans. What do you think?
“I wish him luck in whatever identity he assumes next.”
Phyllis Sadler, Bell Toller
“I pray the people of New York’s third district will find an equally entertaining replacement.”
Lamar Eriquez, Microfiche Archivist
“It’s only his first term—if we give him a chance, I’m sure he can get better at crime.”
Conrad Campos, Systems Analyst
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Merriam-Webster Names ‘Authentic’ Word Of The Year
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The Merriam-Webster dictionary named the word “authentic” as its 2023 word of the year, with the word being among the year’s most searched and many contrasting its definition with the rise of AI usage in everyday life. What do you think?
“How can we trust a dictionary that picks favorites?”
Georgia Wittich, Digital Foreman
“I knew that word before it got famous.”
Lance Wu, Salt Licker
“I voted for ‘horse.’”
Ned Chase, Unemployed
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Cyber Monday Sales Expected To Hit Record High
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According to a new survey from Deloitte, shoppers plan to spend an average of $567 between Black Friday and Cyber Monday this year, with 40% reporting that they’re hitting the sales to try to get around rising prices. What do you think?
“As long as CVS is open Christmas Eve, I’m set.”
Julius Felker, Dictionary Auditor
“Awesome, I’ve been waiting all year to buy food.”
Mona Davila, Windowsill Botanist
“It’s sad we need a holiday to celebrate mindless consumerism.”
Mitchell Schlosser, Systems Analyst
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How To Eat Healthy In Just 3 Bites
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Eating right is a great way to boost your immune system as well as your mental health, but changing your habits and sticking to a regimen can be daunting. Fortunately, you don’t have to do any of that hard work, if you follow The Onion’s tips for eating healthy in just three bites.
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Study Finds Link Between DNA And Cannabis Addiction
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A study published in Nature Genetics that analyzed the genomes of more than 1 million people found sequences of DNA that could be linked to a disposition to cannabis addiction. What do you think?
“So you’re saying being cool is genetic?”
Judy Robison, Sous Chef
“That’s it, I’m flushing all my DNA down the toilet.”
Wes Konner, Ringtone Composer
“Damn, DNA runs in my family.”
Seth Mendez, Process Auditor
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Tips For Displaying Artwork In Your Home
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Avoid damage from sunlight by hanging paintings facing the wall.
Present a mix of small and large canvases so guests will think you know what you’re doing.
Cheap art can look great as long as you display it in an expensive house.
The one on the left is a little crooked.
Choose a theme for your decorations, such as “cool” or “pretty.”
Create juxtaposition within your collection by asking the ugliest person you know to constantly hold up your best piece.
Think you can handle a measuring tape, tough guy?
If you’re looking to score some free art, most galleries toss all their unused works in the dumpster at the end of the day.
Cut out the middleman by simply displaying cash.
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Area Man Can Only Learn New Things If Encouraged By Promise Of Earning Cartoon Gems
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BOISE, ID—Saying he was unable to grasp a single piece of information otherwise, area man Rob Shipley told reporters Tuesday he could only learn new things if he was encouraged by the promise of receiving cartoon gems for his efforts. “As much as I try, I can’t seem to acquire any new knowledge unless an animated treasure chest opens to present me with a sparkly ruby, sapphire, or emerald for my correct answer,” said Shipley, explaining that for whatever reason, a system of rewards consisting of retro-looking 8-bit coins or vials of magical potions was required for him to begin acquainting himself with a new language, mathematical concept, or historical fact. “If I don’t think that I can use these imaginary jewels to buy power-ups through the in-game store of an educational app, then whatever I hear is in one ear, out the other. And if I get something wrong, I won’t really understand why unless a funny character with a square head looks sad and my treasure vanishes in a puff of cartoon smoke.” At press time, an anthropomorphic alligator awarded Shipley a shimmering diamond for a job well done after he correctly named the year Adolph Hitler was appointed chancellor of Germany.
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