ReportWire

Tag: The Onion

  • Internet Falls for Fake Story About Detroit Lions Rookie Tate Ratledge

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    If you were online this week, and especially if you’re a Detroit Lions fan still recovering from the Philadelphia loss, you probably saw the headline floating around: “Lions Rookie Tate Ratledge Asks for Thanksgiving Off.”

    And if you thought, Wait… what? That can’t be real, congratulations, your media literacy is alive and well.

    Because no, rookie OG Tate Ratledge did not actually ask Dan Campbell for a holiday break so he could eat grandma’s stuffing and watch football with his cousins. The whole thing came from a satirical site (The Onion) poking fun at Detroit’s rough week, and the internet… well… did the internet thing and took it way too seriously.

    Fans Completely Missed the Joke

    The article, which was 100% parody, even included this wonderfully ridiculous “quote” from Ratledge:

    “I know we have a game scheduled, but my family has this big tradition every year where we all get together on that day and have a feast and watch football, and I really don’t want to miss it,” said the 24-year-old guard, adding that he’s very excited to spend time with his cousins and have a few helpings of his grandma’s famous stuffing. “I’ve already had to cancel a lot of weekend plans because of games this season, so I’m hoping I don’t have to back out on this, too. Plus, my mom said she’s making pecan pie just for me—it’s my favorite.” 

    Come on. That alone should’ve been the giant neon sign flashing THIS IS A JOKE.

    But nope. Social media spun out anyway, with some fans genuinely convinced Ratledge was trying to skip the biggest annual game on the Lions’ calendar.

    This Somehow Made Its Way to the Actual Lions

    Like most things that go viral for the wrong reasons, it eventually got back to both Ratledge and the team. No drama, no anger, just a reminder that some folks may have never heard of The Onion, satire, or even common sense.

    Ratledge didn’t ask out of a nationally televised game. He didn’t beg for pecan pie. And he definitely didn’t tell Dan Campbell he had “too many weekend plans this season.”

    He was doing what rookies do before Thanksgiving in Detroit: getting ready to block 300-pound defensive linemen on national TV.

    The Bottom Line

    Tate Ratledge is playing on Thanksgiving.
    The Onion is still The Onion.
    And the internet is… still the internet.

    Carry on, Detroit.

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    Don Drysdale

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  • The Onion Wants an Oscar for ‘Jeffrey Epstein: Bad Pedophile’—Coming to a Theater Near You

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    This, Collins believes, is not only a testament to The Onion’s quality, but a referendum on Trump himself. “People do not like what’s going on, and people vote with their dollars,” he says. “It’s not purely capitalistic. We are making art for the sake of art, absolutely, but there is sort of a protest-vote element in showing up to this thing.”

    Even beyond Kimmel, comedy has become increasingly politicized in Trump’s second term. In recent days, the internet erupted after comedy A-listers like Dave Chappelle, Pete Davidson, and Whitney Cummings agreed to headline the Riyadh Comedy Festival in Saudi Arabia. “I’m going to say something really brave: I think Jeffrey Epstein is bad, and I also think 9/11 was bad,” says Collins, alluding to the Saudi government’s alleged ties to the terror attacks. “I think both those things were bad, and I wouldn’t hang out with either of those people—the 9/11 people or the Jeffrey Epstein. Somebody’s going to make a statue of me with that as the placard: ‘I think 9/11 was bad, and I think Jeffrey Epstein was bad.’”

    On a more serious note, Collins thinks the Riyadh lineup reflects something dire about both American politics and the bifurcated woke-versus-anti-woke comedy scene. Collins says there’s “a lot of money” behind enticing anti-woke comics to shill for the political project on the right. “I also like money, but I think getting hundreds of thousands of dollars to tell jokes for 10 minutes about ‘airline food is bad’ is actually illustrative of a much larger thing: The stuff that’s getting greenlit is not necessarily popular with the populace. It’s popular with rich people who are sick of being yelled at in the media. They are using some of these people as vehicles for whatever the comedy equivalent of greenwashing is.”

    There’s a parallel to be drawn between the Riyadh Comedy Festival and Jeffrey Epstein: Bad Pedophile—the ultra-wealthy getting whatever they want. “George Carlin said it best: ‘It’s a big club and you ain’t in it,’” quotes Collins. “That is just the truth. Now more than ever, the club has stopped pretending they’re a club; it’s a bunch of rich guys who want to maintain this. I would ask people gently to not fall for it.”

    And he’s doing so by asking people to watch Jeffrey Epstein: Bad Pedophile. What’s more, Collins says he’s submitting Jeffrey Epstein: Bad Pedophile to the best-live-action-short category at the Oscars this year. And while Collins admits that this is a shot in the dark, he has already come up with a pretty compelling Oscar campaign. “The Academy: Do you like pedophiles? I don’t think you do.” He smiles. “You know what you could do to prove it?”

    Jeffrey Epstein: Bad Pedophile premieres in select theaters on October 2nd.

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    Chris Murphy

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  • Trump Campaign Hacked By Iran

    Trump Campaign Hacked By Iran

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    Former President Donald Trump’s campaign said some internal communications have been hacked, blaming the Iranian government and citing past hostilities between Trump and Iran without providing direct evidence. What do you think?

    “Will Iran stop at nothing to push their radical liberal agenda?”

    James Wymer, Biography Enthusiast

    “This is why I usually just delete emails from the Iranian Revolutionary Guard Corps.”

    Ricky Doering, Thermostat Regulator

    “Iran couldn’t wait a couple of days for the next tell-all book?”

    Laura Dackebrand, Systems Analyst

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  • Tim Walz: ‘I Have Killed, And I Will Kill Again’

    Tim Walz: ‘I Have Killed, And I Will Kill Again’

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    NEWPORT BEACH, CA—Refuting accusations of stolen valor by claiming his hands were permanently stained with the blood of his enemies, Democratic vice presidential nominee Tim Walz told reporters Monday that he had killed before and would kill again. “To those who have attempted to discredit my military record, let me just say that I have, on numerous occasions, ended a man’s life, and I will do it again,” said the Minnesota governor, who explained that while his killings might not have taken place on the battlefield, they were great in number and included both foreign and domestic targets. “I’d like to ask Sen. Vance—have you watched the last glint of life leave a frightened man’s eyes as you tightened your grip around his soft neck? Because I have. And I won’t stop.” Walz went on to state that a person didn’t have to go to war to snuff out a life, a lesson his opponents would soon learn very slowly and very painfully.

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  • Taylor Swift’s Vienna Concerts Canceled In Response To Terrorist Plot

    Taylor Swift’s Vienna Concerts Canceled In Response To Terrorist Plot

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    Organizers have canceled three Taylor Swift concerts in Austria after authorities foiled a terror attack planned for the Vienna leg of her blockbuster Eras tour, the extraordinary decision coming at significant cost to Vienna’s businesses, devastating fans, and renewing focus on the vulnerability of huge concerts as targets for terror networks. What do you think?

    “Hopefully, she’ll reschedule when terrorism ends.”

    Mark Spradley, Systems Analyst

    “Good thing Swifties are famously easygoing.”

    Lucy Kubik, Gluten Remover

    “That’s it. I hate terrorism.”

    Will Dye, Assistant Key Grip

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  • EPA Bans Weedkiller That Threatens Developing Fetuses

    EPA Bans Weedkiller That Threatens Developing Fetuses

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    The Environmental Protection Agency issued an emergency order to stop the use of a pesticide widely used to control weeds on a variety of crops such as broccoli, onions, and strawberries after it was found to harm developing fetuses, the agency’s first such move in almost 40 years. What do you think?

    “At least my fetus was safe from aphids.”

    Stephanie Cauble, Synthetics Executive

    “There goes the scapegoat for my pregnant drinking.”

    Anne Moreno, Talent Scout

    “When we declared war on weeds, we knew there’d be casualties.”

    Grady Pearson, Prawn Fisherman

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  • Report: 92% Of Americans Want To Be Tossed Around Like Rag Doll By Swedish Logger

    Report: 92% Of Americans Want To Be Tossed Around Like Rag Doll By Swedish Logger

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    WASHINGTON—In what experts are calling the most comprehensive survey of the phenomenon to date, a new report published Wednesday by the Pew Research Center found that more than 9 in 10 Americans would like to be tossed around like a rag doll by a Swedish logger. “Regardless of their age, gender, or ethnicity, an overwhelming percentage of respondents had a favorable view of being picked up as if they were light as a feather by a man named Nils, Anders, or Erik who wears a blond beard and is still sweaty from a long day in the woods,” said report co-author Sheila Pascale, who found among residents of all 50 states a very strong desire to be swung over the shoulder of a large Scandinavian man, deposited onto a warm feather bed, and relished like a generous dollop of homemade lingonberry jam. “One thing is clear: If there’s a burly, 6-foot-tall man from a Nordic country who somehow possesses both the calloused palms of a workman and the soft hands of a lover, the American people would like to be sexually manhandled by him.” The report also found that the number jumps from 92% to 95% if the Swedish logger in question boasts a small assortment of tasteful tattoos.

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  • Artist Profile: Charli XCX

    Artist Profile: Charli XCX

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    Charli XCX, the artist behind the album Brat and the “brat summer” phenomenon, made headlines after endorsing presidential candidate Kamala Harris. The Onion shares what you need to know about the singer-songwriter.

    • Birth Name: Charles Entertainment Cheese
    • Birthplace: Myspace Office of Research and Development
    • Vocal Style: Singing into electric fan
    • Eye Color: Dilated
    • Most Frequent Collaborator: Girl in next bathroom stall over
    • Fashion Aesthetic: Goth Slimer
    • Fandom Name: Crucial voting bloc
    • Habitat: Warm, open brushlands bordering on rivers and streams
    • Most Famous Feud: John Williams, after edging him out for job composing Bottoms soundtrack

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  • Russia Agrees To Massive Prisoner Swap With West

    Russia Agrees To Massive Prisoner Swap With West

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    Russia, the United States, and several other countries engaged in an extraordinary 24-prisoner exchange, the largest of its kind since the Cold War and one in which President Joe Biden was directly involved. What do you think?

    “I’m not sure I feel safe with all those hardened human rights activists back on the street.”

    Ashley Ortiz, Stance Analyst

    “American journalists belong in American prisons.”

    Scott Sharzy, Hospital Landlord

    “It’s amazing that Trump pulled this off without even holding office.”

    Wayne Urso, Drum Major

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  • Trump Questions Kamala Harris’ Race

    Trump Questions Kamala Harris’ Race

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    Former President Trump claimed Vice President Kamala Harris “became […] Black” during a panel at the National Association of Black Journalists’ annual convention, saying he didn’t know she was Black until “a number of years ago.” What do you think?

    “I knew being Black was a choice.”

    Aimee Linville, Blade Inspector

    “Maybe he just wants to be sure he’s insulting her race correctly.”

    Tommy Lieu, Potency Tester

    “Her race shouldn’t matter. Let’s focus on the important things, like her gender.”

    Corey Klemetson, Hearse Enthusiast

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  • The Pros And Cons Of Banning Porn

    The Pros And Cons Of Banning Porn

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    With Project 2025 calling for the criminalization of porn and age-verification laws already on the books in multiple states, The Onion examines the pros and cons of banning pornographic material.

    • PRO: Could switch to cheaper Wi-Fi plan.
    • CON: Might find partner attractive again.
    • PRO: Really plays into denial kink.
    • CON: Could set back the MILF’s rights movement more than 50 years.
    • PRO: ’Tis a sin to possess a lustful heart.
    • CON: Will have to find other diversion to get through car wash.
    • PRO: Plenty of fetishes obscure enough to fly under radar.
    • CON: Our cam girls will surely be bereft without our charming commentary.
    • PRO: Hard to be the ‘pro porn’ guy in Congress.
    • CON: Our parents are coming home soon. We really shouldn’t be doing this.

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  • Iran Vows Retaliation For Hamas Chief Killing

    Iran Vows Retaliation For Hamas Chief Killing

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    Iran’s Supreme Leader vowed to seek revenge against Israel for the killing of Hamas’ top political leader in a predawn airstrike in the Iranian capital of Tehran, risking escalating the conflict into an all-out regional war. What do you think?

    “I thought Iran’s location was a well-kept secret.”

    Ricardo Toro, Padlock Programmer

    “There’s no way Israel was behind an airstrike that killed only one person.”

    Adrien Horna, Landfill Sweeper

    “I admire any leader who vows.”

    Luci Gippling, Back-Up Sommelier

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  • 56-Year-Old Roblox User Groomed By 68-Year-Old Roblox User

    56-Year-Old Roblox User Groomed By 68-Year-Old Roblox User

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    FAIRHOPE, AL—Exploiting the popular online game platform for his own perverse ends, local Roblox user Rodney McKinney, 68, was accused of grooming 56-year-old Roblox user Walter Rhodes, sources confirmed Wednesday. “For the past several months, Mr. McKinney, a 68-year-old Roblox user, used the game as a means to foster an inappropriate relationship with an impressionable young 56-year-old that was sexual in nature,” said officer Mike Cavazos, noting several obscene messages in which the baby boomer offered the much younger Gen X user Robux in exchange for lewd images of Rhodes’ flabby, mature body. “It was clear from their correspondence that Mr. McKinney knew the victim was 56, as he stated in chats that he was ‘old enough to be [Rhodes’] supervising manager.’ And though he claimed that messages inviting the victim to move off Roblox to a more private LinkedIn chat were innocent, we believe otherwise.” At press time, authorities claimed McKinney attempted to conceal his indiscretions by warning Rhodes not to “tell your mom, if she’s still alive.”

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  • Kamala Harris Rushes To Marshall’s To Buy Nicer Work Clothes

    Kamala Harris Rushes To Marshall’s To Buy Nicer Work Clothes

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    WASHINGTON—Figuring a wardrobe update would play well with voters, Vice President Kamala Harris reportedly rushed to Marshall’s Tuesday to buy nicer work clothes. “It’s time I finally invested in a decent blazer,” said Harris, who flipped through the racks of discount merchandise, picked up a pair of stretchy black pants, and mumbled “Not dressy enough” before placing the hanger back. “It needs to strike the rare balance between professional and not completely hideous. Under $70 would also be nice. Hey, what’s this? Is Max Studio a good brand? Is the presidential nominee allowed to wear culottes?” At press time, reports confirmed Harris had abandoned her original mission to buy work clothes after becoming distracted by an aisle of snack food and picking up a bag of apple chips.

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  • Report: Trump Gunman Googled ‘How To Be An Enigma’

    Report: Trump Gunman Googled ‘How To Be An Enigma’

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    WASHINGTON—Providing long-awaited insight into the attempted assassin’s mental state, a report released Monday found that gunman Thomas Matthew Crooks googled “How to be an enigma” before trying to kill former President Donald Trump. “After reviewing the shooter’s browser history, we have discovered several searches for phrases such as ‘cultivating mystery’ and ‘tips for becoming and remaining unknowable,’” said federal investigator Terrance Jepson, noting that Crooks also appeared to have bookmarked WikiHow pages like “10 Steps To Transform Yourself Into An Inscrutable Paradox.” “It seems the perpetrator became obsessed with the idea of being a secret to all and took part in discussions on Discord in which he inquired about other people’s experiences being a riddle with no solution. Several of his classmates have even come forward to suggest that he appeared to be both someone and no one at all during the time they knew him.” Sources went on to confirm that Crooks clearly never found any satisfactory answers to his search queries, as there was hardly anything mysterious about being yet another American who sought instant notoriety and had access to an assault rifle.

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  • Newsom Orders Removal Of Homeless Encampments

    Newsom Orders Removal Of Homeless Encampments

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    California Gov. Gavin Newsom (D) issued an executive order calling on state officials to begin taking down homeless encampments, buoyed by a recent U.S. Supreme Court decision that ruled such “anti-camping” ordinances did not violate the Constitution’s ban on cruel and unusual punishment. What do you think?

    “It’s too bad the government isn’t allowed to make buildings or give people money.”

    Mark Zeitz, Frosting Specialist

    “Take that, most vulnerable people imaginable.”

    Anne Krygowski, Freezer Scraper

    “It’s not cruel and unusual punishment if the victims aren’t considered people.”

    Robert Yount, Systems Analyst

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  • Team USA’s Arrival In France Leaves American Basketball Rims Largely Unguarded

    Team USA’s Arrival In France Leaves American Basketball Rims Largely Unguarded

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    WASHINGTON—Warning that interior defenses were spread too thin, experts confirmed this week that Team USA’s arrival in France for the Olympics had left America’s own basketball rims largely unguarded. “In a strategic blunder of historic proportions, the U.S. men’s national basketball team landing in Paris has left an uncontested path to the basket,” said national security expert Emmett Stein, explaining that Americans lacked the necessary shot blockers and bigs to protect the paint on courts at home. “At the current moment, our nation is woefully vulnerable to foreign threats against basketball rims on its own shores. A foreign player with a basketball at the top of the key could drive for an easy layup with little resistance.” At press time, America was devastated after foreign basketball adversaries attacked a domestic rim with a tomahawk dunk.

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