GOFFSTOWN, NH—With critics calling the former president’s highly anticipated town hall a “disgrace” for all involved,” Donald Trump was widely condemned Thursday for giving a platform to CNN. “It was dangerous, irresponsible, and downright disgusting for President Trump to provide CNN with a large national audience like that,” said media critic Greg Polinsky, who added that Trump was effectively rewarding the news network for the bad behavior it had exhibited going back to its coverage of his 2016 presidential campaign. “Like everyone in America, CNN has a right to free speech, but that doesn’t mean Trump should help it promote yet another sensationalized ratings grab. It isn’t right for a former president of the United States to legitimize their journalistic malpractice like that.” Polinsky went on to object to Trump’s agreement to participate in an unfiltered live-broadcast format, which doesn’t give CNN’s shoddy reporting an opportunity to be put into context.
Trump Takes Out Full-Page Newspaper Ad Calling For Death Penalty For Himself
NEW YORK—Explaining that the matter could at long last be put to rest, the nation’s major news outlets announced Thursday that this week’s indictment of the former president would finally close the chapter on media coverage of Donald Trump. “Now that he’s been indicted, Mr. Trump can’t possibly have any future in American public life, so we’ve decided to wrap things up,” said CNN CEO Chris Licht, noting that Trump would soon be arraigned in a Manhattan court on more than 30 charges of fraud, a development that seemed to represent the final nail in the coffin for entire news cycles centered around a man who has been out of office more than two years. “We followed the thread as long as we could, from the free publicity we provided him with during his first run for president to the shock we feigned when he attempted to overthrow an election. But after eight years of nonstop coverage, we feel it would be irresponsible of us as journalists to continue our exhaustive reporting on a story that has clearly reached an end.” Licht added that CNN would now pivot to issues of greater news value, like the cheating scandal on Vanderpump Rules.
PALM BEACH, FL—Responding to the news that the Manhattan District Attorney had indicted him over payments to adult film actress Stormy Daniels, former President Donald Trump denounced the move Friday, telling reporters, “All arrests are politically motivated, as the legal system is the codified exercise of political power.” “This indictment is obviously an attempt by the Democrats to use against me the complex webs of power relations that influence the nature of rights and consequences in a given society and that we conceptualize as a legal system,” Trump said before quoting verbatim a passage from political philosopher Michel Foucault that reads, “The judges of normality are present everywhere. We are in the society of the teacher-judge, the doctor-judge, the educator-judge, the ‘social-worker’-judge; it is on them that the universal reign of the normative is based.” “This is nothing more than a political witch hunt carried out by corrupt Democratic officials using the law as a political cudgel, as it intrinsically is, because what is the law but a system by which the powerful may enforce adherence to certain rules and strictures among the less powerful? These Soros-backed Manhattanites are using the United States legal system as clarified in the landmark 1803 case Marbury v. Madison—which established the Constitution, and therefore America’s legal system, as not merely a set of principles but as the actual law of the land—to target me for what they claim is a violation of those laws. Yet I remind them that until now no American president has ever been indicted, which is as clear an example of the politically charged nature of the law as I can think of. Legal positivism, as understood by Jeremy Bentham and others, tells us that there is not necessarily a connection between morality and the law, and so it follows that a so-called lawbreaking act that may be considered punishable in some cases is left unpunished in others. Is that discrepancy not, then, a question of political power? For even such an act as taking another human life is deemed effectively above the law in some cases, if we are to follow the Schmittian logic of the sovereign state of exception. What these partisan hacks need to get through their thick skulls is that political concerns are permitted, by general agreement, or at least by the threat of state violence standing in for democratic accord, to make legal structures and consequences selectively applicable. But this is just another example of big-city legal departments wielding the law for political aims. I mean, seriously, just look at how the law is selectively enforced on the Black populations of U.S. cities, with arrest and incarceration rates far outstripping those of whites. The critical race theories of Derrick Bell, Kimberlé Williams Crenshaw, and others are instructive on this point, positing that legal progress for Black people only occurs when it converges with the political interests of the white elite. Of course, I’d expect nothing less from a sad, declining country where political power grows out of the barrel of a gun.” At press time, numerous Republican officials, including Sen. Lindsey Graham, Rep. Matt Gaetz, and Rep. Kevin McCarthy, had come out in agreement that Trump’s arrest was politically motivated by tweeting passages on legal relativism from TheCommon Law by the late Supreme Court justice Oliver Wendell Holmes.
Inspiring Woman Becomes Professional Surfer Despite Shark Biting Head Off
Former President Donald Trump is being mocked over his “major announcement” that he’s selling $99 limited-edition digital trading cards featuring himself depicted as a superhero and astronaut among other characters. What do you think?
“Sometimes I wish I wasn’t so committed to giving him all my money.”
Tyler Larsen, Toilet Flusher
“Wow, there’s no way Trump could salvage his political career after doing something that gets mocked!”
Fiona Adamzik, Display Dismantler
“Trade you two DeSantises and a rookie Bret Baier.”
Donald Trump’s real estate company has been found guilty on all 17 charges of tax fraud and other crimes related to a 15-year-long criminal scheme to defraud tax authorities. What do you think?
“It’ll take more than that to tarnish the Trump name.”
Ana Patterson, Classifieds Editor
“There’s no way the Trump Organization can run for president now.”
The Supreme Court rejected an emergency appeal from former President Donald Trump seeking to shield his tax returns from House Democrats, capping a three-year legal battle and paving the way for the release of his tax returns. What do you think?
“Just in time for it to make a difference.”
Benny Aiello, Shed Architect
“Luckily he doesn’t have a history of shady financial behavior.”
Ron McElhaney, Unemployed
“What kind of respectable billionaire files their taxes?”
PALM BEACH, FL—Shaking her head in anger and disbelief as she scanned the invoice, Tiffany Trump reportedly received a bill from the Mar-a-Lago Club Tuesday charging her the full venue price for her wedding. “$95,000 for catering? Are you fucking kidding me?” said the 29-year-old Trump, who noted that the wedding cake looked nothing like the one she ordered and that the food “hadn’t even been that good.” “My dad insisted that I have the wedding here, so I assumed it would all be paid for. I didn’t even get a discount! God, they just gouged me on everything. They charged me $20,000 for a DJ, but I didn’t even have a DJ there! And what the hell is a napkin fee? I don’t know how I’m going to be able to afford this. I’m going to have to ask my dad for money.” At press time, reports confirmed Tiffany Trump was furious after discovering she had been charged a $1.5 million speaking fee for her father’s wedding toast.
The House Select Committee investigating the Jan. 6 Capitol riot concluded its ninth and potentially final hearing last week with a subpoena of former President Donald Trump. The Onion polled all 330 million Americans for their predictions on what will be the most significant outcome of the Jan. 6 hearings.