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Tag: Relationships

  • How Fathers Positively Impact Their Children’s Lives

    How Fathers Positively Impact Their Children’s Lives

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    Fathers fill a role in every child’s life that no one else can. This role can significantly impact a child’s development and help shape him or her into the person they will become in the future. Fathers, like mothers, play an important role in the emotional development of their children. Children look to their fathers to establish and enforce ground rules. They also look to their fathers to provide both physical and emotional security.

    Children want to please their fathers, and an involved father encourages inner growth and strength. A child’s cognitive and social development is immensely influenced when the father is affectionate and supportive. It also promotes overall well-being and self-confidence. As we grow, fathers shape not only who we are on the inside but also how we interact with others. What a child looks for in other people is influenced by how he was treated by his father.

    Friends, lovers, and spouses will all be chosen based on how the child perceives the meaning of the father’s relationship. A father’s behavioral patterns in his relationships with his children will influence how his children interact with others. Young girls rely on their fathers for emotional and physical security. Besides physical security, a father demonstrates to his daughter the benefits of having a good relationship with a man. If a father is gentle and loving, his daughter will seek those qualities in men when she is old enough to start dating. And if a father is strong and supportive, his daughter will be drawn to similar men.

    Boys emulate their fathers’ personalities as well. From a young age, they seek approval from their fathers subconsciously. We grow up as humans by imitating the behavior of those around us; this is how we learn to function in the world. If a father is kind and respectful to others, his sons will be similarly raised. When a father is absent, young boys look to other male figures for guidance on how to behave and survive in the world.

    Reasons Why Children Require Fathers

    Having two loving parents in their lives benefits children. Whether their father is still living in the family home or their parents have divorced, fathers play a vital role in raising their children. There are so many advantages to having a father actively involved in a child’s life that it’s worth reviewing the advantages and remembering why it’s important for children to spend quality time with their father.

    1. For fun and friendship 

    Fathers engage in more physical and vigorous play with their children. They have more physical contact and spend more of their time playing. How fathers interact with their children improves their coordination and ability to control their strength. Children who have an involved father are likely to have better social skills and more intimate friendships with less conflict.

    2. To maintain equilibrium

    Proverbs 22:6 “Train up a child in the way he should go, and when he is old, he will not depart from it.”  

    Children benefit from having two parents with opposing viewpoints and personalities. Having both parents with diverse strengths, weaknesses, and perspectives helps children grow up more well-rounded.

    3. To help them understand men 

    Children can best learn about manliness by watching male role models. And a father is uniquely suited to be that role model. This is especially true for boys over the age of six. They learn the male tendencies to protect, provide, educate and establish firm boundaries. Fathers are responsible for demonstrating to children that real men can be self-sufficient, do housework, and hug and kiss their children! And they see how men dress, eat, and grow stubble on their chins differently!

    4. To further improve their education

    Responsible fathers are interested in their children’s education. When children see their fathers regularly, they are more likely to perform well in school. Dads instill in their children the value of education and how to succeed. One of the most important factors influencing how well girls perform academically is their father’s faith in them. When fathers are involved in their children’s education, they are more likely to get good grades, enjoy school, and participate in extracurricular activities. 

    5. For good mental health and self-esteem

    Children who have an actively involved father are less likely to suffer from depression, suicide, self-harm, and other mental health issues than those who do not. Children who despise their fathers will experience far more mental and emotional problems as they grow older. Children’s self-esteem is heavily influenced by their father’s time and attention. Spending time with a father can improve a child’s self-esteem. The more fathers interact with their children, the more influence they have. 

    When children do not have a father figure in their lives, they experience guilt, upset, and self-doubt well into adulthood.

    Ways for Dads to Have a Positive Influence on Their Children

    1. Make yourself available and approachable to them

    Fathers must make time in their busy schedules to give their children their undivided attention. Children who have emotionally available parents outperform their peers in terms of social, academic, and well-being outcomes. We can lose sight of the fact that our children are people, especially as they mature into intensely private, hormonal adolescents. We become dismissive or disapproving, snappy, and snarky. By responding to our children warmly, even when we don’t feel like it, we demonstrate that we value them as people rather than as inconvenient nuisances.

    A gentle touch, a smile, or soft words warm up a relationship and increase the likelihood that we will be heard and have a positive influence on our children’s lives. You must love them unconditionally and demonstrate your love for them through your actions and the way you communicate with them. The love you have for your children is what they will remember for most of their lives as they grow up.

    2. Teach them the ways of the Lord

    As a father, you are the ultimate teacher and the figure your child will look to as they grow up. This automatically makes it your responsibility to teach them the ways of the Lord. 

    Introducing them to the words of God and teaching them to have faith in God and live according to his commands will make you a responsible spiritual mentor and make your life much easier as a parent. 

    Proverbs 22:17-19 “Bow down thine ear, and hear the words of the wise, and apply thine heart unto my knowledge. For it is a pleasant thing if thou keep them within thee; they shall withal be fitted in thy lips. That thy trust may be in the Lord, I have made known to thee this day, even to thee.”

    3. Be fair to them and learn to set boundaries

    Fairness is a strength that helps us maintain positive family relationships. Children have a keen sense of what is fair and what is not. Find as many ways as you can to help your children perceive your efforts to make life more equitable for everyone in the family. You might think about chores and responsibilities, pocket money, and spending time with you.

    Also, learn to set boundaries. Our children, including our teenagers, perform best when their behavior is checked. The children will frequently argue with you. Setting limits indicates that you are having a positive influence on your children. The goal is to avoid becoming too authoritarian, which will drive undesirable behavior underground.

    4. Learn to listen without always trying to fix them

    Parents are, without a doubt, excellent problem solvers. We can mend sprained ankles, broken hearts, tangled friendships, and even solve homework assignments. But, sometimes, our children do not require us to fix them. They want us to listen and understand what they are going through. We are more understanding—and more likely to be listened to—when we see the world through their eyes.

    5. Set high but reasonable goals

    Parents who set high expectations for their children tend to have children who live up to those expectations, as long as they are communicated warmly within reasonable boundaries and we have our children’s (rather than our own) best interests in mind.

    Set high standards for academic achievement, morality, alcohol and drug use, and friendships. You will have a long-lasting positive influence on your children and their decisions if you do it with warmth and kindness.

    6. Tell them about your difficulties

    Don’t act as if you’re immune to life’s difficulties because you’re a man. Instead, explain some of your difficulties to your children. Give them insight into how you solve problems. Demonstrate to them that good things do not come easy; they require hard work, sacrifice, and a great deal of discipline. 

    As a father, your resilience in the face of adversity can have a tremendous positive impact on the lives of your children.

    Photo Credit: ©Getty Images/yacobchuk

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  • How Does the Bible Caution Us about Toxic People?

    How Does the Bible Caution Us about Toxic People?

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    “Do not be misled: ‘Bad company corrupts good character’” (1 Corinthians 15:33).

    The word “toxic” evokes an image of something poisonous that poses a danger to anyone who approaches it. We often use this word in relation to chemicals and waste matter. Every once in a while, though, a person can be described this way.

    Like signs that caution us not to touch hazardous material, Scripture warns us about the danger of spending time with someone who can spread false and destructive beliefs. Part of the problem is the actual behavior they display. But perhaps the more concerning issue is how easily their attitudes can contaminate those around them.

    What Is a Toxic Person?

    Being toxic goes beyond being disagreeable or even troublesome. In fact, one definition of the term reads, “very harmful or unpleasant in a pervasive or insidious way.” This points to the seriousness of having someone toxic in our lives: not only can they affect our mood by what they do and say, but their negative spirit can end up bringing our hearts down as well.

    In the Old Testament book of Proverbs, we find cautions about getting too closely connected to someone with a noxious personality because of the trouble it brings to us:

    “A troublemaker and a villain, who goes about with a corrupt mouth, who winks maliciously with his eye, signals with his feet and motions with his fingers, who plots evil with deceit in his heart — he always stirs up conflict. Therefore disaster will overtake him in an instant; he will suddenly be destroyed — without remedy” (Proverbs 6:12-15).

    “Walk with the wise and become wise, for a companion of fools suffers harm” (Proverbs 13:20).

    “Do not make friends with a hot-tempered person, do not associate with one easily angered, or you may learn their ways and get yourself ensnared” (Proverbs 22:24-25).

    What the Bible Says about Toxic People

    Scripture tells us repeatedly that a person’s true beliefs will eventually show themselves in an outward way. Jesus Himself spoke of the connection between toxic thoughts and toxic behavior.

    “He went on: ‘What comes out of a person is what defiles them.  For it is from within, out of a person’s heart, that evil thoughts come — sexual immorality, theft, murder, adultery, greed, malice, deceit, lewdness, envy, slander, arrogance and folly. All these evils come from inside and defile a person’” (Mark 7:20-23).

    Many times, a toxic person has lived that way for so long, he or she is unaware of their heart condition. That can lead someone to believe they are always right, and to freely express all their opinions.

    “Those who consider themselves religious and yet do not keep a tight rein on their tongues deceive themselves, and their religion is worthless” (James 1:26).

    If confronted about it, that person might not see the problem with their thoughts or actions. So, they may not respond well to correction, even given in love – at least at first.

    “‘I will instruct you and teach you in the way you should go; I will counsel you with my loving eye on you. Do not be like the horse or the mule, which have no understanding but must be controlled by bit and bridle or they will not come to you’” (Psalm 32:8-9).

    Verses and Examples of Toxic People in Scripture

    God’s Word gives us examples of those who not only disregarded His Ways, but openly tried to turn others against Him. Some were willing to repent and become aligned again with the Lord, but others stubbornly kept to their ways and suffered the consequences.

    King Saul

    “He was prophesying in his house, while David was playing the lyre, as he usually did. Saul had a spear in his hand and he hurled it, saying to himself, ‘I’ll pin David to the wall.’ But David eluded him twice” (1 Samuel 18:10-11).

    “Now Saul’s daughter Michal was in love with David, and when they told Saul about it, he was pleased. ‘I will give her to him,’ he thought, ‘so that she may be a snare to him and so that the hand of the Philistines may be against him’” (1 Samuel 18:20-21).

    The Pharisees

    “‘Woe to you, teachers of the law and Pharisees, you hypocrites! You shut the door of the kingdom of heaven in people’s faces. You yourselves do not enter, nor will you let those enter who are trying to’” (Matthew 23:13).

    “Then the Pharisees went out and laid plans to trap him in his words” (Matthew 22:15).

    Some at the End Times 

    “But mark this: There will be terrible times in the last days. People will be lovers of themselves, lovers of money, boastful, proud, abusive, disobedient to their parents, ungrateful, unholy, without love, unforgiving, slanderous, without self-control, brutal, not lovers of the good, treacherous, rash, conceited, lovers of pleasure rather than lovers of God — having a form of godliness but denying its power. Have nothing to do with such people” (2 Timothy 3:1-5).

    As Christians, How Should We Respond to Toxic People in Our Lives?

    God is passionate about protecting the purity of His people, and yet hopes that all will eventually come to repentance. So while He calls us to reach out to and show His love to all we meet, the Lord warns us not to let ourselves be contaminated in the process. But it is a challenging balance to strike.

    Part of that balance has to do with staying strong in our own faith. Studying God’s Word daily and fellowshipping with other believers are just two activities that keep us aligned with Him. When we have a strong foundation, ministering to others becomes another way to worship the Lord.

    Some verses instruct us to keep seeking the good of others, no matter what their manner toward us might be.

    “‘…bless those who curse you, pray for those who mistreat you’” (Luke 6:28).

    “Do not repay evil with evil or insult with insult. On the contrary, repay evil with blessing, because to this you were called so that you may inherit a blessing” (1 Peter 3:9).

    Another way to maintain the right balance in this area is to keep our personal boundaries healthy and secure. If we become too weary or tempted, our own faith could be at risk. So, while working for the good of others, we must respect our needs, too.

    “Therefore, dear friends, since you have been forewarned, be on your guard so that you may not be carried away by the error of the lawless and fall from your secure position” (2 Peter 3:17).

    And in the end, we must give others the respect of making their own choices, and realize that God will decide their fate.

    “Or do you not know that wrongdoers will not inherit the kingdom of God? Do not be deceived: Neither the sexually immoral nor idolaters nor adulterers nor men who have sex with men nor thieves nor the greedy nor drunkards nor slanderers nor swindlers will inherit the kingdom of God. And that is what some of you were. But you were washed, you were sanctified, you were justified in the name of the Lord Jesus Christ and by the Spirit of our God” (1 Corinthians 6:9-11).

    Is God’s Grace Sufficient for the Toxic People in Our Lives?

    When people are willing to be honest, self-aware and humble, God’s grace is more than enough do a life-altering work in them. He longs to be asked into someone’s heart, so He can help them become more like Christ.

    “For God so loved the world that he gave his one and only Son, that whoever believes in him shall not perish but have eternal life” (John 3:16).

    God often works through His people as well:

    “For you were once darkness, but now you are light in the Lord. Live as children of light (for the fruit of the light consists in all goodness, righteousness and truth) and find out what pleases the Lord. Have nothing to do with the fruitless deeds of darkness, but rather expose them” (Ephesians 5:8-11).

    “If your brother or sister sins against you, rebuke them; and if they repent, forgive them. Even if they sin against you seven times in a day and seven times come back to you saying ‘I repent,’ you must forgive them” (Luke 17:3-4).

    Though we may long to help even the most toxic people, we must protect our own well-being. As we decide whether to actively reach out to them, or to quietly keep them in prayer, we must look to God to help us keep our faith pure and strong in the process.

    In Psalms 101, David declares a pledge that we can say for ourselves:

    “I will not look with approval on anything that is vile. I hate what faithless people do; I will have no part in it. The perverse of heart shall be far from me; I will have nothing to do with what is evil. Whoever slanders their neighbor in secret, I will put to silence; whoever has haughty eyes and a proud heart, I will not tolerate. My eyes will be on the faithful in the land, that they may dwell with me; the one whose walk is blameless will minister to me. No one who practices deceit will dwell in my house; no one who speaks falsely will stand in my presence” (Psalm 101:3-7).

    Photo credit: ©Getty Images/kieferpix

    Heather Adams is an author, speaker, and singer living in Connecticut. Heather’s passion is to equip and encourage believers to seek more of God’s truth and to experience more of His joy each day. Her book, Bow Down: The Heart of a True Worshipper is a practical, 30-day devotional about worship based on the writings of King David. Heather’s blog, Worship Walk Ministries, offers weekly Scripture passages and insights to ponder. A native New Englander, Heather is settling into her home in the South, trying out local foods and watching for the alligators that live nearby! You can connect with her on her website: heatheradamsworshipwalk.com

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    Heather Adams

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  • 5 Reasons It’s Important to Know Your Spouse’s Love Language

    5 Reasons It’s Important to Know Your Spouse’s Love Language

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    In the book The Five Love Languages, author Gary Chapman helps readers understand their spouses better by revealing the five ways in which they give and receive love: quality time, access service, gifts, words of affirmation, and physical touch. The longer a couple has been married, the more difficult it can be to express love and intimacy to each other. It is important to know your spouse’s love language and express it often. If you have difficulty identifying which love language your spouse needs most, understand that your spouse gives love the way they like to receive love. 

    Here are five reasons it’s important to know your spouse’s love language: 

    1. It Increases the Bond of Intimacy

    The marriage relationship is perhaps one of the most intimate relationships we can have. When we love others deeply, more than likely they will love us deeply as well. The love we receive meets those deep emotional needs for connection and intimacy we were created to have here on earth. Giving and receiving love in a deep way increases communication which, in turn, strengthens the bond of intimacy created between a loving couple. 

    2. It Is Your Duty to Love Your Spouse

    Ephesians 5:22-28 is perhaps one of the most commonly quoted passages to marriage, but it does serve as a blueprint for the way husbands and wives should treat each other: “Wives, submit yourselves to your own husbands as you do to the Lord. For the husband is the head of the wife as Christ is the head of the church, his body, of which he is the Savior. Now as the church submits to Christ, so also wives should submit to their husbands in everything. Husbands, love your wives, just as Christ loved the church and gave himself up for her to make her holy, cleansing her by the washing with water through the word,  and to present her to himself as a radiant church, without stain or wrinkle or any other blemish, but holy and blameless.  In this same way, husbands ought to love their wives as their own bodies. He who loves his wife loves himself.” 

    We are not instructed to love others the way we want to be loved but rather loving others with no strings attached. That is the unconditional love God gives to us, and he wants us to give that to our spouses. By speaking their love language, your spouse will understand that you make your marriage a priority and want to do the work it takes to establish a long, healthy relationship. 

    3. It Honors Your Commitment to God

    Whether you took your marriage vows on the beach, in someone’s backyard, or a church, you made those vows before God. God created the marriage as a covenant between two loving people so they may enjoy a glimpse of the love we will share with God when we get to heaven. Whether you chose to take traditional vows or write your own, part of the commitment you make on your wedding day is to love, honor, and cherish your spouse ‘till death do you part. This does not mean you get to stop loving your spouse the minute they don’t give you the love you feel you need. When you honor your marriage by speaking your spouse’s level language, you demonstrate your honor toward God and the commitment you made as well. This gives God glory and shows the world what it will be like when Jesus returns for his church.

    4. It Makes Them Feel Seen and Known

    One of our deepest needs as human beings is to be seen and known by God and others. Nothing shows a spouse that you see and know them deeper than anyone else’s by expressing love in their love language. Expressing love in a language they can understand helps them best appreciate and receive the love you give. If you speak in a love language that doesn’t affect them, it will not meet their deep emotional needs. Giving a back rub when your spouse is in pain without being asked is a great way to show physical touch to your spouse and meet their physical needs for comfort as a result.

    One of the reasons God reserved sex for the marriage relationship is because when love is shown in a deep way, it creates a bond between two people that is difficult to break. Mental images surrounding the experience will stay with that couple even if the relationship has resolved. Marriage was designed for two people to be fully known and allow a trusted partner to see and know everything about them, even their weaknesses, flaws, and imperfections. That is not something to reveal to just anyone. Marriage allows two people to be fully who they are (warts and all) to each other. A good marriage provides a safe environment where both people can express themselves in every way without fear of judgment or condemnation. This is how people want to be seen and known by all, yet they must discern to whom they can reveal the most intimate parts of themselves. That revelation should be reserved for the marriage covenant only. By speaking their love language, you demonstrate you understand your spouse fully and that you are a trusted partner who knows them and accepts them and loves them in a way unique to them. 

    5. It Is a Tangible Example of Your (and God’s) Love for Them

    It’s easy to say, “I love you,” but words not backed up with actions can be difficult to believe. It is the same in our spiritual lives. Although we are saved by grace, and there’s nothing we can do to earn that grace, Scripture also says that “faith without works is dead” (James 2:26). If we love God, we will demonstrate that love both to others and ourselves to show our belief in love for him and honor him in the ways he intended.

    It is the same in our marriages. We say we will love, honor, and cherish our spouses, but if we don’t demonstrate tangible examples of that love, how easy will it be for this spouse to believe otherwise? If your spouse is someone who loves words of affirmation, make a point to send a text or write a note once a week letting them know you love them. Highlight their good qualities and things that made you fall in love with them. If your spouse loves acts of service, make a to-do list of all the home improvements or repairs you need to make. Tackle one task a week and be sure to complete it. If your spouse loves quality time, seek to plan at least one date night a month or designate quality time without screens or technology once a week in your home. Invest in your marriage by spending quality time cultivating a loving relationship between you and your spouse. Save money each week until you can buy that perfect gift for your spouse. If they are a person who loves gifts, they will love the thoughtfulness you put into the gift (and we’ll love they don’t have to pay for it either). If they love physical touch, make a point to rub their back, hold her hand, or brush their hair at night to soothe them before they go to bed. This is a great way to establish a relaxing bedtime routine and demonstrate love through physical touch.  

    In the same way, we are called to demonstrate our belief in God in tangible ways. We are to demonstrate our love for our spouses in tangible ways by communicating with them in their love language. By understanding them better, you will be able to give love in a way that meets their deepest emotional needs, and in return, they will do the same.

    Photo Credit: ©Getty Images/Sam Edwards

    Michelle S. Lazurek is a multi-genre award-winning author, speaker, pastor’s wife, and mother. She is a literary agent for Wordwise Media Services and a certified writing coach. Her new children’s book Who God Wants Me to Be encourages girls to discover God’s plan for their careers. When not working, she enjoys sipping a Starbucks latte, collecting 80s memorabilia, and spending time with her family and her crazy dog. For more info, please visit her website www.michellelazurek.com.

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    Michelle S. Lazurek

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  • Having “Young Kids…Just Ruins the Relationship”: Gwyneth Paltrow Jokes About the Challenge of Having Babies

    Having “Young Kids…Just Ruins the Relationship”: Gwyneth Paltrow Jokes About the Challenge of Having Babies

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    Gwyneth Paltrow and Katy Perry, two women-about-town, got together to chat, and we can all eavesdrop on their conversation right here on The Goop Podcast.

    What were those two old so-and-sos talking about? Kids, mostly! They both have them. Perry is raising her toddler, Daisy, with her partner, Orlando Bloom. Bloom also has a son, Flynn, with Miranda Kerr. Paltrow has Apple, 18, and Moses, 16, with her ex-husband, Chris Martin, plus two teenage children from her husband Brad Falchuk’s previous marriage. Martin and Paltrow’s divorce was finalized in 2016, two years after she wrote her famous “conscious uncoupling” treatise.

    “It’s hard on a relationship,” Paltrow said. “Like, I’ve looked back now on, like, the data set of parents with young kids, [and] it just ruins the relationship…It’s really hard!”

    Perry, who is in the middle of it, was quick to say that it’s not impossible to have both a healthy relationship and a baby. “I think if both of the people in the relationship are willing to do the work, then it’s going to be so much easier,” Perry said. “If one person thinks that they don’t have any work to do, then it’s going to be really challenging.”

    Paltrow added a lovely and oddly sad sentiment: “I never felt lonely again after I had [Apple], and I had felt profoundly lonely in my life.”

    Listen, is this revelatory material? No. It’s a truth universally acknowledged that raising a helpless, weeping puddle of bones is hard, and having a partner who can coparent in a big—even equitable—way is only more helpful for all involved.

    What’s so great about Paltrow’s sound bite is that it’s such a perfectly Gwyneth Paltrow thing to say: funny, straightforward, a little provocative, potentially revealing a reality that her partner in conversation is not ready to acknowledge yet, and about a problem that one would think could be solved with the right bank account. That is, you’d think nannies, night nurses, and all the best relationship-saving baby widgets would have been at her and Martin’s disposal all those years ago.

    Here, too, the stars are just like us. They have children! They struggle! They get divorced! They occasionally ironically unironically bemoan their children on their podcasts!

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    Kenzie Bryant

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  • 4 Ways to Bless Your Friend This Valentine’s Day

    4 Ways to Bless Your Friend This Valentine’s Day

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    “Sweet friendships refresh the soul and awaken our hearts with joy, for good friends are like anointing oil that yields the fragrant incense of God’s presence.” Proverbs 27:9 (TPT)

    I am a mountains girl. However, being born and raised and still residing in Texas, I don’t get the luxury of stepping outside and being greeted by their majestic beauty. Thankfully, when the mountains are calling, we do our best to pack up the entire family (including the dog) and make the 15-hour trek to answer the call. Even though it’s only about once a year, it’s absolutely blissful.

    My closest friends know of my deep love for the mountains. They know that it’s my happy place. Which is why last Valentine’s Day was so special. We made a pack to go on a girls’ trip to the mountains. But those plans quickly changed after losing my sweet momma unexpectedly in the spring.

    In the midst of my grief, one of my sweet friends gave me a gift that touched my heart and blessed me beyond words. Before she gave it to me, she said, “I know how much you love the mountains. But… I also know how much you love coffee, so take this and go meet God on your porch swing, for now, until we go on that girls’ trip.” It was a coffee mug wrapped in a beautiful landscape of the mountains. My sweet friend’s thoughtful gift has given me peace and comfort on countless mornings. 

    As Valentine’s Day quickly closes in and we scurry around searching for ways to make everyone feel special and loved, let’s be mindful of those sweet friendships in our lives that are such a blessing to us. That friend who always checks in on you. That friend who can always conjure up a smile (or giggle) no matter what the situation. That friend who forces you out of your comfort zone to grow you and hold you accountable. That friend who makes you a better wife, mom, sister, and all the other roles you carry. 

    These are the sweet friends that awake our hearts with joy, and spending time with them is a gift in and of itself. Let’s bless them this Valentine’s Day with simple acts of kindness. Need some ideas? Here are four simply sweet ways to do just that:

    Pray for Her

    Is there anything sweeter than the gift of a prayerful friend? One of the most powerful ways we can bless our friends is by praying for them. Whether they are facing a challenging time, walking into a new season, or having to make big decisions, our prayers are priceless! Prayer connects us in a deep way as we show our vulnerability and take our hearts earnestly to the Father. 

    Here are four ways you can pray and lift up your precious friends:

    Pray for Her to Have Peace

    “Do not be anxious about anything, but in every situation, by prayer and petition, with thanksgiving, present your requests to God. And the peace of God, which transcends all understanding, will guard your hearts and your minds in Christ Jesus.” Philippians 4:6-7

    Father, I pray you grant my friend peace. Lead and guide her to Your will and Your way. Help her place her trust in You. Amen.

    Pray for Her to Seek Wisdom

    “If any of you lacks wisdom, you should ask God, who gives generously to all without finding fault, and it will be given to you.” James 1:5

    Lord, I lift up my friend to You. Please grant her wisdom and discernment. Help her seek You and find direction in Your precious Word. Let her tuck it in her heart. Amen.

    Pray for Her to Cling to Hope

    “But those who hope in the Lord will renew their strength. They will soar on wings like eagles; they will run and not grow weary, they will walk and not be faint.” Isaiah 40:31

    God, You know the hopes and dreams of my dear friend. You plant them in her heart. Please help her set her eyes on You and pursue the dreams You lay before her. Amen.

    Pray for Her Healing

    “Have mercy on me, Lord, for I am faint; heal me, Lord, for my bones are in agony.” Psalm 6:2

    Gracious God, my friend is in need of healing. You know her intimately and exactly what ales her. I ask that You bring forth healing if it is Your will and reveal how I can help her in this time of need. Amen.

    Serve Her and Her Family

    “We will all face troubles in this life and walk through difficult seasons, maybe even some that are just too much to bear. This is when we as a body of believers can come alongside one another in love and service.” (Galatians 6:2)

    After my mom passed, the outpour of love truly touched my heart. It allowed me to remind myself to keep breathing because many days, I was overcome by such sorrow I found that I couldn’t catch my breath. A close friend then gently told me that anxiety can be a part of grief. Her friendship helped me navigate one of the darkest times of my life. She sent me encouraging notes, offered to help with the children, and gave hugs whenever I needed them. She was such a blessing.

    If you have a sweet friend walking through some murky waters, reach out and touch base with her. Let her know she isn’t doing this alone.

    Bend an Ear

    Attentive listening seems to be a foreign concept these days. We have so many distractions and noises around us at any given point that our attention span has shriveled up to mere nanoseconds. At least, it appears to be that way. I, for one, can tell you I have a very hard time focusing when there is a lot of noise. 

    But, when someone actually takes the time to tune all the noise out and really listen – it’s noticed! And what a blessing it is! 

    When you get together with your sweet friends, be sure to bend your ear and actually tune in to what they are saying. Be intentional by placing your phone on silent or putting it away. Give her time to talk so she feels heard and validated. As difficult as it may be, try not to formulate your response (bite your tongue if you have to) and just be present. 

    Present thoughtful questions and be genuine in your approach by asking how you can provide support and prayer while offering encouragement. A friend that takes the time to listen, and truly listen, will be the one that has your back in all kinds of situations. Treasure those friends!

    Give a Thoughtful Gift

    Are you a gift giver? My sister’s love language is gifts, and I can attest to it in saying that she might quite possibly be the best “gift giver” there is. Anyone who knows her would say the same. She makes it not just about the gift but about the entire presentation. She goes a little crazy for Christmas and birthdays and even hosts a Galentine’s party with crafts for her friends to take home.

    Maybe you enjoy giving and receiving gifts as well. If you have a friend who feels loved when you get her a gift, be sincere and think about what would really make her day, such as the coffee mug my sweet friend gave to me. It really is the thought behind the gift that matters to her. 

    While I am not nearly as good at giving gifts as my sister, I do love when I find a gift and it immediately makes me think of a dear friend. It’s also fun to watch them light up when they receive it. It truly blesses us both! 

    Well, there you have it, my friend. Go and bless your sweet friends. Shower them in love, and may you receive their blessings of love as well. Happy Valentine’s Day!

    Photo Credit: ©GettyImages/Simon Lehmann

    Alicia Searl is a devotional author, blogger, and speaker that is passionate about pouring out her heart and pointing ladies of all ages back to Jesus. She has an education background and master’s in literacy.  Her favorite people call her Mom, which is why much of her time is spent cheering them on at a softball game or dance class. She is married to her heartthrob (a tall, spiky-haired blond) who can whip up a mean latte. She sips that goodness while writing her heart on a page while her puppy licks her feet. Visit her website at aliciasearl.com and connect with her on Instagram and Facebook.

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  • 3 Scriptures about Faithfulness to Inspire Your Marriage

    3 Scriptures about Faithfulness to Inspire Your Marriage

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    The vows we make to one another on our wedding day is a promise to be faithful to one another.

    We declare to each other and in front of our loved ones that we are in. We are there for the good, the bad, and the ugly.

    We are each other’s people for life! It is such a beautiful and powerful pledge of commitment that we make to one another.

    The covenant of marriage that God honors and desires us to remain faithful to whenever possible. Matthew 19:6 says it this way, “So they are no longer two but one flesh. What therefore God has joined together, let not man separate.”

    God desires those heartfelt and optimistic words we declare at the start of our marriage to remain true over the course of the life we spend with our partners.

    God also knows this is not an easy task! Choosing to love the same person over years of new responsibilities, needs, interests, wishes, struggles, pains, and joys requires more than we have to give on our own strength.

    We need Jesus to be able to faithfully love each other well. Let’s explore what God’s word says about remaining faithful to our marriage and some practical ways we can live this out in our daily lives together.

    Here are 3 Scriptures about faithfulness:

    “But the fruit of the Spirit is love, joy, peace, patience, kindness, goodness, faithfulness, gentleness, self-control; against such things, there is no law.”

    God’s Spirit alive in us looks like living a life marked by the fruits of the Spirit. This is the evidence that we are followers of Jesus.

    These are the things that set us apart from the world around us. That evidence includes being faithful to our relationships, commitments, believes, to God, and to our marriages.

    “No temptation has overtaken you that is not common to man. God is faithful, and he will not let you be tempted beyond your ability, but with the temptation, he will also provide the way of escape, that you may be able to endure it.”

    We don’t have to be faithful through our own strength. God knows that we will be tempted, that life is filled with hardship, and that darkness seeks to entice us with the lie of forbidden pleasure. God encourages us but reminding us that HE IS FAITHFUL.

    We can overcome the temptations that are common to this world because God’s power is at work in our lives. He gives us the strength we need to remain faithful to our commitments. 

    “A faithful man will abound with blessings, but whoever hastens to be rich will not go unpunished.”

    Our faithfulness to living a righteous and committed life does not go unnoticed by God. He promises that our efforts will be blessed.

    God is pleased when we choose to be faithful in our marriages.

    How Can We Be Faithful to Our Spouses?

    Remaining faithful to our spouses requires more of us than just not having an extramarital relationship. It requires us to be present, engaged, loving, committed, and willing to forgive over and over again.

    What does that look like in practical terms? Here are some ideas for you.

    1. Be Honest with One Another

    Honesty creates security in your relationship.

    A few years back my husband and I went through about a year of counseling together and the first question our counselor asked was if we had been honest with each other. He wanted to know if we had any major breaks of trust in our past or present.

    Thankfully, we could answer this question with a yes and our counselor confidently said that we could get through our struggles. As long as we had trust we could rectify the other broken parts of our marriage.

    Research has found that the number one issue that came up for married couples was trust and betrayal.

    Honesty ensures that we are living in a true shared reality with one another. We have to be open in our communications with one another not to just avoid major betrayals but also so we are not blindsided by smaller ways that we fail to share our truths with one another.

    Even things such a lack of clarity on how much one of you enjoys a certain activity or concealed concerns about the other party can feel like a betrayal if they’re not’ openly shared.

    2. Keep Each Other a Priority

    This advice feels so obvious but if we are honest it is not at all easy to live out! When life gets rolling along the easiest thing to put on the back-burner of your priority list is your spouse.

    I cannot tell you how many conversations I have had with friends lamenting how long it has been since they have had a proper date night with their spouse.

    Work, kids (especially the kids), not wanting to bother others by asking if they can babysit, and general busyness as reasons date night has been on hiatus.

    Allowing uninterrupted time with your spouse to fall to the wayside is dangerous to your marriage.

    his is what it looks like in my house: My husband and I are getting along well but then several weeks pass without us having time alone to relax without the kids. All of a sudden I start doubting that he cares about me, I feel extra stressed because I haven’t had a “grown-up break” from parenting and my other responsibilities, my husband sees my exasperation as a complaint against him, and then by week 2 or 3 some tiny kindling lights the fire to a big argument.

    Every person needs affirmation, connection, kindness, and love. The only way we can consistently give and receive these things in our marriages is if we make loving one another well a priority.

    3. Be Ready and Willing to Forgive One Another

    Matthew 18:21-22 says, “Then Peter came up and said to him, “Lord, how often will my brother sin against me, and I forgive him? As many as seven times?” Jesus said to him, “I do not say to you seven times, but seventy times seven. 

    Marriage is the place we get to be tested on the ability to live out this scripture in our own lives!

    Offering undeserved forgiveness is something we have to be willing to daily offer to our spouses… and I know from years of experience that it is not easy to extend!

    We have to be willing to forgive not just for the major mess-ups but what may be even harder for us is forgiving each other for the tiny mistakes we make. Like forgiving your spouse when he forgets you have plans together on the calendar or when they forget something you desperately needed from the store.

    When we start holding onto secret grudges against our spouse, walls starting going up in our marriage. All of a sudden tiny things become big things because you aren’t just frustrated about the fact today they forgot to help with the dishes, you are mad because every time they have forgotten to help clean up over the last 15 years.

    Dishwashing can even become a reason to separate yourself emotionally from your spouse.

    When we say that out loud… I can’t stay faithful to my spouse because they didn’t do the dishes… it sounds crazy!

    But if we are honest how much of the struggle we feel in our marriage is about big stuff and how much is over tiny failures we’ve secretly logged in our mental “book of grievances” against our spouses? We have to forgive over and over and over again in order to stay faithful to the vows we made to our spouses at the very beginning of our journey together. 

    Marriage is a living thing. It requires that we tend to it, water it, feed it, nurture it, protect it from the elements of this world, and it only takes a short period of neglect for decay to become apparent to us. 

    If we desire to be faithful to one another, then we have to make a daily choice to pour into our relationship. We have to create routines that communicate love, consideration, and make space for us to connect with each other.

    Being faithful to one another is a daily task but thankfully God promises to give us the strength we need to help our marriages thrive. 

    Photo Credit: ©Unsplash/Jon Asato

    Amanda Idleman is a writer whose passion is to encourage others to live joyfully. She writes devotions for My Daily Bible Verse Devotional and Podcast, Crosswalk Couples Devotional, the Daily Devotional App, she has work published with Her View from Home, on the MOPS Blog, and is a regular contributor for Crosswalk.com. You can find out more about Amanda on her Facebook Page or follow her on Instagram.

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  • Family Tell-All Books: Justifiable or Dishonoring?

    Family Tell-All Books: Justifiable or Dishonoring?

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    With the United Kingdom’s wayward Prince Harry’s new tell-all book, Spare, behind-the-scenes personal family interactions, relationships, and secrets are revealed. 

    As well, Jinger Duggar Vuolo, of a highly popular and beloved Conservative Christian reality TV show with her family, 19 Kids and Counting, has a soon-to-be-released book Becoming Free Indeed, promising readers an expose and critique of her life behind the cameras.

    So why are individuals writing tell-all books? What’s in it for them? Are they just trying to tell their stories? Are they hoping to set things straight? Are they looking to encourage their families to face issues, seek help, and be reconciled? 

    Tell-all books prove to be very lucrative, especially for high-profile people. So what is the true motivation behind writing books that expose one’s family to public ridicule? Why are individuals writing them? Are there financial gains to be made in revealing personal family details?

    For publishers, bringing in big revenue is the driving force behind tell-alls, especially with high-profile families. It may also be the reason behind some authors’ willingness to write one.

    So before becoming one of the millions of readers rushing to read the newest tell-all books, the following are a few things to consider before picking one up and diving into it:

    Whose Story Is It Anyways?

    So is it okay for an individual to write a tell-all? After all, it is their story, right? Or are they really telling other people’s stories without their consent? Which way is it? 

    Understandably individuals have the freedom to share their own story, experiences, and journey in life, but where does one’s story cross a line to where it’s more about exposing someone else’s stories? 

    Do people have the freedom, right, or even the responsibility to expose their family’s frailties and faults to the world? What does Scripture say about uncovering family flaws? Is it justifiable, or is it dishonorable?

    Proverbs 17:9 describes how “Whoever would foster love covers over an offense, but whoever repeats the matter separates close friends.”

    Exposes usually reveal personal and hidden details about people, so it’s good to seriously consider Matthew 7:3‘s caution, “Why do you look at the speck of sawdust in your brother’s eye and pay no attention to the plank in your own eye?” 

    Still, some justify exposing the sins of family members, noting how God writes and exposes many individuals’ sins in the Bible. But they’re not God.

    What Does It Mean to Honor Our Father and Our Mother?

    Many tell-all books aim at exposing the sins of the mothers and fathers, but the Bible clearly commands children to honor their fathers and mothers (Exodus 20:12).

    Ephesians 6:2-3 explains how it’s not just an encouragement from God to honor parents but much more. It’s a command that comes with a promise: “Honor your father and mother”—which is the first commandment with a promise so that it may go well with you and that you may enjoy long life on the earth.”

    It’s one repeated throughout Holy Scriptures, too, and a command God takes very seriously. In fact, ignoring it comes with a pretty harsh consequence. Matthew 15:4 explains, “For God said, ‘Honor your father and mother’ and ‘Anyone who curses their father or mother is to be put to death.’” 

    Sadly we see over and over again family members rising up and pitting themselves against each other. “For a son dishonors his father, a daughter rises up against her mother, a daughter-in-law against her mother-in-law—a man’s enemies are the members of his own household” (Micah 7:6).

    So is it okay to expose a parent’s weaknesses, sins, and secrets to the world? Does God call us to be respectful of how we speak and write about them?

    Tell-All or Family Feud?

    Often, tell-all books come across as payback or getting-even books, often bringing public disgrace, openly airing grievances, pitting family members against each other, and tearing families apart.  

    However, God clearly instructs us to refrain from settling scores in our lives. He urges us to trust Him to bring justice on our behalf. “Do not take revenge, my dear friends, but leave room for God’s wrath, for it is written: ‘It is mine to avenge; I will repay,’ says the Lord” (Romans 12:19).

    Likewise, James 4:11-12 strongly cautions, “Brothers and sisters, do not slander one another. Anyone who speaks against a brother or sister or judges them speaks against the law and judges it. When you judge the law, you are not keeping it, but sitting in judgment on it. There is only one Lawgiver and Judge, the one who is able to save and destroy. But you—who are you to judge your neighbor?”

    Often, believers don’t think God’s directives apply when dealing with their immediate family, but His instructions apply to parents, siblings, and other family members, too.

    Does God Know and Care?

    Proverbs 15:3 assures us, “The eyes of the Lord are everywhere, keeping watch on the wicked and the good.”

    People don’t have to expose and reveal their family’s mistakes, errors, and sinful actions to the world because Jesus assured us, “For there is nothing hidden that will not be disclosed, and nothing concealed that will not be known or brought out into the open” (Luke 8:17).

    Even if it seems like it at times, no one on earth is getting away with anything. They can trust what God’s Word tells us. Everyone, including family members, will be held accountable for their words and actions. Jesus reminds us in Matthew 12:36, “But I tell you that everyone will have to give account on the day of judgment for every empty word they have spoken.” 

    As well, we are reminded that “We must all appear before the judgment seat of Christ, so that each of us may receive what is due us for the things done while in the body, whether good or bad” (2 Corinthians 5:10).

    Are there Tell-All Consequences?

    Ephesians 4:29 urges, “Do not let any unwholesome talk come out of your mouths, but only what is helpful for building others up according to their needs, that it may benefit those who listen.”

    Do tell-alls benefit and build up others? Unfortunately, their pages are often full of gossip, which Proverbs 11:13 explains, “A gossip betrays a confidence, but a trustworthy person keeps a secret.”

    Especially as Christians, we want to refer to Scripture in what we say and write about others, especially our parents and family members. As Leviticus 19:16 urges, “Do not go about spreading slander among your people. Do not do anything that endangers your neighbor’s life. I am the Lord.”

    As God points out, exposing the sins of others has the potential to endanger their lives. Exposing others’ failures to the world comes with consequences both for the ones who are exposed and the ones who expose.

    Likewise, Proverbs 13:3 clarifies the effect that speaking carelessly of others has on those who practice it: “Those who guard their lips preserve their lives, but those who speak rashly will come to ruin.”

    What individuals say about others has the potential to bring destruction to their own lives, too. When speaking of others, 1 Corinthians 16:14 urges a simple motivation, “Do everything in love.”

    Photo Credit: ©Pexels/Negative Space

    Lynette Kittle is married with four daughters. She enjoys writing about faith, marriage, parenting, relationships, and life. Her writing has been published by Focus on the Family, Decision, Today’s Christian Woman, kirkcameron.com, Ungrind.org, StartMarriageRight.com, and more. She has a M.A. in Communication from Regent University and serves as associate producer for Soul Check TV.

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  • Has Remote Work Impacted Our Relationships With Other Employees? Find Out.

    Has Remote Work Impacted Our Relationships With Other Employees? Find Out.

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    Opinions expressed by Entrepreneur contributors are their own.

    The concept of remote work and the impact it could have on the productivity and motivation of employees, has been in discussion long before the Covid-19 pandemic. A 2013 Stanford University study with 500 employees in China reported that employee productivity increased by 13% as a result of working remotely in quieter environments.

    The pandemic forced employers and governments across the world to adopt the remote work model. According to Statista, the global collaboration software market revenues rose by a whopping $15.9 billion in 2019 to $19.2 billion in 2021. These figures are expected to increase over the next few years, as digital transformation and remote work are here to stay.

    Some companies believe that the best practice is a hybrid-first work model, while others are pursuing efforts to bring employees back to the office. In September 2022, Kastle Systems, a key-card property management company that monitors entries and exits from office buildings, reported that some businesses are close to 50% office capacity.

    So, how has remote work impacted the relationships of employees? The way they connect on a professional level or even in a friendly manner?

    We conducted a survey in the United States across a wide age range, asking the participants about their experiences with remote and hybrid work models, and how it has impacted their productivity and their relationships with their colleagues.

    The participants

    To understand the role of remote work in the internal network of employers, we included participants across 31 states who are either working entirely remotely or with a hybrid work model. The survey sample included a diverse audience, as people of various ages and industries have varying preferences when it comes to the methods and tools they use to perform.

    • 82% of the participants were aged between 25 and 44 years old.
    • 18% were aged between 45 and 55 years old.

    The majority worked across different industries including, but not limited to, finance, software, healthcare and information services.

    Related: Employers: Productivity Among Your Remote Workers Isn’t A Problem — Your Proximity Bias Is.

    Remote work and productivity

    71% of our participants claimed that their productivity has improved over the past two years. A further 21% stated that it remained unchanged and 8% believe that it deteriorated.

    This came as no surprise. Removing the hours of commute, preparing food at home and being close to the family are all elements that employees have appreciated. In the words of Allyson Zimmermann, Executive Director at Catalyst, “access to remote work increases employee wellbeing, productivity, innovation and inclusion.”

    Whereas, no one under the age of 34 found their productivity deteriorating.

    Remote work and relationships with colleagues

    Despite the fact that remote work removes the boundary between work and home, people have been able to establish methods to communicate with colleagues without it becoming a burden. So much so, that for some, remote work has improved their relationships with their colleagues.

    67% of our participants believe that their relationships with their colleagues have improved during the last two years. This figure was sufficiently higher among the younger ages, as 73.8% of the respondents between the ages of 25-34 answered positively.

    This is in line with the findings of Dan Schwable, Managing Partner of Workplace Intelligence, who highlights that “over the past year their relationships have improved with their managers (32%), peers/colleagues on their team (25%), and peers/colleagues on other teams (21%).”

    “When people trust one another and have social capital, you get a willingness to take risks, you get more innovation and creativity and less groupthink.”

    Methods of interactions

    No matter the benefits of remote work, employees can get lonely. Nancy Baym, Jonathan Larso and Ronnie Martin from Harvard Business Review elaborate, “the spontaneous informal interactions at risk in hybrid and remote work are not distractions or unproductive. They foster the employee connections that feed productivity and innovation — these interactions are the soil in which ideas grow.”

    Our survey participants, however, have shared different methods that their employers promote in-person interactions:

    • 26% said that social outings have been their company’s go-to method.
    • 23% of our participants stated their company does so through work retreats and off-site gatherings.

    An interesting point to note is that some companies encourage remote interactions with colleagues:

    • 23% connect through digital Interactive Office Solutions.
    • 11% interact through online video game sessions.

    Admittedly, we have tried the last two points at Covve by hosting virtual game nights and online yoga sessions once per month with great success, connecting our teams.

    In addition to the above responses, we invited the participants to share other activities that would help them interact better with their colleagues at work. The most prominent responses were:

    • The inclusion of outdoor activities and sports in the company’s schedule.
    • Department-wide lunches or occasional dinners with colleagues. This is a technique introduced at Google (and then the wider Silicon Valley) to encourage employees to eat together, connect and share ideas for new projects.
    • The introduction of biweekly or monthly mentorship sessions.
    • Working together on volunteering activities and community service projects.

    Related: How to Strengthen Communication Within Remote and Hybrid Teams

    Conclusion

    The key message from our findings is that while remote work has increased employee productivity and improved their relationships, it did not eliminate the need for social interaction.

    Company networking and bonding is still heavily facilitated at company outings and gatherings. Although online interactions and even video games are novel and rising methods in connecting employees at the remote or hybrid workplace, employees still need to connect over drinks, food, exercise, or even volunteering. This is well explained by a research-backed op-ed by Edward Glaeser and David Cutler featured in The Washington Post, which claims that “over the medium to long term, long-distance employment can’t deliver key benefits — including learning and new friendships — that come from face-to-face contact.”

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  • 3 Reasons to Value Your Adult Siblings

    3 Reasons to Value Your Adult Siblings

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    As an adult with two older adult siblings, I am familiar with valuing your adult siblings. We are often told the importance of respecting or getting along with our siblings as children and teens, but not much is spoken of valuing your adult siblings. If anything, we need to continue to value our siblings into adulthood and support them to the best of our abilities. 

    Here are three specific reasons to value your adult siblings:

    1. Love

    The first reason to value your adult siblings is because of love. Even though years have come and gone, the love we have for our siblings will remain. We all have been hurt by our siblings in various ways, but we still love them. Although we may not like them at times, we always love them. This is because love is a choice. It is not based on a feeling, but rather, it is an intentional decision we make every day.

    Despite the fact our siblings may be adults doesn’t mean they have everything figured out, and it doesn’t mean they don’t need help. We can extend the love we have for our adult siblings by being there for them and being supportive. This will ensure they feel valued and cared about. Even though your siblings have become adults doesn’t mean the love you have for them has diminished. It is true that your siblings may have hurt you, but it doesn’t mean you don’t value them anymore. In fact, they may feel as though you don’t value them anymore if you don’t extend love, support, or care toward them. 

    Love is one of the strongest bonds we can have with one another. It is mighty and is an exact representation of God’s being (1 John 4:8). When we choose to love and value our siblings, we are being God’s light to the world. It’s hard to say that our siblings have never hurt us because that would be an impossible statement to make. A true statement that we can make is despite the pain and hurt our siblings may have given us as children, teens, or even as adults, we still love them. By loving them, we are truly valuing our adult siblings. The Lord gives us the command to love all people just as He loves us (John 15:12). 

    2. The Past

    A second reason to value your adult siblings is because of the past. While I understand not all of us were supported and loved in the past by siblings, there is a high chance that you had a strong bond with your sibling at some point. For my siblings and I, we have all gone through the death of our family dog and our mother together. We were all together at these points in history, thus, we share that same pain. Although many of our friends may never understand our pain, we know that we, as sisters, can share that same pain. The past is often what connects us, and it can cause us to value others. 

    We should never stop valuing our adult siblings because, at the end of the day, they are still our siblings. The past that we share with them is deeply interwoven into our hearts and minds. Since we spent a great deal of our past with our siblings, we need to keep valuing them even into adulthood. Maybe your siblings have not made the best decisions, but you still need to value them because of the past you share and the love you have for them. Even amidst the pain and hurt, we can still value our adult siblings regardless of the past. 

    3. They Are Made in God’s Image

    A third reason to value your adult siblings is because they are made in God’s image. Every single person is created in God’s image (Genesis 1:27). This includes your siblings. Maybe you are reading this and you are holding onto a great deal of pain because of your siblings. My heart goes out to you because I understand how you feel. It is not an easy feeling to have nor is it a feeling that simply can be waved away. This is a hard teaching of the Bible because Jesus does command us to love all people even if they are not kind to us (Luke 6:27-36).

    Sadly, our siblings can often be the most vicious people to us. We may extend support and help, but they might deny our help and put us down. Even if our siblings have done this or continue to do this, we still need to value them. Similar to everyone else, our adult siblings are made in the image of God. Since everyone is made in the image of God, we need to value our adult siblings. We should want the best for them and help in ways that we can. It is also worth mentioning that sometimes siblings can change as they get older as compared to how they were as children.

    Sometimes this change can be for the better, yet sometimes this might be for the worst. Even if your sibling doesn’t make the best of decisions, it is important that you still value them. God values each and every human life and we should do the same. If we are truly following God and we love Him as much as we say we do, it is vital that we love, respect, and value our siblings. It brings God glory when we love and value others. 

    It is often hard to love those close to us because of past pain. It hurts so much more because the individual was close to us and we trusted them. Often, our siblings can hurt us and this can cause us to not value them anymore. If you have noticed this in your life, know that it can happen, but you can get back on the right track. You will never be able to control the way your siblings act, but you can control your own behavior. Rather than holding hate toward your sibling or choosing to not value them, you can choose to love freely and value their very beings. 

    God wants us to value all people, including our siblings. While this can be difficult for many of us, it is vital that we do value our adult siblings. Unfortunately, not many of us think about death until it is at our doorstep. My sister recently was speaking about this topic and it affected me deeply. She pointed out that individuals normally don’t think about death until it is in your midst. From my own experience, I can vouch this as being true. 

    I never truly thought about death until our family dog passed away and our mom passed away nearly seven years ago. The topic of death was uncomfortable and I didn’t want to think about it. Most people feel the same as we don’t choose to acknowledge death until we see our loved one take their final breath and we miss their very presence. We need to remember this because our time on earth is short and so is our siblings time on earth. Our siblings could be here one day and gone the next. We need to value our adult siblings because they are valuable to us, yet we might not see that until they are gone. Thus, choose to value your adult siblings, be supportive of them, and help them grow in the Lord. 

    Photo Credit: ©iStock/Getty Images Plus/digitalskillet

    Vivian Bricker loves Jesus, studying the Word of God, and helping others in their walk with Christ. She has earned a Bachelor of Arts and Master’s degree in Christian Ministry with a deep academic emphasis in theology. Her favorite things to do are spending time with her family and friends, reading, and spending time outside. When she is not writing, she is embarking on other adventures.

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  • 3 Reasons for Tensions between Adult Children and Parents

    3 Reasons for Tensions between Adult Children and Parents

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    Growing up, my parents jested, “You can choose your friends, but you can’t choose your family.” These words were meant to encourage and perhaps force me to learn to get along with my family members because “friends come and go, but your family remains the same.” 

    For some, the opposite will be true; friends have been more like family than blood relatives. However, for our purposes here, I am addressing those whose family dynamics are relatively healthy aside from the occasional family tiffs—especially those tensions of navigating relationships with parents as adults with children of their own.

    As believers who desire to honor God with their lives, many adult Christians wonder how to honor their parents as family roles and dynamics change, notably during major life shifts such as marriage and having children. Understanding common reasons for tensions and establishing healthy plans for resolution between adult children and their parents may relieve these normal family stressors.

    Let’s look at three reasons for tension between adult children and their parents:

    1. Not Following the Biblical Role of Parents in Adult Children’s Lives

    Packed with sass and attitude as a little girl, I often heard my parents recite the fifth commandment. “Honor your father and mother,” they would say after a slight roll of the eyes or stomp of my foot. If you, too, grew up in a Christian home, I’m willing to bet you heard those words as well.

    But we’re not little girls and boys anymore. Does this principle imply that we are to do everything our parents say as adults? And if we don’t, are we dishonoring our parents?

    Let’s back up and look at God’s original intent for the family. Home is where children learn to submit to authority and respect and obey. In return, hopefully, they receive love and protection. If children can learn to submit to earthly authority (their parents), they will be better able to submit to God’s ultimate authority (eternal).

    Honoring our parents doesn’t explicitly imply that we must obey all their wishes and commands. While we are under our parents’ care (i.e., living under their roof), we should abide by their rules, commands, and preferences (assuming they don’t contradict God’s Word). However, as we age and move out of our parent’s homes, we bear the responsibility and burden of adulthood. 

    In Matthew 19:4-6, Jesus describes the natural progression as children become adults, “Haven’t you read,” he replied, “that at the beginning the Creator ‘made them male and female,’ and said, ‘For this reason, a man will leave his father and mother and be united to his wife, and the two will become one flesh’?” If this is true, the natural progression would be that once we have lives and families of our own, our parents’ authority would shift from one of complete authority to a source of wise counsel and guidance. Their advice is suggestive, and our ultimate authority would come from Christ.

    As adult children, we can honor our parents by considering their concerns and advice, showing them respect, and striving to live in peace as far as it depends on us. We hope that parents acknowledge the shift in authority in our lives with great joy and gratitude to see their children walking in obedience to God. But the truth is that changes like these are difficult, and sometimes, tension is inevitable. As these situations arise, consider ways to respect and honor parents while maintaining autonomy and accommodating new relationship dynamics such as a spouse or children.

    2. Unrealistic Expectations

    Having unrealistic expectations is one of the biggest reasons for relationship tension. Due to familiarity in family relationships, there is a greater possibility of these expectations going unvoiced and misconstrued. We all have different outcomes we deem appropriate responses for various scenarios and circumstances. Of course, because they are our ideas, we sometimes wrongly assume that everyone else will respond the way we envisioned. But, when people don’t act the way we expected, conflict or, at the very least, tension occurs. Can you relate to one of the scenarios below?

    Your parents retired, creating extra time in their calendars. You are thrilled because you think this will lead to them helping out with the kids more. A few weeks go by, and they haven’t reached out, and you start to feel annoyed.

    You and your spouse offered to host a big family Christmas at your house this year. You thought this would make it easier on your parents, but you become upset when they decline to opt for a smaller gathering at home. 

    Your parents decide to take a big trip and invite your family along. You thought because they invited your family, they would cover the cost of the vacation; you become bitter when you find out it would be your responsibility.

    One of the best ways to relieve the tensions caused by unrealistic or unmet expectations is to stop putting them on people. After many mishaps with my preconceived notions of how people should respond and my general desire for others to do things the same way I would, I certainly understand this is much easier said than done. But maybe it would be helpful if we all tried not to impose our opinions on others so much.

    We can openly and honestly talk about our preferences and concerns. I understand this is a tall order for those not fond of conflict. But, airing out our grievances, or sharing how we would like things to be, in most cases, helps prevent future misunderstandings. Auditing expectations for personal opinions, ditching assumptions, and openly communicating will be a great starting point for managing unrealistic expectations.

    3. Being Quick to Assume the Worst and Slow to Forgive and Forget

    Assuming the worst can be a knee-jerk reaction regarding relationships with parents and in-laws. A simple declined invitation to dinner quickly makes me think I am the worst daughter ever, an incompetent mom, and generally a disgrace to the family. Heaven help me if the exchange happens over text or e-mail! I understand the challenges when we can’t see facial expressions or voice inflections created, but why with the people we love most, do we tend to assume the worst? It seems that most of us are much quicker to extend grace and understanding to friends and strangers over our relatives.

    As if it’s not enough of a challenge that we generally assume the worst of each other, conversations can be loaded at times. Someone makes a comment about a superior parenting technique, an ill-timed comment is made about someone’s finances, or a parent continues to give unsolicited suggestions. These things can make tensions soar, people shut down, and activate relational strain, making it hard to engage with each other as time goes on and unforgiveness festers.

    We’ve covered God’s original design for family to model submission to authority. And the family unit is a great place to practice navigating the inevitable ruptures and repairs required in human relationships. By learning to love unconditionally, forgive quickly, and extend grace and mercy to our families, we can do the same with the family of God.

    While there are numerous reasons for tension between adult children and their parents, we can be sure of a few things. The shift of power, the change of seasons, the transformation of children becoming adults, and aging parents, will cause tension in our families. But as God demonstrated by adopting us into His family despite our shortcomings, the family unit is a grace from Him. Love covers a multitude of sins (1 Peter 4:8), allowing us the privilege to honor our families.

    Photo Credit: ©Getty Images/Daisy-Daisy

    Laura Bailey is a Bible teacher who challenges and encourages women to dive deep in the Scriptures, shift from an earthly to an eternal mindset, and filter life through the lens of God’s Word. She is a wife and momma to three young girls. She blogs at www.LauraRBailey.com, connect with her on Facebook and Instagram @LauraBaileyWrites 

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  • How Does the Bible Guide Us through Conflict Resolution?

    How Does the Bible Guide Us through Conflict Resolution?

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    I must confess a bit of reticence here in answering this question. I say that because there are abusive structures and systems which use “biblical conflict resolution” to harm survivors. The principles outlined in Matthew 18 can be used to browbeat those who have been victimized and to force mock forgiveness upon those who are perpetually wounded.

    But God does tell us about conflict resolution. The place where biblical reconciliation always begins is in the gospel of Jesus Christ. We can only pursue true and lasting God-honoring reconciliation with one another if we have been first reconciled to God. All reconciliation must begin here.

    James 4:1-2 tells us where our battle with conflict resides. David Powlison explains well:

    “One of the joys of biblical ministry comes when you are able to turn on the lights in another person’s dark room … I have yet to meet a couple locked in hostility (and the accompanying fear, self-pity, hurt, self-righteousness) who really understood and reckoned with their motives. James 4:1-3 teaches that cravings underlie conflicts. Why do you fight? It’s not “because my wife/husband…” – it’s because of something about you. Couples who see what rules them – cravings for affection, attention, power, vindication, control, comfort, a hassle-free life – can repent and find God’s grace made real to them, and then learn how to make peace.”

    This helps us to first reckon with our own role in any conflict that we might have. Matthew 7:3-5 makes it clear that in any conflict we do well to suspect and inspect ourselves first.

    Disclaimer: When we are talking about run of the mill sin against one another or when the balance of power is pretty much equal, this is sound advice. It’s probably not a good question to ask, though, if you’ve been victimized. As an example, if someone has been sexually assaulted, it’s irresponsible and harmful to ask questions about personal responsibility.

    The same is true of places like Matthew 18. That is a tremendous verse for walking through interpersonal conflicts. It helps us to know how to pursue reconciliation if we’ve been the one offended. As a general rule, when we are the ones who have been sinned against, we should walk through these steps, seek and pray for the repentance of the offender, and respond accordingly.

    But it is inappropriate to use Matthew 18 as a cudgel against someone who is in an abusive relationship. Matthew 18 is not intended to outline the steps a wife should take if her husband is abusing her. We do not get to rebuke her for “not going to him first.”

    Yes, the Bible outlines how to resolve conflict. But we must consider the general principle that there is a conflict that we are supposed to never make peace with and that is the conflict with sin. Whenever we use biblical principles of conflict to harm those who are vulnerable, we are making peace with sin and placing ourselves at enmity with God. There is much the Bible says about conflict and we do well to consider the whole picture.

    Photo credit: ©Getty Images/phototechno

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  • What Is the Beautiful Picture of Adoption in the Bible?

    What Is the Beautiful Picture of Adoption in the Bible?

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    Paul uses the picture of adoption five times in his writings. Once describing Israel’s adoption by God (Romans 9:4), and four times describing the adoption of Gentiles into his family (Romans 8:15, 23; Galatians 4:5; Ephesians 1:5).

    But what does Paul mean when he refers to being adopted by God? The answer to that is more involved than we might think based on present-day adoption practices.

    Adoption in the Roman World

    Adoption today generally deals with infants or young children, usually because of the inability to have children or to provide a home for children who would otherwise not have a loving family. But adoption was quite different in the Roman world of the first century.

    In that time and place, adoption was primarily about securing an heir. Among the Roman aristocracy, families were generally small, child mortality was high, and failing to have a son who could inherit the estate was not uncommon.

    Adoption provided a means to be able to carry on the family name and estate when a natural son was not available.

    There are some aspects of Roman adoption that are especially relevant to Paul’s usage of adoption. First, as mentioned above, adoption was concerned with inheritance. The reason for being adopted was to provide an heir when one was not otherwise available.

    Only free Roman citizens could be legally adopted. Non-citizens and slaves could not be adopted. However, a slave could be freed, and then as a freedman, he could be adopted.

    If the slave were owned by someone other than the one freeing him, he would first need to be purchased. And once the purchase price was paid, the slave could be freed.

    When a person was adopted, they were given a new name, the name of the family they were adopted into. If the one being adopted was not previously the head of his family, he brought nothing with him into the adopted family.

    However, if he was the head of his original family, all he had come with him was placed under the ownership of his new father. So, adoption essentially resulted in a new start in life.

    Slaves to Sin

    Paul’s use of adoption is not the straightforward adoption of one Roman citizen by another. Instead, he focuses on the adoption of one who was a slave and who must first be redeemed and set free from slavery before adoption.

    Several times in Paul’s letter to the Roman church, he refers to us as having been slaves to sin (Romans 6:6,16,17,20; 7:14, 25) or that sin was our master (Romans 6:14).

    Sin is not used here in the sense of individual acts of disobedience. Rather, sin personifies our fallen human nature.

    We were not free to choose our own future. We were slaves and had no prospects of escaping that slavery. While we had limited freedom to order our lives, in the end, we were still slaves to sin, owned and controlled by that nature.

    Redeemed and Set Free

    Romans 6:17-18, while affirming that we were slaves to sin, says that we have now been set free from that slavery to sin.

    And, in Revelation 5:9, the heavenly host sang of Jesus, “You are worthy to take the scroll and to open its seals, because you were slain, and with your blood you purchased for God persons from every tribe and language and people and nation.”

    God did for us what we were unable to do for ourselves. He paid the price for our freedom to our former master. And he set us free.

    Adopted into God’s Family

    As mentioned in the opening, Paul uses the expression “adoption to sonship” five times in his writing. We were not initially born into God’s family as sons and daughters. We were slaves to another master. But God, who purchased our freedom, adopted us into his family.

    No longer are we on the outside looking in. We are now intimate members of God’s family. In Romans 8:15, Paul said that “the Spirit you received brought about your adoption to sonship. And by him, we cry, ‘Abba, Father’.”

    Abba is an Aramaic word for father. According to Vines Expository Dictionary, this is the word a young child would use for their father, making it equivalent to our “daddy.”

    Not only are we children of God now. But we are called “dearly loved children” in Ephesians 5:1. And 1 John 3:1 refers to the “great love the Father has lavished on us, that we should be called children of God!”

    While God’s love extends to the whole world (John 3:16), it is especially given to those who are now members of his family, his dearly loved children.

    Heirs of God

    In the Roman world, adoption was primarily for the purpose of inheritance. And that is no different in the adoption into the family of God we have experienced. Romans 8:17 tells us that “if we are children, then we are heirs — heirs of God and co-heirs with Christ.”

    But this adoption as heirs is different from the Roman adoption of an heir. In the Roman world, inheritance did not occur until the death of the one owning the estate that would be inherited. But we are God’s heirs without his death.

    This inheritance is currently something we look forward to. In Ephesians 1:14, Paul tells us that the Holy Spirit living in us is “a deposit guaranteeing our inheritance until the redemption of those who are God’s possession.”

    Our inheritance awaits not God’s death but ours. Today we experience but a taste of what awaits us. But once our redemption is complete, we will fully experience the inheritance prepared for us.

    The thought of being a co-heir, or joint heir, with Christ, seems a bit strange at first. Surely our place in the eternal kingdom is not the same as that of Jesus, which is what joint inheritance would imply.

    But, as believers, we are in Christ. And, in Christ, his experience becomes ours. We share in his life now. And we will through eternity. It is as we are in Christ, then, that we can be joint heirs with him.

    Bringing it All Together

    Paul’s use of adoption imagery is most evident in Galatians 4:4-7.

    But when the set time had fully come, God sent his Son, born of a woman, born under the law, to redeem those under the law, that we might receive adoption to sonship.

    Because you are his sons, God sent the Spirit of his Son into our hearts, the Spirit who calls out, “Abba, Father.” So, you are no longer a slave but God’s child; and since you are his child, God has made you also an heir.

    This passage begins with our redemption from the slave market, leading to our adoption, becoming loved members of his family, and concluding with being made God’s heirs.

    For further reading:

    What Does the Bible Mean by Children of God?

    What Does it Mean to be a Child of God as an Adult?

    What Does it Mean to Be in the Family of God?

    What Does it Mean That God Is Our Abba Father?

    What Does the Bible Say about Having a Birthright?

    Photo Credit: ©iStock/Getty Images Plus/Ilya Burdun

    Ed Jarrett is a long-time follower of Jesus and a member of Sylvan Way Baptist Church. He has been a Bible teacher for over 40 years and regularly blogs at A Clay Jar. You can also follow him on Twitter or Facebook. Ed is married, the father of two, and grandfather of three. He is retired and currently enjoys his gardens and backpacking.

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  • Does the Bible Mention Interracial Dating/Marriage?

    Does the Bible Mention Interracial Dating/Marriage?

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    During the Old Testament, God didn’t want the Israelites to marry those outside of Israel. He did this not because of ethnicity but because those outside of Israel were worshiping false gods. The Lord didn’t want Israel to become married to those who would lead them away from Him. Thus, God did not want Israel to date or marry those outside Israel because they could tempt Israel to sin and follow false gods.

    Dating and Marriage

    Most of the time, when people talk about interracial dating and marriage, they are referring to ethnicity. The truth is that there is only one race—the human race, and we all come from the same Creator. Ethnicities are but skin pigments. Our skin pigment comes from melanin. Just because we have different skin pigments doesn’t mean we are any different from each other. We all are the same on the inside—we all have a heart and a mind. None of us are much different from each other because we all have a deep longing inside to be loved and to be known. 

    The Bible tells us we are all equal. We are all made in the image of God, whether we have red, yellow, black, or white skin (Genesis 1:27). We are also told by Paul, “There is neither Jew nor Gentile, neither slave nor free, nor is there male and female, for you are all one in Christ Jesus” (Galatians 3:38). As Paul tells us, we are all equal and one in Christ. Nobody is better than anyone else, as we are all equal. Pride is a common sin for individuals to struggle with, yet this is what causes individuals to become racist toward others.

    Racism 

    Racism is a sin. The belief that those of different skin colors shouldn’t marry each other is a form of racism. God never says that people of different skin colors cannot marry each other. If they are both believers in the Lord and love each other, there is no reason they cannot get married. The only marriages God condemns are same-sex marriage and marriage between a believer and an unbeliever. These are the only two types of marriages that go against God’s design for marriage. An interracial marriage doesn’t taint God’s design for marriage.

    Those who believe interracial dating or marriage is unbiblical are misinformed. There is nothing in the Bible that speaks against dating or marrying someone of a different skin color than yourself. God created all people, and He loves all people. He does not play favorites, as He loves every single person equally. There is not a supreme ethnicity, as all people are equal at the cross of Christ. If someone thinks something is wrong with interracial dating/marriage, they must turn to the Lord and meditate on what the Bible says. There is absolutely nothing wrong with interracial dating/marriage. 

    Many people try to condemn interracial dating/marriage based on the Bible, but this is wrong. As we have established, God only condemns the Israelites for marrying those outside Israel because of their foreign gods. The Lord didn’t have anything against their skin color because He made them. Rather, the Lord didn’t want His people to marry those who would lead them after false gods. As shown in the life of King Solomon, his many foreign wives led him after foreign gods and caused him to disobey God. In the same way, God didn’t want the people of Israel to marry outside of Israel to protect their faith in Him. 

    Marrying someone of a different color doesn’t mean a person is sinning. In fact, it is a beautiful thing for two believers to get married. Marriage is a sacred covenant before the Lord. When two believers get married, they are a representation of Christ and the Church. As Christ cares for the Church, the husband needs to care for his wife. In the same way, the woman must love and respect her husband just as the Church loves and respects Christ. Marriage was created to show the relationship between Christ and the Church. It doesn’t matter what color two believers are, but rather what matters is that one man and one woman have come together because they both love God and each other. 

    History of Interracial Dating

    During segregation, interracial dating/marriage was frowned upon, yet this was due to people’s sins. They falsely used the Bible out of context and condemned those who loved people of different skin tones. Nobody should be told they can’t love somebody else because of their skin color. Sadly, many Caucasians believe they are the supreme ethnicity, but they are not. Throughout history, Catholic churches have portrayed Jesus as being Caucasian, and this belief is still depicted throughout time. Jesus would have been ethnically Jewish, which meant He would have had darker skin, dark hair, and dark eyes. 

    This is radically different from the white skin, light hair, and blue eyes Jesus often is depicted as having. We can see racism shown in this matter, which deeply affects people to this day. Due to this false belief, many people have believed that white people should only marry white people or that African-Americans should only marry African-Americans. This is not true at all because God loves all people, and He does not draw a barrier line that a believer of a certain skin color cannot date or marry a believer who is of a different skin color. 

    Instead of condemning those who love someone of a different skin color, we should support, encourage, and love them. If they are both believers, they love each other, and they love God, then there is nothing wrong. As established, the only marriage unions rejected by God are marriages between same-sex couples and marriages between a believer and an unbeliever. God established marriage to be between one believing man and one believing woman. The Bible tells us, “That is why a man leaves his father and mother and is united to his wife, and they become one flesh” (Genesis 2:24). 

    Anything that goes against this design, as stated in Genesis 2:24, goes against God’s perfect design for marriage. As we know, God loves all people of all skin tones because He created us, and we are all made in His image (Genesis 1:27). It doesn’t matter if a white woman wants to marry an African-American man or if a white man wants to marry an African-American woman—the same goes for Asians, Latinos, and believers of other ethnicities. If they are both followers of Christ, there is nothing wrong, and the interracial relationship is in accordance with God’s design. 

    Self-reflection

    If you are a believer and considering dating or marrying another believer of a different skin color, then know it is perfectly okay to date or marry this individual. In the same way, if you are a person who struggles with racism, take some time to deeply study the Bible and discover that God doesn’t condemn interracial dating or marriage. The only marriages He condemns are the marriage between same-sex couples and marriages between a believer and an unbeliever. Marriage is a beautiful covenant before God, and those who choose to marry one another do not need to be judged based on their skin color. Everyone is beautiful and uniquely designed by our wonderful Creator and has the opportunity to step into the God-ordained covenant of marriage.  

    Photo Credit: ©Unsplash/Desiree Fawn

    Vivian Bricker loves Jesus, studying the Word of God, and helping others in their walk with Christ. She has earned a Bachelor of Arts and Master’s degree in Christian Ministry with a deep academic emphasis in theology. Her favorite things to do are spending time with her family and friends, reading, and spending time outside. When she is not writing, she is embarking on other adventures.

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  • Why Are So Many Christian Marriages Failing?

    Why Are So Many Christian Marriages Failing?

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    Divorce comes in all shapes and sizes. There’s certainly not a “one reason fits all” explanation for this heart-wrenching experience. I’ve learned that it doesn’t always matter who initiates leaving, who files for separation first, or who did what to whom—divorce hurts. 

    And it should. Divorce has been compared to two sheets of paper glued together—it’s impossible to separate them without damage inflicted on both pieces. 

    Trust me, I’ve been there. After all, I walked through the dark valley of abandonment and unwanted divorce before I even hit age thirty. 

    Decades ago, divorce seemed to be more of a worldly situation. Anytime a divorce rocked the local church, it was shocking. These days, however, the divorce rate among Christians—while lower than among those not professing faith—is ever-climbing. It doesn’t even bring the same jolt of surprise when we hear “so and so” are separating. 

    So what exactly is happening to Christian marriages? What is causing this epidemic, and how can we stop it? Can we even stop it? 

    Here are eight reasons why so many Christian marriages are failing today—and what you can do to avoid becoming a statistic:

    1. We’re Sinners

    This is the simplest yet deepest truth to the mystery of why marriages fail—because of sin. 

    Romans 3:23 (ESV) “…for all have sinned and fall short of the glory of God. All of us are capable of committing a variety of sins against our spouse, and it’s all too easy to let these sins build up. Even when the sins aren’t directly against our spouse, it affects our marriage because unconfessed sin affects our hearts.” 

    Thankfully, there is hope. 1 John 1:9 (ESV) says, “If we confess our sins, he is faithful and just to forgive us our sins and to cleanse us from all unrighteousness. It’s never too late to confess your sin and get right with the Holy Spirit—and in that same vein, it’s never too late for your marriage.” 

    2. We Treat Marriage as Extreme Dating

    Another reason Christian marriages fail is that they aren’t held with the reverence they deserve. Marriage is not extreme dating. All too often, couples get engaged and go into marriage acting like divorce is an option should things head south. They woodenly repeat “’til death do us part” after the officiating minister, but deep in their hearts, they have an escape plan. Yet, the Bible states otherwise:

    Genesis 2:24 (ESV) “Therefore a man shall leave his father and his mother and hold fast to his wife, and they shall become one flesh.”

    Marriage creates one unit from two people. Of course, that will mean instant conflict because both people in the union are sinners. Arguments will happen. But that union is a direct picture of the covenant between Christ and His Church. It’s not to be taken lightly.  

    3. We Forget

    As the years go by, it’s easy to forget why we fell in love in the first place. All we can see are the annoying quirks and bad habits our spouse has that drive us crazy. We forget that our spouse is a blessing to us—they’re a good thing!

    Proverbs 18:22 (ESV) “He who finds a wife finds a good thing and obtains favor from the Lord.”

    On top of that, husbands are literally commanded to rejoice in their wife. Proverbs 5:18 (ESV) says, “Let your fountain be blessed, and rejoice in the wife of your youth…” While this directive is aimed at men, women can also benefit from the instruction by remembering why they fell in love in the first place and rejoice in their marriage. A little gratitude goes a long way in perspective—for both parties.

    4. We Quit Too Soon

    Sometimes, couples give up when they should be digging their heels in and fighting for their marriage. Of course, there are situations where this doesn’t apply, such as with unrepentant adultery, abuse, etc. But for the couple who feel as if they’ve simply fallen out of love and are ready to give up, they might consider this parable in the Gospel of Luke:

    Luke 11:5-8 (ESV) “And he said to them, “Which of you who has a friend will go to him at midnight and say to him, ‘Friend, lend me three loaves, for a friend of mine has arrived on a journey, and I have nothing to set before him’; and he will answer from within, ‘Do not bother me; the door is now shut, and my children are with me in bed. I cannot get up and give you anything’? I tell you, though he will not get up and give him anything because he is his friend, yet because of his impudence he will rise and give him whatever he needs.” 

    Prayer works miracles, and it’s easy to try everything under the sun—passive-aggressive tactics, counseling, self-help books, or venting to our friends—without ever going to the Lord about our marriage. Start there and pray with persistence. Don’t give up too soon. 

    5. We Cause Each Other Strife

    Speaking unlovingly to each other does a lot of damage, especially over time. Husbands and wives are often both guilty of nagging each other, but here in Proverbs, the directive is aimed toward women. Proverbs 21:9 (ESV) warns, “It is better to live in a corner of the housetop than in a house shared with a quarrelsome wife.” Both spouses should take care with the words they speak and aim for gentleness over anger. Taking a deep breath and a moment to gain control of your temper before speaking can go a long way in saving a marriage. Aim to be someone your spouse wants to spend time with, rather than someone driving them away—and then watch how they start behaving the same. Kindness is contagious.

    6. We Don’t Understand What Love Truly Is

    From a young age, we’re exposed to the world’s definition of love, which is often just lust masquerading as love. True love is defined in the Bible. The Bible says God Himself is love (1 John 4:16). We’re also given a list of examples in 1 Corinthians of what love looks like:

    1 Corinthians 13:4-7 (ESV) “Love is patient and kind; love does not envy or boast; it is not arrogant or rude. It does not insist on its own way; it is not irritable or resentful; it does not rejoice at wrongdoing, but rejoices with the truth. Love bears all things, believes all things, hopes all things, endures all things.” 

    Go through the list above and check your heart toward your spouse. Are you showing patience and kindness? Are you overcome by jealousy and insecurity? Are you rude? Irritable all the time? Bitter? Start there and see what the Lord transforms in you both. 

    7. We Don’t Fulfill Our Biblical Roles

    This has, unfortunately, because of sin and abuse, become a touchy subject, but the bottom line is the Bible has direct roles for husbands and wives in marriage. Marriages work better when they’re in the confines of their God-ordained boundaries. Simply put, wives are commanded to submit, and husbands are commanded to love. 

    Ephesians 5:24-26 (ESV) “Now as the church submits to Christ, so also wives should submit in everything to their husbands. Husbands, love your wives, as Christ loved the church and gave himself up for her, that he might sanctify her, having cleansed her by the washing of water with the word…”

    This is how marriage works best. Don’t get me wrong—this doesn’t mean wives aren’t also to love their husbands, or husbands aren’t to consider their wife’s thoughts and opinions when leading their household. Marriage is a partnership. God told Adam in the garden that it wasn’t good for him to be alone, that he needed a helpmate. When husbands and wives fulfill their roles as God designed, their marriage runs a lot smoother. When roles are reversed, abandoned, or resented, conflict is compounded. 

    8. We Don’t Forgive

    Our marriages will inevitably fail—or at the least, be completely miserable—when we withhold forgiveness. The Bible is full of reminders of this important element, not just in our marriages but in our Christian walk as a whole. 

    1 Peter 4:8 (ESV) “Above all, keep loving one another earnestly, since love covers a multitude of sins.”

    Ephesians 4:32 (ESV) “Be kind to one another, tenderhearted, forgiving one another, as God in Christ forgave you.”

    If we don’t forgive our spouse, we’re essentially telling them the blood Christ shed on the cross for their sins wasn’t enough payment for what they’ve done. When you find it hard to forgive when your spouse sins against you, remember how much you’ve been forgiven by your Heavenly Father, and follow this command in the Bible to forgive. You’ll never regret it. 

    **Please note, forgiveness doesn’t mean condoning what happened or leaving yourself open to being sinned against repeatedly in the same manner. That’s a different conversation. Forgiveness can come with boundaries, and oftentimes, it should.**

    Whatever the current state of your marriage, the good news is there is always hope. Miracles still happen. Restoration happens. If you’re currently fighting for your marriage, have faith! If you’re breathing, there’s still a chance. 

    And the even better news is that if your marriage does end or isn’t restored, you’re not alone. Remember, the Lord Your Maker is your husband:

    Isaiah 54:5 (ESV) “For your Maker is your husband, the Lord of hosts is his name; and the Holy One of Israel is your Redeemer, the God of the whole earth he is called.”

    Dear sister, if you’re subject to an unwanted divorce, you are not simply a statistic. You are a child of God, and He is with you through every hard season and dark valley. Cling to Him. And bask in His love that never fails.

    Photo Credit: ©Getty Images/Vimvertigo

    Betsy St. Amant Haddox is the author of over twenty romance novels and novellas. She resides in north Louisiana with her hubby, two daughters, an impressive stash of coffee mugs, and one furry Schnauzer-toddler. Betsy has a B.A. in Communications and a deep-rooted passion for seeing women restored to truth. When she’s not composing her next book or trying to prove unicorns are real, Betsy can be found somewhere in the vicinity of an iced coffee. She is a regular contributor to iBelieve.com and offers author coaching and editorial services via Storyside LLC. 

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  • What Does it Mean to Be a Wife of Noble Character?

    What Does it Mean to Be a Wife of Noble Character?

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    Preconceived notions overflow about the kind of wife a woman “should” be. Maybe these are shaped by pop culture in some way — she must be attractive, kind, fashionable, and funny, simultaneously a fantastic mom and a whiz in the boardroom.

    One passage from Proverbs in the Bible titled “Epilogue: The Wife of Noble Character” details a wife so exemplary her works are celebrated and wholeheartedly applauded by the entire community.

    “A wife of noble character who can find? She is worth far more than rubies,” we’re told in Proverbs 31:10.

    The chapter goes on as an acrostic poem using all the letters in the Hebrew alphabet, describing a woman so excellent “her works bring her praise at the city gate” (v. 31). She wakes early, providing for her family with strong arms and a stronger mind.

    Faithful and fair, she cares for the poor, has phenomenal business acuity, is skilled with thread and needle, and enjoys a great relationship with her husband and her kids. Best of all, we’re told she “fears the Lord” (v. 30).

    Is this the expectation of the kind of wife we should be? What does it mean to be a wife of “noble character,” as described in Proverbs 31:10?

    Let’s take a look at what this means and if this idealized version of womanhood is even possible.

    What Does the Original Hebrew Say?

    First, it’s important to understand the words “wife” and “noble” are not necessarily as we would interpret them today. The word translated as “wife” is actually issa or ishah, which means woman, usually a wife or a woman of some importance.

    The word translated as “noble” is hayil, or chayil, meaning valiant, brave, courageous, or capable. Of note is that this is the same word used in Judges 6:12 to describe Gideon, a judge over Israel, yet there it is translated as “mighty.”

    Therefore, this wife of noble character is not some queenly, regal figurehead sitting detached and aloof on her throne, blithely ordering servants to and fro. Rather, this is a strong and courageous woman, a female version of Gideon’s “mighty warrior.”

    Why Is This ‘Wife of Noble Character’ So Wonderful?

    Make no mistake: the woman being described here is no ordinary woman. She is a superwoman of sorts. She has much work and does it all skillfully and without complaint, and her efforts not only help her family but spill over into the community, benefitting the needy as well.

    She has dignity but a sense of humor and is generally the kind of person you can count on to do the right thing always.

    Indeed, she’s a rare find, valued more than precious stones. In many ways, this gem of a woman is much like wisdom, lauded throughout Proverbs.

    Wisdom is presented throughout Proverbs as a woman. For instance, in Proverbs 1:20, wisdom is personified as a woman who “raises her voice in the public square,” while in Proverbs 9:1, she “has built her house; she has set up its seven pillars.” Like a loving and excellent spouse, we are to welcome and value wisdom.

    Proverbs, also known as the book of wisdom, introduces itself as being written “for gaining wisdom and instruction” (Proverbs 1:2).

    As it notes near the start of the book, “The fear of the Lord is the beginning of knowledge, but fools despise wisdom and instruction” (Proverbs 1:7).

    This is exactly the sort of woman this “wife of noble character” is — one filled with wisdom, “who fears the Lord” (Proverbs 31:30).

    Proverbs 3:15 describes wisdom much like this wife of noble character, noting wisdom “is more precious than rubies; nothing you desire can compare with her.”

    And as the book says later about wisdom, in Proverbs 8:35, “For those who find me find life and receive favor from the Lord.”

    The same is said for one who is blessed with a wife of noble character and those who have that noble character themselves.

    Is This the Expectation of the Kind of Wife We Should Be?

    Yes, this is the kind of wife women “should” be — yet it’s important to understand this is an idealized version of womanhood, not a job description.

    The “wife of noble character” is a top-level goal, something women should strive for while knowing full well perfection isn’t actually possible for anyone except the Lord.

    Yet it’s not just about womanhood. This is a goal for all people. We all must seek to be like Lady Wisdom and embody the traits of the wife of noble character.

    It might help to understand this much like the way Christians are expected to emulate Jesus. All Christians are sinful in nature, yet we strive to be like our role model, Jesus, though most of us fall far short. We spend our lives attempting, usually in vain, to overcome our human weaknesses and become holy.

    Similarly, women might strive to be like Jesus, or a Proverbs 31-type woman, knowing we cannot possibly get to this pinnacle of excellence on our own.

    As the Bible later explains, we can never be “good enough” or work hard enough to earn our place in heaven. God’s forgiveness and our salvation depend on his mercy, not our worth.

    We cannot earn this but instead must simply accept the gift given to us by Jesus — the perfect, unblemished lamb whose willing death on the cross paid our debt and guaranteed eternal life for those who believe in him.

    Still, we must still try our best to model Christ well so others can know him, too, and so God’s works can abound on earth.

    As Jesus says in John 15:5, “I am the vine; you are the branches. If you remain in me and I in you, you will bear much fruit; apart from me you can do nothing.”

    The Wife of Noble Character in the Bible

    While we know there is no perfect person other than Jesus himself, there are some people who can be called a wife of noble character.

    In Ruth, Boaz called her “a woman of noble character” when he discovered her at his feet on the threshing floor (Ruth 3:11).

    Boaz, a powerful, highly respected, and good man, knew Ruth chose to stay with her mother-in-law, Naomi, after the death of her husband and resettle in a foreign land far from her own people.

    He knew she behaved in an upstanding and morally righteous manner and worked hard in the fields to provide for Naomi. Later, Boaz married Ruth. Her son, Obed, was the father of Jesse, who was the father of King David — and eventually one of Jesus’s ancestors (Matthew 1:5).

    A woman of noble character is honest, hardworking, trustworthy, and wise, like Ruth. She is loyal and dependable, striving to serve the Lord and do what is right rather than gain power, success, or wealth. She is also kind and, compassionate, and generous to others.

    While not specifically labeled as such, we can find examples of other virtuous women “of noble character” in the Bible: Rachel, patient, and hardworking wife of Jacob (Genesis 29, 30).

    Hannah, prayerful formerly barren mother of the prophet Samuel (1 Samuel 1); Esther, who risked her life and station to advocate for her people, the Jews, before the king (Esther 4:16).

    Elizabeth, mother of John the Baptist (Luke 1); Mary, the “worthy” and “favored” one chosen to be the mother of Jesus (Luke 1); and Mary Magdalene, a devout follower of Jesus (Luke 8).

    Is There a Connection Between a ‘Noble Woman’ and Wisdom?

    As Proverbs is also called the book of wisdom, and it begins with wisdom personified as a woman, calling on top of the wall for the people to repent and return to her (Proverbs 1:21), and ends by describing a woman of excellence (Proverbs 31:10-31) who seems to embody all of the wisdom detailed throughout the book, yes. There is a strong connection between a “noblewoman” and wisdom.

    As people everywhere are to cultivate and welcome wisdom, Proverbs tells us men are to cultivate and welcome the noblewoman. As it says in Proverbs 12:4, “A wife of noble character is her husband’s crown, but a disgraceful wife is like decay in his bones.”

    Of course, this does not apply only to men and their wives. Women, men who do not marry, and indeed all people, are to seek such righteousness and excellence in their lives. The teaching of Proverbs is intended for all of God’s people.

    So let us all — women, as well as men — strive to be like the wife of noble character described in Proverbs 31. Let us all work to be selfless, hardworking, compassionate, virtuous, strong, and kind.

    For further reading:

    What Does it Mean to be a Proverbs 31 Woman?

    Should Godly Women Laugh Without Fear of the Future?

    What Does it Mean to be a Godly Woman?

    Photo Credit: ©iStock/Getty Images Plus/Ivan-balvan

    Jessica Brodie is an award-winning Christian novelist, journalist, editor, blogger, and writing coach and the recipient of the 2018 American Christian Fiction Writers Genesis Award for her novel, The Memory Garden. She is also the editor of the South Carolina United Methodist Advocate, the oldest newspaper in Methodism. Learn more about her fiction and read her faith blog at jessicabrodie.com. She has a weekly YouTube devotional, too. You can also connect with her on Facebook, Twitter, and more. She’s also produced a free eBook, A God-Centered Life: 10 Faith-Based Practices When You’re Feeling Anxious, Grumpy, or Stressed.

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    Jessica Brodie

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  • A Letter to the Friend of the Socially Anxious

    A Letter to the Friend of the Socially Anxious

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    I can remember a time when I hated when plans with friends would suddenly change or fall through. It was such a letdown when I had been looking forward to exciting plans and was only met with feeling bummed and, sometimes, experiencing feelings of rejection, loneliness, and sadness too.

    It can be frustrating having friendships with individuals who struggle with social anxiety. All the hype you instill, checking in, reassuring, and, especially, those moments when you are dressed and ready to go but receive an “I can’t make it!” text at the last minute. 

    You, friend, are not lost in the wake of your friend’s social anxiety. Your efforts are seen, appreciated, and are what keep us going. We would love nothing more than to live as socially as we are when plans are first made. We wish the waves of anxiety would halt for scheduled and unexpected plans. Without your help, we would probably be even more secluded than we already are. You are the breath of fresh air that encourages us to keep trying. You are the buoy that we can hang onto that keeps us afloat. But we know that even though we know how important you are to us, you may sometimes feel rejected, defeated, and tired. It is hard maintaining relationships with friends who mentally struggle. It is discouraging to make plan after plan, deep down knowing that the plans will not be followed through.

    Your friendship matters to us, so let’s talk about some ways that you can help support your socially anxious friend:

    Check-in Before the Event

    There is an immense amount of anticipation leading up to moments of socializing. All the worries of what if, could be, and worst-case scenarios plague our thoughts. These worries pile up days, weeks, and even months before the event occurs. Of course, rationally, everything will be just fine. But in our minds, irrationally, everything will not be fine. And, our brain is stuck in the irrational even when you plead logically with us. Your advice, support, and help before the event matter to us.

    • Tip: Role-play different conversations that could take place, talk through different worries as they come up, have a plan for when to arrive and leave, and remind us that we’ve overcome hard things before.

    “As iron sharpens iron, so a friend sharpens a friend.” Proverbs 27:17 NLT

    Check in During the Event

    Regardless of how the night is going, check in. We may be putting on our bravest face, talking endlessly, and appear to be comfortable, but, we could be talking faster than our brains can process. We could be drowning on the inside, doing our best to say all the right things and not embarrass ourselves. We could be planning how to get out of this situation and flee. We could be analyzing the body language and facial expressions of everyone around us and piling on all the emotions in the room.

    • Pull your friend aside for a quick “break check” as often as necessary, supplement conversation when you can, and be present.

    “Therefore encourage and comfort one another and build up one another, just as you are doing.” 1 Thessalonians 5:11 AMP

    Check in After the Event

    After the event is over, cue the start-up of the merry-go-round of worries. Remember when I said we may be talking faster than our brains can process? Well, all we can think about is what everyone thinks about us, how embarrassed we are about things that we said, or analyzing every facial expression.

    • Talk on the drive home of the highs and lows, talk through any worries that come up, and check in as necessary in the following days.

    “If either of them falls down, one can help the other up. But pity anyone who falls and has no one to help them up.” Ecclesiastes 4:10 NIV

    Be Supportive, Even When You Do Not Understand

    You do not have to personally understand our struggle to be supportive. You can be a safe person for us by giving us the space to wade through anxious thoughts without judgment or annoyance. Help your friend to distinguish the truth in the midst of the lies. Many times, we are so consumed or overwhelmed that we need someone to see our circumstances from a different perspective or viewpoint.

    • Look to God’s Word together to replace the lies with truth and talk it over with your friend, as you can, no matter how many times he/she brings it up.

    “Share each other’s burdens, and in this way obey the law of Christ.” Galatians 6:2 NLT

    Please, don’t criticize our fears.

    Making light of your friend’s anxiety can be an opportunity to break the ice, but please, don’t do that. Your friend likely already feels so defeated by their own thoughts about their struggles. Please, don’t add to the weight your friend is already carrying. How would you like to be treated if the role was reversed and you were the one plagued with distress? 

    “So in everything, do to others what you would have them do to you, for this sums up the Law and the Prophets.” Matthew 7:12 NIV

    Your feelings matter, too.

    I think I can speak for your friend when I say we understand your feelings matter also. Let us know when it is too much or when you need a break. You are important to us! The last thing we want to do is be a burden or add to the weight you’re carrying.

    “Two people are better off than one, for they can help each other succeed. If one person falls, the other can reach out and help. But someone who falls alone is in real trouble. Likewise, two people lying close together can keep each other warm. But how can one be warm alone? A person standing alone can be attacked and defeated, but two can stand back-to-back and conquer. Three are even better, for a triple-braided cord is not easily broken.” Ecclesiastes 4:9-12

    I have sadly experienced the loss of friendships due to my social anxiety. Friendships that I never wanted to see the end, but, inevitably, did. So, to the friends who keep sticking around, thank you! Thank you for accepting each of us as we are. Thank you for not giving up on us. Thank you for choosing to keep checking on us. Thank you for allowing God to use you in our struggle. We know, all too well, that this burden is heavy to carry, but we hope you know how much it means to us that we do not have to carry it alone. We acknowledge and see the love of Christ on display through your presence, your support, and your love.

    Photo Credit: ©iStock/Getty Images Plus/Tero Vesalainen

    Laura Spurlin is a Christian, wife to her high school sweetheart, mama to her kiddos, nurse, and writer that has a passion for sharing what the Lord puts on her heart about motherhood, mental health, and all things in the Word of God.

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    Laura Spurlin

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  • 4 Reasons to Trust Again

    4 Reasons to Trust Again

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    A second reason to trust again is to start new relationships. Maybe a friend, a partner, or a spouse significantly broke trust with you. Your friend lied to you or said mean things behind your back. A partner may have forgotten about your birthday or forgot to pick you up for a date. Or maybe your spouse cheated on you and you are now in the workings of divorce. Each of these circumstances can dramatically hurt us and cause us pain. In addition to causing us pain, they can cause us to not trust these individuals again. It can even cause us to have a hard time trusting anyone again.

    At these times, it is important to remember that not everyone is like that friend, partner, or spouse who lied to you, hurt you, or betrayed you. It is worthwhile to open up your heart and your trust to others if they have demonstrated the actions of being someone who is trustworthy. Even if you may never see that friend, partner, or spouse being trustworthy again, you can still find trustworthy people out in the world who deserve your trust. Many times, we wish we could trust these individuals who were once close to us, but we haven’t been given any tangible proof that they are worthy of our trust.

    If the person has taken the right steps to become worthy of our trust again, we should be open to trusting them again. However, if you have been sexually, physically, or emotionally abused, you are not obligated to trust them again. Even though the individual may apologize or act convincingly, it is best not to rekindle relationships with those who sexually, physically, or emotionally abused us. Never are we called to trust those who have hurt us in this way. While we are to forgive, it doesn’t mean what they did was okay. Rather, forgiving them means we give it all over to Christ.

    Photo Credit: ©iStock/Getty Images Plus/fizkes

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    Vivian Bricker

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  • 6 Ways to Support a Grieving Friend

    6 Ways to Support a Grieving Friend

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    Grief can be an especially difficult concept. People who are grieving have difficulty with the emotions surrounding grief, and the people who want to support those grieving can also have a difficult time with it. But it is so important to support friends during difficult times. Exodus 17:10-12 says, “So Joshua fought the Amalekites as Moses had ordered, and Moses, Aaron and Hur went to the top of the hill. As long as Moses held up his hands, the Israelites were winning, but whenever he lowered his hands, the Amalekites were winning.  When Moses’ hands grew tired, they took a stone and put it under him and he sat on it. Aaron and Hur held his hands up—one on one side, one on the other—so that his hands remained steady till sunset.” People need the tangible support of others through gestures, encouragement, and help from dear friends.

    However, it is easy to say a quick cliché rather than sit with someone in deep sadness. It is important not to state platitudes when a friend’s loved one has passed away, like “God doesn’t give us more than we can handle” or “he is in a better place,” because although it sounds soothing, it does not provide the person much relief. It only provides the “comforter” a quick way to get out of a tough situation. But what can a person do when a friend is grieving? 

    Here are six ways to support a grieving friend: 

    1. Pray for Them

    The most important thing you can do for a friend is pray for them. Ask the Holy Spirit, the Great Comforter, to give them peace that passes all understanding. That is the best gift a person in grief can receive. Ask the Holy Spirit to speak to you regarding that person. When God gives you a word of encouragement, be sure to pass it on to that friend. It may speak to their heart in a way that they have not verbalized to anyone else, including you. This will help them feel seen and known by God and meet their deep emotional needs for comfort and support.

    2. Make Them a Meal

    Offer to make a meal for someone in grief. It is a tangible way to meet their needs and demonstrate their presence in your life. Be sure not to make what you like, but rather ask them what they would like to eat. If they have a special diet or are a picky eater, buy a gift card to their favorite restaurant or order their favorite meal and have it delivered to their home (tip included). They may not feel up to eating when they first experience loss, but with the passing of time, their appetite will increase, and having a quick meal that can be available instantly will be of great help to them. 

    3. Encourage Them

    One of the best resources we have for encouragement is the Word of God. Take a day and go through the passages where people are in deep sorrow or pain. Write down the things that God said to them during that time. Read the context surrounding it and re-enact the ways God was the Great Comforter to others. In the coming weeks, say nothing to your friend but rather demonstrate your friendship by re-enacting these scenarios to their comfort level. It can be as simple as sending a bouquet of flowers a month after the loss, checking in on them, letting them know you were thinking of them after all the family members have left, or calling them on the phone and leaving a message letting them know you are praying for them. 

    People often have a large amount of support when someone first passes away before and immediately after a funeral. But three to four weeks after all the family members have gone back home and that person is left alone is when they will experience another wave of grief. Demonstrating these acts of kindness in this time will demonstrate Jesus and his love in your life in ways that will provide them comfort for months to come.

    4. Be the Hands and Feet of Jesus

    Making a meal or buying a gift card to a favorite restaurant is a great start to demonstrating support and kindness. Try to go the extra mile when it comes to supporting your friend during your time of grief. Offer to say a few words about the loved one if there is a funeral service. Ask them if there are any errands they need to run or tie up loose when it comes to their loved one’s loss. Pay for groceries and have them delivered to your friend’s home. Offer to pay for any last-minute costs at the funeral home or grave site. Discover ways to demonstrate Jesus in tangible ways to your friend. If you are running out of ways to do that, ask the Lord to reveal any needs that your friend might have that he or she has not made you aware of. Do your best to meet them in a kind and loving way to demonstrate you are a good friend supporting them through a tough time.

    5. Write Them a Note

    In this technological world, many have lost the art of handwritten notes. By a sympathy card or blank note and write in it all the ways your friend has been an encouragement to you. Highlight their good qualities and why they are such a good friend to you. In the hustle and bustle of life, we often don’t say the important things that make people feel special. Tell them all the ways you love them and encourage them not to feel bad if they don’t recover from their loss right away. 

    6. Check in on Them

    Grief is not linear; grief can take years, and people go through many stages before grief is finally complete. Don’t rush them but let them know you are there for them. Send a random text letting them know you were thinking of them. Buy a gift from Amazon that you know they’ll like and have it delivered to their door. Make their birthday or another special holiday extra special during their time of loss. Spare no expense on a gift, throw a party in their honor, or host a card shower where other friends and family can write notes of encouragement to their friend. Checking in on them often will help them feel more comfortable to share with you if you’re going through a rough time or ask for help if needed. Don’t get discouraged if your friend is quick with a response or doesn’t respond at all. Give gifts and notes of encouragement without expecting an emotional payoff for you too. Be someone who loves others with no strings attached. 

    Grief is not something anyone should go through alone. God has provided us with people to support us through difficult times in our lives. Be the Hur to the Moses in your life. Hold up people’s hands when they are weakest, and you may find when you are having a difficult time, you have the support you need as well. 

    Photo Credit: ©Getty Images/Rawpixel

    Michelle S. Lazurek is a multi-genre award-winning author, speaker, pastor’s wife, and mother. She is a literary agent for Wordwise Media Services and a certified writing coach. Her new children’s book Who God Wants Me to Be encourages girls to discover God’s plan for their careers. When not working, she enjoys sipping a Starbucks latte, collecting 80s memorabilia, and spending time with her family and her crazy dog. For more info, please visit her website www.michellelazurek.com.

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  • 4 Ways for the Introvert to Invest in Community

    4 Ways for the Introvert to Invest in Community

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    A fourth way for the introvert to invest in the community is to connect digitally. In the modern day, everything seems to have gone digital. Whether that be social media, websites, or emails, we can connect digitally now, which is a huge blessing to introverts. While the Lord does want us to connect to people in person, the internet is now a great place to spread the Gospel and build community in new ways. Through connecting to others by the means of the internet, we can help build relationships in ways not possible before.

    As an introvert, you are most likely extremely creative, and now is the time to put your creative talents to practice. You can design your own website to help believers connect, disciple one another, and discuss struggles you might be going through. You can tell your friends about the website and have them connect with you too. Once a website is published on the internet, it is only a matter of time until more people see your website and will be able to benefit from your support, encouragement, and help in Christ.

    If making a website isn’t your thing, maybe you could connect with some friends you haven’t spoken to in a while over social media. You could send them a message checking in on them and have a conversation to see how they are doing. The simple act of extending love, support, and care will make their entire day and might be just what your friend needs that day. God is very pleased when we choose to go out of our way to help others and when we choose to do things that are right even if they are scary for us. For me, even talking over text or email can be overwhelming because I tend to overthink everything, including punctuation. 

    However, the more practice we get at communicating with others in our community, whether in person or digitally, the more confident we will become in helping others. The Lord wants us to help those around us and be part of our community. As lights for Christ, we need to shine brightly for Him and point others to His amazing grace. Even though we are introverts doesn’t mean we are not capable of helping others know about Christ and investing in the community around us because we are more than capable. If you’re an introvert and are looking to invest in the community, hopefully, one of these four ways will help you start today. 

    Photo Credit: ©GettyImages/Wavebreakmedia

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    Vivian Bricker

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  • Has Culture Lost Touch with Old-Fashioned Love Letters?

    Has Culture Lost Touch with Old-Fashioned Love Letters?

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    He cut a piece of paper into the shape of a flower, colored it, and wrote a few short sweet words in black ink. Then he gave it to my roommate to place on my pillow. The next day came a beautiful, enormous bouquet of Stargazer Lilies.

    Those flowers are long gone, but the note I will keep forever. Written a quarter of a century ago, it’s the first “love letter” I ever received from my hubby. It’s tucked away in a little box along with the other short notes he wrote on post-its and longer letters he penned on engineering paper while we attended college.

    I am not super-sentimental, and I’m much more of a tosser than a keeper, but I don’t think I’ve ever thrown out a single thing that Corey has handwritten to me. There is something about seeing the handwriting of the person you love, with its scribbled-out words and doodles and ink smudges that make you feel adored in a way a social media message will never be able to achieve.

    Corey and I rarely write notes to each other anymore, and we certainly don’t write long handwritten love letters. But I can’t help but think that our relationship would benefit if we did.

    The Science of Letter Writing

    In fact, there is a Kent State study that offers proof of this theory. In 2007, Associate Professor in Human Development and Family Studies, Steve Toepfer, took a sampling of 219 “relatively happy” undergraduate college students. Each student was required to fill out a battery of questionnaires about their well-being during the first week of the study. Toepfer then divided the students into a control group and an experimental group; each was obligated to return to the research lab three times over the next three weeks. The control group simply filled out questionnaires each week, while the experimental group wrote letters of gratitude before filling out the questionnaire. 

    The letters had to be meaningful; a quick thank-you note was insufficient. When the study concluded, Toepfer found that the more letter-writing the students did, the more their happiness and overall life satisfaction increased. He also found that depressive symptoms decreased. 

    “What we come away with from this study is that if you are looking to increase your well-being through intentional activities, take 15 minutes three times over three weeks and write [a] letter of gratitude to someone,” Toepfer said in an article by Emily Vincent on the Kent State website. “This is a cumulative effect. If you write over time, you’ll feel happier, you’ll feel more satisfied, and if you’re suffering from depressive symptoms, your symptoms will decrease.”

    The World Needs More Love Letters

    Hannah Brencher discovered the art of writing letters after she excitedly moved to New York City, fresh out of college for her dream job. Instead of experiencing the fulfillment she hoped for, she found herself battling depression. In an effort to relieve some of that depression, she began writing love letters to random people and leaving them around the city. Then she hopped on social media and offered to write a handwritten letter to anyone who asked for one. In a very short period of time, her inbox was overwhelmed with requests. 

    Brencher’s accidental letter-writing campaign blossomed into more than she could have imagined, and she now runs a global organization called “The World Needs More Love Letters” with a primary purpose of connecting people through letter writing.

    In a TED Talk, Bencher describes being approached by a stranger who noticed her large mail crate and asked why she didn’t just use the Internet.

    Her response, 

    “Sir, I’m not a strategist, nor am I a specialist, I am merely a storyteller. So I could tell you about the woman whose husband has just come home from Afghanistan and is having a hard time unlocking this thing called conversation, so she tucks love letters throughout the house as a way to say, ‘Come back to me. Find me when you can.’. . . Or the man who decides that he is going to take his own life, and uses Facebook as a way to say good-bye to friends and family. Well, tonight he sleeps safely with a stack of letters tucked beneath his pillow, scripted by strangers who were there for him.”

    Because of experiences like this, Bencher firmly believes letter writing is an art form. She notes that the intentionality of sitting down with a piece of paper and pen and thinking about someone the whole way through writing a letter can’t be achieved when we have browsers open, texts/snaps coming in and social media updates dividing our attention. “(Letter writing) is an art form that does not bow down to the Goliath of ‘let’s go faster,’” she said.

    Love Letters in Real Life

    I’m guessing you don’t receive many love letters. I know I don’t. According to a 2021 CBS News article, nobody really does. 37% of Americans polled for the article said it’s been more than five years since they have written or received a personal letter. And more than one in five adults under age 45 have never written a personal letter. It seems maybe society has moved beyond the age of letter writing.

    But think about the last time you found a handwritten envelope amidst the credit card applications and campaign ads in your snail-mail box. Did you get a warm feeling knowing someone took the time to reach out to you? And on that rare occasion that you send a handwritten card to a friend or tuck a love note in your hubby’s lunchbox, do you get a tiny surge of adrenaline as you imagine the person you love reading the words that you wrote?

    It’s hard to slow down long enough to share our love with someone in this fast-paced world, but maybe a notebook and a pen are exactly what we need to do so. Maybe we should consider adding letter writing to our routine.

    Prolific author Mary Potter Kenyon has included letter-writing in her regular routine for decades and even wrote a book about it. Mary & Me: A Lasting Link Through Ink (co-authored by Mary Jedlicka Humston) details a decades-long friendship retained through weekly letter writing. 

    When Mary recently remarried after over a decade of widowhood, she told her husband that the perfect birthday gift to her would be the gift of his words. “I told him, ‘the best gift you could ever give me is your words written on paper. I want you to write how you feel about me, or what I mean to you.’ He thought it was kind of silly, but he does it now,” she said.

    Though it doesn’t come easy to him, he writes her notes on special occasions, and Mary treasures them all, keeping them in a prominent location so she can reread them. Something texts and emails just don’t allow. 

    The Bible as a Love Letter

    The Bible is often described as God’s love letter to us. The entirety of the God-breathed text of Scripture is his way of reaching out to a sinful world with his story of sacrificial love for us. It’s a book filled with words we can read and reread, each time knowing the God of the universe cares deeply for us. A letter that is written broadly to all of humanity but that is alive and active (Hebrews 4:12 NIV) in a way that allows it to reach each individual in personal ways.

    Within the text of the Bible are many individual letters. Letters written to admonish, encourage, teach, and comfort. Laura Boyle of the Jane Austen Center even suggests that the love letter’s earliest manifestation may perhaps be the Bible’s Song of Solomon.

    If love letters have proven benefits, if we personally find joy in reading someone’s handwritten words to us, and if God uses his words on paper to reach generation after generation of his creation, maybe we should consider how we can add this ancient form of communication back into our daily lives.

    Who can you write a letter to today?

    Photo Credit: ©SWN

    Kim Harms is an author, speaker, and part-time librarian with two decades of freelance writing experience. She has a degree in English from Iowa State University. She is married to an adventure-lover, and together they have three super-awesome sons, but only the youngest still lives at home. Her book, Life Reconstructed: Navigating the World of Mastectomies and Breast Reconstruction, is a guide for women walking the breast cancer road. She also offers breast cancer resources at her website, kimharms.net. She can be found on Instagram @kimharmslifereconstructed where it turns out that her dog is way more popular than she is, raking in the views when he is the star of her reels.

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    Kim Harms

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