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Tag: The Onion
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Scientists Find Clues About Why More Northern European Descendants Get MS
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Findings from a project comparing modern DNA with samples from ancient human teeth and bones allowed scientists to find disease-linked genes following prehistoric migrations, tracing a path back to the Bronze Age Yamnaya people who probably carried the genetic mutation to protect the nomadic herders from infections carried by their livestock. What do you think?
“Damn. I really wanted to blame my mother’s poor prenatal diet.”
Gavin Perkins, Papal Understudy
“Are we positive ancient people weren’t designing viruses in labs?”
Kara Courtwright, Systems Analyst
“Haven’t Northern Europeans suffered enough?”
Rodney Rabenbauer, Freelance Trucker
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Iowa Blizzard Forces Ron DeSantis, Nikki Haley To Share Hotel Room
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ORILLA, IA—With flights grounded and roads buried under inches of snow, blizzard conditions in Iowa reportedly forced Republican primary opponents Ron DeSantis and Nikki Haley to share a hotel room Friday. “Seriously? There’s not even a sofa?” said Haley, who groaned and returned DeSantis’ brooding scowl with a fiery glare of her own as the pair entered the cramped roadside motel room and surveyed its shabby conditions. “You’re not happy with this? Well, neither am I, Ron DeSantis! Believe me, this is the last place on earth I’d like to be right now! There’s no way in hell I’m sleeping on the floor, so let’s just put a blanket down the middle and agree not to cross that line. Now, I’m going to take a shower. You better not look, or you’re dead!” At press time, reports confirmed the two had locked eyes and shivered after accidentally brushing hands.
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Everything We Know About Elon Musk’s Drug Use
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Elon Musk has once again found himself in hot water after The Wall Street Journal confirmed that the CEO often uses illegal drugs, including cocaine, LSD, magic mushrooms, ecstasy, and ketamine. Here is everything The Onion currently knows about the controversial billionaire’s recreational drug use.
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Nation’s Midsize Cities Announce They Have No Idea Who Their Mayor Is
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OMAHA, NE—Standing tall as they proclaimed their ignorance and confusion, citizens of the nation’s midsize cities announced Thursday that they have no idea who their mayor is. “Let me guess: Is it Pete Buttigieg?” said Kevin Warder, spokesperson for a coalition that represents hopelessly clueless residents of communities with less than 500,000 people, including the cities of Omaha, Cincinnati, Cedar Rapids, Rochester, Durham, and Colorado Springs. “Hmm, I’m not sure. He’s probably white or Black or something. Does he have little glasses, or is that the governor? I thought maybe he was the guy who extended the light rail? Wait, we don’t have a light rail, what am I talking about?” At press time, the residents of midsize cities were reportedly rattled after discovering the existence of a city council.
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Biden Plays Up Wholesomeness By Drawing Freckles On Cheeks With Marker
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WASHINGTON—In an effort to contrast himself with former President Donald Trump ahead of the 2024 election, President Joe Biden reportedly played up his wholesomeness Wednesday by drawing freckles on his cheeks with a marker. “Why, hello, everybody—my name is Joey Biden,” the president said in an address from the White House in which he attempted to court voters by standing before the cameras with his head tilted and his hands clasped innocently behind his back. “Aren’t I just cute as a button? I’m wearing new overalls. They’re a bit big, but Mama says I’ll grow into them. Now, who wants to hear a song? I just learned to whistle.” At press time, Biden’s poll numbers had plummeted even further after an abysmal tap dance performance.
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House Report Finds Trump’s Businesses Made Millions From Foreign Entities During Presidency
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A House Oversight committee report titled “White House For Sale” found evidence that former Donald Trump’s businesses received millions of dollars from foreign entities in 20 different countries during the time that he was president, including China and Saudi Arabia. What do you think?
“And people still have the nerve to say he’s xenophobic.”
Jasper Gerke, Technical Poet
“How else would he pay for his legal defense for accepting money from foreign countries?”
Amanda Cherniak, Unemployed
“Those mini-bar prices will kill you.”
Stanley Romero, Wire Detangler
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WWII-Era ‘Practice Bomb’ Washes Up In California
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The Santa Cruz County bomb squad inspected an “inert military ordnance” believed to be a practice bomb filled with sand from the 1960s that washed up on the Pajaro Dunes, 20 miles southeast of Santa Cruz. What do you think?
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Court Documents Containing Names Of Jeffery Epstein’s Associates To Be Revealed
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On Monday, the deadline for objections to the unsealing of names connected to the Jeffrey Epstein-Ghislaine Maxwell sex trafficking case will pass, allowing the identities of nearly 200 of Epstein’s associates to be confirmed. What do you think?
“Can’t wait to find out who’s on it and who I’ll pretend isn’t.”
Jarrett Brannan, Skydiving Trainer
“Nobody respects people’s privacy anymore.”
Trish Binger, Feline Chiropractor
“And did the court say what day they’ll all mysteriously drop dead?”
Prakhar Acconcia, Spoon Shaper
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Disney Makes LeFou Available For Public Use Decades Before Copyright Expires
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BURBANK, CA—Announcing the Beauty And The Beast character was available for public use as of Jan. 1, 2024, Disney CEO Bob Iger confirmed Tuesday that the company was relinquishing the rights to LeFou decades before the film’s copyright expired. “Go ahead, put LeFou in whatever silly slasher films you like—we do not care for him, and we never have,” said Iger, who called upon DreamWorks, Warner Bros., or “whoever the fuck” to go ahead and use the character in whatever creative projects they like. “If you want to use LeFou, we won’t sue you. So go on. You have my word. Technically, the copyright isn’t until 2086, but we hate that little shit. Just promise you won’t try to make him look cool because he’s not cool—he fucking sucks.” At press time, Iger added that anyone who tried to touch Lumière would be fucking dead.
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5 Gray Wolves Released In Colorado In Effort To Restore Population
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In a move that reignited tensions between conservationists who advocate for a balanced ecosystem and livestock farmers who see the new additions as a threat, five gray wolves were released into the wild in Colorado in an effort to restore the predator population there, the first time this has been done since government-sponsored programs eliminated wolves from the area a century ago. What do you think?
“Isn’t there a nicer predator we could release?”
Cora Meagher, Cheese Ager
“I wish my state could support wildlife.”
Jay Mattingly, Salt Separator
“Wow, so even wolves get welfare now?”
Mary McCallip, Data Compiler
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Child’s Diary Completely Devoid Of Any Useful Dirt On Other Parent
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HUNTINGTON BEACH, CA—Sighing as she shoved the journal back under their daughter’s mattress, local woman Lori Trent reported Monday that her child’s diary was completely devoid of any useful dirt on her soon-to-be ex-husband. “Great, I spent all afternoon reading that drivel for absolutely no reason,” said the 46-year-old in the middle of a contentious divorce, lamenting the fact that her daughter’s new crush, friends, and blossoming eating disorder had little to offer in the way of legal leverage. “Thanks a lot, Heather—what a complete waste of time. There’s absolutely nothing but praise for her good-for-nothing father, yet there’s countless entries about my new boyfriend’s penchant for watching her sleep. It must be written in some kind of code where the words have opposite meanings, but it will be hard to convince the judge that’s what’s going on.” At press time, Trent was reportedly frustrated after finding nothing in her son’s room but drawings of some blond lady and a younger man bleeding out.
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