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Tag: Self-Development

  • The Most Life-changing Experiment I Ever Did

    The Most Life-changing Experiment I Ever Did

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    This simple question will help you truly love yourself.

    Every year, I set a guiding principle to live by for the next twelve months.

    Last year, I chose self-love.

    “Love yourself first and everything else falls into line. You really have to love yourself to get anything done in this world.” – Lucille Ball

    Before my experiment, I would not have understood this quote. Today, I believe these are some of the truest words ever spoken.

    But let’s rewind.

    At the beginning of last year, I realized I had unhealthy behaviors and was in unhealthy relationships because I chased external validation and love.

    • I beat myself up for my mistakes
    • I coped with self-medication and social media
    • I didn’t express my needs because I thought they didn’t matter
    • I had low self-worth and compensated by working my ass off
    • I tolerated disrespect from others because I was afraid of losing them

    Then, I saw a video by Teal Swan that suggested a simple experiment.

    “For 365 days, ask yourself ‘what would someone who truly loves themselves do?’ and do that.”

    It was a good start, but I didn’t stop there.

    Over twelve months, I dove deep into the topic of self-love and what it means to love yourself unconditionally.

    The results were mind-blowing – better relationships, faster business growth, and a deep feeling of inner peace.

    While the journey wasn’t easy, it turned my life upside down in so many ways.

    Just Ask Yourself The Question

    It seems easy – “What would someone who truly loves themselves do?”

    That person wouldn’t:

    • Stay up scrolling social media until the wee hours – they’d rather spend the time doing something that serves them
    • Beat themselves up for mistakes – they’d be compassionate and learn to do better next time
    • Stay with people who don’t respect and appreciate them – they’d have the courage to cut off these relationships and create better ones

    Asking myself felt uncomfortable in the beginning, which was a true sign that I had starved myself of the love I needed.

    In some situations, I didn’t even know what to do, so I did what Swan’s video suggested:

    “Just feel into it – do what feels good intuitively.”

    See, the mind is very good at rationalizing things. The ego tells stories to keep you in old patterns because they feel safe. But your intuitive feeling?

    It’s always right.

    You know already that social media, self-loathing, and toxic people aren’t good for you.

    You just have to act on it.

    Asking this question is like a self-improvement sledgehammer – it hits hard and produces massive results.

    There was no way out, no explaining, and no excuses when I asked it. I had to make a fundamental choice – love myself or not.

    I chose – and my behaviors, thoughts, and relationships changed quickly.

    But I knew I wasn’t done.

    The Three Pillars Of True Self-Love

    Like for most people, self-love was an airy-fairy concept in the beginning.

    Asking myself the question made it more tangible, but I was still confused – what was self-love? How do you describe it? Grasp it? Explain it? Live by it?

    I dug deep – books, videos, speeches, mentors, spiritual guides, Ayahuasca ceremonies, and the occasional talk with voodoo priests.

    In the end, I came up with three tangible pillars I could live by.

    Pillar #1: Self-appreciation

    I’m a “push harder” kind of guy.

    I’ve worked for 21 days without a break, hit the gym for 30, and achieved 300+ day meditation streaks.

    I’ve built a business from scratch, stepped on stage in a bodybuilding competition, and lived on five continents.

    Not bad for three decades on this planet – but one thing was missing.

    I rarely appreciated myself for what I did.

    I simply pushed harder because I felt like I was never enough.

    When you don’t appreciate your efforts, you burn out. It’s like climbing a mountain and instead of enjoying the view, you run down the other side to tackle the next peak right away. You attach your self-worth to your achievements.

    So I forced myself to slow down a little. Instead of just journaling about my mistakes, I also recorded the efforts I was proud of. I paused to take a deep breath and give myself a pat on the shoulder.

    And it felt incredible.

    It helped me realize how great I was – not in an arrogant, ego-driven way, but rather from a place of compassion and “you’ve done well.”

    “Self-appreciation is the foundation of self-love.” – Amy Leigh Mercree

    For the first time, I saw myself as worthy of praise.

    For the first time, I gave myself the love I had chased for so long.

    For the first time in ages, I appreciated all the hard work my body, mind, and spirit had put into my life.

    Appreciate yourself – you’ve earned it.

    Pillar #2: Self-respect

    faded and worn photo of a man's face fading away

    There’s nothing more important to me than respect.

    I don’t mind if people don’t like me, women don’t love me, or my parents are disappointed – as long as they respect me.

    It hurts when someone crosses that line. I removed friends and partners from my life because of it. Yet, I kept running into the same struggle of people disrespecting me.

    They kept showing up late, lying, and taking me for granted.

    I didn’t know why until I took a long, hard look at myself and realized they were merely a mirror of my inner world.

    I made empty promises to myself – “I won’t stay up late/scroll social media/watch porn again.” I didn’t hold myself accountable. I lacked integrity and self-respect.

    So I started with that – keeping promises, drawing boundaries, and holding myself to a higher standard.

    It didn’t take long for the results to show on the outside, as well.

    “Respect yourself and others will respect you.” – Confucius

    I left the relationships where I wasn’t appreciated and started living life on my terms.

    Was it scary to draw these boundaries and let go of clients, friends, and partners? Yes.

    Was it worth it? Also yes, big time.

    Respect yourself and life will start respecting you, too.

    Pillar #3: Self-acceptance

    This was the hardest part out of the three.

    Why?

    Because it forced me to dive deep into my shadow and everything I had buried in the dark.

    We all have parts we don’t like about ourselves. Things we hide because we don’t want others to know about it. Stuff that we’re ashamed of.

    But you cannot love yourself if you don’t accept yourself fully.

    You will forever pretend to be someone else – a fake version of yourself.

    Instead of acting like someone I wasn’t, I faced the truth.

    It was tough in the beginning because I forced myself to look at all the parts I didn’t like. The mistakes I made, the trauma I carried, and the insecurities I had.

    But step by step, I got better at facing the pain, sadness, and disappointment I had buried.

    Step by step, I cleared out my basement.

    And step by step, I learned to meet these parts of myself with love.

    “To be yourself in a world that is constantly trying to make you something else is the greatest accomplishment.” – Ralph Waldo Emerson

    I stopped being dependent on others’ validation and stopped acting like someone I wasn’t. Instead, I embraced myself fully.

    This helped me to finally attract the people who were a good match and to move my business forward in a direction I was truly aligned with.

    At the end of the day, I could look at myself in the mirror and love the true me.

    Your authentic self is where your true power lies – so shine light on the shadow.

    These Were The Biggest Lessons I Learned

    This experiment was one of the most powerful ones I ever did.

    It took everything I could give – and I learned so much in return.

    • Self-love is the basis for everything.
      All you’ve been looking for – success, a home and loving family, feeling good about yourself, and being the best man you can – they start here.
    • You can only love others as you love yourself.
      This was the scariest insight I had. If you don’t love yourself, you can’t love others. If you love yourself conditionally, that’s how you will love others. The same is true the other way around.
    • Everything starts with you.
      There’s good and bad news about self-love. The bad news is, you’re the only one who can do it. The good news is, nobody can stop you from showing up for yourself. So start with you and everything else will follow.

    I never thought this year would change me so much, but it did.

    I’ve chased someone who was unavailable for two years – that will never happen again.

    I’ve tolerated disrespect because I was afraid of losing people – that will never happen again.

    I’ve pretended to be someone I wasn’t and denied my true self appreciation, respect, and acceptance – that will never happen again, either.

    Life’s a lot better today. I’m at peace. I love myself – truly, authentically, as I am.

    And you can get there, too.

    Just ask yourself:

    “What would someone who truly loves themselves do?”

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    Moreno Zugaro

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  • How To Solve A Sensitive Issue Without Blowing It Up

    How To Solve A Sensitive Issue Without Blowing It Up

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    Use these three guiding principles that will help you navigate even the toughest conversations easily.

    Have you ever told your partner that you want them to lose weight?

    Me neither – I like to live.

    Some topics are as sensitive as fresh sunburn and have the destructive power of two average-sized nuclear bombs:

    • Finances
    • Sex & intimacy
    • Past relationships
    • The monster-in-law
    • Family planning & parenting
    • Stuff that involves triggers & insecurities

    Any recurring issues that stacked a massive emotional charge over time

    The worst? You can’t avoid them. Discussing them is fundamental to any relationship.

    But how you approach them makes the difference between an adult conversation and a full-on blowout.

    Here are my best techniques to save yourself from escalating arguments and instead find solutions together.

    How To Take Everyone’s Ego Out Of The Equation

    The biggest problem that leads to arguments is our ego.

    Its job is to make us feel safe and protect us from repeating the suffering we experienced in the past. If someone points out your mistakes but you learned that you’re only worthy of love if you perform and are perfect, that raises your ego’s defenses. It will do what it can to make the other’s point invalid.

    It has noble intentions, but unfortunately, it often makes us defensive, deny our flaws, or outright attack the other.

    “Speak when you are angry, and you will make the best speech you will ever regret.” – Ambrose Bierce

    The trick to not triggering it is to create a safe space – a place in which you feel no need to defend yourself.

    That’s when people can open up, share their true feelings, and admit their mistakes.

    • Prepare and calm your nervous system
      Make sure you have ample time and aren’t stressed when you bring up these topics. Take a few deep breaths before you open the space.
    • Listen instead of fixing
      You don’t need to answer right away or solve problems. Just give the other space to express what they want to.
    • Stay with yourself and don’t interrupt or blame
      If something triggers you, that’s within you – act accordingly. When you share something, do it without accusing the other.

    A great way to open the space is to start with: “Hey, I’d like to have a conversation with you because our relationship is important to me.”

    Make it safe and focus on finding common ground – that takes the ego out of the equation.

    This Conversation Technique Will Make You Unattackable

    One of the major human flaws is that we seek solutions to our problems outside ourselves.

    But everything is within us. Our triggers, problems, emotions, perspectives, and even the reality we believe in – it’s all inside ourselves.

    So when you tell others to act differently because their behavior hurts you, it creates conflict because you attack their reality.

    I know you have no ill intention – but there’s a better way to communicate what’s on your heart and mind.

    It’s called an I-Statement.

    Simply answer the following questions for yourself:

    • What have I observed?
    • How does that make me feel and why?
    • What would I wish for in the future?

    Then, share the answers with your partner from an “I perspective.”

    “I noticed you often remind me to do things although I already said I’d do them. This makes me feel micromanaged and also takes away my drive to do what you asked me to. I’d appreciate it if I could do things on my timeline in the future or if we could just agree on a deadline and I’m free to organize myself as long as I stick to it.”

    No accusation. No blame. No expectation. You’re just sharing how you feel, so there’s no reason to attack, defend, or argue.

    Add a little “How do you feel about that?” after and you’ll minimize the chances of escalation.

    “Communication is about being real. Sharing pieces of yourself that may not be comfortable, but are necessary for the growth of the relationship.” – Les Brown

    Yes, it’s hard to make yourself that vulnerable – but you’ll either move forward together or learn that the other person is not someone you can have a civil conversation with.

    Either way, you win.

    Use This Simple Principle To Make Escalation Impossible

    I love it when someone brings up stuff from the past.

    It’s my favorite right after chewing on my sweaty socks after a workout and getting sandblasted up the butt. Fun times.

    It used to happen a lot with my ex-girlfriends. “Last week you’ve done this, last month it was that, yadda yadda yadda.” It was like pouring gasoline onto hot coals, turning a difficult conversation into a full forest fire.

    Of course, I tried to defend myself – a crucial mistake because I gave up my frame.

    My… what? Let me explain.

    In my first semester at university, I was at a house party. The host had put up a big, white canvas on a wall with markers next to it so people could leave their signatures. Since the party was semi-public on Facebook, hundreds of people were there and the canvas quickly filled up.

    It only took one guy to slip with the marker and draw on the wall behind it – an hour later, the whole wall looked like a children’s coloring book.

    One small break of the frame led to a huge escalation.

    Just like the canvas created boundaries for where people could draw, a conversational frame dictates the tone, content, voice, context, and perception of a conversation. When someone tries to divert the conversation, perhaps by bringing up stuff from the past, they try to break that frame to get them into a better position. And when you pick up that thread, you buy into it.

    Once that happens, the damage is done because you accepted the escalation.

    How do you avoid this? By practicing frame control.

    • Clearly state what the conversation is about
      “Hey, you might have a valid point there, but I think it’s best if we stick to the topic at hand. Once that’s solved, I’d love to look at what you just brought up.”
    • Don’t let your triggers take over
      I know it’s tempting to retaliate, escalate, and get defensive – but the moment you do that, you accept the escalating frame. Stay calm, no matter what the other does.
    • Draw healthy boundaries
      Don’t let others disrespect you because it starts small and gets bigger over time. The moment you notice, state clearly that you need the tone to stay respectful. If they don’t adjust, remove yourself from the situation.

    “It’s not what happens to you, but how you react to it that matters.” – Epictetus

    Frame control can be tough to master, but it’s one of the most powerful tools you can learn.

    And as with all things mastery, it starts with mastering yourself.

    How To Talk About Sensitive Topics Without Escalation And Arguments

    Some topics are hard to talk about no matter what.

    That’s okay. Everything you want is on the other side of a few hard conversations. And if you know how to approach them, they’ll go much smoother than expected.

    1. Create a Safe Space – it brings down the ego’s defense mechanisms and helps you connect as human beings.
    2. Use “I-Statements” – share your inner world rather than blaming or attacking the other.
    3. Practice Frame Control – keep the conversation focused on what matters instead of accepting more explosive material.

    Opinions can divide you, but the right communication will always bring you closer together.

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    Moreno Zugaro

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  • This Valentine’s Day, I’m Doing Things Differently

    This Valentine’s Day, I’m Doing Things Differently

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    Beyond the gift I’m giving, this February 14th marks a private pledge to enhance our bond from my side.

    It’s gift season. Christmas was in December; Katie’s birthday is in January, and now Valentine’s Day is here. Yes, I’ll get Katie a gift for Valentine’s Day (we always do something small for each other), but this year I’ve been thinking more about the purpose of this holiday. And I need it to mean something other than consumerism. 

    It’s been a crazy year for us, and we’ve found ourselves lamenting that our relationship has, at times, taken a back seat to the other priorities in life: kids, finances, Katie’s business, my health. It’s a season through which all relationships go, but to overcome it and get back on track, I’m looking at Valentines Day as a fresh start – a time for a few relational resolutions. In lieu of only a simple gift and a bouquet of flowers, I want to make a few changes. 

    Here are a few Valentine’s Day resolutions I’m considering this year…

    Active Listening

    I have three little girls who love to play loudly and argue loudly. It’s also an old house, which means I hear every one of their little footsteps upstairs; oh, and the washer, dryer, and dishwasher are basically always running. So it’s literally hard for me to hear Katie most of the time, especially when we try to talk to each other from different rooms (why the hell do we do that?)

    On top of all of that, I’m up at 5:45 everyday for work. Katie owns her own business and gets our girls ready for school in the morning before she heads to work. And at the end of the day, once the girls are in bed, we have nothing left. It’s easier to sit and stare at our phones than to converse and listen to each other. And as an English teacher, I’m great at talking, but listening is an intentional skill that I’ve had to cultivate (and I’m always working on it). 

    This year, I’m renewing my commitment to actively listening to my wife. I need to ask her more frequently how her day went, how she’s feeling about her business, about our relationship, about her friendships, then listen to the response and ask follow-up questions. Did that make you happy? That sounds like it was really tough, how are you dealing with that? Is there anything I can do to support you more in this? 

    Then it’s time for me to show her that I’ve listened. Ok, so I hear you saying xyz, is that right? If you can paraphrase back to your partner whatever it is that they just said to you, you can convey to them that what they say (and how they feel) matters. 

    a toy action figure for the Perfect Partner in its packaging

    Specific Compliments

    Recently we had a birthday party for our youngest, and we were chatting with one of the moms who brought her daughter over. Making conversation, I asked this mom a few questions about her daughter, but somehow all of her answers managed to come back to herself and what kind of mom she is. While I found this annoying, Katie humored her. She smiled, nodded, and agreed with what the mom was saying. 

    The next day, I made a point of telling Katie how impressed I am with her ability to meet people where they are socially. While I was getting impatient with the responses to my questions (and apparently I was wearing some of that impatience on my face), Katie realized that what mattered most was for this woman to feel comfortable in our home. 

    You tell your partner they’re pretty all the time, but the best compliments are the ones we get about who we are. Find those personality traits that make your partner stand out and speak them aloud. 

    a perfect partner action figure in its packaginga perfect partner action figure in its packaging

    Spend a Few Bucks Randomly

    And I mean literally just spend a few bucks every once in a while (not just on holidays). The truth is you shouldn’t need a reason to get a little something for your significant other. The point is to convey I was thinking about you even though it’s just an ordinary Tuesday. Here are a few cheap items that my wife loves, and maybe yours will too. 

    • Nail file
    • $10 Starbucks gift card
    • Small bouquet of flowers (Trader Joe’s flowers are awesome and cheap)
    • Favorite candybar 
    • Pack of gel pens
    • A new nail polish color
    • A gallon of washer fluid (my wife seemingly goes through a gallon a week)
    • Cozy soft socks
    • Hair accessories (headband, scarf)
    • Face mask (Marshall’s sells these in the cosmetics area for cheap)
    an asian toy figure in packaging that reads perfect partneran asian toy figure in packaging that reads perfect partner

    Work on Yourself 

    The truth is that our relationships benefit when we work on ourselves. I’m not saying you have to fix everything about yourself that annoys your partner, but intentional growth is a gift to both of you. This year I’m getting back to a regular exercise routine, and I’m working on keeping a more positive attitude. 

    There are a few ways to go about this…

    1. You could ask your partner if there’s something they’d like you to work on. If you go this route, you better be ready to take the feedback without getting defensive. 
    2. You could make the decision and then tell your partner: I’ve noticed it bothers you when I ____________, so this is something I’ve decided I want to work on. 
    3. You could start making the change and just keep it to yourself. And frankly guys, this is the best option. 

    Maybe you need to listen more, interrupt less, chip in more on the household chores, or be more present with the kids. If you haven’t exercised in a while, and your partner goes to the gym, start tagging along. If you have emotional hang ups hindering your relationship, go start seeing a therapist. The fact is we work on ourselves for our own benefit, but the byproduct of that work is often a healthier relationship. 

    There’s nothing wrong with picking up that tennis bracelet for Valentine’s Day, but this year, I need the day to be something more than another reason for me to spend money. I’m using this holiday as a reset, a springboard into some healthy habits for my relationship. I’ll let you know next year how it went. 



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    Mike Henson

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  • How To Make Your Partner Feel Loved By Understanding Their Love Language

    How To Make Your Partner Feel Loved By Understanding Their Love Language

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    Make sure your good intentions don’t get lost in translation.

    “Nakupenda!”

    You have no clue what I just said, right?

    It means “I love you” in Swahili, a language spoken in eastern Africa.

    That’s the problem with languages. We can say a lot of things, but if the other doesn’t understand, you lose information in translation. The words fall on deaf ears.

    And it’s not just words.

    My mum often gives me small gifts as a sign of her love, but while I appreciate the gesture and know where it’s coming from, it doesn’t make me feel as loved as some of the other ways she expresses it.

    We speak different love languages.

    It’s a term coined by marriage counselor, speaker, and author Dr. Gary Chapman, author of “The 5 Love Languages.”

    If you don’t speak the same language, you can do naked triple backflips to show your partner you love them – they still won’t feel it.

    But if you do, it will help you connect with your partner, make them feel the love you give, create more intimacy in the long run, and can help avoid conflict and resentment.

    Here’s your crash course to the 5 love languages:

    Seduce Their Ears With Words of Affirmation

    Science says humans developed spoken language between 150,000 and 200,000 years ago.

    It’s our most-used way of communication, so it’s no surprise that words are a love language.

    My grandma was huge on this, telling me over and over how much I meant to her. But it’s not just about saying, “I love you.”

    People who speak this love language respond well to any sort of verbal appreciation. They thrive on kind, encouraging, and vulnerable words.

    • Give genuine compliments
    • Write them a heartfelt note
    • Express gratitude and appreciation for things big and little
    • Tell them how much they mean to you and why

    Whatever you do, be sincere – empty or generically broad words will hurt them just as much as genuine ones make them feel loved.

    a collage of a heart with words of affirmation on it and a man standing looking at it

    Make Them Feel Your Love With Acts of Service

    For some people, actions speak louder than words.

    You can tell them about your love countless times, but do something for them and it hits harder than a million sentences combined. I once had an ex-girlfriend who melted like butter in a pan every time I made her food. Good thing I like to cook.

    People who speak this language feel loved when you put in effort.

    • Help with chores
    • Make them breakfast
    • Take something off their plate they don’t enjoy doing

    But again, it needs to be genuine – if they sense you only do it because you think you have to, or because they should appreciate it, it will backfire like a broken bazooka.

    collage of a man using a power drill and a painted teal heartcollage of a man using a power drill and a painted teal heart

    Spend Your Most Precious Resource With Them – Quality Time

    Time is our most precious resource – once it’s gone, it’s gone forever.

    That’s why I like to spend my free hours with the people I love. For me, it’s a sign of appreciation and deep connection. When someone understands, appreciates, and returns it, I feel loved.

    But it’s not just any time – it’s quality time.

    This means talking, connecting, and being present instead of constant distraction from TVs, phone screens, or to-do lists.

    When you know what it’s about, it’s easy to create:

    • Plan dates and make time to be with the other person
    • Be fully present and make an effort to get distractions out of the way
    • Listen actively and make the person feel like they’re the only thing in the world that matters right now

    The biggest sin when it comes to this love language is not being present – it makes me feel like I don’t matter. I’d rather have an hour of someone’s full presence than three hours of them being all over the place.

    Mesmerize Their Body With Physical Touch

    The right person touching you the right way can feel magic – not just sexually.

    I once had a girlfriend who didn’t care about cuddling. When she told me she never had been into it, it took me a few seconds to pick my jaw off the floor again. I’m a sucker for physical touch so needless to say, the relationship didn’t last long.

    The things that make me and other people who speak this language feel loved are simple:

    • Holding hands
    • Sitting so close our legs touch
    • A quick squeeze when cuddling

    It’s not about physical attraction or sexual intimacy. It’s about making the body feel what the mind already knows.

    two hands touching on textured backgroundtwo hands touching on textured background

    Say It With A Gift

    Ever wondered why some people obsess over deeply personal birthday gifts while others couldn’t care less?

    One day while I was traveling in Australia, I was walking down the street singing doo wadeedee deedeedum deedeedoo, when a girl from our hostel walked towards me. We were barely in shouting distance when she blurted out “Hey Moreno, it’s my birthday!”

    I thought it weird, but later realized she was an absolute sucker for birthday presents since they made her feel loved, appreciated, and seen – this was the day when she could feel showered in love. I can’t blame her for that.

    Like other people who speak this love language, she thrived on small gifts.

    • A flower
    • A box of their favorite cookies
    • A little gadget that’s the perfect addition to their kitchen tools

    It doesn’t have to be something big – it’s the thought and attention that matters. Missing an occasion like a birthday gift can deeply hurt someone who speaks this language, even if it seems like no big deal to others.

    Alternatively, some feel very loved by small random gifts; things like surprising them with their favorite takeout so they don’t have to think about dinner, or a t-shirt with a shared interest or inside joke you found unexpectedly.

    How To Connect When You Speak Different Love Languages

    Now you understand the “Nakupenda!” problem a lot better.

    So what can you do when you speak different love languages?

    How do you make sure your partner receives your expressions of love and you get your needs met, as well?

    In a nutshell, you’ll both have to learn the other’s language – here’s how:

    • Assess yourself with a love language quiz or reflect on what makes you feel loved. The better you understand yourself, the more you can help your partner speak your language.
    • Develop empathy and understanding. Appreciate your partner’s efforts even if they’re in the “wrong” language – they still love you, it’s just a little lost in translation.
    • Have regular check-ins and communicate openly. Ask “How full is your love tank?” or reflect in a relationship journal. Educate and help each other grow.
    • Make an active effort to learn your partner’s language. It might feel unnatural at first, but once you see how positively they react to it, you’ll understand why it’s so important.
    • Celebrate your differences. What seems like an obstacle in the beginning can help you connect if you learn to appreciate each others’ uniqueness.

    If both of you put in the work, you’ll thrive together – no matter what language you speak.

    This Is What True Love Means

    They say love knows no boundaries.

    That might be true, but it certainly knows languages.

    And if you don’t speak the same, your love is going to dry out like a puddle of water in the Sahara midday sun.

    But if you both make an effort, you’ll connect – whether it’s through words, acts, gifts, time, or touch.

    That’s what true love means – meet the other halfway, no matter what language you speak.

    Nakupenda.



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    Moreno Zugaro

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  • Begin Again: 50 Short-Term Goal Examples You Can Actually Commit To That Will Change Your Life

    Begin Again: 50 Short-Term Goal Examples You Can Actually Commit To That Will Change Your Life

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    A step-by-step guide for making, achieving, and tracking better goals, plus 50 examples to get you going.

    29 January,2024By Andrew Snavely / Additional Writing By Stillman Brown

    Have you ever set a personal goal for yourself like “I want to lose weight,” or “I want to get a better job,” and then woke up 6 months later still in the exact same situation you were in?

    Man, you must just be terrible at accomplishing things.

    Or maybe it was something far simpler: Your goals were terrible. Why?

    Because things like “lose weight” and “get a better job” aren’t good goals, they’re outcomes. 

    They’re desirable … but as goals, they’re useless. In fact, vague, overly-broad goals like that will actually prevent you from getting what you want in life and will just make you feel defeated.

    I Used To Be Bad At Personal Goals … Here’s How I Got Better

    For years I struggled with meeting my goals. I’ve always made lots of goals, like “Eating healthier,” “Getting in shape,” and “Doing more things with friends.” After I made a big, important life goal I always felt good – life transformation, here I come!

    The problem was, I never achieved the goals I set.

    Obviously, my goal-making process was broken and it was getting in the way of achieving the things I wanted in life.  Instead of using goals to move toward a larger aspiration, they had become impediments. My goals were using me.

    The Difference Between Goals and Aspirations

    Think about the last few small goals you made. Were they something like…

    • “Control my spending”
    • “Write a screenplay”
    • “Read more books”
    • “Call my mom like ever”
    • “Improve my communication skills”

    Those aren’t goals. Those are aspirations masquerading as goals. When you say something like “control my spending” what you really mean is “Be financially secure.” Financial security is an excellent thing to want – and it’s a great aspiration.

    But it’s not a goal.

    Aspirations are desired outcomes not bound to specifics. How would you know if you’ve achieved your aspiration of “being financially secure”? Anything that isn’t clear cut relies on a feeling. It’s totally fine to aspire to feel certain things as the result of an outcome, but they make terrible goals.

    Aspirations are dreams. Goals, as you’re about to discover, are systems – to be actionable, achievable, and USEFUL, and any goal you make must be short term.

    Witness: The Gospel Of Short-Term Goals

    Here’s the secret to, well, everything: you need to start setting short-term goals. Maybe just one. Maybe a whole bunch that build on each other towards something larger.

    Are you currently in a state where you feel like you’re just going through the motions, lacking the drive and enthusiasm to make meaningful progress in your life? You might be experiencing what psychologists call “languishing.”

    double exposure collage of young man in front of various charts and metrics regarding short term goals

    It’s that feeling of being stuck, where your goals and aspirations seem distant and unattainable. But don’t worry; you’re not alone in this. This is a common experience that I know all too well. The good news is that there’s a way out of this sense of stagnation, and it begins with setting short-term goals.

    Whatever the case, your personal goals need to stop being big, ambitious, ill-defined desired outcomes and start being simple, measurable, attainable, relevant, and timely (more on that later).

    If you’re already overwhelmed, don’t be. I’m going to walk you through the whole process.

    In fact, let’s make a goal right now: by the end of this post, you want to have a full-proof method for creating small, short-term goals that you know you can achieve.

    Ready? Let’s dive in.

    What is a Short-term Goal?

    Short-term goals bridge the divide from where you are to where you want to be in a way you can actually achieve.

    Short term goals are “short” for a reason. They are things to be accomplished within a quick time frame, not more than a month or two. They may be explicitly part of a larger mid-term or long-term goal, but not necessarily.

    Sometimes it’s the short-term actions that help you discover what you want your long-term goals to be. Nifty, huh?

    Why Short-term Goals are Essential to Improving Your Life

    Living life without goals is like banking your retirement on winning the lottery.

    Without goals you’re just oozing through daily life hoping for improvement … without actually working toward it. Hope is important but it’s not a strategy. Hope is a feeling – not a plan.

    Goals are how you operationalize your aspirations, desires, and dreams. Short-term goals are how you make day-to-day progress on the big, life-enhancing changes you want. 

    So, in summary: You need goals, and you need them to be good goals.

    pull quote: In fact, the moment you realize you're off course is proof your goals are working. If you're able to quickly realize that you haven't been doing your goal, it means it's a good goal and it means you can make the necessary adjustments to get back on track right then and there. pull quote: In fact, the moment you realize you're off course is proof your goals are working. If you're able to quickly realize that you haven't been doing your goal, it means it's a good goal and it means you can make the necessary adjustments to get back on track right then and there.

    What Makes A Good Goal?

    I used to frustratingly believe goals were kind of like genius – you either have this magical ability to make and achieve great goals or you don’t. People who are good at accomplishing personal goals are born that way.

    Thankfully, I was wrong.

    In fact, psychologists have studied good goal-making. A lot. To immediately start making better goals, try the S.M.A.R.T. goal technique.

    SMART goals will be:

    Simple.

    Distill it into a few words and make it straightforward. More than that will begin to feel overwhelming, or worse, loose and scattered.

    Measurable.

    Your goal should be easily quantifiable. Find a way to tell whether you’re doing it or not and track that.

    Attainable. 

    Deciding to run every day when you haven’t run since high school is a high bar to set. Be reasonable with yourself: It’s great to be ambitious in the long term, but short-term goals should be achievable steps toward growth.

    Relevant.

    Why is this goal important? Does it enhance or conflict with larger goals? Does it align with your current physical, mental, or financial reality?

    Time-bound.

    Goals should have a time frame assigned to them so you can adjust or improve as you go.

    Losing weight is not a goal. How will you know if you are on track or not? Eating healthier is not a goal. How will you know at any given moment if you are doing it?

    Here’s the key:

    Do not aspire to be someone who benches 200 lbs. Aspire to be the person who lives a lifestyle that allows them to bench 200 lbs.

    • They work out 3 times per week.
    • They increase weight progressively based on a specific plan.
    • They consume a specific amount of protein each day to allow their body to grow into something that can press 200 lbs.

    Each of those can easily be turned into a S.M.A.R.T. goal for you to reach the outcome of being a person who can bench 200 lbs.

    If you feel like you’ve tried setting goals in the past but never got anything productive from the exercise, a similar acronym to S.M.A.R.T. may help illustrate a new approach: A.B.C.:

    A: Achievable, B: Believable, and Committed.

    Often when we’re motivated to come up with goals, they may be far too ambitious based on where we are, our current state of productivity and emotional tools we have access to, or what we genuinely can commit to.

    Using A.B.C. to validate our S.M.A.R.T. goals may help us recognize that what we’ve come up with is not believably achievable, either in the timeframe we’ve allotted or the real-world, day-to-day requirements making that commitment would require.

    If you want to better guarantee improvement and movement on your goals, make them doable but a challenge just out of your comfort zone. Continue to increase the difficulty in each subsequent set of goals. Don’t rely on motivation alone, set your goals up as a system.

    Short-term Goal Setting Template

    50 Short-term Goal Examples

    Let’s take a look at some examples of short-term goals to get your gears turning.

    Bad goal: Start running. (Too vague, no achievable outcome, no deadline).

    Good goal: Jog for 20 minutes twice per week for six weeks. (Specific, personal, realistic, time-based).

    Short-Term Personal Goals Examples

    1. Do a nightly gratitude journal for 1 week; or journal for 15 minutes every morning for 2 weeks
    2. Limit social media screen time to 30 minutes per day, or get off screens by 9:00 p.m. everyday for 2 weeks
    3. Do one lesson on Justin Guitar per week or finish one Coursera course within a month
    4. Spend 90 minutes per week on a new hobby for one month
    5. Try one new home cooked meal per week until the end of the year
    6. Give 2% of your monthly income to charity each pay period for two months
    7. Read for 10 hours each month
    8. Water your houseplants every 12 days (not too much!)
    9. Teach yourself one new home repair skill every month
    10. Use a distraction-limiting focus mode on your phone for 1 week

    Short-Term Health & Fitness Goals Examples

    1. Go to the gym Tuesday, Thursday, and Saturday with no required minimum workout
    2. Only consume 1 alcoholic drink per session for 2 weeks
    3. Meditate for 10 minutes before bed 4 times per week
    4. Wake up 15 minutes earlier to make a real breakfast every workday for 2 weeks
    5. Cut off caffeine at noon every workday for one month
    6. Eat vegetarian on Mondays and Thursdays for 6 weeks
    7. Set a timer to get up and stretch for 2 minutes every hour
    8. Bike to work one day per week for a month
    9. Do a Sunday morning hike every week for a month
    10. Drink only water every Wednesday for 1 month

    Short-Term Career Goals Examples

    1. Complete one continued education online course or training program per month
    2. Research and commit to attending an industry conference within 90 days
    3. Invite one coworker or boss to coffee outside of the workplace per week for 6 weeks
    4. Schedule one informational interview with a grad school counselor by the 1st of next month
    5. I will spend 45 minutes updating my resume every Sunday for 4 weeks
    6. Get to work 1 minute early every day for a week. Then make it 2 minutes, then 3 – all the way up to the optimal time you want to be at your desk
    7. Reach out to one friend, family member, or acquaintance you admire tomorrow and set a date to discuss how they achieved success
    8. Read 1 amazing book on leadership each month for the next 5 months
    9. Seek out and attend a public speaking or leadership meetup in your town by next week
    10. Visit TED.com and watch one talk by an industry leader per day on your lunch break instead of watching Youtube

    Short-Term Goals Examples for Your Relationships

    1. Call your high school best friend once per month
    2. Plan a true date night for your partner on the first and third Saturdays of the month
    3. Join a kickball team for a season
    4. Host a game night with friends within the next 20 days
    5. Simply start an interaction with someone you find attractive with zero expectations once per week
    6. Make a meal for someone in the next week
    7. Research 3 options for a couples therapist by the end of the week and have an appointment by the end of the month
    8. Join a spiritual community of some kind for 1 month
    9. Commit to being a better listener for 1 week
    10. Ask someone out on a date, in person, in the next week

    Short-Term Financial Goals

    1. Drink only homemade coffee for 10 days, or bring your lunch to work 3 times per week
    2. Any recreational purchase must be added to a Should I Buy This jar/folder/account that can only be acted on after it’s been on the list for 7 days
    3. Move 5% of your paycheck to a savings account per pay period and assess if you noticed it missing from your wallet at the end of the month
    4. Sign up for a budgeting app like Simplifi or YNAB, and use it everyday for two weeks. At the end of that time, see if you noticed any changes in your spending habits.
    5. Open a high-yield interest account by the end of Sunday
    6. Save on groceries and make a double portion of one of these recipes every week
    7. Open some type of retirement account like  an IRA in the next 14 days
    8. Create a monthly budget of expenses and attempt to reduce it by 10% within the next 10 days
    9. Schedule an appointment with a financial counselor within two weeks
    10. Make a date with yourself and a bottle of wine to honestly look at any credit card debt that’s been lingering for more than six months. Just this could be a huge win for many

    How To Track Your Goals

    A great goal must be Measurable, so you must track it in some way. There are a few different ways to do this.

    A detailed example of a goal-tracking journal notebook used for setting and tracking short-term goals, including activities like gym, meditation, and reading.A detailed example of a goal-tracking journal notebook used for setting and tracking short-term goals, including activities like gym, meditation, and reading.

    Bullet Journal

    A longtime favorite method for tracking goals is in my journal. I’ve done this for about four years. At the end of each day, I’ll do an audit checking off the boxes for the things I did that day. They can be things that are positive goals like working out or meditating, or they can be things I’m trying to do less of, like checking off a box if I ate out.

    At the end of the week, I review how I did – and here’s the critical part:

    I assess the need to make changes or alterations based on my performance. If I’m trying to drink a gallon of water a day but am averaging 16 ounces, I need to come up with some serious adjustments to my routine.

    Or – I need to adjust my goal.

    Recognizing that a goal was too ambitious or not attainable in the time frame you’ve allotted is not failure. It simply means that after testing, it’s become clear the expectations need to be revised to be more relevant.

    And in 6 months, I’ll be in a far better place with daily water intake if I recognize it fast and reduce my goal to 32 ounces a day to start than if I force myself into thinking I can just power through such a wide discrepancy.

    Remember: Great goals are about creating the lifestyle that allows your desired outcome to exist.  – Click to tweet

    Goal Setting & Milestone Tracking Apps

    An alternative to using pen and paper is using one of the great goal-tracking apps out there. What’s most important is finding one that is easy to use and convenient.

    One of the more popular apps is Fabulous, developed in Duke’s Behavioral Economics Lab, which boasts 18,000 reviews with a 4.6 star average. A fun one to consider is Habitica, which turns your goals into a retro-slick 8-bit style game.

    mockup of MyFitnessPal app UI indicating calorie counting, fasting timer, and food loggingmockup of MyFitnessPal app UI indicating calorie counting, fasting timer, and food logging
    I previously tracked my calories every day for 2.5 years with MyFitnessPal as I worked on specific nutrition and fitness goals

    For more specific goals you may need to use an app created for that purpose. For diet and weight goals and tracking, I tracked my calories for over 900 days with MyFitnessPal. It makes it super easy to find and enter food, and as you can tell by how long I’ve been doing it, is not a chore to do.

    a close up of an apple watch displaying the waterminder app ui for adding water intakea close up of an apple watch displaying the waterminder app ui for adding water intake
    Using specialized apps like Waterminder to be able to effortlessly log water intake allows me to remember and track my water intake goals. The important part is finding a system that you will do.

    For tracking and improving my water intake, I use an app called Waterminder that makes it fast to log a glass of water, from your phone or smartwatch. It can also send you reminders so you don’t have to rely on memory or feeling thirsty alone to stay hydrated.

    For tracking gym goals I use the Strong app. It has a clean and fast UI and a lot of practical features like a set timer and it will remind you what weight you did last time so can determine if it’s time to increase resistance.

    For tracking productivity goals, I’ve found several apps to be very helpful. Timelines is a mobile and Apple Watch app that allows you to very quickly start time tracking pre-determined things and can provide reports to measure milestones and progress. I’ve used it to keep track of everything from meditation, exercise, how long my morning routine takes me, to making sure I’m spending quality, intentional time with my pup. The nice thing about Timelines is you can use it to track and limit the time you’re spending on something; or use it to track time milestones such as spending 2 hours per week exercising.

    two mockups showing the Timelines app UI that features custom timeline starting options as well as reports via charts and tables for tracking time-based goalstwo mockups showing the Timelines app UI that features custom timeline starting options as well as reports via charts and tables for tracking time-based goals

    → Now read this: Why People Don’t Have What They Want: 12 Common Traps to Help Diagnose Stagnation

    Buddy System for Accountability & Feedback

    Being accountable to someone else for your goals can be extremely motivating. If you know someone who is willing to pair up with you to support each other’s goals, definitely take advantage of that.

    What this looks like in practice can vary depending on your relationship and your individual goals. It could simply be texting each other each time you go to the gym. Or you could do a 20 minute weekly Facetime meeting where you identify challenges you’re facing in accomplishing your goals and help each other. If you and another creative friend have writing goals, you could set up a dedicated Slack channel that you both post your pages to as a way of tracking progress.

    There are also thousands of online communities built for exactly this kind of thing. If you’re willing to put yourself out there, I highly recommend recruiting someone to be accountable to.

    Embracing Setbacks Helps Motivation

    Let’s talk about what happens when you don’t meet your goal.

    First of all, goals are targets, and you don’t have to have 100% success with them.

    I would argue that setbacks are at least as important as gains. Setbacks teach you how to fail quickly and efficiently. The more times you fall off and get back on, the greater your chances of turning your short-term goal into a long-term achievement.

    How many times have you gotten into a good exercise routine only to stop completely for several months because the routine got tripped up with a vacation, holidays, or stressful work week?

    In fact, the moment you realize you’re off course is proof your goals are working. If you’re able to quickly realize that you haven’t been doing your goal, it means it’s a measurable goal and you can make the necessary adjustments to get back on track right then and there.

    This could be as simple as: Take a deep breath once you realize you’ve fallen off. Feel good about being self-aware enough to realize it. Let it go. Then–

    Immediately take a step toward meeting your goal, like setting an extra alarm to wake up for your morning work out, or calling your goal-buddy to let them know what happened. Or didn’t happen.

    Short-term goals are the building blocks of long-term goals because they create the critical momentum you need to get started and keep moving:

    The creation of momentum is what proves to yourself that you are capable of establishing a goal and working toward it.

    And once you’ve proven to yourself that you can accomplish goals, you realize you can accomplish anything with the right strategy.

    Get moving toward the things you want. It’s just one week at a time.

    What helps motivate you to make good goals? Let us know in the comments!



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    Andrew Snavely

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  • Being Unstoppable Comes Down To Two Simple Things

    Being Unstoppable Comes Down To Two Simple Things

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    Life-changing principles to master your thoughts and emotions.

    This piece is a part of our Begin Again series, and incorporating the 3 mental frameworks outlined in the intro with the ideas discussed here in your journaling can snowball your progress.

    It’s a fundamental truth about life – the difference between the man who achieved his goals and the one who dies with regrets is simple.

    One just didn’t give up.

    If you do the right things for a long enough time while ignoring all the stuff that could get you off track, you’ll get what you want.

    We often see this unstoppableness with juiced-up Hollywood heroes – Rocky Balboa punching cow carcasses with motivational music in the background.

    But life isn’t Hollywood. In the movie, this scene lasts 30 seconds. In life, it can last for decades.

    Here’s how you can make it through.

    These Are The Only Things That Can Stop You

    Every decision we make is based on two things.

    Thoughts and emotions.

    • If your thoughts convince you it’s better to stop, you will – even if you realize you were on the wrong track after.
    • If your emotions become too overwhelming, you’ll stop – even if you later wish you could’ve stuck it out a little longer.

    To become unstoppable, you need to master both.

    The Surprising Truth About Your Thoughts

    Thoughts aren’t real.

    This is tough to understand because we identify with the voice in our head. We take what it says for the truth. Yet, most of it is as accurate as a drunk archer in the dark.

    The voice often told me I was wasting my time with my work because I didn’t see results – a few weeks later, I got a client who said they’d followed me for months.

    How often have you thought someone doesn’t like you because they didn’t answer your message – then a few days later they apologize because they got overwhelmed with life?

    Put simply, the mind goes through a lot of blablabla any given day.

    The ego creates limiting thoughts out of fear and to keep us safe, telling you all sorts of bullshit about why you should stop doing this or that.

    This happens especially when you’re tired, hungry, and exhausted – hence the negative thoughts late at night.

    “I’ve had a lot of worries in my life, most of which never happened.” ― Mark Twain

    The key to being unstoppable is to understand your thoughts aren’t real and stop listening to them.

    You’re the sky. Your thoughts are just the weather. And that’s going to change all the time.

    Make sure you stay on your path whether it’s rainy or sunny.

    This is a stylized illustration divided diagonally. The upper left corner is black, suggesting a tunnel receding into darkness. The rest of the image is a vibrant red triangle pointing towards the tunnel. Within the red area is a white silhouette of a human profile facing the tunnel. Overlapping the silhouette and the tunnel, the phrase "THOUGHTS AREN'T REAL" is written in bold, capital letters that follow the diagonal division. The image has a textured, grainy background, reminiscent of an old print or propaganda poster, with a beige border framing the entire composition.

    What Everybody Should Know About Emotions

    We’ve all heard the good old “men don’t cry.”

    When I was a kid and I scraped my knee, I heard it. When I split with my girlfriend, I heard it. You’ve heard it, too.

    But does “not crying” make you unstoppable? Or do you just suppress your emotions because you’re afraid to feel them?

    “You’re not weak because you feel; you’re strong because you can.” – Daniel Chidiac

    Look, I know how painful life can be. Hitting the same walls comes with hurt, disappointment, shame, and self-doubt. But no matter how much you feel like someone is carving out your heart with a rusty spoon, you’ll have to remember this:

    Emotions are safe.

    If you don’t resist, they can’t harm you. All you need to do is let them be.

    They might make you anxious, cry, shake, and scream – but they’re perfectly safe.

    Once you understand that and develop the capability to manage and experience your emotions without having to act on them, they won’t be able to stop you.

    You’ll be able to endure the pain of working out, the self-doubt of starting a business, and the fear of opening up to your partner.

    You’ll no longer waste your energy on suppressing them and can instead use it to walk your path.

    • Find out which emotions you’re afraid of or suppressing. Sadness, anger, hurt, grief, powerlessness, despair – there are many we run from.
    • Give room to that feeling and acknowledge it. All you need to do is sit, feel it, and let it be.
    • Do what feels right, even if it doesn’t feel good. You’ll know the difference.

    Emotions are great feedback mechanisms, but terrible decision-makers. Give them space and they’ll vanish. Don’t let them get you off your path.

    You’re safe.

    A graphic illustration featuring a stylized silhouette of a person hunched over with their head bowed down. They appear to be sitting at the edge of a body of water, with ripples emanating from where their hand touches the surface. Behind the figure is a large, bold red circle, suggestive of a setting or rising sun. Across the top portion of the circle, the text "EMOTIONS ARE SAFE" is inscribed in white capital letters. The overall color palette is monochromatic red and black, set against a textured grey background.A graphic illustration featuring a stylized silhouette of a person hunched over with their head bowed down. They appear to be sitting at the edge of a body of water, with ripples emanating from where their hand touches the surface. Behind the figure is a large, bold red circle, suggestive of a setting or rising sun. Across the top portion of the circle, the text "EMOTIONS ARE SAFE" is inscribed in white capital letters. The overall color palette is monochromatic red and black, set against a textured grey background.

    The Simple Principles That Will Help You Become Unstoppable

    Life isn’t a Hollywood movie.

    There’s no guaranteed happy ending. There’s no motivational music to help you up when you’re neck-deep in shit. There’s no 30-second cut scene or fast-forward button.

    Sometimes, you have to remind yourself of the fundamental truths.

    Your thoughts aren’t real. Your emotions are safe.

    Don’t let them stop you.

    Keep going.

    It’s all that matters.

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    Moreno Zugaro

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  • Begin Again Series: How to Journal – The One Thing That Can Change Everything

    Begin Again Series: How to Journal – The One Thing That Can Change Everything

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    How to Journal

    The good news is, there is no right or wrong way to journal. Like getting exercise, prayer, or meditating what matters is only that your process works for you and doesn’t keep you from doing it. If the process is prohibitive, review the first principles framework in the Begin Again intro.

    Types of Journaling

    “Journaling” isn’t defined by a specific method, like “exercising,” there are many styles that can suit different goals or preferences.

    The best part about journaling is your practice does not have to be the same every day. You can focus on emotional intelligence one day, creative stream of conscious the next, and gratitude after that. Or, you may prefer creating some kind of consistent format, where each session you identify what you’ve been feeling, thinking, something you’re grateful for, and respond to a short prompt.

    Here are a few prominent forms a journaling practice can take:

    Stream of Conscious Journaling

    Stream of consciousness journaling, exemplified by “Morning Pages” from Julia Cameron’s “The Artist’s Way,” involves writing down thoughts as they naturally occur, without editing or filtering. This technique, often done first thing in the morning and with a goal of simply filling 3 pages without a focus on quality, is known for enhancing creativity and self-awareness in daily life by providing an unstructured space for spontaneous expression.

    Diary Journaling

    Diary journaling is a more time-based form of journaling, typically focused on documenting daily events, thoughts, or feelings. Unlike stream of consciousness journaling, it is a recounting of the day’s happenings and reflecting on them. This method is valuable for memory keeping, self-reflection, and tracking thinking over time.

    Prompt-guided Journaling

    Prompt-guided journaling begins by writing responses to specific prompts or questions. Unlike free-form journaling, it directs your focus to particular topics, ideas, or self-reflections. This method is particularly helpful for exploring specific aspects of your life, emotions, or values that you may not think to write about (or want to write about) on your own. See my 14 journal prompts below to get started.

    Gratitude Journaling

    Gratitude journaling is regularly writing down things you’re grateful for, with the goal of fostering a positive mindset. This practice is often recommended for boosting mental well-being, especially for overcoming a sense of negatively or helplessness. By focusing on smaller and more abstract things you’re grateful for over time versus large and obvious things, this practice can infiltrate your everyday life, allowing you to be happier and more at peace with day-to-day experiences.

    Reflective Journaling

    Reflective journaling involves writing about personal experiences, thoughts, and feelings with a focus on introspection and analysis. To do this, you reflect on specific feelings or events, interpret their significance, and consider how they impact your beliefs and future actions. This style of journaling encourages a deeper understanding of oneself and is often used for personal development and problem-solving.

    This can be a routine practice that feeds into a larger, structured end of year reflection like I do. It can also be more philosophy or values based, my article The 12 Reasons People Don’t Have What They Want is almost verbatim from a random, unexpected journal entry.

    Vision Journaling

    Vision journaling is a forward-looking form of journaling where you articulate and explore your future aspirations, goals, and dreams through writing. It differs from traditional diary-style journaling by focusing specifically on envisioning and planning for the future. In this practice, you write about your desired outcomes in various aspects of life, such as career, personal growth, relationships, or hobbies. This method serves as a powerful tool for discerning intentions, clarifying goals, and mapping out steps to achieve them. By regularly engaging in vision journaling, you create a written manifestation of your aspirations, helping to keep you motivated and focused on your long-term objectives.

    Bullet Journaling

    In contrast to long-form prose, bullet journaling is a popular organizational method that involves using bullets to log tasks, events, and notes in a concise, structured manner. It’s a customizable system that combines planning, tracking, and reflection, often enhanced with creative elements like layout designs, doodles or calligraphy. This method is known for its efficiency and flexibility in helping manage daily life and long-term goals. Read How to Bullet Journal.

    Decision Journaling

    A decision journal is a tool that helps individuals improve their decision-making by recording and analyzing their current decisions. It helps to prevent hindsight bias, encourages self-awareness, and provides a feedback loop for better decision-making. The key components of a decision journal include recording the situation, problem statement, variables, complications, alternatives considered, expected outcomes, and personal feelings during the decision-making process. Read more about how to create a decision journal.

    Dreamlining

    Dreamlining, as conceptualized by Tim Ferriss, is a goal-setting method that blends vision-setting with specific timelines. It involves listing your deepest desires or goals, assigning them 6 to 12-month timelines, and breaking them down into actionable steps. This technique encourages a focus on personal aspirations over societal norms, aiming to transform distant dreams into achievable objectives within set time frames.

    Habit Tracking Journaling

    This is a method focused on recording and monitoring daily habits to build self-awareness and achieve personal goals. It often involves keeping a structured journal where you track the consistency of various habits, such as exercise, diet, or meditation as well as the daily factors that influence whether you meet or miss your habits. This technique helps in identifying patterns, fostering discipline, and measuring progress over time.

    Affirmation Journaling

    Affirmation journaling primarily aims to counteract negative self-talk by focusing on positive statements about yourself. This practice helps in reprogramming the mind to adopt a more positive and empowering belief system, combating self-doubt and reinforcing self-worth and confidence.

    Creative Journaling

    Creative journaling is an unstructured practice where you express yourself through various creative mediums such as short stories, lyrics, or drawings. This form of journaling fosters creativity and self-expression.

    a journal sitting next to a window in the desert

    Things to Write in a Journal

    For our generation in particular, this can be an especially tough habit to break. In a world where everyone’s online, it’s a daily battle just to stand out as an individual against the anonymous masses. We’re used to branding ourselves. We’re used to self-promoting. We’re used to relentlessly maintaining a pristine persona and assuming that everything we ever do will be permanently recorded. And that’s all the more reason for us to have a refuge from that.

    The more we’re able to let go of that urge and explore ourselves uncritically, the more effective this discipline will become. Fundamentally, journaling gives us a place to be honest with ourselves while simultaneously training us to be more honest.

    When we’re switching from one mask to another, it can be dangerously easy to lose track of the real us, and journaling gives us a chance to truly examine our own lives and grapple with the people we are.

    Read our article for more tips on making journaling easy.

    Write Everything

    And anything.

    To do lists. Deepest, darkest fears. Epiphanies. Insights. Questions. Things you like and dislike about the Batman universe. Our journals aren’t supposed to be a record of our thoughts but rather a place to figure out what those thoughts are.

    Every one of us is a twisted jumble of impulses, instincts, insights, irrational fears, and Ghostbusters trivia. These pages are where we’re going to untangle what we’re thinking and feeling, and that’s only going to happen by letting ourselves spill out everything (again everything) onto the page.

    In a world where it feels like everyone’s watching (or equally terrifying – like no one’s watching), it can be strangely difficult for us to truly see ourselves. Journaling not only helps us discover that, but allows us to ultimately become the people we actually are. Whether you’ve been on the road a while or if you’re just starting out on your journey, every one of us could benefit from the tried-and-tested practice of logging our distance.

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    Ella White

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  • It's Time to Begin Again

    It's Time to Begin Again

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    Start the year strong with our new series, beginning with a foundation of 3 frameworks that will change everything.

    There’s always talk of resolutions and life change this time of year. For many of us, the holidays represent the annual peak of veering off course whether it’s health, a side project, or career-trajectory related.

    Family functions and gift gathering and the barreling corporate train toward the end of Q4 don’t leave a lot emotional energy for nice-to-have future goals. Plus, lots of great food you don’t get the rest of the year can take priority over weight watching.

    But now it’s January: “New year, new me.”

    Inevitably, with all the talk of resolutions, there’s been increasing scorn of the yearly revamp. The pessimistic naysayers dismiss resolution-goers as dreamers who will be off course by February. They commiserate with the other regulars at the gym about all the new people and how hard it is to get a squat rack now.

    What bothers me more about the negativity surrounding resolutions is the dedicated and diligent among us, who sneer, “I don’t wait for New Years to recalibrate.”

    The tradition of New Year’s resolutions, originating about 4,000 years ago with the Babylonians, has evolved from religious promises to gods into modern secular commitments focused on self-improvement.

    The cycling of the calendar is used as a reminder to recollect oneself and refocus on whats important.

    New Years Reflection = Meditation

    On a different scale, this is exactly the same as the introspective and restorative practice of meditation. In mindfulness meditation, for instance, you sit and attempt to focus on your breath. You will inevitably start thinking, maybe even immediately. But when you realize that you’re distracted you return your focus to the breath.

    Some people may use a guided meditation app like Headspace while others make use of timed gongs, but the purpose is the same: To use an outside voice or sound as a reminder to check if you’ve become distracted. If you have, refocus on the breath.

    But just like meditation, in life it’s easy to come to and realize, oh wow, I’ve been distracted from what’s important, for like, a long time. In both situations it can be incredibly disheartening and frustrating. “I’ve tried to make goals before, and look, I got nowhere with them. What’s the point?”

    To do this is to miss the point of the process.

    The following 3 frameworks will serve as the mindset for determining what will create a fulfilling life for you and result in meaningful change. Over the next week, we’ll highlight practical tools and methods that can help you rediscover what’s truly important to you.

    When You Get Away from Your Goals & Habits, “Simply…Begin Again”

    Prominent meditation teachers like Sam Harris and Joseph Goldstein offer a tip for when we get distracted: Release the disappointment or frustration, don’t chastise yourself or give up – simply refocus your attention on what’s important and begin again:

    This meditative wisdom can be a powerful tool for our New Year restarts for our goals and ambitions. Instead of succumbing to disappointment when we realize we’ve strayed from our fitness, nutrition, or other personal goals, the mantra of “just begin again” encourages us to refocus. It’s a call to realign with what truly matters, not the fleeting emotions of disappointment or past failures.

    This approach values resilience over perfection. It acknowledges that the path to personal change is not linear but inherently filled with ebbs and flows. By adopting the practice of “beginning again,” we foster a mindset that embraces every distracted moment as a new opportunity, a fresh start to recommit to what’s important, as Harris says, that is “free from the past.”

    The image contains a circular, clockwise arrow with a gradient from light to dark shade, symbolizing a cycle or process. At the top of the cycle, the text "BEGIN CHANGE" suggests the start of a transformation or process. At the bottom, the text "RECOGNIZE DISTRACTION" indicates an awareness or acknowledgment phase within the cycle. The arrow and accompanying text imply a continuous process of initiating change and being mindful of distractions, suggesting a conceptual framework for personal or organizational improvement.

    But even when you wake up from distraction, how do you determine what’s important? Or what if you’re not emotionally connected to what you’re focusing on? What if you lack the drive to formulate what changes you want to make?

    The Centuries Old Ground Rules for Change

    Establishing a set of founding principles can be incredibly helpful when it comes to defining what’s truly important in your life and creating lasting and meaningful change. An ancient Tibetan practice called Lojong, which translates to “Mind Training,” offers a profound perspective on this.

    Lojong begins with what are known as the “Four Preliminaries.” They are ‘preliminary’ not because they are less important or basic, on the contrary, they are the core principles everything is based on.

    The tenets of the Four Preliminaries establish a brutally honest baseline of the reality we all live in and can serve as a sobering perspective as we begin again this year and decide on the types of changes that would be most meaningful to us individually.

    Here is a new vision of each, in a modern secular approach for making positive change. Embrace these as the core principles your goals will be based on.

    First Preliminary: Reconnect to The Preciousness of Human Life

    It is easy to fall into a river of apathy, letting the tasks of our work, our family obligations, and cultural expectations dictate our life. To let the natural flow of life to define what our life is or could be.

    Amidst billions of humans who have lived before us and countless more who will follow, the mathematical infinitesimal rarity of life forming into the highly specific and unique combination that became You is staggering.

    In a universe where matter can neither be created or destroyed, the building blocks constituting your body could have coalesced into anything else—space gas, a primitive rodent on the bottom of the food chain 50,000 years ago, or my monstera plant that never stood a chance.

    And since matter isn’t destroyed, after you’re gone, parts of you may end up as space gas, a rodent, or some other writer’s dead plant. You’re here, in the face of improbable odds, only temporarily.

    → As we begin again, refocusing from distraction, the initial Lojong preliminary reminds us to get out of the flow of the apathy river prompted by the essential question: “What will I do with this rare human life?”

    Second Preliminary: You are Going to Die, Guaranteed

    Humans are wired in a weird way—we all start our lives with an unspoken assumption that the pain and death others experience are distant specters, while we remain immune.

    We have a knack for sticking our fingers in our ears and going “lalalalalala” when it comes to thinking about our guaranteed death. It’s an uncomfortable, even taboo subject, one we all, culturally and individually, avoid.

    But the truth is undeniable: Each of us will face our mortality, and how much time we have left can never be known.

    This second preliminary serves as a flag boldly planted proclaiming the impermanence of everything. Anything that can die, will die.

    Facing the reality of death unveils insights and benefits that transcend the fear it often instills. As we grasp the impermanence of everything, including our own bodies, it becomes clear that excess money, possessions, and even the companionship of friends cannot provide solace when we inevitably face our death.

    But paradoxically, this isn’t meant to cast a shadow of hopelessness; but instead illuminates the significance of this, and every future, moment.

    Have you ever put a project off to the last minute, having a fraction of the time you thought you’d have, only to be impressed with just how much you got done in so little time? A realistic sense of just how little time we have can do the same for your life.

    Coming to terms with the inescapable nature of our mortality becomes a potent motivator.

    Unfortunately for many people this acceptance only comes at the end of life, reflecting on how life could have been lived, if only they could have understood what’s at stake: One day, it will be the last day.

    → You can embrace this in every moment, from here on.

    Third Preliminary: Your Actions – or Inactions – Have Consequences

    Karma as it’s thrown around in our culture is often misrepresented as an ominous, mystical cosmic justice system that will punish you if you do a bad thing.

    Karma, in its essence, is the principle of cause and effect.

    As a foundation to beginning again, it’s an acknowledgment that our actions or inactions will shape the reality in which our future selves will exist.

    Starting your own business or joining a gym for the first time will not guarantee you achieve your desired outcome. Between the two versions of yourself—one who makes an effort and the other who doesn’t—the possibility of success exists only for the one who tries.

    Regardless of how “real” any self-sabotaging thoughts may seem, the third preliminary sets in stone an inarguable truth: If you don’t take action, you will only end up with outcomes that can result from inaction.

    → If there’s a change you want to make, only you can initiate the cause that results in that effect.

    Fouth Preliminary: Dedicating Your Life to Only Worldly Goals is Unfulfilling

    When we hear about goals in modern media, they often revolve around familiar aspirations: launching a business to amass wealth, climbing the corporate ladder to secure a prestigious position, purchasing a home that exudes pride and investment potential, or getting shredded to be more attractive to potential partners.

    However, as we begin again, the fourth preliminary reminds us that our goals should not be solely centered around attaining desirable possessions or status and self-worth.

    As we refocus, it’s essential to embrace that while it’s acceptable to set goals that yield such outcomes, they alone will not break the desire-fulfillment cycle.

    → Think of the emptiness of short-term pleasures, such as binge-watching TV shows or indulging in excessive eating. Focusing only on superficial goals like wealth, status, and image across a lifetime create the same result.

    Rethink Your Entire Approach with First Principles

    Now that we’ve dropped our ego and embraced a fresh restart, with some sobering reminders about the reality of life, we move to the final framework that centers not only on the why, but the how.

    First principles thinking, a popular business concept rooted in philosophy and popularized by figures like Aristotle and more recently Elon Musk, involves breaking down complex problems into their most basic elements and then reassembling them from the ground up for a holistic, previously unknown solution.

    In business, first principles thinking is used to innovate and solve problems in a radically original way. Instead of following the usual methods or traditional industry practices, leaders and entrepreneurs deconstruct ideas to their basest elements. They then rebuild these ideas from scratch, leading to innovative solutions and strategies, not encumbered by the problems of existing ones.

    A classic example of this was the wait time in an office elevator lobby. The office goers were constantly complaining about how long it took the elevator to arrive with how many people needed to get up and down during peak hours.

    The building owners looked into upgrading or replacing the elevator system but due to the limitations of the building design and the estimated cost, it was clear that wasn’t feasible.

    So the problem was reduced to its basest parts to find a solution:

    • People are angry because they have to wait too long for the elevator.
    • The speed of the elevator cannot be changed.

    That may seem like an impossible problem to solve, but the solution was ultimately super easy and affordable.

    Instead of solving the riders’ annoyance at the long wait time, the building owners installed large mirrors and televisions with the news, sports, and other content of interest.

    The elevator speed did not change – but the complaints about the wait time completely stopped. The building couldn’t solve the riders’ perceived problem (the elevator speed), but they could make the actual problem (their awareness of waiting) go away.

    As we begin again, don’t just restart the same old process you’ve been using for your goals, fitness habits, or relationships that may not have ever been able to solve the problem.

    Apply first principles thinking to your personal goals and resolutions by stripping down your goals to their most fundamental truths and reflect on new ways that may solve the problem in a more frictionless way.

    → Ask yourself, “What is the true purpose behind this goal? What do I know is true and what am I actually trying to achieve?”

    Over the next couple of weeks, we will be exploring tools and strategies that will help to begin again and refocus on what is actually important to you, using the ideas of these 3 frameworks as a foundation for dramatic and meaningful direction:

    • Simply begin again: If you realize you’ve become distracted from your habits or goals, don’t get demotivated. Clear your head and begin again.
    • All decisions and brainstorming should reflect the four preliminaries:
      • Your life is unfathomably rare, make use of it
      • You will die. Your life is shorter than it seems, act with a sense of urgency while you still can
      • The universal law of cause and effect. If you want change, you must take continual action.
      • Fulfillment is not possible from buying things or being seen as important alone. Don’t forget to anchor your ambitions to things that are not based on acquiring money, things, or status.
    • Don’t just blindly continue on a path that may not be working. Break your ambitions, goals, or problems down to their base ideas and create previously unknown, innovative solutions using first principles thinking.

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    Andrew Snavely

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  • These are the 18 Questions I've Asked Myself in My Year End Reviews for the Last 6 Years

    These are the 18 Questions I've Asked Myself in My Year End Reviews for the Last 6 Years

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    For the last 6 years I’ve been doing structured year end reflections where I review how the previous 12 months went – what worked, what didn’t, what was fulfilling, what wasn’t. Here, an original framework I laid out and republish each year. I like the solitude renting an AirBnB provides, but this can be done on a quiet morning between Christmas and New Years just as well.

    By Andrew Snavely

    When was the last time you set aside time to think? And not like choosing to daydream instead of looking at your phone while waiting at the dentist’s office – but actually planned a solid chunk of time to intentionally think?

    This was the question I presented 2 years ago when I first discussed my end of year reflection and goal-setting process in my post 18 Questions I’m Going to Ask Myself About The Last Year.

    Up until a couple of years ago, my answer to that question was “I never set aside time to think.” And the reality is, that’s the case for most of us.

    Which is crazy when you realize the side effect of that is that we’re all just kind of bouncing around, doing some life thinking in between the obligations and stresses of everyday life. Eventually thinking, “I need to eat better–like wtf,” enough times in micro-doses that hopefully we do something about it.

    But what happens when life gets more stressful? And we accumulate more responsibility? And others depend on us for care. And the economy gets rough. And health problems come up. And. And. And.

    What happens is that micro-dose thinking gets fewer and farther between, and goes from good ideas to guilt about all the things that have piled up.

    So I’ve found an incredibly freeing and inspiring way to combat this is to…plan some time to think.

    desert house airbnb

    I rent a cheap AirBnB, preferably one relatively isolated from people, and head out with just my dog Leela for a few days. While my “workcations” started as a quarterly exercise and usually also involve some type of project I’m trying to get work done on, my end of year retreats are a couple days longer and focus completely on deep dives into what I did and didn’t do over the last year, and slowly peeling away at my thoughts to try and get an honest assessment of the path I’m on.

    If I feel like I’m heading in the right direction, I make new short term goals for the new year and celebrate the wins.

    If I realize I’m feeling lost, I take a hard look at where I’ve become stagnant and start outlining possible shakeups. It’s these times that have really disrupted the homeostasis in my life – when I become aware of where I’ve become too comfortable. Or put a less polite way, when I’ve sunk into some life quicksand.

    » Read some of the outcomes of a previous year-end reflection.

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    Andrew Snavely

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  • How Does a Man Develop a Personal Style?

    How Does a Man Develop a Personal Style?

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    A straight-forward framework for anyone to build a personal style that feels authentic.

    When it comes to dressing better, it’s not just about learning a set of instructions of how to combine specific clothing pieces into “the right” outfit. The purpose of the mission is to cultivate a “personal style” that captures a snapshot of your character, cultural alignments, and values.

    It’s more than just knowing the rules of good dressing—it’s like understanding how shutter speed, aperture, and ISO work in photography is one thing, but using those tools to craft a picture that stirs emotions and narrates a story in just one image is quite another.

    Why is personal style crucial? Clothing is our silent conversation with the world. It’s how we align with certain groups and ideals and how we set ourselves apart from others. It’s our visual voice in society. Regardless of how much stock a man places in “fashion,” what we wear is a statement of self-perception and a signal to others of who we are – and you’ve definitely already experienced it.

    We showed up in middle school wearing one thing, and started seeing other things we wanted to copy. We went to high school and the process started again. Then freshman year at college; then again once a new friend group is adopted. Then again when you start working or move to a new city or start dating a new partner.

    But if this sounds like an “artistic” endeavor you just do not have the time to dedicate to figuring out, don’t get overwhelmed. The framework can be incredibly easy, mostly passive, and still rewarding.

    I chatted with Daniel Baraka, a style contributor for Primer, who knows a thing or two about creating a personal style that is classic, enduring, and uniquely his. Our framework breaks things down into:

    The 3 Stages of Personal Style Development

    man with a unique personal style featuring a green coat, multi color scarf, striped tshirt, white pants, and character tote
    Chore coat: Taylor Stitch (more here) / Scarf: Drake’s (2nd hand on eBay) / Striped T-shirt: Ralph Lauren (similar) / Jeans: Banana Republic / Socks: Harrod’s / Loafers: Baudoin & Lange (eBay) (similar)

    1. Learn the Rules

    “In the first stage, it’s very important to find inspiration. Inspiration can be found in a brand’s lookbook, current season or any past season, a movie character, or a certain era in history,” says Daniel. Choosing a category of clothing that resonates with your personal identity, like streetwear or formal wear, is crucial.

    “I think of clothing as a language, and everything you wear is sending a message. When you’re first starting, you’re just learning the rules, so you copy other people’s styles,” he explains. “Essentially, you’re kind of copying someone else’s message, copying full outfits from a movie character or a certain brand, because at this stage you’re just not good enough to come up with your own ‘sentences’.”

    Finding Your Template: Aligning with Archetypes

    “Once you pick a category that works for you and speaks to who you are, you want to learn the rules of that universe,” Daniel says.

    Start by identifying the archetypal looks that resonate with you. This could be the refined sophistication of James Bond, the New England prep of the Ivy League aesthetic, the sprezzatura in dressed-up smart casual of European menswear, or the gear-oriented rugged casualness of a retailer like Huckberry.

    These archetypes serve as templates for you to build upon; starting places from which you learn to build your own personal style on top of.

    Start thinking about the specifics of what makes these styles tick—observe the cuts, the fabric choices, what colors are used and how they’re mixed. “You start with the basic rules, like understanding silhouette, whether you’re going to tuck in your shirts or not,” Daniel explains.

    You want to understand how the sweaters, t-shirts, jackets, pants, proportions, and other common things of the sort work within this aesthetic.

    Curating Your Lookbook: Building a Visual Library

    Construct a personal lookbook composed of images and looks from various sources that call to you. Clothing brand websites, style websites, social media influencers, and movie and TV shows can be treasure troves of inspiration. Include your own looks that you create and like within your visual library.

    Capture and store these in whatever platform works best for you, whether that’s simply an album on your phone, a Pinterest board, or a more elaborate setup in an app like Notion. This visual library will become your go-to resource for style experimentation.

    A screenshot of a personal style lookbook with a Collage of six men modeling various casual and semi-casual outfits. Top left: man in light blue jeans and dark brown shoes. Top middle: man in all-black ensemble with leather jacket. Top right: man in grey blazer, light blue jeans, and white sneakers. Bottom left: man in khaki bomber jacket and grey pants. Bottom middle: man in grey jacket, white shirt, and black pants. Bottom right: man in light blue denim jacket, white shirt, and beige pants. All men are posing against neutral backdrops.A screenshot of a personal style lookbook with a Collage of six men modeling various casual and semi-casual outfits. Top left: man in light blue jeans and dark brown shoes. Top middle: man in all-black ensemble with leather jacket. Top right: man in grey blazer, light blue jeans, and white sneakers. Bottom left: man in khaki bomber jacket and grey pants. Bottom middle: man in grey jacket, white shirt, and black pants. Bottom right: man in light blue denim jacket, white shirt, and beige pants. All men are posing against neutral backdrops.

    Take note of how the outfits in your visual library match colors, play with textures, and what they do to make a look distinctly their own. It’s not just about just copying an outfit but understanding the “rules” and reasoning behind each choice. By doing this, you’re dissecting the “recipes” of style that work, which you can later modify to suit your needs.

    Primer, with our 15 years of outfit inspiration, articles, and detailed guides is an endless resource for inspiration if you find our style aligns with yours. Check out our Getup series for broken-down outfit ideas or our full Men’s Style section for more.

    Practice Makes Perfect: The Trial Phase

    Experimentation is key. Begin by imitating the outfits you’ve collected in your lookbook. Review what you’ve saved when making purchase decisions for a specific occasion or shopping sales.

    “At this stage, I would suggest sticking to as low contrast as possible in patterns, colors, and styles unless the style you’ve picked is big on contrast,” says Daniel, “Start investing in very, very strong basics that are within that universe. You want to start with the basics because these are the items you’re going to turn to the most.”

    Mix and match these inspired choices with your current wardrobe, and don’t shy away from asking for feedback.

    The goal is to practice until what you wear feels less like a costume and more like a second skin—a true reflection of your burgeoning personal style.

    man wearing sunglasses, olive chore coat, and orange floral scarfman wearing sunglasses, olive chore coat, and orange floral scarf

    Once you’re comfortable with the rules of the universe you’ve chosen, you can move on to the second stage:

    2. Break the Rules

    This stage is characterized by experimentation within the chosen aesthetic, mixing dressy clothes with casual ones, or blending different eras. It’s about exploring all four corners of your style universe and pulling together adjacent or disparate elements to see what resonates with you personally.

    Experimentation, by definition, means sometimes you will not get it right.

    Daniel points out, “This is where designers like Ralph Lauren are such masters, mixing countryside clothing with city clothing, or mixing the casual with the formal. This is where you mix different aesthetics within the universe in ways the images in the lookbook might not have done,” Daniel says.

    This stage allows for a deeper exploration of the chosen style, focusing on specific aspects one loves and making bold choices, “Like for me, I loved velvet slippers. I wore them as everyday shoes, even though they were traditionally meant for formal indoor wear,” he says

    Daniel Baraka wearing red velvet slippers with chinos, t-shirt, and camo jacketDaniel Baraka wearing red velvet slippers with chinos, t-shirt, and camo jacket
    How to Wear a Plain White T-Shirt 3 Ways and Still Be the Best Dressed Man in the Room

    Perhaps you add a tinge of western to preppy, or combine enduring menswear classic pieces with younger, trend-forward fits.

    “And then once you start to play with things around you, you see what works for you and what doesn’t. Then you create your own rules. You start making your own sentences. This is where the magic happens.“

    Daniel continues, “When I found my love of wearing velvet slippers as everyday shoes, I moved to the third stage: personalizing the rules.”

    3. Personalize the Rules

    Personalization is the pinnacle of style development. “When you’re personalizing the rules, essentially you’re saying, ‘this is something that I do,’” Daniel notes. It’s about consistency and making statements with your style choices, even if they initially seem eccentric. He shares an example of his own, “Like this outfit I have with the orange scarf, striped shirt, and olive jacket – It’s not for everyone, but it works for me.”

    Close-up of a man's torso showing layered clothing and accessories. The person wears a blue and white striped shirt under an olive green coat, accented with a colorful scarf featuring red, blue, and yellow patterns. A brown leather belt is visible around the waist of white trousers. The lighting gives a warm tone to the image, and only the person's clothed midsection is visible; their face and lower body are not in the frame.Close-up of a man's torso showing layered clothing and accessories. The person wears a blue and white striped shirt under an olive green coat, accented with a colorful scarf featuring red, blue, and yellow patterns. A brown leather belt is visible around the waist of white trousers. The lighting gives a warm tone to the image, and only the person's clothed midsection is visible; their face and lower body are not in the frame.

    These become your signature moves, akin to a chef’s unique take on a classic dish.

    Now, you’re comfortable wearing things that used to feel off-limits or not ‘you,’ simply because you were concerned about others’ opinions. As you’ve grown more confident in your personal style, what once seemed like a bold choice has become just another part of your everyday wardrobe.

    Ideally this process continues:

    “Eventually, you go back to the first stage, where you’ve created your own universe. There are rules within that universe, but now you can break those rules to keep clothing exciting. And once you break them again you’re starting to mix maybe two genres of things that you’ve come up with, the cycle continues, thus keeping clothing fun and exciting,” concludes Daniel.

    And essentially that’s the point of this whole thing: to have a personal style that feels true and representative of you, and keep life a little bit more interesting.

    “Remember, everything you wear sends a message.”

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    Andrew Snavely

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  • 5 Things Boot Camp Taught Me About Motivation – And It Might Not Be What You Think

    5 Things Boot Camp Taught Me About Motivation – And It Might Not Be What You Think

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    + How it applies to everyday life.

    Brad is a university lecturer with a master’s degree in Kinesiology and is a Certified Strength and Conditioning Specialist (CSCS) with the National Strength and Conditioning Association (NSCA). He has competed as a drug-free bodybuilder, is a cancer survivor, and a 21 year veteran of the Air National Guard. Brad has been a Primer contributor since 2011.

    Many think of motivation in a singular way. That is the act of getting up and doing the thing you want to do. The fire that is under you so you can successfully drive forward and accomplish your goals.

    There seem to be as many techniques to foster motivation as there are pithy social media quotes, in-depth blog posts, and self-help books. For some, it can be conjured up through traditional means of incentivizing while for others it can be as personal as a fingerprint. 

    brad borland wearing a uniform standing in front snow capped mountains in afghanistan
    The author in Afghanistan in 2003

    When I went through boot camp motivation wasn’t hard to come by. One couldn’t afford to not be a motivated individual in a large group working toward a common goal. Military training has motivation built in but requires your best efforts to be sustained and effective.

    1. Narrow focus

    When we showed up to boot camp we quickly were instructed to put away our personal belongings as we were issued uniforms, taken to the BX for personal hygiene items, and basically stripped away of any and all identifiable belongings.

    Overnight our lives became incredibly simple. More challenging, but simple. We quickly adopted a singular focus on what we needed to do each minute of the day.

    Get up, PT, shower, shave, eat, train, drill, classes, clean, and whatever else we needed to get done.

    Basic training was an extreme exercise in simplified focus. It did, however, provide a hidden perk. It made being motivated much easier. We didn’t have worldly distractions to derail us. We didn’t have the luxury of putting things off, getting sucked into a show, or having technology entertain us. We were feverishly engaged in the tasks at hand.

    Apply it

    The modern world isn’t short on distraction. In fact, boredom is now referred to as a net negative. Since we have supercomputers in our pockets now, we can easily stave off boredom and become blissfully distracted at all times. Unfortunately, this habit has seeped into our work and personal lives as well. We are losing our ability to focus on one task for more than a few minutes.

    Now with many people owning multiple devices: phones, tablets, laptops, streaming services, podcasts, social media sites, etc., we are becoming a more distracted society by the minute.

    The motivation to do something great has no room to flourish. Simplify. Make it a priority to set aside time for scrolling, stick to an organized schedule, leave your phone on silent, block time-wasting apps, and grapple back your attention–it’s yours after all.

    Get focus back into your life and you will naturally cultivate more motivation to do the things that take priority and are important. 

    2. The pressure of teamwork

    Normally, people will think of motivation from an individual perspective–internal, personal, and self-driving. But boot camp places you in a very unique environment. Yes, you are an individual and have personal responsibilities and tasks to complete, but you’re ultimately a part of a bigger mission.

    Not only do you have a unified goal to achieve you also must perform your assignments as an integral part of a larger group. You have others that rely on you–that look to you to do your part. This, in turn, results in a synergistic energy that cultivates motivation. It is a kind of pressure to hold up your end. To do your job and do it well.

    There becomes an unwritten but well-known rule that you must perform at a certain level because everyone else is. It’s a healthy, motivating pressure to do your best because others are relying on you. 

    risograph of two overlaid images of soldiers in bootcamp, one with a yelling superior officerrisograph of two overlaid images of soldiers in bootcamp, one with a yelling superior officer

    Apply it

    You don’t need to be in the military to subject yourself to motivational teamwork. One of the most important aspects of doing good work is placing yourself in the right kind of atmosphere. One that promotes a certain level of performance and lends itself to that healthy form of pressure to do your very best work.

    Being a part of any team should demand that you become an important member who possesses unique skills and abilities that ultimately contribute to the team’s success. You cross the finish line together. In this age of individualism and self-promotion, it’s tougher to come by people who want to surrender themselves to the betterment of the team, but if you put away the ego and think of the common goal for the group, you’ll find that motivation is easier to achieve. Be a team player, offer up your unique skills, and allow yourself to be pushed by that mutual environment. 

    3. Extreme ownership

    It may seem a bit hypocritical to list extreme ownership as a tool for motivation just after we mentioned teamwork, but there is a strong connection. Without the individual effort of doing a good job, the team will suffer as a result.

    In boot camp yes, you are a part of the bigger picture, but you still have the burden of owning up to your individual responsibilities that ultimately benefit the group. I say burden with an asterisk. Without some form of burden, motivation is nonexistent. Much like the pressure felt from the team environment, you will need to take personal ownership of your job.

    And this goes for screwing up too. In the military, individuals will be called out for their lack of performance. That’s why it’s imperative to get used to the idea of taking full responsibility for your failures even when things out of your control contributed. 

    pull quote from article with weathered red text on paper texture that reads "Without some form of burden, motivation is nonexistent."pull quote from article with weathered red text on paper texture that reads "Without some form of burden, motivation is nonexistent."

    Apply it

    This extreme type of ownership is as important in the civilian workforce. Take the time to learn your position in an organization, and always improve your skills so that you become an asset to the team. Work to become a unique piece to the puzzle but never lose sight of the bigger picture.

    This even goes for owning up to failures. We live in a blaming society. Our instinct is to often try to find some outside influence that leads to our mess up. Whether it’s another person or some circumstance out of our control we find comfort in being void of blame. However, if you apply extreme ownership to those failures, more than likely you’ll become someone seen as a highly honest, mature, and responsible individual. 

    → Read more: Extreme Ownership by Jocko Willink & Leif Babin

    4. Healthy comparison

    risograph dual exposure of a sitting disappointed soldier and a standing confident soldierrisograph dual exposure of a sitting disappointed soldier and a standing confident soldier

    They say that comparison is the thief of joy, but when thrown into a barracks full of others who are striving for the same things you will naturally tend to compare your work to theirs. Whether it was making the perfect hospital corners on our racks, folding our T-shirts into perfect six-inch squares, being the most accurate during marksman training, or trying to finish the timed run ahead of the pack, there can be such a thing as a healthy comparison.

    You can also call this competition, but let’s face it, we are always comparing our work to others. Being around others and personally experiencing how your peers are performing can go a long way when you need motivation. 

    Apply it

    When you use comparison in a healthy way with the sole intent of improving your own skill and abilities then it can become a welcomed ally. This is especially true when you’re a young start-up and take on an apprentice role. Looking at the more skilled and seasoned workers around you and seeing how things are done, processes are carried out, and expectations to uphold is like going to class on your feet. You can’t beat the instant and personal lessons of being around others and experiencing how things work firsthand. Of course, you’ll eventually blaze your own trail, but in the beginning, let comparison motivate you to grow and get better. 

    The words “competition” and “comparison” have different linguistic roots, but they share some common elements in their etymology.

    • “Competition” comes from the Latin word “competere,” which is a combination of “com” (together) and “petere” (to seek or strive). So, “competition” essentially means people or entities coming together to seek or strive for a common goal, often involving rivalry or contest.
    • “Comparison” also has Latin origins, derived from the word “comparare,” which is a combination of “com” (together) and “parare” (to make ready or prepare). In this case, “comparison” refers to the act of putting things together in order to make them ready for assessment or evaluation, typically to identify similarities or differences.

    5. Pride

    One of the best motivators around is having a sense of pride in your work. Boot camp had pride built into it. The feeling of committing to the military and your country, the history and lineage that you have the honor of carrying on, and the honest hard work you have the opportunity to exercise are ever-present.

    One example in particular had to do with our drill instructors. At first, our instructors were people you wanted to avoid at all costs. You never wanted to draw special attention to yourself. In particular, I turned 18 in boot camp. I didn’t tell a soul. However, near the end, everyone was proud of their time with the instructors. We had the utmost respect for them and would do anything for them. Our pride fostered motivation. 

    Apply it

    Take pride in all that you do. There’s a saying that you should do your best work even when no one is looking. Have pride in your work, in your relationships, in your home life, and in how you care for yourself and others.

    Pride will lead to higher expectations you’ll have for yourself. It will compound over time into increased work quality, deeper relationships, and improved self-worth.

    In turn, you will naturally become more motivated to uphold your new standard and it will rub off on others. Your motivation will become second nature. 

    One of the common threads throughout all the points above is that motivation doesn’t have to be something you work towards alone. Look around. Surround yourself with others who are as motivated as you want to be, take ownership of the good and bad that happen, learn from others, reduce distractions, and take pride in all you do. Over time your motivation will skyrocket without any self-help guru hack. 

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    Brad Borland

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  • How To Get Back Up After Life Knocks You Down

    How To Get Back Up After Life Knocks You Down

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    A proven 4-step process to help you rise from the ashes.

    Two things are true about life.

    No. 1: It will knock you down.

    No. 2: You can choose to get back up.

    “Success is not final, failure is not fatal: It is the courage to continue that counts.” — Winston Churchill

    I’ve had periods in life where I took more hits than an average cow carcass in a Rocky Balboa movie.

    My business lost 90% of its revenue. My childhood trauma resurfaced. My ex told me she wanted to move in together and marry me, then left without an explanation. All within a year. It knocked the air out of my lungs like taking a bowling ball to the stomach.

    Surprise, overwhelm, anxiety, bitterness, desperation, anger, fear – I knew them all too well.

    The shit life throws at you is bad by itself, but what makes it ten times worse is not knowing how to shovel it.

    When you lack a clear path forward, you don’t see a way out. Your fears keep telling you it will stay like this forever. And if you don’t do something, it will.

    But do you know what’s funny?

    Today, I’m grateful for all that happened because it made me grow massively.

    With a clear path ahead and the right mindset, you’ll be able to rebuild yourself – stronger, wiser, better, and happier.

    Here’s how.

    Step #1: Achieve True Acceptance

    Acceptance comes before change.

    After my ex broke up with me, it took me almost two years to make it part of my reality. Until then, I was still hooked on the old relationship.

    I thought I could’ve done more, would never find someone like her again, and blamed myself for everything that happened – the whole nine yards.

    This meant I wasted insane amounts of time and energy ruminating about the past. I turned down beautiful women who wanted to connect with me. My hands were full with old stories, so I had no space for new ones.

    Rationally, I understood what happened, but true acceptance doesn’t happen on a rational level – it happens on an emotional, spiritual, and energetical one.

    “Acceptance doesn’t mean resignation; it means understanding that something is what it is and there’s got to be a way through it.” — Michael J. Fox

    The ego will shut you off from your emotions to protect you. But this creates an inner conflict. One part will want to stay down in the ditch, the other will want you to climb out.

    Allow yourself to feel. Make the painful realizations. Don’t run from the uncomfortable emotions, don’t numb them, don’t smoke or drink them away.

    Sit with them instead, experience the frustration, and bawl your eyes out. Allow yourself to feel down and experience the dark places.

    If you’re neck-deep in shit, accept it fully.

    Everything else is lying to yourself.

    A silhouette of a person standing by a body of water at dusk, with the setting sun creating a warm glow on the horizon. Reflected light dances on the water's surface. Overlaid text offers advice on emotional health, urging the reader to confront rather than avoid difficult feelings without resorting to substances for escape.

    Step #2: Accept The Invitation

    When my client went bankrupt, they owed me over $6000.

    I’ll never see a penny of that money I earned with hard and honest work.

    I cursed. I got angry – first with them, then with myself. I slipped into a victim mindset, asking why this happened to me.

    In essence, I did what we all do every day – I assigned a label to an event before knowing its full consequences.

    When you look at our language, you’ll realize how dominant either/or thinking is. Good or bad. Hot or cold. Up or down. Love or hate. Bright or dark. We create this duality, every day.

    But this means we often jump to conclusions prematurely.

    The client who couldn’t pay me turned out to be the much-needed kick in the butt that forced me to change my business. A year later, I operate on another level, doing work I enjoy much more for a bigger paycheck.

    This change was worth way more than $6000.

    When I realized this, I also realized the event hadn’t changed at all – I did.

    “When you come out of the storm, you won’t be the same person who walked in. That’s what the storm is all about.” — Haruki Murakami

    Nothing is good or bad per se. It’s what you make of it. All of it is part of your path.

    The tough stretches are life’s way of saying, “You’re strong enough, you’ve got so much more ahead of you, you can live up to your full potential.” I know you don’t want shit to hit the fan. You want to live in peace.

    But that’s not how life works.

    The sucker punches are part of it, whether we like it or not.

    Ask yourself the following:

    • “What growth can come of this?”
    • “What baggage does this allow me to let go of?”

    The sooner you accept life’s invitation, the better.

    Step #3: Overcome Your Ego

    A few years ago, I read a sentence from popular self-help blogger Mark Manson that now lives rent-free in my mind.

    “Not everything’s your fault, but everything is your responsibility.”

    It wasn’t my fault that my client went bankrupt.

    It wasn’t my fault that the guy I’d been friends with for years started flirting with my girl.

    It wasn’t my fault a reckless driver hit me while cycling and sent me flying through the air like a tent in a hurricane.

    But it was my responsibility to learn from it.

    When life hits you in the nuts, you feel powerless.

    You lose control. Things happen you don’t want to happen and you can’t do anything about it. Taking responsibility gives you that power back.

    But learning from your mistakes requires you to let go of the ego.

    You’ll have to realize what you did wrong, what toxic patterns you engaged in, and what you contributed to the situation.

    A simple reframe is to see mistakes as something admirable, something that causes growth.

    I often ask myself, “If for each mistake and learning I can identify, I get one bonus point – how many can I find?”

    Don’t self-loathe or set unrealistic expectations. Don’t blame yourself for what happened. Just take responsibility.

    You have the choice and the ability to do better next time.

    Realize how powerful that makes you.

    Step #4: Rebuild The Right Way

    I recently asked my friend a stupid simple question.

    “How do you build a house?”

    After some laughs, we got our German, efficiency-focused minds together.

    “You first dig a hole, then build a sturdy foundation in it.”

    The good news is if you want to rebuild yourself, life already dug the hole for you. All that’s left for you is to put in the basic structures.

    When you hit rock bottom, the smallest goal can seem like a massive mountain you have no idea how to climb. I used to work 10-hour days, hit the gym, and read daily. After my business lost most of its revenue, I had trouble getting out of bed and brushing my teeth.

    But small steps build momentum.

    Instead of trying to do everything at once again, I pushed myself to research one article, do one minute of meditation, and leave the house once per day.

    “Standardize before you optimize.” – James Clear

    The wheel started turning again and got faster with every little effort.

    Most people think you rise to the sky magically after life knocks you down.

    But the climb is tough and you’re exhausted.

    Focus on the basics. Stack the small wins. Get moving.

    Build the right foundation and everything else will come on top easily.

    silhouette of a man in front of a sunsetsilhouette of a man in front of a sunset

    Summary To Help You Rise From The Ashes Quickly

    Hard times are rarely fun.

    They’re messy. They’re painful. They bring you to your limits.

    But they also have a silver lining.

    Like a forest fire, they destroy everything– but leave the soil full of nutrients and plants ready to regrow.

    Life gives you hard times because you’re strong enough to make it through them. And with a little guidance and perspective, you will.

    1. Practice true acceptance on an emotional, spiritual, and energetical level.
    2. Accept life’s invitation to grow and realize what good can come of it.
    3. Let go of your ego so you can see your mistakes clearly and learn from them.
    4. Rebuild yourself by focusing on the basics and building momentum step by step.

    “The world breaks everyone, and afterward, some are strong at the broken places.” — Ernest Hemingway

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    Moreno Zugaro

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