A fourth way for the introvert to invest in the community is to connect digitally. In the modern day, everything seems to have gone digital. Whether that be social media, websites, or emails, we can connect digitally now, which is a huge blessing to introverts. While the Lord does want us to connect to people in person, the internet is now a great place to spread the Gospel and build community in new ways. Through connecting to others by the means of the internet, we can help build relationships in ways not possible before.
As an introvert, you are most likely extremely creative, and now is the time to put your creative talents to practice. You can design your own website to help believers connect, disciple one another, and discuss struggles you might be going through. You can tell your friends about the website and have them connect with you too. Once a website is published on the internet, it is only a matter of time until more people see your website and will be able to benefit from your support, encouragement, and help in Christ.
If making a website isn’t your thing, maybe you could connect with some friends you haven’t spoken to in a while over social media. You could send them a message checking in on them and have a conversation to see how they are doing. The simple act of extending love, support, and care will make their entire day and might be just what your friend needs that day. God is very pleased when we choose to go out of our way to help others and when we choose to do things that are right even if they are scary for us. For me, even talking over text or email can be overwhelming because I tend to overthink everything, including punctuation.
However, the more practice we get at communicating with others in our community, whether in person or digitally, the more confident we will become in helping others. The Lord wants us to help those around us and be part of our community. As lights for Christ, we need to shine brightly for Him and point others to His amazing grace. Even though we are introverts doesn’t mean we are not capable of helping others know about Christ and investing in the community around us because we are more than capable. If you’re an introvert and are looking to invest in the community, hopefully, one of these four ways will help you start today.
He cut a piece of paper into the shape of a flower, colored it, and wrote a few short sweet words in black ink. Then he gave it to my roommate to place on my pillow. The next day came a beautiful, enormous bouquet of Stargazer Lilies.
Those flowers are long gone, but the note I will keep forever. Written a quarter of a century ago, it’s the first “love letter” I ever received from my hubby. It’s tucked away in a little box along with the other short notes he wrote on post-its and longer letters he penned on engineering paper while we attended college.
I am not super-sentimental, and I’m much more of a tosser than a keeper, but I don’t think I’ve ever thrown out a single thing that Corey has handwritten to me. There is something about seeing the handwriting of the person you love, with its scribbled-out words and doodles and ink smudges that make you feel adored in a way a social media message will never be able to achieve.
Corey and I rarely write notes to each other anymore, and we certainly don’t write long handwritten love letters. But I can’t help but think that our relationship would benefit if we did.
The Science of Letter Writing
In fact, there is a Kent State study that offers proof of this theory. In 2007, Associate Professor in Human Development and Family Studies, Steve Toepfer, took a sampling of 219 “relatively happy” undergraduate college students. Each student was required to fill out a battery of questionnaires about their well-being during the first week of the study. Toepfer then divided the students into a control group and an experimental group; each was obligated to return to the research lab three times over the next three weeks. The control group simply filled out questionnaires each week, while the experimental group wrote letters of gratitude before filling out the questionnaire.
The letters had to be meaningful; a quick thank-you note was insufficient. When the study concluded, Toepfer found that the more letter-writing the students did, the more their happiness and overall life satisfaction increased. He also found that depressive symptoms decreased.
“What we come away with from this study is that if you are looking to increase your well-being through intentional activities, take 15 minutes three times over three weeks and write [a] letter of gratitude to someone,” Toepfer said in an article by Emily Vincent on the Kent State website. “This is a cumulative effect. If you write over time, you’ll feel happier, you’ll feel more satisfied, and if you’re suffering from depressive symptoms, your symptoms will decrease.”
The World Needs More Love Letters
Hannah Brencher discovered the art of writing letters after she excitedly moved to New York City, fresh out of college for her dream job. Instead of experiencing the fulfillment she hoped for, she found herself battling depression. In an effort to relieve some of that depression, she began writing love letters to random people and leaving them around the city. Then she hopped on social media and offered to write a handwritten letter to anyone who asked for one. In a very short period of time, her inbox was overwhelmed with requests.
Brencher’s accidental letter-writing campaign blossomed into more than she could have imagined, and she now runs a global organization called “The World Needs More Love Letters” with a primary purpose of connecting people through letter writing.
In a TED Talk, Bencher describes being approached by a stranger who noticed her large mail crate and asked why she didn’t just use the Internet.
Her response,
“Sir, I’m not a strategist, nor am I a specialist, I am merely a storyteller. So I could tell you about the woman whose husband has just come home from Afghanistan and is having a hard time unlocking this thing called conversation, so she tucks love letters throughout the house as a way to say, ‘Come back to me. Find me when you can.’. . . Or the man who decides that he is going to take his own life, and uses Facebook as a way to say good-bye to friends and family. Well, tonight he sleeps safely with a stack of letters tucked beneath his pillow, scripted by strangers who were there for him.”
Because of experiences like this, Bencher firmly believes letter writing is an art form. She notes that the intentionality of sitting down with a piece of paper and pen and thinking about someone the whole way through writing a letter can’t be achieved when we have browsers open, texts/snaps coming in and social media updates dividing our attention. “(Letter writing) is an art form that does not bow down to the Goliath of ‘let’s go faster,’” she said.
Love Letters in Real Life
I’m guessing you don’t receive many love letters. I know I don’t. According to a 2021 CBS News article, nobody really does. 37% of Americans polled for the article said it’s been more than five years since they have written or received a personal letter. And more than one in five adults under age 45 have never written a personal letter. It seems maybe society has moved beyond the age of letter writing.
But think about the last time you found a handwritten envelope amidst the credit card applications and campaign ads in your snail-mail box. Did you get a warm feeling knowing someone took the time to reach out to you? And on that rare occasion that you send a handwritten card to a friend or tuck a love note in your hubby’s lunchbox, do you get a tiny surge of adrenaline as you imagine the person you love reading the words that you wrote?
It’s hard to slow down long enough to share our love with someone in this fast-paced world, but maybe a notebook and a pen are exactly what we need to do so. Maybe we should consider adding letter writing to our routine.
Prolific author Mary Potter Kenyon has included letter-writing in her regular routine for decades and even wrote a book about it. Mary & Me: A Lasting Link Through Ink (co-authored by Mary Jedlicka Humston) details a decades-long friendship retained through weekly letter writing.
When Mary recently remarried after over a decade of widowhood, she told her husband that the perfect birthday gift to her would be the gift of his words. “I told him, ‘the best gift you could ever give me is your words written on paper. I want you to write how you feel about me, or what I mean to you.’ He thought it was kind of silly, but he does it now,” she said.
Though it doesn’t come easy to him, he writes her notes on special occasions, and Mary treasures them all, keeping them in a prominent location so she can reread them. Something texts and emails just don’t allow.
The Bible as a Love Letter
The Bible is often described as God’s love letter to us. The entirety of the God-breathed text of Scripture is his way of reaching out to a sinful world with his story of sacrificial love for us. It’s a book filled with words we can read and reread, each time knowing the God of the universe cares deeply for us. A letter that is written broadly to all of humanity but that is alive and active (Hebrews 4:12 NIV) in a way that allows it to reach each individual in personal ways.
Within the text of the Bible are many individual letters. Letters written to admonish, encourage, teach, and comfort. Laura Boyle of the Jane Austen Center even suggests that the love letter’s earliest manifestation may perhaps be the Bible’s Song of Solomon.
If love letters have proven benefits, if we personally find joy in reading someone’s handwritten words to us, and if God uses his words on paper to reach generation after generation of his creation, maybe we should consider how we can add this ancient form of communication back into our daily lives.
Kim Harms is an author, speaker, and part-time librarian with two decades of freelance writing experience. She has a degree in English from Iowa State University. She is married to an adventure-lover, and together they have three super-awesome sons, but only the youngest still lives at home. Her book, Life Reconstructed: Navigating the World of Mastectomies and Breast Reconstruction, is a guide for women walking the breast cancer road. She also offers breast cancer resources at her website, kimharms.net. She can be found on Instagram @kimharmslifereconstructed where it turns out that her dog is way more popular than she is, raking in the views when he is the star of her reels.
Ephesians 6:1 tells us, “Children, obey your parents in the Lord, for this is right.” This passage connects with Deuteronomy 5:16, “Honor your father and your mother, as the Lord your God has commanded you, so that you may live long and that it may go well with you in the land the Lord your God is giving you.” As we can tell from these passages of Scripture, children are told to obey their parents in the Lord, but what does this mean for adult children?
Obedience “in the Lord”
When God tells us to obey our parents, He tells us to obey our parents in the Lord. This means we only obey our parents in the realm that is in accordance with His teachings in the Bible. If our parents tell us to do something that is not in accordance with the Bible, we don’t have to obey them. As an example, if our parents tell us to hurt ourselves, hurt someone else, or lie for them, this isn’t right. We are not bound to follow these rules. If a parent ever tells you to do something that goes against Scripture, you are not bound to follow what they tell you.
We know we are to obey our parents in the Lord as we are children, but what about when we are adults? Are we still bound to obey our parents? The answer is the same—even as adult children, we are to obey our parents in the Lord. No matter how old we get, we are still supposed to obey our parents in the Lord. The key words here, yet again, are “in the Lord.” We are not called to obey our parents in everything they ask us to do. If their requests and wants don’t align with the Bible and the purpose God has for our lives, we don’t have to obey them. Even though our parents are our parents, their say-so and decisions aren’t more powerful than what God tells us in His Word.
God’s Word is our perfect guidebook to help us make the right decisions. If we follow God’s teachings in His Word, we can better serve God and stay fully devoted to Him. We all have earthly fathers, though many of our earthly fathers fail us. Either we never knew them, they left, or they are emotionally detached. While this is all too common with earthly fathers, God is our Heavenly Father, and He is always there for us and never leaves. He loves us far more than any earthly father could. God’s love for us cannot be measured, nor can it be contained.
Since God’s love for us is so great, we can know we can obey His teaching in the Bible. God is love, which means He loves us unconditionally and eternally. He is the exact embodiment of love. We know we can trust in the Lord and obey Him because He loves us. The teachings in the Bible are there to help us, not hinder us. While our parents might give us bad teachings or immoral rules to follow, we can always trust in God’s teachings as outlined in the Bible. He doesn’t ever do anything to hurt or harm us. The Lord is always there for us, and He desires our growth in Him.
Complicated Situations
Some of our parents can be quite tricky when it comes to the matter of obedience, so we need to always weigh what they say against Scripture. Even as adults, we are to obey our parents in the Lord, but we don’t have to obey them if they tell us to do something that isn’t right. Many parents have a hard time letting their adult children make their own decisions and can be controlling, even suffocating at times. Some teachings, rules, and restraints your parents have placed upon you might be unreasonable, but know that you don’t have to obey them unless they are in accordance with God’s Word.
As an example, while my mom was still alive, her rule for my sisters and me was that we couldn’t move out until we got married. While this was a common practice for people in my family, I never could fathom the idea of waiting until I was married to move out. In fact, marriage was never on my mind, so the idea of waiting to be married to move out felt like hanging doom over my head. From this rule set forth by my mother, I couldn’t move out unless I was no longer single. I remember being a teen when my mother said this, and while I was walking back to the living room with my sisters, I told them “I guess I’m never leaving home.” While it has continued to be a joke between my sisters and me, it was a scary idea to me at the time.
To have the rule brought forth that you couldn’t leave your parents’ house unless you were married was unreasonable. Nowhere in the Bible are we told that we must be married before moving out. Therefore, since this rule is not biblically sound, there is no reason why my sisters and I have to follow it. Rather, a more appropriate rule should have been, “once you are financially stable, you can move out.” Having marriage as a precondition to moving out should not be enforced upon anyone’s head. If anything, it makes you feel as if you’re not capable of living on your own unless you have a spouse.
Maybe you have had a similar rule in your household growing up, or maybe you still have those same rules pressed on you even though you are an adult. While being an adult does mean you make many more of your own decisions, you are still to obey your parents in the Lord. We should always respect our parents and be courteous to them even if they don’t act the same way back. Most of the time, if we defy a parent’s unbiblical rule or teaching, they become upset, even angry, with us. This is when we need to tell our parents that their rule or teaching is not in accordance with the Bible, which means we, as their children are not under obligation to obey it.
Need for Respect
When you address your parent(s) on these issues, you need to be respectful. Don’t be rude or sassy to your parents. Instead, show them proper respect and point them to what God says about the matter in the Bible. Parents like to think they know best, and to an extent, they can help us in many ways, but they are not God. Even if they give us great advice, only God knows best. It is always the best course of action to follow what God says rather than what other people say. If a parent makes a rule, such as not lying, this is in accordance with the Bible, and thus, we still need to maintain this rule even as an adult. However, we are never obligated to follow a parent’s teaching if it goes against God’s Word.
Thus, we are to obey our parents in the Lord, even as adult children. When the Bible tells us to obey our parents in the Lord, it means we are only obligated to do the things they ask that align with the Bible. If what they tell us to do is not biblically based, then we are not obligated to obey them. Even as adults, we must obey our parents in the Lord. This is right, and it pleases God when we obey Him.
Vivian Bricker loves Jesus, studying the Word of God, and helping others in their walk with Christ. She has earned a Bachelor of Arts and Master’s degree in Christian Ministry with a deep academic emphasis in theology. Her favorite things to do are spending time with her family and friends, reading, and spending time outside. When she is not writing, she is embarking on other adventures.
Sin can be so costly that the tragedy is unrecoverable, making us feel like we’ve crashed and can’t get back to where we were. We can do more harm to ourselves by dwelling on why we messed up. Our mind, particularly Satan, fools us into believing it’s irrevocable, that we can’t move on.
Why Do Christians Make Big Mistakes?
One of the main reasons Christians make blunders of varying magnitude is that God has given man the freedom to do anything he wants. In other words, God has given man the ability to make choices.
People frequently pray to God but are not patient enough to wait for His response and choose to blaze their own trail. God does not stand in the way of someone who has decided to do something, even if that person has asked for God’s direction but then continues to do whatever they wish.
Our bad choices cause us anguish and grief. However, when a Christian acknowledges that he has made a mistake, that individual seeks God’s assistance.
Sincere repentance deepens a Christian’s relationship with God and cultivates a stronger relationship. Even if making mistakes is undesirable, when they occur, the Christian has the grace to exercise his confidence in God’s promises.
Sometimes, afflictions or temptations may arise as a test of the graces or virtues of men. It doesn’t necessarily mean every trial comes because of sins or mistakes. However, if sin is not acknowledged, a believer is typically put under pressure and made to bear the consequences of his actions by undergoing trials. A “trial” is a hardship that puts the strength and faith of a Christian to the test.
1 Peter 1:7 “That the trial of your faith, being much more precious than of gold that perisheth, though it is tried with fire, might be found unto praise and honor and glory at the appearing of Jesus Christ:”
God does not want Christians to be victims of their own faults, but when they are, He is dedicated to seeing them through.
James 1:13 “Let no man say when he is tempted, “I am tempted of God: for God cannot be tempted with evil, neither tempteth he any man:” God never tempts anyone. But people’s lusts and passions lead to mistakes and temptations that overwhelm us.
Christians must study the Bible diligently and patiently listen to the direction of the Holy Spirit to grasp God’s plan before making decisions, and our approach to studying the Word of God matters if we are to hear from the Holy Spirit. The Scriptures should be read in prayer to prepare our hearts to hear from God. Prayer is required both before and after reading God’s Word because the devil is ready to misinterpret or steal the message a Christian can receive from the Bible.
It is reassuring to know that God does not abandon us after we have committed sins that may cause anguish and discomfort. Hebrews 10:23 says, “Let us hold fast the profession of our faith without wavering; for he is faithful that promised….”
God is faithful to keep His promises to which we turn with all our effort when we make costly mistakes.
Here are a few practical pointers on how to effectively recover–and grow stronger–after making a wrong decision:
1. Accept Responsibility
It’s unfortunate if events don’t turn out how you intended, someone you relied on lets you down, or you have a bad day.
When you stumble, you must make it clear to those affected by your error that you understand the magnitude of your mistake and accept responsibility.
If this mistake happened at your workplace, it is most appropriate for you to request a meeting to discuss the problem. Also, ensure that you maintain a professional tone focusing on the way forward rather than being sorry without a clear goal. Before talking about the mistake, prepare extensively by exploring the cause of the problem and writing down some key takeaways before the meeting.
If this mistake occurred in other aspects of your life, it is important that you boldly and penitently admit your faults. Take time to sit with those you’ve hurt (intentionally or not) and have the courage to look them in the eye and apologize. Take responsibility and accept the consequences of your errors. Understand the feelings of the people affected by your misdeeds while also accepting the process of improvement.
2. Forgive Yourself
After owning up to your faults and asking forgiveness from the people you wronged or were affected by your mistake, you also need to forgive yourself. Although it may sound cliche, thinking through your mistake, admitting it, and moving on will have an effect on how you press forward.
We are all humans, and we are all capable of making mistakes under different circumstances. It may sometimes appear that your lapse of judgment has harmed your confidence. This can hurt your career or relationships with others around you, but you should strive to focus on the positive aspects of yourself rather than the negative ones. Allow yourself to consciously forgive yourself for the error.
3. Fix It (If Possible)
Mistakes, even blatant sins, frequently have unintended consequences, and pretending they did not occur is not only risky for human relationships but destructive in your relationship with God. Don’t just walk away from your errors like they never mattered. As a matter of fact, you can’t recover until you make amends—at least as much as possible.
Making amends entails going to the person harmed by your error and accepting responsibility. It also implies publicly owning the mistake where appropriate, doing your best to right the wrong, and fixing the problem your mistake has caused.
4. Resolve the Root Cause
Consider what caused the mistake and what you did to contribute to the problem. Understand that external circumstances cannot teach you anything; therefore, disregard them.
The most crucial aspect of admitting responsibility and avoiding the long-term consequences of your blunder is devising a strategy to prevent a future recurrence. Search for sources of weakness in your process, approach, or actions while you are investigating and thoroughly understanding the situation.
You could put checks and balances in place to warn you before a similar error is made. Come up with a backup plan to remedy any harm before the person leaves.
Also, devise a way to resolve such matters should they recur in the future.
Improving your manners, attitude, and work methods will demonstrate to colleagues and people around you, both at work and in your personal life, that you are still a good and reliable person. And more importantly, this will assist you in regaining your confidence.
If you take time to critically study your mistakes, you will notice trends in your behavior or approach that contributed to these errors. And once you know it, you’re well on your way to breaking the cycle. The worst life mistakes are the ones that you keep making.
As a Christian, you should strive not to make the same blunders twice; not only should you learn from your sins, but you should also develop new processes to ensure they don’t happen again. And most importantly, don’t dwell on them; we’re all humans.
5. Live Beyond Your Mistakes
Your past might make you afraid to live in the future, but continue to boost your confidence by establishing more challenging goals or taking on new projects. Set your primary goals, but add another if you exceed your primary goal. Try to lead the work project once more. Extend a coffee invitation to the person you hurt. These tough, humbling actions will demonstrate initiative.
(However, be prayerful and patient for when the timing is right to make these bolder choices.)
But achieving these objectives or completing a new project will make you feel competent again and restore your confidence and trust in your ability to be forgiven and move forward in Christ.
Emmanuel Abimbola is a creative freelance writer, blogger, and web designer. He is a devout Christian with an uncompromising faith who hails from Ondo State in Nigeria, West Africa. As a lover of kids, Emmanuel runs a small elementary school in Arigidi, Nigeria.
When I was in middle school, it was considered one of the biggest offenses to be told that you were a “poser.” This would imply that you’re trying to be someone you weren’t in an effort to impress others. For example—if a guy claimed he was a jock and even dressed one, but he had zero athletic skills, then he was a poser. Perhaps he wanted the attention from girls that being a jock could attract. Sadly, “posers” aren’t just found in middle school; there are some who have crept into today’s church, pretending to be a Christian. So what exactly are fake Christians, and how do we know when we see one?
What Are Fake Christians?
The term “fake Christian” may bring to your mind an image of someone who is a hypocrite. Although there are plenty of hypocritical Christians, we need to break this term down in order to accurately define what it means.
We know that the word fake suggests inauthenticity. Counterfeits.
A Christian is someone who has accepted Jesus Christ as his or her Lord and Savior. This person is considered saved, or “born again,” because they have applied the principle found in Romans 10:9: “If you openly declare that Jesus is Lord and believe in your heart that God raised him from the dead, you will be saved.” The underlying factor that differentiates believers from nonbelievers is the Holy Spirit that abides within us, according to Ephesians 1:13: “And when you believed in Christ, he identified you as his own by giving you the Holy Spirit, whom he promised long ago.”
With these two definitions in mind, we can define a fake Christian as being one who has not genuinely been born again, and yet they put on the persona as though they have.
Perhaps this person chose to wear the Christian title so they could profit off that reputation (similar to those jock posers back in middle school). All of us have likely, at one time or another, attempted to fit in with a certain crowd. If an unbeliever discovered they could gain a certain kind of acceptance through “fitting in” with a church crowd or Christian industry, they may have preferred to wear a church mask rather than actually accepting Christ into their heart.
But if someone wanted the acceptance, or the benefits, that come from being a Christian, why wouldn’t they—you know, actually become a Christian? One reason is that they may not believe in the message of the cross. 1 Corinthians 1:18 reminds us that “The message of the cross is foolish to those who are headed for destruction! But we who are being saved know it is the very power of God.”
Another reason is that, while they may relish in their false Christian appearance, they are ultimately not willing to dedicate their hearts and lives to God. Being a true Christian would involve sacrificing their ungodly lifestyle—or else they’d continue that lifestyle and live with the guilt. The enemy is a deceiver, and he attempts to make Christianity look like bondage to unbelievers so they will choose to remain “free” to live for him instead.
To summarize, fake Christians are those who have chosen a saved appearance rather than a saved heart. They care more about their status through the eyes of the church, their family, or a Christian industry rather than their status through the eyes of God.
What Is an Authentic Christian?
An authentic Christian, on the other hand, is one who has accepted Christ as his or her Savior. The light of the Holy Spirit abides within this person. Matthew 7:20 provides an indication of how we can identify an authentic Christian: “Yes, just as you can identify a tree by its fruit, so you can identify people by their actions.”
The speech and actions of these authentic Christians overflow with fruit of the Spirit, because Galatians 5:22-23 tells us, “But the Holy Spirit produces this kind of fruit in our lives: love, joy, peace, patience, kindness, goodness, faithfulness, gentleness, and self-control. There is no law against these things!”
In addition, those whose hearts are abandoned to God have a concern for matters that concern Him and a hatred toward evil. James 1:27 tells us that “Pure and genuine religion in the sight of God the Father means caring for orphans and widows in their distress and refusing to let the world corrupt you.”
Because believers know that we will someday give an account for the way we lived our lives (2 Corinthians 5:10), authentic Christians strive to serve God and obey His Word. They understand that God’s opinion carries more weight than man’s because Galatians 1:10 reminds us, “If pleasing people were my goal, I would not be Christ’s servant.”
What Is the Difference between Fake Christians and Wayward Christians?
With this in mind, let’s be careful not to assume someone is a “fake Christian” because of their struggle with sin. As humans, we tend to “look on the outward appearance, but the Lord looks on the heart” (see 1 Samuel 16:7). God is the One who will ultimately determine a person’s eternal fate. James 4:12 reminds us, “There is only one Lawgiver and Judge, the One who is able to save and to destroy; but who are you who judge your neighbor?”
There are those within the church who have genuinely accepted Christ as their Savior and once committed their lives to Him but have since strayed from following His Word. Perhaps this Christian goes to church weekly, prays occasionally, and even loves God—but their love for Him is not reflected in the way they live, speak, or make daily decisions.
When we spot these Christians, let’s refrain from passing judgment and instead extend godly love toward them, praying that the Holy Spirit will convict them. We can also pray about how we can play a role in leading that person back to the truth. James 5:19 says, “My dear brothers and sisters, if someone among you wanders away from the truth and is brought back, you can be sure that whoever brings the sinner back from wandering will save that person from death and bring about the forgiveness of many sins.”
Does Scripture Address the Idea of Fake Christians?
Scripture makes it clear that there are those who will call themselves Christians on earth, but when they reach eternity, their hearts and true intentions will be revealed.
Matthew 7:21-23 says, “Not everyone who calls out to me, ‘Lord! Lord!’ will enter the Kingdom of Heaven. Only those who actually do the will of my Father in heaven will enter. On judgment day many will say to me, ‘Lord! Lord! We prophesied in your name and cast out demons in your name and performed many miracles in your name.’ But I will reply, ‘I never knew you. Get away from me, you who break God’s laws.’”
We also know that God despises a kind of Christianity in which a person is not committed to a godly lifestyle. “Straddling the fence” should never be an option for the true believer. Revelation 3:15-16 says, “I know all the things you do, that you are neither hot nor cold. I wish that you were one or the other!But since you are like lukewarm water, neither hot nor cold, I will spit you out of my mouth!”
Remember Judas Iscariot? He was once considered an apostle of Jesus, but his true motives were soon revealed. When he betrayed Jesus, it was proven that he was more interested in what he could gain from Jesus rather than how he could serve him. It is believed that Judas had a financial intention behind betraying Jesus (see Matthew 26:14-15).
Sadly, there are still many Judas Iscariots within the church today—people who perform like a Christ-follower and may even be well-versed in “Christianese,” and yet their motives are purely for fleshly gain rather than spiritual gain.
1 John 2:25 says, “Do not love this world nor the things it offers you, for when you love the world, you do not have the love of the Father in you.”
Does this person love other believers?
1 John 3:14 says, “If we love our brothers and sisters who are believers, it proves that we have passed from death to life. But a person who has no love is still dead.”
Does this person bear fruits of the spirit, as addressed in Galatians 5:22-23?
Healthy fruits are an indication that a person is attached to the vine (John 15:5).
Do they express works of the flesh as addressed in Galatians 5:19-21 (such as drunkenness, sexual immorality, divisions, etc.)? We are told, in this passage, that “those who do such things will not inherit the kingdom of God.” In addition, Jesus says in Mark 7:20-23, “’What comes out of a person is what defiles him. For from within, out of the heart of man, come evil thoughts, sexual immorality, theft, murder, adultery, coveting, wickedness, deceit, sensuality, envy, slander, pride, foolishness. All these evil things come from within, and they defile a person.’”
By false gospel I mean one that is “a different doctrine and does not agree with the sound words of our Lord Jesus Christ” (1 Timothy 6:3-5)?
Does this person’s faith rest “in the wisdom of men” or in “the power of God”? (1 Corinthians 2:5)
Lastly, does this person overflow with the love of God as addressed in 1 Corinthians 13:2? And is this a worldly kind of love that tolerates sin, or is it the godly type of love that extends compassion on everyone but holds righteous anger toward sin?
Again, let’s be slow to judge and refrain from tossing accusations toward someone who claims to be a believer. After all, godly love is the kind that “bears all things, believes all things, hopes all things, endures all things” (1 Corinthians 13:6-7).
We can, however, use wisdom and discernment to take heed of red flags when we see them. But this does not give us the right to gossip about someone within a congregation. Instead, we can find reassurance in the truth laid out in, Ecclesiastes 12:14, which says, “For God will bring every deed into judgment, with every secret thing, whether good or evil.”
“The Pharisee stood by himself and prayed this prayer: ‘I thank you, God, that I am not like other people—cheaters, sinners, adulterers. I’m certainly not like that tax collector!”
After all, the one whom you may deem as fake could be someone whose struggle with sin is merely more obvious than yours. So rather than pointing fingers, let’s invest most of our energy into our own faith journey, determined that we will be known as a passionate follower of Christ.
The godly love we extend toward believers and non-believers alike speaks volumes louder than our Christian title. In fact, the loyalty and devotion we express toward God and others could be the very thing that leads those “fake Christians” to Christ.
Tessa Emily Hall is an award-winning author who wrote her debut novel when she was sixteen. She is now a multi-published author of both fiction and non-fiction inspirational yet authentic books for teens, including her latest release, LOVE YOUR SELFIE (October 2020, Ellie Claire). Tessa’s passion for shedding light on clean entertainment and media for teens led her to a career as a Literary Agent at Cyle Young Literary Elite, YA Acquisitions Editor for Illuminate YA (LPC Imprint), and Founder/Editor of PursueMagazine.net. She is guilty of making way too many lattes and never finishing her to-read list. When her fingers aren’t flying 128 WPM across the keyboard, she can be found speaking to teens, teaching at writing conferences, and acting in Christian films. Her favorite way to procrastinate is to connect with readers is on her mailing list, social media (@tessaemilyhall), and website: www.tessaemilyhall.com.
This article is part of our larger resource library of Christian practices and disciplines important to the Christian faith. From speaking in tongues to tithing & baptism, we want to provide easy to read and understand articles that answer your questions about Christian living.
Growing up can be hard. While we are children, we don’t fully understand how our parents’ actions, words, and behavior can affect us. As adults, the way our parents treat us can also deeply affect us. In retrospect, as adults, we can often think of many things we wish our parents would understand. While some of our parents may never try to understand, here are five things adult children wish their parents understood:
1. Your Standards Are Too High
One thing that adult children wish their parents understood is that their standards are too high. Growing up, my mother’s standards placed upon my sisters and me were unattainable. Maybe you experienced something similar as you were growing up. My mother’s standard was perfection and anything short of perfection was treated as a failure. As a child and a teen, I didn’t think her standards were unreasonable because it’s all I ever knew. Now, as an adult, I recognize that the standards my mother placed on my sisters and me were too high. Instead of being told that what we did wasn’t “good enough,” we needed to be supported and encouraged.
What our parents say to us does affect us deeply in many ways. If our parents constantly tell us we are not “good enough” or that we are a “failure,” how are we expected to grow? Sadly, some adult children can continue this behavior when their children become adults. Adult children need to be reminded that they are enough and that they are loved. If you are a parent and have recognized that you have set the standards for your children too high, take a step back and analyze how your words and actions have affected your child. Once you have noticed how your standards have impacted your child, refrain from setting impossible standards.
Nobody is perfect, and it is unreasonable to think anyone can be perfect. Adult children can notice their parents’ standards are too high when their parents make comments such as “You should be finished with college by now,” “You should be married by now,” and “You should have children by now.” All of these standards and remarks only do damage. They do nothing to help. If you want to be supportive of your adult child, tell them how proud you are of their accomplishments, even if they don’t necessarily meet the standards you had placed on them.
2. I Wish You Were Proud of Me
A second thing adult children wish their parents would understand is that they wish their parents were proud of them. Similar to the previous point, many adult children see or feel their parents have never been proud of them. From personal experience, I have never felt my parents were proud of me. I have always wanted them to be, yet they have never been. Since I wasn’t good at the things they wanted me to be, such as playing the piano, artwork, or conforming to others’ social standards, they weren’t proud of me. As children and even as adult children, it is important to tell your children you are proud of them.
My mom passed away a long time ago, and I will never know if she was ever proud of me. She never told me she was proud of me, nor did I ever feel she was proud of me. Instead, I felt she was disappointed and ashamed of me. If you have felt the same way, you know how painful it can be and how much it can affect you as a person. Even as an adult now, I have never heard my surviving parent tell me he is proud of me. Does it affect me? Of course. I would be lying to say it doesn’t affect me. If you are a parent reading this, make sure you tell your adult children how proud you are of them.
3. You Have Hurt Me
A third thing adult children wish their parents understood is that their parents have hurt them. As children and even as adults, it can be extremely difficult to tell a parent that they have hurt you. Some parents will dismiss your pain and hurt, which will only add more pain and hurt to your heart. Many things that my mom and dad said to me have hurt me. Being called an “extra” child or “Judas Iscariot” by my mother when I was going through an intense time of anorexia has paralyzed me in many ways. I have had many people try to dismiss the pain I’ve experienced from what my mom has said, but I encourage everyone to never invalidate someone else’s feelings. It doesn’t help them but rather forces them to just “get over it.”
Adult children can still be hurt by many things of the past and parents can still hurt their adult children in the present. We need to only say things that will build each other up. We never need to tear down others with our words. Parents need to know better and use their words wisely. Everybody’s tongue has the power of life and death, yet it is up to us to choose what we will use our words for. If you are a parent, acknowledge that you have hurt your child and be supportive. While you may have never physically hurt your child, emotional and mental hurt can be just as traumatizing and damaging.
4. You Pushed Me Away When I Needed Help
A fourth thing adult children wish their parents understood is that parents can push children away when they need help. There again, drawing from my own experience, my mother mostly tended to push me away when I needed help. I have had depression since I was thirteen years old, and when I tried to go to my mother for help, she dismissed me. She told me I needed to get over my “pity party” and start being happy. I was labeled ungrateful and unthankful. If you suffer from depression, you have probably had the same remarks made to you. As you know, they are not helpful. Children and adult children need their parents not to push them away but rather to be there by their side in their struggle—even if the parent doesn’t fully understand what their child is enduring.
Many parents continue to push their children away even in adulthood. It is vital that you don’t do this because you can permanently hurt your child and damage the relationship you have with them. Instead of pushing them away, draw them near and offer them help. Even as adults, we still need our parents’ support, particularly through difficult times, such as mental illnesses, terminal illnesses, or the ending of relationships. We all need help at times and our parents must encourage and support us rather than push us away.
5. I Can Make My Own Decisions Now
A fifth thing adult children wish their parents understood is that we can make our own decisions now. Many parents try to control their adult children’s decisions, which can negatively affect their children. Instead of trying to make decisions for your adult child, let them make their own. Give them the freedom to make their own decisions and make their own path. While children appreciate their parents’ advice, they also need the freedom to make their own decisions. When we become adults, we have more serious decisions to make, such as buying a home, choosing a career, and how we will serve the Lord.
Even though parents might think they know best, parents need to allow their children the freedom to make their own decisions. Some decisions might not be the best, yet some decisions can be learning experiences. As much as parents would like to always make sure their adult children make the right decision, it cannot be promised. Every person has free will and with that free will, they can make their own decision. If you are a parent, allow your adult children to make their own decisions and refrain from saying anything negative unless their decision is something that goes against the Word of God.
Vivian Bricker loves Jesus, studying the Word of God, and helping others in their walk with Christ. She has earned a Bachelor of Arts and Master’s degree in Christian Ministry with a deep academic emphasis in theology. Her favorite things to do are spending time with her family and friends, reading, and spending time outside. When she is not writing, she is embarking on other adventures.
Light, crisp, cloud-like meringue cookies have long been associated with French royalty, a decadent treat that required skill and dedication to pull off. Perhaps once, but then the whisk attachment was invented.
For those with a stand mixer, they’re surprisingly easy — and adaptable to whatever extra bits of chocolate, nuts or other flavorings may be left over after a holiday baking marathon.
In this recipe from our book “Cook What You Have,” which draws on pantry staples to assemble easy, weeknight meals, we offer three variations on the cookie (which incidentally was not French, but is credited to a Swiss chef named Gasparini in 1720, from a town called Meiringen.)
For a chocolate and salted peanut variation, you’ll need about 2 ounces of chopped chocolate, some orange zest and a handful of roasted nuts. Or try them with roasted cashews, unsweetened coconut flakes and lime zest. Or with pistachios, candied ginger and turmeric. Or experiment with different flavors using these ratios.
The meringues can be made into a dozen 3-inch cookies or six oversize 6-inch puffs. Serve them alone or split them open and fill them with whipped cream and scattered fresh berries. The cookies will keep in an airtight container for up to five days.
Start to finish: 2½ hours (35 minutes active), plus cooling
Makes 12 small or 6 large meringues
¼ cup salted roasted peanuts OR almonds OR cashews OR pistachios, chopped
⅓ cup dark chocolate OR semi-sweet OR milk chocolate chips, chopped
6 large egg whites
½ teaspoon cream of tartar
¼ teaspoon table salt
1 cup white sugar
1 teaspoon vanilla extract
1 teaspoon grated orange zest
Heat the oven to 250°F with a rack in the middle position. Line a rimmed baking sheet with kitchen parchment. In a small bowl, toss together the nuts and chocolate.
In a stand mixer fitted with the whisk attachment or in a large bowl with a hand mixer, whip the egg whites, cream of tartar and salt on medium until frothy and opaque, 1 to 2 minutes. With the mixer running, gradually add the sugar. Add the vanilla, then increase to high and beat for 5 minutes (no less, or the meringues may fall slightly during baking); the whites will be thick, shiny and hold stiff peaks. Remove the bowl from the mixer. Using a silicone spatula, fold in the orange zest and half of the nut-chocolate mixture.
Scoop the meringue into mounds onto the prepared baking sheet, dividing it into 12 portions of about ½ cup each or 6 portions of about 1 cup each; space the mounds evenly apart. Slightly smooth the tops and sprinkle with the remaining nut-chocolate mixture.
Bake for 1¼ hours for small meringues or 1½ hours for large meringues; they will be very pale golden brown and have expanded slightly. Turn off the oven, prop open the door with the handle of a wooden spoon and allow the meringues to fully dry and crisp, about 45 minutes.
Remove from the oven and transfer the meringues from the baking sheet to a wire rack. Cool to room temperature.
Meringue Cookies with Cashews, Coconut and Lime
Follow the recipe, using salted roasted cashews, replacing the chocolate chips with ¼ cup dried, unsweetened, wide-flake coconut and substituting an equal amount of lime zest for the orange zest.
Golden Meringue Cookies with Pistachios and Candied Ginger
Follow the recipe, using salted roasted pistachios, replacing the chocolate chips with ¼ cup chopped candied ginger and adding 1 teaspoon ground turmeric and ½ teaspoon ground cinnamon to the egg whites along with the cream of tartar and salt.
EDITOR’S NOTE: For more recipes, go to Christopher Kimball’s Milk Street at 177milkstreet.com/ap
In Song of Songs 4:16, the new bride says: “Let my beloved come into his garden and taste its choice fruits.” This young, obviously confident bride invited her husband to find pleasure in her. There is nothing more appealing to a husband than for his own wife to initiate lovemaking and that happens when you and I are confident in who we are, confident we are loved, and confident we won’t be rejected.
In Song of Songs 7:1-9, Solomon gives a detailed description of his bride from the sandals on her feet to the hair on top of her head. Some commentators believe she might have been dancing before him as he compiled this description.
Now you might be thinking If I were a young bride with a lean flat stomach and looked like her, yeah, I’d dance before my husband. But perhaps you aren’t comfortable with your husband inspecting you from head to toe. Or maybe he’s made a remark in the past that has you feeling self-conscious. I realize it is ingrained in us by our culture (and perhaps by some past wounds, too) to not be an “object” before any man and to be offended at any reference to your body being a point of visual pleasure for your husband. Yet, please remember something: You are his for life – the only woman your husband can gaze upon and enjoy with a right heart before God.
Think about it. If your husband looks at anyone else the way he is allowed by God to look at you, he will be committing adultery in his heart. So, let him feast his eyes on you. Allow him to enjoy what he sees by taking the best care of yourself that you can, by dressing nicely, smelling pleasantly, and looking at him with eyes that you once had for him. Perhaps as you begin to look at him the way you once did, he will return that look the way he once did.
Cindi McMenamin is a national speaker and author of 17 books who has been married 30 years to a pastor and introvert. Her newest book, 12 Ways to Experience More with Your Husband, released Feb. 1 from Harvest House Publishers, and will help you diffuse the tension and heat up the passion in your marriage. Grab it at a special introductory sale price today or find more resources to strengthen your walk with God, your marriage, or your parenting, at her website: www.StrengthForTheSoul.com.
A healthy marriage is based on genuine love, honesty, trust, and respect. If you want to establish a fun-filled, stress-free relationship, it is critical to have a balance in marriage. Early in a marriage, the couple is typically madly in love and investing everything into the union. But as you interact with the same individual every day, in both good and bad times, things may get much more challenging. As a matter of fact, it doesn’t take long for one spouse to grow overburdened and bored.
To be honest, a romantic marriage goes beyond the customary mushiness, dinner dates, and movie dates. If you’ve been married long enough, you probably already know that a genuine relationship starts when the honeymoon is over.
What Causes an Imbalance in Your Marriage?
When you’ve been married for a while, your connection with your spouse may begin to feel stale and boring. You may even experience circumstances that give you the impression that your relationship is deteriorating and that you are gradually drifting apart.
This is a warning sign that you must take prompt action and restore harmony to your union. Constant conflicts are the most common cause of marital imbalance, so it’s crucial to recognize where marriage conflicts stem from:
1. Minor or major conflicts
Different factors could stir conflicts in your marriage. But whatever happens, you both must understand you sometimes might not be able to change your partner.
And to let peace reign in the relationship, you must put more effort into improving yourself than your partner. Ephesians 5:33 says, “Nevertheless let every one of you in particular so love his wife even as himself, and the wife see that she reverence her husband.”
You should respect the fact that you and your spouse are different from each other. Also, learn to accept that your partner might have certain qualities and personality features that cannot be changed. Disagreements are normal in marriage, and you must learn how to deal with them in constructive ways.
(Keep in mind that building a bridge by saying cruel things to your spouse that you can’t take back is not a good idea.)
2. Ineffective communication
Improved problem-solving abilities result from healthy communication, and this positively impacts marriages.
Work-related pressures can also have a significant impact on marital communication, as stressed-out partners tend to be more reclusive, angry, or hostile toward one another during the workday and less hostile at home on the weekends.
As Christians, we must develop healthy communication skills with our spouses because if we do not develop effective communication skills or adopt healthy coping mechanisms, marital stress can negatively impact our children’s lives.
3. Other factors
Marriages are also significantly harmed by other stressors, including denial, avoidance, sadness, self-blame, negative self-verbalization, withdrawal, and more severe stressors, including drug misuse and violence. Other stressors common to daily life, such as illness, job loss, children, and other factors, also negatively impact marriages and can significantly change the quality of your marriage.
How to Restore or Bring Balance to Your Marriage
The secret to having a successful relationship where both partners feel at ease, supported, and respected is understanding how to maintain balance in the marriage. So, how do you restore balance to a failing relationship or bring balance to your marriage? You should take into account the following crucial concepts to keep your marriage in balance:
1. Make your relationship more trustworthy
You must be trustworthy and have faith in your spouse if you want to keep a relationship in balance.
If you have experienced betrayal in the past, it can be challenging to trust. But if you want balance in your marriage, you can’t take it out on your spouse who had no part in the betrayal. Try to be dependable by sticking to your word to establish trust in your marriage. One of the essential elements in developing trust in a relationship is honesty. When the situation calls for it, make an effort to be honest with your partner.
Nothing kills trust like a little white lie. Avoid it! It is difficult for your spouse to trust you again after you are exposed as a liar.
2. Consider the privacy of your relationship
Remember that your spouse had a life before you met them, and it will continue after you go. Recognize and respect your partner’s boundaries. Be careful not to invade their personal space. Also, acknowledge that your partner has personal needs and is a human being just like you.
You don’t have to want to spend every minute of every day with your spouse. Sometimes they need to set their focus on other significant areas of their lives. Giving your partner a personal space is not disrespectful; they will value you more if you respect their privacy.
3. Acknowledge conflicts
A healthy marriage has both enjoyable and contentious times. It’s not a picture-perfect world where everything is ideal. Instead, it involves two different people, each with their own personality and actions. Recognize that your partner is different from you. As a result, you will occasionally have misunderstandings. But that doesn’t mean you two can’t get along. You need to communicate your pain points or displeasure with one another in a healthy way. Accept your differences. Understand one another’s viewpoints and respectfully disagree while never criticizing your partner’s flaws.
Let love lead in your marriage. 1 Corinthians 13:4-5 “Love suffers long and is kind; love does not envy; love does not parade itself, is not puffed up; does not behave rudely, does not seek its own, is not provoked, thinks no evil.”
Conflicts are a natural part of a healthy relationship, and they can even help it grow. But you must approach them wisely and exercise tolerance and patience.
4. Healthy Communication
Healthy and constant communication is crucial in building a healthy relationship. It enables deeper connections between individuals. No matter what, the couple must be able to communicate their sentiments to one another and attend to both their individual demands and their relationship needs. A marriage that is out of balance has inadequate communication, and the integrity of the relationship will be jeopardized if one party feels ignored.
It’s best to establish a strong connection with your partner and openly express yourself to them (1 Peter 3:1-9).
Be honest and upfront about your emotions, and they must also pay complete attention to you. Having someone to share your life with is the main goal of a healthy marriage, so don’t be hesitant to show your partner your vulnerability.
5. Commit, compromise but don’t make many concessions
Giving your all for the benefit of your relationship and your partner is admirable. It strengthens your bond and facilitates emotional reconnection with your spouse. But making too many concessions can destroy you, as your attention is eventually diverted from your personal needs and wants. Spending too much time with your spouse can make it difficult for you to take care of other essential things in your marriage or at home. When this happens, it is no longer a commitment but an unhealthy compromise.
Note that a healthy compromise does not negatively impact other significant aspects of your life or relationship.
Saving money to see your significant other when you could spend it drinking at the bar is a healthy compromise. Being attentive to your partner is also essential, but it doesn’t have to be a hassle.
You develop an unbalanced connection the instant your mental well-being is stressed by your sacrifices.
6. Honor your spouse’s preferences
A powerful method to establish a balanced marriage is to respect your spouse’s decisions and preferences.
There will be times when your partner will make choices that you do not agree with. The wisest course of action is to accept it without fuss.
Sometimes you can’t stop them from making bad choices. Although it can be hard to stand back and watch when you have the power to prevent your partner from making bad choices. The truth is, if they don’t want your assistance, you won’t be able to accomplish much. So, all you can do is give them some advice and let them decide for themselves. Be your partner’s refuge when everything around them turns against them. It is best to work together to come up with solutions rather than judge them.
7. Avoid relying too much on your spouse
Limiting your reliance on your spouse is another way to maintain balance in your marriage. It’s okay to solicit assistance from one another, and it is absolutely fine to discuss your problems with your partner and seek their advice on any matter. However, it is best not to rely solely on your spouse because they can become overburdened and believe you are incapable of supporting yourself. And this can be detrimental to your relationship because it gives them a chance to take advantage of you.
8. Stay true to who you are
It is common for individuals in unbalanced marriages to keep their true selves hidden from one another. You should express your true self honestly and be genuine about it. Don’t fake it because you obviously won’t be able to keep it up for so long. And in the end, you will hurt your partner and the marriage when they eventually realize your true nature.
Keeping balance in your marriage requires that you respect, love, and be fully committed to your spouse. Ephesians 5:22-25 “Wives, submit to your own husbands, as to the Lord. 23 For the husband is head of the wife, as also Christ is head of the church; and He is the Savior of the body. Therefore, just as the church is subject to Christ, so let the wives be to their own husbands in everything. Husbands, love your wives, just as Christ also loved the church and gave Himself for her.”
Prioritize honesty, trust, and healthy communication with your spouse.
Emmanuel Abimbola is a creative freelance writer, blogger, and web designer. He is a devout Christian with an uncompromising faith who hails from Ondo State in Nigeria, West Africa. As a lover of kids, Emmanuel runs a small elementary school in Arigidi, Nigeria.
We were born to live in a community, riding the ups and downs together. No one likes to be overlooked; even the most introverted person residing off the grid, one sitting in sweats and reading a book, needs human connection. When others fail to notice us, it can emotionally deplete us. It can cause us to withdraw and retreat, especially when we feel the offense is intentional.
When I mentioned that I was writing this article to my husband, he looked at me wide-eyed and asked if I felt overlooked. “Do you feel overlooked by me?” he asked. My response, combined with a typical southern woman’s mean mug, was, “No. It is not always about you.” We’ve been married seventeen years, y’all. What can I say? I went on to explain that several times in my life, I’ve felt unseen, overlooked, or passed over in different relational areas. Some instances have seemed intentional, while others are just part of life.
The beautiful thing about life’s trials is that they drive compassion deep into your blood. And although you can never step in the shoes of someone else’s challenging experiences, your heart can bleed with them. You can embrace them warmly, sit with them, and listen. It gives you a different perspective, a more down-on-your-knees, humble level.
Whether you have been overlooked in friendships, relationships, sports, careers, or especially by the church, rest in the fact that you are never ignored by Jesus. Friend, I know we aren’t sitting on the same couch, but consider this my giant teddy bear hug for you. I may not be able to see you, but I know the One who does, and I pray these bits of encouragement give you restored hope.
1. God Sees You When No One Else Does
Among the many names of God that describe His perfect character, I find El Roi to be one of the most comforting. It means “The God who sees me” (Genesis 16:13). While you may feel invisible, know that God sees you. Hagar was the woman in the Bible who attributed this name to God, and she is the only character in the Bible to name God. She was pregnant and alone in the wilderness, running from Sarah’s cruelty and jealousy when the angel of the Lord visited her (Genesis 16). Friend, there is no place on earth you can ever run from God’s compassionate presence.
2. God Hears You When No One Else Does
I love how the Bible uses different names to explain the perfect harmony of God’s character and gives meaning to most biblical characters’ names. An article on Faith Gateway explains the significance of biblical characters’ names. “Many biblical accounts explain the meaning of a person’s name, and those names were significant to who those individuals were or who they were to become. In Jewish tradition, a child’s name was revealed in the same ceremony in which they were circumcised, a sign of the covenant.”
Continuing with the story of Hagar, the angel of the Lord says in Genesis 16:10 that the Lord will increase her descendants so much they will be too numerous to count. “The angel of the Lord also said to her: ‘You are now pregnant, and you will give birth to a son. You shall name him Ishmael, for the Lord has heard of your misery’” (Genesis 16:11).
When we put the story together with the meaning of the characters’ names, it paints the most beautiful picture for those of us who have felt neglected or abused. God takes this enslaved Egyptian, whose name means “forsaken,” and gives her a massive lineage through her son, Ishmael, whose name means “God hears.” Sister, God sees you, hears you, and knows the number of hairs on your head (Luke 12:7).
3. God Loves You Always
My prayer journal contains a box that says, “Lord teach me to….” I often ask the Lord to teach me to love unconditionally. Some days it is hard to love without conditions or judgments, especially when hurt, but I try my best. I inevitably fail at times, but I pray again and start over the next day. We are all a work in progress, but God is always the same (Hebrews 13:8). His love for us and our love for him is termed agape in Greek and is the highest form of love.
Knowing that God never changes and God is love (1 John 4:7-8), we can concur that God will always love His children even though we don’t deserve it. After all, God sent His only Son to pay the price for our sins because He loves us so much that He wants to spend eternity with us.
“For God so loved the world that he gave his one and only Son, that whoever believes in him shall not perish but have eternal life.” (John 3:16, NIV)
4. God Always Has a Perfect Purpose for You
The most notable story in the Bible of someone who is overlooked is King David. As kids, we hear the highlight reels of David’s life—like when David defeated Goliath with only a rock and a sling. But before becoming king, David started as a young shepherd boy. His dad, Jesse, didn’t remember to call him to the line-up when Samuel came to anoint David as king. Talk about overlooked! Yet, God set apart this lowly shepherd boy for a great purpose. While we may not be destined for earthly royalty or fame, God hand-picked us to fulfill a unique role in His kingdom.
5. God Wants to Hear from You
I’ve been passed over for jobs and writing opportunities throughout my life. I’ve been overlooked by peers, boys, and the church. When I was younger, these occurrences would rip my heart out. As I’ve matured, I’ve realized God often opens and closes doors because He has something better in store or is protecting me from harm. Not to say it doesn’t bring about distress and discouragement anymore, but I’ve grown to trust in His plan even when I don’t understand (Proverbs 3:5-6).
On some of those loneliest days and nights, God was the only One I knew could hear and wanted to hear from me. And we would talk. Sometimes, He would answer with an overwhelming feeling of peace to get me through the next day. Some prayers have gone unanswered still, and some were responded to many years later. But there is a prayer He answered with a phone call right after the “Amen” rolled off my tongue:
It was New Year’s Eve, and I was a sixteen-year-old who felt invisible to boys. Alone in my room, crying and depressed, I asked God to send me my soul mate. Two seconds later, the phone rang, and a boy I had been crushing on said, “Hello,” and invited me to a party. At that party, I met a new boy who made me forget about my crush who called me. We’ve been together twenty-three years this New Year’s Eve, and I never felt overlooked by him.
Friend, prayer is not always answered instantaneously or as we wish, but His plans are only in place to prosper you. So keep talking to the One who sees and hears you.
Darcie Fuqua is a Business Analyst, Auburn Grad (War Eagle!), Christian blogger & podcast host, and mental health advocate. She is from the deep south of Alabama, where she currently resides with her husband, two energetic fun-loving boys, and a dog named Charlie. She loves sinking her toes in the sand, cuddling with her boys, and having great conversations over a table of good food. You can read more of her writing on her website www.leightonlane.com and connect with her on Facebook and Instagram. Check out Darcie’s latest project as cohost of Therapy in 10.
Making kebabs from ground beef presents an opportunity and a problem. They can be boldly flavored from within by mixing spices and herbs into the meat. But getting them to stay put on skewers is tricky.
So, what if we got rid of the skewers altogether? In this recipe from our book “Tuesday Nights Mediterranean,” which features weeknight-friendly meals from the region, we instead cook patties of spiced ground beef under the broiler. One side browns deeply as they cook, giving just enough open-fire flavor without worry that the meat will tumble off.
For the flavorings, we took inspiration from kebab hindi, which, despite its name, is a Levantine, not Indian, dish. Red onion, fresh cilantro, pine nuts, cinnamon, allspice and paprika are mixed into the beef.
Traditionally, the meat is baked in a tomato sauce, but we opted to cook them without the sauce to get more flavorful browning. We then use the same baking sheet to broil tomatoes and onion to form a chunky, relish-like sauce.
The sauce is seasoned with tangy ground sumac, which is sold in well-stocked supermarkets, spice shops and Middle Eastern grocery stores. If it’s not available, simply squeeze a little lemon juice into the sauce while stirring in water after broiling.
Remember to keep the foil lining from the baking sheet in place after transferring the patties to a serving platter. That helps make cleanup a breeze after broiling the tomato-onion mixture.
These kebabs are delicious served with rice or flatbread.
1 large red onion, ½ finely chopped, ½ thinly sliced, reserved separately
¼ cup finely chopped fresh cilantro stems, plus ½ cup loosely packed fresh cilantro leaves, roughly chopped, reserved separately
¼ cup pine nuts, chopped
1½ teaspoons ground cinnamon
1½ teaspoons ground allspice
4 teaspoons hot paprika or 3½ teaspoons sweet paprika plus ½ teaspoon cayenne pepper
Kosher salt and ground black pepper
2 pints cherry or grape tomatoes
2 tablespoons extra-virgin olive oil
1 tablespoon ground sumac (see headnote)
Heat the broiler with a rack about 6 inches from the element. Line a rimmed baking sheet with foil. In a large bowl, combine the beef, chopped onion, cilantro stems, pine nuts, cinnamon, allspice, paprika, 1 teaspoon salt and 1½ teaspoons pepper. Using your hands, mix well, then divide into 12 portions and shape each into a patty 2½ to 3 inches in diameter; arrange in a single layer on the prepared baking sheet.
Broil the patties until well browned on top and the centers hit 160°F, 7 to 9 minutes. Using a wide metal spatula, transfer to a serving platter and cover with foil. Discard any residual liquid on the baking sheet; set the baking sheet, with foil lining, aside.
In a medium bowl, toss together the sliced onion, tomatoes, oil, sumac, and ¼ teaspoon each salt and pepper. Distribute in a single layer on the baking sheet and broil until the tomatoes burst and the onions char, 5 to 6 minutes.
Using the back of a fork, crush the tomatoes to form a chunky sauce. Add 2 tablespoons water to the baking sheet and stir gently to combine, then taste and season with salt and pepper. Spoon the sauce over the patties. Sprinkle with cilantro leaves and drizzle with additional oil.
EDITOR’S NOTE: For more recipes, go to Christopher Kimball’s Milk Street at 177milkstreet.com/ap
I’ve known my husband thirty-three years. We dated on and off four of those years, starting my sophomore year of high school and going into college. We were engaged less than a year. We’ve been married for over twenty-eight. Add in three kids, a zoo of pets, a few major moves, and a son who’s battled cancer twice, we’ve been navigating life together for what feels like a very long time. And most of it’s been rough.
During those early sporadic dating years, we always at least remained close friends. When we got back together the final time, my husband told me he’d compared everyone he’d ever dated to me, but none of them came close. It was me he’d been looking for the whole time. Me he loved. Me he wanted forever with.
I can hear your collective “awww’s.” Because it sounds sweet and perfect and romantic, right?
Not if you saw the other side of the picture. That would be my side. During the time we were building a relationship, my parent’s relationship was crumbling, half a brick by half a brick. A slow, ugly death that involved countless lies and another woman.
When I met my husband, I had a father. When I married my husband, I did not. Not only did my dad check out on a quarter of a century with my mom, he completely abandoned me after nineteen years of what I thought had been a wonderful childhood.
To say I was a mess doesn’t begin to describe the aftermath of their divorce. How could someone who says they love you . . . leave you?
On my wedding day, my husband walked down the aisle because he loved me. I walked down the aisle because I was desperate for love.
I’m sure you can see the problem. I couldn’t. And it showed in the same fights we had over and over. Thirteen years and three kids in, I had a choice. Stay with this guy I’d “gotten stuck with” or abandon my family the way my dad did. No, I’d never leave my kids, but without their dad, they wouldn’t be the same. They’d lose the security I’d been so desperate to find.
I stayed because it was the right thing to do. But I wanted more than the mess of a marriage I’d helped make. Something had to change. I needed glue to keep my husband and I together. That glue turned out to be God. He is truly a redeemer.
I began praying for my husband fourteen years ago. I wish I would’ve prayed the other fourteen. The road would’ve looked so different. I would’ve been grateful instead of resentful of the man God gave me.
It took me half my marriage to realize what I’d had all along. I couldn’t get past me. I couldn’t let past frustrations go. I couldn’t “see” my husband for who he really was. My dad kept getting in the way.
Today, my husband is my favorite dinner date. My first-choice movie buddy. My preferred travel companion. My best friend. My refuge. My person. Sitting next to him calms me. Sharing life with him strengthens me.
God did that. From the moment I stopped taking my frustrations out on my husband and started carrying them to God, He began to grow a love between us I never thought I’d have.
Have you found the one whom your soul loves? Do you need to fall in love with your husband all over again? Or for the first time? Have you been married a day? A year? A quarter century? Now is the time to pray. Not sure where to start? Here’s what helps me.
Lord, this first prayer isn’t really for my husband, it’s for me. I just want to thank You for giving him to me and me to him. You knew what You were doing all along. His traits that used to drive me crazy are now the strengths that fill in where I struggle. His traits that used to seem like weakness are now the places You’ve allowed me to shine. We complement each other. When I let You be the glue, we’re stronger together than we ever were apart. Thank you for putting my husband in my life.
2. Protect Our Bond
You gave my husband and I to each other. You blessed our union. I know You want it to work even more than we do. Protect our bond. Keep my husband’s heart and eyes focused on me. Take away temptation. Stop anything thoughts that would lead him away. Put a wall around our relationship that keeps it just the three of us. With You in the middle, we can stand against anything. Thank you for the man You’re molding him to be.
3. Be His Strength
When my husband gets tired and beaten down, will You be his strength? Will you renew his spirit with your own? From the time he wakes up to the time he goes to sleep, give him what he needs to be the husband, father, employee, and friend You want him to be. If he feels like giving up, show him a reason to keep going. Bless Him every day and remind him he’s never alone.
4. Be His First Love
Jesus, I know that for my husband to love me, he first has to love You. Speak to his heart. Whisper to him in the moments that most matter. Show him he can trust You. Love on him so strongly he never has the need to look for another. Be his everything.
5. Let Him See Me through Your Eyes
Living with me isn’t always fun. Even in the best circumstances, nerves can get rubbed raw. I know I’m not the easiest person to be with. Give my husband Your heart when it comes to me. Let him see me the way you do. When he gets frustrated, saturate him in patience. Show him why I do or say the things I do. And then turn around and do the same for me.
6. Keep Him Safe
Lord, I finally love this man you’ve given me the way I’m supposed to—with all my heart and soul. I want to do life with him, grow old with him, rock grandchildren with him. Bring him home to me every time he leaves. Walk ahead of him. Keep him safe—physically, emotionally, and spiritually. Take care of him.
7. Bless His Job
My husband works hard. The obligations must feel overwhelming. Protect his role as our provider. Our family needs his income and his benefits. And he needs to feel validated at work. Bless both those things. Give him a love for his job that only You can. Or find him a new job exactly where You want him to be. Lord, work is such a huge part of his life. Bless him while he’s there. The good he does carries farther than he’ll ever know. Help him see that he’s making a difference in so many lives.
A final note: This article doesn’t address emotional or physical abuse in a marriage. It’s not meant to. Yes, prayer can change so much. But if you’re in a dangerous situation, please get help to put yourself in a safe place and find professional counseling that deals with these issues. God loves you so much even if it doesn’t feel like it right now, and I’m praying for you.
Lori Freeland is an author, editor, writing coach, wife, mom, and creator of imaginary people—not necessarily in that order. An acquisitions editor for Armonia Publishing, former editor for The Christian Pulse, and regular contributor to Crosswalk.com, she writes fiction and non-fiction in several genres and has presented numerous writing workshops nationwide. When she’s not curled up with her husband drinking too much coffee and worrying about her kids, you can find her blogging at lafreeland.com.
My husband was in an automobile accident on August 25th this past year. He was coming to a stop at a red light when an intoxicated 18-year-old plowed into Dan and two other vehicles. My poor husband has had a migraine every day since that night. He recently had a facet procedure that would hopefully stop the migraines or lessen the pain. The doctors thought the procedure would provide significant relief in a day or two. It hasn’t. As a result, Dan is exhausted from a lack of sleep. I am unsure if I have seen him so worn out and tired.
Have you ever felt that way? Powerless? Like you are unplugged from the source of your power? Jesus calls us to be connected with Him and with others. But that will only happen if we are plugged into the right source. We cannot obey the words of Jesus without a connection with Jesus.
Think with me about all the complicated, almost impossible-to-do teachings of Jesus.
-Love your neighbor – easy with some, hard with others.
-Pray for those who hurt you.
-Love your enemy.
-Forgive those who hurt you.
-Be at peace with everyone.
-Turn the other cheek.
And so many more. The words of Jesus sometimes seem undoable. But check this out. Jesus also said:
Humanly speaking, it is impossible. But not with God. Everything is possible with God (Mark 10:27).
The impossible becomes possible when we stay connected with Jesus. Those “impossible to keep” commandments of Jesus become possible when we stay connected to him. This connectedness is crucial to the life of a Christ follower. The Bible uses metaphors to help us see the reality of our relationship with Jesus. The primary metaphor of the Old Testament is the one with which the Jewish people of Jesus’ day would have been most familiar.
I am the true vine, and my Father is the gardener (John 15:1).
When Jesus said I am the true vine, his followers, who were well-versed in the Old Testament, would have perked up because that line, “I am the true vine,” is a quote lifted directly from Psalm 80, a psalm many of Jesus’ followers would have known by heart. This Psalm would have come to their minds because it is built around this vine metaphor.
The Psalmist retells the story from the book of Exodus. He is talking about the nation of Israel and comparing them to a vine clipping taken from Egypt and planted in a new land.
You transplanted a vine from Egypt; you drove out the nations and planted it. You cleared the ground for it, and it took root and filled the land (Psalm 80:8-9).
God snipped Israel, the vine from Egypt, and planted them in a new fertile land so they could grow ripe fruit that all the world may taste. But the Psalmist later says that this vine died. Israel failed to give themselves to the one true God who saved them. They failed to be a people of justice and mercy, caring for strangers, foreigners, and the poor. As a result, they were unable to bear fruit for the world.
Despite God’s generosity, patience, and care for his people, they did not yield the fruit he desired. And so, the Psalm says God decides to send one singular and obedient vine to them who would do what Israel, and what all humanity, could never do and, in doing so, restore and save us all.
Revive us, and we will call on your name (Psalm 80:14-18).
The hope, says the Psalmist, rests upon the son of man – on Jesus. Once he comes, the people will be made strong and faithful, and they will be saved through him and in him. They can call upon God’s name, meaning they can live in connection with him. So, when Jesus says, “I am the true vine,” he announces to his followers and all of us that he is the one God has sent. He is the true vine the Psalm is alluding to, the one who will come to save the whole world from evil, sin, and death. The one who will bring God’s Kingdom nearby. The one who will provide us with the opportunity to live in an ongoing loving connection to him is our creator forever.
Jesus is the one who has come to give us freedom and peace, belonging and forgiveness, and love and kindness. He is the one who has come to rescue us from exhaustion, to lift the heavy burdens laid upon our shoulders and replace them instead with easy and light responsibilities that come from being in connection with God and living within his kingdom. Are you tired of being tired? Then put your trust in the true vine, Jesus, and receive the rest he has to give you and your soul. How does that work? Jesus describes it for us in John 15.
I am the true grapevine, and my Father is the gardener. Abide in me, and I will abide in you. A branch cannot produce fruit if it is severed from the vine, and you cannot be fruitful unless you remain in me. Yes, I am the vine; you are the branches.” Those who abide in me, and I in them, will produce much fruit. For apart from me, you can do nothing. But if you abide in me and my words abide in you, you may ask for anything you want, and it will be granted! When you produce much fruit, you are my true disciples. This brings great glory to my Father. I have loved you even as the Father has loved me. Remain in my love.” When you obey my commandments, you remain in my love, just as I obey my Father’s commandments and remain in his love. I have told you these things so that you will be filled with my joy. Yes, your joy will overflow!” (From John 15:1-11).
Dan and I visited Napa Valley a few years ago. While there, I learned a lot about vineyards. The grapevine is actually the trunk of the vine that connects it to the ground. When the branches stay connected to the grapevine – the trunk – they produce fruit.
Now back to the words of Jesus.
Jesus says, “I am the vine – the trunk. You are the branches. If you stay connected to me, my life flows through you and produces fruit. If you do not stay connected to me, you wither and die and produce no fruit.”
So how do we abide in Christ? How do we stay connected with Jesus? How do we remain in Him?
Check your connection.
There is a big difference between trying to produce fruit – trying to do good – trying to follow the words of Jesus – and being connected with him. When we are connected to Him, his life flows through us, and his life in us produces fruit. Jesus calls this connection “abiding.”
“Those who abide in me, and I in them, will produce much fruit. For apart from me, you can do nothing. But if you abide in me and my words abide in you, you may ask for anything you want, and it will be granted!” (From John 15:4-5).
To abide is to reside, to stay and remain, which shows us that another aspect of abiding in Jesus is remaining in Jesus. This commitment to staying connected to Jesus means we trust, depend on, and never stop believing in him. To abide in Jesus is to persevere in Jesus and his teaching.
The Shawnee campus of our church plant, Restore, is in the western portion of Shawnee, Kansas, located in the Mill Valley. Mill creek flows through this valley and eventually into the Kansas river. A mill operated for years on this creek in the days before electricity. When the water flow was high, the mill could operate. When it was low, the mill was useless. When I am abiding in Christ – getting my life through Him – constantly connected to Him – I can operate as a Christ follower and obey Jesus. But, when the connection is non-existent or sporadic, my obedience is also non-existent or sporadic.
We must be plugged into Christ for His power to flow through us. Check your connection.
Check your company.
Abiding in Christ is absolutely a personal reality. Abiding in Christ is also a team sport. We must do life with other Christ followers who also abide in Christ. We must live with other Christ followers who are also connected to Jesus.
Check out this picture of a healthy set of branches that are producing fruit. The healthiest branches grow in clusters. Unfortunately, these clusters are so dense that you cannot hack through them in the wild.
We need other people who follow Christ, connected to Him. We are better together. Here is what Jesus says immediately following his words about abiding in Jesus Christ.
This is my commandment: Love each other in the same way I have loved you. There is no greater love than to lay down one’s life for one’s friends” (John 15:12-13).
You cannot “love each other” if you are a solo branch. There are no other branches to love or serve.
Following Christ is a team sport. It is an individual choice to join and stay on the team, but it is a group effort to play the game, and it definitely takes a team effort to win the game.
Think of the time in your life when you felt the most connected to Christ. When did you feel the closest to Him? I am confident that more than the vast majority of us, it was a time when we were part of a group of people pursuing Christ together.
Check your connection.
Check your company.
Check your condition.
It is easy to tell if you are connected to Christ. Jesus tells us how to check our level of connection.
“Those who abide in me, and I in them, will produce much fruit … When you obey my commandments, you remain in my love, just as I obey my Father’s commandments and remain in his love. I have told you these things so that you will be filled with my joy. Yes, your joy will overflow!” John 15:5, 10-11.
Two specific fruits result from staying connected to Jesus,
1. Connection produces obedience.
When we are connected to Jesus, we will obey Him. We will do what He tells us to do. Sometimes obedience is simply choosing to do the right thing, even when it is hard. But obedience shifts as we walk with Christ and stay connected to Him. Obedience moves from something we should do to something we want to do.
2. Connection produces joy.
When branches produce fruit, they do what God designed them to do. When we stay connected to Jesus, we do what God created us to do, which brings us joy – the joy of the spirit of Jesus within us. Joy is the result of being fully connected with Jesus and others and having a deeply rooted confidence that God is in control.
Check your fruit.
Check your obedience.
Check your joy.
Final thoughts:
Jesus is the true vine. Life flows from our connection with Him. Life flows from being connected to others connected to Him. Life flows into the fruit of obedience and joy when we are connected to Him.
Mary Southerlandis also the Co-founder of Girlfriends in God, a conference and devotion ministry for women. Mary’s books include, Hope in the Midst of Depression, Sandpaper People, Escaping the Stress Trap, Experiencing God’s Power in Your Ministry, 10-Day Trust Adventure, You Make Me So Angry, How to Study the Bible, Fit for Life, Joy for the Journey, and Life Is So Daily. Mary relishes her ministry as a wife, a mother to their two children, Jered and Danna, and Mimi to her six grandchildren – Jaydan, Lelia, Justus, Hudson, Mo, and Nori.
We all need friends since God has created us to be connected to others in caring relationships. But we also need to be careful about our friendships. The Bible warns that some people claim to be true friends but are really false friends who can do us more harm than good. What does the Bible say about fake friends? Discovering that is vital to enjoying healthy friendships.
What Are Fake Friends/How to Identify Them
Fake friends are people who seem at first to be friends, but then reveal that they’re too selfish and untrustworthy to be true friends. They may speak and act in caring ways at times, when doing so benefits them. However, when we ask them for something we need, we often find them running away from the friendship because they’re only concerned with their own needs. Fake friends are takers, not givers. They’re self-absorbed and lack the compassion to truly care about others. Fake friends also may deceive us intentionally in order to get something they want. They can manipulate us. They may flatter us not because they truly appreciate us, but because they want to convince us to do something for them, such as lending them money they don’t intend to pay back. They may betray us. When we tell them personal information, they may listen as if they care, then turn around and gossip about us to others because that brings them attention they crave. Finally, fake friends have a negative rather than a positive impact on our relationships with God. While true friends encourage us in our faith, fake friends are critical and discouraging. True friends lead us closer to God, while fake friends pull us farther away from God.
What Does the Bible Say about Fake Friends?
The Bible features many verses about fake friends, including these key verses:
Proverbs 12:26: “The righteous choose their friends carefully, but the way of the wicked leads them astray.”
Psalm 41:9: “Even my close friend, someone I trusted, has failed me. I even shared my bread with him.”
Proverbs 13:20: “Walk with the wise and become wise, for a companion of fools suffers harm.”
1 Corinthians 15:33: “Do not be misled: ‘Bad company corrupts good character.’”
Proverbs 3:32: “For the Lord detests the perverse but takes the upright into his confidence.”
Jeremiah 9:4: “Be on guard against your friends. Do not trust the members of your own family. Every one of them cheats. Every friend tells lies.”
Psalm 55:12-14: “If an enemy were making fun of me, I could stand it. If he were getting ready to oppose me, I could hide. But it’s you, someone like myself. It’s my companion, my close friend.
We used to enjoy good friendship at the house of God. We used to walk together among those who came to worship.”
1 John 4:7-8: “Dear friends, let us love one another, for love comes from God. Everyone who loves has been born of God and knows God. Whoever does not love does not know God, because God is love.”
John 13:35: “By this everyone will know that you are my disciples, if you love one another.”
Ecclesiastes 4:9-10: “Two are better than one, because they have a good return for their labor: If either of them falls down, one can help the other up. But pity anyone who falls and has no one to help them up.”
Proverbs 17:17: “A friend loves at all times, and a brother is born for a time of adversity.”
Romans 12:15: “Rejoice with those who rejoice; mourn with those who mourn.”
Proverbs 27:9: “Perfume and incense bring joy to the heart, and the pleasantness of a friend springs from their heartfelt advice.”
Proverbs 22:24-26: “Do not make friends with a hot-tempered person, do not associate with one easily angered, or you may learn their ways and get yourself ensnared.”
Proverbs 20:19: “A gossip betrays a confidence; so avoid anyone who talks too much.”
Proverbs 16:28: “A perverse person stirs up conflict, and a gossip separates close friends.”
Proverbs 26:23-25: “Enemies disguise themselves with their lips, but in their hearts they harbor deceit. Though their speech is charming, do not believe them, for seven abominations fill their hearts.”
Proverbs 19:4: “Wealth brings many friends. But even the closest friend of a poor person abandons them.”
Proverbs 19:6-7: “Many try to win the favor of rulers. And everyone is the friend of a person who gives gifts. Poor people are avoided by their whole family. Their friends avoid them even more. The poor person runs after his friends to beg for help. But they can’t be found.”
Psalm 38:11: “My friends and companions avoid me because of my wounds. My neighbors stay far away from me.”
Proverbs 4:14-16: “Don’t take the path of evil people. Don’t live the way sinners do. Stay away from their path and don’t travel on it. Turn away from it and go on your way. Sinners can’t rest until they do what is evil. They can’t sleep until they make someone sin.”
Psalm 28:3: “Do not drag me away with the wicked, with those who do evil, who speak cordially with their neighbors but harbor malice in their hearts.”
Proverbs 27:6: “Wounds from a friend can be trusted. But an enemy kisses you many times.”
Luke 22:47-48: “While Jesus was still speaking, a crowd came up. The man named Judas was leading them. He was one of the 12 disciples. Judas approached Jesus to kiss him. But Jesus asked him, ‘Judas, are you handing over the Son of Man with a kiss?’”
A Christian Approach to Dealing with Fake Friends and Setting Boundaries
Your time and energy are limited, so don’t waste any of your valuable resources on fake friendships. By letting go of relationships with fake friends, you’ll be able to build more true friendships with people who are caring and trustworthy. By building boundaries (rules for how to interact in healthy ways) into your friendships, you’ll be helping yourself and your friends enjoy the kind of relationships God wants you to have. Here’s how to deal with fake friends and set boundaries:
If you already know for sure that someone is a fake friend, end your friendship without guilt. You don’t need to feel guilty about withdrawing from someone who is mistreating you. Remember your incredible worth as one of God’s beloved children. You deserve to be treated well – and if you’re not, you should move on to protect your well-being and live with integrity, rather than compromising for a fake friend.
Express your feelings and needs honestly. Be open with your friends and about how you feel and what you need, in all situations. Let them know exactly what you need to feel cared for and respected in your relationships with them, and ask them to tell you what they need from you to feel the same. Talk openly about how best to set boundaries for all aspects of your friendship, including how often you communicate, what is appropriate to say to each other, what is acceptable to ask each other to do, how you should agree on decisions that affect you both, and the freedom to share different opinions and agree to disagree respectfully.
Don’t tolerate disrespect. Whenever a friend doesn’t respect one of your boundaries, call attention to that and refuse to tolerate mistreatment. Let your friends know that you care about them, but you need them to learn to follow healthy boundaries in order for your friendships with them to continue. Affirm your commitment to do the same for them. If arguments happen when you stand up to disrespect, ask God to send you both wisdom and peace to resolve the conflict and move forward with a stronger friendship.
Focus on friends who want to grow closer to God with you. Fake friendships pull you away from God, while true friendships move you closer to him. Choose friendships with people who want to keep growing in faith along with you, prioritizing spiritual pursuits. In my book Wake Up to Wonder, I explain research that shows how pursuing God’s wonder together with others promotes good behavior in relationships. When people encounter God’s wonder and feel awe, their brains change in ways that lead to goodness. The brain area which establishes the sense of self in the world partially shuts down, while the area that controls emotions becomes more activated and releases dopamine (a chemical that causes people to feel good). As a result, people become more aware of their connection to others and more motivated to choose goodness. People who are focused on God together are naturally able to build good friendships with each other.
Conclusion
Learning and applying what the Bible says about fake friends is vital to keeping your friendships healthy. God wants the best for you – in all aspects of your life, including your friendships. When you and your friends center your lives around your relationships with God, God’s love will flow between you, empowering you to enjoy good friendships together.
Whitney Hopleris the author of the Wake Up to Wonder book and the Wake Up to Wonder blog, which help people thrive through experiencing awe. She leads the communications work at George Mason University’s Center for the Advancement of Well-Being. Whitney has served as a writer, editor, and website developer for leading media organizations, including Crosswalk.com, The Salvation Army USA’s national publications, and Dotdash.com (where she produced a popular channel on angels and miracles). She has also written the young adult novel Dream Factory. Connect with Whitney on Twitter and Facebook.
They’ve sinned. They’ve said they believe one thing and lived like they believed something else. Their life is messier than you could have imagined, and you feel disappointed, angry, confused, disillusioned, sad . . .
How are we supposed to feel when other Christians miss God’s mark? How can we cope with the chaos other people’s sin creates? What should we say (if anything?)
Here are nine things to keep in mind when another Christian disappoints you.
Erin Davis is passionate about pointing young women toward God’s Truth. She is the author of several books and a frequent speaker and blogger to women of all ages. Erin lives on a small farm in the midwest with her husband and kids. When she’s not writing, you can find her herding goats, chickens, and children.
In her late 40s, Margot Starbuck found herself in unfamiliar territory: the world of dating.
Divorced after two decades of marriage, and having allowed herself several years to heal, the author of more than 30 books decided to dip her feet into online dating. Her most recent release, The Grown Woman’s Guide to Online Dating: Lessons Learned While Swiping Right, Taking Selfies and Analyzing Emojis, came out of her personal experience and in-depth research.
Today, she shares pertinent information with women of all ages who find themselves in the unknown world of online dating, including how to get started, how to be authentic, and how to stay safe online.
Can you start by telling the readers who are new to this how to get started?
First, you need to choose the site or sites you will use. There are free sites, sites that are free for an introductory period, sites where you pay from the start, and sites where you can pay for extra perks.
The easiest rule of thumb when considering what site or sites to use is “you get what you pay for.” On the entirely free sites, you will run into many characters who may not share your values. There will be good eggs, but they may be few and far between. In my experience, people who use paid sites are more serious about finding a match because they are more invested.
Once you know whether you want to use a paid or free site, one of the best ways to narrow it down to one or two is to get input from someone in your geographical area who is similar in age, gender, and faith preferences. The best site for me in urban North Carolina may or may not be the best for someone in a rural area.
What sites have been best for you and why?
Match and Bumble have worked best for me. I really like the search features on Match. You can search by things like geography, age, and faith preferences. And when you use the desktop version, you can also search by specific keywords, like “artist,” “drummer,” or “Jesus.”
Bumble was created by a woman. On it, you either swipe right if you like someone or left if you don’t. If you both swipe right, it is the woman’s responsibility to initiate a conversation. Because of this, I believe there are likely more secure men on Bumble.
Eharmony has a good reputation, but it’s also pricey. And ChristianMingle is comforting because the word Christian is in the name, but I have not found great matches there.
Tell us the three most important things to consider when building a profile.
1. Include what makes you uniquely you. Imagine how many women write “I love the beach. I love coffee. And I love my family.” Those things may be true, but you waste precious real estate by including them because they are not unique to you. So instead, I might say, “On Saturday mornings, I listen to Earth, Wind and Fire while roller-skating on a local trail.”
If you have trouble identifying things that are unique to you, ask your friends for help because your friends know what is special about you.
2. Choose photos well. Include both headshots and full body. We can be tempted to only show headshots or post that picture from six years and 30 pounds ago, but we don’t do ourselves any favors by not having a current photo. And use a variety of photos. Post a picture of you playing baseball with your favorite nephew or one of yourself at painting class or holding your favorite book. When you get more specific, you give men something to take an interest in and respond to.
3. Don’t be negative, and don’t overshare. It’s easy to complain—about dating apps, about men, about meeting men on dating apps—but you have so little real estate to make a good impression that negativity is a waste of space. Avoiding oversharing is also important. Your former depression or addiction may be a part of who you are, but your profile is not a place to share it. You don’t have to be deceptive, but definitely be selective.
What are some red flags to be aware of when you are looking to make a connection?
Some are really obvious. If he announces his favorite sexual position, you know to steer clear. But some things are less obvious. If a guy is overly eager to meet quickly or, on the flip side, is overly reluctant to meet in person, those can both be red flags. (My girlfriend, Char, insists that the man who stood me up for a date was likely in prison.)
Another thing to pay attention to is whether the guy’s profile is overly disparaging of former partners or, conversely, if it’s too idealistic. If he says something like, “I’m a workaholic now, but once I meet you, I’ll be different,” or “I want someone who completes me,” he may have an unrealistic view of relationships.
Pay attention and notice what your gut is telling you.
As a Christian woman on a dating site, how do you approach the topic of sex?
We know in our culture that checking the Christian box doesn’t mean you share the same values when it comes to sex. Literally, anyone can check that box, and it may just mean, “My grandparents had me baptized as a baby.”
If you are saving sex for marriage, make that plain. You can even drop a hint in your profile by saying something like, “I’m not here for a hook-up” or “I’m looking to build a friendship.”
Here are some code words and phrases to notice when looking at men’s profiles: “open-minded,” “romantic,” “down for Netflix & chill,” and “I expect my partner to be passionate.” Those all can be code for “I want to sleep with you as soon as possible.”
I have a friend in her 30s who is very up-front about her commitment to save sex for marriage, and she always brings it up within the first couple dates. Because sex and dating is often assumed in our culture (even among those who check the Christian box), I think this is so smart. It takes courage, but it’s so important.
You mentioned trusting your gut earlier. Can you elaborate on that? Do you have an example of when this worked for you?
Yes, I have been catfished—when someone is not who they say they are. He said he was a man of faith, but he used overly religious jargon that didn’t sound genuine. He said he was from Norway but living in Atlanta. I don’t really know what a Norwegian accent sounds like, but his voice just didn’t sound right to me. And I didn’t get the sense that he had any friends or community of support. I mentioned it to a friend who did some research. She found that though he claimed to be an architectural professional, he didn’t have a profile on LinkedIn. (That’s not a complete deal-breaker, but most professionals are on LinkedIn.) But he also only had three Facebook friends, and my friend was like, “Margot, he’s not real.” So I ended that one.
Let’s talk specifically about safety. What are practical things women can do as they invest in the online dating world?
For an overall posture of safety, you should be suspicious. I know that sounds awful, but don’t assume someone is who they say they are until you’ve seen evidence.
Be smart and do your research. It’s really easy with Google and social media, and it may save you time and heartache. One guy I connected with said he thought it was stupid for people to Google their matches. So I googled him and found a kind of paparazzi shot of him walking out of a courthouse in a high-profile criminal trial.
Also, don’t share your personal information, your address, or any photos that you don’t want shared with others. If you want to be particularly careful, get a Google phone number, so your match doesn’t see your real number until you are ready to share it.
Also, involve your girlfriends. If something doesn’t feel right, run it past them. Have them help you browse profiles, and when you are ready to meet a match in person, let a friend know where you will be, meet in a very public place and take your own transportation. If you do those three things, it can really protect you.
Before I let you go, what is your advice for getting out of a relationship or even just out of a connection after meeting in person once or twice?
My neighbor friend in her 30s has a wonderful template for this. Simply tell them, “I’ve enjoyed meeting you. I don’t think we’re a match, and I wish you well.” I think that language of “we’re not a match” is really helpful in saying goodbye.
Does the thought of joining a dating site invoke feelings of fear and anxiety—or, worse, insecurity or unworthiness? If so, then The Grown Woman’s Guide to Online Dating is the book for you. With practical advice about how these sites work, what to expect, and when to join and quit, along with proven tips for making the most of them, The Grown Woman’s Guide equips readers with all they need to take the plunge.
Kim Harms is an author, speaker, and part-time librarian with two decades of freelance writing experience. She has a degree in English from Iowa State University. She is married to an adventure-lover, and together they have three super-awesome sons, but only the youngest still lives at home. Her book, Life Reconstructed: Navigating the World of Mastectomies and Breast Reconstruction, is a guide for women walking the breast cancer road. She also offers breast cancer resources at her website, kimharms.net. She can be found on Instagram @kimharmslifereconstructed where it turns out that her dog is way more popular than she is, raking in the views when he is the star of her reels.
Many of us are blessed to have a sister or sisters in our lives. God blessed me with a sister who has been with me through every dark time of our lives. Maybe you have a sister you’re really close to or a sister who has stood by your side even when it’s hard. While some sibling relationships can be extremely difficult, which I know all too well, other sibling relationships are beautiful blessings.
I’m the youngest of three girls, yet my middle sister and myself were always closest to one another. If you have a sibling, maybe you know how close a bond can grow over the years.
My sister and I have gone through many difficult times, and we are presently going through an ongoing problem that hasn’t been resolved in nearly two decades. During these times, I am especially grateful for my sister.
Through the tough times of being bullied in public school to the death of our beloved dog and the death of our mother, my sister and I have always been close.
Similar to many siblings, we have been through a lot together. My sister and I are Irish twins because we were born 10 months apart. The closeness in our age may have also contributed to how we became not only sisters but also best friends.
Together my sister and I had to go through the pain of medical diagnoses of family members as well as seeing the deteriorating health of our mother. All of these things can weigh heavy on anyone’s heart and mind.
It is not surprising for any of these things to cause us to collapse under the pressure of it all. I know, personally, I was only able to go through these hard times with the help of God and my sister. Without the support of God and my sister, the feelings of being overwhelmed, fear, and depression would have become too much.
No matter what we have gone through, my sister has always remained by my side. God blessed me greatly when he gave me a sister as great as mine. After the death of our family dog in early 2016, my sister became severely depressed.
Our family dog was her best friend, and our dog was there for my sister through everything. I knew how much my sister loved our family dog, but I never knew how much our lives would change without our sweet little dog.
The death of our dog was only the beginning of tragedy after tragedy. After our dog passed away, my sister became more reserved and didn’t have the same free spirit she had before. Depression had crept into her heart, and it was something I couldn’t heal for her.
Seeing my sister in this way broke my heart. While my sister has been working on healing, the absence of our furry little dog still creeps into all of our hearts and minds, and we all miss her dearly.
What we didn’t know was that our dog’s death was the beginning of one of the most difficult and tragic years. In the spring of 2016, our oldest sister went through many mental health difficulties and has never fully recovered, even six years later.
My Irish twin sister and I started to learn many things that we never wanted to know and went to floors of the hospital we never wanted to travel to. This traumatic event still stays with us, and we are often reminded of the difficulties of taking care of someone who has pronounced mental health illnesses.
2. Leaning on Them During Difficult Times
I started college in late August of 2016, while my sister had already completed a few semesters before me. Within the first semester of college, our mother was deathly sick in the hospital due to congestive heart failure. She was in the hospital for 10 days in the ICU before she passed away.
My family and I visited mom multiple times each day in the ICU. In 2016, only two family members were allowed at a time to visit the patient, so naturally, my sister and I went back before my dad, and oldest sister saw our mom.
If you have been in the ICU, you know how emotional it can be. At only 18 years old, it was traumatizing to see my mother in such a deathly state. She was hooked up to a machine to keep her heart beating, she was on oxygen, and she had a tube feed.
My mother woke up while my sister and I were in the room, and it gave me deep sorrow to see the fear in my mother’s eyes. She gripped my hand, and she was so strong. All I wanted to do was to save her somehow — to make all the problems go away, but I couldn’t.
My family and I continued to visit mom every day, multiple times a day in the hospital, and it was always my Irish twin sister and me who were together during these difficult times. Despite the efforts of the hospital, my mother passed exactly 10 days after being admitted.
My mom was young — she was only 45 years old when she passed away. It pains me to think of all that she will never experience on this earth and all of the memories that I will never make with her now.
Maybe you have been through something similar, and you had someone to lean on. For me, these individuals were God and my sister.
Life has never been the same since 2016, but I feel my sister, and I have grown closer through these difficult seasons of life. It would be erroneous to say that time has completely healed the pain since 2016 because it hasn’t.
However, knowing my sister has been with me through it all has helped me not feel so alone. There is something comforting to know that you are not as alone as you once thought.
Whenever we become crestfallen or upset over a memory or a thought, we can both understand each other better because we were there with each other during these tragedies.
3. Always Supportive
Through college, my sister and I remained close, and we are still close right up to this present day. I had to go through an anorexia recovery from 2020 up until the present year, and my sister has been by my side through every step of the journey.
It has been extremely hard and filled with ups and downs, but my sister has always extended love to me even when I didn’t deserve it. In this way, my sister was showing me the love of Christ in her actions.
If you’re knowledgeable about eating disorders, you know how difficult they can be and how much the person who is struggling with the eating disorder can push others away. Despite pushing others away, my sister still encouraged me and stuck by my side.
For this, I am eternally grateful because everyone else left my side. It is through the hard times and the struggles that those who truly love us shine. My sister has been a true blessing in my life, and I couldn’t imagine not having her in my life.
Today, make sure to help your sibling or siblings know how much you appreciate them. Even though some siblings may be difficult to be around, there is normally a sibling who is not only your sibling but also your best friend.
Vivian Bricker loves Jesus, studying the Word of God, and helping others in their walk with Christ. She has earned a Bachelor of Arts and Master’s degree in Christian Ministry with a deep academic emphasis in theology. Her favorite things to do are spending time with her family and friends, reading, and spending time outside. When she is not writing, she is embarking on other adventures.
The Bible only tells us so much about Heaven. It’s a mystery that has yet to be revealed. And while so much about Heaven is left up to the imagination, I’m confident that even the most imaginative minds can’t touch the splendor that awaits us. We wonder about everything from how old we’ll appear to be to what language we’ll speak. Will the streets really be paved with gold? Can we really be rejoicing for eternity when people we love aren’t there? The questions and wonders about Heaven are endless.
As we address the question, “Will I recognize my spouse in Heaven?” we need to remember that, while the Bible may give hints on this topic, Scripture does not provide an explicit answer. While it’s natural to have a fear or unsettledness about the unknown, we need to trust God with the details of eternity, just as we need to trust him with the details of our lives here on earth.
Below are some popular accounts found in God’s Word that seem to support the notion that we will, indeed, know one another in Heaven. But because we are limited in our knowledge and understanding, you may find that some of these accounts create even more questions about Heaven. This is why we must hold loosely to our opinions and trust that whatever Heaven holds, we will be overcome with His goodness and be fully satisfied in Him.
Let’s start with what we know to be true:
God Is Relational
Something we see throughout the entirety of the Bible is that God is relational. We see this as early as the book of Genesis when God established His kingdom on earth in the Garden of Eden. He didn’t just have a relationship with Adam and Eve; He allowed them to have a deep, intimate, meaningful relationship with each other. Genesis 2:25 tells us they were “naked and unashamed.”
This gives us a glimpse into what Heaven will be like. We will once again be unencumbered by sin and able to have the purest of relationships with one another. We will have complete intimacy with nothing to hide. In other words, just as we are not meant to live in solitude on earth, we will not spend eternity in solitude.
In 1 Corinthians 12:13, Paul reminds us that in this life, our knowledge is limited, but those limitations will be removed in the next life. This suggests we will have relationships with one another that are deeper and more meaningful than we can even imagine, in part because our lives will no longer be hindered by sin and because our collective focus will be on Christ.
But the question still remains, will we recognize each other?
We know from Scripture that in Heaven, we will not be married or given in marriage (Matt 22:30). This refers to the concept of marriage we’re familiar with in this life. The exciting truth that awaits us in Heaven is that we, the church, are the bride of Christ (Ephesians 5:22-33).
As the bride of Christ, we, along with those we love, will turn our collective focus on Him. We will see Him in all his splendor and glory, and we will be completely satisfied. Whether happily married or not, your eternal existence as the bride of Christ will be the richest and most satisfying relationship imaginable.
The problem is we have no reference as to what it means to be fully satisfied. Even in our most joyful moments here on earth, we are still tainted by the effects of sin. For those who have had happy, healthy marriages, it’s difficult to imagine being fully satisfied by Christ without our spouse by our side.
While I am fully convinced we will be fully satisfied by Christ regardless of who is or isn’t with us in Heaven, I believe we can reason from Scripture that we will indeed know one another.
You Will Be You in Heaven
There’s no reason to believe we will suddenly be someone else in Heaven or that we will lose our earthly memories, causing us to forget or not recognize one another. For one thing, we’re told we will give an account of our lives on earth (Rom 14:12). How can we give an account of how we lived our lives if we can’t remember how we lived or who we lived with?
Again, this begs other questions. Will we all be the same age in Heaven? How will a baby lost in infancy look compared to someone who died in their 90s? We simply don’t have answers to these questions, but we know our bodies will be perfected and made new.
1 Corinthians 15:52 tells us that “the dead will be raised incorruptible” and that those who are alive at the time of Christ’s return for His saints “shall be changed.” What exactly does this look like? The Bible doesn’t get more specific, but it’s still a glorious promise!
Now let’s look at some popular references that seem to support the idea that we will recognize one another in Heaven.
The Resurrection
Our best example of knowing one another in Heaven is found in Jesus, who was recognized countless times by his disciples after his resurrection. They recognized him on the shore as he cooked for them in John 21:1-14. They recognized him when he appeared to Thomas in John 20:24-29. And in 1 Corinthians 15:6, the disciples recognize Jesus when he appears to five hundred people at once.
Consider John 20:15-16 when Jesus approached Mary at the tomb. She likely did not immediately recognize Jesus because she was weeping and in distress. But once Jesus said her name, she knew exactly who was talking to her.
The Transfiguration:
Consider the transfiguration in Matthew 17. Jesus took Peter, James, and John up high on a mountain. Jesus was transfigured before them and shone like the sun; his clothes became white as light. Two men appeared and were talking with Jesus. These men were Moses and Elijah.
Peter said to Jesus, “Lord, it is good that we are here. If you wish, I will make three tents here, one for you and one for Moses and one for Elijah.” If you’ll notice, Peter, James, and John were not only able to recognize Jesus in his glorified body, but they also knew the identity of Moses and Elijah.
Did Jesus introduce Moses and Elijah? Did Jesus allow Peter, James, and John to supernaturally know who they were seeing? Again, while the Bible doesn’t give us those details, many use this account to support the idea that we will recognize one another in Heaven.
Consider 2 Corinthians 1:14 and 1 Thessalonians 2:19. In both of these verses, Paul anticipates the joy of Heaven being increased by the presence of those whom he had the great privilege of winning to Christ. These verses speak of mutual recognition. Paul will recognize and boast in Christ on behalf of those he won to faith, and they will recognize and boast in Christ on behalf of Paul.
Another way that Paul speaks to this issue is in 1 Thessalonians 4:15-18. Paul addressed the Thessalonian Christians concerning their loved ones who had died. He comforted them with these words, “the dead in Christ will rise first. After that, we who are still alive and are left will be caught up together with them…and so we will be with the Lord forever…Therefore encourage each other with these words.”
The argument here is that there could be no encouragement in the promise of being caught up together with those who have gone before if we won’t know and recognize them.
King David
Another popular argument for us recognizing one another in Heaven is in the account of King David and the death of his son found in 2 Samuel 12:15-23. King David spent seven days fasting and weeping over his son, who was sick. On the seventh day, his child died.
After being informed that his son had died, David washed, anointed himself, changed his clothes, and went into the house of the Lord and worshiped. Later, as David ate, one of his servants asked him why he wept and fasted while his son was still alive, but now that the child was dead, he arose and was eating.
David responded to his servant by saying, “While the child was still alive, I fasted and wept, for I said, ‘Who knows whether the Lord will be gracious to me, that the child may live?’ But now he is dead. Why should I fast? Can I bring him back again? I shall go to him, but he will not return to me.”
This account often comforts parents who have lost infants or children because David is convinced he will see his child again. This account also shows David’s confidence that he will recognize his son when he sees him again.
For many, these and other accounts in the Bible bring comfort and give hope that we will recognize our spouses in Heaven. Yet recognizing our spouses in Heaven shouldn’t be our ultimate comfort or hope.
Remember Where Your True Comfort and Hopes Lie
In our flesh, our focus is usually on ourselves, on our own desires, comforts, and fears. It’s not surprising, then, that we look forward to Heaven because we want to see loved ones who have gone before us. Or that we look to eternity with uncertainty because of our lack of understanding and fear of the unknown.
Before we try to settle discussions of whether or not our spouse will know us in Heaven, we should settle on what we already know to be true: We know that Jesus has prepared a place for us (John 14:2-3), we know we can trust him in all things (Psalm 33:4 ) and we know that he is working for our good (Rom 8:28). With this in mind, we need to take all things that we hold dear on earth (in this case, our spouse) and be able to say, “I will be fully satisfied in Christ even if my spouse doesn’t know me in Heaven.”
My personal conviction is that we will, indeed, know one another in a deeper, more intimate way than we do now. But I am also convicted that our focus will not be on one another. Our focus will be on Christ, and our joy will be made complete in Him.
My goal wasn’t to get into an argument with my family member. Far from it. But when the conversation turned to religion and the salvation of his Hindu family members, I couldn’t stay silent. My desire for him to know the truth led my words at first, but the conversation went from kind and receptive to biting and sour. I wasn’t sure how to get it back on track, so I went outside to get some air.
Is it possible to have Christlike disagreements and not let our feelings lead us down a path of destruction? As humans, our emotions stay with us wherever we go. We can’t separate ourselves from them, but we can give ourselves a moment to process them and ask ourselves, “Is this really true?” and “Am I being led by unresolved hurt or by love?” When we do this, our disagreements are less fueled by anger and resentment and led more by a genuine love for others.
Disagreements are not unbiblical. We see Jesus disagreeing with people in scripture quite often. The problem comes when we are guided by our opinions rather than the Holy Spirit.
Here are five Christlike ways to handle disagreements:
1. Ask God to Direct the Conversation
Even when I’m not in the middle of a disagreement, I often do this. If someone asks me a tough question related to the Bible or about God, I always want the Spirit and sound biblical truth to lead. It is amazing what a short prayer saying, “God, help me,” or “God, guide my words,” can do. By doing so, we acknowledge that our flesh is weak, but our spirit is willing. (Matthew 26:41)
While we may not have the right words to say in the middle of a disagreement, God does. And when his Spirit directs the conversation, we can be sure we are putting the best version of ourselves out there for others to see.
2. Ask Yourself, “Do I Love This Person?”
My pastor once told a story about an administrative assistant he did not get along with. He was very young then, and they had butted heads on some issues. He found a specific verse he was going to use to put her argument to rest once and for all. But on his way to the woman’s office, the Spirit stopped him and asked, “Do you love her?” He knew if he was completely honest, the answer was no. The simple question and redirect made him realize his correction had no basis if it was not rooted in love.
Many of us are familiar with the following verse in Ephesians, but we forget the love part:
“Instead, we will speak the truth in love, growing in every way more and more like Christ, who is the head of his body, the church.” Ephesians 4:15 NLT
When we let our love for Christ and his church lead us instead of our own selfish pride, something beautiful happens. If we read the following verses, we see God’s desire for each of us:
“He makes the whole body fit together perfectly. As each part does its own special work, it helps the other parts grow, so that the whole body is healthy and growing and full of love.” Ephesians 4:16 NLT
3. Be Led By a Desire for Understanding
Have you ever been around someone who just wanted to hear herself talk? Goodness knows I have, and I know I’ve been guilty of acting this way myself. But if our only concern is having the loudest voice in the room, we’ll probably miss opportunities to see and understand God’s people. We’re going to overlook others who genuinely want to be heard and cared for because we’re more concerned with them knowing our opinion.
When we’re tempted to let our opinions lead us rather than love and care for the other person, let’s take a pause. The Holy Spirit is always willing to help us in our time of need and will give us the patience and understanding we lack.
James talks about the fact that none of us have wisdom and understanding apart from the Lord and points us toward humble acts done with hearts turned toward God rather than our own selfish motives:
“Who is wise and understanding among you? Let them show it by their good life, by deeds done in the humility that comes from wisdom. But if you harbor bitter envy and selfish ambition in your hearts, do not boast about it or deny the truth.” James 3:13-14 NIV
4. Remember, It Is Not Our Job to “Fix” Other People
Often, we are misled by the notion that we can argue people into following God. We think if we drill our points into their heads with enough sound reasoning and determination, they will change their ways. But we do not see this happening in the Gospels. In every instance where lives are changed, it is a miracle where someone experiences Jesus’ utterly unreasonable grace and mercy.
The Holy Spirit is in the business of convicting hearts and bringing prodigals to repentance. When we try be the Holy Spirit instead of simply letting him lead us with complete submission, we fall short. More often than not, we let our flesh and our pride take over, and the person we’re trying to convince is more repulsed than drawn to the throne of grace.
Paul reminds us of what draws others toward God in Romans 2, and contrary to what we sometimes think, it isn’t arguing:
“Or do you show contempt for the riches of his kindness, forbearance and patience, not realizing that God’s kindness is intended to lead you to repentance?” Romans 2:4 NIV
5. Remember, the Other Person Was Created in the Image of God
It’s difficult to speak harshly to someone when we see God’s stamp on him or her. And regardless of whether or not the person is a believer, she was created in God’s image. The person we’re disagreeing with is loved by God and sought after. Every interaction we have needs to be led by this knowledge.
I once heard someone say that when Jesus led his earthly ministry, he didn’t convince others to leave their former life by pointing and saying, “You’re wrong, you’re wrong, and you’re wrong. Now, follow me.” But when we remind people that they bear the image of the Creator, something inside of them comes alive. They’re transformed because the Spirit awakens them to the fact that they are sons and daughters, and the desire for their old way of life fades.
Not every disagreement we have with others will be about God or the Bible, but these disagreements seem to stir our emotions the most. This is because we care deeply about our faith and our beliefs, and our lives are transformed because of them. But when we disagree, let’s remember to let God lead the conversation. Disagreements in themselves are not sinful, but hate for our brother and sister does not have a place at God’s table. Let’s remember the price he paid for each and every one of us, and remember that even in his darkest hour of betrayal, he cried out, “Father, forgive them.” (Luke 23:34)
Abby McDonald is a writing coach and the author of Shift: Changing Our Focus to See the Presence of God. Her mission is to empower women to seek God in the middle of life’s messes and to share their faith with courage. Abby writes regularly for Proverb 31 Ministries’ daily devotions team, and her work has been featured in numerous publications. You can connect with Abby on her website where you can grab a free worship playlist to help you shift your focus toward God. You can also connect with Abby on Instagram.
I remember the day I got saved like no other. My dad and I used to stay up late playing video games, and on one beautiful summer night, the trajectory of my life would forever be changed. At 2:30 am, I was given an option between life and death.
I wasn’t threatened to make a choice.
I wasn’t forced to believe what Mom and Dad believed.
I wasn’t even given the “you’re going to hell” speech.
Nevertheless, something within my heart drew me to Jesus.
It was not just a choice. It was my choice.
It was not just a decision. It was my decision.
It was not their pressed acceptance. It was my acceptance.
A Choice
Today, I think many good and well-intentional Christians want to save others, but they are going about it the wrong way.
When I was in high school, for instance, I not so fondly recall reading Jonathan Edward’s pivotal sermon, “Sinners in the Hands of an Angry God.”
In a secular high school English class, you can imagine the horror and disdain I felt reading this as a student. All the people in my class who didn’t know God, who didn’t understand Christianity or religion, who didn’t have a view, now had the view that the God I loved and served was merely dangling them over a pit of hell. The text made it seem this was a pit of hell He would gladly drop them over the second they made a mistake.
What a sad view of such a loving and powerful God.
Who God Is
While God is a God to be feared, respected, and honored, and hell is a very real place, scaring people into salvation is not what Christ intended for us. And it certainly is not what He called us as His disciples to do.
Yes, the gospel message requires an acknowledgment of our sins. It requires us to humble ourselves before God and realize that we all fall short of the glory of His splendor. It requires us to see that He is God and we are not. Yes, the gospel message requires us to realize that atonement was needed for our sins. That because we sinned and fell in the Garden of Eden, we were the ones who deserved condemnation and hell.
But the gospel message also requires us to realize that because of Jesus, we can be saved. We can confess that Jesus Christ is the Lord of our lives, ask for forgiveness of our sins, and live the way He intended for us to live. We can become Gospel-Message Bearers just as He was the Light of the World.
A Ministry of Love
Jesus ministered to others using parables. He often taught harsh truths to the Pharisees and Sadducees (who needed harsh words to break free of their obsession with religion). But His main method of conversion was love.
Jesus made it clear that God came to save everyone.
“This is good and pleases God our Savior, who wants everyone to be saved and to understand the truth” (1 Timothy 2:3-4, NLT).
“And this is the will of God, that I should not lose even one of all those he has given me, but that I should raise them up at the last day” (John 6:39, NLT).
Jesus made it clear that all needed to repent from sin and accept Jesus Christ as the Lord of their life:
“For everyone has sinned; we all fall short of God’s glorious standard” (Romans 3:23, NLT).
“If you openly declare that Jesus is Lord and believe in your heart that God raised him from the dead, you will be saved”(Romans 10:9, NLT).
How to Treat Others
But when Jesus met the woman at the well who’d had five husbands, He didn’t start with, “you’re going to hell.” He started with, “I know everything about you, but I’m here to offer you a way of life that will never run dry” (John 4).
When God called Noah, and he ran away, God sent protection and love in the form of conviction (Genesis 5:29).
When Jesus felt the tears of a prostitute flow over His feet, He didn’t tell her to get out; He let her touch Him. He let her get close, and her life was changed (Luke 7:36-50).
As a born-again Christian, I will not minimize the seriousness of sin, salvation, heaven, or hell. All are real, and all have consequences or outcomes. But when it comes to sharing the Gospel, might I plead with you this:
The student in my class who came from a divorced family needs to know that Jesus sees her and loves her before she’s told she’s going to Hell without Him.
The student in my class who was the child of two people addicted to drugs needs to know that Jesus came to offer her a better way of life and love before she’s told to just go to church and figure it out.
The student in my class who is stuck in a generational wave of mental health disorders needs to hear that God is with them in health and poverty before they’re given a blanket statement to just pray or read their Bible more.
The student in my class who feels like religion and God are being forced down their throat needs to know and experience the love, care, and true gospel message of Christ through you before you expect them to become a follower of Christ.
Our world needs more living out and less suppression. It needs Christians willing to live and breathe like Jesus so that others may experience Him and be saved.
“Instead, you must worship Christ as Lord of your life. And if someone asks about your hope as a believer, always be ready to explain it. 16 But do this in a gentle and respectful way.[c] Keep your conscience clear. Then if people speak against you, they will be ashamed when they see what a good life you live because you belong to Christ” (1 Peter 3:15-16, NLT).
Be an Effective Agent of Change
The most effective agents of change for Christ are not those scaring people into salvation. And despite the popularity of “hell walks” at churches during Halloween, I do not believe fear has a place in the love and salvation Christ offers the sinner.
The most effective agents of change for Christ are those who build a trusting relationship with the sinner.
These change agents invest in those relationships by living as Christ intended them to and then present the gospel message—not to scare them but to show them a reality. Not to force them but to offer them a choice.
This is a choice that will change their entire life for eternity to come.
Jesus was a friend of sinners, and so should we be.
Amber Ginter is a young adult writer that currently works as an English teacher in Chillicothe, Ohio, and has a passionate desire to impact the world for Jesus through her love for writing, aesthetics, health/fitness, and ministry. Amber seeks to proclaim her love for Christ and the Gospel through her writing, aesthetic worship arts, and volunteer roles. She is enrolled in the YWW Author Conservatory to become a full-time author and is a featured writer for Crosswalk,ibelieve, Salem Web Network, The Rebelution, Daughter of Delight, Kallos, Anchored Passion, No Small Life, and Darling Magazine. In the past, she’s also contributed to Called Christian Writers, Southern Ohio Today News, Ohio Christian University, and The Circleville Herald. Visit her website atamberginter.com.
